Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 8: A rock feels no pain

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (Cullen house three years later, 2007)

"What do you think, Edward?" Carlisle squared his shoulders and stared at me over his cards.

Fuck. He was hard to read.

I was pretty fucking sure he was bluffing. But the old man had some tricky shit up his sleeve. I traded two cards in my own bluff. I didn't have shit. And with the two worthless cards that Jake dealt me in exchange I was further fucked.

I shrugged and raised him five bucks. He smirked and threw his cards down.

"I'm out," he said with a smile. I laughed and turned his cards over to find two pairs.

Damn, he would have beat me.

I flashed him my fucked up hand and he threw his head back to laugh. For some reason he still found it hilarious when I got away with tricking him.

It was a technique I had been perfecting the fuck out of for a few years now—lying to Carlisle. It burned like fucking acid when I did it, but I had the antidote to sooth the fire.

Bella.

Alice collected the cards and started shuffling the next hand. Jake was texting Emmett.

"Tell him to join us next time," Carlisle said slapping his son on the shoulder. Jake smiled and punched his dad on the arm as he left the table to call Emmett in privacy. He didn't have to hide anything from Carlisle. He just preferred to talk to his boyfriend in private.

Fucking lucky bastard.

I shook my head as Alice dealt the five cards around the table. For three years Jazz and I had become just two additions to the Cullen household. The good doctor even told us that the adoption papers were in the works any time we wanted to make it fucking official. Carlisle opened his doors and his fucking bleeding heart to us without any conditions.

But I knew there were unspoken shit-ass rules that would shut those doors too fast when I fucked up. When we all got back from our trip to sunny California we didn't have any explaining to do. My nose was black and blue and the girls kept jumping any time someone said the word high but none of the adults had any clue about our juvenile delinquent holiday.

Like I said, I was really fucking good at lying to Carlisle. Jake came out to his dad that night when we got home. Just fucking stood in the entryway and told him.

"Dad, I'm in love with Emmett Swan and I want have a sex change operation someday."

You had to fucking admire the guy. All guts. No fucking brains. He didn't even let Carlisle take off his coat. I guess when the rush of determination takes over you just have to follow it's lead before you cop out...like me.

And then you had to just fucking love Carlisle. He just finished taking off his coat, threw his arm around his son's shoulders and talked to him. Just let his son talk to him and he just fucking listened.

Some pit in hell was burning brighter that night with the poison from Edward Masen senior's blood. It would've been nice to have a dad to just fucking talk to.

But then half of what I would talk about would be how my dad used to fucking beat me.

"I'm all in," Alice's little voice was high pitched with excitement. I fucking rolled my eyes at Jazz and threw my cards down. He and Carlisle followed suit and we all laughed at Alice's frown.

Jazz was all sweet and fucking whipped as he explained.

"Alice, remember when we talked about bluffing… and not giving away how good your cards are?" I had to cover my face to hide the motherfucking chuckle that burst from my lungs at the sight of his face. The boy had it pretty fucking bad.

"But all I had was a two threes," Alice said all sad like.

Fuck me, the girl was actually trying to play hard ball.

"Well," Carlisle looked stunned and all fucking proud.

"Touché." He threw his head back and roared with fucking laughter all over again.

You couldn't help but join in. But then that burn was in my throat again. Alice and Jazz had perfected their charade around the good doctor too. All of us motherfucking teenagers around this house were trying our hands at misbehaving.

It was time for me to look the bitch as my ass vibrated from Bella's call.

I collected my winnings and headed up to my room.

"Later bitches!" I shouted. Carlisle's sigh of silent disapproval was loss in the sound of my feet taking the stairs two at a time.

One of these days I was going to fucking have it out with my roommates over my living arrangements. The third floor was never meant to be a room for a fucking person. Alice's studio could completely fucking fit in the attic loft. I hated trudging up the stairway to fucking heaven just to be in the privacy of my own room.

Fuck. I was completely out of breath by the time I reached my room.

"Hey," I said all fucking heavy and breathless.

Great. I had finally lived down the time she caught me jerking off after one of our make out sessions and I had to fucking answer the phone sounding like I was half way there again.

"Poker night finished?" You had to fucking love my Bella. Nothing seemed to bother that girl-even though I knew just about everything bothered her under the surface.

"Yeah," I could hear her breath blowing into the mouth piece.

Fuck. I wanted to feel it on my skin. I actually fucking nuzzled the phone—I couldn't rib Jazz too fucking hard about being Alice's bitch, I was a motherfucking slave for Bella.

She giggled quietly.

Totally fucked.

I closed my eyes and smiled, real fucking goofy like.

"You heading over?" Now my voice really was heavy for that other reason. It was the glorious fucking thing about raging teenage hormones—they made you feel pretty fucking good.

"Soon," her breaths were growing a little shallow as she spoke.

Totally fucked.

"What did Alice say about the weather?" Her voice was kind of husky and it made me grab my crotch as I listened to her.

Fuck! This girl was going to turn me into a motherfucking circus freak! She wasn't even talking dirty.

"Oh," my voice broke as I tried to regain control.

"She said it would be…"

Fuck! I forgot.

MUD.

I shook my head. Bella's breath was still tickling my ear through the phone.

MUD.

"She said it would a little chilly but not too bad."

I stifled a groan as Bella pushed yet another right button.

"Well thank God I'll have someone to keep me warm."

Fuck.

I started beating my head against the wall behind me. She hung up and threw the phone on my couch. I sighed one big fucking heavy sigh and dragged my disgusting ass to the shower.

The one fucking high note of having the loft was the private bathroom. I knew better than to think that with four men in the house Alice hadn't heard the grunts and groans associated with male self servicing in the shower. But the very fucking idea of my little cousin walking in on me masturbating was just too fucking much. Bella's innocent discovery had been one thing—she kind of stared at me all aroused and shit. In fact I all but went straight back to finishing when she finally ran out of the room.

But then Bella never hid her desire for a more physical relationship from me.

I turned on the water and stripped down. As I lathered my self up I let my mind wonder over my totally fucked up relationship with the girl next door. Bella and I were two lost puppies just clinging to each other for support. I was pretty damn fucked up—I didn't really know how much but I was pretty fucking positive that I wasn't a normal guy. Bella was a spoiled little shit—goddamn daddy's issue girls.

I groaned and pressed my hand harder against the wall. I really shouldn't be entertaining any kind of relationship with that Swan bitch.

It was fucking hilarious. Every single person who knew us would point to me if asked which one was the trouble maker. They knew I came from shit. They knew I didn't give a shit about what the fuck people thought about me either. But no one would ever guess that little girl on my arm was the hard core rebel.

It was cute at first—Bella's wild streak. It started that afternoon. I made the biggest fucking mistake in my life. I let Bella see that I was totally hers. Whatever she wanted to do. Whatever fucking lunatic idea popped into her head. I was there for her. If she wanted to get drunk I scored the liquor and I came up with the alibi. If she wanted to skip school I had the car. If she didn't want to get grounded, I took the wrap.

It was fucking degrading but I was willing to do it… for her.

See, everyone who looked in to my eyes saw that beat down motherfucker. They saw the clenched fists of the little prick that had to fight against his own fucking parents for sanity. They saw the shame of a little bastard who didn't have a real home and family until he was fourteen years old.

And when those same fucking people looked in Bella's eyes they saw a shy princess. They saw the quirky girl who just kept to her antisocial self. The girl who had everything.

But when I looked into Bella's eyes…

Fuck, Bella's eyes.

My breaths became pants as my strokes deepened.

When I looked into Bella's big green eyes I saw the girl that was two steps away from becoming me. I saw the pain of not feeling fucking worth anything. And I saw the bitterness that was going to push her to those extremes no matter what the fuck tried to stop her.

So I said fuck it. That day I let that part of me that wanted to be with Bella anyway just take the fucking lead. If Bella wanted to get wasted at least she would be safe with me around. I'd clean up her mess. I'd be there to fucking catch her when she fell. And in return I got to hold her in my arms every fucking night.

My eyes were fucking rolling back inside my head as I thought about how she felt lying next to me in our tree house. So fucking warm and perfect. My face contorted as I released and slammed my forehead against the cold tile wall of the shower in an effort to catch my breath.

I was heaving and sweaty and I let the warm water wash the shit away.

It was pretty fucked up, what I was doing with Bella. But then she fucking used me to. She never gave all of herself to anything. I didn't fucking know if Bella even consciously realized that she did that. She always pulled away. I could see it in her fucking eyes. The fear—the one that told her she'd get hurt.

I couldn't fucking blame her. All of us motherfuckers were terrified of getting hurt. But it's one of the reasons I dicked around with her the way I did.

Literally.

Sure I fucking let our relationship move up to the next level. I even went along with her letting me touch her under her shirt. But that's where it fucking stopped. I'd take off my shirt and I grab her tits when it felt good. But we never did more than touch and suck face.

Sex was fucking off limits.

It started out as a chivalry thing. Some dead part of me was trying to be noble or some shit. Of course at the time she was only twelve. But now she was a full-fledged fucking hormone driven fifteen year old and she had a fucking sex drive that was going to drive me insane. But that was my Trump card. See, Bella might have me so fucking whipped that I smell my clothes when I get home so that I feel like she still with me, but I held on to her pretty fucking hard too. Bella fucking wanted it. Since that day that I told her 'no' it was like some goddamn crusade for her to fuck me.

It got harder the older we got. I was really fucking invested in Bella. I didn't really even notice any other girls. There were plenty of girls—all of them fucking throwing themselves at the doctor's boys, even Jake. But they were all vapid fucking morons next to my Bella. And it was harder because she was so fucking sexy without even trying. Bella had a body that made me go fucking hard by just…

Fucking Christ!

I lathered up a second time and tried to stop thinking about Bella. My dick was going to fall off from all the attention.

I tried to not think about her hair. She had cut it short and dyed it midnight black. But it was still silky smooth and it smelled really fucking good every night against my nose. It was soft just like her and just like her it was a fucking lie on the outside.

On the outside Bella was some slutty minx that would be fucking incredible to bang. I was whimpering as my loose hand clawed at the wall. She had fucking amazing tits. They were perfectly proportioned for my big hands. And she had a tiny fucking waist. My strokes were fucking aggressive as I thought of her perfectly rounded little ass.

I collapsed against the wall once more.

Totally fucked.

From the outside Bella's matured little body screamed FUCK ME. And my body fucking wanted nothing more than to do just that. But it was all I had. When she kissed me out of hurt over something her daddy said to her. Or when she was belligerently bitchy with me because she knew she could be. I knew that I would get her back the second she started to go too far. When I could feel her heat soaking through her thick jeans. When her tongue was diving so fucking far into my throat that I was thrusting against her out of instinct. I knew that when she whimpered into my throat and cocked her hips up against my hand, fucking begging for me to do it, that I would be able to smile and pull away.

It was fucking wrong. But then there was so much about us that was. I finished cleaning myself in the shower and got dressed before more thoughts of Bella jump started my libido again.

I brought the demo CD that Jazz and me put together last month. She was such a fucking hypocrite. I'd wanted to steal her writing for some time now and get it fucking published. She made the mistake of falling asleep while writing one night and I read it. She was a fucking poet—no a fucking insightful and witty writer.

So I thought I'd be sly and get one of her short stories published in a magazine or some shit. Alice was all for helping me. But then Bella found out and fucking blew a fuse. It wasn't our worst fight but it was pretty damn close.

She hit me.

She screamed at me. And she set fire to some of my old postcards. The girl was pretty fucked up. And I wasn't any real support. I just let her do it. Let that shit just pour out of her. She never showed the anger around anyone but me. As someone with a hell of a lot of anger to work through I was a little fucking honored that she would share hers with me. I didn't see any reason to challenge that. And I didn't see any reason to include the motherfuckers that made her feel this angry either.

She came around eventually. That was just the think about Bella and me, we couldn't fucking be without each other.

I put the idea of trying to get her writing noticed to rest. But then she snuck the dagger into my fucking back by having Alice and Jazz scheme to get my music circulating the conservatory circuit. Bella claimed it was to get me a leg up at being accepted to a music school when I graduated. That was so fucking low on my list of priorities in life right now. But she wanted me to follow that dream with some unreal fucking passion.

It was so fucking Bella. She never admitted to having any plans for her own future, but she wanted me to have what I wanted and she wanted it so fucking obsessively that I had no choice but to want it too. That shit really didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't want to do anything if I didn't have a promise of Bella beside me.

Totally FUCKED.

I stopped when I was ten feet away from the tree house. She was leaning against the trunk with that lazy fucking smile.

MUD.

She was going to be a butt load of trouble tonight. And though the twice around in the shower was nice to take the fucking edge off, it was acting more like lighter fluid for the slow burn that I fucking had for the girl in front of me.

MUD.

She pushed off of the tree and ambled over to me.

MUD.

She looked really fucking sexy when she walked that way—hell I was a seventeen year old guy, she looked fucking sexy moving in any way.

MUD.

She stopped close enough to mix her breath with mine in the December air.

I looked down in to her gorgeous sage colored eyes.

Totally fucked!

"Hey," she breathed. I nodded, too far gone to speak. I leaned down and kissed her lips sweetly.

Fuck she tasted good.

MUD.

"Come on," I said and threw my arm around her shoulders. We headed up to our sanctuary.

Totally fucked up and lost but somehow right in all the wrong ways.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (two nights later at the Cullen house)

It felt so good to be free for one night. Edward was relaxed back on the chair and I cuddled up in his arms. The alcohol was burning the ache away just like it always did. I couldn't focus on any one thought for longer than a second.

It was really fucking nice.

Edward was humming my song absentmindedly as he watched the others playing cards. We weren't playing cards.

I was tired of joining in with the crowd.

Lucky for me, Edward was always more willing to do whatever I wanted rather than what everyone else was doing.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his throat. I could feel his skin pull tight with his big smile. He always liked it when I kissed him.

I smiled as the wicked thoughts started saturating my mind. Before I knew it I was acting on those thoughts. I licked and sucked his skin.

He groaned. It made me all hot and wet when he did that.

His hands were on my hips. They drifted down to my ass and grabbed me hard. I bit his flesh under his jaw.

He groaned again.

"Fuck Bella," he hissed. I could tell he was enjoying this just as much as I was. I thrust my hips across his lap in a slow deliberate way, fisting my hands in his shirt to pull myself closer to him. He groaned in a breathless sound that wrapped around one word.

"Fuck."

"Knock it off!" Em yelled from the table.

I flipped him off without moving my lips from Edward's skin. Edward's chest shook as he chuckled. His voice was all husky and thick with lust.

I worked my way up his chiseled, scruffy jaw to his full pouty lips. It was my turn to moan when his hands moved up my back and secured me to him sharply. My breasts shoved into him and as our chests moved faster with our ragged breaths.

I whimpered at the feel of our bodies rubbing against each other innocently.

I bit my bottom lip and stretched my neck back. Edward followed my lead.

I loved it when Edward kissed my neck. It felt really fucking good. His hot tongue stroked from the base of my throat to my ear. He drew my earlobe between his teeth.

I was tingling everywhere, especially everywhere below my waist. His mouth continued to make the circuit- his devilish lips planting wet, hot kisses and sucking my flesh.

I whimpered again.

I actually started to loose control a little. All at once I was lost in the sensations and my body was writhing in his arms. My chest pressed impossibly closer to his, creating that sweet friction still. My hips moved back and forth across his need stretching his pants.

He groaned.

"STOP IT!" Emmett yelled.

Edward's hands were iron fetters on my hips, making all fun stop instantly.

He shoved me off of him with a heavy sigh.

I sighed too.

Damn Emmett and his moral high ground.

He got to fuck Jacob whenever he wanted. Edward and I couldn't get pass second base. Don't get me wrong we made the most out of it. But no matter how hard I tried Edward always pulled away when I indicated wanting more. It didn't bother me so much anymore. I just put Edward in the same category as Alice, and Em and my mom. They were all the people who loved me and didn't want to lose me so they kept just enough of a safe distance from me.

Em came out to me years before that day in Los Angeles. Well he didn't come out to me so much as I walked in on he and Jacob having sex on his bed. He told me that it was just like breathing to be with Jacob. That until he realized the way he felt for his best friend he didn't know that he could feel that way about anyone.

I admired his courage to be with the one he loved. They had to hide from the general public. Even now with the families knowing they still kept their relationship low key. But they were together and Em was one hundered percent committed to him.

I was extremely jealous that day. Em had never been one hundred percent behind me. And with a fatal love in his life, I couldn't expect him to focus too much effort on doing so now.

Alice had Jasper. She looked at him the way Edward looked at me. She was totally his, which just meant she could never be totally mine. It was childish and stupid, but then I was just that too- one big fucking selfish child.

Then there was my mom. The woman who walked out on the asshole who made everyone feel worthless. The person who got up every morning to put food on our table and the roof over our head. The woman who was dedicated to the community of Forks every minute of everyday. And with the whole of Forks being her main concern, I took a quiet backseat and bit down on my tongue. Mom made time for me, she loved me, she made a point of being interested in my life, but I would always have to share her.

Such a selfish child, Bella.

Edward stood up with me and took my hand. He punched Emmett's arm as we left the room. My brother's retaliation was lost when he came face to face with me instead of my boyfriend.

I was stupid enough sometimes to want challenge him to do it.

Just hall off and fucking hit the shit out of me.

Maybe that pain would dull the other. Maybe then I wouldn't have to turn to these nights of immature irresponsibility. Maybe then I could appreciate the great guy who was leading me out the back door and down the dark path to our shared sanctuary.

He stepped back to let me climb the ladder first.

I smirked. I wondered if I ever thought of that trick as chivalrous. I was pretty damn sure most of my teenage life that Edward only went second so that he could stare at my ass.

Oh well, I shimmied it for my audience as I navigated the fifteen steps that I could climb blindfolded.

I turned on the battery powered lamp and smoothed out the blankets on the makeshift bed. For the last three years this place really had become a hide away for me- for us. With the exception of the impossibly freezing winter nights, Edward and I had spent almost every night in the tree sleeping in each other's arms. That first night had been a fluke. We'd fallen asleep by accident. But when we woke up the next morning it just felt right.

I shook my slowly sobering head as Edward sat on the Cullen side of the tree house and dangled his legs over the edge.

The guy had never ending patience. I knew that he was pretty committed to whatever this arrangement was. Some girlie naïve part of me wanted to call it a relationship. While the jaded motherfucker wanted to run back to my cold dark bed alone and cry. But the chick who sat in the middle of those extremes hoped that she wasn't using and abusing the only person in her world that seemed to want her.

"You think it will rain tonight?" he asked kicking his foot against the ledge.

I shook my head again.

Edward had a way of just keeping you in the moment. Maybe that's why it was so easy to forget the guilt—he never gave me enough time to wallow.

"No."

I sat down next to him and put my hand on his raised knee. He was wearing his favorite jeans that had the knees worn through to rags. I could feel his hairy skin on my warm finger tips.

"Alice said she checked on line and she was positive it wouldn't even sprinkle."

Edward chuckled. He put his hand on top of mine and played with my fingers like they were keys on his piano.

It was such a tangled fucking web we were all living these days.

Mom would flip if she knew I was sleeping with Edward—even though his staunch rule of no sex was always in effect. Em was on patrol with her finding out because I had afternoon "study" sessions between he and Jake covered from her intrusions. Alice was cool with helping us because she didn't want Carlisle to find out that it was her cousin Jasper that was going with her to the fashion trips to New York every other weekend and not me.

And Edward just quietly kept everyone's secrets and waited for me to lay down in his arms every night.

God fucking help us if either of our parents took the time to notice how blood shot our eyes were on the mornings after vacation parties. We didn't do it all the time. There was a brief period when I started high school, last year, that Edward let me go wild. He even got me some more drugs to try.

But three times of smoking turned me off of that shit. I always got fucked up enough to really want to do something with Edward. And he would always be the gentleman and force me away.

I knew that he was doing it for my own good. He told me he cared about me. He told me that when we were really ready he would be all in. But it still hurt—a little too damn much for me to want to do it again. So, I took to only getting fucked up on holidays and never going for the hard shit.

Alcohol just made me loopy. I could suck face with Edward all night, maybe even tease his ass good and hard, and then just pass out. Tonight was kind of special—in one of those fucked up ways. It was New Year's Eve—exactly three years since I had thrown myself at him the first time.

Edward laced his fingers through mine.

"Those guys from Boston called about the demo again," he told me.

I smiled at him. Edward didn't think his music had a shot in hell at getting him in to the Pops music conservatory. I knew better. I sent the demo in last summer, without his permission, with every confidence in the world that he would be invited for an audition.

He smiled back at me—all goofy like.

"They said they would love to hear from me in the spring."

I smiled to cover my grimace.

There you go, being the selfish child again, Bella.

I wanted Edward's dreams to come true—the ones he whispered only to me in the darkness of our nights together. But it meant giving him up the way I gave everyone else up.

Right now, in a really fucked up way, he was one hundred percent with me, for me and I didn't have to share him. Edward didn't give a shit about anyone else. I never saw him talking to other girls. He never acted like he wanted to be with anyone else. Every single second that we could be, we were together. Sending him to the other side of the country seemed so impossible for me to do.

Of course you could always follow him you dummy. He's told you a thousand times that Boston U would be perfect for you. He's hinted at the high cost of renting and how it would be great to have a roommate. He's even hinted that graduation would be a coming of age in almost every way for us—that if I went with him I just might get to have my Edward cake and finally fucking eat it too.

I licked my lips as I stared at his. I needed to change the subject before I got on some fucked up path of thinking.

"So, Alice's friends, James and Victoria, are throwing a bash next week in Victoria. Are we in?" I never bothered referring to myself as an individual anymore. I just assumed Edward's permanent place beside me.

He smiled. He moved his hand from mine and cupped my cheek. A more self confident girl would be able to resist it, but I pushed against his touch with anticipation and need. His skin always made me feel like I was coming to life. I think without Edward I would be some lifeless zombie who was sleepwalking through her existence. His warm touch caressed my skin.

"Sure," he whispered.

I sighed, contented for now. I leaned into his side and watched the quiet night in his arms. I listened to his strong steady heart beat. It was like some promise that he would always be around for me. I smoothed my hand across his chest over that comforting pulse.

"Why don't you write me letters anymore?"

The question was so random that it jolted me into a sitting position away from his warm body.

I searched his chocolate eyes for some purpose behind the question.

"Because I see you everyday," I spoke with a confused expression. "The only thing I would have to write about would be you."

He smiled again and went back to palming my cheek.

"Exactly," he whispered. I frowned and questioned him with my eyes. He chuckled. "It's just you have such a way with words… I always knew so much more about what you were feeling and how you were experiencing something… I miss it."

He shrugged. His voice was matter of fact—simply the truth.

I stammered to even respond. "Well… why don't you draw for me anymore?"

I kind of knew the answer to that one. Edward had found his music again when he came here. The sketches were his escape from the hell of the Masen house. Once he was with the Cullens he left the hell and found the harmony of the music.

But still, I missed the postcards too.

"You know why," he confirmed. His fingers smoothed over each delicate line of my face. They swept over my eyes and nose and lips. "There isn't anything in my mind but you."

My breath stopped.

His index finger stayed on my bottom lip. It dipped between my slightly parted lips for a second and moistened the plump flesh as it swept back and forth—as his tongue was apt to do most nights. He took his hand back from my body and I drew my bottom lip between my teeth.

I hadn't expected to get an confession from him. My mind was screaming for my mouth to work. I wanted like hell to be able to return the favor. I wanted to tell him I always had him on my mind too. I wanted to fucking lie down and prove to him that he was the only motherfucker on the earth that this body craved.

But I just stared at him.

He chuckled again—this time the sound was a little darker. It was like he was in on some secret joke that I didn't get.

"Come on Bella," he stood up and drew me into his arms. My eyes were wide and open to him. He brushed my lips with his—the lightheadedness of the alcohol was buzzing back through my brain.

Without thinking I pulled his shirt up over his broad beautiful chest. He was already taking mine off in the same motion. I leaned back in his arms and he planted a wet hot kiss on my stomach. It made me giggle—I was very ticklish.

He laughed with me and kissed that spot between my breasts that was exposed by my bra. Then he ran his tongue up my chest, over my neck and to my ear. I was breathing really fucking hard and wetter than his languid tongue that was stroking against my earlobe. I was rocking against him instinctually. I could feel his chest rising as fast as mine—and I could feel his arousal pressing against me through his jeans.

He lifted me up and I encircled his waist with my legs. My hands tangled in his hair and with impressive strength he lowered us to the mattress. He laid me down under him and moved his wicked lips to mine.

I whimpered.

He groaned.

We were writhing against each other. He moved his lips from mine to kiss me once hard and sharp against my throat. I let out a breathless cry and he pulled away.

My body was pulsing and throbbing. I sat stunned for a second, but only for a second. I wouldn't let him see how much it stung.

He leaned down and pulled up the blanket. And by the time he was in place I was pulled together enough to just melt into his embrace.

Tonight we slept facing each other. I only did this on the nights when I was fucked up enough to not remember much the next morning. When I lay like this I could feel his heart lulling me to sleep. And I could feel our chests pressed against each other in comfort. I rested my head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck. He smelled like home—whatever the hell that was. He buried his face in my hair at the top of my head and we drifted off into oblivion with his music softly playing in the background.

This was something so pure and perfect that I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. It would hurt like fucking hell when it all went away.

I kissed his skin unconsciously and I'm sure I dreamed the words I heard whispered in the dark but I was too tired to really check.

I love you.

The rest was darkness.