Bookends

by Bella'sExecutioner

AH/AU Edward and Bella are two lost souls in a sea of lost souls… but love conquers all. Right? Rated M for harsh language/Lemons/Slash/mature content/Drug Use. The story spans the lives of these characters.

23. What a good boy

Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 23: What a good boy

-**-Bookends-**-

"When I was born, they looked at me and said
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.
We've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
when temptation calls, we just look away."

(Barenaked Ladies)

-**-Bookends-**-

CPOV (a week before Edward leaves for Boston)

It was a little surreal, even now, to accept my reality. With the childhood I had… happiness never seemed obtainable. I smoothed my hand over Esme's sofa in my living room.

It was like the two worlds that I had lived between were finally coming together.

-**-Bookends-**-

(Forks 1981)

"You and Tanya shut the fuck up today. You get me kid?" My father's beer staled breath pushed past his lips and stung my nose. I nodded my head fast and averted my eyes to my baby sister.

She was small enough to still need a car seat but my father was an evil man. Tanya was pretending to sleep-lucky her. He slammed the door as he headed across the street to the bank.

I sighed. Eight years old and the weight of the world already on my shoulders. Mom used to tell me I was a grown up stuck in a kid's body.

I could see my mother's eyes in my mind. She was always so sad. I wondered if people could see that sadness in my eyes now too.

I watched the sleepy town of Forks, Washington pass around our beat up car. No one seemed to notice us. Good. I'd been worried that moving to a small town would make us subject of scrutiny.

The one thing kids who hide the signs of an abusive parent don't like is being seen.

Across the street, cattycorner to the bank was a park. Well really it was just a large patch of grass with two benches but I believed in Forks it must be thought a park. There was a small group of kids playing there. Some of them older than me, but most of them looked to be my age.

I didn't wonder if any of these kids would be in my class. There weren't enough kids in this town to make up more than one school. I watched. Wishing I was a normal kid. Desperate to just be able to run and jump and play and scream—for something other than true fear.

My eye was drawn to the one child standing alone on the grass. She didn't look sad, she just looked… content to be alone. Curious. Tanya wiggled in her sleep. I ignored her.

I found myself entranced by the lone girl.

Her chestnut hair framed a heart shaped face. And her rosy cheeks looked as if they'd been kissed by her pink bud of a mouth. I couldn't see the color of her eyes but even from this distance I could see that she was happy. She glowed as she watched the other children play. She inched closer to one of the benches and I realized what she reminded me of- the mothers. She looked just like all of the mothers sitting there watching their children play. She had to be only a few years younger than me—and she was already more an adult than any of the other kids.

Something told me I would get along with that girl. I was no child myself.

A squad car pulled up next to the bank. And simply from the shade and slight curl to the chief's hair, I could tell he was the girl's father. She ran to him when he called her name. I wished that I could hear it. And the way her face lit up—I actually felt my lips pull into a smile.

I hadn't smiled in years. Though this smile was not some full goofy kid smile. This was the crooked smile that I hated to see on my father's face. But it was genuine. I was so wrapped up in the image of the smiling angel and her loving father that the loud knock on my window nearly gave me a heart attack.

I jumped and Tanya snorted in her sleep—though she went right back to dreaming without another word.

I cringed as I turned. What did Jack want now? He told us to shut the fuck up—to stay in the car. What was I doing wrong now?

I was practically ready to pull my hair out when my eyes found the light hazel ones staring back at me. This was another girl—closer to my age I presumed. And far less willing to be secluded than the angel across the street. This girl's cheeks were flushed but from excitement. And I could see she was missing two of her front teeth as she smiled and yelled "hi" through the glass to me. She waved her hand and giggled and that made the crooked smile peek back out. I liked this girl too. Well… I liked her. I wasn't sure like was the appropriate word for what I felt when I looked at the angel across the street.

I was lost in thought of the comparison when another loud rap on the window drew my attention. I nearly pissed myself to find the angel smiling quietly at me beside the excited girl. Brown. Her eyes were brown. And beautiful… and endless.

I was only eight years old. But I was lost in a profound moment in those eyes. The waving girl stood witless to the exchange, but I don't think it was lost on the angel.

What's your name? She mouthed. I smiled wider at that.

"Carlisle," I yelled. She smiled. I often wondered if I should hate my name. It was old fashioned but my mother had like old fashioned things. Anyway it wasn't Jack Jr. so I was pleased about that.

She mouthed her name… but I couldn't make sense of it. The excited girl was yelling Mary as if I had asked indicated curiosity in her name.

It was risky—stupid even, but I wanted to hear her name. I rolled the window down.

"Esme," she whispered. Esme. I liked it. It fit next to the old fashioned Carlisle.

She was something more real with the window down. Her scent—oranges...and flowers—was washing over me in waves. Both girls flinched at some sight on the other side of the car.

Fuck.

Jack was back. I rolled the window up quickly and the girls backed away from the car untouched but there was no way he hadn't noticed me talking to them. And there was no way I wasn't going to get blood on my new clothes tonight.

He said nothing as he got in to the driver's seat. But the anticipation of the pain was like an electric shock in my body. I caught a glimpse of the girls as well turned the corner and headed to my grandfather's old home.

Esme. Yes. I would pay for finding out her name. But it was worth it.

She was worth it.

-**-Bookends-**-

She lived next door.

Fuck.

Tanya sat under the giant tree that was the marker of the border between the Whitlock yard and the Cullen yard. And I just stood staring at the squad car. It was really rather ironic. She was the police chief's daughter—and my father was now living next door to her. My father—Jack Cullen. The man who sent me to the emergency room ten times last year with the evidence of his abuse.

Poetic almost.

Mom and Grandpa Cullen were looking out for me I supposed. With them both dying within a year of each other—and Grandpa leaving this house in trust for me… I just couldn't trust coincidence.

"Wha' big brothur?" Tanya was missing both of her front teeth. Not because she lost them naturally. It gave her a lisp that was endearing—to everyone but Jack.

"Nothing Tanya. Go inside and wash up. We have to see what there is for dinner."

I couldn't see her in the house. But I could feel her. It was like she was in the park—she was some watchful presence that soothed and protected from afar.

I liked the sensation.

"CARLISLE!" I jumped. Fuck.

What did I do now?

My breath sped and I searched the darkening woods behind the house for some secret passage away from this place. Even here in the quiet town of Forks—home to one of the most precious creatures I had ever seen. Even here Jack was an ass.

And I wasn't safe.

I turned to face his anger inside the privacy of the house. And as I did… I am sure I caught the hint of big brown eyes watching me from the window upstairs. I didn't turn to see. I didn't want her to see the shame ever present in my eyes.

Or the fear.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1983)

It was completely unavoidable—becoming friends with the girls. Mary refused to stay away from me as soon as I started school. Esme was just quietly happy to see me.

I enjoyed it. I never got along with other boys. I had an anger that led to a short fuse and temper and that led to fighting. And me fighting at school meant I was shown a real punch at home.

It was annoying. That Esme was two years younger than me. Mary was only a few months younger—she made a point to sit next to me in class. She was the only one I was allowed to see at lunch because younger kids ate an hour before us… she made a point of standing between Esme and I as we walked home.

But eventually Mary went home. And Esme was the girl who lived next door.

Her window was directly across from mine. I took the third floor room as soon as I saw it. In all honesty it was just the attic. But I went about converting it into a room. Yes there were five bedrooms on the second floor—but I wanted to be as far away as I possibly could from all the shit that went on in that house.

Jack didn't argue with me on the renovation. First of all the house was in my name. Yes in trust but still I would ultimately end up the owner of this property and he wouldn't be able to dispute that. And secondly he didn't have the abilities necessary to do renovations. Jack could do one thing—drink. And he did that like a pro.

I was proud of the little space I carved for myself in the hidden darkness upstairs. I watched the light in Esme's window come on when the sun faded and stayed up until I saw the light shut off.

In truth I only became friends with Mary because I was obsessed with getting to know Esme… But Esme never spoke to me. She would smile. And she would blush. But she was too shy to really talk to me.

So I ended up having to get to know Mary… and she wasn't so bad. There was an aggressive lovable flare to everything she did. Mary made her mind up to do something and she did it. No bullshit. But then that often led to some conflict. Because if her mind was made up that she was going to always be first to use the swings at lunch, the other kids would have to be forced to move.

I used to think I got in to a lot of fights at school. Mary had me beat by a handful of detentions every single day. I guess that was the other thing she and I had in common that Esme would never understand. Mary's life was hell too.

Her father was unknown since her mother was a traveling actress for most of her life. Mary was born in California but lived in almost every state. Like me, she ended up in the Pacific Northwest because there was a home waiting for them here. Mary's mother, Elizabeth Brandon, aspired to be a great actress. But she was like every other aspiring actress—unemployed most of the time. Occasionally she would get a job but it would usually mean she would have to leave town and either take Mary with her or leave her with a willing family.

Esme's family was always willing to take her in. The girls were like sisters. Esme was the gentle and persistent, seemingly older sister who looked out for Mary and Mary was the assertive, rash, and loyal sister who defended Esme.

And everyday I found myself lucky enough to be drawn into their secret partnership. I was the brother. And I was good at being that brother—ask my baby sister.

But even at my young age I knew there was a price that would come from such a relationship. I always wanted more—wanted someone to hold me in their heart the way I did with the ones I loved. I was a good big brother to Tanya, but could seh be the best little sister to me? I enjoyed Mary's friendship but would she take that attention away if I no longer met her needs?

It was a frustrating position to stand in—always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.

But the remedy for the worry was simple—I watched the light turn on as the sun went down and when the light went off, so did I.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1987)

Freshman year. The year I met the only guy I have ever honestly considered murdering in cold blood. Charlie Swan.

I didn't like him from the second he showed up in Forks. Scratch that I fucking hated him. Hated that his parents were so goddamn rich. Hated that he got invited to have dinner at the Whitlock's house every Friday night. Hated that I looked like poor white trash standing next to him.

As always, I could count on Mary to help me feel somewhat normal.

Mary's mom was leaving her with the Newton family for the fall. She was following some theater workshop in New York. Mary didn't mind. She never fucking gave a crap where she ended up. It was just a bed to her.

In some ways I envied her that. I needed a place to belong. I never had a place that I could just call mine. It was the most all-consuming desperation in me. Build a home. Raise a family. Belong.

And Charlie motherfucking Swan, the guy whose family had four homes across the country, sat nibbling on his prepackaged lunch across the table from me that day. Asshole. He could buy fifteen houses at once if he wanted to. He would never appreciate what it felt like to have nothing- the way I did. The way Mary did.

Mary kept the conversation going. But I just wished like hell that Esme was in high school. She may not speak to me, but having her around always made me feel... relieved or something.

"Come on Carlisle." Mary was whining as we walked to our English class. "You know damn well that it's always nice to have a rich friend."

"Mary I don't look for the angle like you do. I have friends. No strings. You..." I surveyed her with a knowing eye. "You seek to get something out of the arrangement."

She laughed. "Then why am I friends with you?"

"Because I'm dead sexy," I said with a growl. I reached over and caught her waist in my hands and tickled her sides. She laughed and squirmed. I released her so that she could link her elbow around mine. It was always a funny feeling being with Mary like this. In so many ways it was natural and easy—but there was always just enough of my self that was guarded away that I felt like I was cheating her out of something.

"You really want to learn about some dead poet?" She whined when we were neck and neck with the turn to both building four and the "escape route" to the forest.

I scowled for a moment. We were studying Shakespeare—Macbeth. I knew I had an image to uphold as some badass bad boy for her but… damn I loved Shakespeare. My mom used to read it to me when I was kid.

"Um.." I took one more minute to consider the options. If I went to class I would get to discuss one of my favorite plays in the codex. But if I left… I suddenly remembered that Esme got out of school in twenty minutes.

"Sure," I decided in the next heartbeat.

As we left I noticed Charlie Swan heading to building four. Bitch would get to discuss my favorite plot and characters for the next hour but I didn't give a crap- I would get to see Esme in less than thirty minutes.

I win.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1989)

The new freshmen huddled together in clumps in the hallways. It was annoying—the first day of school. I didn't remember being so impossibly sheep-like in my youth.

It was fucking hot in the hallway in my jacket but I kept it on. Mary had told me I looked sexy when I found it last year. And right about now… I was very much interested in looking sexy.

She was leaning up against her locker when I spied her. Esme. Mary threw her hair over her shoulder to laugh at whatever she'd said—she just gave that shy smile and shook her head. Typical Esme. She didn't want to draw attention to herself even when she was telling a hilarious joke.

I stopped by the boys' bathroom to watch them in secret.

Fuck. She was smiling… her smile always did things to me—made me feel loopy in my head. She looked up through her lashes as some boys walked by. Fuck. That did something else entirely to me. Made me feel like I needed some private time in the bathroom.

I glared at the boys once they caught up to where I was standing. I would pulverize any of them if they took that shy look as an invitation. I wanted to lock her away so that only I could see her look like that. So that no one else could see her and touch her and smell her… I took a deep breath. I felt like I could smell her from here. Esme smelled like orange blossoms and spring flowers.

I closed my eyes and suppressed the groan. I wasn't falling for this girl—I was buried up to my eyeballs for her. I swallowed hard as I turned my eyes to Mary. Mary. The girl who sat next to me everyday for the last eight years. The girl who hung out and smoked with me in the woods when we ditched school. The girl who had actually come over to my house and seen the inside of my room. And the girl who I knew in a heartbeat would be my girlfriend and take care of these needs that were suddenly consuming my every thought and move.

But she wasn't the girl I wanted to do those things with. I wanted Esme. Wanted her to sit next to me and try to ignore me like she did whenever I was around her. Try. Not succeed. I always saw it—she would glance at me from the corner of her eye. And her breath would speed up when I would turn and wink. I could sit in that torture chamber forever. Her fighting some urge to just look at me for once, while I played with her need to do so. And I wanted her to be the girl who knocked the smoke out of my hand and scolded me that she wanted me around for the next hundred years. Hell, she wouldn't even let me ditch. She liked school. And rules.

Esme lived her life by rules.

I didn't want her to be the girl who came over though.

My house was shit with Jack inside it. Someday—after he died, she could come over and make that house the home I needed it to be. Only having her there would make it that. A home. Esme was just the symbol of family and love and peace. And I craved that from her. She licked her lips and drew her bottom one between her teeth. Fuck. I craved her for everything.

I wanted Esme to be my girlfriend—wanted her to explore me. To have me explore and adore her. It was more than obsession. I could feel deep down in my soul that I belonged to her that way.

I was lost in contemplative thought and lustful fantasies when I heard it. Esme laughed out loud. It made me weak in the knees. But then I saw who'd made her laugh. I punched the wall hard enough to make my knuckle bleed. The freshman boy coming out of the restroom just turned around with wide eyes and hid in his stall.

Fucking Charlie Swan. I would have to kill that motherfucker someday. I snarled under my breath as I watched him with her. Esme looked him in the eye. Esme smiled at his words. She even spoke to him. That stung.

Fuck.

"Carlisle?" Trust Mary to spoil a sulk. I looked up to see her waving me over. I glared at her but gave up and joined them. I was never comfortable around Swan. He breathed pretension, I just breathed air. I nodded to the motherfucker without looking at him and glanced quickly away from Esme. I think she gave me that shy smile—I didn't have the heart to see. She wouldn't talk to me. I knew that much.

"You ready for your first day, Ez?" I really didn't like Mary's nickname for Esme. Her name was beautiful just the way it was—why give it some stupid nickname?

"I suppose…" She practically whispered breathlessly. I frowned down at her while she looked at her hands—and blushed. Fuck she was cute when she blushed.

"No worries," The motherfucker said—putting his arm around her shoulders like he had known her for eight years. "I'll protect you." I didn't miss that he glared at me when he said it.

Bring it on bitch. I thought. I was hardly the worst influence on this campus. Fuck, Mary was her best friend and she was the one responsible for all the shit I got into.

But as I thought it I saw Esme look up at him meekly and smile. Then her eyes darted quickly to me and then to the ground.

Fuck.

Did she tell him she was afraid of me? My face grew darker the longer I had to stand there and watch that bastard's arm around my angel's shoulders… and the more I was trapped in the belief that she was actually afraid of me.

It made sense really—she lived next door to the shithole that was my life. She heard my father yell. She saw the ambulance come to get me. She knew that there was a great potential for violence and anger in my life. And I couldn't blame her from wanting distance from that.

Fuck.

By the time the bell rang and I headed to my first class I was pissed. I had hated my father all of my life. I'd been ashamed and angry over all the shit that made me someone who could never be normal. But knowing that Esme would feel safe around Charlie Swan because she was afraid of me—the fucking monster that I was… That drained everything out of me. I was past pissed and filled with hate.

I was just numb with self loathing.

I kept looking at my hands as I sat at my lab table in Biology. I sat alone because Mary opted for an extra year of P.E. to not have to take science. I loved science. Loved the human body. I knew it was a long shot but I always figured I could go into a medical field someday. Long shot because it took money to be able to do that. And I had none of that.

I was still glaring at my disgustingly unworthy hands when she came in. I'm sure the only reason she sat next to me was because it was the last available seat. And she was so quiet as she took it that I would never have even known someone was there—but I smelled her.

Esme.

Fuck. Those hands that I stared at clenched into fists as I warred with myself to look over at her. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I'd had the revelation of my fucking lifetime in the hallway—Esme always acted like that around me because I scared her. Her perfect little sheltered life was unable to really understand the hell that I existed in. I was something other. Something scary. A monster. I didn't want to be that monster around her. But I knew no other way to be.

So I glared outside the window and strained my body as far away from her as I could. I tried to hold my breath as much as I could. Her scent was unnerving. It was like it had intensified in it's attraction since the last time I had been around her. Or maybe it was because of how long I had been around her today. I never got to sit next to Esme for an hour without anyone else between us. Her body seemed to generate an electric pull that drew me out of my own skin to be near her.

I wrapped my fingers around the edge of the table and fought the urge to pull her on top of it and take her. The smell of her body—orange blossom and spring flowers—it was like a drug to my body. Fucking heroin that was making me so strung out with need that I was swelling in my pants the longer I smelled her. Fuck. My eyes rolled back in my head when I caught a concentrated whiff of her scent as she tossed her hair over her shoulder at the exact moment that I inhaled. I was hard and ready and so fucking needy for her. I wanted that smell around me always. Wrapped completely around me. I knew I would never feel complete until I was impaled in her very essence.

I allowed myself one moment to look over at her. My face was strained with the force of will it took to not act on my hormonal craving. My eyes were hooded and dark as they drank in the sight of her. And my breaths were shallow as I tried to control the rapid beat of my heart. Fuck I wanted her. The one thing I knew I could never have.

She was blushing—so fucking hot. I wondered if I could make any other part of her body blush. I wanted to turn her skin red. Make her nipples blush pink like that under my touch. Bite her—everywhere. Mark her and tell all the other motherfuckers that she was mine. But she dipped her head forward to mask her face with her hair and I remembered.

Monster. Scary.

I turned back to look out the window and swam in my self loathing for the next forty five minutes of hell.

I could never follow this desire to its end. She was not mine. I was not worthy to have her the way I wanted. My fantasies of driving into Esme while she was slammed against her locker were quickly replaced with the nightmare of her kissing that toad, Swan. I was seething and practically vibrating with the need for some outlet for this rage. That's when I noticed Mary heading out to the woods. First period. First day of school. Already Mary was walking out. I sighed.

When class got out I ran past Esme without a word. It was rude. But fuck, I couldn't be anything else around her. I terrified the poor girl. And I didn't need to beat myself up with that lost dream.

I found Mary sitting on a rock in our usual smoking hide out. She looked sad. I rolled my eyes. Why did I have to be a monster with a heart of gold? No, a fucking bleeding heart, that's what I had.

I sat next to her without a word. That was what it was like with Mary. No need for words. We just got each other.

"What?" I said when she didn't speak.

"My mom called… she's… she's moving to Europe in a week."

I nodded. Europe would be fun. I would miss her. But pathetically mostly I would miss that she was my one connection to Esme.

"When do you leave?" I asked wishing like hell I was a normal guy who could just walk up to Esme and talk to her—not freak her out.

"I don't," she spat.

"But…" It only took a second for me to realize what she meant. Her mother was leaving. Her mother. Not her too. Fuck. I thought Jack was an underhanded asshole. At least he kept me with him.

"Where…" I scowled as I tried to even begin to ask it. I knew she would never go begging for a home. Right now she was living off the last month's payment that he mother sent to the Forks hotel. Next week… she would be vagrant.

"So when can you move in?" I asked. She turned to me and gasped. It was almost comical really. Mary always put on the show. She was always two people—the public image and the real Mary. I knew them both. But mostly I understood the real one. She was like me. And I knew that Jack wouldn't even notice that someone else was living with us. Hell, to Mary it was just a bed anyway.

"Really?" Her eyes were a little… radiant when she asked me. It was weird. I had never really looked at Mary that way. She was pretty. She had a nice body. But… I'd had a block for so long from looking at any other girl but Esme. I supposed that my little revelation in the hall today opened my eyes.

I smiled. I brought my hand up to caress her cheek- the softest movement. One that I could never share with Esme. She would cower from my hand. She would run screaming from the room. Mary leaned into my touch like she had been waiting all of her life for it. Maybe she had. I wouldn't have noticed until now.

I cupped that same hand around the back of her neck and drew her lips close to mine. It was easier than I would have expected. Kissing Mary. Our lips fit together and our tongues moved in sync.

It was nice. Those fucking hormones seemed to not be as picky as my mind as to who got their attention. I moaned as I felt them rush to every part of my body. I deepened our kiss and she whimpered against my lips.

I pulled back for air and we both sat panting against each other for a moment. In that second I knew that I had crossed a line. Made a choice. Mary was going to be my girlfriend. And she was about to become a permanent part of my every day and night life. And I didn't question it. It actually made me feel happy… that could have been the hormones speaking. But I was hopeful and had some kind of purpose other than dying alone.

And this meant I would be safe around Esme. I would be loyal to Mary—and that meant the demon monster that wanted to rip through my flesh and take that poor girl's body his prisoner… well he would be silenced if nothing else.

-**-Bookends-**-

The next day I was a different person. I morphed into someone more for Mary. It seemed appropriate—but really it was something I had no control over.

For the first time in a long time, I just was. I wasn't constantly trying to second guess anything. Mary knew all my shit. I didn't have to worry about hurting her feelings or sullying her virtue. I was pretty damn pleased with how everything was turning out.

When we left school the day, she stopped by the hotel and picked up her stuff. Jack didn't notice that Mary was with us—and Tanya liked having someone else around who wasn't her bossy big brother.

Life was actually kind of nice. Sort of stable. It made me smile.

We were quite the sight I supposed when we showed up at school. I still wore the jacket. I was looking forward to whatever the sexy shit she talked about would develop in our relationship. And I had found that like my opened eyes saw in her eyes yesterday—my body was really very appreciative of my girlfriend's body.

So when we got to school and she wore her low cut tank and I was in my faded jeans and leather jacket, people looked twice. I draped my arm over her shoulders and when we got to her locker I pressed her against it to make out. Damn she had a sweet talented tongue. I groaned—not giving a shit where we were.

Someone cleared their throat. A girl—it was a delicate sound. Nothing like the ones coming from my girlfriend as I frenched her ass so hard that I was seriously considering dropping one biology for another… the hands on kind.

But then I made the mistake of inhaling through my nose—something you have to do when you kiss as deep as we did.

Orange blossoms and spring flowers.

Esme. Fuck. My body's response to her scent was more intense than the ten minute face fuck that Mary and I had just been engaged in. And for some reason it seemed to hit me even harder today than it had yesterday. I thrust my hips against Mary out of automatic response to Esme.

It was a very fucking complicated place to be.

I turned to face the girl who would torment me innocently until I finally died. Her cheeks were flushed. Fuck. I watched her—unabashedly. My mouth was open from the racing of my heart and the light panting caused not from the fantastic kissing but from the burning need I had for her. I wanted to lick that blush from her body. I could see myself doing it. I could fantasize the sounds she would make.

Esme moaning in pleasure—the monster growled from his cage in my mind.

I was so lost in the desire that when Mary said "hi" and Esme's eyes looked into mine I realized I must have looked terrifying. Fuck.

"Good morning," I said mostly to steady my nerves. But if it looked polite that was a bonus.

Charlie showed up two seconds later to occupy her time. While Mary pulled me back to her locker and started licking my ear. It was sweet, sweet torture. On the one hand was a smoking hot girl who was willing to do all the things my body was so ready to do. And on the other was the thing I actually wanted.

I kissed Mary once hard on the lips and then I headed to class as the bell rang.

Esme was already seated when I came in. I wasn't sure how to handle interacting with her anymore. I had changed since yesterday—I was her best friend's boyfriend. On the surface of my personality I had made a choice to not pursue Esme. But inside… fuck. Apparently I could fuck every girl that came along—but my body would never not want Esme.

I panicked because there were microscopes out and single lab sheets. Partner work. Fuck. The poor girl would probably have a traumatic experience just talking to me for this one.

I was playing the usual game of stare out the window, when my entire world changed again.

"Good morning, Carlisle."

Fuck. My eyes closed at the sweetest sound in the world. She hadn't spoken to me since she was six years old. Not directly. And my mind was trying to reboot from the sound of it now.

"Carlisle?" she asked again. God… no one had ever said my name like she did. It was a caress to my soul. It was a slap to my mind. It was fucking sexy.

I turned to her—a tormented fucking man in prison.

She couldn't be my friend now. Not now. Not now that I have given my loyalty to Mary. She couldn't prove to me that everything I ever dreamed about was true. That she was not just something my body craved but some other part of my soul that would make my life complete.

Not now.

"Good morning, Esme." That's right motherfucker—seal your fate. If you acknowledge this and you become her friend… you deserve the torment you'll have to survive. You know what you want.

And now you know what you have.

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

A week later I was trapped in the worst fucking nightmare of my life… but the reality was that it was simply going to be my life.

I was now best friends with Esme. And boyfriend to Mary. And sometimes tolerant conversationalist with Charlie effing Swan. It made my head spin.

Mary sat on my bed—not doing her homework. Esme and I sat on the floor discussing Romeo and Juliet.

"But I don't understand… why didn't she tell her parents to shove it?" I had to chuckle at Esme's vivaciousness. I was all the more sad at the fact that she had never spoken to me before. I loved to try to riddle out her mind. She had a fascinating brain—so intelligent and sometimes almost too stubborn. But caring and compassionate enough to make anyone love her.

And I didn't need more reasons and proof to love her.

"Because, back then disobedience was punishable by death. And she was a woman…" I pointed my finger at her—guessing I would get the response I wanted. She didn't disappoint. Her eyes bugged out and cheeks flamed in insult.

I laughed. "Back then… women were lower than second class citizens. They were property. It was beyond her parent's right to dictate her life."

Esme started huffing to control her temper. She had quite a bevy of passion that I never realized before.

"I don't think I will ever fully appreciate classical literature. I don't appreciate the fact that women have always been treated like poor simpering morons who need someone to save them all of their lives."

Mary rolled her eyes. But I just nodded in agreement.

"I agree- That women got the raw deal before. But… not every woman is you Esme."

Oops. Where did that come from?

I looked up at Mary. She didn't show it on the outside but I could tell that the statement hadn't gone unnoticed. I was going to be paying for this sooner rather than later.

"What do you mean?"

Mary turned on the bed to glare at Esme. Sooner. Not later but sooner.

"He means that you are one step away from dykey with your constant talk of becoming a cop. He means you never dress like a girl. He means you're willing to stand on a soap box for ideals that died centuries ago," Mary spat.

Fuck. Cat fight in my room over my own stupidity. The majority of my brain thought it was wrong and wanted to find a way to stop it as soon as possible. But there was this one part that was screaming—it would be hot to watch. That part of my mind was fantasizing a wrestling match between the two.

I shook my head. Seventeen year old male to the bone for sure.

"Mary… please."

Emse turned to me with shock on her face. "Are you going to defend me before I even have a chance to do it first?" She said with evil eyes.

Fuck.

"Umm…"

"No madam lesbot… he was trying to shut me up so you wouldn't feel bad about the truth." I glared at Mary for that. There was absolutely no reason to treat Esme like this.

"Stop it Mary!" I said with my need to protect Esme greater when she was in need.

"You stop Carlisle!" Esme snapped.

Fuck. I couldn't win for losing with this girl.

"I know who and what I am. And I don't need either of you dictating anything to me. I was just responding to the fact that Carlisle was implying that there are women who exist for the soul purpose of being taken care of. And I would never allow myself to be that… beneath me."

The air left the room when she said that. Fuck.

Even I bristled at the term. Neither Mary nor I had ever been able to call anything beneath us. I almost wanted to encourage her to give it to Esme one more time.

"Please…" I started through tight lips. "Don't ever say shit like that to me again."

Mary was silent but I could feel her looking at me. Esme's eyes grew wide. And her mouth fell open.

"Carlisle… I… I…" She searched for an explanation. I knew she didn't mean it that way—but the fact that she could say it at all, with conviction, just proved that she could mean it that way.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I watched her with careful eyes. Summarizing whether or not my next thought was intelligent.

"Esme… do you know what it is like to be treated like this girl? Juliet was born to parents who saw her as a commodity. As something that could help build their wealth and stake a claim. She wasn't a child. She wasn't a person. She was something that could mean some greater gain to them."

She watched me with innocently wide eyes.

"Have your parents ever looked at you without ever seeing you? Looked through you and dismissed all thought that you are a person at all?"

She swallowed but said nothing.

I sat back and put my hands on the tail of my shirt. I would probably regret this. Even Mary had never seen this. But I pulled my shirt over my head.

I heard two separate gasps—but my eyes were closed tightly.

"Carlisle…" Mary whispered.

"Your father?" Esme asked. I nodded with my eyes still closed.

"Oh… oh god…" Mary said and ran out of the room. I wondered if Esme had gone with her. I was repulsive to see. I was filled with disgusted self loathing as I sat there for another minute. Eyes closed and chest heaving.

Then all at once I felt delicate fingers smoothing over my skin. I gasped—it was the most intense sensation I had ever felt. I knew—it wasn't just because it was the first time anyone but a surgeon had touched my scars but it was because Esme was touching me.

"How does he do it?" she whispered. I opened my eyes slowly. That was the first time someone just came out and asked me. Even Mary skirted around the topic most of our lives. But I could tell looking into her eyes that Esme knew all the other crap she was just curious about the details—she wanted to heal me from it.

"With knives. He… his family were butchers. Small town operation- but good with blades. He didn't want to take over the family business but... well you just learn what's around you."

"He actually wanted to play ball professionally. That's how he met my mom... she was a fan of baseball. She used to watch every game he played in. She convinced him to follow his dreams, follow the minor league circuit and get picked up for the majors. But it didn't pan out. And my mom got sick… and… and then my mom died. And by then he was less about a dream and more about an escape. So he got a job up here at the mill and… still practices his skills at home when his temper flares."

I would have faced her in shame but she didn't look at me like all the others did. She wasn't looking at me in pity. She was looking at me in anger. I had only spoken to her for a week but I knew one thing above all other things about Esme—she was a fighter.

"I don't like him," she said simply. I laughed once and hard.

"I am coming to that conclusion myself," I offered.

She smiled. And my brain poured out of my ear. Fuck. Her palm pressed completely on my chest—over my heart. It started to beat as if she powered it. Slowly, too fucking slowly, we started to move closer to each other. A breath away. Her eyes closed slowly—and my hand moved to caress her cheek like it had Mary's only a week ago…

Then I heard the crash downstairs. "CARLISLE!"

Mary was screaming. And Tanya was crying. Fuck. I was jumping down the stairs two at a time with Esme on my heels. My mind was spinning at the possibilities of what could be happening.

What I found in the kitchen was past anything I'd considered.

Mary had Tanya behind her while she held the phone in her hand. Tanya was weeping and holding one of her hands against her chest. I could smell the blood. But then I noticed that Mary's arm, the one that held Tanya back, was dripping from a deep cut too.

On the floor was a snarling… thrashing thing that was trapped in the body of Jack Cullen. His legs seemed to fail him. But his arms were lashing about and clutched in both hands were two of his sharpest knives.

My mind switched over into that mode that it always did when my father attacked me. First things first—protect the innocent. Esme was just getting to the door and I turned and shoved her back through. She didn't need to see this.

Second, I took note that Mary was on the phone with dispatch and Tanya was hurt but not critically. Then I assessed the monster on the floor. He was mobile enough that he could continue to injure us until they got here. And even once they got here he was still armed with deadly weapons.

I was glad in some ways that my chest was already bare. I didn't want to ruin anymore of my clothes.

I knelt down and tried to wrestle the blades from his grasp. That enraged him more… naturally. I hissed when he got a cut in across my arm. And the blade cut my shoulder like my flesh was butter. But eventually I had his hands secured in mine above his head. He wouldn't release the knives but he couldn't move under me.

Then his head started whipping back and forth and he snapped his teeth out at me. Fuck.

I heard the sirens and saw the lights on the wall. And just then his whole body ceased.

His mouth popped open wide and his eyes bulged out. Everything under me was strained and tensed for a minute and then his eyes rolled back in his head and he was out.

Now the training in me told me to perform CPR… even in the few seconds it would take for the EMT to get in here I could possibly save his life. The broken and bloody kid that I was… watched his body die beneath me with no regret.

He was pronounced dead of a heart attack. And the three of us were stitched up and sent home.

I hadn't spoken to Esme as we left the house. I didn't have a clue where she ended up while we were at the hospital. Mary was with me at the hospital. And I hoped that Esme just got home and was safe—and still innocent.

The attorney showed up while we were waiting for Mary.

I was freaked out at what lay ahead for the two of us. We didn't have any other family still living. And I would be damned if they sent away my little sister.

"I'm going to file for an emancipation for you, Carlisle. You are only one year away from being considered a legal adult so it should be easy for you to get. And when you do… you will be given your trust fund and ownership of your house. As well as guardianship of Tanya."

I stared at the man with a blank face. "Trust fund?" I said. That was something that rich kids like Swan had. I had a fresh scar on my shoulder from the washed up father who never amounted to anything.

"Yes. Your mother's family had it saved in your name. You… It's not a huge amount of money. But it will help you maintain a living and probably pay for school."

I nodded. Un-freaking-believable. Trust fund. Money.

Freedom.

When we got home Tanya followed Mary to her room and they shared a bed to help beat back the nightmares.

I went into the kitchen to clean up. I had the bucket in the sink and was running the hot water till steam was fogging the window. But when I turned to survey the damage...there was none to be found.

The floor was spotless. The room had no evidence of the blood or the death or any of the shit that happened there today.

"I cleaned it up," she whispered from the backdoor.

I turned to find Esme standing in the doorway. She was still dressed in the same clothes she was in earlier. She hadn't had to go to the hospital to get stitched up. I wanted her protected from that shit.

All at once I was mad. Really mad. My shoulders and my chest were moving up and down in barely contained anger. My eyes were swimming with tears of rage. Everything was red.

I wanted to protect her from this. She was innocent from this.

I couldn't look at her. Maybe it was shame. Maybe it was some unnamed emotion that I should have felt watching my father die. But it was intense. And she needed to leave before I couldn't control it anymore.

"Get out," I warned through tight lips.

"No," she whispered.

The room was spinning—I was starting to shake. This was the shit she should be afraid of. The shit that I knew was simmering under the surface. I was Jack's kid. I had a hell of a lot of rage. Who knew what would trigger my own abusive nature.

"You're not him, Carlisle."

I glared at her—like a tiger facing his enemy.

"You don't know shit about it."

She shut the door. She didn't even blink as she looked me in the eye—eyes that were steel with venomous hatred.

"I know you."

I huffed a sarcastic laugh at that.

What the fuck did she know? Nothing. She was a sheltered little kid.

My breaths grew more labored and my fists balled for a fight as she inched toward me. She never took her eyes off me—never even blinked. I was considering ways to drag myself from the room before I hurt her. I was both terrified and ready to fight at the same time.

And then her scent hit me… and I was fighting some disgusting urge to throw her down on the kitchen floor, the floor where she had just cleaned up my blood, and take her body with my possessive lust for her. Just bury myself in the promise of her flesh. Find some pleasure in this pain.

"Shh…" She stopped an inch from me. A tasty girl just outside the tiger's cage. "You're not him."

My breaths were sharp and choppy and my eyes bugged out.

Run Esme! I will hurt you.

Then my entire world calmed. Her hands were on my cheeks—her skin offering my body some sort of physical healing. I closed my eyes. The pain and the rage were gone.

I fell to my knees—burying my face against her stomach and clutching my arms around her like she was the only real thing in my world.

And then I felt it. The anguish. The years of torment and fear and the release of knowing that demon was gone and could never hurt me again. She cradled me against her and ran her fingers through my hair. And I wept—purged the shit from my body through tears. Tears that she let soak into her clothes and wash out of my body.

When I was cried out we sat rocking gently for a while longer. She never spoke. She never moved. She just let me be.

Finally she knelt down in front of me.

What the fuck just happened?

I looked at her—wishing like fuck that I had kissed her first. Wishing that I was someone good and safe and clean like Charlie Swan. And knowing that I would fight like hell to make sure Esme ended up with someone like him—someone who would never hurt her the way I was hurt. The way Mary and Tanya were hurt.

Never Esme.

"Goodnight Carlisle," she said simply. She kissed my temple and left without another word.

I sat there a moment longer—reeling. I was both exhausted and energized. I felt that dark shit leaving me. And at the same time I felt a greater pain settle in.

I would never not want her. And I would never get to have her.

Freedom—it was only a dream.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1990)

Senior year.

Fuck yah. It was two weeks till graduation and I was flying from the release. We hung out in the meadow more and more. I had perfect grades and my teachers preferred sometimes that I not come to class. Apparently, I intimidated the other students with my knowledge.

Mary ditched because she really didn't care about getting her diploma. And Esme would meet us after school—always a stickler for her rules.

Charlie, the pussy and now full time boyfriend of Esme, rarely came along. It was always a good time with the three of us. The girls made a sport out of seeing if there was anything Carlisle couldn't or wouldn't do. There rarely was.

We had settled into an easy rhythm after that night. I was an adult, legally now. And Mary and I saw no reason to not play house. Esme stopped coming over to the house most nights. She was officially Charlie's girlfriend so he took her out to do those normal teenage things. Dinner. Movies. Nothing too controversial.

Mary and me—we fucked all night long. It was still something I fought—every damn day I saw Esme. And smelled Esme. But slowly I was losing my need for her. Mary was good match with me. She had a passion that fueled the beast within me. And she was never afraid of me.

I didn't fear hurting Mary. She'd been hurt worse all her life. I could just have fun with her. And fun we had.

This afternoon we were in the garage. I was rebuilding two vintage motorcycles that I found at a yard sale. I really didn't have a use for them. I just wanted to learn how to build an engine—turns out I was pretty damn good at it.

"I've got an idea," Mary said taking a long drag on a smoke and leaning in to kiss me. "Let's go to Push tonight. I've heard tell there is some awesome cliff diving to be conquered."

I laughed. Mary was on some rampage to always put herself in danger. I think she liked me saving her all the time. And with my apprenticeship for the last year with the local EMTs I was pretty damn good at saving her from the stupid shit she did. She wanted me to teach her to ride one of these bikes eventually—probably because she wanted me to save her from crashing someday.

"You better not ruin my chances of getting into Dartmouth," I teased.

Mary laughed. "Please. You had that deal sealed last summer when you did that intern program."

I nodded. No use in disputing the truth. In fact there was a promise of a full scholarship with that little summer job I had.

"What are going to do in Push?" Esme asked. She scowled as I brought my cigarette to my lips. She hated that we smoked in the garage—hazardous. I blew the smoke toward her face to goad her.

Come on baby… tell me you don't want to get lung cancer… tell me you want me around.

She rolled her eyes and fanned the air in front of her face. I laughed.

What I wouldn't do to tease Esme Whitlock.

"Cliff dive… duh," Mary responded.

Well this would be interesting.

-**-Bookends-**-

When we got to La Push it was quiet and dark. "You sure about this Mary?" I asked skeptically. We tiptoed to the beach and we stood with our mouths open at the drop from the ridge.

"Come on you pussies. It can't be that bad. You land in the ocean," she reasoned.

I had my doubts. I knew I was some badass who didn't give a fuck… but… I really didn't want to commit suicide.

"Well… I'll do it." Esme said crossing her arms over her chest and surveying the scene.

I raised my eyebrow. "What happens when you start to drown?" I asked realistically. It didn't happen often but I never fully got over my possessiveness with her. I refused to let her be put in danger like this.

"Well… I guess that will be the one and only time I need a man to save me." She slapped my shoulder and winked at me.

Fuck me. Turns out I wasn't the only one who liked to tease. Hell. I was in hell.

Mary laughed and led the way up to the ridge. I sighed and followed.

Her laugh ended from the new perspective. "I'm out," I said flatly.

"Umm…Me too," Mary said biting her lip.

I looked over to see Esme removing her clothes. It took me a minute too long to stop her—I really didn't want to stop her if she insisted on doing this naked. Fuck—did she always have that rack? My one saving grace was that the wind wasn't blowing orange blossoms and spring flowers at me—I would have thrown her against the cliff. And I wouldn't have given a fuck if Mary were here to see. Fuck I was disgusting. Here came the old self loathing.

"What in the hell are you doing Ez?" Mary asked seriously.

"Jumping." Esme said and just like that she strode over to the edge, bent her knees, and jumped.

FUCK… That was hot.

I shook my head and realized my body was already running down to the shore. It was dark—there was no way of knowing if she was okay until I found her and touched her and physically verified it.

"ESME!" I yelled when I hit the beach. I scanned the area with frantic eyes.

I found her lying on her back near the ocean edge. Holy fuck!

"Esme!" I ran over to her and knelt beside her. There was a pulse but it was shallow. I put my ear against her chest. She wasn't breathing.

I followed my training and started to administer CPR—I propped her head, pinched her nose and put my lips against hers.

In the tiny minute between my lips touching hers and the sound of Mary's footsteps on the sand, Esme kissed me. One second I was terrified that I would have to save her life—the next I was feeling pressure from her lips against mine.

Fuck. My heart jumped in my chest—like her lips had revived me back to life.

"Carlisle? Is she okay?" Mary was calling from behind me. Esme's face was illuminated by the moon. Pale and sparkling and beautiful.

"Shhh…" She said holding her finger to her lips and winking at me. "Don't tell."

Holy fucking Christ. How in the hell was I gonna survive this girl.

"Carlisle?" Mary was right behind us now. And I was still just staring at Esme in disbelief. Did she seriously just admit that she did that so that I would kiss her?

"She's fine." I said turning to Mary. "Just swallowed some water." I lied. She swallowed my saliva.

Esme stood then—in front of me so that my eyes were level with the most alluring piece of triangle shaped clothing I had ever seen. I rolled my eyes and stared up at her. Really? She wanted to torture me that bad?

She smiled down. "My hero." She said and laughed.

She followed Mary back to the car and I sat on the beach for another minute. Alone. I closed my eyes. If only I could turn back the clock. Go back to the second I met them and grab Esme's hand. If only I could have known back then—that she would want me too. That she could see the shittiest shit in my life and still want me like this.

I never would have kissed Mary. Because out of the thousand times I had since that day in the woods… even the handful of times we had had sex since becoming a couple—I had never felt anything as intense as a brush of skin from Esme's mouth to mine.

Fuck me.

I was trapped.

-**-Bookends-**-

After graduation I set up a living arrangement for Tanya with some friends in Seattle. She was cool with a change of scene and I felt better leaving for school with her taken care of.

I was loathed to find out that while I was honored to receive my scholarship to Dartmouth, Charlie got in on his parent's money. Mary and Esme decided to go to the local community college and look out for each other while their boyfriends went across the country from them.

Esme kissed Charlie in the airport while we waited for our flight. It wasn't a shared flight—he would be traveling first class. I would be traveling normal. I scowled as I watched the exchange. I hated watching people in airports. It was such a show. No one kissed like that to go on a road trip. I sighed. I made my mind up then and there that I would learn how to fly.

If I were a pilot… I wouldn't have to deal with seeing other passengers. It seemed like a good idea.

They announced my flight. Mary kissed my cheek and winked at me.

"I'll be here when you get back you know," she said through unenthusiastic lips. Mary never had an easy time saying goodbye to people. Mostly because when she said goodbye to her mom—she never came back. And with me going off to my Ivy League school and no real need to return… she drew her own conclusions.

"Hey..." I said raising her hand to my lips. "What's this on your finger?" I asked in all seriousness.

"A promise ring," she whispered.

"And what does it promise?"

"That you will always be with me."

"And so I shall," I vowed. I kissed her on the lips and walked off to the gate.

But I didn't miss the look in Esme's eyes as I passed. She wished, like I did, that it was her lips that I had kissed. And her finger wearing that ring.

Fuck. I also didn't miss the rock on her hand.

Charlie proposed.

And she said yes.

-**-Bookends-**-

Christmas couldn't come fast enough. School was fun—I was on an accelerated program so I was ahead of the curve. I made a friend the first day on campus—Peter Charlotte. His father owned a small air strip just outside of the city. I got a part time job there and in turn Peter was giving me lessons in my free time. Beautiful. But with school and work and learning everything I could about aerodynamics….I was ready for a break.

I'd had a lot of time on my hands and there were lots of things to think about. Not least of which was that rock on Esme's hand. There had been some lie that I was telling myself until that moment. Some secret I thought I would uncover before I had to go through with it and give up my dream of her. But I never found it.

Esme was a fantasy. And she may have teased me and taunted me—and her scent might driven me insane. But she would never be my reality.

Mary was real. She was mine. She was waiting for me back home. I sat on the plane glaring at the little white box in my hand. I was going to do it… Maybe. I didn't know. I wasn't ready to get married right now. But I could at least propose it and then we could promise that that was where we were heading eventually.

I sighed and watched the lights of Seattle blink below. I was catching a connecting smaller flight to PA and meeting everyone there. We'd be heading across the border to Victoria for the holidays, though. Swan's family lived in British Columbia and Mary had convinced me that spending Christmas with our "rich" friends would be fun.

Apparently there was some surprise that Mary was excited for me to see when I got there—and she refused to indicate any hints as to what it was.

When I got off of the plane I had an answer to two questions. One was what made her so excited for my return. And the other was whether or not I would marry her anytime soon.

Both answers were the same.

She was pregnant.

-**-Bookends-**-

We sat in the club getting drunk and hot as the night went on. Well… Esme and I got drunk. Mary just danced around and slipped dollars into g-strings. It was ludicrous. Mary only dragged me along to parade it in front of Esme. The fact that I was hers and that Esme was never going to have me.

That pissed me off and made me drink all the more.

I had been very happy to go home for Christmas. What I didn't realize was that I was coming home to a five month pregnant girlfriend- and a bachelorette party for Esme as she was to be married on Christmas day.

Fuck.

My life sucked beyond the telling of it most days.

Mary was getting tired earlier in the night than Esme was ready to turn in. I could see that she was going to leave though—just to keep Mary happy.

"No," I said. Admittedly the words were a little fuzzy in my head and my mouth. "I'll stay. You take the car and we'll get a cab." Mary eyed me wearily. I wasn't that bad. But… I hadn't ever been drunk around her. I didn't like alcohol. For obvious reasons. But that didn't mean I hadn't built up a resistance to it.

Mary leaned over and gave me a kiss. No not a kiss… she gave me a face fuck. Right there in front of Esme.

Esme turned away when Mary pulled back. My brain wasn't firing all cylinders as she did. I smacked my lips. That was pretty good. "See you soon. Lover."

I nodded. And I noticed that Mary didn't even speak to Esme.

"And she's my maid of honor," Esme mumbled to no one in particular.

"You wanna leave?" I shouted as YMCA started playing over the speakers.

She nodded. Once we were outside I could breathe. I was stifling in my jacket. I took it off to enjoy the cool night air.

"Can I borrow that?" she asked timidly.

That was the first time I noticed what she was wearing. A short strapless dress that hugged all those curves that I remembered vividly from that one night on the ridge. I looked down at my jacket and shrugged. I put it over her shoulders… and then I wished I hadn't. It was like… like watching Esme wrap herself in a part of me.

Fuck… alcohol made the beast come out with more ferocity. I leaned down to fix the collar and her hair brushed my nose. Orange blossoms and spring flowers. I jumped back from her.

"What are we going to do?" she asked. I realized out of the sticky heat of the bar that neither of us were as drunk as I had thought. I shrugged.

"What is there to do in Port Angeles?"

She laughed. "Nothing."

"How bout Victoria?" I found myself proding sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "Even less than here," she joked.

I scratched my nose and sat on a bench by the road.

"Why are you moving there then?" I knew… that's what you did when you got married. You stopped living the life of single minded person and you became a team. What I wouldn't give to be the lucky bastard she was doing that for.

She sighed. "I'm not. I'm going back to Forks when he goes back to school. We're just getting married there at the family house so that his mother is appeased. He wants to make it official before." She waved her hand and my mind was loopy enough to not follow.

"Before…"

"I go to the Academy."

"Oh right." Police Chief Whitlock. Of course. "Why do you have to be married before that?"

"Because his mother would not approve. If we're already married… there's not much she can do about it—say, yes. Do, no."

I frowned. I really didn't get it. "Esme… what's the problem?"

"She thinks I'm not 'woman' enough to marry her son. That I'll not make a good wife… to a man."

Suddenly I realized I would not enjoy meeting any of the family Swan. "You… why the fuck!" I would have been angry—but it was the stupidest shit I had ever heard… plus I was drunk enough to really only be focusing on her naked legs more than giving a damn about Charlie's idiot mother.

She shrugged. "It's dumb. They're from old money. And there are rules to everything with them. Funny… I'm all about rules right." She laughed. And my mind was very warm and fuzzy from the sound.

"Let's get out of here," I offered. She nodded.

I drove her truck back to Forks—we took back roads and went slow, but that made it no less stupid for me to drive under the influence.

It was a quiet little bubble of fantasy. She sat with her head on my shoulder and… it felt so right. In this truck I could forget that there were two people waiting out there for us. One carrying my child and one waiting to start a life with her.

I stopped off and got us some beer before we ended up in the meadow. Her wedding gift was in the truck bed—since I called Mary the week before and told her to bring it for Christmas. It was originally supposed to be for Christmas… but surprise.

I pulled it out as she settled down on the grass and cracked open a beer. She gasped.

"Carlisle… you finished them."

I nodded. I finished the bikes a couple of days before I left and locked them up. One was for her and one was for Mary. I figured they could enjoy some fun without us guys around. I hadn't anticipated Mary being pregnant at the time…

I painted Esme's red. It just seemed to suit her. "Thank you. But you know I don't know how to ride a motorcycle."

"Well… that's half the fun. Learning." I winked at her and joined her on the grass. I laid down on my back and watched the stars. I'd missed them. You didn't get to see stars like that anywhere else.

"Where do you see yourself in twenty years Carlisle?" She had her knees under her chin and she looked pretty wasted. I finished off another beer and felt the buzz settling in on me.

"Dunno. Here. At my house… with kids." I squinted to make that image look real. I could see me and the house… and a kid or two. But I had no clue what was beside me. I had wanted to propose something to Mary… but now, as I had with my entire relationship with Mary, I just felt I was trapped in that situation too.

A child needed a father. And I needed to have kids. I needed to know that I could make a life a thousand times better than the one I suffered. I just hated the image of two people feeling forced into something as demanding as a marriage. But I wouldn't turn my back on her. I was Mary's.

The wind picked up… fuck. I was Esme's too. Even if it was only in my mind. There it was.

"How about you?" I closed one eye in an effort to make the stars refocus. Everything was growing fuzzy.

"With you," she whispered so low I thought I dreamt it.

I sat up and looked her in the eyes. Fuck she had beautiful eyes.

"Esme… stop fucking with me. You had your chance." Fuck. Where did that come from? She never had her chance!

Her face grew mortified. "I… when? When did I have my chance? You were always hers!" Her eyes told me she was drunk. Her hands flailed about in a message of Carlisle back the fuck off this girl is not in complete control… maybe that's why I thought it was okay to continue.

"From the moment I met you… I have adored you. You never once spoke to me… why?"

"Because… you're… you." Her cheeks flushed. God damn it. I was going to lose the battle with the beast tonight. And not even the image of my unborn child would stop me.

I laughed with a drunken nod. "Oh." I said sarcastically. Right. I was scary.

"Do you know how intimidating you are Cullen?" My eyes grew dark as she leaned toward me. "You have been blond, with blue eyes, and just utterly gorgeous your whole life. And that is not something that was easy for me to handle."

She was close enough that her warm breath kissed my face. I suppressed a growl of hunger. "Bullshit." I said to rile her up.

She huffed but didn't move. "Not tonight Cullen." I really liked her calling me that. It was like I was someone else when she used my last name instead of my first. Permission to not be myself. "You say I do this to you…" She put her hand on my chest and my breath sped. "Well I'll show you what you do to me."

She closed the distance between us and our lips met with a force that shook the world. Maybe it was the thunder above us. The rain started as soon as I fell back with her on top of me.

"Fuck." I said once her tongue stopped diving in my mouth long enough to catch a breath. She tasted… better than anything. But I couldn't do this. She was marrying Charlie. I had to marry Mary. We couldn't do this to ourselves and each other.

"Stop Esme… NO." I pushed her back with as gentle an effort as I could. She huffed. And slammed her body on top of mine. She bit her lip and watched what feeling her against me did to me.

"Stop what?" she asked and drew my ear between her teeth. I couldn't remember anymore. I was grunting and gasping and straining to be inside of her.

"You have no idea what it's like Carlisle," she rubbed her body against mine once more. FUCK. My fingers dug into the flesh under her skirt on the small of her back. She gasped a little. "Seeing you with her."

With who? My mind kept asking. Fuck. That wasn't my mind. That was my cock—and it was preprogrammed to belong to Esme. She rubbed her delicate little leg against it once more. It twitched and throbbed.

I grunted and then as her teeth bit my neck I growled. My mind was in a thick haze of lust. This was my fantasy girl. And this was one of my fantasies.

"Esme…" I snarled against the hair draped over her shoulder. "I'm with Mary..."

"And I'm getting married," she slurred. She was so fucking drunk. I stood us up and stumbled slightly as I inched her toward the tailgate. I had to blink a few times before she came back into focus. I was too fucked up to really be making a good judgment right now either.

She pushed open my shirt and that animal that I had caged all those years ago… the flash burn that had been ignited in my gut that day in Biology class—jumped to the surface of my flesh and took over my body.

The alcohol and the lust made everything a haze. But when we were done—I knew it was the best fucking sexual experience of my life.

Esme passed out on top of me. And once my heart rate finally slowed I closed my eyes and joined her.

-**-Bookends-**-

The next morning I woke up in the bed of the truck. My head was screaming and I heard Esme's similar moans from the cab of the truck. I was missing my shirt—but had my jeans on.

That was the most I knew about what happened last night.

"Esme?" I groaned as the sun hit my eyes.

"Carlisle… what happened? I feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat."

"It's called hard liquor followed by too many beers… Fuck… Where are we?"

"Forks… I recognize the trees."

I looked around as saw the one that had our names carved in it. How the fuck did we get back to Forks?

"How the fuck did we get back to Forks?" I hissed.

"Dunno." She said flopping back down in the truck.

It took several long and dizzy minutes for us to collect ourselves and get back on the road. I drove us back to my house. It was closer than Port Angeles and Esme needed to puke.

The phone was ringing when we got to the house. Shit. Mary.

"Hello… fuck… ah. Hello?" I answered, not relishing the banging in my head as she screamed through the phone.

"Carlisle? I was so worried… what happened? Where are you?" I rolled my eyes. She never should have left us alone last night.

"Forks." I said with a confused face. Now I understood why I never needed to drink.

"How?" Mary sounded worried. I hated making her feel that way. Esme stumbled out of the truck while I was on the phone and vomited in the bushes. I tried to keep the bile in my throat down long enough to talk to Mary.

"Esme's truck… Shit. I think I drove us here." Fuck we were lucky to be alive. What was I an idiot teenager trying to impress some girl?

Esme stood up. She was wearing her dress from last night and no shoes. Her hair was a haystack on top of her head and she was still enveloped in my jacket. Fuck. Yah—I was a teenager when it came to impressing that girl.

"Carlisle… Carlisle? Are you okay?" Still worried. Fuck. Snap out of it Carlisle. She is marrying Charlie you are marrying Mary.

"Yah… Fine. We'll be back in PA in an hour or so. Don't worry," I promised.

I helped Esme into the house, noticing that the bike was still in the truck bed.

All I could remember was that we just ended up in the meadow and drank our selves into oblivion… and least I hoped that was all we did.

The wedding was not something I would call fun. Best Esme looked happy. And that was a huge moment for me.

I watched as Esme cried pure tears when her daddy gave her away. And I knew… Charlie would give her a quiet safe life. Somewhere in the middle of her saying I do and them exchanging rings I stopped looking at Esme—and focused completely on Mary.

She was glowing—in her love for her friend and in her pregnancy of our child. I proposed to her last night—Christmas eve. I drove her back to Forks and sat her at the giant tree in our yard. I promised her I'd build her a tree house in our tree—so she could feel like the princess she was.

And now… I could let Esme go. I had an entire future in front of me. And I had a family on the way.

I was happy.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1991)

This would be remembered as the year of the boys.

Tanya started dating the oldest son of the family she was living with in high school—Edward Masen. She got pregnant only a month after Mary had. I found out about it when she sent me her wedding announcement. I would have been angry but then she lived in a house with Mary and me as an example. At least Ed was nice and he was a promising surgeon with a lot of money. She would be well taken care of.

Mary and I welcomed the first boy—Jacob. April 10th to be exact. He changed my world completely. Being a husband had made me grounded. Stabilized my life in a way that made me feel like I was home when I was with Mary. But holding Jacob… It was awesome.

I felt his tiny firm grip around my finger and smiled. I'd hold that hand forever.

Two months later Jacob got some competition in the family. Tanya's newly married husband and she welcomed boy number two—Edward Anthony Masen Jr. Out of the three boys born that year—Edward was the one with the most 'tude.

I always joked that he was born with a scowl. Edward's eyes were expressive and watchful. He never really cried—even when he was born. He just watched you—almost like he was trying to figure out what you were thinking.

Now, and I don't say this lightly because my son was adorable, but the cutest of the three was born in September. Esme and Charlie welcomed Emmett Charles Swan into our extended family. And he was born with rosy cheeks, curly hair, and dimples—Gerber baby.

It was just a quiet peace that settled over me by that next Christmas. I had a family. I was on my way to becoming a doctor. And I had Mary. Surprisingly enough I never thought about what I didn't have. She was miles away in Victoria with her family—happy and separate.

Life was good.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1993)

Life got bad.

Mary and I… started fighting. It was little things. She felt me pulling away if I stayed at the hospital too long at night.

And I felt her pulling away whenever there was another man around us.

She would bring up Esme to goad me. I would allow it to effect me. Esme's parents had moved out of the house next door—but Esme had kept ownership of it. It was this constant fucking reminder that she could always come back. That she in some ways never left.

Because I didn't want to fight with her—I spent most of my free time doing everything else. I built the tree house. Which she never once stepped foot in.

Jake liked it. He sat and watched me build it. Clapping when I finished pieces. I finished getting my pilot's license. And took Jake flying a few times so that he could get out of the house and away from his mother's constant yelling.

It was a volatile relationship—but it was all we had. And sex between us became some struggle for dominance. She'd beat me and I'd scratch her. And in the end the pleasure would be lost in a haze of self loathing.

The night that I got the call… I was almost ready to call it quits.

It was three o'clock in the morning. And Mary glared at me when I picked up the phone.

"Carlisle?" It was just a soft whisper but I knew who it was.

"What's wrong Esme?" Years since I had seen her in person—and that same old feeling jumped straight in my chest.

"I'm leaving Charlie… I'm bringing the kids with me… I… I don't even know if there is anything you can do… I just… wanted to hear your voice." My entire world was crashing down. She sounded so… sad. I had to help her.

"I'll get the house ready. Don't worry about anything. You sure you can drive?"

I knew she had only had baby Isabella a few weeks ago. She might still be sore… I didn't know what to think.

"Fuck you Carlisle Cullen," my delicate wife complained from our bed as she heard only my side of the conversation.

I glared at her and jumped out of bed to finish my conversation in private.

"Was that Mary?... Am I causing you trouble?" Fuck she could cause it all she wanted. Mary had no right to treat Esme like this time and time again.

"Don't worry about it. Just come home."

"Home." Her voice resounded with pain as she said it. Fuck. I didn't know what that was either. Not anymore.

I hung up the phone and glared at the moon. So much for a happy life—for either of us.

Mary was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"No." was all she said.

I scowled. "She is your friend too." I reminded her.

"But I never wanted to fuck her," she hissed.

I scoffed. I had never alluded to that with Mary. I adored my wife. From the minute we got married she was my entire world—other than when we welcomed our son into it.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about every time you've looked at her since she was six years old Carlisle. I'm talking about you marrying me only because she never offered before me. I'm talking about not being some blind simpering moron who needs you to take care of me."

I couldn't say anything to that. It was the truth. All of it.

"You lie. You fucking liar. You lied to her. You've lied to me… I'm tired of it. I can't live like this anymore Carlisle!"

She turned back to our room and I headed down to Esme's house. I walked into it with heavy legs. I was tired too… but divorce? I would work my ass off to make this work. I owed my family that.

-**-Bookends-**-

Two months. It took two more months of insistent fighting for Mary to finally leave. I tried. I ignored Esme. I bent over backwards to appease Mary. But apparently the damage was already done. Or maybe I had been too blind to see the kind of person my wife was. There were hardly any unmarried men in town who didn't know my wife—I meant know her. There was some new asshole in town. He hung out at the Res every other weekend. I knew.

She was sleeping around. She was trying to abuse me verbally since I no longer allowed her to do it physically. And in the end I was alright with her going. I didn't want Jake around that shit anymore.

The fights came down to the same damn thing. I never loved her. And I couldn't deny it. Not when Esme Swan walked out her door and my knees grew weak. Mary never made me feel that way.

That day Esme had stopped by the hospital for a check up for both kids. I didn't want to ignore her anymore. I felt more tired than even Mary could imagine.

"Hi," I said to her as Bella played with the books in the waiting room and Emmett went off to get his shots.

"How are you?" She cut through the bullshit. It was only appropriate I supposed. I had been there for her the night she made this decision.

"Tired." Was my only answer.

She told me everything would be okay. That it would work out in the end. I smirked at her hopefulness. But hoped… something about Esme always gave me hope.

I was okay to find my house empty when I got home with Jake from preschool. It was fitting that Mary not say goodbye. She hated it when her mom told her goodbye. I had never been a home to her—just another fucking bed. Jake was sad, but I couldn't be. There was too much anger in this house again for so long that I was finally feeling that old sensation of freedom creeping back into my chest.

But then I found it—the pregnancy test in the trash. It was positive. And now she was gone… FUCK.

She was gone and she was carrying a child. Possibly my child.

My world collapsed on me again. It was because I was a fucking monster. I drove her away. I never should have pulled her in, in the first place. I should have remained celibate and become a monk or some shit.

Tanya called constantly for favors—money. Ed was in an accident… he was drinking. He was beating her. Baby Jazz was born and my baby sister was so fucked up that it was a miracle that the kid was healthy.

Fuck. What the hell happened in one year? How horrible was this world that we continued to live in?

I leaned heavily on Esme over the next couple of months. I needed to work. She took night shifts at the station. And I took day shifts at the hospital and together we raised our kids. Not together—but as separate families.

Though I would admit there were some nights that we actually got to eat all together and it was nice. It was like looking at what could have been—should have been.

But my life was always incomplete. Somewhere out there was a kid that belonged to me. And I had to find them.

-**-Bookends-**-

(1999)

I found her.

I didn't know why or how. But when she stood there holding Jazz's hand in that orphanage—no that hell hole. It was like looking at a miniature Mary—with my midnight blue eyes.

And she refused to let us leave without her. I refused to leave without her. That place was not suitable for any life.

I might have felt sorry and guilty for Mary's life for so many years but once I saw where our daughter ended up—I fucking hated her all over again. How could she? How could she allow any child to end up here? After what she saw me go through… little innocent Alice deserved so much more.

Her records were sealed but I knew it was her. I adopted her. Why the hell not. I would have adopted the boys too except Tanya was getting out in a month and she would contest it. Why drag those kids through that. Maybe this time she would change.

Yeah. People were so good about coming through for you weren't they Carlisle. Good to keep that optimism up just in case.

I did the blood test myself. I used the lab at work after hours. She was a perfect match. My daughter. Alice—she named her Alice.

Fuck. The orphanage did tell me that the mother was deceased. That the father was the one to drop her off and the mother had died. It made me sad—to think that I didn't even cry to hear she was gone. I had hated her for so long for stealing Alice from me… I had spent up all of my tears for Mary.

Truly a demon in the end- that was me. I never loved her. I used her. I cast her out and then I didn't even cry for her death. And yet I wanted Esme to find something in me to love? Fuck.

The night I brought her home, Esme was standing on her porch. Emmett rushed out with Jake in hand to greet the new arrivals. Bella stood behind her mother—weary.

It was like déjà vu in every sense. My nephew—the forty-year-old, eight year old watched her. He never moved—just watched her. I knew right then. Edward was drawn to Bella the way I was drawn to her mother.

That was a rough night. I prayed—and without a faith in god it was a hard thing to do. But I hoped that Edward would find a better way to handle his obsession with that girl than I had with Esme. She was too sweet and pure. And lord knows that whatever other girl he used to skirt around her… she would not deserve it.

I prayed….that the monster would die with me.

-**-Bookends-**-

(present day)

"There," she said sitting the final knick knack in place on the mantel. I smiled and held my arms open for her to join me on the couch. Her smile was warm and content.

"You know I could have saved myself a lot of time." She said kissing my lips. She settled across my lap and rubbed her hand on my chest. My hands were caressing her back and sides. I loved having my hands on her.

"How is that?" I asked. Barely conscious of what we were talking about. I was envisioning her in our bathtub—with bubbles all around her and me deep inside her.

"I didn't need any of this crap I brought over here." I frowned. Women. I would never figure out what the hell was going through their minds. I raised an eyebrow and kissed her as she leaned in again. "All I need is you."

I gave her my crooked smile as we deepened the kiss. Then I groaned because it had already been too long since I had her. "Carlisle?" She asked breathless. My eyes were closed and my hands were exploring the deliciously soft flesh under her shirt. Inching closer to unclasp her bra.

I moaned my reply and continued to kiss her. "When do we get this place all to our selves?"

I laughed. "Two weeks." I pulled back to look at her and saw my sentiments mirrored in hers.

"Too long." She pouted and I threw my head back and laughed.

"There's always the cell at the station." I teased with my wicked smile. "I still have my cuffs."

Her cheeks flamed at the memory. "I suppose." She whispered. My heart jumped at the sound. Not only did she not shy away from the idea, but she was casting that wanton desire up at me through her lowered lids. Fuck. My girl was going to become an exhibitionist yet.

I smiled wider. "Trust me." I offered. I was hardly a true full fledge Dom but I knew a thing or two about the world. I knew enough to give her what she wanted—what she craved. She needed to be dominated—needed to feel controlled and taken care of completely. I could do that for her.

"With everything." She pledged. And we spent the next hour just teasing each other with our mouths and tongues. Like the two teenagers we never got to be. We made out for sixty minutes of bliss.

"Mom, Dad we're home!" Alice yelled through the back door. "Fair warning!"

Esme lifted herself up as we had sprawled out across the couch- she lay across my chest, to enjoy our session. "Reality." She sighed.

I peeked over the back to note no children in view. Then I pulled her back down and rolled her under me. I shoved my hands under her bra and she gasped as I squeezed. Then I bit her stomach hard enough to leave a mark. She was panting and flushed within seconds.

I leaned up and kissed the tip of her nose. "Yes." I said in a remorseful tone. I stood up and left her practically writhing on the couch.

The pillow hit my in the back a second before she spoke. "Carlisle! That wasn't nice."

I turned with my wicked grin again—and questioning eyes. "Could've fooled me with the look on your face." Her mouth popped open and I chuckled as I turned to meet the kids in the kitchen.

"Hey guys." I said as I found them huddled around the stove.

"What 'cha making?" Alice asked.

I snickered. "Me?"

"Right Dad doesn't cook."

"What is Esme making?" Jazz asked cracking open a soda and sitting down at the table.

"Stew." Esme said joining the family like it was just any other night. She got down the dishes and I pulled out the silver ware.

Edward and Bella came in followed by Rose and Em. And once we all had a bowl and a seat we dug in. It was more than surreal to sit in the middle of this kitchen and see this happening.

When I first moved in… Jack had made this room a hell. I received most of my wounds in the kitchen—since that's where you keep the knives. And when Mary and I lived here I never spent enough time at home to eat dinner with my family. I tried to make sure we had family dinners every night with Alice and Rose but once Edward and Jazz moved in, I was working double shifts to help save the hospital money.

But tonight… looking around at my family—All of my family… My heart felt almost like it was breaking with all the love and completion it was filling up with.

"Hey," Esme said brushing her hand over my arm to pull me from my thoughts.

"Hey." I said with a husky tear filled voice.

"I know." She whispered and kissed my cheek. And she did. All of our lives I misunderstood her fear of me as a fear of all I hated in my world. A fear of my inadequacies. But really she was just like me. She was intimidated by all of this. It was almost too easy in the end really.

Esme and I just belonged together. Our worlds were not right without each other in them. And there was more love and acceptance and just plain feeling right in our bond than seemed real. It was scary because it was a huge responsibility. A huge risk that if something went wrong we would lose so much more than just a marriage and a home.

We would lose that part of our soul that made us whole.

But she held my hand as we ate. And at night she sat in the chair in the corner of my study—reading a book while I went over paper work from the hospital.

Then when it was time for bed—I carried her to our bed. And I held her in my arms until the sun came up. And I knew… I never had to let her go. Or if I did, she would come back.

I watched her eyes dance behind her closed dusty rose lids as she slept. The early morning rays kissed her cheeks and made her look like she was glowing from within.

My angel.

Yes. Life with Esme completed me.