A/N: How to put this nicely…yes, this is a slow story. Yes, it is written that way on purpose. No, it's not going to change no matter how many people whine at me. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. Adam has suffered a pretty big loss, and I'm going to let him work through it at his own pace. He tends to be stubborn that way. :-p~
Thanks to Candi, LittleLlamaGirl, and burp for beta-reading for me! This was a bit of a problematic chapter, but I think I figured out what was bugging us, girls—at least, those of us it was bugging. Candi, I'll just say you were right about one character and leave it at that. LOL!
Battle Cat trotted smoothly under He-Man as they returned from the Fertile Plains, where they had been investigating an early-morning distress call that turned out to be a false alarm. The palace was already in view when He-Man heard a familiar cry. Looking up, he spotted Zoar. He signaled Battle Cat to stop as she glided closer, landing on the branch of a tree just beside him.
"Good morning, Zoar," he greeted her, his tone not matching his words.
'He-Man, I cannot help but sense your great turmoil over this situation,' she sent to him telepathically. 'Is there anything I can do to help?'
"Tell me what to do," he replied off-handedly, knowing she wouldn't. He shook his head. "I don't know what to tell them, where to go…I feel completely lost."
'You are concerned for their safety,' her concerned voice echoed in his mind.
"Of course. If Skeletor knows I'm there…" He-Man's voice trailed off.
'You could come live at Castle Grayskull. There are more than enough rooms,' Zoar offered. 'And you yourself would be safer there.'
He-Man inclined his head. "Thank you for the offer, Zoar. I will keep it in mind."
'But having an option does not help. It only adds to your distress.'
He-Man couldn't deny it. "They're my family, Zoar. Most people grow up and leave their parents, but my life was different because of who I was. I never thought I'd leave them."
'And now you feel you have no choice.' He-Man nodded, and Zoar shook, fluffing up her feathers in the process. There was a short silence, then Zoar's voice echoed again. 'There is something else bothering you. Teela?'
He-Man frowned at her perceptiveness, briefly wondering how much time she had spent watching him over the last few days. "Teela-" He broke off, not wanting to say anything against the Sorceress' daughter.
'She has been very judgmental towards Adam,' Zoar observed frankly, confirming that she had indeed been watching. 'Even more so than usual.'
"I'm having a hard time keeping my temper under control around her," He-Man confessed. "I know it's what I've led her to believe all these years…"
'But that does not make it easier,' Zoar acknowledged in a kind tone. 'I understand. Remember that regardless of what you decide now, she will one day know the truth, when she takes my place.'
"Part of me feels she shouldn't have to know the truth to respect Adam," He-Man said, hating the edge he could hear in his own voice. He blew out a breath and ran a hand through his hair, seeking to retain control of his emotions.
'Perhaps you are right. Or perhaps you expect too much.'
"Maybe I do," the hero said reflectively. "But it seems her entire opinion of Adam is based on the fact that he seems to run from trouble. I know that hiding the truth from her was my decision, and it's the root of the problem. It's as much my fault as hers. But…" His voice trailed off. It really wasn't Teela's fault. He knew that. But sometimes, a part of him he usually refused to acknowledge wished that she cared enough to at least try to see the truth.
'But what?'
He-Man shook his head. It wasn't like him to wish things were different. He had a job to do, and that's just the way things were. "Nothing." He hesitated, then brought up the same question Battle Cat has asked the day before.
"You said if we went to Trolla, He-Man and Battle Cat would be lost. Are you sure there's no chance we wouldn't regain the power upon returning to Eternia?" He kept his voice even, not even daring to hope.
'I'm afraid not, He-Man. The sword was the magical talisman, if you will, that in a way, cast a spell on you. That is broken when you arrive on Trolla, but without it, there is no way to re-cast that spell.' She clacked her beak together in an agitated manner, though her eyes were bright with sympathy. 'And remember, you were He-Man when you returned, and did not revert back to Adam. It only seems to work when you go to Trolla. But again, without the sword to act as the conduit for the power…"
"I get it." He leaned forward and patted Battle Cat's neck, sighing heavily. It was too risky to go to Trolla and become Adam, and then return to there as Adam and hope he would become He-Man again. The Sorceress was right. Without the sword, the chances of it working were slim and none. "Duncan's expecting me. I'd better go. I will consider your offer to stay at Grayskull, Zoar."
"Man-at-Arms?" Orko called, floating around the workshop. He had worried about He-Man ever since their conversation the day before. He was hoping Duncan might have a suggestion as to how to help their friend.
"Over here, Orko," Duncan called, appearing out from under the wind raider's hood. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm worried about He-Man," the little Trollan confessed.
Duncan wiped his tool clean as he nodded slowly. "I am too, Orko."
"Can't we do anything to help him?" Orko asked, spreading out his hands.
"Only if you know of a way to re-create the Power Sword," Man-at-Arms grunted, digging through his large orange toolbox.
Orko floated down to the ground and put his hands on his knees. "Well if the Sorceress can't do it, I certainly can't." He frowned under his scarf. "Do you think He-Man's going to go somewhere else to live?"
Duncan's head flew up, his eyes narrowed. "Did he tell you he was going to?"
"He seemed pretty worried that being here puts everyone in danger," Orko recalled, tapping his temple with his finger.
"I wish I could argue with that," Duncan said, almost to himself. He shook his head. "I hope he doesn't make a rash decision about moving out. Losing his identity is hard enough; he doesn't need to lose his home too."
"Maybe it would be easier, though," Orko argued dejectedly. "It can't be easy being around family and friends you love, and have to pretend you're not who you really are."
Duncan stared at Orko for a few seconds as he processed the little Trollan's words. Finally he grasped what Orko had said, and inwardly shook his head at the spark of wisdom from the little Trollan. "You're right," he agreed. "The only time he can really be himself is around you and me." He pursed his lips for a moment. "Still, Adam's always been resilient, Orko. I'm sure he'll be all right. He just needs a little time to figure out what to do."
"And where to live," Orko added, still sounding down. He couldn't help it. The idea of the palace without Adam was just depressing. And the more he thought about it, the more determined he was to stop it. He just didn't have a clue how.
Duncan was quick to ask Adam about his intentions when he arrived later that morning. "Are you still thinking of moving out of the palace?"
He-Man nodded, his face showing no distress over the idea. Duncan took that as a good sign; it meant his young charge was thinking logically about it.
"Where will you go?" Duncan asked.
"I-" He-Man hesitated. "Maybe Grayskull."
Duncan nodded thoughtfully. 'That might make sense, actually. It would provide him a familiar home and protection.' "Have you discussed that idea with the Sorceress yet?"
He-Man winced slightly. "She's had a fairly easy time reading my feelings the last few days. She actually offered."
Duncan raised an eyebrow at him, catching his undertone. "You don't sound keen on the idea."
"Grayskull is like my second home, but this is where I grew up," He-Man said, his voice thickening. "This is where my family and friends are. Yet to protect them, I may have to leave them." He swallowed hard. "In fact, I'm not sure I have a choice."
Duncan frowned. His own mind had been filled not with where Adam should live, but whether he should tell his family who he was. His gut still told him He-Man should reveal the truth, but it seemed as if He-Man was not leaning in that direction. "Have you decided whether to tell them the truth?"
He-Man shook his head. "I-I don't think I can, Man-at-Arms. If I tell them, it won't remain a secret. Skeletor will go after them."
"He does already," Duncan pointed out, his frown deepening.
"Yes, but he'll redouble his efforts if he knows," countered He-Man.
Duncan put his hands down on his workbench and leaned forward intently. "I know you're concerned about your family. But I have to be honest, He-Man, I'm more worried about your safety. Skeletor has always gone after the royal family. But he's never known where to find you. Once he realizes you've stopped disappearing, he might just go after you."
The two stared at each other for a long minute, and Duncan could see the idea had already occurred to Adam. "Which still adds to the danger they're in," He-Man finally argued. He didn't argue with Duncan's point about the danger to himself.
Duncan pursed his lips. He didn't want to push Adam's decision in one direction or the other, but he did want him to consider all the issues at hand. Speaking in a carefully moderated tone, he said, "You're their son, who is alive and well, living with them unknown to them. Is it fair to them not to tell them?"
At He-Man's stricken look, Duncan turned back to his work. It was his job to guide He-Man, not tell him what to do. He had given his young charge enough to think about for now. After a few moments of silence, he changed the subject. "So when do you think you're going to leave?"
"As soon as I figure out where to go, I suppose," He-Man replied reluctantly. The door to the workshop opened as he spoke, and the two men fell silent as King Randor entered the room.
His father was upset, He-Man could see immediately. It wasn't an angry upset, but a disturbed sort of look. His brow was furrowed and his lips were pursed.
"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but if I heard correctly what you just said..." Randor said to He-Man, causing the hero to tense. "Am I correct in assuming your words mean that you do not have a home to return to, He-Man?"
He-Man forced himself to remain calm and look the king in the eye. "That is correct, Sire," he admitted.
"Well then you must stay here," Randor exclaimed, looking more upset by the second.
"I'm afraid that's not a plausible solution, Your Majesty," He-Man said firmly. "I appreciate your generous hospitality, but my extended presence here in the palace will only serve to draw Skeletor's attention and place you all in danger." He ignored Duncan's raised eyebrow.
"It is just as likely your presence would deter Skeletor," Randor countered.
He-Man shook his head uneasily. "I don't think-"
"Where have you lived all this time?" Randor asked abruptly.
He-Man remained expressionless with a supreme effort, but his eyes sought out Duncan for a split second before he answered Randor. "I'm not ready to share that just yet, Your Majesty," he said with respect.
"I see," Randor murmured. There was a heavy pause. Finally the king spoke again. "I'll bid you gentlemen good day for now." He turned on his heel and strode out of the room, deep in thought. He-Man and Duncan exchanged uneasy glances as they watched him go.
'It appears He-Man has far more secrets that I ever realized,' Randor thought as he walked through the halls. He began to reflect on what they did know about the hero, and came to the conclusion that it was almost nothing. 'He comes when he is needed, and up to now, has been quick to disappear. He rarely shows up for celebrations or to receive any sort of recognition for his heroics. He is responsible for Eternia's greatest power and yet we know nothing except that he has borne the responsibility well. We have no idea where he has come from, where he lives, or how he was chosen to hold this power.'
Randor stopped in the middle of the hallway, lost in his thoughts. A familiar voice touched the edge of his consciousness, bringing him back to awareness. His heart lifted as he turned, expecting to see Adam, but instead saw only a young nobleman who was visiting. The lad's voice had sounded remarkably like Adam's. Randor frowned, missing his son with a sudden intensity that caught him by surprise. "Where is that boy?"
Late the next morning, He-Man knocked on the king's office door and entered when bidden, his heart rate doubling in his nervousness that only Duncan or the Sorceress could have caught on to. To Randor, the hero looked as calm and confident as ever.
"You wanted to see me, Sire?" He-Man asked, unconsciously standing in the same spot he always stood in as Adam.
It didn't escape Randor's notice, because most people stood in the center of the room, a few feet away from the desk. Adam always stood just off to the side, and much closer. Randor quickly dismissed the coincidence that He-Man was standing in the same position. "He-Man, I'll come right to the point," he said matter-of-factly, straightening a few papers and motioning for the hero to take a seat. He-Man sat with a familiar ease that would have belied the fact he had been in the office numerous times, had Randor been paying attention. Instead, the king focused on the hero's face. "You have been an unofficial leader among our guards and our allies for years. I always assumed that was the way you preferred it, since you usually left so quickly after a battle and cut off any conversation about your personal life. But I cannot in good conscience let Eternia's greatest hero go on in the, er, situation that you are currently in."
"Your Majesty, I appreciate your sentiment, but-" He-Man began, but Randor interrupted him.
"You are still most welcome to stay here at the palace. I disagree that your presence would endanger us. However, given your feelings on the matter, if you will not accept room and board here, then I insist you accept payment instead." Randor's tone and face invited no argument on the matter. "We will consider you an adjunct member of the Royal Guard, able to take full command in the absence of Captain Teela or Man-at-Arms. It will simply be making official what we have all accepted all along." He placed a small bag of coins on the desk in front of He-Man and motioned for the hero to take it.
"I can't-" He-Man started to argue, but was again cut off.
"He-Man, if you feel it is necessary, then you can give the money away to widows and orphans for all I care, but at least I will know I have made every attempt to pay you back for the numerous times you have risked your life for us." Randor's voice was growing just a touch impatient.
"You don't understand, Sire," He-Man said, his gaze and tone forcing Randor to finally listen. "I cannot accept payment from you, because I cannot be in your employ. If the choice were to come down to protecting the palace or protecting Grayskull, I would have to protect Grayskull."
"Even if innocent lives were at stake?" Randor challenged him calmly, showing no sign of his earlier impatience.
He-Man stared at the king. 'How does he know what my vow included?' "Of course not," he admitted lowly.
"Then I fail to see the conflict," Randor stated, his tone confident. "I would never want Grayskull to fall into the wrong hands; I fully understand the importance of protecting it. And I have the utmost faith in your ability to make the correct choices." Randor rose to his feet, and He-Man quickly stood in respect. Randor came around the desk, picked up the money bag, and forced it into He-Man's hand. "Look son," he said, unknowingly causing He-Man's stomach to clench with the word, "the choice is yours. But I want you to know that on a personal level, I would very much like you to stay here. You would be an excellent role model for Adam." Randor swallowed the urge to ask He-Man where Adam was as he gazed at the hero's face.
"I see," He-Man said quietly. "Your offer is most generous, Your Majesty. I will have to reflect on it."
"Take all the time you need," Randor said firmly. "And in the meantime, make yourself at home here."
"Thank you, Sire," He-Man said, inclining his head slightly.
Randor dropped his hand, looked over He-Man's shoulder as if trying to make a decision, then brought his gaze back at the hero's face. "Have you heard from Adam?"
The question caught He-Man off-guard, but he recovered immediately. "I know he's fine. Is there something specific you want to know, Your Majesty?"
Randor sighed, his posture one of tension and worry. "I'd like to know where he goes when he disappears like this, but I don't suppose you know the answer to that." Fortunately he didn't wait for He-Man's answer but instead went back to his seat. "Thank you for coming in, He-Man."
Understanding he was dismissed, He-Man took his leave, his head swirling. He didn't pay much attention to where he was going as he walked. "I have the utmost faith in your ability to make the correct choices," Randor's voice echoed in his mind. How many times had he wished his father would have a bit more faith in him as Adam? The words seemed to taunt him with the fact that Randor, though obviously concerned about Adam, had far more respect for He-Man. His other words simply confirmed it. "You would be an excellent role model for Adam."
He-Man came to an abrupt stand-still, his heart pounding as his thoughts changed tracks. He could tell Randor the truth right now and end all this emotional turmoil. He-Man turned on his heel then stood rock-still, his breathing quickening.
He couldn't help but wonder if it would it be so dangerous if he told his parents who he was. It was certainly easy to think of the positives of revealing the truth. His father could finally be proud of him. The hiding, the evasion, the deception…it could all finally be over. He-Man closed his eyes briefly, the urge to go back and talk to his father so strong it was almost moving his legs for him. But not quite. He took a deep, steadying breath. It was too early to make this decision. His emotions were too raw, and he didn't want to make a decision he would regret later.
Very deliberately, He-Man turned and continued on, determined to get far away from the king's study.
"Father, can I speak with you?" Teela requested, striding into the workshop.
"Of course, Teela," Duncan answered, putting aside his tools for a moment. He could tell by the expression on her face and the tone of her voice that this was serious. "What's wrong?"
"Do you know why He-Man won't tell us where Adam is?" Her voice took on an annoyed tone, though Duncan could tell she was trying to keep her temper under control.
Duncan regarded her for a moment, wondering how to respond to that question. He and Adam had long ago agreed that lying was not the right way to keep his secret, if it could be avoided. So he settled for the truth. "Yes, I do."
Teela waited a few heartbeats, then sighed in exasperation. "You're not going to tell me, are you?"
Duncan shook his head. "No. It would require me to betray a confidence."
Teela huffed a sigh at him. "You and your secrets!" she exclaimed in irritation. "You're as bad as He-Man!" She stormed off, her body rigid. Duncan sighed himself as he watched her go.
"I wish I could tell you," he whispered. "It's just not my place."
He-Man couldn't help but notice that over the last three-and-a-half days, life at the palace had proceeded as normal...or at least it seemed that way to him. Randor was obviously concerned, but didn't need Adam for anything. He-Man hadn't seen Teela much since they had apologized to each other. Marlena had said nothing about Adam except at meals when someone else brought it up. No one else even asked about Adam.
'Am I--as Adam--so dispensable?' he wondered as he walked to Duncan's workshop, Battle Cat trailing behind him. Adam had been "missing" for several days now, yet he was the only one who seemed to know something was wrong. 'They hardly seem to know Adam's gone.'
"Hello, He-Man," Duncan greeted him with a false note of cheerfulness. It pained him to watch his young charge struggling with this sudden change and the decisions he faced because of it, and not be able to do anything to help.
"Hello, Duncan," the hero returned. He felt weary, which was another issue. He wasn't used to being He-Man, the one everyone looked up to, all the time. It didn't require anything extra of him, as he was naturally polite and caring, but the expectations of others somehow weighed on him. He hadn't realized what an outlet it had been to "act" like an irresponsible prince. 'Maybe it wasn't as much of an act as I led myself to believe,' he admitted silently.
"Are you all right?" Duncan asked quietly.
"I'm just not used to being He-Man constantly," he said in a depressed tone, not bothering to dodge the question. He didn't have the energy to try to fool Duncan--he was doing enough of that with nearly everyone else. "I feel like I'm losing part of myself." Battle Cat sat down and stared at He-Man, purring. He-Man scratched the great cat between his armor.
"As long as you keep yourself separate from Adam, you are," Duncan agreed sympathetically. "Adam's gone, my friend, and I'm not sure we'll ever find a way to bring him back."
Teela froze outside the open workshop door, hearing only the last sentence. 'What does he mean?' she thought in a panic. Only the fact that she had been eavesdropping held her still. She remembered the panicked feeling she had had the day Adam left. 'He can't be gone for good,' she told herself furiously as she backed quietly away from the open door. 'I'm going to find out what's going on.'
"Did you hear something?" He-Man asked, cocking his head to the side. Battle Cat was on his feet in a second, sniffing hard in the direction of the door. He-Man cast a worried glance towards the open door, mentally berating himself for forgetting to make sure it was shut.
"It might be Teela," Duncan said lowly, concern in his eyes. "She was in here earlier, asking me if I knew why you wouldn't tell us where Adam's gone to." Battle Cat, having ascertained that it was indeed Teela, gave a nearly-silent cat snicker as he laid down.
In spite of himself, He-Man felt a warmth in his chest at this new evidence that he was missed. "I didn't think anyone really cared," he admitted quietly. "King Randor asked about Adam yesterday, but for the most part, everyone seems to be going about their regular business."
"Adam's disappeared a lot, son," Duncan pointed out. "Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for a few days. They've gotten used to it. They don't worry much the first couple of days." He narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "Eventually, though, they're going to start worrying and pressing you for answers. I don't think you have much longer to make your decision."