I stayed in my room for days and if I wasn't home then I was staying out at night at a demon bar. But the thing is no matter how much I drink I'll never get drunk. I'm a vampire. Drinking's just a game now. It had been for a long time. Ever since I lost Doyle. Funny thing really, we fell in love. I was happy he was happy and dad never knew. Well, not right away. Eventually he did find out but by that point we were to far gone for him to do anything about it. Doyle was my friend then and my love. But I had lost him, and it grieved me. It still grieves me. Then I got Wesley. He was my only friend, and I lost him too. Funny how I was drinking then and I'm drinking now. Only thing is, is that now I don't have Doyle and I don't have Wesley. That's how my days and nights went. While the others were out fighting or something I was either in my room or out at the bar. Grieving for the love I lost and the friend I lost. Life sucked.
It was late, well early seeing how the sun was rising, and of course Angel was waiting for me on the steps.
"So," I crossed my arms.
"So."
"Look, I know you're upset. And I know it's been hard for you to move on, but you need to-"
"Don't even! You tell me to move on and you can't even move on after Buffy! I've lost everything dad! I lost Wesley, my best friend. I lost Darla, the only woman who I ever considered a mother." My voice caught in my throat now, "And I lost Doyle, the love of my life." I sniffed a little trying to bite back the tears that always wanted to spill, "Every year on November Thirtieth I go to his grave. Every year. And every year Wesley has gone with me. And you haven't gone with me once!" My voice was cracking with the tears and rage. I broke down a little and started for my room. But he grabbed my arm,
"Angela-"
"Please. Just let me go." He did and I began to walk upstairs. I lied down on my bed and whipped my eyes and picked up my phone. I started to dial Wesley's number but stopped. I stared at the number that I had typed in and then I shut the phone. I sighed and buried my head in my pillow. I grabbed my iPod and listened to the one song that fit my life. Hurt by Christina Aguilera.
"Are you looking down, are you proud of who I am. There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance, to look into your eyes and see you looking back." I heard a knock on my door and I shut my iPod off and opened the door. It was Lorne. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry Lorne I did-"
"Oh honey bunch don't worry. You didn't wake me. It's just, well, I heard you singing." I looked down to the floor and I felt him lift my china little, "Oh peaches. You know he loved you very much."
"What… what did you see?" He had a sad look come across his face, "Lorne, please tell me."
"You. And Doyle. I saw everything. The love he had for you, the love you had for him. I also saw…" he let out a sigh and looked me in the eye, "I saw what you could've been." I stood a little stiffer. I did and didn't want to know.
"Please, tell me." He looked to the floor then to me,
"A family. I saw a married you and kids."
"A happy life." He nodded. Tears were threatening my eyes but there was no Wesley to cry on this time. Lorne pulled me into a hug and I cried quietly into his shoulder. I wasn't an emotional person, I mean I'm a vampire and the daughter of Angel come on! But I was so tired of this and I just wasn't handling all this well.
I had sensed his presence a while ago but I could look at him. In the dark shadows of the hallway I knew he was standing there. I knew he had been there since Lorne had come to my door. But he just never understood how much I really loved Doyle and how much Wesley meant to me. After a little bit I pulled back and Lorne gave me a small smile. "Any better pumpkin?" I gave him a small smile and nodded,
"Thanks Lorne."
"No problem sweet face." He kissed my head and went down the hall. I didn't even look to the shadows and simply shut my door and slowly slid down to the floor. I stared at the book under my bed. Slowly I crawled to it and opened it. I smiled. It was filled with pictures. Pictures of Me, Doyle, Wesley, and Angel. I couldn't cry any more so I laughed. Laughed at all the stupid things we've done. I turned the page and came to two pages side by side with a single picture in their flaps. One was Doyle and I. His arms were wrapped around my waist and my hands were covering his and his head rested on my shoulder and we were both smiling. The other was on me and Wesley. I was sitting beside him with his arm around me and we were both laughing. My boys. My life. What could've been. What should've been. What is. What isn't. These thoughts were running through my head. But finally I had drifted off into a dreamless sleep. A peaceful sleep.