This is a particularly dear chapter, actually. I've written it in a completely different way, then this idea popped in my head and I thought: that's gonna be cool, so I had completely re-written it. I hope you'll enjoy it. Still with Meredith, as I wrote in the last chapter.

The title had been changed last minute, believe me, right when I was about to click the X button to save the final draft of the document. I had my 10-songs playlist of the day to keep me company and the first line of 'It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive' by Snow Patrol literally hit me. It's a great song, a recent discovery, but love at first sight, well, listen in this case. It's hard to find online, but if you want, I can mail the link for you or something...

Okay, all my credentials are over, oh, and little hint on the content of this chapter: the quote fits magically, for once.

Enjoy and review, I know you will!

Part 11 – You Are Far Too Fragile To Exist

My love, what a great joy it is,

to understand what is gone and what is on the way.

Nazim Hikmet

After a long night on call, I said goodbye to Jason and his mother, because he would be transferred to Paeds. They promised to stop by at every control when he would be discharged and say hello to both me and Derek. Jay latched on my neck with his chubby arms right before jumping on his mother, giggling and waiving goodbye. My heart sank low, the expectations for next month even bigger.

I had scheduled to assist Bailey during a spleen repair to keep my mind busy. Away from Jay, away from me. It wasn't a good day and my mind was already drifting away on its own, I needed to be focused on something I could control, hence surgery.

The OR was quiet, the repair nothing too hard. I could handle that day, I coached in my brain. More hours in the OR, less hours alone with your thoughts. This day could be over soon. Please, make this day go fast. Please.

"Grey, wanna cauterize?" Bailey's voice forced me to focus back. I held out my hand in response and the instrument moved to my hands. The smell of burned flesh twisted my stomach. It never happened. It has never been pleasant, but I never felt the need to throw up at that smell. That day was terrible from every perspective. It had to go fast, please, make night come soon. I tried to hold my breath.

"Everything's alright Grey?"

"Of course doctor Bailey, I didn't had breakfast so the smell just bothers me a little. It's fine, I can go on" don't puke in the body cavity, don't puke in the body cavity, don't puke in the body cavity...

"Okay. Clamp please" she didn't looked very convinced, though.

There was a look after I spoke, so I expected some kind of speech, scrubbing out. Something about not being the surgeon I've raised you to be or whatever. No, that was something only my mother could say. Did say. Miranda Bailey would just be concerned. Maybe I can even tell her why this day has to be over as soon as possible. Twenty-four hours seemed impossibly long.

She stood next to me in the scrubbing room and, before I could say anything, she spoke, as I expected, even if a speech didn't came out. At all.

"Mint"

"What?" I know my eyes widened, but she didn't moved her glance from her hands, scrubbing energetically.

"Chew something with mint before surgery. Or chapstick. It helps, believe me" she carefully examined my puzzled look, while I was trying to fit pieces of her speech together, unsuccessfully "To cover the smell. It bothered me too when I was pregnant"

When she was what?

It couldn't be happening. It was just a bad day, with bad smells. Bad all around. I really needed to throw up at that point.

"I'm not..."

"Take care Grey" she cut me off and went out.

My mind wrapped at the thought. It couldn't be happening this day. That day wasn't a good day for anything. It had to be a fast day. Please, make it go faster, please.

I avoided Derek when I saw him coming down the corridor. I couldn't face him like this. It wasn't a good day. Luckily he didn't saw me hiding in the ladies restroom. Only then I threw up. It couldn't be happening.

Not the day my due date was supposed to be.

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, holding my hair away from my face. As I walked out to splash my face with some water and prepare to leave after a night on-call, I saw Cristina. She looked at me with curious eyes, trying to guess what the hell was wrong with me. She'd never guess right.

"You look like crap Meredith" she glanced at me head-to-heels

"I know"

"You should go home" not a hint of sarcasm in her voice, and that was worrying

"I'm fine"

"Looks like someone ran you over with his truck!" maybe I wasn't looking that bad if she could joke on it, after all.

"I'm fine!" I yelled, trying to walk out. She stopped me with her hand.

"What's going on? It's McDreamy?"

"It's...Lots of things, Cristina"

Tears started felling quietly from my eyes, finding their path to my neck. Cristina frowned. "Are you sure it's nothing? Maybe hormones?" Don't even think about going there, Cristina Yang!

"I'm fine" I babbled. She wouldn't let go easily.

"You're crying. Meredith Grey doesn't cry that often. You used to get annoying and angry during your period, not wet and emotional. What happened?"

I kept crying, unable to tell her anything about me, about the day I was having, about Bailey.

"Do you want me to get Derek?" she asked softly, putting her hand to rest on my forearm. For her it was just like hugging and I appreciated. I firmly shook my head at her question.

"Give me a minute" I sighed, wiping away some tears

"What's going on?" an unnoticeable frown appeared on her forehead

"Wait. Just stay here, ok?"

"Wait for what?" I didn't answered, walking out

"Mer?" she called, but I closed the door behind me. I came back in the room holding a kit to draw some blood.

"What's going on?"

"Could you run my labs with another name?"

"Why? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, really" that's getting old

"You're pregnant!" a smirk stretched on her face at the realization. She knew we were trying, she knew I had to be over the moon at such that realization, she didn't knew everything.

"Let's find out" my voice was blank, far, unemotional. Not as I wanted this moment to be. It couldn't be happening today. Why today?

"Mer, why aren't you jumping up and down? Why don't you want Derek with you? You have been trying lately...Is not his?"

"Of course it would be his" she was wandering too far from the mark

"So what? What the hell happened?"

"It's not a good day. Just draw the freaking blood, all right?" I snapped, quite too harshly. I immediately regretted it as she fell silent and began working, looking up at me with concern from time to time.

"I'm gonna give you the results before you go home, ok?"

"Thank you"

"Sure you don't want me to page Derek?"

I shook my head. It was selfish to leave her so worried. It was a bad day already without adding a pouting Cristina, so I told her.

"Today was supposed to be my due date"

Then she hugged me. No comments, not even sounds, sighs, 'oh's. Cristina Yang hugged me and I cried for a long while, holding on to her. She didn't needed to know anything more and I was glad she was my person in that moment. She gave me a tissue, before walking out to run my labs.

I kept myself busy with charts for the remaining two hours of my shift, pretending nothing had happened. Pretending I wasn't having that day. I was exhausted, mentally and physically, emotional and maybe pregnant. Everything was too much.

I saw Derek just briefly and he promised me to be home after lunch. When I was wearing street clothes to go home, Cristina found me in the lounge, an envelope with my results tightly folded in her tired hands.

"I didn't opened them. They wouldn't run them as Jane Doe, I'm sorry." she added briefly. Right, the new hospital policy or whatever.

"It's ok. Thank you"

"It can be a good day if you let it be" she wisely added

"I know" I swung my bag on my shoulder and I drove home.

Rain was gently tickling on my windshield. The ride with the ferry seemed endless. Alone in a car much longer wasn't exactly helping with my swirling head.

I put my bag on the table under the porch, looking for my keys, and I found the envelope. I opened it, when a sunray peeked from the rainy clouds. I turned around and I could see million drops fall silently on the spring-like green grass. I put the results back in my bag and the hood on my head, not caring for a second about getting wet. I rarely wore hoodies to go to work, but I wasn't in the mood for more than that the previous morning. I stood in the middle of our yard, looking up at the sky. The hood on my head dropped, but I didn't care. I closed my eyes, letting drops fall down my cheeks like tears. Happy, sun-kissed tears. The sky was brightening, but it wouldn't stop raining. Every sound was muffled by the soft hum of rain, no birds singing, no wind ruffling naked branches, just rain. I loved rain.

Pregnant.

It hit me hard, but in a good way. A tiny smile perched on my lips, fading quickly at the original thought of the day: my due date. The ray of sun disappeared for a moment, then came back even brighter. Maybe the ideal thought of giving birth could be the first step to let it go. And I was pregnant. I didn't needed the results in my bag to confirm it. There was someone else into me in this moment. I put my hands in the already damp pocket over my belly and gently rubbed the fabric with my thumb for a second. It felt good. Our "someone else" felt good. I was soaked already, but I couldn't move away. I was stuck under rain, my hands hovering over my belly. Our baby boy was gone, but someone else was already there. It was a full circle. I could feel raindrops fell down my neck, my body stuck, despite the cold rain. It seemed almost pleasant.

"Meredith!"

Derek's worried voice called me through the yard. He was home already. I had been standing there for a while, I realized just then. I didn't even heard his tires on the driveway. The hum of rain was magical, just like Derek's voice. Rain was slowing down, almost unnoticeably as I head Derek moving closer. He was home.

"God Mer, are you ok? Why are you standing here?" he stood in front of me and pulled me in a hug, trying to warm me up "You're freezing, let's go in"

I took his hand, but I couldn't move. I wouldn't move from that moment. The moment when the circle of life closed. I wouldn't dare to share those results. I just wanted to stand there forever, under raindrops and nuzzled in his warm hug. I felt chills then and I shivered, realizing how cold those raindrops were. He spooned me in his arms, gently carrying me on the porch. As he put me down to open the door I realized I had tears streaming down my face. It wasn't raining anymore. He took his hand in mine and we walked in. Somehow, without rain, everything seemed back to reality again. The magic bubble was about to blow. I looked at Derek and his concerned face, while he climbed upstairs with me.

"What were you doing outside?" he asked softly, his breath prickling my cold skin, just the right hint of worry in it. He wasn't pushing me to answer, he was just being thoughtful and talking things out. Talking is good, we realized.

"Thinking" his look became even more concerned "I'm sorry, it had been a bad day"

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah"

My words hung there, then. I didn't know where to begin. As I stood in his arms, holding on to him as he trailed his finger on my back, skin to skin. I shivered, tears welling up in my eyes again.

"Can I make it better?"

I nodded, then he took a towel and draped it on the bed. He made me sat there and, just like some kind of toddler girl, kneeled down to take off my shoes and socks. I was dripping with rain and there were little pools of water on the floor were I was standing. He squatted again and I took his face in my hands, kissing him. Heat radiated through my bones and suddenly the circle was complete again. He moved his hands to lift my hoodie, throwing it away on the floor. I felt goose-bumps, but they passed as soon as he patted me dry with another towel. He lifted down the strap of my top, trailing little tender kisses to my shoulders. Then lied me on the bed, moving his kisses to my neckline, lifting the hem of my tank top without stopping the ritual. It ended up together with the rest of my clothes before I could realize it was gone, then his lips trailed down my bare abdomen. Don't linger, please, not today, don't stop there, don't linger, don't. He placed a tender kiss over my belly button and I sighed. His features blurred and he looked up at me, worried.

"Meredith..."

"It's ok, don't stop"

"You're crying, it's not ok" he moved a lock of my hair behind my ear, his analyzing eyes burying holes in mine to get some kind of answer to his concern.

"It's been a long day"

"Mer, please, what happened?"

He took off my jeans too and wrapped me in a towel first, then in his arms. I snuggled to his chest. His gesture pleaded me to share what was buzzing in my mind from the moment I left the day before.

"What happened today?" he kept asking, a soothing voice, his fingers tenderly brushing my damp hair.

"It was supposed to be the due date" I whispered, I couldn't keep it for myself any longer. He caught his breath and tears welled up in his eyes too.

"It's ok Meredith, everything's gonna be fine" he kissed the crown of my head and I draped my thigh over his to feel his presence even more. I wasn't alone, he was there. He wasn't going to be anywhere else. He was home.

"Can you have a bath with me? I'm freezing..." he smiled at my request, kissing me again.

We snuggled for a while in the warm water, he kept massaging my shoulders, brushing my hair and placing soft kisses on my neck. I leaned against his chest, cuddling in his heat. Our baby was gone. I took his hand and placed it over my abdomen. He didn't moved an inch, he was scared. He didn't know that when we would open those papers in my bag, he would realize he wasn't rubbing just my skin anymore. So I leaned my hand over his and let him stay there, while I kept rubbing softly my warm, heated skin with my fingertips. He came along then, smoothing gently his thumb above my belly button. His big, steady hand covered my abdomen almost entirely, protecting our potential new miracle.

"I'm sorry I didn't remembered. I would have been home sooner" he mumbled to my neck, kissing my collarbone after long moments of quiet

"It's ok Derek"

"You could have called me, instead of standing in the rain" he wasn't angry, just worried.

"It felt good. I needed to think. Just like when you go fishing."

He nodded. He wasn't troubled anymore. A tiny smile appeared on his lips.

"I have an envelope for you in my bag" I admitted

"Yeah?" he seemed genuinely curious, even if the lining of tears was still there

I nodded, standing up and wrapping my now-warm body in a towel. Steam followed me and I smiled. He had a curious expression on his face that made me smile. After the day I had, he made me smile.

"C'mon, it's a present." I smirked and he was puzzled

"Why you bought me a present? It's not my birthday yet."

"I know. Who's telling you I bought anything?"

I walked out to put some panties on and one of his t-shirts. He smiled as soon as he entered in the room and dressed as well. I looked in my bag and took out the folded sheet of paper. My smile mirrored in Derek's face when I handed it to him, my hands were trembling.

"You brought me blood-work as a present?" he was surprised, maybe disappointed, which made my smile even wider

"Read" I ordered, enjoying the fact that I was going to appreciate the look on his face as soon as he put the pieces together.

"There's nothing wrong. What's so interesting in a pregnant woman?"

"Read carefully" I smirked

"Seriously, you can tell her she's fine, why this Mere..." his jaw dropped

He read the name. I couldn't help but laugh at his gulp when he read the name at the top of the results. I was glad the blood-works couldn't be run anonymously for hospital members anymore.

"Derek, say something so I know you're still breathing" I asked, my face plastered with a wide smile at his astonishment. He kept blinking, his mouth still open.

"Mer" he looked up from the sheet, his eyes shimmering with tears, a long gone twinkle confirming his happiness. He sat on the bed to steady himself and I let go a giggle.

"Is this real?" he whispered

"Yes. It's real."

He stood up and tears were heavily running down his cheeks when he walked closer to hug me. From the moment he knew, it became real. We were having a baby for real. His chest flushed to my body and his arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders. He trailed his fingers up and down my back, to stop briefly and pull away a little, squatting at my feet. He lifted up the t-shirt and stared a long moment at my belly with a smile so wide that seemed fake. He rubbed his fingers, then whispered "Hi there" before kissing softly my skin. I had tears too, when he looked up and smiled widely.

The circle was closed. Despite the fear and the bullets and all the crap behind us. We were moving forward.

We are having a baby!

AN: Okay, that was the chapter everybody was waiting for from the first one. I kinda liked how it turned out, maybe too much rambling, maybe not great descriptions, I know. The idea of the due date is completely random, I didn't actually counted anything. I'm that bad at math, believe me. Anyway, thoughts? Good, bad, better?

I hope I'll be posting again soon, I'm having an hectic week at school, it's mid-term, you know. My last mid-term, hopefully. I also have to figure out a couple of things with my other fiction, Soft Shock, I'm sorry I'm keeping my updates banked, but I really don't have time to write more or at least review a little what was already done.

I hope you'll stick around and let me know about this chapter!