Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 7: Hazy Shade of Winter

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (Los Angeles, Roosevelt Hotel, December 31, 2004)

I was standing in the corner, fucking praying that Renee didn't find me again. I pulled on my tie for the tenth time in the last five minutes. Who was I fucking kidding! I didn't belong here.

Bella was M.I.A. As one of the bridesmaids she was under detention for the last twenty four hours and I wouldn't be able to see her until exactly eight forty-five tonight when she was relinquished from her duties.

The whole situation just fucking blew. We made the plans for Alice, Jake and I to tag along on the trip when our families got together for Thanksgiving. The wedding was set for New Year's Eve and we were all looking forward to blowing off the event to hang out in L.A. for three days. But Bella got the call on Christmas Eve that she was needed to fill in as a bridesmaid for a last minute cancellation. There went the damn wrench into the motherfucking plans.

Not only did she have to just make do, as Renee had said every second since we arrived yesterday, she was going to be the center of much undesired attention. Bella hated being on display. She hated this side of her family with a passion. And her cousin, Lauren, hated her which made it a strained situation to say the fucking least.

I caught a glimpse of the flower girl running down the hall and saw a profusion of pink ruffles.

Fuck. I was going to be on damage control all night long.

Pink... Ruffles... Fucking Pink ruffles? Poor Bella.

Alice waltzed into the lobby in one of her original creations. She was horrified that Bella was being forced to wear something off the rack. I had only worn her tux because of the indignation that she was feeling over the simple designs of the quaint wedding. I really didn't give a flying fuck what I wore.

"Have you seen the boys?" she asked glaring at me like I had something to do with their disappearance.

"Really?" I asked, scowling at her. She sighed. The dynamic duo had been conveniently missing since we touched down at LAX. They promised to come to the wedding, but they weren't on the Bella support committee like Alice and I were. So I doubted we'd see their fucking ugly mugs until tomorrow for the trip home.

Bastards.

"Bastards," Alice whispered. Spooky. The more time I spent around Bella, the more time I spent around Alice. We were starting to like the same things, and I was actually starting to understand her views on arguments. The minute our monthlies lined up I was getting the fuck out of Forks.

"Have you seen her?" she whined. I shook my head.

"I saw the hair. What the hell Lauren is thinking with those damn fairy crowns I'll never understand. It's so Sweet Sixteen meets Legend."

Damn, I actually understood that reference—thanks a lot Friday movie nights with Bella. I'd have to check into a clinic to have this vagina removed before Jazz found out about it.

That reminded me, "have you heard from Jazz this morning?"

Please God, let this distract her and lead her into the temptation of cell phone usage that will keep me from discovering the secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood!

"Damn!" She trotted off through the front door to call him.

Lucky bastard.

He got to be at home, not wearing some monkey suit. And I was here, completely whipped. I caught another glimpse of pink, the pepto variety this time.

Really?

I recognized the arm as she disappeared around the staircase behind the elevators.

"Bella," I whispered as I followed her. I could hear her crying. Bella wasn't a pretty crier. I didn't trust people who were. Tears were symbols of pain. Pain wasn't fucking pretty.

"Edward," her voice croaked. "Don't look at me!" she screeched.

I stopped at the edge of the staircase. Bella was hidden in the shadow under the stairs like she was the hunchback of Los Angeles.

"It can't be all that bad. I've seen Jacob wearing Alice's dresses before...at least you have a nice body."

She giggled. I could hear her blow her nose.

"Though, I have to admit, Jake has a certain flair for carrying off the pieces regardless of his broad shoulders and thick ankles."

She laughed harder. That made me smile. I liked it when I could make her smile. Sometimes it seemed like I was the only one who could. I liked that thought even more.

"It's not just that I look hideous," she explained. "It's that Lauren's friend who had to back out was a hundred pounds heavier than me. The seamstress can't take the dress in anymore than she already has and everyone just keeps asking me why I'm wearing a different dress than the other girls."

I nodded. This was obviously a girl thing. I sent Alice away too soon. The problem sounded distressing to Bella, but I couldn't figure out what the fuck was making her cry.

I tried to be tactful. I did care about this girl after all.

"So...?" I shook my head. That's all I had.

"Edward!" She was exasperated with me and I hadn't said two words. "I'm the biggest fucking laughing stock to every one of those assholes in there."

I was proud that the swearing was finally used professionally but pissed at the emotion and the statement. I balled my fists as I let her rant continue.

"My grandmother, she keeps saying that she's amazed that the dress is loose at all. She actually told me, to my face, that she remembered me fatter. And Lauren, all Lauren can say is she can't believe my mom could afford the plane ticket for Em and me to fly out here in the first place. My dad doesn't even look at me. Renee wants to make secret diaries and put hot pink streaks in my hair. And every single fucking pair of eyes on me is judging me!" Her voice was shaky and she sniffed at a fresh wave of tears.

My knuckles were fucking white and my vision was red. I'd kill every last fucker in that room for making her feel this way.

"Oh," she said, that hint of fucking irony in her voice. I was glad I didn't know what Lauren looked like—I'd hunt the bitch down right now.

"And Renee is pregnant."

The air was sucked out of the room.

Shit.

Like Bella needed to compete with one more fucker for attention from that prick.

"And it's a girl."

The pain in that last part broke my fucking heart. Bella was sobbing now. Those gut wrenching fucking sobs that punched you in the chest.

I didn't give a shit if she wanted to be alone. She could be alone later. I followed the sound of her voice and took her in my arms. She buried her face on my shoulder. She had an elaborate head dress of dried flowers, sprigs of grass and lacy ribbons fucking duct taped to her head.

Seriously, it was fucking glued in place. And her hair was stiff from two cans of Aqua Net. I was pissed anew. This wasn't my Bella. This was the dressed up, fucked up girl that they paraded around to make fun of. I wrapped my arms around her as tight as I could.

Her little body shook with the force of her tears. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to punch her dad. I needed to hide her away from these awful people and protect her from their judging eyes. But I knew Bella. Leaving now would just be worse in her eyes. It would send some message that she was weak and they could win. She'd rather march back in there and stand with her head held high and cry later in private. She'd never just…

"Let's blow this shit and go get fucked up."

My mind was frozen at the words. It was Bella's voice. And I felt her sobs subsiding as she said it. But it wasn't my Bella talking. And what the fuck did this imposter mean by get fucked up?

"Bella…" I was at a loss. I would do anything in the world to make that ache in her voice go away. But running and doing something really fucking stupid when we were both extreme minors, wouldn't do anything but delay the pain. I knew that better than anyone.

"Ben and Jerry's and a movie fest back in our room. Walk around Griffith Park until midnight. Lift wine coolers from Em's secret stash and pretend I'm not a light weight. Please Edward."

I was shaking my head before light weight.

"Please…" she whispered. As I shook my head again, I was caught off guard by the warm soft lips waiting for me.

Bella and I had only kiss twice since that fateful kiss on her birthday. Both times were awkward and stiff—neither of us enjoying it quite as much as we had in the tree house, alone in the dark. But we were hidden in the shadows again. And my body was really ready to enjoy it this time.

Bella smelled delicious. She was heather and raindrops and I could taste her salty tears on her lips. I took her bottom lip into my mouth and she sort of fucking whimpered.

Completely fucked.

My hands that were around her in comfort now spread wide to explore and caress. Her hands slipped from my neck to my hair. I sucked on her lip. She tasted good. She kind of half jumped half writhed against me when my hands slid over her ass.

I groaned.

She moaned.

And I was totally fucked.

I pulled away before my body could enjoy it so much the hotel room would be my only destination—specifically the shower.

MUD.

Our breaths were deep as we kept our distance from the temptation.

"Bella, I don't want you doing something you'll regret." In all honesty I couldn't live with myself if I ever made Bella feel the way these assholes did.

She laughed, empty and sarcastic.

"Then you shouldn't have let come here at all. Matter of fact, you shouldn't have let my parents have me in the first place. My whole life is one big fucking regret."

I wanted to scold her for saying that like it was the truth. I could never regret Bella being born... Bella saved me.

She was the light at the end of my tunnel. Without her...my life would cease to have meaning.

But, it was hypocritical coming from a dick like me, I know. I hated how easily the slurs were dripping from her disdaining tongue. But I would be the first one to say my life was expendible. Other than protecting my baby brother...what good had I done by being born?

"Okay," I said quietly. "Let's go find Alice and..."

"No need," said a tiny, hard as steel little voice behind us.

Fuck. How much had she seen?

"You wanna explain to me why you were all over her Edward?" Alice sounded like she had Vice on call and was stalling to keep me from running before they got here.

"She's no saint either."

What the fuck was that! My defense was to throw my girl in front of the bus—total fucking prick.

"He's right, Alice. He's my boyfriend you do a helluva lot worst with Jasper."

Shit. My girl was flipping a bitch today. Maybe I should take her to Renee. She'd be mad at me, but she'd get over and no one would get hurt. Then again, I understood the need for release better than anyone. And if I were with her, at least I could protect her.

"Bella, our brothers are off starting shit all over town. Your family is getting ready to celebrate a marriage and you want to ruin your cousin's day by getting shit faced, at the age of twelve in this god forsaken city!"

Hell yes.

"Fuck off Alice." I spat. I'd keep her safe. I knew where we could score some shit—I saw it in Em's bag.

"No," she screeched. Bella was tense and ready to fight in my arms. I patted her back to reassure her that if it came to that I'd take out the pixie bitch.

"Not unless you take me with you."

Well that was unexpected but I couldn't argue with it. Now for an excuse…

Bella was three steps ahead of me.

"Alice," she said. She shoved me out of her arms and started making a gagging sound. I could see in the faint light of the hallway that she was sticking her finger down her throat. My girl was a regular fucking juvenile delinquent. She gagged again. I was feeling queasy now myself. On the third try she struck pay dirt and I could smell and hear the bile hit the floor.

Classy.

"Go tell Renee that I'm sick. And Edward is taking me to my room. Tell her that Em and Jake are going to check in with us and that she doesn't have to worry about anything."

Alice giggled and flitted off to ensure our alibi. Bella was using the train of her dress to wipe her face. It stunk but I couldn't help but smile.

"What?" she said. We had been standing in the dark long enough that my eyes had adjusted. I could see her pretty well in the darkness. And she did look hideous. I snickered.

"I'm just wondering if you've got that hobbit with the ring yet, or not."

She punched my arm, rather well for a girl. But she was laughing too. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off before Alice came in but she shook her head at the look—puke was a kiss killer.

Alice hooted like an owl at the base of the stairs.

Fucking drama queen.

I took Bella's hand in mine and I hoped we weren't making a really big fucking mistake.

-**- Bookends-**-

Everything was feeling pretty damn good by the time we finished the joint.

Alice and Bella had never had the experience of pot before—no big surprise there. Alice was just lying in the corner staring at her hand. Fucking light weight at everything. Bella was sitting in front of the mirror—again. I was kicked back on the sofa, feeling fucking high. It wasn't much different than how I felt when I kissed Bella.

"Where do you think he gets this stuff…" Bella's voice was all airy and mumbly as she watched her self repeat the word stuff in the mirror. This shit wasn't even that strong. She looked so cute all fucked up. I laid my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes.

"Edward," she said slapping my knee as she sat across my lap. "I asked you a question." Her little face, though fuzzy and kind of dreamy looking, was indignant and fucking adorable. It felt good to have her sitting on me like that too.

"What was it?" I honestly couldn't remember. I was too busy focusing on her fucking amazing tits.

Bella grabbed my chin and forced me to look in her eyes.

"Why aren't you kissing me?"

Oh, was that what she asked? That was simple enough to answer. I shoved my lips against hers and groaned when she thrust her warm tongue into my mouth. I was lucid enough to know to stop this shit before we took it too far. But I was stoned enough to want to do bad things.

My tongue massaged hers. She moaned and I was rock fucking hard from the sound. Bella pulled back enough to tease me with her hot breath and nothing else. She looked down. I got as far as her chest. She giggled. My head went even more shit-faced at the sound. I smiled as I reached out and did something I had wanted to do since that morning I got into her bed.

I grabbed Bella's breasts in my hands.

Then I froze.

I looked up at her face with wide fucking eyes. But of course, my Bella was a trooper. She just giggled again and that made me squeeze. They felt soft. I was fucking loopy at the sensation of touching them. She kissed me and pulled away again. My eyes never left my motionless hands squeezed around her breasts. I felt like giggling myself.

I was so completely fucked.

We sat like that for a few minutes. She'd plant a wet hot kiss on my lips and pull back to look down again. I never moved my hands or my eyes. Then Bella killed the buzz and snapped me the fuck back to my senses when she rubbed my erection with her hand.

I shot up off the couch and held her arms tight in my hands till she caught her footing.

"What the fuck!" she said, looking at me like she didn't understand.

"Go take a shower, Bella."

I was suddenly some thirty year sober dad. The drug induced euphoria disappeared at the thought of Bella wanting to have sex. I wasn't some pity fuck and she wasn't an adult who knew what she was doing. In the corner Alice sat up, coming down from her high too.

Bella's face went all sad and heart breaking again.

Fuck.

I was no better than all those other people who rejected her.

"Hey..." I grabbed her face between my hands. I put the severity of my emotions for her in my eyes. "I want you too, but we're way too young and not when we're so fucked we don't know what we're doing."

That was the best I could do.

Bella shook her head. She tried to smooth the hurt from her face. But I could see it in the edges of her eyes. When she got back from the bathroom she'd be reserved and I'd lose another forward advance in the Bella battle. It was impossible to never be hurt by the people you loved. But I wasn't giving up on her like they did. I'd show her someday.

She walked into the bathroom on shaky legs. I could hear the tears flowing before she slammed the door. I turned to Alice and she went in to help her and comfort her. I sat on the couch with my head in my hands.

What the fuck had I done? I showed Bella all the wrong ways to deal with this shit. I pushed her and then denied her. I was a fucking monster. But what could I do? Sex seemed so fucking impossible—she wasn't even a teenager. I couldn't hurt her and fuck her up that way. Tanya was fucking guys at twelve, but Tanya was never pure like my Bella.

And I'd be goddamned if I was going to let Bella end up like that skank of a mother.

I took Bella's place at the mirror and stared the motherfucker down.

I'd keep her safe. Fucking prick!

I sighed. Bella came out of the bathroom with wet hair and a red face. She didn't look at me. She just got into the bed and went to sleep. Alice lay down on the couch and followed suit. I checked them occasionally to make sure the pot didn't have side affects on them.

Fuck! I gave it to them! Keep her safe! From what—from shit head monsters like me?

Every now and then in her sleep Bella's breath would hitch and a whimper would escape her lips. I was suddenly extremely tired. I crawled into the bed beside her. Just to rest. I wouldn't even touch her.

But her little body was drawn to the warmth and soon she was snuggling in to my embrace. She smelled so fucking good and she was so fucking warm.

She sighed when she put her face in the crook of my neck. I buried my face in her hair and passed out.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV

"I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE!" Emmett was bellowing. I shot up in bed at the sound. That threat from those lips was not something you took lightly.

Edward was being pulled off the bed by my massive big brother. Em socked Edward's eye once before I could put myself between them.

"What in the hell are you doing!" I screamed in his face. Edward's nose was bleeding and his eye was a purplish black.

Shit.

"What the fuck are you doing!" he yelled. I glared at him. He was off with his best bud all day and had no right.

"You first," I said condescendingly while throwing a glance at Jacob. Jake blushed and turned to his little sister to make sure she wasn't debauched.

For the first time Alice caught on to the innuendo. She looked from her brother to mine with big eyes.

Jake just flopped down on the couch and didn't make eye contact with anyone. Em was seething above me—but now he was pissed for a whole different reason.

"Fucking judge someone else today Emmett. It was your fucking pot. And your fucking responsibility to look after me."

Em's eyes were hard and wide at the mention of the drugs.

Shit.

Then all at once he dropped it and stood up. He was simmering in hate but he wasn't going to do anything about it. Tit for tat my brother and me.

He sat down on the couch next to Jake and did something he never would have done in mixed company before. He put his hand on Jake's knee, not just as a friend. And when Jake put his head on Em's shoulder, I felt a pang of jealousy. Emmett had kept his secret for years and now that he was challenged he just flaunted it in the open like it didn't bother him. At least where the three of us were concerned. But I had this black shit deep inside of me that I had to keep repressing or the people that I loved, like Edward, would just push me away again.

Edward was lying on the floor, holding his nose up to stop the bleeding. He looked at the boys from the corner of his eye. He didn't look the slightest bit shocked. I glared at his casualness. He just shrugged.

"Please," he said. "Emmett loves fashion and Jake looks killer in a dress."

Emmett actually chuckled at that. Jake nodded in agreement to the dress comment.

"Who didn't know they were gay?"

Alice raised her hand with big eyes and a lost look on her face. I just laughed along with my brother, his boyfriend and my mangled… whatever he was to me. For someone who knew everything about everything, sometimes Alice could be so fucking clueless.