Bookends Chapter 12: Hello Darkness, my old friend, a twilight fanfic

Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 12: Hello Darkness, my old friend

-**-Bookends-**-

Preface:

EPOV

"Bella," I breathed against her lips. We didn't have much time. They would be here soon and I would be gone.

Four fucking months! How could I fucking survive without her for four fucking months?

I wanted to fucking close my eyes against the agony, but I would never close my eyes again. Not if I could see that fucking look shining in hers.

Fuck. Her sage eyes were relaxed and full of... love. She drew me into her eyes- fucking forced me to drown in every emotion that was layered inside her head.

Fuck.

Our breaths were not ragged and desperate but my pulse was throbbing in my neck.

Fuck. There was some kind of energy surrounding us- some kind of fucking force building in the air.

I was so fucking hypnotized by those eyes.

Everything was fucking heather and raindrops as her breath washed over my face. Her hand brushed across my forehead and pushed my hair back to my scalp. I was fucking crumpling. Whether I was going to become so fucking hormonal psychopath or just fall over and weep like some fucking depressed widow, I couldn't say.

"I love you."

Fuck. My breath stopped at her words. They were quiet. They were unexpected. And they were fucking honest as hell. In all the thousand of times that I had told Bella Swan that I loved her I had never fucking meant it as much as she did right now.

I was fucking flying from the thought.

Bella fucking loved me! I could survive the next four fucking months. I could survive another four hundred fucking years if it meant that Bella would still fucking love me.

I didn't think about anything else once she said that. I could fucking survive anything else.

I leaned in and touched her lips with mine in the an unbelievably tender caress.

I fucking loved her too.

I growled as she unzipped my fly, moving her delicate hand right toward my hard fucking dick. My eyes fucking rolled back in my head.

Fuck yah!

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (the morning of Tanya's hearing, March 2007)

I just kept staring at my phone.

Talk about déjà fucking vu.

My phone stared back at me empty and unaccommodating. I wanted so badly to be able to step through the device like it was a portal or something. I was irate that the technology limited me to only talking to Edward.

I wasn't good with words and Edward. I wasn't good with communicating with words at all. Case in point - my inability to tell him I loved him. If he were here in person he would see how my eyes were swimming in need to console him. He would feel my arms locked around him in that vice like tenacity that I had only toward him. And he would understand that maybe I couldn't say the word but in every fucking sense of the emotion I loved him.

The tears flowed without words. He would not be crying right now. But he would be hurting. I wanted to be there with him. I just wanted to stand in the back of the room so that he could just see me- know that I was there for him.

I turned on my laptop. I was too exhausted to write anything to him. It would all just be sappy shit about how bad I felt anyway. I placed my fingers over the eight keystrokes that would at least spell out the sentiment he so powerfully deserved.

Ah crap. I couldn't even type the word.

A live foo… close but no cigar.

I just stared at the computer screen… I wasn't accomplishing anything just sitting and staring at the screen. It didn't do any good to wallow in worry either.

I pulled my phone back out and sent Alice a text.

Edward hadn't technically asked me to go to prom…I'd fake-whined it out of him… but we were going anyway. It was kind of dumb. Neither of us really liked stuff like school dances. But Edward would be leaving for Boston in three months. And I wanted to experience one thing semi-normal for us to keep us going once he was gone. A memory that showed everyone around us that we could just be kids…normal kids.

Such a memory, however, required stunning eveningwear. I'd be willing to bet that Alice couldn't resist dressing us for that. She was always interested in an excuse to treat Edward and I like Barbie and Ken.

And maybe it would give us something to do together. Something that might help bridge this funky gap that seemed to be forming between us.

I'd been worried since yesterday morning-after Edward talked dirty to me on the phone. An interesting experience to say the very least. Edward had a sexy voice…especially when he said the word fuck. But unfortunately my nothing really came of it, because my body only knew how to respond to Edward's touch.

When I saw Alice I told her about it and she sneered with some sick satisfaction when I told her it just left me kind of unsatisfied. It was really rather scary—like I wasn't talking to Alice anymore.

Then when I saw her last night, she was fucking smug. She kept throwing me weird looks and dropping crude hints about satisfaction… like she had gotten some in the time we had been apart—even though I knew the only guy she would do it with was sleeping in a room next to my guy.

Then she was her usual-Alice by the time the movie we were watching was over. She hugged me and smiled. That same old Alice smile.

Edward finally said yes! Let's hook up and get designs. 10?

I would never be one of those savvy texters… OMG… LOL… WTF… It was all Greek to me and I would never get the hang of it. I just sent volumes of words for people to read on their phones. I wasn't the worst one in the bunch, though. Edward gave up even trying to figure out texting when he got his first cell phone.

He proclaimed that I was the only person he talked to anyway. And I hated the method of communication, so Edward hated it too.

I smiled as I thought of him.

Then I sulked as I thought of him.

That bitch better not hurt him.

It wasn't beneath me to track her down and punch her in her motherfucking face. I could do it, too. Edward had taught me how to throw a punch.

But then he had regretted teaching me the first time I punched him.

I sighed as I remembered some of the times I let my fist swing in his direction. I didn't like hitting Edward. I mostly only punched him once or twice and then snapped out of whatever insanity had forced me to do it. I really hated the idea that I was just added to long list of assholes who physically took out their aggression on him.

There was just some fucked up part of my brain that said I could do it because he would take it. I could hurt him because he would always come back.

And he would never hurt me.

I'm so fucked up.

I couldn't stand hurting Edward, but I really did want to punch Tanya. It tempted me every minute of everyday that I had Edward in my life.

If that bitch broke him today…she better fucking go into hiding.

My phone vibrated in my palm.

Edward had talked me out of individualized ringtones over the years. He had schooled me in the pleasure of vibration… in so many more ways than just the one…

I flipped it open to read Alice's response.

Maybe more like 9—let's go to PA—do you think Marie's would have a sale this time of year? We can take the Volvo—Edward won't mind. See you then. Al.

I sat there eyes wide and mouth gaping at the message. The phone number was hers and the name signed at the end was hers. But… who the fuck wrote the message? Alice Cullen had never insisted on shopping for outfits for social events. She never would have suggested we buy something off-the-rack for something even half as important as prom. And she sure as fuck would have never even thought about wearing something she got for a bargain…

C U 2morrow.

I was not at all impressed by my attempt at text lingo. Nine a.m.—that gave me roughly four hours.

I ambled over to my bed. I had taken to sleeping days again during Edward's absence. School was not an option without him. I just sat around mopey and depressed. That was actually the first morning I had left the tree house at all.

Mom didn't push me on the whole Bella-can't-survive-without-Edward thing. She didn't want to deal with emotional-outburst-screaming-Bella again… who could fucking blame her. I hated dealing with that bitch too. I hated feeling trapped behind her while she screamed all the wrong things in all the wrong contexts to the people I loved.

Like I did many nights I thought about how well Alice and Edward and even Jazz handled their pasts. None of them seemed to have half the issues I did.

And what issue did I have that required all this grief? I asked myself. I searched the darkness in front of me for that answer. I had no clue why I did the things I did. Maybe I was the spoiled bitch that my brother called me when he told me to grow up.

Maybe I was just an idiot.

I lay on my side and hugged my Axel doll… it was lame. But I was in a video game store with Emmett on Saturday, and missing Edward completely, when I found him. Em tried to explain who he was I got something about Kingdom Hearts and something else about video games that just went right over my fucking head. I didn't really give a fuck what he really was. He was twelve inches of Edward in plush form to me.

He had perfectly pale skin and he was dressed all in black. His features were made out of cotton and felt but his nose was perfectly straight and his eyes were wide and open. I used fabric paint to match his exact shade of chocolate brown when I got him home. And his flaming red hair stuck up in a masterful disarray that made me pine for my favorite head of bronze colored locks.

Okay, he really didn't look a thing like Edward but when I locked eyes with him… I just felt like Edward was there.

I clutched him close when I slept… nowhere near as satisfied as I was with the real Edward in my arms.

I awoke to my phone alarm buzzing. Eight thirty. I took a shower and got dressed. I grabbed a pop tart and threw it in the toaster. Mom was already out and Em was at school.

Alice didn't have the threat of high school education hanging over her every move. Carlisle allowed her to be on home studies since she was a needed for her business.

My mind wandered as I left the house. I wondered what would change if Carlisle adopted Edward and Jazz.

If Carlisle adopted them? I stopped short as I crossed from the Swan side of the yard to the Cullen side. When. Not if. There could never be another if in Edward's life.

When. When. When. I chanted silently in my mind as I hopped up the steps to the front door.

"Bella," Alice called from the driveway. I hadn't noticed her there. She was leaning against my boyfriend's cherished silver car like she was a kid about to steal some candy from the cupboard. I shuddered internally at the thought. Sometimes I thought Edward loved that freaking stupid shiny silver Volvo more than he did me.

Cars were freedom. Edward liked having freedom.

I couldn't fault him for that.

"Sorry Alice," I said turning on my heel and heading toward the car. "Didn't see you."

She smirked. Same old Alice today.

Good. Emotional-outburst-bitchy-Bella couldn't handle fucking-scary-mean-Alice today.

We gabbed about everything and never really said anything on the drive to Port Angeles. It was kind of funny. For a few short hours it was like we went back in time. Back to before Edward and Jazz came to live with Dr. Cullen. Returning to when Alice and I didn't have so much shit getting between us.

When I was only beginning to really hate my dad.

We tried on dresses in several shops. Even I, the eternally-allergic-to-all-things-retail-girl, had to admit it was pretty fun. Alice and I had never just gone shopping. There was never really any need. Alice could design and create clothes that were better than anything you found in a store. Sure we visited P.A. to buy stuff for holidays and stuff like that. But never any clothing shopping. It was another one of those stupid normal girlie moments for me. Like getting to go to the prom with my high school sweetheart, shopping with my best friend was just something I never thought I would get to do.

And even Alice was excited and having fun. She would giggle and shimmy in her dresses. I would blush and hide from the giant mirrors in mine.

Seriously who were they freaking kidding with the wall of fucking judgment that was those mirrors?

Eventually we settled on two perfect dresses. Well, as perfect as the racks and the sale price would allow. Another great bonus of having a pint sized designer as your best friend. Free expensive clothes.

We ate lunch and headed back home. I was really anxious with each mile that drew us closer to Forks.

Edward should be calling soon. How long did parole hearings take? I wondered.

"You worried about the boys?" Alice asked. I was honestly truly shocked that she did. Alice had made talking about Jazz off limits since New Year's. I had seriously wondered for a while if he had tried something at that party. Just the way they both looked when Edward and I found them in the garden… the way that Alice's eyes looked.

Guilty. Ashamed.

"Yeah," I said pulling myself from the confused thoughts. "Edward didn't seem surprised about what you had said about the lawyers."

"That's because Dad had a big talk with them before they left." Alice was focused on the road but her eyes were somewhere else as she explained. "He had a long talk with all of us. Asked all of us to be brutally honest. We sat in the living room and laid it all out."

Wow, that seemed very democratic and open of a parent to do.

"Did you ever hear what happened to Jake's mom?" She inclined her head to me briefly to see my shake my mine.

Mary Alice Brandon was the stuff of Forkian urban legend. Some people say she never really existed. That Dr. Cullen was just given Jake by some pack of stray wolves that found him in the woods. Mom would just kind of change the subject. And no one would ever disrespect Dr. Cullen enough to ask him about it.

"Jake told me once, that he remembers her leaving…remembers that they were fighting all of the time by then. It's kind of crazy cause he would have only been about two when she left. But I know as good as anyone that you hold on to traumatic shit for a long time... with perfect fucking clarity," she muttered bitterly.

I was just silent as she shared. I didn't dare breath wrong. Alice never discussed the bad shit in her life. As far as I knew, all the years that I was best friends with her, that shit was just gone from her mind. Like she willed those bad memories away and didn't start keeping memories in her mind until she was a Cullen.

"He says he thinks she was pregnant when she left. Says Dad was pretty tore up for years with searching through med records for a kid. He had no clue where she went or if she even had the baby but he says it was pretty damn hard. It hurt him more to lose the possibility of a second child more than it really did to lose his wife."

Damn, poor Dr. Cullen.

"So…" Alice's hands tightened around the stirring wheel. Her eyes were lost in thought again. "When Dad found me, and wanted me to be a Cullen, he had a family meeting with Jake…. And me"

I tried not to show the wrong emotion. Interest, I conveyed interest. But confusion was mostly what I felt.

"See, Dad sees it as a choice. He feels Mary didn't have a choice… that maybe he didn't give her the opportunity to make one. And he feels that cost him a very important life in his world. He refused to have that happen again. And then, of course, there was also the matter of how he has blindly helped Tanya."

I growled at the sound of her name.

Alice laughed—tinkling and musical. "Yeah, but that was something he hated but he had to do. He felt he owed her everything because she was family. And family is the most important thing to Dad. So when he decided to make me a member of the family he said we had to lay it all out. Jake had to say his part. And I had to say mine. And even Dad had stuff to say too."

I was pretty buzzed on my admiration for Dr. Cullen.

Wish I could have a Dad like that.

"So, Friday morning we had our family meeting. He told us he wanted to adopt the boys. He had a particularly long talk with just Jazz and me about our relationship." She laughed. "I told him I thought it would be fun to be able to introduce him as my brother slash boyfriend." I laughed with her. We were reaching the city limits of Forks. The woods were so familiar it was almost painful to see them. I was suddenly depressed again because Edward wouldn't be there when I got back home.

"Anyway, we all agreed. Ed and Jazz were Cullens. End of story." She was silent after that. It was just a weird moment for me. We were still fifteen minutes from our homes and I couldn't fill the silence.

It was kind of a non sequitur conversation. I supposed it made sense with talking about the adoption. But I wondered if it was more than that for Alice. She didn't say anything or indicate that she wanted me to talk more about it. And I was terrified to say the wrong thing. Some odd feeling in the back of my mind was gnawing on the thought that she was trying to tell me something because of it.

I shook my head. Two seconds before I was out of the car Edward called. I was soaring by the time I got to my room. That harpy was on parole but the boys were in Carlisle's custody still. And they were coming home early.

I hung my newly acquired prom dress up—just the right shade of green to match my eyes. Edward would be home in less than an hour. I was sort of giddy but then I saw my bed and I was suddenly exhausted. Four days without him had been like a year in purgatory.

I collapsed onto my bed with the weight of him facing his Tanya-demon, and me trying to connect to my Alice problem. I could almost smell him—rain kissed lilacs and honey. I was out.

-**-Bookends-**-

Bella…

I moaned. I wasn't ready to get up. I was having a good dream. I was warm and surrounded by Edward's scent. I was so comfortable and happy. It was like it was four years ago.

Back when I was a totally different Bella.

I burrowed my face in my pillow—God my pillow was stiff and hard. I squeezed my Axel tighter in my embrace—he was a bit more substantial and muscular than I remembered too.

"Bella? Would you like to get the fuck up now?"

I smiled—the big ass goofy smile.

"Edward," I purred. I kept my eyes closed and let my other senses drink him in. He chuckled, deep and husky in his broad chest. The chest that I was laying on. I felt his breath and heartbeat against my ear. And his strong back was warm on my fingertips. I buried my nose into his neck and inhaled deep.

I missed him so much. He chuckled again.

"Get the fuck up already. I have to pee."

I laughed at that. I raised my head to see him—he was magnificent to see when you first opened your eyes.

"How long was I out?" I asked sleepily.

He traced my lips with his finger. I couldn't even focus on the way his touch made me feel. There was something in Edward's eyes—that intense emotion that was captivating every other interest in my body. If I didn't know better I'd call that the look of love.

"Don't know," he said and shrugged. "Don't fucking care."

He smiled—dazzling and beautiful.

My breath was kind of ragged as I took in that continued pointed stare.

"Welcome home," I told him.

"Thanks," he whispered.

-**-Bookends-**-

Four weeks.

Edward and Jazz had just twenty eight days to show that they were normal, average, teenage boys.

No big deal, right?

For any two other fucking teenage boys it would be no big deal.

"Bad idea," I said shaking my head as I got in to the Volvo on the Tuesday afternoon. It hadn't even been twenty four hours from the time they were put on probation. And he hadn't told me what they were planning but I saw the way he and Jazz winked at each other in the hall after school. I knew him way too well to not know something was up.

"Bella," Edward chided as he tore out of the parking lot. Where the hell he thought the fire was whenever he got behind the wheel of this damn car I would never know. He drove like a maniac—a completely in control one, but a crazy person none the less.

"We aren't planning anything."

That's right Masen keeping your eyes forward because you know you can't lie to me when you look at me.

"Look at me."

I wouldn't dick around with this. There were twenty seven days in front of us. And my guy was notorious with crapping out on the final hour—not on purpose just a self destruct mechanism. I only understood it because I had one too.

He turned with a heavy sigh. His eyes glanced at me but then shifted quickly back to the road.

Crap. They were planning something really stupid.

"Look at me!" I practically screamed.

"I have to drive too!" he yelled. That was a miserable fucking excuse. Edward could navigate the back roads to our houses with a fucking blindfold on—even with traffic on the road.

"Edward Anthony Masen Jr.!" He turned to glare at me. "You will NOT fuck this up!" I commanded.

He slammed on the breaks. We were in the middle of a wooded area at the edge of town. I really hoped that no logging trucks came by at the wrong minute. He sat frozen with an intense glare at me. I couldn't tell if he was angry or if he was ashamed or what the fuck he was.

"I…" he dropped his eyes to search not in the car but in his mind for the right thing to say.

"What were you and Jazz talking about?" I whispered. I admit I resorted to my most powerful weapon for first string of defense. I didn't have time to dick around with this. It was my responsibility to keep him on track. He would not fail if I had anything to say about it. So I whispered my magic whisper.

He glared again. This time I knew it was anger—he hated that he was going to admit everything to me because he could not resist that damn whisper.

"Jazz and I were going to meet the gang in La Push."

Shit.

"When?" I leered.

"Tonight," he sighed.

"Edward," I warned.

"It was planned months ago, Bella," he half-whined in an exasperated way that was meant to tell me don't worry about it.

I clenched my fists and counted to one hundred.

I was going to fucking punch him. Edward had promised me that night on the dock that he was giving up that stupid shit. Mostly he had—spending all of his free time getting me off, or just being with me until the time was right to get me off.

But I knew better than to be dumb enough to believe that he would let go of the gang. The stupid pack of boys from school and from the Res' that hung out together and did stupid shit at stupid times.

Em and Jake used to be a part of the gang but they gave up the stupid shit to be together.

Fifty one. Fifty two. Fifty three.

The gang had formed when we were kids. And like with all things in my life when teenagehood hit they went crazy. They became some stupid ass secret club that did stupid ass shit… Edward never gave me too many specifics. He told me once that some of the boys brought their girls along sometimes but after the look I gave him when he suggested it he didn't push for me to join in.

Getting shit faced on my own terms was one thing. Lifting cars or dropping acid or jumping off of fucking cliffs in the dead of winter was something else entirely. Luckily the gang only did their stupid shit two or three times a year—unfortunately the boys in the gang felt very loyal to the pact of being in it and that fucking stupid night was tonight.

Right at the start of the most important fucking month of his life.

"No," I said flatly. I tried to sound confident that I could stop him but I knew if he really wanted to do something I couldn't fight it. I held my chin up. I didn't really have any power over him but that didn't really matter did it.

He'd listen to me right? He knew it was right…. Right?

His glare intensified. He gripped the steering wheel and the stick in his hands. White knuckles and homicidal eyes. I squeaked when the horn started blaring behind us. Edward was an ice sculpture of rage.

Fuck, he just might actually punch me this time.

The horn kept blaring. He kept staring. I just glared right back. I wouldn't let him fuck this up.

Finally he thawed and gunned the car down the winding road to his driveway. Once we were there he slammed on the breaks and we both slid forward slightly from the force of the stop.

We sat in the car, not talking. His breaths were rough with the obvious rage he was holding back.

Okay big guy… count to one hundred… please don't hurt me…

"You…"

Shit his face was practically purple.

His hands just gripped the steering wheel. I imagined that it would come off the console with the sheer force of his anger.

"You fucking actually have the fucking nerve…" He glared at my big fucking doe-eyed face.

"You…" he laughed humorless, breathless and sharp. "You're actually going to fucking sit there and throw that fucking hypocrisy at me?"

Shit. He had me there.

"Yes." It had no sound behind it, but I still meant it.

I'd let him beat me up—if it meant he didn't go do something really fucking stupid tonight. It was stupid to say, but then I knew Edward would never hurt me like that so it was easy to say.

"Bella," he turned away and stared out of his window for a long moment. His breaths calmed and his hands loosened. I should have felt relieved. But I knew Edward way to fucking well to feel relieved.

"Fuck you," he spat as he got out of the car.

I sat in the deafening silence of his treasured automobile.

We were kindred fucking sisters this car and me. We were both possessions of Edward fucking Masen. Things that he loved and used. He told me he loved me. But was that any more of the emotion than what he felt for this car? I rolled my tear filled eyes. It wasn't fair to push blame off on him. I didn't want him to get hurt. I didn't want him to get sent away.

But mostly I just didn't fucking know what I wanted. And it was never fair to Edward. I felt the sleek leather upholstery on my back. Was I something more than just something he fucking owned… yes. Right? Was he something more than someone I used? I didn't know.

I shut the door gently with a quiet click. And I practically tiptoed to the tree house. He wouldn't be there. He wouldn't go up there at all that night. I knew that he wouldn't go down to La Push either.

Because I was a fucking monster and I made him feel guilty.

That one little yes I'd offered him in the car was proof that I didn't trust him. It said that I knew if he went down there tonight he would do something to fuck up his probation. It told him that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted in my life because I was in more control of myself than Edward was.

Shit. I was sobbing by the time I reached the mattress.

How could one person be such a fucking monster? I ran my cheek against the sheet. Edward made me feel so much pleasure here. He made everything in my world feel better in this place—on this very spot.

And I repaid him by telling him he just wasn't fucking good enough. I buried my face in the sheet and prayed for suffocation. At least my death might free Edward from my power over him.

-**-Bookends-**-

When I woke up I could hear laughing—teenage boy kind of laughing.

"Edward?" I whispered. It was dark outside—very dark. I guessed it was either midnight or just after. I'd had a lot of experience with looking out at the night from this room. I was pretty good with guessing the time from here.

I was alone in the dark and suddenly feeling pretty damn cold.

Poor Edward. I sniffed as the remains of my tears dried on my cheeks.

I rubbed my eyes. There was that laughing again. I recognized Alice's laugh… and Jazz's.

Shit. He didn't. He wouldn't…

I scrambled to the edge of the tree house. I could make out three dark figures getting in to the parked Volvo in the Cullen driveway. Two were easy to identify—little tiny Alice with Jazz's arms slung over her shoulders. The third one I wasn't sure about. It was the right build and the right height to be Edward, but I couldn't see the face. When the car was unlocked and the third one slid into the driver's seat I knew.

No one drove Edward's car but Edward. Just like no one fucking touched me but Edward. I was a fucking ball of homicidal rage in that moment.

To fucking think I had cried for what I did to him. To consider that I had thought I could have that much power over him. My impotence mixed with my fear for him and combined to make social-outburst-Bella evolve into going-to-do-some-real-fucking-damage-Bella.

I flew out of the tree house and ran to my old dirt bike. I hadn't ridden it in years. In fact I had given it to Em because Jake loved to ride his through the woods on clear days. I kicked it on and tore off after the motherfucking silver Volvo.

That fucking prick! How dare he do this! I'll fucking show him.

Rational thinking Bella never hung around to deal with outburst Bella and right now she felt like a distant memory. There was no room for rational fucking thinking in my mind that night.

He was so fucking stupid! It didn't fucking matter if I killed myself when I did stupid shit—I wasn't being watched and I wasn't risking losing everything when I did it.

I gunned the bike faster in to the night and turned off my headlight. La Push wasn't far but I had no idea where I was going. I was sure the town hall was not the destination. I tired to keep up with him enough to not get lost but I didn't want him to see me coming. Edward had a sixth fucking sense about me. I was surprised each time I rounded a corner that he wasn't stopped and waiting for me.

He pulled off the main road two miles into La Push. We were heading out past the old Black place. Billy Black had lived one quiet life back in the woods. He was an okay guy. I was always a little awkward around him when my mom sort of dated him back when I was really little. And he threw a mean cookout, even told great legend stories at all the bonfires. So I couldn't understand what the boys were doing gathering on his land.

What the fuck did they have planned tonight?

I killed the engine as I passed the shed behind Billy's yard. The bike was a lot louder than a car and I could see that the car was parked just at the entrance of the forest.

Fucking teenage boys!

What the fuck was their problem!

I hid the bike at the back of the shed—it looked like it kind of belonged there anyway.

I snuck up to the Volvo. When I got to it I saw that there were four other cars parked in the darkness too. I kicked the back hubcap as I came up the silver traitor.

You could have fucking stopped working. We have to be in this together you know—he'll leave you too.

I rolled my eyes. Now I was chastising inanimate objects.

I was so fucking nuts.

I could hear them before I got to the trees.

Fucking teenage boys! They were howling at the moon. Lunatics!

I saw the huge bonfire when I cleared the yard. They were dancing around it—fucking naked and strung out.

Fucking teenage boys!

Alice was laughing—somewhere. I couldn't see her. I couldn't see Jazz either. So I wasn't fucking surprised that I didn't see Edward.

I watched the gang do their thing. I was rather revolted by the whole experience. It was enough to make me clean up my fucking act. Though truthfully since Edward had started paying me so much intimate attention, I really hadn't bothered getting shitfaced.

They had some sort of pill. I saw two new boys arrive and a small boy was sitting off to the side—fully clothed. He handed them the pill and what looked like beer in a plastic cup. As soon as the boys tossed back the pill and drank the beer they went insane. They stripped off their clothes and joined in around the fire like it was some fucking pyre and they were cave men.

I rolled my eyes again.

Fucking dumbass teenage boys!

I thought about what they were doing—what they were fucking willing to do to themselves. Edward knew what they were doing down here tonight—and he was willing to fucking do this rather than keep his promise to me.

Well fuck him too!

I walked toward the boy that was obviously not consuming the pills. He must have been the supplier…or some kind of designated sane person for the night. Edward had said girls were brought to these things.

Hell, Alice was here somewhere.

I could easily lie and say I was here with my boyfriend. I'd get the same fucking trip he was willing to put himself under and then he would see.

What he fucking did to himself, he fucking did to me.

"Hi," I said to the boy. A little aggressive and probably wearing a pretty lethal looking face to match.

"Hey back," he offered. I think I recognized him as one of the guys who came to Edward's house for poker night a few times. He was nice. A real sweet kid. What the fuck was he doing here?

"You got it?" I was never a patient girl.

"Who are you here with?" That was fucking flattering. I could recognize him just fine but Edward's fucking girlfriend of four years was not that easy to pick out in a line up. Though, in all honesty Edward had never introduced me to the boys.

"I'm Bella," I said for some stupid reason I was reaching out my hand to shake his. Dummy.

His eyes kind of got wide for a moment. Like he knew my fucking name better than my face. It kind of pissed me off.

What the fuck did Edward tell these assholes about me?

"Oh," he said. He nodded briskly. "Didn't think Edward would ever get here tonight." He laughed then. I grimaced and laughed just to play along.

Just give me the fucking pill, Junior.

He leaned back and got the pill and the cup. "Now, make sure you're around Eddie when you take this."

Eddie? My stomach turned at the sound. Edward's name was too good for a nickname. It made him sound cheap to have it shortened like that.

"Why?" I said eyeing the drug. I had smoked pot and I had even considered trying some crack—though Edward really wanted to punch me that night. But I hadn't heard of a buddy system pill.

"It's just better if you feel safe when you drop it. It has some fucking punch to it."

I nodded like I knew what the fuck he was talking about. I would have loved to have Edward near me but the asshole was presently only thinking of himself. I did wondered where he was though.

Maybe he already did his and was off enjoying the hit with Jazz and Alice. It pissed me off anew to think he trusted them more than me to do this drug with. I watched the boys swaying by the fire.

Fuck him. I felt safe enough here. I didn't think anyone would hurt me.

I swallowed the pill and downed the beer.

I watched the flames.

Fuck that shit worked fast.

Already I could feel my heart speeding up. The flames were kind of jumping out toward me. I jumped back when I saw it. They wanted to lick my skin—they wanted to burn the monster out of me.

Fuck. My heart was a fucking jackhammer in my chest. Where the fuck was Edward?

I tore off my clothes. I was so fucking hot, practically suffocating from the constriction of my clothes. And the flames had less of a chance of jumping on to me without my clothes.

My skin was starting to feel too tight too. I could feel the monster inside of me.

Maybe I should just let the fucking flames eat it.

Where the fuck was Edward?

One of the boys by the fire turned around and noticed me.

What the fuck was his problem? And what the fuck was that screaming sound. It sounded like an animal was being slaughtered.

Where the fuck was Edward?

My heart was running so hard and fast in my chest that I was sure it would just stop soon.

Now all the boys were turned away from the fire and staring at me.

What the fuck? Had they never seen a naked girl before? The flames shot out again.

Fuck. Edward.

That sound was getting louder—more frantic. All at once I was staring up at the stars—everything was moving fast.

Hot. Scary. Really fucking scary.

That's when I realized that the noise was tearing from my chest. I was practically foaming from the mouth. Alice's face was above me but I couldn't fucking care to find that comforting.

Everything was going black.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (midnight in his bedroom)

I paced back and forth in the abnormally large room.

Who the fuck was she! She was Isabella Motherfucking Swan, that's who—fucking hypocrite extraordinaire!

She was fucking princess Bella on her high and mighty fucking throne of judgment.

She was some fucking monster who wanted to fucking control me.

And she was fucking right.

I sighed and sat on the floor under my bedroom window.

Fucking Bella and her always being fucking right.

I just didn't want her to be right because I had hopped I had become something fucking more—at least in her eyes. I had hoped that Bella fucking believed in me. That Bella wouldn't fucking stop trusting me. Shit, that Bella fucking started trusting me to begin with.

But she fucking proved it today. Showed that it didn't matter how much I gave her, how much I pleased her—she would always see me the way every other motherfucker sees me.

Edward Masen the world-class fuck up.

I sighed and pulled out the last cigarette I had stashed in my jacket pocket.

It was going to be one long fucking night.

I had only planned on going down there to say goodbye to the guys. It was the last retreat I had planned with them. The rule was you were out at eighteen—and I was going to be turning that after this last stunt.

I didn't want to do whatever fucking ridiculous thing Paul was cooking up tonight. I was sure it involved drugs. I dropped out of that shit two years ago. Bitch spiked my drink with some shit back then and the trip was so fucking hard that I couldn't see Bella for two days since I was afraid of fucking hurting her.

So now I just hung out and fucking talked with the guys. They were pretty fucking sick of it. Seth Clearwater was usually the designated sober one. His mom, Sue, was a fucking narc when it came to finding out what we were doing. So Seth didn't really have a choice but to stay clean on the nights when drugs or alcohol were involved. And by default he usually got to sit and fucking listen to me talk.

Seth didn't mind so much—he thought my stories were fucking hilarious. They were fucking all about Bella. Seth had a kind of fucking crush on her. He'd never admit it around me because he liked not have a fucking broken nose. But I could tell. She worked her magic on him without even meeting him in person.

I sighed again. I had kind of hoped to take Bella down there tonight to meet Seth. It would be my last opportunity. The Res' boys never really liked coming down to Forks. Seth had done poker night a time or two but I couldn't remember Bella ever really meeting him.

I was looking forward to his fucking aneurism when he tried not to stare at Bella's tits. I'd kick his fucking ass when he did it—but I knew he'd try hard not do it first.

That thought disgusted me. Bella wasn't some fucking toy to take out in front of the guys to show off.

Shit, she had every fucking right to think less of me.

There was a knock on my door. Jazz. It was time for them to go. He was taking Mike Motherfucking Newton along on the trip. Mike Fucking Newton of all people. I kind of smirked at the thought of Newton flipping out over whatever drug Paul slipped him—fucking priceless.

Would've been fucking sweet to see.

I sighed again.

"Hey bro," Jazz leaned in. "We're leaving. You sure about this?" Jazz raised his eyebrows. I just fucking nodded.

Fucking whipped.

But then I let that anger that I had resented in Bella's eyes fill my own. "You better fucking mean what you said about just enjoying the night," I threatened. Me fucking my chances up was one thing. Jazz fucking it up was a whole other thing. I couldn't protect him from that.

"I'm taking the jailbait along as watchdog," he promised. I rolled my eyes. Alice wasn't much better than any of us these days.

She kind of fucking reminded me of Bella, circa age fourteen.

I shook my head at the thought.

Luckily Bella was sleeping in the tree house right now. She was pretty fucking predictable.

I was just glad that she would be out and not watching them drive way. She'd probably throw the guilt trip on fucking Jazz too. Probably even find a way to make Newton feel fucking guilty for putting himself in danger.

Fuck.

I heard my car pull out.

Fucking Newton was driving. I could fucking tell. My baby seemed to whine all the way down the street that she hated being touched by that prick. I heard her. I fucking heard her. But I also heard her Bella's voice in my head—yes.

Fuck.

I was pretty damn surprised when I heard the dirt bike start up. It was Bella's. I would fucking recognize that motor anywhere. I leaned out the window in time to see her tear out onto the road.

What the fuck was she doing?

I ran down to the kitchen and got Jake's keys. I would borrow the truck just for tonight. He was over with Em while Esme pulled the night shift at the station. I just fucking needed to get Bella and figure out what the fuck she was doing.

Fuck the girl was hard to tail.

She flew down the winding forest road to La Push. She rode with her headlight off.

Why the fuck would she turn that off? It was fucking midnight on a winding forest road. I had to drive slower than I liked because I was fucking terrified of hitting her.

I rolled my eyes when I reached Billy's place. He had offered the spot to us last summer but we didn't really have use for it until tonight.

Paul and his fucking fire dances.

I found Bella's bike hidden by the shed and it was pretty fucking easy to find my car. I walked up to it slowly. I felt like a goddamn pimp who had let it get sold for the night. I actually petted the hood. I noticed a tiny dent in the back hubcap.

What the fuck?

Then I heard it—the motherfucking scream. The worst motherfucking sound I had ever fucking heard in my life.

Fuck.

What the fuck was going on?

I didn't think I just flipped out my phone and dialed 9-1-1. I would fucking deal with the consequences later. I recognized the voice on the other end of that scream. It was hoarse and it sounded like a savage fucking dog that was being beaten but it was Bella.

I followed the sound of Alice screaming her name.

Fuck.

And as the operator answered I saw her.

FUCKING CHRIST!

She was writhing on the ground. Fucking naked and struggling against Alice and Jazz as they tried to restrain her. Her eyes were wild and her head was whipping from side to side.

Everything in my fucking world stopped.

I stopped fucking caring about anything.

I stopped thinking.

I stopped moving.

What the fuck was happening to her?

Then I saw her head fall back and her eyes close.

Everything fucking started up again—fast as a fucking bullet.

I was throwing Jazz and Alice off while I was relaying to the operator what was going on.

"BELLA!" I screamed.

"BELLA!" I followed the instructions. I felt for a pulse.

FUCKING CHRIST! There wasn't one.

My fucking heart stopped when I realized hers had too.

"CPR!" I screamed.

I had no fucking clue how to do it.

Jazz was on top of her then. He had taken classes when he volunteered as a basketball coach last summer.

Thank fucking God that my brother was a do-gooder and learned that shit.

He pushed on her heart while he instructed Alice when to breathe.

Good fucking thing that Alice was doing that, because I had no breath to spare. I could barely fucking breath at all.

"BELLA! BELLA! BELLA!" I was bellowing her name.

No fucking response.

What the fuck was going on?

Why the fuck wasn't she waking up?

My mind was fucking coming out of my skull. Everything was black and fucking red.

"BELLA!"

Sobs were tearing from my chest.

Tears were flowing down my cheeks.

Each time Jazz pushed down on her chest I felt like I was being socked in my gut.

FUCK!

"BELLA!"

She shot up suddenly. I took a deep fucking breath when she did. She coughed and she gasped. And my fucking world started settling back down a little.

"Edward?" she croaked.

Fuck. I launched myself at her.

Kissing her face. Looking in to her eyes. I had never been so fucking scared in my life. I couldn't begin to fucking imagine this world without Bella.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry…" she rasped and I shushed her. The ambulance was on the way. She was going to get the best damn fucking care Forks, and the entire fucking West Coast had to offer. My uncle would see to that.

FUCK.

My uncle.

My soon-to-be-adopted-father.

FUCK. There was no way Bella going in to the hospital tonight would not end my probation.

FUCK. Jazz was here and by extension would be up for review too.

FUCK. There was no chance in hell that we were getting around this. I was the one who had called and Bella had to fucking go to the hospital.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

I looked over at Jazz. I threw Jake's keys at him.

It just fucking had to be my fault.

"Take that back roads and don't be seen. You were never here."

Jazz looked at me meaningfully and a little fucking angry.

"You were never fucking here!" I screamed. He wasn't going to fucking go down with this. It was all my fault. He would stay here and become a fucking Cullen.

Alice pulled him back through the trees. Her adoption status was no less revocable for such fucking criminal acts.

Bella was fucking gasping and jerking in my arms. She just buried her face in my chest and shook like a terrified dog. I tried to sooth her. The gang cleared out. When Esme and the ambulance got here they would just find me and Bella.

I fucking rocked her in my arms.

I'd keep her safe. I had fucking let this happen to her. Fucking pushed her to feeling she needed to prove something. If I had just fucking joined her in the tree house earlier tonight she never would have fucking come here.

Fuck.

If I had just taken her to Renee at the wedding all those fucking years ago she would never have fucking become the girl she was today. She might have even pushed me the fuck away and ended up with someone good and clean. She could have fucking kept on being semi angry Bella instead of fucked in the head Bella.

The red and blue lights stung my eyes minutes later.

Fuck.

I tightened my arms around my Bella. Knowing it would probably be the last fucking time I got to do it in a really long time.