Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
Chapter 13: Now I only kiss your shadow
-**-Bookends-**-
EsmePOV (Forks police station midnight)
I was on edge all night. You just knew when something was going to happen when you did a job like this for as many years as I had.
Heck, you just knew when you were a mom.
Something was going to happen tonight.
I sighed. I really didn't like the graveyard shift at the station. It kept me away from my kids just a little too much.
My kids.
Nightshifts at the station left me alone with my thoughts. Which always led to me facing my doubts of how well I lived my life away from work. How little I'd been able to just talk to my kids.
It was amazing to watch them grow up. They were so completely different in so many ways. Em had been born self sufficient while his sister was born in need of constant support.
He didn't have any problem when Charlie moved out. It was just one less headache to him. But Bella… she seemed to get worse everyday.
I don't know when I lost contact with that girl. We used to share everything. She'd be baking cupcakes when I'd get home from work and she'd ask me about my day.
But then… he came to town.
No. That wasn't fair. I'd had my doubts about Edward. And I had kept him under surveillance for a long time when he moved in with Carlisle. But I couldn't deny that Bella was whole different person around him.
And she never even knew it.
She was more moody and she could throw an attitude-induce fit faster than a cat at a hot tub convention. But she was also happy. Just hearing someone say his name made her eyes light up like Christmas. And when he came over for dinner she was calm and easy going.
The boy who punched his fists through walls and lit garbage cans on fire when he was a kid was the total opposite when he was around my daughter too. Edward was such a gentleman. He was attentive and patient with her. He was exactly the kind of boy I would want for her.
I released a slow breath and tried to focus on the paper work in front of me. My mind was still lost in Edward-and-Bella-ville.
They had had their fair share of fights. Sometimes hearing them go at in the backyard was like stepping back in time to hear Carlisle and Mary go at it under that same tree.
There was a blast from the past—the fantastic four. The passionate Cullen pairing and the somber reserved Swans.
Charlie and I never went at it. He just buried himself at the office and one day was surprised that it was a petition for divorce that he signed instead of a contract.
I rolled my eyes at that. I was too stubborn for marriage…or maybe just too independent to be married to Charlie.
Maybe that was Bella's problem. She had far too much of me in her. That stubborn fire that made you mad enough to hit something. I got along with very few people growing up myself.
But with Edward she was a different person.
The phone rang.
Gail would be upset that I answered it while she was in the bathroom.
On one level she thought it was something I shouldn't have to worry about doing. She pushed me up on to some pedestal for being the chief that I didn't really appreciate. I was just a person. Just a civic servant like everyone else who wore this uniform.
But the reason I was always nervous about answering it was because she was territorial of her desk.
I was willing to face her wrath in that moment…I was ready for whatever terrible thing was going to happen tonight to finally just happen already.
"Forks Police Station?"
Okay, I'll admit that Gail had more of a flare for answering the phone than I did.
"Esme?"
Carlisle Cullen, as I live and breath.
I shook my head and started fanning myself with Gail's kitty post-it pad. The man did something to me that I couldn't deny.
"Hello," I tried to say without sounding like a mouth-breathing psychopath on the phone.
Damn, I'm sure he could hear it in my voice. Did I just hear him clear his throat and chuckle softly?
"Good news, the boys are on board—just one month of probation."
That was wonderful news! Not quite as wonderful as the sound of his voice…
"Great! I'm very happy for all of you, Carlisle. Those boys deserve a good home—and you deserve this too…"
God! Could I sound anymore moronic?
"Yeah." There was that chuckle again. "Umm… I'm supposed to notify local law enforcement to keep an eye out for the boys… and me. If in the next four weeks the boys' living conditions are found to be substandard, or the boys are caught breaking any major rules… well you know…"
I nodded. I didn't believe that would be a problem. The boys were good natured guys under their protectively rough exteriors. And they loved and respected their uncle very much. There was no way I could see them hurting this opportunity.
I switched over into Chief Swan voice.
"Will do, Dr. Cullen."
He chuckled out loud that time. Damn. What the man didn't do to me.
"Thanks."
The phone was kind of quiet for a moment after that.
Did he want to stay on the phone with me as bad as I did with him?
My relationship with Carlisle Cullen went back to my high school days—back when Charlie, Mary, Carlisle, and I were in school together. I had a crush on the blonde bad boy for pretty much all of my life. He had those dreamy eyes and adorable cheeks all of his. But I never had the courage to even speak to him until my best friend Mary Alice Brandon starting dating him.
I'd settled into dating Charlie by then out of convenience. He was a natural choice for me since he was hardly a threat to my safe little world. Charlie was an easy man to control—so long you didn't mind having to be the one in control, all you had to do was lead him around. There was no thought, no desire and no spirit behind him. Just habit and consistency. The same thing everyday. The same lack of emotions every minute. And in high school that had worked for me. I was the ambitious girl who wanted to follow in her father's footsteps. I knew where my future was and Charlie was pretty willing to just follow along. Safe and secure. Nothing too dangerous or too stupid.
Mary was the stupid one. She was the one willing to get drunk and go smoking down by the cliff at the Res on Friday nights. And she would often bring along the drop dead gorgeous Carlisle Cullen to do these stupid things with.
Don't get me wrong, the man he was today with his morals and sensibility was a wonderful thing to behold. But the rebel that he was back then was enough to make a girl weak in the knees.
He was that Mr. Darcy meets Crybaby kind of juvenile delinquent. It was completely understandable behavior. Carlisle was the guy who had to grow up way too fast and had a lot of angst over it. He raised his baby sister and fought off an abusive father.
And he did it all with a cigarette in his lips and a leather jacket on his shoulders.
I sighed, my fanning growing faster in tempo.
What I wouldn't give to go back in time and make different choices.
It was a silly little girl notion to say the very least—wanting to change our past. I knew better than to dream about trading places with my old friend. Carlisle and Mary's marriage had been volatile and doomed from the start.
They were too much alike in so many ways. Both filled with intense hatred and rage from their screwed up pasts. Both lashing out by doing reckless things. Underneath all of that though, you could tell that he loved her—he would have done anything for her. Mary always took his devotion for granted. She had a temper. A fierce stubbornness that I'm kind of reminded of her whenever Bella throws attitude in my direction. I always thought Carlisle could handle it.
Carlisle was a man of honor when it came to my childhood friend…and that's why she used him the way that she did…
"Esme?"
I shook my head. I had been so lost in thought that I'd forgotten the blond God on the phone with me. I looked up to see Gail's glare over the front desk.
I opened my mouth to fabricate a defense just as the phones suddenly started blaring off the hook.
"You got a problem with rules, Chief Swan?" Gail probed. I wondered idly if she had ever been a librarian. She would have made a wonderful librarian.
The red phone in the corner rang.
Emergency.
Shit. There goes my nice, quiet night.
I could hear mass chaos on Carlisle's end of the phone too.
"Carlisle, hold on. 9-1-1 call coming through," I warned him as Gail picked up the emergency line.
"Go!" screamed Gail. "I've got Edward on the phone. He's down at the Black place in Push—Bella…"
I didn't hear anything else. I dropped the phone and forgot all about Carlisle. I was in the cruiser speeding down the dark road with my lights flashing.
The ambulance tore on to the highway behind me when we hit the city limits. Somehow I was sure Carlisle was in it. He would have heard that Edward was there too.
My mind was desperately wanting to shift into Chief Swan mode but momma mode was too dominant. What the hell was going on down there?
Gail was relaying info over the CB. She had to dispatch him directly to the ER.
SHIT! What the hell are the kids up to?
All I could see in my mind was an image Edward and Bella hurt and bleeding on the side of the road. Had she talked him into riding that pathetic excuse of a motorcycle again? The child had some sick love for that miserable contraption. I had only kept it because Carlisle had built it for me when were just out of high school.
Would she have been stupid enough to talk him into riding it on these back roads in the middle of the night? If she had he would have done it. There wasn't anything Edward wouldn't do for Bella.
I tore through the drive at Billy's place. He was on the porch in his wheelchair. He had his phone to his ear—he must have been one of the other calls that came into the station right before Edward's.
There were lots of fresh tracks in the mud but only one car parked there when I hit the field—a silver Volvo.
SHIT!
I slammed on the brakes when I was neck and neck with the car. I made a quick scan—no kids. I could see the fire behind the trees.
SHIT!
My heart was racing but then so were my legs. I was glad I had kept up the old Jane Fonda routine the last ten years—I was finally putting my legs to use.
I could hear her crying. My baby was crying…
I rounded the raging bonfire.
Where was the damn party that was obviously supposed to be going on?
Kids had snuck off to the Reservation for years to hold bonfires and get-togethers. I never much cared what they did down here. Unless they broke the law. It had to be pretty bad if Billy was willing to call Forks P.D. down here in the middle of the night…
I froze when I found them.
Bella was shaking and huddled against Edward. She was completely naked and her body was covered in bruises and mud. Gut wrenching sobs were tearing from her throat… but that's not what made me freeze.
It was Edward.
I had thought he was a good influence on her—she was such a more happy and focused person when he was around. She seemed to feel a purpose in life when she had Edward to look after. I thought I knew the boy pretty well.
I'd believed I could trust him around my child.
I was wrong.
I might have known Edward, but I didn't have a clue who this boy holding my daughter's broken form was.
His eyes were black in the darkness. His skin was paler than ice. And the intensity of the look on his face made me what to jump back for a moment. He was monster. He was vicious. There was no doubt in my mind that this boy had done this to my child.
"Edward!" Carlisle screamed as he stopped right behind me. Bella jumped at the sound.
Had she not heard me come up?
Edward's eyes narrowed in to slits of even greater rage. Like a caged dog that was waiting for the moment he could be released to fight his owner.
"Edward," Carlisle whispered.
"LET HER GO!" I yelled.
Edward dropped Bella like she was hotter than the flames of the almost out of control fire behind us. She hit the ground with a sudden thud. And the look on her face told me she didn't expect him to treat her like that.
She gasped. And he stood and backed away. He never took his eyes off of me.
Bella was laying there still shaking and naked. I threw my jacket around her shoulders while Carlisle examined her.
Nothing broken.
I glared up at the boy shrouded in darkness. His fists were balled and his eyes were just as vicious.
She was responsive but it was obvious that she had been under the influence of something. She moved her eyes around like she was nervous something or someone—I looked at the boy once more—would hurt her. The planes of his face were hard as flints with the full moon shining down on him.
"Are you okay?" I whispered to my daughter. She was terrified and there was very little I could do to help her. I knew the only person she would trust to help her was the only person I was going to endeavor to never allow around her ever again.
"Yeah… yeah…" She murmured in a choppy voice. She nodded weakly with each word.
Carlisle and the EMTs were strapping her to the gurney and preparing her for the trip back to the med center in Forks. It took all my energy not to insist I take her in the cruiser and just have them meet me there.
She looked so scared. I doubted she had a firm grasp on where she was and what was happening. She pulled slightly at the straps and my heart clenched.
What the hell happened to you, baby?
I shot my eyes, full of questions, to the boy.
Carlisle caught my attention and gave me a stern look—innocent until proven guilty Chief Swan. He said with his eyes. I nodded. He threw a gut wrenchingly terrified glance to the creature in the shadow. He believed the boy to be innocent, and he was afraid to leave him alone with me. I could sympathize with what it must have felt like for him to leave his almost son behind to face the judgment. Carlisle was taking my precious child away without her mother beside her.
But Bella was the victim here.
Once I heard the ambulance pull out of the yard, Chief Swan moved back in to my mind. I glared at the boy in the darkness.
Hank, my deputy, had followed the ambulance down and he went about surveying the scene. Edward and I just sat and stared at each other.
"What happened here tonight, Edward?" I tried to be nice. I tried to be objective—but this was not just some random boy and that was my baby girl.
"It was my fault," he announced as if he was just waiting for the right time to tell us. He didn't relax any part of his body. He stood there ready to fight—some distant part of my motherly mind tried to remember that the boy had survived many, many fights in his life. He was only on edge because of his past. There could be a reasonable explanation. I just needed to find out more.
Keep the emotion out of it, Esme. You need facts for conviction.
"What do you mean?" I prompted.
Help me out here kid—if you want to look innocent you have to tell me more.
"It was all me. My fault. No one else."
Well that was hardly a defense for him. Some part of my mind was satisfied to take him down and process him—make him pay for the hellish state that my daughter was in right now.
But there had to be more to it.
"You wanna tell me about the fire…and the other cars?"
He shook his head.
"My fault," he repeated.
"Chief?" I turned to see Hank handing me an evidence bag. There was a little blue bottle in it.
Shit. The missing DMT from the drug bust last month. How the hell did this kid get this?
It wasn't too common that hardcore drugs found their way to Forks. We were a tiny little town of logging families and restaurant owners. The occasional pot bust was inevitable around here, but this shit was being brought in from across the border. Some pharmaceutical robbery that ended when the idiots got pulled over for out of date tags on their car.
Out of all the scenarios that I had been churning in my brain since I found them tonight, this drug being here was the last thing I expected.
And then it made perfect sense. Bella had taken this. She was tripped out on it.
So much for no emotion—time to rip this boy a new one for putting my baby in danger like this.
I looked up at Edward with my own lethal glare.
"Did you give Bella any of this?"
Don't screw around with me junior—I can bury you so hard and so fast that Tanya and Edward Masen will look like kittens.
"Yes."
"Hank?" My fury was reined in only by the badge on my chest. The mother in me wanted to tear Edward's head off. "Take him in. He's going to be tried as an adult. And he's going to rot in prison for the rest of his life."
I turned on my heel as Hank started reading Edward his Mirandas.
My heart and my stomach were clenching by the time I got to my squad car. I threw up next to the hood. I wiped the sick from my lips and called in a tow service for the Volvo. It would be impounded until we could search it. I also called in a second unit—technically I should be finishing the crime scene investigation but I needed to be at the hospital right now.
Momma Swan was back in full swing. I turned toward the shed when Hank brought Edward out to the other cruiser. The boy was just as intensely dark as he had been in the shadows of the woods.
Something caught my eye—a small motorcycle. It looked very familiar.
It turned my stomach again as I heard the police car pull away. I had let my daughter spend all of her time with that boy. I had let my baby lose her innocence with that boy. I had trusted that he would never hurt her.
I threw up again once the car was gone.
What had I done?
Failed my child in every since of the word parent.
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (hospital, 11 am the next day)
There was a god awful beeping noise to my right.
Was it an alarm? Since when did Edward have an alarm in the tree house?
I wanted to roll over and tell him to shut it off but when I moved pain shot through me with so much intensity that I screamed.
"It's okay sweetie." My mom's voice was soothing—but not the voice I wanted to hear.
"Edward," I croaked. God my voice sounded like I had been screaming all night in my sleep.
Someone growled when I said his name. Where was he? I felt finger tips against my forehead. My eyelids were too heavy for me to lift.
It wasn't Edward touching me. Why not?
"Edward?" I tried again. He had to be here somewhere.
"Give it up Bells," Em? "Dude's going to fucking prison."
"Emmett!" my mother chided.
Prison? Edward? What the fuck?
My eyes shot open as the questions ran through my head. I could feel some heaviness in my mind that was keeping me from really understanding what was going on. I couldn't remember much of anything as I looked around the room.
I could tell that I was in the hospital. Mom was sitting next to me and Em was at the foot of my bed. I was having one of those Wizard of Oz moments… about to tell them that they had all been there in my dream.
But I realized who was missing—my scarecrow. Where was Edward?
"Where is he?" I really should have been concerned with why the fuck I was in here. What the fuck was wrong with me. But that didn't really fucking matter to me. Edward was more important.
"He's at Carlisle's house." Mom explained. "He's awaiting his hearing."
At that it all came flooding back. The fight. The bike. The dark winding road. The fucking idiot teenage boys. The bonfire. The pill… fuck the pill. And then the fear. The panic. The fucking terror.
Edward screaming. Edward crying. Edward holding me and keeping me safe.
FUCK!
Edward. He had nothing to do with this. But they would think he did. Fuck. Edward's probation would be up. A hearing… what the fuck was he on trial for? I took the fucking pill. He wasn't even there!
"NO!" I bellowed. It was no use to try to explain it right now.
I struggled against the numerous tubes that were embedded in my flesh and my mom and my brother exchanged weary glances that told me that my sanity was being questioned.
It would do no one any good for me to defend it right now—I was hopped up on some sort of medication, I could tell. But soon I would defend him until my voice ran out and my throat was so raw that it bled when I spoke.
He was fucking innocent!
-**-Bookends-**-
Mom was weary about letting me come home. Carlisle assured her that I was fine. Some bruising but nothing internal. They had pumped my stomach for good measure—luckily I was not coherent during that. I was sore and I was in pain with every breath that I took but I wanted to go home.
Home was that much closer to Edward.
I sat in the hospital gown on my bed in my bedroom. Mom had insisted that she could bring me clothes to change into before I left the hospital but I wanted to wear this.
I wanted to get used to what being a fucking mental patient would be like. Because I was going to fucking lose it when they made him leave town.
Dr. Cullen was working on mom even in the hospital. He hadn't been able to go home and talk to Edward—he had been too busy making sure I was alright. But he was sure that whatever happened didn't require such capital punishment as my mother was willing to unleash on my boyfriend.
I hadn't found the right time to discuss his innocence quite yet. I had pulled Dr. Cullen aside when he came in to check me out. I warned him that I was the guilty one in all of this. Edward would tell him—it was all me.
His face had been pretty sad when I told him—maybe he had talked to Edward. What had Edward said?
I watched the silent Cullen house like a widow watching a gravestone.
Edward.
Em was watching tv downstairs and mom had to go in to the station to take care of paper work over the whole fucking mess. Ironically, Em said Jazz and Alice were put on Edward guard duty. Fuck they were the ones at the party last night… they were the ones who let him go along and push me over the edge into fucking stupidity.
I saw something move in the tree house. Edward's sneaker was hanging out of the Swan opening for a second and then it was gone. Then his foot popped out of the Cullen side for a second and was gone. A bag dropped from the tree a minute later.
Fuck.
He was getting ready to leave.
I bit my lip. I was going to fucking die if I didn't go see him. But then my brother would fucking kill me before I got out of the house. Juvenile delinquent that I was—I opted for climbing out of my window.
It was more fucking stupid than taking that pill. I missed judged the bushes—of fucking course and I landed on the grass with an inglorious thud. Such a fucking klutz.
I jumped to my feet and made sure Em was none the wiser. I had locked my door, so he probably wouldn't be checking on me anyway.
I must have looked like a fucking lunatic as I made my way to the tree house. I was wearing nothing but my panties and a hospital gown. And I had a big fucking goofy grin on my face.
Edward.
I climbed the tree two steps at a time—Jacob's ladder. Heaven was waiting for me at the top.
"Edward?" I was breathless and giddy as I reached the entrance.
He was just heading down the Cullen side—his face was frozen and his eyes were confused when he saw me.
It was comical in some other time and space to think about. Edward and I perched on opposing ladders—just our heads watching each other with the space of the tree house—our sanctuary—between us.
"Bella…" He breathed.
His face melted into six shades of relief and shame… worry and excitement.
He scrambled back in to the tree house—rushing over to help me in. I didn't know how much time we had. I knew he wouldn't be here after today. But I had to see him. Smell him. Hold him. Love him. One last time.
"What are you fucking doing here?" He didn't seem at all confused by my outfit. He just stared deep into my eyes.
"I had to see you." I ran my hand along his cheek. He leaned into my touch—almost unthinkingly. His eyes were still intent on mine.
"You have to get back. I just came to get some things… before…" he looked down then. Sadness was not a deep enough word for the emotion in his eyes. "Before I fucking go."
The words were a knife in the air above our heads.
But I just kept running my hand along his cheek.
"You'll be back," I promised.
He laughed—hard and dark. "Someday." He whispered. He was thinking—not happy thoughts.
"What did you tell them happened? What did happen? Where were you guys when I was tripping?"
His eyes snapped back to mine. He was suddenly very angry. With me.
"I," he stressed the word for my benefit. "Was in my fucking room like I fucking promised you I would be."
HOLY FUCKING HELL!
My eyes were wide with terror. My breath was growing deep. What the fuck had I done! "I only was there because I heard the bike when you followed Jazz and Alice and Newton down to Push."
FUCKING CHRIST ABOVE!
No words—just fear.
"I never would have fucking let you do that shit!" He was scolding me now. I deserved so much worse. I deserved to really be put in a mental institution. I was so fucking crazy for doing this to him.
"I'm sorry," I breathed. The tears were flowing down my cheeks and everything in me was used up. He was being sent away. Everything he ever wanted in life was being taken away. And it was all my fucking fault.
"Don't be fucking ridiculous." He whispered. I met his eyes and they were angry but soft.
His hands cupped my face. "It was all my fucking fault. I pushed you. I should have fucking been up here with you so you knew where you stood."
My head twitched at his words. Some switch went off in the back of my mind. Where I fucking stood. What I really fucking meant to him.
I was more than just a possession of his. I was more. I don't know why it made a difference—why those words were more important than every goddamn time he told me he loved me. But they did.
I knew there was nothing I could do to save him from his dark fate now. But there was certainly something I could fucking do for him before he left.
I leaned up and kissed him. Long and wet and fucking passionately.
His response was immediate. He groaned. My heart was jumping and I was instantly fucking wet for him.
"Bella," he breathed against my lips.
I looked deep into his chocolate eyes—I was fucking his. Body. Soul. Heart. Mind. Man. Woman.
I fucking loved him.
I could feel it pulsing in the air—that drive that was leading me. I would fucking show him. I fucking loved him. I would fucking be here for him. Because I was his. Fucking his. All of me.
I trapped him with my eyes.
I reached up and brushed his hair back from his face. Tender. Love. Sex. You. Me. Now. Forever.
"I love you."
He froze. That's fucking right mister. I fucking mean it.
The emotion in his eyes just made everything fall into place. This was right. This was now. My body was opening up—it was all for him. Let all of those motherfuckers challenge us when we came out of this place. They would never be able to take away the fact that Edward would enter me and I would hold him safe.
He leaned in and touched my lips with his in fucking sweet tenderness. I whimpered—he fucking loved me too.
I ran my hand—not shaking in innocence but sure in determination—to the zipper of his fly. He would think I was only returning the favor. I wasn't. I was going to fucking love him in every way that I could.
He would leave this place with me wrapped around him like a fucking shield against all the hell in our worlds. I could do that for him.
Because I would be taking him into me in return.
-**-Bookends-**-
EPOV
She touched me innocently at first. It felt so fucking good. Better than every fucking time I touched her. Bella fucking loved me, and she was fucking willing to touch me. And I fucking wanted her to. Some part of my mind was screaming this was wrong—I didn't fucking deserve this. I had fucked everything up so much.
I kissed her as she ran her fingertips shyly down my shaft. It was one of those slow and deep kisses. Fuck she tasted so good.
I kind of let out a fucking not so manly breathless whimper- She smiled against my lips. She was going to be agonizingly fucking slow about this shit. Fuck. As much as my fucking hormones screamed for her to just fucking grip me and do it already, my soul wanted her to torture me as long as she fucking wanted to. I was fucking hers- Fucking all of me.
Bella put her other hand on my shoulder and forced me on to my back. I was past the point of fucking understanding or fucking questioning anything. Her tongue was hot and wet in my mouth and her hand was innocent and warm around my erection. I was in my fucking happy place.
I didn't have the strength to move my arms. My hands wanted real fucking badly to touch her—grab her tits, fucking plow my fingers in her hair and hold on tight. My flesh was fucking begging me to touch her. But I was kind of fucking at her mercy. It only seemed fucking fair—I never let her join in when I did this to her. I'd let her dominate me all she fucking wanted—at least that was what I was telling my throbbing body we should do.
I was so fucking focused on our lips that I didn't even register what her other hand was doing until I felt her pressing against me.
FUCK!
My eyes shot open. I fucking found the strength to lift my arms as my entire being tensed. I seized her hips in my fucking desperate hands. Bella had lifted her gown and removed her panties. Fuck! She was sitting above my raging hard on with nothing on but a fucking smile. And I really fucking wanted to push her off. I wasn't fucking ready for this. I was barely fucking okay with letting Bella touch me. And for a heartbeat I was really fucking convicted to the fact that she would have to back off and I could fucking leave this place without taking this shit too far.
But I fucking looked.
I was a fucking seventeen year old hormonal psychopath—of course I fucking looked. And naked fucking Bella made me go motherfucking insane. I collapsed back and fucking groaned—like a fucking prisoner being whipped in torture. I was so much more than totally fucked right now. I was staring down time in juvenile hall. I was fucking almost looking at doing real jail time if Esme's promise was true. And FUCK, if anyone found out I was about to fucking fuck the underage girl that I told them I nearly fucking killed I would be sent to fucking PRISON. The rape my pretty ass until I break fucking prison.
But goddamn it… she looked fucking sweet above me. And my fucking mind was swimming in heather and rain and fucking Bella. Bella fucking loved me. I fucking loved her. I was going to fucking die if she didn't take me inside of her right now- Let me fucking drown in her completely. This was more than fucking need… this was fucking life and fucking truth. I belonged with Bella fucking Swan and she belonged with me. No one else was fucking meant to touch either of us this way. No one else ever fucking would.
My hands stayed grip on her fucking hips. The connection of our flesh was like a fucking electric shock—like I was being brought back to life after fucking heart failure. She put her tiny hands over mine and braced herself on her knees.
This was really fucking stupid. This was really fucking stupid. This was REALLY FUCKING STUPID!
We didn't have any condoms. This was not what I fucking wanted Bella's first time to be. What if I fucking got her pregnant? What if I fucking hurt her in some other fucking way? We were both fucking virgins and it didn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out that I was fucking clueless in how to do this—how to make it something for her. I was pretty fucking positive that it was going to be fucking awesome for me no matter what. But there was going to be fucking pain for her—that much I fucking knew.
My eyes had to be fucking frantic in their plea as I shot them up to her. Bella please fucking help me through this! What the fuck could she do? She was just as fucking clueless as I was. But of FUCKING course when my eyes met hers all those rational fucking thoughts left my head.
Bella was smiling down at me—all fucking knowing and shit. And her eyes were dancing between fucking tender and loving to fucking nymphomaniac on fucking steroids. She fucking wanted this just as fucking much as I did. We fucking belonged together. This was fucking stupid, but it was also fucking perfect.
She braced her hands to my shoulders—bringing her fucking face inches from mine. Her breath was fucking hot on my face. Our eyes met again- that little moment of shared fucking panic. What the fuck were we about to do?
Then I released my fucking crooked smile on her and moved my hands on her hips. Some fucking autopilot took over and I held her gaze with my own fucking all knowing look.
My hands spread her, guided her and pressed her down slowly on top of me. Fuck! I really wanted to do it faster. My heart was banging on my ribcage like a mountain lion was fucking chasing me. I was covered in sweat and my eyes kept kind of rolling back in my head.
I don't know how I fucking found the strength—maybe it was summoned up from that prick that had forced me to sit on the sidelines while I stroked her between her legs every fucking day for the last two months. But I knew I had to fucking restrain myself right now. I had to fucking make this something for her too.
I hissed and closed my eyes against the fucking intense sensation that shot through me when I lowered her down on to me. Fuck. Was there anything as fucking perfect as Bella? Wet, and hot and fucking all for me. I groaned deep at that fucking thought—no there fucking was not.
I could hear Bella half whimper, half moan and then kind of gasp as I shoved in all the way. Fuck.
I snapped my eyes open to see her face- tight and strained. Her little eyes were closed and I could tell she was trying to convince herself that the pain would go away. I really fucking wanted to pull out at that moment. I had to take that fucking pain away. I might fucking lose my mind if I left the fucking perfection of my self embraced completely by her center- but I could fucking do that for her.
I sat fucking still. I was fucking tensed against hurting her more and reining the hormonal psychopath in. I waited for her to lead me through this. She had to fucking lead me through this. I watched in fucking awe, as I was always in Bella's presence, as the transformation moved across her face. Extreme pain. Wonder. Being unsure. And then she melted in to fucking languid anticipation. Fuck.
She opened her emerald eyes slowly—all fucking lusty and shit. She licked her fucking swollen lips. And she fucking moaned deep and fucking needy in her throat. Fuck.
I wasn't going to fucking make it that long. I could fucking feel that. I would fucking try as hard as I could for her but I wasn't a fucking saint. She was driving me fucking insane. Fuck that! I was fucking insane—psychotic with my lust for her.
She started to rock above me. Fuck! I groaned. I was still fucking fully clothed. We had maybe twenty more fucking minutes to just be with each other before I was removed from her life all together. But it didn't fucking matter. I cupped her face in my hands while she thrust down on me.
Friction. Sweat. Hot breath. Need. Breast. Tongue.
FUCK!
My hips were not willing to sit idly by and let her have all the fucking fun. My ass slammed back on the wood of the tree house that we had played in since we were kids. Our breaths became pants and high pitched pleas. My skin was on fire and where ever she touched me I felt like I was being shocked with pure fucking electricity.
I was fucking sensitive all over—and by the way she nearly screamed when I sucked her nipple in my mouth, I'd say she was fucking feeling the same way.
Soon I couldn't remember what was up and what was fucking down. I think we both were for a couple of seconds each. We were tossing and rocking and thrusting and grunting. It was fucking frantic and it was fucking surreal. And it was a fucking feeling beyond comparison. It didn't last long—not a fucking expert but I was pretty damn sure it was over pretty fucking fast.
Our bodies and our breaths pushed fucking faster—mine building to some all fucking consuming pressure that was going to tear my fucking skin from my body. I had masturbated almost every fucking day since I came back in to Bella's life—but I found out that day, as I did with everything I thought I knew before Bella, that I had never really felt a true fucking orgasm.
Bella was fucking wonderful to fuck. I felt her tighten around me and I heard her kind of squeak then moan all deep again, and that was my motherfucking cue. I lost all fucking control. I slammed my head back against the wood floor as my body released. I came into her with no breath in my body and no fucking thought in my mind.
It was fucking fantastic. It was fucking perfect. And it was really fucking stupid.
We collapsed on our sides on to our mattress. I was still kind of fucking twitchy and super sensitive all over. We weren't joined anymore down there but some part of me knew that I would always be fucking inside of her now. I had left a very fucking important piece of me there—given it all to her. Because it belonged only to her.
"Goodbye Bella."
"I love you Edward."
I closed my eyes and thought about Bella. The way she fucking tasted. The way it felt to be inside her… I left fucking all of me back there inside her. What sat here in Carlisle's living room was not fucking Edward Masen, or Edward almost fucking Cullen. It was just some shell that would be relocated for four fucking months.
When I turned eighteen this fucking thing could come back. He could come back to that tree house and reclaim his fucking identity. He could pull himself back out of that precious creature that he was poisoning with his fucking possession and Edward could start fucking living again.
But right now, this body was fucking empty.
He cleared his throat when he came into the room. I rolled my fucking eyes. I was going to fucking miss Carlisle. I really fucking wanted to be a Cullen—but there was one thing I wanted more than that. And she was finally mine. I could survive anything.
"Edward," Fuck. He was disappointed. My insides turned. I didn't fucking want to do this to him. But I had no fucking choice. If I gave one person up—even motherfucking Paul for scoring that shit that she took—then Jazz and Alice would be sent away.
I couldn't fucking do that to them. I was a fucking monster. That was hardly a lie.
"What happened?" He sat down across from me—in his chair. His face was nothing but fucking concerned. Fucking supportive.
Fuck.
"I took Bella out there tonight and gave her the DMT. I found the bottle a week ago and thought it would be a good idea. We were having a private celebration for the adop…" the word fucking stuck in my throat. "For the announcement and things got out of hand."
Carlisle narrowed his eyes. Fuck. "Why don't we try the truth now?" Fuck. Was I really that fucking transparent? Maybe sex with Bella robbed me of the lying motherfucker.
"Edward… you are obviously lying." Fucking prove it doc. "That fire was not possibly started just for the two of you. There were at least five sets of tire tracks… and" he glared at me to make his point. "You didn't cuss once."
I drew in a deep breath. Good thing I had spent years perfecting my ability to fucking lie to Carlisle.
"Billy had a cook out last weekend—fucking people drive to those things Carlisle. The fire got out of hand when I had to focus on Bella and not the fire. And if you fucking want me to fucking cuss I can fucking do it all you fucking want—I was just trying to be fucking civil for once!"
There. That should fucking do it.
Carlisle sat back and sighed. His eyes and face were a thousand years old. Fuck.
Bella. Think of fucking Bella.
I love you Edward. Yes, that would get me through.
"Edward… do you realize what you have done?" I nodded. I fucking knew. I was keeping the people who depended on me safe. I was fucking taking the fall. I fucking deserved it.
"Your audition…" Fuck. I was at a fucking loss. On one side of my fucking brain I was okay with fucking missing out on the pops. Something else would fucking come along. I had fucking Bella now. Fuck. Bella. She wanted me to fucking get in to that school. She fucking bent over fucking backwards to score that audition.
Fuck.
"What can I do?" I was at a fucking loss.
Carlisle's eyes got some weird fucking glean in them. It kind of fucking scared me. "Bella says it was all her fault. That she took the drug and you were no where around…" Fuck. He wanted me to fucking blame Bella. NO FUCKING WAY!
"NO FUCKING WAY!" My fists were balled and my eyes were slits. Shit. I would never fucking do that to her.
Carlisle's hands went up in defense. "I'm not suggesting what you think. Please just hear me," I tried to calm my fucking breaths. Fine. Fuck. Talk.
"Esme is willing to not push charges. She just wants you out of town. If you go back to Tanya… quietly—then maybe it will just go unnoticed." Fuck. That was that then. No wish I could keep you here son. Just fucking leave quietly.
"Sure." My response was fucking clipped and angry.
"I can't Edward. I can't." The sadness in his eyes was no fucking comforting. He fucking could. He was fucking Carlisle Cullen. He could fucking fly planes and fix damaged brains. If he fucking wanted to he fucking could.
"Right." Shut down the fucking emotion. This shell didn't fucking need it anyway. Bella was fucking holding on to it. She was all that fucking mattered. Four fucking months.
"Edward…"
"Sure." Good fucking bye.
"I'm sorry." He whispered and he left the room to make the arrangements. No one, including fucking Tanya, would fucking know why I was leaving. The only fucking people who knew what happened to Bella last night would never speak about it. They didn't fucking want to get caught. I would not get to be adopted. I would not get to stay here in Forks. I would not get to be around Bella.
But I could fucking keep my fucking audition.
Big fucking deal.
I couldn't even begin to fucking want to hear music anymore. All my fucking music was back in that tree house. Inside Bella's fucking body.
I hung my head and waited. No fear. No pain. Just fucking empty.
I could feel Jazz standing behind me. Fucker.
"Is she okay?" He whispered. I nodded. She was fucking okay. She was already fucking dressing the part of the insane fucking girl that she would become once I was gone. But she was fucking okay.
"Jazz…" I wanted to say a lot of fucking things. Not least of all was the fact that I didn't fucking want him to feel guilty over this. I had protected Jazz from the moment he was conceived. I would never fucking stop doing that. But most importantly I wanted to make it fucking clear that it was his responsibility to keep Bella safe while I was gone.
That every fucker who got to keep the name Cullen instead of going back to the fucking shithole of their past was responsible for keep her fucking going. She had to keep fucking going.
"I promise."
Good. I could fucking survive with that. Somehow. Bella would be safe. Bella fucking loved me. I could fucking survive whatever was coming.