Okay people, this is the final chapter. There will be an epilogue posted sometime next week, then it will be over. Really over.
I'm really gonna miss this story, it was my first story I have ever written and, as you could see, I probably got better with time. I'm not plenty satisfied with some of the chapters and if I'd publish them now I'd change/add some parts. Who knows I might do that in the future when I'll be completely and utterly bored. Until June I have my best friend exam keeping me company...
Well, back to the story, I have chosen an album title for this chapter, because I loved the sound of it and also the album by Iron & Wine, again. Actually, it's also a line in Passing Afternoon but I'd go with the whole album instead.
Meredith will guide us with this last chapter, it takes place a few months after their weekend at the beach. Once again, it's really out of season, considering that here it's 31°C/87°F and you'll be reading about Christmas, but I hope you'll forgive me. At this point you might have realized that timing chapters it's not really my thing...
Well, enjoy this last chapter!
Part 30 - Our Endless Numbered Days
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
Qoelet 3, 1-8
I don't think that I've ever experienced a colder winter. But there I was, scrutinizing the whitish sky outside of the wall sized window. We were expecting the Shepherd crew to arrive the following morning and I still had to decorate the whole house. Everything at the hospital had been hectic and I barely took the time to breathe each night before falling into bed.
Derek and Alice had gone out to do some Christmas shopping for our nephews and nieces, while I was supposed to be cleaning. I was lying on the couch instead, gazing outside, unable to move. Every muscle in my body ached and my head was spinning: the wonderful signals that my body sent me to tell me to slow down. I had barely been home at night those last few weeks, practically living in the hospital, because of the accidents that always poured in around the holidays. I was worn out.
It would have been better if I had gone out shopping with Derek and the little one. She wasn't that little anymore, actually. She was one. We threw her birthday party two weeks before and she was officially one year old.
I could still hear her giggling at all of the presents, being spoiled, and having the spotlight on her. She was quite the character already, shy but happy to have people near her. She scrutinized everyone with her flickering eyes, trying to discern good from bad, known from unknown, family or stranger. Then, when she was satisfied, the same twinkle that Derek's eyes have flooded her bluish-green eyes and she giggled happily. I melted from the inside out every single time she did that. Her hair was growing, curling in dark, wavy locks, contrasting with her soft, porcelain skin and the full cheeks that Derek loved to pinch.
She was amazing.
A couple of days ago, coming home after a twelve-hours shift, I found her gripping the couch cushion and standing on her two feet, falling back down after a couple of seconds. My heart skipped a beat. She was already that big. And she prattled, like a perfect, chatty little girl. I loved the way she curled up on me before dozing off, grabbing my thumb and holding on for dear life. Her grip gradually softened and she was off to a land of beautiful dreams. She never does that with Derek, she holds his shirt instead. She's bright and smiley, curious and happy. Despite all of my self-doubt, she was happy. I made it through our first year together, and I was proud of myself. But I was prouder of her.
And Derek, well Derek was amazing with her, with me, with us. I fell for him all over again every day, head over heels. He was the good, caring, honorable, decent man I had met, before the wife and the bomb and the drowning, when we were still just two people in a bar. Except that now Alice was in the mix as well and it couldn't be more perfect.
The air outside seemed sharp; I could hear the leaves crunching on the ground, ruffled by the light breeze, while I lay on my bed, staring outside. Low, white clouds wrapped around the mountains like they were Christmas presents, the city lights the sparkling ribbons.
C'mon Meredith, get your ass off of the bed and start cleaning, Carolyn will be here any moment now.
Derek was supposed to pick his mother up after he was done shopping. Unlike the rest of the family, she was staying with us in the guest-room, in our 'home in the middle of nowhere', as Nancy described it. She remembered the trailer, but she had never seen the house before. When they came last year for Alice's birth, I had stayed at my Mom's place for a while. The ferry ride was too long for a newborn.
I could still remember the day we brought her home from the hospital. She was so tiny and I was so scared. I teased Derek multiple times because he was afraid of doing anything around her, but I felt the same. Parenting was a hard job, I understood my mother then. She really had done the best she could.
I spent my first day home with Alice wondering what was going on in my mother's mind when it was her, staring outside the window with a newborn in her arms. How long did she spend with me before my father took over the parenting? Did she ever wonder about my future, like I found myself wondering over Alice's? Will our daughter always be this happy? Will I be able to keep up with her when she grows up? Will I get her? Will I love her enough?
Birds flew in a compact flock past the small frame of the window, marking the last signs of life in that cold, wintry afternoon. Everybody was waiting for rain to pour down from the tick white clouds. The mountains were already covered with snow. The dreamy landscape induced the Christmas spirit. I wasn't ready for the whole family thing, even if I loved them with my whole heart. I just wanted to rest.
My eyelids fell closed in a matter of seconds and I opened them when I heard the cracking of the front door. They were home. I could hear Alice's prattle and Derek talking to his mother. I was still facing the window and outside it was much darker than when I had dozed off. Damn it, I didn't decorate!
I climbed down the stairs sleepily and Derek greeted me with a wide smile. He had Alice on his hip and a good amount of already wrapped presents in his other hand, together with a carry-on bag. He still hadn't taken off his jacket. Behind him, Carolyn entered with her suitcase, a happy smile materialized on her face when she saw me.
"Meredith! Come here, I missed you..." she abandoned her suitcase to bear-hug me.
"Hi Carolyn, it's so good to see you too...How was your flight?"
"Perfect. How about you? You look tired."
"It's been hectic at the hospital lately. I just woke up from an unexpected nap."
We both giggled.
"You didn't decorate, then," Derek's teased, pressing a lingering kiss onto my lips. Alice immediately grabbed the hem of my t-shirt. I took her into my arms and she nuzzled my shoulder. God, I always missed her lately. She looked tired from all of the shopping and the car always made her sleepy, but with her Nana in town she was more than willing to keep her eyes wide open, so she just leaned into me, trying to rest a little without actually sleeping.
"Nope, I'm sorry."
Derek pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear and smiled, his eyes twinkling and sparkling, "Its fine, we'll do it together. I bought the tree on my way back, do you mind?"
"No, not at all, I knew there was something missing..." I smirked, and leaned in to kiss him again, soft and quick. I had kind of missed the domestic us. I had only seen him in scrubs lately and his maroon v-neck sweater looked so good on him, casual and holiday-like. I'd even dare to say that he looked sexy.
"I'll take your suitcase upstairs Mom," he offered, and disappeared up the stairs. Carolyn smiled at me and I moved to the living room, sitting on the couch.
Weariness had gotten the better of Alice, who was quietly napping on my shoulder. I cradled her in my arms and she didn't move an inch. I missed her so damn much. I couldn't let her go.
"Is everything alright?" Carolyn asked with a smile, interpreting my silence as something more.
"Yeah, fine. I've been cranky when I wake up, lately." I tried to skate over actually answering the question.
"She's one," she said, looking at Alice's sleeping form with a proud grin, and brushing her curls tenderly.
"Yep," I avoided her gaze, looking out the window. Was I that predictable or was it just the Shepherds that could read my mind?
"It's not as scary as they say, the fact that she's growing up. She'll amaze you with each passing day."
"She already does that," I sighed.
"Well, then you won't take your eyes off of her," she smiled softly. I knew she had noticed some worry hidden deep down in my eyes, she was good at reading people. Of course, five kids. Derek had gotten a bit of that as well: he was good at reading me.
"You're doing great Meredith."
"Yeah?" old insecurities were creeping back.
"She's such a cheerful girl. It's not that easy to be so happy, even at her age. She lightens up the mood. I miss being around you guys. I'd love to see her more often."
"Our guest room has no restrictions," I smiled, almost missing her mothering as much as she missed us.
"It's hard for me to stay away from you and Amy. She's coming over with Robert, right?"
"Yeah, everybody will be here." I sounded disappointed by it even though I wasn't.
"I'll call them and tell them to stay home," she added, after a not-so-embarrassing moment of silence, when she stared at me carefully, reading me again.
"It's fine. It was just a long week. I'd love to see them."
"I'll call and suggest: one sister at a time. They can be pretty overwhelming, I get it." I found myself laughing when Derek climbed back downstairs.
"What did I miss?" he asked with a grin, joining me on the couch and kissing my forehead softly, smiling at a sleeping Alice.
"You two had fun, huh?" I grinned back.
"Yep." His expression was mischievous.
"What did I miss?"
"Good shopping, nothing else," he said, scanning my face carefully, trying to hide it from his mother. He was just like her sometimes.
"I'm going to call the girls," Carolyn stood up to make the call in the other room and give us some space.
"Wait. Let them come, please..." I tried again.
"Meredith, they'll understand."
"I want them to come."
"I know. One at a time," she pressed, smiling softly. I let her be. I didn't want to argue with her, she would win anyway.
"What was that?" Derek asked, puzzled.
"She thinks it's better if we have a quiet Christmas. I tried to tell her not to. She's uninviting your sisters."
"I trust Mom."
"I know. I'm sorry. I really wanted them to come, it's just...everything's been so busy lately and I didn't even decorate, it's pathetic." I leaned into his shoulder and he wrapped both me and Alice in his steady arms.
"It's okay. I should have told them no in the first place."
"But you miss them!"
"We'll see them soon. Right now isn't a good time. We'll fly up there for the first long weekend we are both off and see everybody."
"I'm sorry. I'll call them to apologize." His thumb grazed my jaw and he let it linger briefly before kissing me, staring into my eyes.
"I love you," he whispered, kissing me again.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be, I'm sure you'd do the same if it was me. Besides, I want some quiet too."
"We should invite your mother more often, she misses Alice, and I missed her."
"Yeah, you're right, she'd love to..."
We snuggled in silence on the couch, staring outside. I loved those moments where it was just the three of us, and I missed them a lot with our crazy amount of work around the holidays
"It's freezing out there today. I couldn't feel my toes will we were walking outside..." he chuckled, breaking the comfortable silence.
"Looks like it from here," I giggled with him. "I think it will be a rainy Christmas this year. Again." I smirked at old memories of wet Christmases.
"Remember the last one?" he smiled widely.
"We stayed right here most of the day, watching the rain, with Alice cradled in our arms," I reminisced.
"I was freaking out, God I looked so silly. I was so afraid of hurting her..."
"I still am," I thought out loud. I didn't mean to, it just came out without me thinking about it.
"Oh Mer," his hold around me tightened.
"I don't want to stay away from her for such long stretches of time Derek," I sighed.
"I know. But you're here now. You'll be here tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. You've been here since the first day Alice was born, and you're sticking around. She understands that you'd rather be home than work most days. She gets it and she'll be more than fine with that. She will be proud of her mother because she worked her ass off to be a great surgeon. You cherish every moment you can spend with her. It's something some parents take for granted."
"You mean my parents. Normal parents don't do that."
"Mark's family was perfectly normal. They could have been used in a cereal commercial."
Silence filled the void between his statement and my unspoken reply.
Alice stirred in my arms and pushed her head farther into my chest, before opening her eyes, and stretching her arms, letting out a huge yawn. She looked up at me and smiled widely, babbling a more incoherent "Ma-ma" than normal, in a sleepy voice.
"Hey Peanut, did you sleep well?"
She smiled in response, sitting up straighter and looking around. She smiled at Derek too, and he took her into his arms. She pushed her back against his chest, stuffing her thumb in her mouth.
We were all gazing outside, when suddenly some white flakes started falling quietly from the sky. Alice frowned at first, and then she snapped "Oh!" and crawled away from Derek's lap, curiosity getting the better of her. She grabbed the cushion near the wall-wide window and stood up by herself. I expected her to fall, still not used to the new ability, but instead she held her chubby hands out to the cold glass, but finding the curtains instead. She turned to us, her face puzzled. I looked at Derek and I knew that not just my heart had skipped a full beat in that moment. His eyes were glassy from emotion. Our little girl could stand by herself. She pointed out the window with her finger, whimpering.
"That's snow, Peanut. It falls when it is very, very cold outside. It's frozen rain."
"Ow," she repeated.
"Yeah, snow."
"Everything will be white in the morning, you'll see," Derek added, smiling at the thought. He was fond of snow, just like me, and Alice, apparently. She held her hand out to us, still startled by the change.
"Wanna go out and touch the snow?"
"Ow! Ow!" she squealed, giggling happily. When she attempted to clap hands, she fell back onto her bum. She took a second to realize it and stubbornly stood up again. She stood there while I picked up our coats and hats to go outside. She wasn't pleased about all of the layers we put on her, but her face was priceless when a snowflake landed in her palm. She widened her eyes, parting her lips to form an O, and looked up at Derek and me, bursting into tears, hiding her face on my chest. We both smiled.
"Oh, Peanut, is it too cold?" Derek cooed, wrapping her hands in the littlest mittens I've ever seen. She pouted, and turned away from my chest to stare at the snowflakes again. She held her hand out again and another flake fell onto it. She smacked her hand with the other, watching the snow melt and exclaimed a surprised "Ow!" again. I giggled, and Derek laughed out loud.
His mother peeked out of the door "Hmm, it's snowing?"
"It's awesome, Mom," he answered with a voice filled with amazement. His eyes twinkled brightly, like he was a little boy again. He gazed at the snowflakes falling from the sky with the same expression Alice had on her face and, after the tears passed, she was eager to reach out for some more snow. I looked behind us, at Carolyn, who was smiling brightly at the sight in front of her.
"We'd better get back in. We can come back out when it starts to stick, and it's all white."
"One more minute," he pleaded, giving me that cocky grin of his. I put Alice in his arms and they snuggled close, despite the multiple layers between them.
"I'm going back in; I'm freezing my butt off. Don't stay out too long."
I kissed both their cheeks, and then I walked inside, shoving the snow off from my boots.
"Is Derek still outside in the cold?" asked Carolyn, smirking.
"Yeah. I think he's more excited about it than Alice."
"I remember the snowball fights he used to have with Mark and his father back in New York...When they came back inside they were always soaked!"
"We should invite Mark over then." We giggled together at my suggestion. "I really liked snow when I was a kid. It meant no school, and there was a chance that my mother would stay home a bit longer, but the quiet of it always startled me."
"Snow was never quiet at the Shepherd Household," she giggled at the memories.
"I bet. It was beautiful though, wasn't it?"
She nodded in response and we both watched Derek outside, tossing a squealing Alice into the air. Their faces were red from the cold, their jackets were wet, and the snow was still falling from the white sky.
"She'll catch a cold," I mumbled.
"No, she won't. Even if she does, isn't it worth it?"
"Every second of it," I smiled widely, still watching my two favorite people playing in the snow. The grass was getting whiter by the second and soon everything would have been covered in snow. It was a matter of minutes.
"Kathleen is coming tomorrow, and so is Martha. They wouldn't miss Christmas with their brother," Carolyn continued, filling the silence. "Nancy is going to stay with Josh's parents, and Amy and Robert decided to fly out here on New Year's. Is that okay?" Her tone was nearing the apologetic.
"Yeah, I can handle it. It's just that everything has been so busy lately, and I kind of freaked out. I tend to do that around families, it's one of my countless flaws," I admitted, smiling, and not feeling judged for a second by Carolyn's soft eyes.
"Makena and Zoey are coming too."
"Really?" my eyes widened and I wanted to wrap the older woman in my arms and hug her tightly. "That's the best Christmas present I've ever gotten," I whispered.
"She's looking forward to the visit too. Zoey and Alice will get along perfectly, I would bet on it. Dylan might make some trouble, but they'll stand up for themselves," she joked, her eyes drifting away to somewhere that I didn't know, probably back to all of her other grandchildren.
"Thank you Carolyn for taking care of her, of them."
"I would do it again if you needed it," she smiled. "I miss seeing the three of you every day like I do with my other children," she admitted, her gaze fixated on Derek and Alice playing in the snow.
"We miss you too," I smiled widely. Derek's pager rang on the coffee table, followed by mine, breaking the comfortable quiet following our conversation.
"Are you kidding me?" I stared angrily at the pager as soon as I read the screen.
"How bad is it?"
"They don't know! They want us to be around in case they need hands. No freaking way!" I slammed my pager back in place "Excuse me, I need to make a call, I'll be right back. Could you drag Derek in, please?" She smiled, nodding.
I went to the living room and dialed the number without even looking at the screen. I was too busy trying to calm down by watching the snowfall and Derek's childlike games.
"Chief," I hissed angrily as soon as someone picked up, unable to hide my rage.
"Oh, Meredith, you got the page?" he answered like nothing was wrong.
"Are you out of your mind, Chief?" I yelled angrily "We live in the woods. Do you have any idea how long we would take to get there? And that's not even thinking about the return trip! It's freaking snowing, Chief!"
"I know, and I'm sorry, we need hands." He kept his composure while I was clearly losing mine, even more quickly than I had expected.
"Not mine or Derek's. We. Are. Off!" I stressed. I saw Derek step back into the house with a wide grin on his face.
"Please," he said, recovering from my outburst.
"It's our little girl's first snow. There's no way I'm missing it. Get your back up from somewhere else and have a merry Christmas Chief!"
I hung up, snapping the phone shut, and closing my eyes, breathing in deeply to calm myself. I wouldn't have missed this for anything, not even the greatest head trauma Seattle Grace had ever witnessed. Alice's first snow was way better than anything else. Cold hands encircled my waist and frozen lips kissed my neck. I managed to smile, and Derek pulled me closer.
"Is everything all right?"
"I just need a moment. I yelled at the Chief," I smiled sheepishly, trying to calm myself still.
"You did what?" he pulled away a little to look me in the eyes, a bit amused and surprised.
"Yelled, yeah, but he wanted us down in the pit. There is no way we could have driven there. It's freaking snowing!" my voice rose again, but his arms calmed me immediately as they pulled me closer.
"It's Alice first snow."
"That's what I told him. We are staying home," I sighed.
"Even if there's the biggest emergency ever?" he asked mockingly, sounding a lot like Cristina, who was probably already running to the hospital to catch the best cases before all of the other residents. I smiled at the mere idea.
"I held a bomb in a body cavity and saved a guy in a crashed ambulance. I think I've had enough big emergencies in my whole career as a doctor. I'm staying home with Alice and playing with her in the snow, period. You can go if you want to."
He gently turned my face to his with his cold hands, kissing me. I felt his smile on my lips. He tasted so fresh and wintry.
"I'm definitely staying. I won't miss today either, even for the greatest of surgeries."
He kissed me again, pulling my whole body against him this time and my hand immediately went to his chest, steadying us. He was warming up a little, but his hands were still cold when he sneaked them under my shirt. I moaned and giggled, as he tickled me playfully.
"Later." I broke off the kiss and teased him.
"Oh, c'mon, Mom's upstairs changing and bathing Alice, we have time..." his lips met mine again for a long, passionate kiss as he lifted me onto the counter and wrapped my legs around his waist.
"Slow Derek, please. It's snowing," I added, forcing the words out of my foggy mind.
"Slow," he kissed me deeply again, both of us lost in each other's gaze. After a few seconds we pulled away, catching our breath.
"You are a tease, Meredith Grey," he whispered, before giving me another quick kiss.
"I love you, Derek Shepherd."
AN: Okay, that's it.
You can complain about the lack of memorable events or the fact that I completely skipped Alice's birthday and everything between summer and Christmas. I hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless.
I can't believe it's over. After 6 months, almost 42,000 visits, 111 reviews so far and it's over. Thank you for sticking with the story the whole time and thanks to whoever helped me out with this, especially Cheomara7, my Beta.
Thank you to the people who reviewed almost every chapter and to the other who kept popping in every time I updated. Seriously, I wouldn't have done anything without you readers...
I don't know when I'll post the epilogue, but in a week at the most it will be up. I reserve the final goodbyes for that chapter, then...