Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 21: The Sound of Silence

-**-Bookends-**-

Hello darkness my old friend,

I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence…

-Paul Simon (Sound of Silence)

-**-Bookends-**-

Preface:

He stood next to me but we were no longer together. "You know that I never meant to hurt you."

My throat choked at the confession. I had hurt him so much deeper and for so much longer than he'd ever know. But I couldn't wish away the pain that was burning my flesh just beneath the surface. He may not have meant to, but he killed me succinctly.

"I know." I lied. My eyes did not well up with tears. I could feel it- my heart had stop wanting to cry. I couldn't even shed a tear over the loss of the greatest love my heart had ever known.

"Bella, I'll do whatever you want. Please. Just tell me. If you want to work through this..." He raised his hands to place them on my arms.

I shrunk back. "I don't want you…" My words were terse and sharp. It was irrational but my skin felt raw at the thought of him touching me. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel what his betrayal felt like to me.

When my resolute eyes met his- my confidence wavered. His eyes were... grief-stricken. This was a death to him. He would shoulder the blame and he would... believe me.

My eyes saw red.

Edward never believed himself worthy of me. He believed this time we had together was like every other good thing in his life- fleeting. My heart broke all over again to see that belief shining in his eyes.

Again my anger raged. How could he truly believe me after all we have gone through? After all that I fought against and survived to shield him from the cruel reality of this world. How could he really think... no know, that I would be capable of falling out of loving him.

That just pissed me off. "Go away." I whispered.

I heard him whimper my name, "Bella..." it was a sad, solitary breathless plea. It was all the fight he had left to try to hold me to him. It was... pathetic. I pushed away and turned to head off to the apartment. I would be gone before he returned—he'd give me the respect of my privacy while I packed.

I waited for it... for the tears to come. Waited for some gut wrenching guilt to take hold and cripple my body from leaving his side.

It never came.

I suppose that's what happens when you die. When you are an evil creature who roams this world after death- some anti-human who no longer has a soul inside her body.

It had been wrong for me to continue to drain the life from his world. Wrong for me to pretend that I could be a whole human once more just by having his arms around me while I slept.

It was my fault. My weakness. And I would rid him of it now. Like the purging of a venom that was poisoning his system, my leaving would save his life. He could be free to live- While I slipped away to die quietly.

I took one last look around the small apartment before I left. Nothing of me remained. I even made sure to throw out my soap and to spray air freshener around- not even my scent would remain behind to torment him.

I closed the door with a silent click and stepped in to the elevator. When he got home I would be removed from his life forever. He would not find my socks bunched by the bedside to annoy him anymore. He would not see my wadded pages of unfinished chapters lying by the desk in the corner. My pillow was not on his bed. My bras were not mixed with his boxers. It would be a clean break for him...

A new hope.

A new life.

It would be as if I never existed.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (present day)

A heartbeat.

Mine.

Thump.

Thump. Thump.

Thump. Thump. Beep.

Everything was white. Too much light. So much sound that the noise was white washing against my ears.

Nothing.

Thump. Thump.

Thump.

Was I breathing?

Thump. Thump.

I didn't want to be breathing.

Thump. Thump.

"It's in distress…"

Thump. "Get me…" Thump. "We've got to get her in to surgery now…"

Thump. Thump.

"The placenta…" Thump. "Detached…"

Thump. Thump. Beep.

"Move her on three… " Thump.

"One..." Thump. Thump.

"Two..." Thump.

"Three..." I was lifted in the air—was I going to heaven?

Thump. I felt the earth rise up to hold me here a minute longer- No I was chained back to the fires of hell.

"There is no…" Thump. "Get her prepped…"

Thump.

"The baby?"

Thump.

"No, hope…"

Thump. Thump.

"We are fighting to save her now…"

Thump.

Poisonous liquid- a venom smoothed into my veins to numb everything. It was a hauntingly slow feeling of death. There must have been pain. I couldn't feel it. I no longer was capable of feeling something as basic as pain.

I was wrapped in a blanket of freezing agony that secured a fiery torture just below the surface of my skin. The world was black and red. Some machine moved air into my lungs for I no longer had the desire to do so myself. I waited for the darkness to move across my body and claim my eyes. Seconds before I was blissfully unconscious, I heard the words that would lock me in my own personal hell inside my mind forever.

"Mark the time of death at 12:02 a.m…"

Thump… Beep….Beep…. Beep….

-**-Bookends-**-

CPOV (the day before Edward's birthday)

"Are you sure you don't want to stay home?" I couldn't believe it when Alice volunteered to fly with me this morning. She seemed very eager actually. It was surprising, and refreshing. We had sort of been split up for a while. There was so much drama surrounding everything else that my poor little Alice just seemed to get lost in the fray.

She wound her fingers through mine like she used to do when she was a little girl. And smiled up at me with her blue eyes dancing. "Yes Daddy, I'm sure."

I smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead. I would never get tired of hearing her call me Daddy.

"So, Allie, what are your big plans for the new line?" I tried to strike up a conversation once we were in the air. This was right. Natural. It was just like the old days with my daughter and me and our little trips all over the country.

I had flown Alice to every designer school and fashion week imaginable back then. Even Esme used to warn that I was spoiling her—but it was my little girl and it was her dream and I could help make it happen. There was no such thing as too much support in my book.

"I don't know." She said watching the clouds and shrugging her shoulders. It really was amazing. Though fashion, which had once been the very breath in her body, had taken a back seat lately—it was like my old Alice was coming back to me these days. I had noticed a shift in her around New Year's—something had troubled her and pushed a gap between us. But lately she seemed to be more and more like the old Alice, maybe just a little more mature. I just wondered why.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah Allie."

"I know." I turned to her to try to puzzle out what she meant. And when I looked at her… I saw Mary sitting next to me. I saw a girl with questions burning in her heart but trust welling in her eyes.

I choked. "Okay." I was terrified. My first thought was to keep my mind on flying. I would not harm her by losing my head while our lives were in my hands. That being said, I switched to autopilot and drown in a cold sweat.

I had had many fears in my life. When I was young I feared death by my father's hand. I feared a sharp object cutting my skin and sending me into the emergency room night after night. When I was a teenager I feared some guy hurting my sister. Later I would fear my sister herself. Then I met Mary and Esme and I feared ever having to admit who I really loved. Because I was Mary's first but I would be Esme's always. But fear was something so basic that it could never define how I felt eleven years ago when I brought Alice home.

I was ashamed, petrified, anguished at the thought that I would ever lose her again. And if she was talking about what I knew she was talking about… FUCK. I couldn't lose her again.

My lips locked up. My mind froze. It was disgustingly selfish—but I couldn't force my body to say it. She deserved better.

"Daddy," I didn't turn to look at her, or give her any verbal clue that I could hear her. I felt a tiny hand settle over mine. I looked down at it. Alice was so petit. She was nearly a woman, but her hands still looked like the ones that had reached for me in that fucking hellhole the day I found her. "It's okay."

My heart jumped in my chest at her words. I didn't deserve it. She deserved a parent who could fucking reassure her. But here she was—taking care of me. And fuck, but it was a relief. Guilt washed through me as I continued to not look at her. I had spent so much effort all of my life taking care of everyone around me while no one gave a fuck about me. It was selfish, but I hungered for this moment that my fifteen year old daughter had the guts to give me.

"Thank you." She whispered.

I looked at her then. She was crying. Gentle quiet tears and it was then that I realized I was crying too. I nodded my head.

"I…I…" My eyes searched the controls as if the answers were there and I just couldn't see them.

"I know." She said rubbing her hand back and forth over my arm. "I don't blame you. Or hate you. I just… need you. And," I looked back at her. Those damn eyes were so full of love that my heart broke for all the years I kept this secret. All the years I fooled myself into thinking that she would be just like her mother. That she would hate me and leave me.

"I'll always be there for you baby." I interrupted. She smiled with sparkling eyes of pride. Though I was truly the proud one in this moment. So fucking proud of my kids and their strong hearts. It must have been something they came up with on their own. I was a fucking moron with these sorts of things.

She patted my arm again. "I know that too Daddy. But what I mean is that… I need you to be okay with me and Jazz. I've had some time to think about it… and I want to trust him. No, I know I can trust him. And I want you to be okay with that."

If I believed that Edward would really do the things he threatened to do to me if I told anyone about Jazz's first adoption before he could tell Jazz himself, I would never have told her. But Alice and I were done with keeping secrets. At least on my end.

I started to speak and she held her hand up to stop me. "I know that we are first cousins but… that really only matters if we want to have kids, and Jazz and I don't ever want to have kids." For a second I was a little angry at that omission. Alice would be a great mother. I could see I had some work to do to bring her around to understanding why she would change her mind someday. I really wanted to be a grandpa—and… fuck! There I went being selfish again. Would I force this poor kid to have kids just to satisfy that desire? No.

I shook my head. "Well sweetheart…. I have something else I think you should know…"

She sat back in her seat and listened—with her knees pulled up under her chin and that one hand still on my arm.

"Wow." She eventually said. It was no less of a shock still for me. I had always known that Tanya led a fucked up life—but that was… inexcusable.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah baby?" Her face got that far off look. I could tell that she was storing Jazz's past away and coming back around to her own. I prepared myself for the worst. I knew it was too fucking much to ask for her not to have questions. Fucking prick! I promised I would be there for her—here it went.

"What did you mean about not being able to keep me?"

I looked over at her with my own questions burning in my eyes. She heard me say that? She had discovered this from a conversation that I had? I racked my brain to remember who I had spoken to about this. I never talked to anyone about it. I never even kept pictures of Mary in the house for fear that Alice would see the resemblance. I ran through her exact words trying to match them to a moment…. A time that I said it just like that…

FUCK.

"Allie? Were you…" Fucking hell! Was there a child alive who hadn't walked in on Esme and I having sex that day?

Her cheeks grew pink and she looked down at her hands that were in her lap now. "Yeah." She breathed. She peeked over at me and I just rolled my eyes.

"What I meant, was that Mary…" I looked over at her. Her face was complacent in attention. "Your mother." Fuck a huge weight floated off of my chest form just saying those words. I sighed. "She took you away from me while she was pregnant. She took you across the Canadian border and had you there under a false name. She had her boyfriend at the time sign as the legal father on your birth certificate. When I found you… I couldn't petition to have you named mine legally because I had no idea who the guy was… and by then… Mary had… died."

Her little lips parted in understanding. "So, you just adopted me straight off… because…"

"I didn't know his name sweetie. If I had even a first name, or a picture, I swear to you that I would have fought as long as it took with as money as it took to get my name on that document. I AM you father. But… I never knew his name." I had never felt as inadequate as I did at that moment. I could transplant a heart from one body to another. I could triumph over Edward in a three hour chess match. I could make Esme, the most controlling tightly wound woman in the world, lose her fucking mind with sexual release in her own workplace. But I couldn't find out anything about that bastard that stole her from me all those years ago.

Records are sealed. Alice could look at them if she wanted. But there was a part of me that feared that fight. Feared what I do to that motherfucker if I ever found him. I was not always a gentle man.

"James." She breathed, so low that I almost missed it. She turned to me with sad eyes. "His name was James. And…" Her hand went back on top of mine once more. Sometimes with Alice it was difficult to remember which one of us was the parent. "There is no need to fight anything Dad." She squeezed my hand and went back to watching the clouds. "I am and always have been a Cullen. Case closed."

She nodded once and I knew she meant it. Drop it old man. Don't mess with the moment.

When we landed in Seattle… I was feeling almost a little light headed. The world seemed to be lining up so easily that that cloud of foreboding just had to be on my horizon.

The boys were officially mine. Jazz and Alice could be together. Alice knew about her past and she forgave me for being a horrible fucking father who lied to her. Bella and Edward would be together again. And… I closed my eyes and inhaled the fresh breath of the cool air… And Esme was finally mine.

It was a long, long road, but I believed for the first time in my life that I could finally be happy.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (the day before his birthday.)

Why Carlisle always insisted on picking me up was beyond me. I think he just liked an excuse to the fly his jet. I laughed to myself as I packed. You had to just fucking love Carlisle.

I went through my room meticulously. The last time that I had moved out I had felt no desire to even return to this room. But now… I was older. I could appreciate my childhood for what it was. The time before Bella.

My sketches and my music were placed in my backpack, along with Jazz's paperwork. I sighed as I caught sight of the large envelope again. I refused to relay anything about it over the phone- my brother deserved to hear about this in person. It was just one more reason I was glad that I was going home. There were too many secrets floating out in space right now. My heart would be lighter once I could let Bella know the truth—and once my baby brother could see this.

Fuck. I stood in the middle of the room and said goodbye. This tiny little space had been a sanctuary for me. It was the only place where I felt safe before I moved to Forks. It was the place that Jazz and I ran to, to shut out the world. I looked around the room with older eyes. I could see Jazz sitting on a pile of clothes under the window—his fucking all knowing face dancing with laughter as we talked about the girls. That reminded me.

I crawled on to my bed and reached back behind the headboard. They were still there.

Every letter that Bella Swan had sent me. My one regret when I left three years ago was that I hadn't returned to take these. I held the folded pages to my lips. I'm coming baby. I thought.

I felt the lurch in my stomach again. I had been having it all day. Fuck if I was being totally fucking honest with myself I would admit that I had been having it since that day I talked to her on the phone.

Fuck. Bella was sad. I was fucking making her sad. I slipped the letters in my backpack- they were the second most fucking precious things to me in this world. I put the pack on my shoulder and sat back down on the bed.

Bella had never been in this room. She had never visited this house. It was some dark fucking secret that I always ran from. That fucked up part of me that I never wanted her to see- lest she figure out what a fucking loss it was to waste her time with me.

I saw the space for what it was now- just a room. Just four walls and some furniture. Everything in my life from now on would be just something until I gave it meaning. I would not allow this house to control me any longer. Tanya had her shit to work through. I had made my motherfucking peace with mine—because in less than twenty four hours I would have the reason for my existence in my arms forever. And nothing would fucking tear her from me again.

When I came downstairs Phil was standing by the door. He was an interesting man. I really wanted to fucking hate him. I felt like Bella was my basis for comparison here and she could curse Renee till the sun went down. So I had no other fucking way to relate to Phil. But the fucker refused to give me something to work with. He was nice. He was attentive. Fuck! He gave me my space and never fucking bothered me. I really fucking wished that he had come in to our lives sooner. Maybe with a guy like Phil around... fuck! There was a fucking catch-22. If we had had Phil around, we never would have ended up in Forks. I never would have gotten in to Bella's bed three years ago.

I'd take every minute of fucking shit that Tanya threw at me back then again if it meant I still got to have my life with Bella. Take the good with the motherfucking bad. She was fucking worth it.

"Edward." Phil said reaching out his hand. I stared at it for a minute and realized he wanted to shake mine. Fuck. I must look like a fucking moron to normal people. I couldn't trust anything for what it was.

Tanya… Mom was standing by the door talking to Carlisle. I had to fucking bite my cheek not to laugh out loud. She was acting the sweet fucking little sister. Caring mother and shit. And I could tell—mostly because he never fucking hid anything from his kids—that Carlisle was trying not to fucking punch her in the face.

Fucking do it, Carlisle. I thought. His eyes darted to my face as if he had heard me. I smirked. Our genetically shared crooked smile spread across his face for a moment and then his eyes jumped to Phil's face. Fuck. True, Phil would probably have a problem with Tanya losing a tooth. Bitch deserved it though.

She handed Carlisle a package. I raised my eyebrows as I stepped closer. Carlisle cleared his throat and hid the mystery before I could ask anything about it.

"Are you ready son?" I didn't miss the fucking smug glint in his eyes when he said that. It was the closest thing to a hit he would get in to her. Tanya's face fell slightly when he said it. Because when he said it, he meant it.

"Yah." I said quietly nodding. He nodded too and said goodbye to Phil.

Mom turned to me. Any other fucking mother and son would not feel such a great importance at a moment like this. Fuck, any other mother and son would want to be in each other's lives. But she knew there was no fucking way that I was coming back here once I left. And there was absolutely no fucking way that I was dragging Bella down to her level either.

"Goodbye Edward." She said with as much fucking love as I had ever heard from her. It didn't change me. I still didn't fucking trust her. But… some lost part of my heart was a little relieved to hear it. The love. I never really thought I deserved it. Or some shit like that.

"Bye. Mom." I said through tight lips. I wished it was more than just a word. Mom. I knew what father's looked like. I had a great example waiting for me just outside the house. But I wondered if I would ever get to know what a mom should be.

She reached her arms out for a hug. Fuck. I held her gingerly—it was the only hug I remember getting from her since Ed died. At first it was just really fucking awkward. Then I heard her breath hitch and I felt her slight weight in my arms and for some fucking reason I was thinking about Bella again. Bella would make the best damn fucking mom in the world. Someday. Together—we would be the best fucking parents one day. And we wouldn't fuck our kids up to the point that they were terrified to hug us.

I leaned out of the hug and ducked out of the house without another word. Fuck. I was actually choking back tears. Carlisle made a point of giving me my fucking space when we got into the cab.

We didn't talk and I was surprised as all fuck to find that fucking little pixie bitch sitting on the jet when we got to the airport.

"Hi," she said with her typical smile. It made me smile. It made my fucking heart sing. I was looking at my officially new little sister.

I reached down and scooped her up out of the chair and gave her a hug that even Emmett would be fucking proud of. She was giggling when I sat her back down.

"All right you two." Carlisle…Dad, said. "Take your seats so that I can get ready for take off."

Al sat next to me and was a non fucking stop chatterbox. It was kind of nice. It was kind of weird. She had been all fucking Emo for the last couple of months before I left. And whenever Jazz or Bella had spoken about her while I was gone it was simply to say she was acting weird.

"What the fucks up squirt?" I finally got my word in.

She laughed. "You are gonna be very happy to see Bella, I think." She smiled her all fucking knowing smile at me. Fuck. I had not missed that.

"Spill Alice." I glared at her when she winked and shook her head.

"Nope. The surprise will be so much better."

"You know, for someone so small, you are hugely fucking annoying." She laughed.

I rolled my eyes and watched Seattle disappear below us once more. I really fucking hoped, that unlike the previous time I thought it, this would be the last time I saw the godforsaken place.

"By the way Edward…" Alice said holding my hand. I scowled as it was not the hand I wanted to be holding right now. Bella… But listened anyway. "Did you know that Esme is moving in with us next week?"

I sat up straighter at that. What the fuck? "What the fuck?"

Alice laughed. "Well… Dad and she are pretty set in their relationship. I mean other than admitting what all of us have always known…" I nodded in agreement as she continued. "And Em and Rose…"

"Whose Rose?"

"Oh right… you weren't here." I glared at her for that. I was fucking too there. I wasn't allowed to live there but I NEVER left Forks. Bella held on to me for me. I was always there with her. "Rosalie J. Cullen. Is officially our new sister." She beamed at the name.

"Oh." I said realizing only because of the J who the fuck she was talking about. "Sounds a little fucking uppity to me." I said truthfully. I had a feeling that if I met a Rosalie in real life I would only piss her off.

Alice slapped my shoulder. Fucking pixie. "Edward!" She chided with a playful smile and tone. "I think it is lovely. And Bella loves it so shut up!" She stuck out her tongue and I chuckled. "Anyway, they need a house and Esme is giving them hers. Em and Rose are heading into what they call her real life experience phase. This is the part where Rose proves that she can live a life as a woman and if she can do this for a year with her hormones therapy and psychological sessions…" Alice held up both hands with fingers crossed. I mimicked her with a mocking smile.

"Don't fucking do that Edward." Ouch the bitch could bite. "That is not fair. You would never want someone making fun of a future that you dreamt for. You wouldn't want us all doing that whenever you talked about Bella."

Fuck. She had me there. "You fucking have me there Al." I patted her knee and leaned over to kiss her forehead. Why the fuck I did that I have no idea.

"Sorry." I said turning to stare out the window.

"Don't mention it… Dad." She said with a giggle in her voice.

"What is it Allie?" Dad called from the cockpit. We looked at each other and laughed.

"Nothing Dad!" We yelled in unison.

We sat in silence the rest of the way there. It was 11:45 pm. Dad said we would touch down in Forks at exactly 12:01 am—exactly one minute after I turned eighteen. Fucking Carlisle. He promised Esme I wouldn't come home until I was eighteen. It was so typical for him to have me there only one minute after his promise was kept.

I rested my head back against the seat and pictured my perfect little Bella. I could see her sleeping in our tree house. Laughing as we danced in the rain on the docks. Closing her eyes and sighing as she let me enter her perfect naked body.

I clenched my jaw and balled my fists. Fuck that was fast. I hadn't been able to really feel any sort of sexual desire while I was away from her. I hadn't even felt the need to fucking jack off once—I had almost forgotten what a hard on felt like. But give me twenty fucking minutes of peace and one memory of her fucking perky breast bouncing above me.

Fuck. "Excuse me Alice." I mumbled with a gruff voice as the sweat broke out on my forehead.

"You okay?" She asked worried. I grunted and ran to the bathroom.

There was not much fucking room in the little space and I bit down on my check to keep myself from making any sounds. This was going to be fucking painful—fucking good.

All at once I was bombarded with visions of Bella—her breasts, her stomach, her lips… fuck her lips. There wasn't enough room to do anything but open my fly and hold myself while standing over the toilet.

Fuck. If Bella could see me now… she would drop my ass so fast. I was frantic and fucking throbbing. My eyes were rolling back in my head and when I finally came it was hard and sharp.

I slid down to the floor against the door—cramped and crippled. Fuck that was good. So fucking good—my body was fucking twitching from the release. But not as good as Bella. I was gasping for air but I was higher than a fucking kite. I wondered if you got to consider yourself a member of the mile high club if you did it by yourself. You are fucking disgusting Cullen. I laughed. Cullen. My name was officially Edward Cullen. Fuck me. I laughed. Just did.

"Edward?" Alice knocked lightly as she spoke. I looked down at my naked cock and rolled my eyes. Zero to sixty I supposed. My life was flying so fast back to the bliss that was waiting for me in Forks that I could barely control any part of my body.

"I'll be out in a minute Alice." My voice was dark and hoarse. Fuck. I wouldn't rush her in to it. Bella was still very young—fuck, what we had done was stupid at best, and we were fucking lucky considering the fact that we hadn't used a condom. But sex… fuck. I stroked myself again as I felt my body wanting more. Sex with Bella was going to become my new religion. Some guys watched sports channels—I would just have mind blowing sex with my girlfriend. The thought made me giddy.

"Edward?" Alice said again. I grunted as I released for the second time. "We are going to land in a minute."

Fuck a minute. I zipped up and cleaned up my mess. When I opened the door it was like I was fucking Dorothy walking into a Technicolor world. Gone was my fucking grey and white existence with no fucking meaning. I was officially an adult and I was going home. To Bella.

I smiled as I melted into my seat. So fucking satisfied that is was ridiculous. Fuck. The world was a beautiful place.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (1 am Edward's birthday.)

There was something lying across my face. Some cold tube pressed into my nostrils. I tried to blow through my nose harder to eject it. But I had no strength.

My body felt numb. Like a two-ton elephant was sitting on top of me. I couldn't remember anything. There was a dark haze that was lying across my memory. For a second I waited for Em to tell me something else about Edward's impending arrest. I was positive I was in the hospital because I had taken that pill. The little blue fucking pill.

That's what Edward was mad about. Last night—when he stood over me with his angry eyes. He was mad about me fucking up his life. And I did. I took that pill. I nearly died. I made him take the blame. I ended up here… I fucking followed him up to that tree house. I fucking forced him to have sex…

"AHHH!" I sat up in bed like someone had shot me in the back. I was screaming so hard and so loud that my mouth hung open and saliva dripped on to my legs. I didn't fucking care. I couldn't do anything but scream. My body was expelling—everything.

Every stupid mistake I had made. Every single time my stomach had cramped. Every single second from the moment he came inside of me. It was gone. Aborted naturally by my own fucking body.

I tore at the shit that was shoved into me. The needles in my arm and the tube in my nose. Fuck! It was all there to help keep this body alive. I didn't want to keep this fucking body alive. It betrayed me. It fucking let me down. I'd show it. I'd fucking kill it the way it killed my baby.

I was a snarling beast—a ravenous wolf as I tore at my own flesh. How the fuck could it do this to me? How the fuck could my own body get rid of the promise I was suppose to keep for Edward. The one fucking thing I could keep safe for him. Protect for him. And my own body was the asshole who robbed me of that.

FUCK!

"BELLA!" Jazz was shrieking next to me. Two male nurses with strong hands restrained me back. I thrashed back and forth. My legs kicked at nothing and everything. I was grunting and growling like a wild dog.

"No!" I yelled. "I jus… you don't… get off of me!" I was possessed. I wanted- had to kill this body. I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. Not now. Not that it had killed my precious baby.

"Bella, calm down." Jazz was pleading. But what did it mean. Calm? How could I even understand that word anymore? My baby was gone. I could feel it. My body was empty. Fucking traitor!

Gone. Loss. Hollow. Fuck. Hell.

I was in hell. I was burning. The room was spinning. I felt the venom in my veins again.

"No…" I moaned. The sound was weak. Already the hands were removed because I couldn't move. I tried. Every inch of me strained against the poison. But my lids were already heavy. I blinked once and I was out. Floating in the darkness.

-**-Bookends-**-

I awoke to a beeping. I knew it all too well. Unlike every other time I had ever awoken in a hospital, this time I was crystal clear in my memory.

I opened my eyes slowly. "Jazz?" asked with a hoarse voice. My throat felt like I had been screaming for hours. Maybe I had. I only remembered waking up once, but maybe I had had that episode many times and I was blending them all together.

"Hey Bella." He breathed next to me. I didn't look at him. My eyes were cold and dry. I couldn't cry. I was just numb. Empty. Hollow. Dead.

"When can I go home?" I wouldn't talk about it. I couldn't talk about it. It happened. Let's move on. I needed to get home. I needed… fuck I no longer knew what I was going to do.

I blinked my lids rapidly—waiting for the tears that never fell.

"Actually they said once you woke up you could leave. Your… vitals are healthy and Renee is waiting in the waiting room to sign you out. All in all…" Poor Jazz. He really was trying. He had so much on his shoulders now. And I couldn't help him with that anymore. I was shutdown.

"Okay." I said quietly. "Where are my clothes?" Jazz rebounded from my bluntness and retrieved the clothes for me and then helped me out of bed. I glared at the needle mark on my hand when I got in to the bathroom. I would have to wear a band aid over it for a couple of days so as not to draw attention. Luckily I was a klutz by nature so it wouldn't seem too odd.

I got dressed. Mechanical. Auto pilot.

And I stood by the door after I came out. I had no desire to return to that bed. Jazz just nodded and led me out.

Renee kissed my cheek. I was in a catatonic stupor. Maybe I was just finally in the realist reality. The fantasies of childhood finally cast off and the cold naked light of the world sucked all the color and feeling from everything.

Jazz didn't try to talk to me in the car. Or maybe he did. I didn't know. I wasn't capable of anything anymore. I just watched as the rain began to fall on the window. I rolled mine down and stuck out my hand. I couldn't feel the cold. I held my hand out in the falling drops of ice so long that it was red and limp when I finally drew it back in. But it didn't feel any different to me than it had when I first stuck it out there.

Numb. Cold. Dead. That was me now.

When we got to our house it was noon. Edward had been eighteen for twelve hours now. Edward. My heart wanted to feel something at the thought of his name. In fact it was the most that my mind and body had tried to feel at all since I had awoken. But even the thought him could not change this silent heart of mine.

Jazz said nothing to me as I left him. Again, maybe he did, my ears were pretty useless to me now. All I could hear was the beating of my heart—it was odd. I couldn't feel it beating but I could hear it.

I climbed straight up to the tree house. I didn't exist anywhere else. I was soaking wet and my body shook—probably from the cold that I couldn't feel. I sat with my knees against my chest.

I thought about nothing. Just white. Blank. Empty. Numb.

Suddenly I felt a warmth spreading around me. From behind two bands of unimaginable heat spread out and wrapped around my shivering form. I leaned back against the furnace that was now stilling my body and granting me relief from the cold. My heart even began to feel a little warm from the pulse of the heat behind me.

"Hey baby." The most beautiful voice in the world whispered in my ear. Fuck. I finally did it. I finally lost my fucking mind. Again I waited for the tears to come. If there ever was a moment to cry—it should be when you realize you are insane right?

"Bella." Edward's voice whispered again. I whimpered. I would take this insanity with all my strength. I would rather be here in my crazy head than out there in the cold. I felt like the warmth was moving all over my body—rubbing, stroking, stoking a fire in me that encouraged my limbs to thaw and start to beat with their own warmth once more.

"I miss you Edward." I breathed. It was true. There was no emotion in the flat voice that was generated from my throat. But there was a truth to the words.

"I'm right here baby." I nodded against the dream. Here he would always be. I made him that promise.

I sighed. I rested my head back once more. My mind froze. I lifted my head and knocked it back again. Funny. I may not have had much experience with being fully crazy before but this dream was getting pretty damn substantial. I kept beating my head back against the solid form of my fantasy.

"Bella, could you fucking cut that out?"

My whole body froze. Fuck. Everything inside of me welled up for tears. And I actually felt hot streams run down my cheeks. I looked down to find Edward's arms wrapped around me. My hands slapped on top of his and my heart sped. My lungs drew in heavy amounts of air to taste his scent all around me.

"Edward." I whispered. I spun to find my dream smiling down at me.

"Fuck." I mouthed. He chuckled. It was too much. Or maybe just enough. Fuck. I was falling apart. Tears I didn't realize I was ready to purge were torn from me. Edward just scooped me up and laid us down on the mattress.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I kept chanting softly as the tears continued to blur my vision. I fisted my hands in his shirt and held on tight.

"Shh…" he said soothingly. He rocked me. He held me. He kissed every inch of my face. His hands never ceased their rubbing and soothing of my skin. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in the crook of his neck.

I had no idea how long we staid there like that. But once the tears were slowing and the sun faded completely behind the clouds we lay in peace and quiet. His hands still lightly ran over my back and arms. And my breath still hitched and hiccupped occasionally. But there were no words.

Eventually we fell asleep. I could feel the numbness just beyond the warmth, so I pulled myself tighter against Edward—and he in turn tightened his arms around me. When his heat radiated in to my body it staved off the threat of the nothingness to return. I felt almost human again.

It was wrong. I should have told him. I needed him in so many ways. But right now I would reduce myself to being a demon. His body created something that I craved to survive. Telling him the truth might push him away—and then I would lose what I needed so desperately from him right now. Soon. Someday. Eventually I would tell him. Right now I would be a vampire and feed off the warmth and promise of his body.

I nestled my face against his neck and planted my lips against his flesh. It was almost like being human.