Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
Chapter 19: I walked alone
-**-Bookends-**-
EmPOV (Same day)
I was sitting in her room again- Bella. What did it feel like to be my baby sister? I sat on the floor between her sofa and the wall. From here you really couldn't see much. Just the fact that this room was so not Bella.
Why didn't she change anything in here? This place was like a hotel room. Sure my room was almost identical but it never really mattered to me. I was okay with the look- I never really had any desire to display me on the walls the way that Bella did herself. But then Bells wore her heart on her sleeve too.
I socked the wall for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. Shit. I couldn't make fun of her and Edward anymore. I was just as fucked up as any of them- more so in so many ways.
I twisted the ring on my pinky over and over. J. What was I going to do with her? I could hear the grandfather clock in the hallway. Tick, tick, tick... my life was a time bomb set to that clock. Dad. What was I going to do with him?
I looked at my hands- there were scars and swells all over the skin that showed how fierce I was in battle. Emmett. There was the biggest question of all- what was I going to do about him?
Punch. A little bit of the plaster broke that time. Good. I always thought Bells should take out her aggression on the walls- maybe it was my turn.
The clock chimed the hour. Two o'clock. Fan-fucking-tastic! Volterra would be here with The Will. I sighed.
As I walked out of her room I noticed that Bells' bag was not even unpacked. Why did she always do that? Leave it packed like she wanted to be able to leave a moment's notice. It was insane. But then that was Bells.
I kicked the tampons out of the way- I rolled my eyes as I pictured J carrying some in her purse. Why did it bother me that she was so thorough? Why did I cringe when I thought of someone seeing her with them? That was what she wanted. She was a girl- that's what girls did.
I tried to hide behind the excuse that it was just because there was no game plan behind it—for me. J had had her life planned out when she was little. The minute Alice moved in—Jake moved out. And that first time we…
I shook my head. I gripped the door knob in a tight fist. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look my dad in the eye and admit who I was. I rested my forehead on the door.
Shit. Bella was so much better at this. Sure she was a fucking lunatic at times—but it was all out there for everyone to see. She owned it—craziness and all.
I let out a sharp humorless laugh. I thought I was big and tough because I stared down three hundred pound meatheads in chest pads. I looked at the guy in the mirror. His curly hair was cropped short. His chin was sharp and strong. And his clothes were tailored with an air of youthful sophistication. Everything about that reflection said confidence and strength.
But that was all just the outside. On the inside he was someone completely different.
On the inside he was scared shitless. On the inside he was wearing two socks that didn't match and a torn t-shirt. On the inside he was a homosexual with a crossing dressing girlfriend and a secret desire to be a fashion model.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. After eighteen years it was impossible to imagine that guy coming out from inside of me. Stepping out front and center and becoming my identity. He had always just been my secret. My dirty little secret.
J would slap me upside the head for that one. Dirty. The real me wasn't dirty- just un-presentable.
I narrowed my eyes like I was fucking superman and could see through Bella's door and all the way downstairs to the study where the judgment committee would be sitting. Bella thought it was so effortless for me. She had bitched at me for years for it and I just shined her on because I didn't want to break her heart too. Break her heart by letting her know that everyone has problems- that I knew dad was an asshole too. A bleak truth like that made the world a really terrifying place to consider living in. So I let kept it to myself.
But I knew- and it was never easy to be Charlie Swan's kid. Son- shit I wasn't a son. I was a star athlete and a pride patch for him at parties. I was the guy who was quick with a joke and smiled through his pain. And I was the guy who hung his head every night because he couldn't be who he wanted to be.
Today would change all that. Maybe. If I had the guts to follow through with it. The deal was that I knew I was definitely in line for the ransom—Volterra's estate was worth millions and I was the only grandson. I was also the acceptable one. Bella had all but slapped our grandmother on many occasions throughout our life. Don't get me wrong- I wanted to floor the bitch too. Especially when she started going on about mom.
But I bit down on the anger and smiled back at the old cow. Because one of us with some stake in this family's money was better than both of us being out. And I could probably even hide my sexual preference even now, until the old bat dies- if it weren't for J.
Honestly, I probably wouldn't even be gay if it weren't for J. I can't remember a minute of my life that I didn't spend with her. Or think about her. We were best friends as kids and...one day she just kissed me. On the lips- quick and sharp and to the point.
I smiled. She always put a smile on my face. J didn't shit around with problems and worries and thinking. She just did. She just was. And when she turned thirteen she decided that I would just be too. I never regretted it. I loved her- to my bones.
But I couldn't love me.
The guy in the mirror's face betrayed the intense fear that was threatening to kill the guy on the inside. I held out for so long- letting Bells completely be herself. I sat through endless nights of talking baseball with Charlie and missing out on talking about nothing to J on the phone. I even took that creepy little stepbrother of mine to batting practice. And now I was going to throw it all back- give it all up.
My heart was racing in my throat. Sweat was spreading across every inch of my body- but mostly pooling on my upper lip. Goddamnit! This was about more than just throwing a million dollar inheritance back in their faces this was about finally admitting who I was.
Mom and Carlisle, Edward and Alice, Jazz and Bella—they all knew. I never told any of them. But they knew. Well… Bells knew long before any of the rest of them. She walked in on J and me in a compromising moment. But even then she was cool about it. They were the people that mattered in my life. And they supported me being me.
But Dad? The guys on the team? The recruiting coaches that came to the games to offer me the scholarships? None of them knew. And I couldn't begin to want to tell them.
I was a selfish bitch when it came to my life with J. I wasn't like Bella. I couldn't just say "he's just difficult" and leave it at that. People would have an opinion about our lifestyle. People who feel they need to comment about what we did behind closed doors. Shit, it's the 21st century and it should be no big deal—but here I was terrified as hell to say this is who I am.
I pulled open the door with a giant breath. I could hear her.
"Well, Charles, that new one is not much better. I am telling you now that the blond bimbo has that look—the one that tells you she likes to play while her husband's away…" I cringed to hear her speak. The venom in her voice never lessened no matter how old she got. Didn't that bitch worry about getting in to heaven?
"At least she acts female at all I suppose. That dyke you married before—she shouldn't have wasted any time with marriage to a man…" I balled my fists. If that bitch said anything about my mother to my face—fuck if she continued with talking about her now—I would knock her fucking false teeth out.
I heard Renee come through the front door. "I'm home." Shit. That meant Bells and J would be home too. What the fuck! They were supposed to be gone all day. Fuck. I didn't want J here when I did this.
I was frozen again. I hadn't even made it to the landing. I couldn't even see the stairs. Shit.
"Bella," my father was saying. It was weird. Bells noticed it last night too—I could tell from the way her mouth hung open while stuffed with mashed potatoes. He was acting differently toward her… almost giving her the attention he used to only give me. A more selfish idiot might have been jealous. But I wasn't selfish over my father's attention. I mostly felt bad for Bells to have to deal with it. I was more selfish over protecting J from these bitches. I wanted her to put the drag away and hide behind Jacob for a while. I hid behind Emmett—why couldn't J and Em just be alone and not deal with any of the pain that was going to come along with this?
Fuck. "You remember your grandmother?" Fuck. He was introducing her like she was a family friend and not his daughter. My body twitched to move—but my feet staid planted on the floor.
"Yah," Bells' voice was more than angry. I chuckled. Maybe she would hit the bitch before I had to. "We met last summer right?" Fuck! Bella certainly never felt she had to hide.
"And this is a close family friend," I heard my sister offering. FUCK! No! Don't put J on display! My feet started moving then. I walked briskly to the stairs—but I pulled up short. "Rosalie." Bella said.
I stopped. My brows knitted in confusion. Who the fuck was Rosalie? I peeked around the corner and spied the new "family friend". I could only see her from behind. But her ass was nice—for a girl I supposed. She seemed a little on the tall side. But then I liked women with height. Bells and mom were short but I wasn't interested in finding either of them attractive. Rosalie wore blue jeans and a red shirt—fitted but lose. She had blond hair—that was pulled up into a ponytail. But her skin was a dark, almost mocha shade. She wore black boots—FUCK! I recognized those shoes.
I bought them for J last Christmas. I was standing on the bottom step before I realized that my girlfriend was talking to my grandmother. My girlfriend! She fucking changed her name while she was out today?
Bella spied me out of the corner of her eye and grimaced. Renee must have wanted to make it home early. I couldn't blame her—no one should have to face Volterra alone.
"Emmett," she said noticing me over J… Rosalie's shoulder. The red clad shoulders in question stiffened minutely. No one else in the room probably noticed, but my baby's body was something I had a lot of practice watching. She didn't turn to acknowledge me. Fuck. She was giving me an out. No one here was told that she was my girlfriend. Everyone knew she was Jacob Cullen—but no one knew that she was mine. And by introducing herself with her future name and by not turning around and giving me a hello kiss—she was silently saying it's okay. Just do what feels right—and don't kill yourself over me.
Fuck. I would never deserve this girl.
"Would you like to accompany me and your father in to the study?" Damn. No wonder it was impossible to ever like Charles Swan—his mother had no heart. All business with these people. I leveled the hundred year old cow with my best Bella impersonation, squared my shoulders and crossed my arms over my chest. With all the strength that my "practically a man" mother gave me, I leaned forward and glared down at her.
"No." I said flatly through tight lips. Bella's mouth popped open. And I think I might have even caught a smile of respect from Renee. I put my hands on Rose's shoulders and spun her around. She was smiling big at me as I leaned in and crushed my lips to hers. My heart was hammering in my chest and I was sure I would throw up in the next five minutes. But I could breathe in her scent—and that calmed my nerves. I leaned back from the kiss and looked deep into her eyes. I love you they said. I winked at her.
"Bells," I said turning to my sister. She had so much fucking pride shining in her eyes that I wanted to cry. "Go pack your bag." Ironic—she was already packed. I turned back to Rose. "Go call your dad." I whispered. She shook her head. I glared at her. She just planted herself next to me and took my hand in hers.
"I'll stay right here if you don't mind." She said simply.
I looked back at my father. There was not the surprise I expected to see in his eyes. In fact… there was nothing on his face. He was stone. Fuck. My heart beat against my ribs like I was being killed. In a way I was—the old Emmett was dying. Em was taking his place. Rose squeezed my hand in silent support. I nodded without looking at her. Only one more thing to do and then we could leave. I turned to Volterra.
"I'm in love with this girl. I don't need your money. You can burn it in hell when you get there. But I am not giving her up just to have it."
"Fuck yah!" I heard Bella shout from upstairs. I rolled my eyes.
That ancient bitch raised her chin at me. Her lips were a thin lethal line of judgment. Fuck. Rose had to lean into my side to keep me upright. "I guess I should have expected no less." Her voice was slow and cold and heartless. Just like she was. "You were raised by a sexually confused mother." I snarled at her words.
Rose was even tensing up to defend mom. I towered over the bitch—ready to say something. But then a fist flew in front on me and collided with that hag's face.
My shocked eyes turned to see Renee messaging her knuckles. She was breathing harder than even me. And she fixed dad with an evil look. "That was for my step kids." I never imagined that I would actually feel pride from hearing her call me that.
"And I want a divorce."
Fuck.
-**-Bookends-**-
JPOV (same day)
It was really pathetic. I was washing the dishes alone and contemplating changing my sheets for another load of laundry after this. I rolled my eyes as I scrubbed a stubborn stain.
"Hey son," Carlisle was at the back door when I turned. I was not having the easiest time calling him dad. I still thought of him as my uncle. It was weird. You spend your whole life knowing who you are and believing in the things that make you, you—and now I had some other piece to fit into my identity. Weird.
"Hey," was all I could say. I pulled the plug in the drain and watched the dirty dish water disappear. If only everything were so easily cleansed from the world.
"So…" his voice betrayed his uneasiness. I rolled my eyes at the remaining suds. I really had hoped he wouldn't want to have "the talk". But then, I did walk in on him having sex. It was only fair to let him get his feelings out.
I turned to him with all the innocence I could muster. Tanya had had sex on the living room couch almost everyday of my childhood. There really wasn't anything about a female, or even male, naked body that I needed to be clued in on. The respectful and loving way that they were touching each other was something foreign and intriguing to me though. But that was a habit and I hoped that I would learn to operate with it in my own life.
"I would like to talk to you about what you saw the other night." He sat at the island and motioned for me to join him.
I nodded as I took my seat. "I would like to formally apologize." I cleared my throat. Suddenly I was a geeky kid who had to admit he saw a grown woman's boobs.
"You didn't do anything intentional, it was an accident." Carlisle's entire being screamed kindness and understanding. His eyes were almost laughing at the awkwardness of the moment. It made me curious.
"When was the first time you saw that?" I asked rashly.
He laughed. "It actually was on Esme's parents." I raised my eyebrows and he laughed harder. "I used to spend a lot of time at her house growing up," his face grew slightly troubled for a minute. I often had to remind myself that Carlisle had a past that was not that different from mine. "And I thought Esme would be home early one day. They were actually in the kitchen." His eyes were a little glazed at the memory. "Esme gets a lot of her body parts from her mother." His voice was a little breathless as he said it. He looked like he was almost in a trance as he did too—I wasn't sure if he was remembering her mother or Esme's body at that moment. But perfectly shaped breasts were clearly on his mind.
"Listen," I said raising my hand and bringing it on to his shoulder. "It doesn't make it weird for me. I may have a hard time looking her in the eye for a little while but that is pure embarrassment." I assured him. He met my face with a skeptical look. "I promise, Car… Dad. I really only have one girl on my mind. And it's not Ms. Swan." He frowned at that.
I knew. I knew that Carlisle had hoped that Alice and I would break up. It wasn't something I understood. But he would tense whenever I held her hand. Or when he would walk in on us making out—his disapproval would be all over his body language. I figured it had to do with her being his daughter. Fathers were protective. I was a teenage boy even if he did know me so well. But I wasn't completely sure. Sometimes it just seemed that it had something to do with the fact that we shared the same last name. Neither of us were born Cullen, but I think it weirded him out that we wanted to be together though we were in theory cousins.
"Jazz," his fatherly voice was back front and center now. His hand moved to my shoulder. "You know that I am always here for you. Whatever, whenever.." His eyes grew dark. "Well, maybe not whenever all the time—check with me first—but you know what I mean." I laughed with him and nodded. "Good." He slapped my shoulder.
It was a nice moment. But then, Carlisle had always been a dad to me. I didn't have a basis for comparison like Edward.
The phone rang. I answered while Carlisle headed up stairs to change out of his hospital attire.
"Cullen house?" I said. Everyone else just said hello—that just didn't seem like enough information to me.
"Hey Jazz." Bella sounded happy. Good. It made my heart a little lighter to know that she was. I was appointed to be her glee club while my brother was gone. Happy meant I was doing my job.
"Well if it isn't little Bella Swan, what's up?" She laughed and I could hear shouting in the background.
"Tell your dad that we are ready to come home whenever he wants to come get us." More shouting and something crashing.
"What the hell is going on Bella?" I was more than a little worried at the noises in the background. We all knew what Em was planning to do on this trip.
"Oh, you know." Her voice was strained. For the first time I heard the stress. The happiness was masking a very deep rooted stress in her body. I would handle that when she got back her too. "Em kissed Rosalie. And Renee wants a divorce. My grandmother is threatening to sue… and for once I'm the only one with a leveled head and no sign of a temper." I had to chuckle while she giggled. It sounded like a soap opera showdown… wait.
"Who is Rosalie?"
"Oh, that's J's new name. Clever huh?"
I nodded to nothing. I liked it. I think it would suite my new adopted sister.
"Carlisle!" I shouted. He came down to the kitchen in his casual clothes. "Bella says they are ready to come…" he grabbed his keys and was out the door before I could finish. I sighed. "He's on his way." I stated.
"So," I sat back down at the island and prepared all my questions in order. "Tell me about your trip."
Bella laughed and started at the beginning. I had a feeling with the way she described the airport arrival- this was going to be a very interesting story.
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (two days later)
Dr. Cullen had been waiting for us at the airport. Rose had complained that she didn't want her daddy making some big show at the house by picking her up. But now we all kind of wished that he had been there.
Dr. Cullen would have stood up for us. He would have shielded us from my dad's harsh words. I wanted to wrap both of them in my arms and promise them that everything would be okay. But I needed that promise right now too. In some ways more than they did.
Tomorrow they would still be a super couple with each other to lean on through the shit that gets slung on them. In a few weeks they would both be over eighteen and they could be considered mature adults who get to choose their lives. And in seven months they wouldn't have a whole new life sleeping in their arms that they would be responsible for.
I was all alone for the next two years. Phone calls and letters were the only support I could get from Edward.
I couldn't be mad at him. He didn't know. And I couldn't just drop it on him right now. Not after talking to Jazz last night. Jazz. It was really weird. I went from Alice and Edward being my right and left arms to Jazz and Rosalie being my replacement limbs.
Jazz was like a really good therapist for me. He just listened and offered an objective view of what was going on in my head. He also had a way with emotions like no one else I knew. He could find the truth straight to my heart and tell when I was holding something back. That's why I told him.
He would keep it from Edward for as long as he could. But he had to know about the baby. He already could tell something had changed in me. And now I knew it was a maturity that I was hardly even aware of. It was reality—the fucked up part of it that was life. At first I was excited and childish to believe that this baby would be some miracle that Edward and I would just have and it would be great.
Then I got his call. Fucking reality it me in the gut with that. Really—I had felt hard cramps in stomach from the moment he told me he wouldn't be coming home. Fuck. They were hitting me again right now. I was sitting in the front seat of Rose's new Rabbit and worrying my hands together at the results. She had taken me to a clinic in PA. It felt like I was driving in circles these days. I had no sooner gotten home than she kidnapped me and drug me back to Port Angeles.
"So, that means November?" She said as she drove. I shrugged my shoulders. What the fuck was I going to do? I couldn't tell my mom. I couldn't even tell Dr. Cullen. He would have to tell my mom.
I was sixteen. There was no way that me being pregnant wouldn't spark a criminal investigation. I started running through the names of guys in my life that I could pretend to sleep with. Maybe if mom thought Mike was the dad… Fuck. There was no way in hell that I could picture myself with Mike fucking Newton. I didn't want to picture myself with anyone but Edward, especially with this baby. I wanted nothing more than to be happy about this baby. But reality was a fucking bitch. And it was slapping me hard. Just like it always did.
"Bella?" Alice asked from the backseat. I sighed. It was impossible for me to accept that she was here too. But then, she figured this out long before any of us. She knew the minute Em told her I was throwing up.
"Yah Al?" I watched the rain beat down on the windshield. Fucking rain! It would be nice if it was useful for something—like washing away your worries. I'd stand out in it for hours if I thought I could make some good come from this moment that I found myself in.
"What are you going to do now?" Her voice was meek and sad. I knew what she thought I would do. Put the baby up for adoption. That was not an option. "Please Bella… just promise me that… if you can't… if you won't…" I looked over my shoulder at her. What the hell was she trying to say?
"Alice." Rose's voice was stern and hard. I looked her in fucking confusion too.
"Just promise me that you will not have the baby before you will give it up." I looked back at her, baffled by her words. What the fuck did that mean?
"What?" My mind couldn't make sense of the words. Not have the baby instead of give it up? What?
"She means abortion, Bells." Rose's voice dripped in hatred around the word. My mind shut down when I heard it too. How the fuck could I ever do that to my own child?
I glared daggers at Alice. How the fuck could she think I would ever be capable of such a thing?
She glared back at me. "There are worse things than dying before you are born Bella. Believe me." I jumped back from her words like she struck me. Fuck. I knew Alice had a hard childhood. But I couldn't imagine what kind of life would make you feel that death was a better alternative.
"No." I said quietly to no one in particular in the car. "I want this baby. I just need to think about what that will entail."
"Well," Rose said turning the defroster on since I was breathing heavier these days. "You know whatever it is you have us beside you in it." I nodded.
"I know. Thanks." I looked down at my hands. They were clutched around my stomach. I wasn't showing yet—but I probably would be soon.
"And you know that Edward will fight across fucking hell to be there too Bells." I pretended not to hear Rose's truth. He would be here right now, preparing to take me across the Canadian border or some shit to protect me.
I wanted so badly to be able to lean on him right now. But it wasn't fair to him. He was starting the academy. He was getting a leg up at a better future than his fucked up past. And for the first fucking time in his life—he was looking forward to it. He was content. And if believing that I was fine here without him was doing that then I could fucking do that for him. My mom married my dad because she was pregnant with Em. I believe from what I've heard, Dr. Cullen married his wife because she was pregnant with Rose. I could do this alone for as long it took for Edward and me to decide on what kind of future we wanted or needed. But I wouldn't force him into anything simply because I was pregnant and scared.
"Bella?" Alice asked as I rested my head back on the seat.
"Yah Al?"
"When are you going to tell him?"
I sighed. I had no idea. My stomach cramped again.
They dropped me off at the front of my house so I had less of a walk. I rolled my eyes when I got out of the car. I wasn't even that pregnant yet. This secret was not going to stay that way much longer with these two idiots acting like this.
"Hi honey!" Mom said when I came into the house. I smiled and nodded my hello to her. She was at the kitchen table paying bills. I pretended to head up to my room but instead I hid around the corner and watched her.
How did she do it? All on her own—my mother was a fucking superhero! She just had all the answers. Sure she made mistakes but she raised Em and me without anyone to help her. She put food on the table and a roof over our heads. And she didn't need anyone to do it for her. I noted the way she held her head. Strong and sure. I automatically set my chin to mimic hers. I would have to watch her more carefully now. There was some secret hidden in her genes that I needed to tap into right now. Pretty soon that would be me. A single mother. A woman raising her child all on her own.
I grabbed the newspaper and went to my room. I started looking at the help wanted ads. I would need to get a job, and fast. I wanted to be able to be totally self sufficient when my child was born. It was only right—it was time for me to stop being some fucked up whining child. I was adult enough to get pregnant. I needed to become an adult period.
When I closed the door I saw an ad for Mike's mom's store. I dog-eared the page. I wasn't looking as I walked over to my bed and flopped down. But eventually something green and flashy caught my eye.
I looked up and gasped. My prom dress was hanging on the back of my closet door. There were tears in my eyes as I walked over and ran a shaky finger across the beaded bodice.
My mom was a superhero.
There was a soft knock at my door. "Bella?" My mom's muffled voice asked.
"Yes?" I choked.
She pushed open the door and peeked around at me. "I know that Edward can't be here," her eyes were apologetic about that fact. I sniffed and nodded sadly. "But I couldn't bear to see you give that up." She nodded toward the dress.
I was instantly calculating the new price of the dress. I had bought it on sale—but when I returned it the prices had been jacked back up. Mom must have spent most of this month's check on it.
"I'll pay you back for it mom." I promised. I looked around my room for my purse. I couldn't give her all of it this month. But I would give her what I could.
"Bella," She was standing behind me and putting her hands on my shoulders. "Bella, please. You don't have to worry about it sweetie." My tears were flowing by the time she put her hands on my cheeks. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be her. My kid would be more fucked up than I was.
"Oh honey," She hugged me as the tortured sobs broke free. It had been so long since I let my mom hold me like this. So long since I felt I needed her to reassure me. I felt guilty for that. Felt guilty for the fact that I had pushed her away so hard, and now I couldn't even take advantage of the love she was offering me.
"Thanks mom." I whispered when she pulled back to look me in the eyes. I averted mine back to the dress. It was an emerald like green that turned almost blue in some lights. Edward would have loved to see me in it.
"I love you Bella." She said and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself ten years old and not fifteen with a baby.
When she left I fell on to the floor in a heap of emotions and fears. I pulled out my phone.
"Jazz?" He answered with his usual available self. "You going to the prom?" He reminded me that Alice had agreed to go with Ben last week, so he had two tickets and no real desire to attend. "Well, you better go get that tux… Cuz you're taking me now instead."
-**-Bookends-**-
(Prom)
I blocked out most of the night at prom. There were only two moments that meant anything at all to me. The first was when I was standing on the dance floor talking to Edward while Jazz stood in for him.
Edward and I didn't really talk anymore. I had no idea what it was he was hiding on his end. But I knew there was something. Maybe it was shit with Tanya again. And maybe it was just some need to protect me against feeling bad that he was gone. But he was more guarded now than he ever had been before.
But he told me all the things his hands would have been doing to me if he were here. It was strange. Rose read about it in one of the thousands of books that she insisted on studying after we got back home. But I was… feeling more and more… ready for sex as my body started changing. Rose said it was kind of normal. Increased hormones meant stimulations that could lead to an increase in sex drive. And I wasn't some horny cat in heat—but standing this close to Jazz while Edward talked about feeling me up was making me… a little hot.
I excused my self when that song was done. Jazz was too busy checking out Alice and Ben dancing on the opposite side of the room. What the fuck was up with Al was beyond me these days. My hormone laden mind was too full of every one of my shitty problems to really give a damn.
I found my way out to the balcony. Luckily there was no one there. The night air was soothing. I had hung up from Edward only moments before I wandered out here. And as I did whenever I found myself in places like this, I felt very alone.
I fingered my stomach. There was the slightest little bump rising from my abdomen now. Still too subtle for anyone to really see. But it was a sign. It meant I needed to think of that future a lot faster. My muscles squeezed—it was beginning to feel like business as usual. I had so much fucking stress in my life right now that my body feeling it was just like breathing to me now.
The second thing I remember about prom happened out on that quiet balcony.
"You look so beautiful tonight Bella." I turned when I heard Mike's voice over the music. He didn't look to bad himself.
"Ditto." I said smiling at him. Mike had come to the prom with his college aged girlfriend, Jessica. There was a time a few years ago when I might have felt weird being out here with Mike.
But Mike had matured a lot over the years too. He stopped wanting that thing to happen between us—that we have so much history we should naturally be together thing. Because that was Edward's thing with me. Mike accepted that we would just forever be good friends.
He leaned on the rail next to me. We stared at the stars in silence. Nice. Quiet.
"So," he peeked over at me. "I hear you're planning on testing out at the end of the year?" I smiled deviously at him. I hated high school no less than any other teenager. But I was able to get out early. Mike had never hidden his jealously over that.
"Yeah, I promise to leave bread crumbs on my way out though." He laughed.
"You do that Bella." He playfully punched my shoulder. I looked at Mike with different eyes for a moment. Maybe it was the hormones. Or maybe it was the fact that for the first time in months I didn't feel so stressed out and upset that I was ready to throw up. But I actually thought about what it would have been like to be Mike's girl. To be here at the prom with safe little unassuming Mike. We would probably be out here, making out, and I probably would have felt happy about it.
Something really stupid came over me. It had to be the chemically imbalanced brain. Maybe the hyper sexual desire in my body. And definitely the part of me that was screaming I needed an alibi. But I leaned in a kissed him.
Fucking put my lips against his.
Fuck. We pushed me off of him with wide eyes. I knew what he was thinking.
He was seeing Edward's terrifying face as he pummeled him to the ground. He excused himself without acknowledging the action. I sighed when he was gone. I was so fucking crazy. I put my hand on my stomach and patted my child with a heavy heart.
Sorry baby. You're probably going to be a little fucked up too. The moon was shoved behind some thick clouds and I started to silently cry.
I pulled out my phone and pushed send.
"Hey baby," his voice was like velvet. I closed my eyes and tried to force the words from my lips. I'm pregnant. I couldn't.
"I miss you so much Edward." He could hear the tears in my voice. And then I could hear the emotions in his.
"Talk to me Bella." I said a lot of things to him—but like usual, we didn't talk. I went to bed that night, drained. My fists were balled and I awoke only hours later from the most disturbing nightmare.
I was sitting in a nursery holding a beautiful little boy. He had chocolate brown eyes and a perfect little nose.
I could hear Edward's lullaby that he had written for me playing from a distant room. I hummed along and my son cooed in response to my voice.
Suddenly I heard a car pull up. And the front door opened and closed. "Honey I'm home," the strong voice of my husband called. Both mother and child were excited with the anticipation of the man's arrival.
I stood with a desire to rush into his arms. My baby boy was giggling and dancing in my arms for the same reason.
The door opened and he stepped inside. I threw myself into his arms and he laughed.
"Always so eager to see your man!" I laughed along with him. Deep in my heart I knew that was true. I kissed his lips tenderly and pulled back to look into his eyes.
"I always have been. You know I've always loved you." I said with the truest voice.
I awoke screaming as Mike leaned in to kiss me again. Not Edward—Mike Newton.
Fuck.