Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
Chapter 24: Bridge over troubled water
-**-Bookends-**-
"Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation." Cherrie Moraga
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (three days before Edward leaves for Boston)
It was nerve racking. I stared at the pink pastel notebook covered in purple petunias. I felt like Dr. Seuss had vomited in my head. It was not what I was looking for.
Then there was the all black notebook- complete with lineless pages. That was a little too on the ironic side for me.
I went with a plain notebook- the kind you find on sale for ten cents when school starts back. No frills just a blank surface to write on. I moved on to the pen and pencil section once my first battle was down.
Damn it. I had no idea what I preferred to use. Really I preferred a computer. But I was banned from that- I had to do this in a physically creative way. Use my hands to actually create the words and collect the thoughts.
Pen. Pencils left that smudge on the side of my hand. I didn't like smudges. I sighed. Why couldn't Bic just package one pen and call it a day. What the fuck was with all the choices? Who really gave a crap?
Sparkly ink. Disappearing ink. Green. Blue. Red. Reappearing Ink. Black. Fat pens. Small pens. Pens that had characters from Disney movies on the top that lit up when you pressed the tip on to the paper. This was starting to sound like an Oscar Meyer commercial.
Holy fuck. Who cared? I didn't. I grabbed the pens right in front of me- mid shelf down by my hand. Red ballpoints. That worked for me. I didn't care.
I slumped to the counter to pay. I should have needed to look around- shouldn't there be other things I was missing at this point. I hadn't been to a store in over a month. Wasn't I running out of stuff that would need replacing soon?
I shrugged my shoulders and forgot about it. This was also a test to see how long I could be separated from Edward before I dissolved in to a useless heap on the floor. So far it had been fifteen minutes and nearly twenty feet. He leaned on the hood of the Volvo glaring at the entrance. I restricted him from following me in.
He didn't like it- he didn't understand it. But I wouldn't explain it to him. What would I say? Oh yah- you can't come in because when you leave in three days I want to make sure I don't die as soon as you're gone. Yah that would keep him on track with going to the academy.
Even so he was cute as he sat in his martyred grimace. I couldn't believe he had only been gone for four months. He was so... intimidating now. Maybe it's because sexy had a different meaning to you once you actually had sex. But from his poutty lips to his worn sneakers he looked... fuckable. It made me shudder. He had a harder edge to his jaw- a raw look of heat in his chocolate eyes whenever they were focused on me. He was impossibly cool with his jeans and leather jacket and his sunglasses made his face look even paler than normal. His bronze hair was as unruly as ever and he didn't adjust the bit that fell in his eyes as he glared at the door- waiting for me.
That's what he's doing Bella. That voice inside my head was whispering. He is waiting for you to pull your damn act together. And he won't wait forever.
"Bella?" I heard my name but I felt by this time it might be a popular name. Maybe some new girl moved to town with the name Bella. And maybe, just maybe, she was standing behind me in line and that's who the boy was yelling at.
"Bella?" This time the call was followed by a timid tap on my shoulder. Fuck. I sighed.
"Yah Mike," I said without turning around. If I knew anything in my almost sixteen years of life it was Mike Newton's voice.
"What are your plans for the summer? Since you graduated so much earlier than all of us and… all?"
I rolled my eyes and put my pack of pens and notebook on the counter. By "all of us" Mike mostly meant only him. Jazz had taken the test like me and Alice was on home schooling so she was basically done before she started with a teacher like Dr. Cullen at home.
"Well, Mike. I'm going off to college." I still didn't turn around. I was doing that a lot lately. Jazz told me to work on that. My tunnel vision these days boiled down to only looking at Edward—but in my defense that was only because I couldn't see anything without Edward. All of my senses were fueled by his presence now. I know. I remember that time before he came back to me—well I remember the ride home and how totally lifeless my body was.
Edward was life. I wouldn't waste any more of my reserved charge that his body gave mine to use my senses and talk to Mike. The energy was precious and fleeting. Already I could feel my entire form slump at the thought of four days from now.
"Wow… where to? You following Edward to Boston?"
"No. She's staying home in town." A dark velvet voice said from my left. I wanted to cringe. I didn't want to explain the need for a pen and a notebook and not pop tarts and shoe laces. But when I felt Edward's arms snake around me… I forgot about everything but his warmth.
I melted into him with a sigh- Smiling at Angela Webber as she totaled up my bill. Mike shut up once Edward came in. Thank god. I had no desire to continue to make small talk about a life that wouldn't be worth living.
I paid Angela—apparently my future serenity rested on two dollars and some change. Thanks Jazz. I feel healed already.
Edward didn't find anything odd with what I bought—or at least he didn't say anything to me about it. He held my door open for me and we were quiet as he drove us back to the house.
He had his hand on the console between us. No real motive other than a comfortable position. Reach out and grab it dummy. I followed the mental command. It felt nice.
Edward looked over at me and smiled gently. I smiled back but quickly ducked my head. His fingers squeezed around mine as if to tell me it's okay.
How could I explain this to Jazz? How did I tell him that the way Edward and I were with each other was too subtle for either of us to fully understand and control. Jazz wanted me to assert control in our relationship—show myself that I was strong without Edward, though I trusted Edward and needed his support. But that's not how Edward and I supported each other—we did it silently and with shy looks and touches.
I couldn't assert some sort of dominance in this relationship. Edward was too used to others controlling him and then casting him aside. And I was sick of feeling trapped by people around me. I refused to group Edward with all of them.
So we sat in silence and I held his hand. It was like shouting in the middle of a quiet church in Edward and Bella language. And I was certain he heard me. Because we when got out of the car he was instantly by my side and holding my hand again.
Thank you Edward. Thank you for knowing me. And for your patience.
He's waiting for you Bella… and he won't wait forever.
I clutched my pens and paper to my chest—fuck.
-**-Bookends-**-
EPOV (that afternoon)
FUCK! At times like these I actually wished I didn't cuss as much as I do. I no longer have any stronger words to express my frustration! SHITDAMNFUCKINGHELL! That is what I will have to say from now on.
She's shaking again. It's a sunny day, anyone else would be standing in the sun and basking. Bella is shivering like we are in the artic. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT! Do I touch her? She'll only act like I'm punching her lights out for a second, then she'll cling to me like I'm the only other life in her world.
This is more than Bella just needing time. This… I don't fucking know what this is. And she won't tell me. She just smiles at me and touches me—I don't flinch when I feel her fingers on my cheek. I don't close my eyes when she leans in for a kiss.
It's tearing me up. I turned to her, because with Bella is just motherfucking natural to hold her. She didn't flinch this time—in fact she fucking practically jumped into my arms.
"Edward?" She whispered. FUCK! My baby's voice made me want to cry. What the hell did I do to this girl? Alice said it wasn't rape but it was still my fault. I should have fucking staid. I should have snuck back and held her every fucking night for the last four months. Fuck! There could have been something wrong with her from that fucking drug she took the last day I saw her. And these fuckers never even bothered to notice her. She could be going fucking insane because of that and no one would give a fuck!
I gave a goddamnfuck.
"Yah baby?" She did flinch at that. Shit I forgot. Note to self. NEVER call Bella baby. I had figured that one out the first day I was back. That first morning she woke up and I called her that—she slapped my so hard I almost bled. Then she screamed out a fit of tears that made me nearly shit myself.
Alice knew something more than what she was telling me. Both of them did—she and Jazz. But everyone went all Lecter on me when I asked. Alice swore there was no way Bella felt raped—but fuck me if I didn't believe her. Bella was acting like she was attacked. I fucking knew the signs. I fucking lived them all my life.
If Bella didn't feel I raped her she still felt I was responsible for hurting her somehow. I wasn't the fucking moron they all took me for. And if they weren't going to fucking help me figure this out without confronting her… fuck I didn't want to have to fight with Bella.
But fighting was how we fucking communicated.
She pressed her little face into chest. Her voice was muffled and quiet but it felt like she was screaming at me. "How many more hours are there before you leave?" Fifty eight and a half. There were fifty eight and a half hours. Three thousand five hundred and ten minutes. Two hundred and ten thousand, six hundred seconds. And that still wasn't enough time. Fuck. I didn't want to go. I wanted to fucking look her in the eyes and say "never, not without you". But she wanted me to do this—she fought for me to be able to do this.
Bella shivered again in my arms. Fuck it. "Never. I'm not going anywhere without you." Yah the words had no fight behind them… but I was building up to the fight. Come on Bella… fucking tell me what's going on.
Bella sighed and moved away from me. Dammit. That wasn't what I was going for. She looked around the secluded meadow. I wish I could enjoy it the way she had wanted me to. This wasn't my sanctuary. The tree house was. I hated my own guts a little more when I realized that she would associate that place with sex now. Fuck.
"Bella?" She just blinked but said nothing. "I need you to fucking tell me what's going on." I watched her closely. Noted the way her eyes narrowed for just a second. Other than that she hid it very well. Fuck me. My girl was almost better at hiding than even I was.
"Bella… please." I whispered. I was through with skirting around the fucking bush. I needed to know. Deserved to know. I had to help her. She was still trapped inside her fucking head.
She looked down at her hands. "Nothing's up Edward. I'm just going to miss you… I… I missed you very much the last four months." She kept biting her lip. I had fought with Bella for four years. I knew better than anyone when she was holding back.
"Fuck the nothing's wrong act Bella!" I shouted. I jumped to my feet. I could never sit still when I let myself get pissed. I started pacing. Bella just kept fucking sitting and… lying.
"What! Did I hurt you? Did that fucking drug hurt you?" She looked up like I was speaking in Greek. I must have been fucking miles off base. "Well tell me!" She looked back at the grass like she was trying to… find a way to let me down easy or some shit.
A thought struck me that never had occurred to me before. Alice said something about Bella's life being disrupted… fuck. "Bella..." My voice was breathless. I couldn't fucking imagine a world where what I was about to say was true. But if it was I would leave right now and let her be. "Did you… do you want me back? In your life… I mean…" I swallowed and looked up at the trees. I couldn't look at her. "Did you move on while I was gone?"
Fuck it made sense when I thought about it. We hardly spoke, or even communicated at all for that matter, over the last four months. When we did it was strained and painful. Fuck. If she found five minutes of quiet peace without me here… and here I came back into her life to shit all over that fresh start.
Fuck.
"Edward." She sounded mad. I didn't want to make her angry. But I couldn't deny that I was fucking soaring to hear her mad. It was an emotion. I was beginning to fear that Bella only had one emotion anymore—distraught. Mad was something. Mad had passion and fire. Mad had a little hint of love.
Good. My baby was still in there somewhere.
I turned to face her. She was standing with her fists balled. "You think… this is that easy to cast off?" She laughed lightly. It was dark not happy. "You think…. For one fucking second that I can even breathe without you!"
My mind froze. She was pissed because… fuck women were so hard to figure out.
"Bel…"
"Shut the fuck up Edward!" My mouth slammed shut.
"I… it doesn't fucking matter what I am going through or didn't go through or whatever the fuck is going on in my mind! You… me… this…it's the most fucking important thing in the world to me! And if it were to you too, you wouldn't be able to fucking ask me that!"
She had tears of rage in her sweet green eyes. I shoved my hands in my pockets and wondered if my eyebrows would ever fucking come back down from the top of my forehead.
I let a little of my own fucking anger fill me. Admittedly it was the shit we were bottling up from Esme sending me away and from Carlisle making me stay in Seattle. It was frustration from that one stupid fucking night. And it was tension and worry and fucking innocence from what we did before I left. Two scared fucking kids.
"Bella… I fucking love you. I don't fucking love anything. But I fucking love you. You know that." My voice wasn't raised in anger. It was quiet. And seething with emotion.
"Talk to me about that morning." Fuck. Her eyes got all wide and her entire face drained of color. Didn't feel fucking raped my ass.
I gripped my hands into fists in my pockets. I tried to keep from dying of self loathing right then and there. "Bella…" Delicately motherfucker. "I'm sorry." Tears were welling in my eyes as I tried to make it up to her. "So fucking sorry. I thought you were ready…. Fuck…. Did I hurt you?" My lip quivered and my entire body shook with the need to destroy myself if I had hurt her.
"Fuck. Edward." She whispered. I couldn't look at her. She came over to me and I closed my eyes to hide from her. My entire body was locked down—stone. Even when I felt her touch my face I felt sick to my stomach that I had hurt her.
"Edward you didn't hurt me. You didn't rush me… do… what are saying you thought happened?"
Fuck. I let out a self loathing huff of a laugh. "You know what I'm saying Bella."
She slapped me. Fuck me. One day I just might learn to not even mention rape around a woman. Apparently that was the one sure fire way to get slapped. "Snap out of this Edward." She said in the most collected voice I had heard from her since I got back.
I opened my eyes to find… well not my Bella but someone closer to her. There was actually color in her cheeks. There was a little bit of a light behind her eyes. It took my breath away to see it. "Bella." I mouthed. My hand moved to her cheek without my giving conscious command for it to do so.
She leaned it to it gently. "Edward." She whispered. Suddenly her lips were on mine. She was kissing me—and not that timid shit that she had been giving since my return. This was tongue and deep and fucking hot. I held on for dear life and hoped this girl didn't kill me someday.
"Bella..." I tried to speak around kisses. "What…" Her tongue dipped so far in that I forgot how to speak. Fuck. I forgot how good she tasted.
"Edward. Please. Don't leave me." My mind was fuzzy when she said it. But I noted that it was something important to pay attention to.
"Never baby." FUCK. She jumped back and I stood throbbing and achy and… fucking clueless.
"What?" I finally said. I ignored the fact that I now had a list of words I couldn't say around her. I ignored the fact that she was about ready to service me to keep me from leaving. I even ignored the fact that that little glimmer of my Bella was gone and this new… totally distraught Bella was back. I put all of that aside because I just wanted to know what the question in her eyes was about.
She stood in front of me like a three year old child. She shifted her weight back and forth on her legs—wiggling her hands together like she had no clue what I was talking about. Her eyes told me something else.
"Fuck Bella…" I whispered. I turned away from her with a deep breath. Maybe I should go—having me back didn't seem to do any good for her.
"Edward… you… do you mean it?" I froze. What the fuck did she just say? Did I mean it? Was she fucking kidding me?
"Are you fucking kidding me Bella?" I didn't turn around—I was mad. I let her take her rage out on me when she got mad. But I would never take mine out on her. That was dark shit that I never wanted to really tap in to around anyone. For right now I would be mad with words and hold the rest in.
I felt her hands work gently between my arms and torso from behind. I could hear her breath but she wasn't crying. Fina-fucking-lly. "Please… please don't leave me Edward." Fuck. There was a desperation in Bella's voice I knew all too well.
Don't do it mom. Please… don't let him drink tonight. Please mom! Mom stop yelling at him… NO! Dad… please… I flinched as the memory fucking gripped me. I got them less frequently now… but the memories of what my father did to me would never go away.
And I fucking knew. Bella felt abused. And she was trying to find some way, any way to stop the fear of it happening again.
My hands secured over hers. I would crawl across fucking broken glass for Bella. "I will never leave you again Bella."
I hung my head. I should have had it out with her—really fought with her to bring whatever it was she was afraid of to the surface. But I was tired. Tired of fighting.
When Bella was ready I would be here… waiting for her.
Forever.
-**-Bookends-**-
We slept together in my bed on the third floor now. I hadn't been in the tree house since that first night. I knew Bella was linking it to whatever was killing her. I just fucking wished I knew what it was. I could read people—everyone. I could sometimes read people so well it was like I could hear their thoughts. But never Bella. She was the greatest fucking mystery in my universe. I hated that. I hated that I couldn't help her. Anticipate what she needed. I had to trust that she would come around—come to me.
But when?
She sighed in her sleep and I clutched her to me tighter. It was one night in a sea of dark nights that I lie staring at the roof- not sleeping. I didn't sleep at night anymore. Bella only felt safe enough to relax like this while she was in my arms. Sleep threatened that I might move or shift and she might end up alone- even if only for one fucking second I refused to make her feel alone. So I stayed awake at night and slept in the afternoon alone.
This was going to be a long road for us. Our talk in the woods opened my eyes to that. There was so much distance between us now. Some I understood. We had not really even spoken to each other for four months. We both had grown- changed. Fuck we both were virgins that last time really saw each other. Now we were both exposed to a whole new dimension of our relationship. That I got.
I was a trapped scared motherfucker living under Tanya's threats when I left. Now I was free. And had all the time in the world. I didn't understand what was driving her away from me. I could only hope that one day Bella will finally trust me enough to share what the fuck was driving her insane.
Bella had taken up talking in her sleep since I left- weird. Fucking weird. Bella used to sleep like the dead before. Now she mumbled... most of it was gibberish but every now and then... she'd whisper my name.
In those moments my heart would flip- as long as she kept whispering my name in her sleep I knew we were fucking good. This funk was just something I had to figure out, but we were still good. She still wanted me. Needed me.
It was fucking frustrating to say the very least. All I wanted to do when I got home was run over to her and hold her in my arms. Kiss every inch of her body and pledge my undying love for her.
But the girl who met me in this tree house that day- that wasn't fucking Bella. I would help her find that girl I once knew. She had to still be in there- fuck she was the voice that was murmuring through those pale pink lips right now. I just had to have patience. Alice was right. Bella just needed time.
Fucking time.
There was a never-ending amount of it stretching in front of us- and yet I kept feeling like it was slipping away from me right now.
Fuck.
"Edward…" Bella whispered. My arms grew tighter still. "Stay. Please. Don't go… don't leave me."
I closed my eyes. One tear slipped down my cheek. If all she wanted was me here. Then she would get just that. I would never leave her again.
"He won't wait forever…" She said.
I opened my eyes. Yes I would.
Time. She could have every last second of my life.
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (the next morning)
I sat in front of the blank white paper. Jazz's words were in the back of my head.
"We need to find you an outlet Bella. What is it you like to create... What do you use your hands to physically create?"
It was impossible for me to come up with anything. I wasn't Alice with her fashion. Or Rose with her love of rebuilding cars. I wasn't even Edward with his art...
I write. I offered with that same empty voice that had filled my blank mind for the last month. I never spent too much time in there. But there was something in me when I said it that felt odd in my stomach... hope maybe. A memory of an innocence lost.
"Yes. That's perfect. I want you start each day with a journal. The first ten words should just be the first ten things that come to your head. Ten words that just come out of you. Then ignore them and write... anything you want. Just write."
I had stared, or glared, at him for a long while after that. "Jazz... I don't want to see what just comes out of my head." I had finally just shut it up and blocked it out. Why would I work so hard to open it again?
"I didn't say you have to read it Bella. Just write. Don't bother to read it just think and write... and if you feel you want to read it then do. But I want you to express what's going on inside here." He pointed to my temple and I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to express that. I wanted to bury it.
I opened my eyes at the thought. Bury. I didn't think about it often but sometimes it just popped in there before I could stop it.
"Jazz?" I whispered. He looked at me with his detached eyes—that's why I liked talking to Jazz. He didn't make me feel like I was some head case. "Was there... did they bury the baby?"
His facade wavered and in some ways I was okay with seeing it- I would think even him heartless if he didn't feel something when I asked that. "Bella..." he began delicately. Like I had so many times lately- I suddenly felt so guilty for what I was doing to Jazz.
Such a demon soul-sucker I was.
"I don't know. They... came in to discuss stuff like that but you..." He looked away. I nodded to show I didn't need any more explanation. Understood.
"Ten words. Then write. How long do I write."
"Until you want to stop."
I nodded. I could do that. I wasn't some dumb kid who expected poor Jazz to be some kind of miracle worker. He had no real training- and I was a lost cause.
So now I sat staring at my first morning journal in this insane journey back to what little bit of Bella was left up there.
First ten words.
BLOOD. FUCK. HELL. SHIT. BLACK. EDWARD. SLEEP. DREAM. RED. DEATH.
I sighed once those were out. I counted as I wrote. That might have led or affected the way I came up with them or what I came up with. Maybe that was part of the point. Whatever Bella... just write and get this over with.
I raised my hand to the top of the next page. This was harder. This was searching in the ashes of some creative death in my mind that was scaring me shitless. Writing stems from the soul- and I was pretty sure mine no longer existed.
That sounded good- brooding almost. So I wrote it.
Writing stems from the soul and I was sure mine no longer existed.
My hands were starting to shake as I finished the first line. Maybe that was enough for today. One part of my mind was telling me. I want more said another.
I'm scared.
My breaths were coming harder as I wrote that.
I want to be normal.
I dropped the pencil and closed the book. That was enough for one day.
-**-Bookends-**-
CPOV (that afternoon. Forks hospital)
"Good morning Mrs. Ermerson." I smiled at the white haired petite woman waiting for me in room A5. I glanced at her chart. She had come in for blood work. Possible heart condition.
I nodded as I read the results. Just what I thought. "Your test came back negative. So that is very good news." My eyes shifted from her relieved face to the possibly more relieved face of her husband. His hands were vice grips on her shoulders.
I smiled as I continued. "But, you know I like to error on the side of caution. So…" I rolled my stool over to the desk and wrote out a recommendation for our heart specialists. "This is Dr. Marcus' number. Now he is only here on the second Tuesday of the month but I will make sure Carol sets up an appointment for you to see him. This test was negative but there is still that little episode two weeks ago that concerns me." I saw Mr. Emerson's eyes widen around the word concern.
"Not in a threatening way. Just something I would like a more qualified opinion on." She turned and patted him on the chest. I could see he was still not completely sated on my answer. But she had that affect on him. The one that Esme had on me.
"Thank you Dr. Cullen." She said.
"Please. Call me Carlisle. And no need for thanks." I stood to leave and looked back one more time to see them sharing a private gentle kiss. It made me smile as I walked back to my office. They were in their seventies. Until a few weeks ago… I never thought I would even hope to be that happy at that age.
"Carol?" I said coming up to her desk. "Please make sure Martha Emerson is first on Marcus' list for next Tuesday. And reschedule the Webber twins for their shots. I want to get out of here early today and their mother said something about wanting to reschedule anyway."
Carol nodded. I headed into my office. There was a note taped to my phone. I hadn't even removed my coat and stethoscope. Good thing. It said I had a patient waiting in room C25.
I wondered about it. It wasn't Carol's handwriting. And she hadn't warned me about it when I came in the room.
"Carol? You know anything about C25?"
She shook her head. "No. But Brandy covered my lunch she might have taken the message and forgot. C wing is mostly just outpatient isn't it?" She was dialing Marcus so I let it go. I was pretty cool with just figuring it out as I went along.
Being an out patient, it could be something as simple as me just visually checking them for release. I could still make it home in time to surprise Esme with a home made… something. I was no cook. But I could bake. Maybe a cake. She liked chocolate.
I had decided by the time I hit C22—definitely a chocolate cake with dark chocolate icing. And some sliced strawberries on top. I was surprised to find no chart in the box on the door. Odd. I wondered if I had the right room.
Oh well. I knocked. "Come in." A quiet female voice answered.
"Good morning." I said searching by the door for a chart. This was getting a little unprofessional of my colleagues. "I'm Carlisle Cullen. I'm here to…" I laughed lightly. "I really don't know what I am here for."
"Me." I turned at the sound of her voice. It hit me at the same moment that I heard her—orange blossoms and spring flowers. Fuck.
Esme was sitting on the bed. She was wearing… well I wasn't sure what because she had a lab coat buttoned up over it. If I were not as strong of a man… I would have dropped from the sudden weakening of my knees.
She was smiling—the Cheshire cat. Fuck. Payback time buddy. I tried to hide my smile but failed miserably. She fucking pleased me to no end.
"What seems to be the problem?... Miss…" I raised my eyebrows as if her name was foreign to me.
"Cullen." She offered. Fuck me. I almost dropped to my knees at the sound of that. Esme Cullen. Since I was eight years old that was the name I always wanted next to mine. Mr. and Mrs.—Carlisle and Esme. I took in a sharp breath and tried to play along.
"My name is Dr. Cullen. And I am here to see you." Her eyes smoldered and I realized I was playing the wrong role. Immediately I removed my coat. She patted the bed. And I hopped up.
"Now." She took the glasses from my shirt pocket. I smiled. Her hand lightly brushed my chest and my heart jumped.
She put on my glasses and held up the tongue depress. "Say ah…" She opened her mouth as an example and my tongue nearly jumped out of mine to fill the space. Fuck. Play along Carlisle. She wants to do this. Give her the control.
My hands twitched to touch her as I complied and she leaned closer to look down my throat. She smelled so good. That other part of my brain—the one that existed to possess her, was waking up. We had welcomed the sunrise together on the floor in our bedroom. It was a wonder either of us could even move these days.
"Very good." She said stepping back and pretending to make a note on a chart. "Nice tongue." She said smiling. She put my glasses down.
"It has its moments." I admitted smugly. My hands inched closer to her. The longer I allowed myself to gear up for sex with her… the harder it was to control the other part of my brain.
She leaned in and sampled one of those moments. My hands jumped off of the bed but I slapped them down on my thighs. Let her do it her way. I reminded myself. She kissed me—long and deep and hard. Fuck. I loved this woman.
"Now, Carlisle, I am going to have to perform some tests on you…" She could perform whatever she wanted. I locked the door once I saw it was her. "If at any point during these tests you feel pain or discomfort… I would like for you to say red." I nearly laughed at that one. She was giving me a safe word. She was fucking adorable. I doubted there was anything she could do to me that would make me want to stop.
"Carlisle…" She leaned against my lips one more time. My mind was growing hazy from her breath. The animal was making me ready for anything. Already I was hard for her.
"Yes. Dr. Cullen…" My voice was thick with my need for her.
"Do you understand?"
"Red. Stop. Never gonna need it." She smiled at my husky response.
Her hand threaded through my hair—making my eyes roll back in my head. "Good." She whispered.
"Let's take this shirt off shall we." I nodded but kept my eyes closed. I was trying to gear myself up for this mentally. There was a fine line I would have to face right now. I had to give her the control—let her lead this. But I had to be ready to unleash the beast when she wanted it. Keeping him caged while she played was going to be… painful.
I felt her teeth on my nipple and I sucked in a sharp hiss. It felt really good. "How is your heart these days Carlisle?" She breathed against my flesh. Her tongue flicked out to taunt and play with my skin. It was on fire—every fucking inch of my body.
Her fingers traced the spot on my neck where my pulse was practically splitting my skin. "Pulse seems strong—good…" She bit the base of my neck. Bit it hard enough to maybe even draw blood. I couldn't hold back the moan. My hands jumped to her waste. My mind was yelling to stop… but fuck.
"Now… now." She backed away. The animal growled.
"We need to check the rest of you out. Please stand up and remove the rest of your clothes."
I complied. My pants were on the floor almost faster than I was. My boxers I removed slower—keeping her eyes locked with mine with every inch that I lowered them.
Her eyes were dark with lust. Good.
She eyed my obvious desire for her- But walked around to my back first. Her hands were on my shoulders and my moving down my back. Yes. Please. More.
I was so ready for her it hurt. Please Esme. Let me take over. No. Carlisle, she wants to do this. Let her have control. Balance. We needed a balance.
She came back around to my front. Her hands pressed against my chest. My hips thrust toward her against my will. I really needed to work on my self control. She was doing an amazing job. I was such a slave to my need for her.
She wrapped her hand around my erection. Fuck. My eyes rolled back in my head again.
"Turn and cough please." I could hear the smug smile in her voice.
I think my head turned to the side—I grunted instead of coughed. Too far gone. I was already too far gone.
"I need to do a psych evaluation on you I fear. You seem to be losing some cognitive responses. I'm going to ask you to do whatever I tell you to." I smiled. She was too fucking good at this. Smart girl.
She was going to let me loose—but under her supervision. Fuck I loved her.
"Carlisle," She waited until I opened my eyes and looked in to hers. "Please undress me." My blood pounded through my veins as I did it. All I touched were her clothes. She hadn't asked for anything else.
It was intoxicating—watching her growing more and more aroused as she controlled me. I wanted to follow her commands completely—whatever brought her more pleasure. It was always about bringing her pleasure first.
She braced her hands on my shoulders as I removed her shoes, socks, pants… and her panties. I knelt before her as I finished. I rather liked the position. I could see that she was just as ready for me as I was for her. I licked my lips.
She ran her fingers through my hair—like I was her pet tiger. I closed my eyes to the tingling sensation that her touch brought to my scalp. I purred with each pass of her fingers.
"Good boy." She whispered. She stepped closer to me. I could smell her—orange blossoms and spring flowers mixed with her arousal.
She drew me closer to her. I pulled my lips back to enjoy her. Thank you mistress… Please let me taste you.
"No." She said at the last second. I wanted to sigh. I would win her over to the idea of my lips on both sets of hers one day. She enjoyed it. She was just… new.
"Lie down on the bed." She commanded. I obeyed. But before I stood up I placed one quick kiss on her swollen flesh.
She gasped and I chuckled. She slapped my ass as I jumped up on the bed. I winked as I lay down.
"One more move like that I might have to refer you to another doctor." She threatened. I frowned.
"But your treatment is the only thing that helps." I feigned fear. "Please Dr. Cullen… I need you."
She smiled. "Put your hands above your head." She told me as she straddled me on the bed. For the first time since I saw her in this room I panicked that we might get caught. When she led at home, Esme liked to do things slow. She liked the build up. And though that was fucking awesome to do at home- It was only a matter of time until we were caught here.
"Esme…" I started to warn. She put her finger on my lips.
"Hands above your head. And if you want to speak again… it better be either a growl of desire or the word red." My hands gripped the top of the bed. I wouldn't say red. I didn't want to lose my job and my license. But I didn't want to stop more.
I groaned as she lowered her body on to mine—no warning she just took me deep inside her in one sharp move. Fuck. What was I saying about her liking it slow?
"Now…" Her fingers ran down my chest—her nails digging into the flesh lightly. Fuck that felt so good. The pounding was starting up again. She felt so hot and wet and sweet around me cock. And her smell was bringing the tiger to the surface.
I wanted to say her name—beg her to take me and put me out of my misery. But my mistress had given me an order. I opened my mouth and moaned my need for her.
She smiled. Her face was dark—she felt it. That high…that thrill of the control. It was fucking powerful to know that someone was totally at your mercy. That they were willing to throw away everything that they were for you. For even just a moment of pleasure with you.
Out breaths grew ragged in unison. She lowered her mouth to mine. Fuck. I growled as she bit my lower lip.
I was glad I was off the clock after this. I probably looked like I got beat up in the men's room.
She started to move above me. Fuck. I growled some more. Actually there was a permanent rumble in my chest. This woman was driving me…wild.
She started to gasp and whimper and cry out silently. That drove me more insane. I tried to hold still—she hadn't told me to move. It was getting… hard.
"Carlisle…" She whimpered. Fuck she was close.
"Please…" She begged. What could I do? She had me pinned down. I opened my eyes and told her as much with my eyes.
"Fuck me." She finally said. Thank you mistress.
I growled louder as I jumped to life. I threw her on the bed beneath me. Driving in to her. Moving my mouth and hands all over her body. I teased. I bit. I licked. She thrashed and cried. Our cries had no sound to them—but there was a building pulse in the air.
Fuck.
Everything was feeling. Everything was sensation and heat.
Everything was Esme.
And when we both reached our peak everything was light and sound and… perfection.
I collapsed on top of her. We were like we were every time we did this. Spent. Breathless. Fucking high.
My cheek was against her left breast and my mouth hung open drawing in gusts of air to steady my heart.
She seemed to calm sooner than me. But then she had the benefit of control today. Where as I was still a little intoxicated on the thrill of being controlled. Her fingers were in my hair again.
Fuck that felt good—everything she did felt good.
"I love you Carlisle." She said plainly. I smiled.
"No fair." I panted. "Can't breathe." She laughed. I rubbed my cheek against her breast. Mine. It was all mine. She was all mine.
Fuck.
"Marry me Esme." The words fell out like I was telling her the sex was great or we needed to buy milk on the way home. Automatic. I had mind blowing fucking awesome sex with her and then proposed marriage to her.
Her hand stopped. Her breath stopped. I rose up to see her face. What was she thinking? How bad had I insulted her?
I expected shock—and I found it. But then I saw something else I wasn't expecting. She was nodding her head. Her eyes were filled with tears. And she was speechless. And she couldn't stop nodding her head.
I nodded along with her for a moment.
"Yes." I said. She smiled and kept nodding silently.
I kissed her. "Yes." She said in agonizing sweetness. "Yes. Yes. Yes." The nodding was replaced with the quiet chanting.
"Let's get dressed." I offered. Her reply to that was also yes.
Once we were dressed and I pulled the sheets from the bed for wash. I suddenly felt like a total and complete bastard.
"I don't have a ring." I admitted. I hadn't thought of asking her before. I never wanted to be married again after Mary left. I never technically got divorced the first time. And I knew Esme didn't have fond memories of her first union.
"Don't need one." She said shrugging. She laced her fingers through mine. "Just keep these wrapped around my fingers and I'll be happy."
Happy. I kissed her. I loved her.
Yes. We were finally happy.
Carol raised her eyebrow when she saw us. I had made sure we fixed the good and fucked hair that we both were sporting but the good and fucked glow that we both had couldn't be hidden.
I told her goodnight and left with my future wife on my arm.
"Okay." I said when we got into the car. "We're even."
She threw her head back and laughed. "Caught me." She winked. Then a devilish gleam caught the corner of her eye.
She held her hands out in front of her toward me. "Take me in. Cuff me and punish me tonight. I've been a bad, bad girl."
Fuck.
-**-Bookends-**-
EPOV
I was sketching when she came in. I ran my hand along the side of her cheek on the page and smiled. I really missed being able to just touch her like that.
She didn't say anything. She just sat next to me and put her head on my shoulder. I guess that felt normal—casual.
It was just such a fucked up relationship that we had built from the start. We were kids who were possessed with emotions we couldn't understand. Then we were angry teenagers who beat each other up and messed with the other's heart because that was the only way we knew to show affection. But that day… when she said she loved me.
Fuck.
I was so fucking confused.
"What are we going to do now Edward?"
I shrugged. "Whatever you want. I don't really have any aspirations Bella." I really didn't—not anymore. I really only wanted to be with her. Help her heal. Show her how much I adored her and love her forever.
"What were your plans for school?" I could enroll with her. Go to college here. It was something.
"Edward." She chided. "You are more talented than the whole of Forks put together. You can compose. You can draw. You… you can do anything." I looked deep into her eyes. When she said it… I believed it.
I blinked—my mind blank to the options.
"But all I want is to be with you. And I'm not going to Boston Bella. I called the director this morning. She was bummed but she understood. Family comes first. There's no future without you." She pursed her lips as I continued. "Stop it right now, Isabella Swan. I'm not giving anything up. I'm gaining more time with you. So… stop." I raised one eyebrow and she giggled.
"You stop Edward… Cullen." We both smiled at that. I would never tire of the sound of it. "You are giving up a brilliant opportunity… and let's not pretend that that is something easy to do. Okay?"
I nodded. It was easy. Choosing Bella always had been and always would be the easy choice.
"So now what?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I'm going to tell my mom that I'm moving out. And then the sky is the limit."
My heart raced at the thought. Fuck. Esme was barely starting to warm up to the idea that I didn't need to die anytime soon. She would murder me when Bella told her that. She was only fucking fifteen.
"Bella." I tried to find the right words. Fuck. "Fuck Bella… we can't do that. You're a kid. I mean legally—you are very much a kid. We… I… don't put me in that position Bella."
Her face fell a little. I knew how she felt. There was enough shit in our lives that we both were middle aged teens. But this was reality. We had to face it like the adults we wanted to pretend we were.
"Well… Carlisle is letting Alice and Jazz move to New York this fall… maybe we can move with them? The four of us in New York. I have no idea what you and I will do…"
For a second I considered what she was saying. Fuck. Carlisle had some pretty large amounts of trust in his kids. And he had a pretty damn good reason to want an empty house.
I sighed. "What will we say we're doing in New York?"
"I don't know Edward. We will have to just live and see. Don't you want to do that? Don't you want to find that moment when we can just… live. This is our moment Edward… we get to choose what we want. Not just be what we should be."
I leaned over and kissed her lips. She didn't flinch. She didn't pull back. I had to admit. She seemed… a little less withdrawn. Maybe this would be good for us. A fresh start. Control in our hands. It sounded…really fucking good.
"Okay. We'll talk to Alice and Jazz. And then tonight we'll talk to Esme and Carlisle. But Bella..." She looked up at me with… hope in her eyes. Fucking hope. Shit. I forgot what I was going to say. I would do anything to keep that spark in her eyes.
"Yes Edward?" She asked in confusion.
"I love you." I whispered. She smiled. It didn't reach her eyes.
"And I love you."
Forever. My silent promise.
Forever.