Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 18: Now late afternoon

-**-Bookends-**-

CPOV (same day)

I was running my fingers through my hair for the hundredth time that morning. I looked like shit. My eyes were red with deep purple, almost bruises under both of them—lack of sleep… lack of everything...

Lack of Esme.

I sighed and ran my hand down my face.

It wasn't getting any better to be away from her. I hadn't had time to see her since the morning she ran out my door. J was off with Bella and Emmett and every minute that I wasn't terrified of getting some call from her, I was terrified of having to see and talk to Alice and Jazz.

I found out that they had split up. I felt like a prick to admit it but that really had relieved me. I had worried from the moment that I Alice met Jazz that I would someday have to have a serious talk with them. Though I didn't know how. It would mean telling her that she was my biological daughter—and to this day I have never had the guts to do that.

I was sitting at my desk staring at the family photo I had insisted we take last Christmas. All of my kids were with me. I ran my finger over little Alice's face. She was so beautiful—even more so than Mary had been. Mary had had an edgy beauty. She was free-spirited and reckless—and that made her eyes twinkle with a wicked knowing that made her captivating. Sometimes I saw that look in my little Alice. But most times I just saw me. Her blue eyes, my eyes, stared back at me with so many unanswered questions.

"Dr. Cullen?" Trish was standing in the doorway when I looked up. I really shouldn't even be at work right now—I felt like shit worse than I looked like it. I was no use to anyone today.

"Yes Trish?" I attempted to smile but the way her eyes widened told me to cut that shit out because it was creepy. I sighed and went back to looking at the picture.

"Your son is on line one," She turned before I could ask which one.

Some of the girls in the hospital still referred to J as a boy. Though I made a point of correcting them each time. Some of them thought Em was my son—truthfully I had been in the boy's life more than Charlie Swan ever would be. And everyone had taken to calling both of Tanya's boys my sons, which they were—but that left me with four options. I didn't know which one I really wanted to have to talk to right now. I only wanted one thing and she wasn't a son.

I pressed the blinking red light with another giant sigh. I started chanting please be Emmett in my mind, but stopped when I realized that if it was Em that meant there had to be something wrong with J. "Hello?" I asked timidly.

"Carlisle?" Edward. I stood up like someone had kicked me in the ass when I heard his voice. Edward! I had forgotten all about calling him last week.

Fucking hell! The poor boy must have been so confused.

"Hey son," my chest swelled with pride to just the word. To him it might still just sound like a word, but to me I knew it was the truth. He was now officially mine—my son.

"What's up?" His voice sounded weary. Edward was going to be harder than Jazz—much harder. Jazz never really knew Edward Sr. He never knew any father other than his big brother. So it didn't make any difference to him that I was now his legal guardian. He trusted me. He loved me.

But Edward—he has only ever trusted and loved one thing. And I was the guy who officially made him leave her. I made him think I had turned my back on him and sent him back to hell. And though I had a peace offering, I wasn't going to make it much better for him now.

"How have you been?" It was actually refreshing to get to talk to him. The only two times that I had tried before he hung up immediately. Now he was calling me. He obviously understood my message.

"Am I your fucking son?" He said bluntly. Fuck. You had to give the boy credit—he didn't beat around the bush.

"Ye… yes." I stammered. I had to do this delicately. Not just for Edward but for Bella, and for me. For Bella because if Edward didn't handle this the way I needed him to then Esme would cut us both out of the Swan girls' lives forever. And I couldn't have that. I HAD to have Esme—forever. And Bella couldn't live without Edward. The girl was looking pretty bad these last two months as it was. She looked like a zombie without him. I cringed as I considered how he must look without her.

"Explain." Was all I got from him. Good. He was open to communication and not throwing a fit. I was impressed. This was not the same Edward that I had sent away two months ago.

I told him—everything. How I tricked Esme into believing that I was letting his adoption fall through. How I had to make he and Tanya believe that this was the truth because I couldn't risk Esme catching on before hand. And how I really needed him to be strong right now.

"Seriously Edward… how are things? Are you… okay?" I wanted to hug him. It was ridiculous. The boys had grown in to men over night after I took them back to Tanya that last time. When I got the call from Alice that night five years ago I had expected to find shaking little boys in that apartment. Instead I had found grown young men with strong shoulders and hard faces.

But that didn't mean that the fatherly instinct of comforting them would ever leave me. I still got to hold J when she was sad—but then she was girl. She would always need her daddy. I sighed as I continued to stare at Alice's little face and waited for Edward's reply.

"Fine. Phil's… a good guy. And…" I heard a rustling on the other end of the phone. Like Edward was playing with something heavy… something papery of some sort.

"I'm seeing more sides to mom that I hadn't before." Mom? Edward had never referred to Tanya as 'mom' before. Though some part of me was snarling over her ability to be that close to him right now while I was subjected to a limited phone conversation—I was happy for the change. It had to mean something good that Edward could let go of some of his hate. But then I ran back through how he said it.

"No cussing." I said smirking. I had called him a liar only once in his life—the only time I truly knew he was bold face lying through is teeth. Edward hadn't cussed when he told me he was responsible for Bella's drug use.

He chuckled. My heart skipped at the sound. I ached to have him home. I wanted to set up a game of poker tonight with all of my kids—ALL of them, Emmett and Bella included.

"Sorry! Things are fucking normal for the most fucking part. I just really fucking miss Bella and I need you to fucking tell me what to goddamn do." I laughed. The boy certainly had a gift with the curse word.

"Stay put." There was that gut wrenching ache again. I heard the silence in the receiver and knew that I was going to have to explain my ass off right now. I hadn't really looked any of the other kids in the eye and explained Esme. But Edward and I were kind of kindred when it came to the Swan women. I really wanted to confide this in him—it was, after all, the entire reason I was begging him to stay away for the time being.

"I slept with Esme last week." Fuck Carlisle—the boy isn't a therapist! Give him a break. Ease him in to this. I shook my head at my verbal diarrhea.

"O-kay…" He said gently. "So… you want me to stay away because you have an interest in continuing to do that?" Yep. That's why Edward was the best one to talk to. J would have had questions. Alice would have wanted descriptions. And Jazz would have just felt awkward—shit I didn't have to confide any of this to Jazz, I was mid coitus when he burst into my room.

I rolled my eyes at the memory. I really needed to sit down and talk to that boy.

"Yes. I would very much like to continue to do that. But I can't really be heartless enough to demand that you stay away… It would just be… easier for Esme to… accept your return if Bella were eighteen before you came back." There that was delicate enough.

"Fuck Carlisle!" He laughed louder now. "I thought I was fucking whipped when it came to my girl. Ha! I'll stay away for you old man." My mouth popped open—there were no words for either remark. To anyone else they probably just sounded disrespectful at best. To me it was a very big insight into Edward. He was just a selfless guy underneath everything. He would stay away for me—even after admitting that he lives his life for Bella. Shit. I wasn't worthy to be this kid's father, real or otherwise.

"Thank you, Edward." My voice was deep with the severity of respect that I had for him. For a guy who lived through so much instability and darkness—Edward had a very casual way of showing intense loyalty and love to the ones in his heart. And that one omission told me I was one of them. Hell—I was mentioned in the same breath as his girl, I was in the top two. I swallowed hard against the thump in my throat. This was going to be a very long two months.

"Yeah well… you are old—and you probably haven't been laid in almost twenty years! You're about fucking due!" He continued laughing and I scowled. Would any of my children lay off the dad actually had sex joke?

I couldn't help it though—eventually my lips did twitch to laugh with him. I was about fucking due! I had only been laid like that once before—good and fucking laid. And I know that she didn't remember it. I shook my head again.

"I'll take whatever I can get!" I said and finally gave in a laughed. This was nice. I still had Alice's eyes watching me and I still felt a powerful tugging sensation when I caught sight of the police station from my office window—but I could have this moment of quiet with Edward.

"So… can I talk to Bella?" He voice was filled with that emotion that I was beginning to understand all to well these days—it was the raw power that made me go insane when I saw Esme's body naked and open to me. It was that blood that pumped our hearts.

"Well, that's up to you. Remember that Bella has to survive here without you for the next two months… so however you feel that can be addressed without upsetting her…" I refused to point out how bad she looked these days. I felt responsible for that—for separating them. And I knew this bond with Edward could not be broken over that blame, but I didn't want him yelling at me so soon after we had just come so far to be friends again.

"Right." I could hear the way his hopes plummeted with the sadness in his voice wrapped around that word. Wrong. It was not right—it was wrong. But that was life.

"So…" I really didn't have anything specific left to say. But I was feeling a little bit revived from this conversation—I was almost afraid to let it end and feel my own heart slow to a crawl from the lack of stimulation. "What else is new?" I was anxious to hear what his plans were for Boston. What he was doing with his free days right now since he took the early exit exam and passed with flying colors. No more high school for him. I was hopeful that he was pursing his music and art with the passion that he put into everything.

"Jazz isn't my real brother." I dropped the phone. Fuck! One day—couldn't this family have one fucking day without some sort of secret or crisis! Soap Digest owed me so supreme mother fucking royalty checks for all the drama that swirled around my house.

I sighed and picked up the phone. "Go on." I said without a hint of surprise in my voice. She had never admitted anything like that to me—but it wasn't beyond my baby sister to kidnap someone's kid for drugs.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (same day)

I sat twirling my phone on my knee. It was getting pretty late in the day… but I really wanted to talk to her. I was dying to talk to her. What would I say? "Hey just thought I'd call"?

Lame. I couldn't tell her the truth. The truth would mean Bella would be angry. We were dying to be together—my skin fucking hurt just remembering how her touch excited it. But I couldn't come home right now. Bella would just be angry with Esme—and that would just make every angry.

I had to connect with her but not tell her just yet. Two years. Bella wouldn't be eighteen for another twenty eight months. I had a plan—not likely but I thought that it was pretty well thought out. I would be heading off to Boston and I would see if she wanted to come. She had mentioned taking the exit exam. She was ahead in all her classes anyway. She was a senior in units and course work—she could do it if she wanted. But there was the little problem with her being only sixteen by the end of the year. She would have to have special approval from Esme—or emancipate herself or some shit like that. I couldn't force Bella to do that. She deserved a little bit of normalcy for now at least- One less battle to fight.

I would be the bad guy. I would go off to college and wait for her. I would try to make it seem like I am being tough and sticking it out. I mean—shit! This is what was in the books already. We didn't have a hope of her being with me until she was eighteen before. But then, I didn't have this kind of promise before. The kind that said I was someone who could be with her and free of that bitch that haunted me all my life.

I could feel it already—I was letting go of the power Tanya had over me. I was a Cullen—not a Masen. I could do anything I wanted… Just not talk to Bella. Shit.

It would be nice though—that dream of us just running off. We would be an entire country away from our parents and their bullshit and it could just be us and our life and it could fucking work. Fuck. No it couldn't. Those were the dreams that Ed and Tanya lived and died by. That was the hope that ran out the door with Mary Alice. That was the divorce of Esme and Charlie Swan. Kids. Fucking kids had no business running off and getting stuck in something so hard so fast. Bella needed to breathe. I could give her that space. I needed to become a man worthy of her first—shit I needed to become a man period.

I clasped the phone in my fist. This was the first step I guessed. Man up Edward. Fucking break her heart a little—to make it a better world in the end. That was real grown up life- Safe pain. I couldn't be with her right now—couldn't risk Esme and Bella losing their relationship over me. Couldn't jeopardize Carlisle's new romance. I could survive the next twenty eight months… fuck. I swallowed hard.

Man up motherfucker… Why?

I gripped the phone tighter—WHY! Why did I ALWAYS have to be the guy who gave in? Why was I ALWAYS the guy with the fucking fuzzy end of the lollipop! Why! It was a lot to process—and yet it just all made fucking sense. But still, that rebellious teenager in me shouted that I should be fucking animalistic in my anger toward Carlisle. Why did he have to put this all on me? But then the man in me knew that he was mostly doing this to protect Jazz and Alice just like I was. And he kept in me in the end. Even at the risk of losing his connection to Esme. Fuck—Carlisle and Esme.

I smirked. I could hear it in his motherfucking voice—the way he said her name. He had it bad. Really fucking bad. I could sympathize. I had a Swan of my own that made my body hurt to be away from her. And he has waited more than twenty eight years for her—I could give him two years of my life in return for every second of his that he spent for me.

I sighed. I flipped open the phone.

Man up motherfucker.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (same day)

I just couldn't believe it. The summer house—the lake house. It was the one that Victoria and James had rented for the Cullenista party on New Year's Eve. I stood on the front steps terrified to go any further.

Renee was describing the landscape to me in excruciating detail so she didn't notice. But my new watchdog was… well watching me.

J and Em had come on the little trip five months ago too. She totally knew at least part of what was going through my mind. How fucking ironic. I was stressing over the fact that I could be pregnant and I found myself standing at the place where I took my first steps to sexual exploration—the first night Edward gave me an orgasm. Wow.

Renee went to unlock the door and J pulled me aside. In a quiet whisper that only I could hear she questioned me. "Here? Bells, are you telling me this is…"

"God no!" I said throwing up my hands. Yes Edward and I had done enough here to almost get pregnant but… he refused to let me return the favor for five very long months.

"It just reminds me of him you know?" J nodded in agreement. Her face was kind of strained when she looked back at the house too. Em and she were happier back then in some ways. Em wasn't on edge all the time like he was now.

"Come on," I said and pulled her into the house. J followed Renee through the rooms ooing and awing at the appropriate times. I just stood in the little hallway by the bathroom off of the kitchen.

When Edward came out of that bathroom that night—he was a changed man. He went in a terrified little boy who didn't want to admit that he was falling in love. And when he threw me against the wall and kissed me—I was changed too. Of course then we ended up outside… but I knew before then. I knew that he was losing a battle inside of him to not fall head long into this chaos.

A mistake we both made blindly. We were two totally fucked up kids, but we thought that we could handle the intense pressure of this bond we share. I rubbed my stomach as I watched the wind whip the waves. The water crashed against the dock. The weather had been violent that night too.

I flushed as I remembered how fucking good his hands felt on my body.

"Bella?" Renee called behind me. I searched for J—she was no where to be found. I panicked. Not now—you are kind of my fucking life line right now J.

"J left to get something from the store. She said her prescription was running low—I told her where the drugstore was." Sneaking fucking bitch. I smiled. That girl thought of everything.

She could buy the test and then we could figure out if I needed to find a doctor or not. I considered briefly when Renee motioned for me to join her on the balcony that I should maybe tell at least one adult. I could probably trust Renee. She didn't know my mom. She didn't really talk to dad in the sense of confiding things about me—but my throat closed up when I tried to say the words. This baby was something that terrified me—I wanted there to be no fear, but fuck! I'm only seventeen years old. How the hell could I handle this and not be afraid!

"Are you enjoying your trip?" Renee asked as I leaned against the rail beside her. I just smiled and nodded. Fuck—I wanted to be in Edward's arms so bad right now. I just wanted to hear his voice.

I suddenly felt like I had to pee—gross but true. I eyed the bathroom and only half listened to Renee. Then I remembered J and clenched the thought. I wouldn't pee until I had a test stick in my hand. Fuck! My life was going to get so much grosser the next couple of months. Pregnancy was supposed to be the most disgustingly gruesome rearrangement of the female body. Lucky fucking duck!

"Bella… can I tell you something?" I was pulled back to Renee's voice as it grew really serious and very sad. It was that thing that had made my heart sink in the mall the other day. That sound that jump started some emotional need in me that I didn't even realize I had…

Like some… maternal instinct that made me want to protect her and take care of her. Fuck! That was fast! Although I thought back to my years with Edward—to every time I had to be patient with him or support him. Nah! I had been cultivating this for years.

"What's up?" I asked trying to sound interested. Fuck I was such a prick. My mind was in too many different places right now—I just couldn't muster up the appropriate level of caring right now.

"I'm going to ask your father for a divorce." That drew me front and center.

Shit. I looked at Renee. This was the woman that for most of my life I saw as some weak bumbling idiot. She dressed her son in matching outfits to her own. She smiled at every stupid comment that people made that she thought was nice. She tried to be my friend even though I made it abundantly clear that I hated her guts. But there was nothing neither weak, nor idiotic in her eyes right now.

Maybe it was the fact that I saw her relationship with my father as a weakness. Maybe it wasn't until I knew she saw him as a waste too that I could respect her. And maybe it was just because I was growing up and I was learning there were many levels to all people.

"Okay," I said to encourage her to go on. The pee situation was totally forgotten.

"He… he's just so distant." She looked down at her hands. "I don't know. I want to leave, but then there are the kids. I know he'll fight to keep Nessie." Fuck. Don't say that. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood. Would I always be second fiddle to that little bitch? He never fought for me a day in my life.

"Well, I don't know what to say Renee. I can't tell you what to do…" I spread my hands open wide. I was at a loss.

"God Bella!" Her eyes grew wide. "No honey! I didn't mean…. You don't have to sweetheart! I just…" She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. "I just needed someone to talk to. Maybe just to say it out loud. I just know that out of everyone who knows him… you… you know what it feels like…" She looked me deep in the eyes then. And I knew exactly what she meant. What it feels like to have him completely shut you out. Damn. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to have Edward treat me that way. To have Edward just not available and distant.

He was distant and impossible to understand sure—but he was always mine and always there. I could feel him even now. My finger poked my stomach. My insides were knotting from Renee's comments. I didn't have much store in daddies. I didn't much like the idea of mothers too much either. One more reason this pregnancy was freaking me out! I never wanted to be a mom.

I swallowed hard. I could hear the car pull up.

Renee went back to looking out over the water. The wind was still blowing hard and her hair whipped around her face. "Thank you Bella." She said sincerely. I just nodded.

"Bells?" J yelled around the side of the house. "You mind helping me with this?" My mind was spinning to explain it. I wasn't sure we needed full explanation to Renee. As I looked over at her I felt that urge again. This time it said she trusted us with her secret. But I snapped my teeth shut at the thought.

"It's a shot." I said finally. I remembered Em telling me that some of J's hormones had to be injected through a shot and that Em was getting good at giving them to her in the ass. I rolled my eyes as I went inside. Em was all about giving J stuff in the ass—or so his follow up comment had stated.

"Come on," J said holding out her hand to me. I wanted to cry. She was really going to do this for me. I couldn't remember a moment in our lives when I had been half this nice to J. I would change that from now on.

We shoved into the tiny bathroom and J read the instructions. I could only imagine that all girls should do this in a team. How could any woman who needed one of these tests really function enough to read the instructions?

"They just say pee and look Bells!' J announced like I was waiting for the theory of relativity to be explained.

I rolled my eyes. "Easy for you to say." I mumbled. I turned to do the job and looked back over my shoulder. J was watching me intently. It wasn't that she still had boy parts—though that was kind of creeping me out right now. I always wondered if erections were actually that controllable—like did the sight of a naked girl excite them no matter what… but even if she didn't have that to worry about, I still didn't like an audience. I didn't like to pee in public restrooms—stage fright.

I glared at her. J rolled her eyes and sighed. "Bella I have seen many before—I actually find them fascinating." She smiled. She was messing with me. Not cool. She laughed. "Really Bells, I won't look. Just pee. I'll close my eyes."

I was still weary. She closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears. Fuck. I really did need to go. I shimmied as delicately as I could and held the device under me. This was the sickest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Who in the hell came up with peeing on your own hand as a viable test for pregnancy! This was like some scarlet letter or some shit! Oh the girl whose hand smells like urine is probably pregnant! Fuck!

"Eww.." I complained as I felt the stream back splash and hit my thumb. I prayed like hell that I was hitting the thing in the right place. I was not in the mood to do this again!

"I forget," J said smiling with her eyes still cinched tight. "You aren't equipped with precision." She laughed. I really considered punching her with my pee hand. Bitch.

"Here." I said handing her the device it kind of dripped with the evidence of what was just poured all over it. J was not as squeamish as Edward would have been. She took it and laid it down next to the box.

"Five minutes," she said. She shot me an understanding and supportive glance and rubbed my shoulder as I scrubbed up.

I suddenly felt like I could vomit. It was getting really real now. This morning it was just some abstract explanation for why I was not having my period and I couldn't keep food down. Now it was a real fucking little person that my body was growing—or at least it was a real fucking possibility. Shit. I felt my guts clench again.

The stress was starting to get to me a little.

J sat on the counter and I put the lid down and sat on the toilet with my head between my legs. It was the longest fucking five minutes of my life.

I felt like each second was a lifetime. I went over, in painstaking detail, every mistake in my life that led me here. And then I chastised myself for thinking this was a mistake. It was stupid. We were too young—but it was not a mistake to love Edward and I would never make this child feel like they were unwanted. I kept seeing Alice in my mind. I would never make my child feel like a mistake that I would just cast off.

"Two more minutes Bells." J said with a strong voice. She was some rock that I really was pressed up against right now. I don't know what I would do without J… I didn't know what I would do even having her beside me. But I was thankful that I did have her at least.

I wrung my hands over and over. Edward. I wanted Edward. My stomach tightened again.

"Okay." J finally said. I felt like I had aged ten years in those five minutes. I was too shaky to stand. I just looked at J with wide fucking eyes. She nodded in understanding. "Okay." She said again—this time in assurance to me.

She brought the box and the stick and sat down on the floor in front of me. "Let's see."

I closed my eyes tight. I couldn't look. So many parts of me wanted it to say no. I wanted to have some disease that I cold take medicine for and erase the possibility. But then I really couldn't block out the picture of Edward holding our child. Fuck! I wanted that more! I could give him something no one else could. A son—we'd name him Edward. And we would raise him with all the love and stability and peace that we never had.

"Bella?" J whispered. I opened my eyes with a serene feeling in my soul. I was pregnant. I just knew—and I was okay with it. Because I loved Edward and he loved me—and this baby was proof of that.

"Yes."

-**-Bookends-**-

A half an hour later J was going through the gardens with Renee and I found myself dangling my feet in the water. I smiled. It was amazing how quickly it had changed—that total and intense fear to sudden calm and peace.

I rested my hand over my stomach. I couldn't wait until I could feel it kick. It—no him. I would call my baby a him. I just knew that I had little Edward in me right now. I smiled at the thought.

My toes danced in the water. I imagined the first time Edward and I would wash the baby. He would be so nervous—wanting everything so perfect. I hugged my child from outside my body. Edward would be so gentle with him. He would be some miracle to both of us. And that made everything okay. That made whatever shit I had to face now worth it.

I didn't have any other dream now but that picture. I smiled. It was such a beautiful picture.

I was pulled from my musings when my cell phone rang—Edward. My heart nearly burst out of my chest. I could feel my baby pulsing with joy at the thought of his daddy too.

Then I was nervous. Should I tell Edward? Could I tell him? Who should I trust? Reality was a bitch that was slapping me hard. I panicked. If I told Edward there would be shit to pay. I was only a few months along— Edward was due back in Forks on his eighteenth birthday (in two months)—he could find out then. And then we would handle this together. I would be further along by then but I could probably hide it pretty well until then. I didn't turn eighteen for another two and a half years—that was problematic, but we could work something out. I believed that he and I could work something out together. Even if it meant we ran off into Canada together and waited out the nine months. Once I was eighteen and our baby was already here—what the hell could our parents do to us!

Or maybe I could try to talk mom in to the early admissions thing. I was planning on taking the EE in spring. I would be graduated from high school. What more did I need to be thought an adult? If she agreed soon enough I could be off to college in Boston with Edward and no one would know what had happened. We could say we adopted him or something. It could work—as long as I had Edward, anything could work.

That seemed like a good idea in my head. But then I came up with it in twenty seconds. I didn't really have adequate time to think through all the details. I answered my phone before it went to voice mail. I would be as guarded as I could be without making him think something was up.

I remembered the swell of happiness all over again as I heard him speak.

"Hi."

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV

"Hi back." She sounded really happy. Fuck. I missed hearing her sound really happy. I nuzzled the phone. I could almost smell her. Strike that if I ran up to my room, I could mix the potion and smell as close to her as I could get. I smiled. God I loved her.

"So… I didn't know I was allowed to speak to you now." She said- that smile in her voice.

"Well… I hear the town's police chief is a little tied up with medical emergencies these days to really care who talks to her daughter." Bella laughed. Good. I needed to know she was not catching on to my guardedness. I wanted to talk to her so much, but I knew I had to not let the adoption slip.

"How are you?" I asked wishing like hell I could see her in person.

"Okay." She said slowly. What did that mean? Did she feel it—sense it? Did she know I was keeping something from her?

"Bella…" I wanted to tell her. She would understand. She would not risk it and attack her mother. But I couldn't. I couldn't put one more thing on Bella's shoulders. She held so many troubles and worries already. She already didn't expect me back before my birthday. What was one little year in the grand scheme of things?

"What is it Edward?" The worry in her voice was throwing me off. She seemed desperate for me to ease her troubles. Dammit. I couldn't do that. I was going to ask a little bit more from her. Just for the moment. She was strong girl—she could do it.

"I'm not going to be able to come back on my birthday…" I heard her sharp intake of breath. Think of something fast motherfucker. The girl deserves some sort of explanation. "I… I need to go to Boston and get the apartment ready and the school wants me to get started as soon as possible." Fucking pussy way out. Hide behind the school—Bella's one hope for me was that school and the scholarship. She wouldn't question that.

"Right… okay." She sounded so sad. Fuck. It tore me up inside to do that to her. But it was better than her fighting with Esme. Better than us being separated for much longer time by other things—like hate and anger.

"I… I don't know where that leaves us Bella." I wanted to throw up as I said it. I knew where we could be, but she was too young. I couldn't force her to do this. "You still taking the exam?" Fuck! Way to not pressure her into this Cullen! The thought of a whole year without her suddenly sounded like a really big fucking deal in the scheme of things, though. And I kind of wanted to let her know that I really fucking wanted her there. Whether I pushed her there or not. "I mean… you don't have to… I mean, I can't see you until you're eighteen you know. So… fuck." Fucking moron.

"Yah." She said quietly. "Twenty eight." She whispered.

"What?"

"That means I won't see you for another two years."

"I suppose." I wasn't sure why, but the way she said it made an uneasy feeling creep into my gut. Like time was suddenly something that was very important to Bella. Something that she couldn't let pass by too quickly right now.

"What's wrong?" Sometimes I wished that I could just read my girl's thoughts the way I could kind of do with everyone else. She was impossible to decipher most times though. It's the biggest reason why I loved her but it made moments like this really fucking hard.

"Nothing." I could hear the fake smile in her voice. Big fucking thing.

"Bella," I said with my serious fucking voice. I would walk to Port Angeles right now if I had to. "You promise me you'll tell me if there is something. Right?" I meant it—she fucking knew I meant it.

"Right." She whispered.

We finished our lackluster conversation and told each that we loved and missed each other. But when I hung up I sat and stared at the phone. I got a chill down my spine. Like the next time I spoke to Bella—something terrible would happen.

2 years.

28 months.

112 weeks.

784 days.

18,816 hours.

1,128,960 minutes.

67,737,600 seconds.

Fuck.