Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 17: Poem Poorly Written

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (one week later, Seattle)

I was focused on the keys with a psychotic intensity. I was lost in another Bella memory… a quiet stormy night on a dock by a black lake. A beautiful angel coming to life at my touch.

I smiled as I felt my body grow warm.

It was good memory. The notes were violently cascading up the walls of the small living room. I wasn't worried about annoying anyone today—Saturday. Tanya and Phil both worked on Saturdays.

I stopped and made comments on my notepad. Heaven help me when they wanted me to actually write sheet music this summer. I had never really been that kind of musician. Nothing I played ever sounded the same twice. I shook my head as I refused to entertain my cynical thoughts about my position at the school.

They knew I had no previous training. I had to just trust it would all work out in the end.

I believe in everything you do Edward. I smiled wider. My fingers danced over the keys with no real rhythm in mind.

You're better than any of them. I never knew that happiness felt this good.

I love you. My hands stopped on the keys. My heart was swelling big enough to crack my chest wide open. I clutched my fists tight and hunched over the piano as the emotions surged through me. I couldn't wait to hold Bella in my arms again… to kiss her… to love her—in every way.

Next time I'll do it slow. She deserves to savor everything… Unless she wants to go fast—I won't care so long as I get to do it with her. I was suddenly very nervous—shifting on the bench like I was waiting to go in to the principal's office. I swallowed hard as I thought about the possibility of getting to do that again with Bella.

I closed my eyes—her perfect face above me, seized in extreme pleasure was all I could see. My breath spiked. I could feel my body wanting her—needing her. She opened her eyes and smiled down at me. Peace. Serenity. Love.

My hands unclenched and smoothed over the keys silently. I opened my eyes with that same feeling of calm that was on my dream girl's face.

"Edward?" Tanya called from the kitchen.

I scowled. It was only two o'clock. She was home early. Damn. I closed the piano and started to clear my stuff. My ultimate goal the last two months was to be a ghost. I didn't feel right in this house. I had no aptitude to handle the new Tanya.

I really couldn't believe it—she was actually clean and sober. It was Phil. But she never once tried to hide the fact that even she knew that. He was a former counselor who had specialized with rehabilitated pro sports players. But he met Tanya last year and for some unknown reason actually fell in love with her. He was a good guy. He really gave a damn about her… and about her family. But I wasn't the kid he wanted me to be.

I wasn't Tanya's son. I was the little boy she let get abused. I was the five year old who let his dad hit him so she could stop bleeding for one night. I was the ten year old who went Jazz's parent conferences at school and met with his teachers to see how he was doing. I was the teenager who carried her upstairs when she was deposited on the front porch so inebriated that she passed out. I didn't have the person inside of me to deal with family dynamics the way Phil wanted me to.

He wasn't my dad. And she was never a mom. So I was just some dude renting a room till the end of spring. For the first time in all the years that I helped her deal with the crap in her life, I really understood where Bella was coming from with Charlie and Renee. This was a world that was so removed from me—it was emotionally draining to try to exist in it.

And honestly, there was a home and family that I did belong to. I just had to give it up to protect the people I love.

I shoved my stuff in my backpack and turned for the stairs.

"You are here." She said smiling. It was kind of creepy to see her smile. All of my life her smile meant something bad was going to happen to me. Tanya was only ever satisfied when inflicting pain on me. It was something I was hard pressed to amend in my mind even now.

Her smile fell as she took in my unintentional grimace. "Ah… would you join me in the kitchen," her brows raised like some hopeful puppy dog waiting for the kid to choose her at the pound. "Please?" Had she ever used that word with me before? No.

I nodded and shoved my hand in my pocket as I followed her to the table. Fuck. I never liked sitting at this table with her. She used to decide my punishments at this table. I sat with my backpack on my lap and my arms wrapped around it. I didn't touch the table. I hadn't touched the table since the last time she let one of her "friends" slam me against it.

I started rocking unconsciously in the chair. My leg was vibrating up and down. Fuck. Where was Bella?

"Edward?" She spoke quietly. I couldn't look her in the eye. She freaked me out too much.

"Yes?" I said timidly. Fuck. She robbed me of my peace. I just wanted to be back in my room thinking about Bella.

"I'm sorry." My leg stopped jumping and I froze in the chair. I locked eyes with her as her simple statement reverberated in the room louder than the song that I had played moments ago.

I just looked at her in shock and confusion. Non sequitur was a nice way to put it.

"I was an awful mother. And I have no right to even ask for your forgiveness. But I want you to know that I am sorry. It doesn't change anything… except the future." She looked down at her hands. They were white fisted in her lap. She never touched this table anymore either.

There were giant tears in her eyes—real tears. It was something I was, again, at a loss to understand. I had only ever seen my mother cry in terror. I didn't know she was capable of this kind of sadness.

I watched her with a blank face. I shrugged. Nodded once. Whatever. I thought. What difference did that make? She should be sorry. I was a total fucking head case because of her.

She stared at me like I was supposed to say something. Fuck! "Umm… 'kay." I said and shrugged again. Like she said—it didn't change anything.

She looked down at her hands again. She reminded me of… me. It was the way I squashed my pain when I was confronting Bella… or Carlisle. I shook that thought out of my head.

"Edward… there is so much I need to tell you… I want to tell you. But I don't expect you to ever want to know me. I just want to explain one thing… well, maybe two." She was looking off in the distance like those two things were physically in front of her eyes.

I nodded silently when she looked back at me. What the fuck did I have to lose?

"First, I want you to know that I loved your father. But, and this is what I am most sorry for with you, I never really knew what love was." I slouched back in the chair as I listened. I sighed. I really didn't think I could stand much more of the twelve steps of Tanya today.

"It is not an excuse… but my father was an evil man. I let him control me—the person I became. And there was something of that in your father too. I was so lost for so long…" I looked at her with sharp eyes. I wanted to sneer at her. Her voice was frail and her eyes were tortured. Good. She fucking deserved it. It was nothing compared to what I felt ever fucking day of my entire life.

But then she drew in a ragged breath and wiped the snot from her upper lip. Fuck. She looked just like… like Bella. The room was kind of fucking spinning around me for a minute. I didn't want to see anything of Bella in that bitch! It was bad enough that I could see me there—I was born of that satanic whore. Bella was pure. Bella was good. Bella… was just as fucked up as me.

Tears were threatening my calm now too. I swallowed hard and stared at the yellow flowers on the wallpaper.

"Your father was… he didn't just change with the accident. He was always an asshole." I raised my brows at that without looking at her. She had always defended said asshole with high praise. A little bit of my psyche kind of admired her for coming to that realization.

"But I had a bright spot for a minute… I had my baby boy… I had you." I could feel her eyes on me. Fuck if I cared to see what emotion she was trying out in her eyes now. My foot went back to tapping lightly on the floor.

"I'm sorry. Our life after the accident was… all my fault. I should have left him. I could have left him. Carlisle came to me every Friday afternoon, after he got out of school. And he begged me to come to Forks with him. But I was too proud. Forks was where that bastard was buried. Forks was some hell that I let control me. And I couldn't do it. I begged Carlisle to live somewhere else—we could start fresh together in some other city. But he had his reasons for staying there like I had mine for never going back." I really didn't want to hear her sad story… but that last bit about my almost adopted father was kind of peaking my interest.

"So… number one—I love you." She reached out and took my hand to make her point. I jerked back but didn't pull my hand away from hers. I could hear Bella in my mind reminding me that I was stronger than she was. She did not control me. Bella loved me and I had somewhere else I could go when Tanya hurt me again.

"Please, Edward, believe that. I know I hurt you. I know I allowed you to be hurt in more ways than I can ever atone for. But I love you… Son." I nodded briskly and waited for her to pull away. I would take a breath once she pulled away. I was suffocating with her so close to me right now.

"Second?" I prompted. She said two things—the sooner she got around to the two things, the sooner I could leave.

"Yah," she laughed lightly and sat back. I relaxed visibly with her skin no longer touching mine.

"Jazz is not really your brother."

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (same day Victoria airport.)

Em was playing castanets with his knees and J was thumbing through the latest Vanity Fair. I was rolling my eyes at every nosy Nellie who stopped to stare at us. Sure we were the oddest trio in the waiting area. What with me dressed in all black—with black spiky hair. And Em was dressed in his best Sean Jean knock off look—while J tried out one of her new cross looks. She actually was quite striking. I had to keep reminding myself not to stare at her. Really, when J got all done up I wondered what the hell she wanted the operation for anyway. She was a woman—a very beautiful and sexy looking one at that. And she and Em had absolutely no problem having sex.

Today she was wearing an elegant sun dress—nice proportioned fake breasts, and a blond wig. The blond was a little hard to get used to. Em had always hated dumb blonds—but then as J had said—"I resent the fact that you think I can't speak, Bells." Those two were fucking made for each other.

"Calm down," J whispered soothingly to Em. My big brother was slouched over his knees in a defensive apprehension. He looked paler than my legs in winter and I could tell his hands were sweating from here. J's hand caressed Em's arm and that seemed to only make Em more nervous.

His eyes shifted as people continued to pass by us and stare with inappropriate curiosity. It wasn't J—she looked like a girl. Maybe a girl who could play for the WNBA, but a girl. It was just the fact that everyone around us didn't seem like they were waiting for the Marshalls to come back out at lead them to their execution. We did.

"Got any film left lady?" I hollered at an obnoxiously rude woman who simply sneered at the three of us. "Take a fucking picture and move on bitch!" She huffed and stalked off.

"Bella…" Emmett growled. He was so freaking nervous that he couldn't even get adequately angry with me. He just looked on edge. Fuck. This was not going to go well. I deserved a fucking purple heart for all that I did for the men in my life!

"It's going to be okay Em," I offered. I met J's eyes over Em's now hand covered face. She looked really worried—Em was never this out of character. He was the cool, carefree one. Shit. He was going to fucking chicken out.

"You are not going to fucking chicken out!" I threatened with venomous lips.

J smirked when my brother sat up and glared down at me. Good. The bear needed to come back out before the jerk got here.

"Fuck Bella! You don't know shit about it."

What the hell did that mean? I knew everything about it! I even fucking knew what the constant judgment was really like from that prick of a father that we shared.

"Emmett!" J scolded. She looked just as perplexed as me.

"Fuck you!" I said standing up so that our eyes could be level.

"There you are!" Renee's shrill call alerted me to the fact that our words were not missed by our welcoming party.

"Come on," J said and shuffled off ahead of the two of us. Satan and his wife were waiting for us with deadpan faces.

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

It was a long night. Dad never really looked at J. Em never really spoke to dad. Renee kept showing me pictures and telling me anecdotes. And I was just eternally thankful that Nessie and Runny were visiting Renee's parents for the entire week.

It was hardly subtle—they were gone for a reason. And I should have guessed what that was. When mom mentioned old battleaxe Aroa coming in to town I should have known to warn J to stay behind on this one. This wasn't a trip for divulging secrets… this was a trip regarding Emmett's eighteenth birthday.

That was the big one. The one where Volterra-Swan decided your fate with the family estate. I never thought we would be included in her will. Fuck if I cared what she wanted to leave me. Her dying was enough of a prize for me. The way that bitch used to treat my mom…

"Bella," Renee said again. I couldn't fathom why I was still humoring her.

"Yah?" I mumbled with mashed potatoes stuffed in my cheeks.

"Please say you'll let me take you to the lake house. You'll love it! And," she turned with a bright warm smile that almost made me smile. "You'll have to come too J, dear." Renee put her hand on J's with no hesitation.

It was yet another twisted fucked up turn of events—explaining J's presence on the trip. It was failsafe for Emmett. Just in case he was too afraid to follow through. We said that J was in PA for reasons relating to her procedure and since she was a close family friend we offered for her to stay with us. The fact that Charlie acted like she didn't exist at all was no real surprise. I really couldn't find the energy to hate him even more than I already did—there was no such thing as a stronger hate than that.

I thought of Edward's face when he told me he had to go back to live with Tanya. Tanya. I was wrong—there was such a deeper emotion of vicious hatred. I funneled that new anger toward my father now.

"Of course," J said nodding her head. She smiled warmly right back. I had to laugh to my self. That girl really was the strongest person I ever met. Nothing really ever fazed her.

"So Bella," I dropped my fork as I turned with an open mouth, still filled with half chewed mashed potatoes, to look at my father. "What are your plans this week?"

I couldn't believe it. He was fucking talking to me. Like… like a normal human being. Like I actually existed. This was the motherfucking Twilight zone.

Em glared at me when I couldn't respond and that made me snap my moth shut and chew. I just shrugged and went back to focusing on my meal.

Awkward can't even begin to describe it.

Later that night I was getting in to bed and saw that I had a text message from an unknown number.

You okay? It read. It was signed Jazz. I had to smile. My surrogate Edward.

Yah… how bout you? You and Al?

He sent me back the frowny face. It made me frown. Alice had been a little torn up the other night when she told me they broke up. She spent most of her time in my bathroom and she grilled me on health questions because I was suddenly so sick all of the time—but I could tell she wasn't happy about the split.

Simperfy!

LOL! Shut up and go to sleep—Edward's orders.

I bristled a little at that. Edward knew better than to order me. Jazz would have to be taught the way of the independent woman too.

It was nice, though, as I relaxed in my foreign bed. Nice to know that someone was looking out for me and concerned for how I was feeling.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (same time)

I couldn't fucking believe it. The room was cast in shadows as the sun crept beneath the earth and the day ended. We had been talking for hours. Phil was upstairs enjoying a movie and giving us some "private" time.

I just kept pinching myself. It was bad enough that I had to deal with this alien world she was living in now—but to tell me that my baby brother wasn't my brother… what the fuck?

"I was really fucked up by then Edward… you remember." Fuck yah I remember. Tanya discovered coke that year. I had always been amazed that Jazz was born at all—let alone without any proof of her addictions.

"You were pregnant." I defended. I remembered touching mommy's belly. I remember being told about that that was a baby growing inside of her. I remember daddy kicking her right in the middle of her proud stomach when she wouldn't get out of his way to the bar.

"I lost it." Her eyes were so sad. Fuck. What the hell could that be about? I mean, she knew she was using. She knew he would beat her. Why sadness and not guilt?

"I was naïve enough to hope… hope that that baby would be something new. But I was stupid and I was weak… and I didn't have anyone who would help me." She hung her head. That was around the time Carlisle was going insane to find Mary. Our little family drama had been neglected by the golden savor for that dark period of time.

"So…" I couldn't even ask the fucking question. What the fuck was I even asking? Where did you find the kid who grew up down the hall? Is Jazz really just a shaved monkey who picked up speech really well? WHAT THE FUCK!

"I met her years before that. She was really nice. Nicest person I ever knew. But she was dying. She wanted to have the baby… wouldn't let her husband or the doctors tell her no. I was so fucked up that night. I was eight months pregnant—bleeding. And so fucking high that I thought it was funny."

My guts turned. Just when I thought I could start feeling sorry for the bitch she goes and says shit like that.

"She found me. She took me in. She was rich—that's why I knew her. I begged whatever I could from her all the time. Once… Carlisle…" She shrugged and continued. "She had her own private doctor and practically an entire hospital in her home. They took care of me… took care of… it." My heart flipped when she said that. It. It was a child. It was my little brother or sister. Fuck. It was not something that should have just been "taken care of".

Something about the casual way that she talked about losing her child made me so filled with rage. How the fuck could she be so callous? I thought about what it meant to have a child growing in the woman I loved. Thought about how fucking over the moon I would be if I found out Bella was pregnant. Fuck. That child would be a blessing—be the best part of me mixed with the purity of her. Be something so precious that I would never be able to call my baby an it.

"But she was dying. She made me promise. Told me she bought my soul with her kindness… told me that her son would become mine. I don't know why. Something about the father never wanting him. And some other stuff that I never bothered to remember. She died two minutes after Jazz was born. And I was put on the birth certificate as the mother. Your father was gone the entire week and you were staying with the neighbors.

When I came home… everyone just believed he was mine. And for a minute… I wanted to try." Fuck. Don't do it bitch. Don't spout that fucking bullshit to my face. You never tried. You fucking went out of your way to kill that kid too. He only survived because he had me.

"But now… Now I want to live up to that promise. I want Jazz to have the life she wanted him to have." She pulled out a large manila envelope. It said Hale on the outside in bold black letters. What was that? A name? A company?

"This is his. She wanted him to have it someday. It's… who he is." I scowled at her words. If she had spent half the time being our fucking mother as she did screwing shitheads at the bar, she would have known who the fuck my brother was. This was semantics—legalities. Jazz was my baby brother and Carlisle's adopted son and Alice's one true love. He wasn't some file that Tanya kept shoved in a shoebox for sixteen years.

I took the thing was distaste and shoved it in my backpack. I was turning in to fucking Rain Man in this house. Everything important to me was on my back in this bag and I guarded it with my life.

"Like I said, I love you. I'm sorry. And I want Jazz to be free." I nodded—refusing to ever look at her again. Fucking bitch. I didn't think it was possible to hate her even more than I had before.

"Oh," She said absentmindedly as she left the room. "And Carlisle called. He said to have you call him…it was regarding your adoption and when you can come home." She left the room like she had just given me a phone message from the dentist's office—no big deal.

What the fuck! My adoption… did it go through? How? I was a motherfucking Cullen now?... Coming home. Fuck!

I jumped to my feet and pulled out my phone. I was hours away from seeing Bella.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (next morning)

The next morning seemed as good as any to visit the lake house. AVS was coming in at 0900 so it was best if Em didn't have his cross-dressing girlfriend sitting in the target range when she got here.

Poor. Em. How the fuck he was going to handle this and telling dad about his life was beyond me. At times like these I wished I was more like Edward—wished that when I put my arm around someone it could put them at ease.

But I was too fucked up for that.

" 'Sup Bells!" J said jumping on my couch as I finished getting dressed. "You got any tampons on you?"

You know out of everything I might have thought she would say to me today… that was totally never anything I would have guessed.

"Huh?" I said like the word was so foreign to me that I needed explanation.

J smirked. "It's part of my cover… I like to carry some on hand in my purse so that if someone sees it to it they have further proof… you know…" She shrugged and the light went on in my attic.

"Oh."

"By the way… when is your usual cycle?" Again with the zinging questions from left field.

"Why?" J had to laugh at my face. Horror, fear and massive confusion were mixed together to spell Bella this morning. Fucking moron!

"Because, women who spend time together tend to have monthlies that line up… it is plausible that we would be starting at the same time… and I could use you as a gauge as to when to have the evidence on hand… so when do you usually start?" Damn this girl thought of everything. I was usually lucky to have tampons on hand when I started. I was such a fucking scatter brain about those things. My period always just seemed to sneak up and surprise me. I had to figure it out by events and landmarks over schedules and calendars.

"Well, I am usually on it when we have quizzes in Spanish… so the end of the month sounds about right. Umm… mom's birthday is the 28th, and I know I have it around then every year. So I'd say the last week of the month… Yah… that sounds right." I nodded like I was a fucking genius for figuring that out.

J's brows were scrunched together like I was the one in drag. "Maybe I'll just go off Al's time table in the future." Bitch. "So… that means you've already had yours just a week ago or so then, right?"

I nodded like it sounded right—I was already reaching for the box in my suitcase. I stared at the fresh, unopened box, perplexed. I hadn't opened it. Why hadn't I opened it?

"Earth to Bella?" J said standing next to me and shaking my shoulders. "What's up? You look like…" She started to laugh and then sucked in a sharp breath when she took in my ghostly face.

I was trying to figure out when I had my last period. I was seeing myself throwing up every single morning for two months. I was seeing my breasts growing bigger with no real reason…. And I was seeing Edward's naked cock going in to my body unprotected.

"FUCK!" I said and dropped to my knees.

"Yes…" J said somewhere far away from my little world of hysteria. "That is what you did that led to this moment."

I was practically shaking with terror. What was I going to do? I couldn't fucking handle this! Everyone who should or could or would help me was against Edward right now!

FUCK!

EDWARD!

I was carrying proof of what my mother would probably love to call statutory rape. FUCK! I had to start pretending to screw other guys soon—he couldn't be sent to prison for this. FUCK!

"Hey!" J said rocking me in her arms. "This is not the end of the world, Bells. We keep it to our selves right now. Go with Renee this morning—stop by a clinic later today all by ourselves and see where we go from there."

Who the fuck was this woman? J was really the most leveled headed person on the motherfucking planet.

She shrugged when I looked at her with wide fear filled eyes. "Carlisle raised me to be self sufficient. And anyway… I have to get on your good side soon."

I scowled at her words. J couldn't possibly be on anything but my good side.

"I picked out my name last night…" Okay? "And you might not like the origin but I think it suits me."

"Hit me with it sister."

"Okay… follow the bouncing ball. Vanessa Rose…" I growled. And J threw up her hands in defense. "Let me finish homicidal pregnant lady! I like the Rose part…. So I played with it. I always liked Alice's name too. You know… cuz it is kind of like my mom's Mary Alice…" I nodded.

"Continue… Ms. Rose."

J laughed. "Ms. Rosalie… I even got an E for Em in there." I laughed with her.

"I like it! But not because of all the people that you think it comes from. I like that you chose it. It's yours and it is unique… just like you." There were tears in my future sister's eyes as I finished my defense of her new name.

She hugged me in one of those former Jacob bone-crushing hugs. "Thank you Bella." She said reverently.

"You're welcome Rosalie."

"Now…" She said jumping to her feet. "Let's go face the world together, shall we?"

I took her hand and stole my self for what was to come.

I let her leave the room first. I glanced back at the mirror hanging on my closet door. My fingers gingerly touched my abdomen. Fuck! I could seriously have a part of Edward living inside of me right now.

It was surreal to say the least. I thought about the look on his face when I told him he was going to be a daddy. Thought about watching him hold our child in his arms with the pride and love that went beyond what he felt even for me. And I wanted that dream to come true so fucking bad. This is what I could give Edward. He had given me so much for so long. And I could fucking give him this.

I would fucking give him this!

I had to.