Evil, by Interpol comes up again. I know, I always use the same songs and I needed a whole week to write an update. I wanted to start updating again Soft Shock, my other story, which had been on hiatus for almost a month and didn't deserved it.

Still busy times, but I finally found some spare time to update. Enjoy and review, I'm very happy about all the feedback I received, more than 10,000 views already. Thank you all, I like to read each of your reviews and don't mind if I don't always reply, I might have been just busy. Anyway, I'll stop boring you, I hope you'd like this chapter!

Wait, I almost forgot: Derek's PoV. I'm really done now, enjoy!

Part 12 – Do Shudders Pass In The Night?

Who knows what true happiness is, not the conventional word..

but the naked terror

Joseph Conrad

The twelve-hours shift had been long and busier than usual, or maybe it was just me too excited to come home to Meredith. We haven't officially told anybody about the baby, we've decided to wait a little more to be sure that this time nothing would go wrong. After a couple more weeks, the risks of miscarriage would drop, so we've agreed to spread the news, especially calling my mother, right after the first ultrasound, which happened to be the following week. I was still wondering how to tell her that I was going to have a baby, because I couldn't realize it even myself. She had heard this news many times already, but I knew that hearing it from me would have been a whole different story.

We were having a baby. Me and Meredith. She told me the news in the most perfect way, even considering the circumstances. We were moving away from that day nine months ago. We had months to happily look forward to. We longed for that happiness.

I was pacing on the ferry to come home and kiss both Meredith and her perfect belly, not a hint of our tiny miracle yet. The ride seemed endless, just like the distance from the dock to the land.

I parked the car in the driveway and I rushed into the house. I tried to be as silent as possible opening the door because it was already bedtime, but then I realized that in the living room the light was still on. Maybe she fell asleep on the couch, waiting for me. I walked in the room and she was lying still, her head gently pressed on a pillow, her hair scattered freely, the left arm hid under her body, while the right leaned at her side so perfectly, shaping her hip, her hand tenderly placed over her belly, covering it almost entirely, her legs bending slightly to her chest and her feet laced in each other. She looked so peacefully asleep that my first thought was to carry her upstairs in my arms, avoiding to wake her up, but as my hand moved gently behind her back to pick her up, she stiffened and opened her sleepy eyes, brushing them with her fists.

"Hey" she said, as she put my face on focus, while I squatted at her side

"Hey" I know my face was somehow stretching a grin on its own, when she returned the small gesture.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to wait for you" she mumbled. I kept smiling, brushing softly my lips to hers, giving her some time to properly wake up.

"How was your day?" she asked quietly

"Busy"

"I know. I scrubbed out later than expected too"

"How are you?" it was never a wrong question after such long days

"Fine" I couldn't believe her, because she looked so tired and I could probably spot some tiny tears at the corners of her eyes, looking intently. Her 'fine' is never a good answer. "You?" she continued, then we kissed again.

"I'm good. Tired but happy to be back with you and the Peanut" I grinned

She giggled, prickling my nose with her icy fingers "Peanut?" she asked, not skeptic, but a little confused.

"Okay, you don't like it." I sighed, scrutinizing her reaction, but she kept on glancing at me, maybe her mind someplace else "I'll find something better. Or you don't want anything?"

"Peanut?" she said again, like she didn't heard me speaking before.

"You know, it's little and still without a proper sex yet, so I thought could be cute to name our baby something different than 'baby'. It's the first thing that came up in my mind, it's bad, I'm sorry..." our faces were merely a few inches apart and I saw little tears building behind her brave face

"It's cute you care so much Derek" she whispered

She smiled, but it looked like she wanted to say more and her words were stuck somewhere deep into her. She sat straight on the couch, making some space for me to sit next to her, then she shifted some of her weight over me as I sat down, leaning her head on my shoulder, her leg on the other side of the couch and her hand firmly placed over her belly, rubbing it with her thumb.

"Peanut" she said again, before I could kiss her forehead.

She brushed her fingers under her sleepy eyes, keeping the quiet, and as I took her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, they became humid with tears. I caressed her cheek and some more crawled under my touch, so I gently lifted her chin toward me and I looked deeply in her swollen, tired eyes.

"Are you ok?" I asked, sounding too rhetoric.

"Hormones" she avoided, faking a smile

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired" she broke the eye contact and I knew there was more

"You can tell me, you know" I tried convincing her again to open up to me

"It's...I..." she stammered, sniffing, then giving up. I deeply gazed into her uncertain look, almost pleading her silently. "What if something goes wrong again?" her voice cracked in the last word. My eyes swelled with tears just like hers. And she had been sitting there on the couch with those thoughts for a whole night.

"Oh, Mer..." I just wanted to keep her close in my arms, stroking her shoulders, while she kept on holding our baby in the palm of her hand.

"Did you felt something weird today?" my tone immediately worried

"No, it's just...What if I am wrong here? What if Mother Nature is telling me I'm not cut for this and I should just be a good surgeon?"

She was helplessly looking for an answer in my eyes. An answer I couldn't give without sounding cheesy or rhetorical, as she always accused me to be.

"What if nothing could go better than that and we would welcome the most beautiful baby in the world?" my heart skipped a beat just saying it out loud. Our baby. We wanted this for so long...

"I considered that option. Something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong, Derek" she said stern, looking away in the empty space behind me, hot tears trailing down her cheeks

"Maybe not this time"

"I'm gonna be a terrible mother anyway" she nuzzled in my chest, a heavy sob shaking all her small frame. She looked even littler and more fragile.

"Who said that?"

"You've met my motherly mother. I'm gonna be just like her" she clutched at the fabric of my shirt, as I traced circles on her back with my thumb, making her breathing easier

"You're not even close to become her, Meredith. Maybe as a surgeon, but not as a mother" I tried to reassure

"How do you know that, as the Peanut will be with us, I'm not gonna freak out completely and run away?" she snapped, pulling away a little

"Because you're freaking out now and you have 7 full months to get familiar with this. I'm not even worried about that" I smiled, but she hid on my chest again, cuddling closer.

"Derek" she whined. I put my hand over hers, rubbing her belly mimicking her tenderness.

"You're already an awesome mother Meredith" I kissed her sweetly, but she clinched to me a little strongly, not a trace of sleep in her anymore.

"I'm dark and twisty and irresponsible and I have no idea what I'm doing"

"You're all bright and shiny now. Besides, I've no clue either" I kissed her again and she chuckled, pulling away and sitting on my lap. She cupped my face with her hand, stroking my unshaved face and kissing me again.

"I'm scared" she admitted in a whisper

"I know. I'm scared too" I hugged her and she fitted perfectly her head in the crook of my neck, while I brushed her hair.

"It's gonna be great" I echoed, trying to reassure her. She was curled over me then, before she stretched a little to softly stroke her lips with mine, tracing my tiny smile with her finger.

"We should go to bed" she said, breaking the long silence around our hug.

"Are you tired?"

She grinned wryly, shaking her head, her eyes suddenly wild "I think we would be more comfortable there. I know you like the couch too. Or the kitchen counter. Or the stairs for what matters..."

"Yeah, I got the point" I chuckled, kissing her and lifting her up in my arms while I stood up. Her legs bent around my waist and she laughed happily.

"You really wanna make it through the stairs with me tonight, uh?" she said playfully, kissing me again. I didn't answered, I just carried her on our bed, while she kept on laughing in my arms, clinging her arms tightly at my neck.

AN: This was a bit short, I know. I'm even sorrier it took me a whole week for this. I thought I could pause a little after the last juicy update. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this fluffy freaking out. It doesn't matter how badly Mer wants this baby, she will always freak out a little, just for a few moments. What's the best place then, than in Der's strong arms?

I hope you liked it and I also hope I won't need a whole week to add another update!