Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
Chapter 25: When you're weary
-**-Bookends-**-
JPOV (the next day)
I sat in the tree house watching the rain fall. Edward told me once that sitting up here was the most peaceful experience of his life. As with a great deal of many things these days, I was finding out that I was a very different person from my brother.
Brother. I couldn't really even consider myself that anymore could I? I thought about what it meant to be a brother. I remembered Edward teaching me to tie my shoes. Saw him humming a lullaby to me when I had a bad dream. I could remember every time he screamed and came back to our room bleeding. He'd tell me to go to sleep and then he wouldn't. He'd stay up all night to keep me safe—protect me.
Edward's life was so full of hell and raging fear that sitting here must have been like a refuge from the world. He had spent so much of his childhood dealing with it. He had had his bones broken and skin torn. He had loss teeth and gotten stitches. There wasn't much that Edward hadn't seen and survived. But for me... I could still see the blood. I could still hear her screams.
I ran my hand over my face once more. There was a pressure building in the world below me. One that I was only adding to but was helpless to relieve. There was never only one person hurt in any situation. When love grows between two people it's impossible to separate the two when pain is introduced too. I was so lucky to have Al. We could talk and she could hold me and discuss this hell together. Bella... Bella was so naked and alone in her pain. And Edward… I closed my eyes and saw his cheek so bruised that it swelled to the size of a golf ball. His brown eyes were soft as he told me to just go to sleep. He'd protect me.
I pulled my legs up against my chest. I faced the Swan side of the tree. I could see Rose and Em teasing each other in the kitchen. He was standing behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist. He nuzzled her neck while running a stray hand down the front of her pants. She was playfully swatting him away. It was a seemingly odd image, to people who refused to believe that love could exist anywhere and with anyone, but one of the most comforting ones I had ever seen.
She had cut her hair short when she came home from the testing back east. She was on her official hormones and wanted her year of what she was calling female probation, to show in the length of her hair. There was no facade to make others feel comfortable around her when she was home. She didn't wear a wig, or her breasts. In fact she was wearing one of Em's shirts and a matching pair of sweats to the ones he was wearing. If it weren't for the touching you would have thought they were brothers hanging out in the kitchen. But as Em touched his lips lightly to Rose's and she wrapped her arms around his neck to deepen her end of the kiss... everything was perception. The outside world might try to say they see something wrong- I just saw two happy people in love.
Go to sleep Jazz. I'll stay up. You'll be safe. He's passed out by now anyway. Come on… you can sleep next to me. I won't sleep. I promise. I'll protect you.
I sighed. I would have to get used to this. If I wanted to be a decently successful psychiatrist I would have to get used to masking my opinion from what was the right thing to do. It was not the right thing for Bella to bottle this all up right now. But it was even more a wrong thing to push her by telling anyone her secret. She would break. And I feared there would be no coming back from that. In my mind were split images of Edward clutching a bleeding arm to his chest as our father tried to break down our bedroom door, and the image of Bella clawing at her own wrist in that hospital bed.
I shivered. Em and Rose were swaying to an invisible melody now. She rested her head on his shoulder and let him lead. It was so effortless for them. It was far from easy and it was risky and dangerous for her to go through with the surgery- But it was like breathing for her to know who she was and how she should go about living that way. When Em needed support Rose was there with open arms and when Rose needed a shoulder… well there she was resting against it.
Edward and Bella were getting good at that whole game. I even caught her smiling this morning. Well, not smiling, that implies some happiness in the expression, but she wasn't glaring at the floor. And her cheeks were a little flushed as Edward kissed her. So much progress in such a short amount of time. But that was the illusion. If you didn't know what was boiling under the surface, you would see Edward and Bella as such a happy, normal couple of kids. But I knew. She was seeking an end and he was holding them both back two inches from that edge.
No. I couldn't tell anyone her secret. Bella would kill herself. And Edward would follow her.
Fuck.
"What are you doing?" Alice whispered behind me. She had fallen asleep some time in the last hour. The rain was a peaceful pulse on the roof. We had been lying together listening to it when I was washed in my never ending guilt.
"I have to tell him Alice... but I..."
"Can't." Her tiny voice was anything but small in my ears. It was an echoed shouting in a silent monastery. As his brother I owed Edward the truth. He trusted me. He protected and looked out for me. I owed him the same in return. But I wasn't silent for Edward. I was silent for Bella.
"Just tell him Jazz. So the shit will hit the fan for a little while but, personally, I think Bella deserves that. She acts without thought because she knows there will be no consequence. Well there was one hell of a consequence this time... And..."
"Shut up Al." I whispered through dark lips. What she said sounded logical. But it wasn't true. The mind was a delicate blend of needs and realities. Bella would lose hers. Bella would probably have to be hospitalized and medicated if she was pushed too hard too fast. As it was, I was confident that she could be counseled around to facing this and moving on. But she was years away from that with the way her mind was protecting her right now.
"Sorry." Al mumbled though there was no true apology to it.
I turned to face her. She I could be serious and completely honest with. I fostered that and leaned on it heavily right now.
"Look... I know it seems like Bella is being some spoiled, sheltered little kid right now. But... well fuck Al, that's what she is. Bella never had the right training for a relationship like the one she has with Edward. Bella never had an outlet for the shit that pulls her down."
Al scoffed. "She had me."
"No. She had someone who faced hell so much worse than what she lived through that she began to view her problems as trivial. She pushed them down. She saw Esme push them down. She saw Charlie never have any problems. She saw Em laugh at problems. But our brother had more than problems. And he had some cosmic drive toward that lost little girl. She was drawn to Edward because he was release... he needed her and that was how her inner issues manifested themselves- as someone who could help someone else and make them feel wanted and needed, because that makes her feel wanted and needed."
Als brows formed a deep V. I swallowed hard against my "Jazz did too much research at the library last week" sounding speech.
"Look Al, I'm not going to do a full psych on her- mainly because I am completely unqualified to do it. But in regards to this... fuck Al." I sighed and went back to watching my sister and her fiancé kiss in their kitchen.
"She's fifteen. Even a grown woman would have problems just jumping back into life after what she survived. And she was pretty damned troubled before she got pregnant. There isn't much stability to jump back to."
Al huffed. "Jazz, you and I have both survived stuff a lot worse and much younger. She's just being Bella. Edward's back and she knows he will take care of her. I'm telling you now, I knew from the moment Edward and you came back and Bella started giving him attention that it would end up like this. I knew that that boy would finally open up and love something. And that if she didn't pull her shit together and figure out who she is... well hell we all see what would happen..."
"Shut up Alice." It should have seemed wrong to say it. This time it wasn't some hoarse whisper. This time it was strong and true and loud enough that she knew I meant it. I wasn't joking. She didn't know shit about it this time.
"Bella is FIFTEEN Alice. Her mind and body have had no time to figure anything out about what it just went through. She took a drug that really fucked with her mind. She no sooner got home than she jumped in to sex. SEX ALICE! You know as well as I that that is not something that you just do. Your body and mind are saturated in so many hormones that you can't think straight. And those hormones mix with emotions that fuck with your mind all the more. Did she do it to keep him? Did she do it to protect him? Did she do it because it was right and pure- or for some other reason. All of that crap is in her head along with the knowledge that everyone she should be able to lean on would hate that decision. And then the guy she put that much trust in was gone." Her face loss some of the shock as I started to make sense.
"Fuck Alice! Think about it. Bella was trying to be some grown up adult all in one moment and she was still trying to handle nearly fucking dying. Then she finds out that she's pregnant and she knows that Esme won't help her. Hell every adult in her life betrayed her and symbolized a loss of Edward. So she kept it a secret. It wasn't right but it wasn't hard to see where she was coming from."
Alice's face pulled into an 'O'. "Now when someone gets pregnant, and I am no expert, but I am pretty sure that there are all sorts of hormones screwing with your mind and emotions then too. And Bella had her fears intensified. Terrifying. Seriously Alice, she was terrified... and she was stressed. Stressed and confused, and scared so shitless that she forced her body to... fuck Alice. Can you imagine feeling so scared that your body would do that? That your body would say that it wanted to hurt it self? Because that's how Bella sees it Alice. She thinks she hurt her body so hard and deep that it decided to hurt her back. Can you imagine that?"
"Yes Jazz, I can." She was looking down at her hands when I looked back. Fuck. Would there ever come a day when someone in this family didn't feel like this? For the one millionth time since I found the flyer that day we faced Tanya in court, I was glad that I was going into psychiatry.
"Alice." My voice was softer now but I still felt a need to defend Bella. Mostly because I didn't agree with what I was allowing to happen. But I had to let it happen.
"You know you can always talk to me."
"I know. And that's why I can't stand watching her. Can't she see what this is doing to him Jazz? Can't you? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She's killing him just as much as she did herself and all she has to do..."
"Is what Alice?" I snapped. She froze as I attacked once more. "She's fifteen. Esme wanted to castrate him before. You don't think that prison is in his future if she were to find out that Bella was pregnant? And don't..." I threw up my hands to stop what I knew she would say. "She would do it Alice. She is seething under the surface right now. She can't stand having him back. She wanted to deny him the right to be adopted. Seriously Alice. She was willing to rob him of his identity and you think that she won't see that as rape. How many times did I tell her the truth about that night at Push? And she still wants to blame him."
"But why would she even have to know?"
I sighed. This was so exhausting. "Because the help Bella will need can only be approved through her legal guardian until she is over eighteen. Esme would have to know. It's insane Alice. I know. But she's trapped by her age. And dealing with stuff way above her maturity level. And fuck. Those are all really superficial problems compared to what is really keeping her silent right now. Right now in her mind... she couldn't tell Edward even if she tried. Her mind wouldn't let her. She's not so much in denial as just split personalities. One that says it's not fair to burden Edward and... one that says its all his fault."
Alice gasped and it was finally my turn to look confused. "Edward asked me not that long ago if Bella felt..."
"Raped?" I offered. Her little eyes were wide with pain. I nodded. "Yes. She feels that way. Just like a victim of abuse or an attack like rape, Bella is trapped by the trauma. She is ashamed and she is hurt. And she is afraid to force anyone to share it with her. I wouldn't doubt that when she opens her mouth to confess it that she loses the ability to speak."
"God Jazz..." Alice rested her forehead on my shoulder. What is it like to be so ruled by fear?"
I laughed- sarcastic and dark.
"No." Alice raised her head to make her point. "We feared someone else. We feared what would be done to us. Even Edward feared Tanya and Ed more than himself. Bella... she's afraid of her… of Bella- Of what she did to her baby. Of what she is doing to Edward. Afraid that she is nothing worth saving. And..."
Tears welled and flowed from her midnight blue eyes. Eyes that looked just like my adopted father's. How I had never noticed that she was Carlisle's biological daughter I would never know.
"We can't do it for her Alice. Bella is only going to survive this if she finds the strength inside of her. We have to help her find that. But she has to take that last step... alone."
I wiped the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. And for another long minute we sat there together- just listening to the rain.
"What was in the envelope Jazz? You never told me."
I sighed and watched Rose finish dinner with Em off doing something in another part of the house. She had a contented smile on her lips. Life was good in that preserved moment.
"Nothing."
"What?"
I turned to her and leveled her with my crooked smile. "My real name is Jasper Ethan Hale. And my parents were Peter and Charlotte Hale. Peter died before I was born. Charlotte had his sperm frozen and had… me created I suppose you might say. She wasn't in the best of health to begin with herself, but she wanted a child. She survived the entire pregnancy but died at my birth. There was a letter from Charlotte telling me this. And a birth certificate." I shrugged. The rain was falling harder now. But it was nothing. I burned it.
She hit my shoulder. "Jazz how could you? That is... well..."
"What Al?" I laughed. "That's not who I am. You're going to tell me that some piece of paper dictates history?" I shook my head and she fought her smile as I continued to flash mine. "Nah. I was never a Hale and only briefly a Masen. I've always been a Cullen. Just like you and Rose... and Edward."
She nodded and rolled her eyes. Then that devilish gleam that she got more recently since we started to explore a more physical relationship took over her cute little face. Vixen.
"Although." She purred and teased the air in front of my lips with her own. I instinctively forgot about everything but her scent and how close we were. "I do kind of like the name. Jasper." She whispered. I groaned when she pulled back before I could touch my lips to hers.
"It's a stupid name Alice. My name's Jazz." I whimpered as her little tongue touched my lips but she still kept me from kissing her.
"Can't I call you it... please?" Her breath pushed toward my face as she whispered.
"Call me whatever you want." I grabbed her and she squealed as I rolled us to the bed. I captured her lips with mine.
"Oh." We both gasped and turned at the small voice from the Cullen side of the tree house. We were frozen as we saw Bella fumbled with not looking directly at us.
Fuck.
"Bella." I said. I tried to pull off of Alice but Bella was already half down the tree when I got to the opening.
"I'm sorry you guys. I just... have you seen my notebook?" She stood at the base of the tree and refused to look up at us.
"I saw it in your underwear drawer a few minutes before I came up here." I looked over at Alice with a raised brow.
"That's where we keep the tampons." She swatted my arm and rolled her eyes.
When we looked back down... Bella was gone.
I sighed.
"Moot point?" Alice said picking one small fingers at the fly of my jeans. I nodded.
"Come on." I said and had her follow me down out of the tree. The rain had slowed enough that it wasn't dangerous.
I took a minute longer before I followed her to go back inside. I looked first at the image of Rose having Em taste her cooking and the light kissing that they shared in their domestic bliss. And then I stared at the dark sanctuary of the tree house. No. I wouldn't go back up there. I doubted that it would be a relief to any of us to end up in that tree ever again.
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (Journal day 2)
HURT. CRY. LOVE. WANT. NEED. PAIN. Edward. SLEEP. TALK. BLOOD.
This thing is stupid. I hate it. I hate that I need it. I just hate. I'm broken—humpty dumpty. Fuck. I want to kiss him like I used to. I want him to kiss me like he wants to. No. Can't do that. Can't let. Can't do that.
"Bella?" Em was standing at my door tossing a football in the air and catching it. He looked so goddamn happy.
I smiled. For the first time in a long time it just came naturally—I didn't have to force it.
"You keeping my lady busy today I hear?" I nodded. He tossed me the football and in classic me form it bounced off of my palm and out the window.
He sighed but not in surprise or even aggravation. "How are you doing these days sis?" He put one hand on my desk, on top of my closed notebook. And the other hand was placed on the back of my chair. My big brother's eyes scrutinized my face while I swallowed.
"Fine." It was the best I could offer. It's what everyone wanted to hear. Happy was a lie that I couldn't prove. Sad was something that tore only on to the surface of the pain and led me into the temptation of despair. Fine was average. And that was what I was—nothing special.
"Kay." He said and kissed my forehead. "Stay that way for me please." He mumbled as he left the room. It was weird. I shared everything with Emmett. All of our lives we knew everything about each other. But this… I realized that my mouth was open and my jaw was working up and down. There was a tight constricting feeling in my chest. Em shut the door before sound could come from my throat. I didn't even remember what I was trying to say. I just knew that I wanted him to know it.
Frustration. That should be one of my words tomorrow. Confusion. I eyed the notebook. Was it okay to go back and write more even after I closed it? Jazz hadn't given me any rules but the ten words to dump out first. I reached for the pen and pulled back the cover but then my conversation with Em rattled in my brain.
Shit! I was due to be over at my old home to spend the day with Rosalie. Perfect. Just what I needed to be around right now—someone who could face her issues with such grace that everyone around her just pretended to be as perfect as her.
Fuck.
I tucked my notebook back under the tampons in my underwear drawer. I glared at the offensive little blue box. All of my hell started that day that I saw the unopened box in my suitcase. Before then I was happy about where things were going with Edward. Happy to have had sex with him.
But that damn box gave me… hope. One that I should have recognized for the lie that it was. The promise that just this once I would actually get what I wanted. The deception that I was cut out to be all that Edward needed me to be.
I slammed the drawer shut and headed over to my old home. By the weekend Edward and I would be gone. Hopefully my mother consented. I didn't give a fuck right now. I just wanted to be gone. To be something new or something else. I needed to cast off the sweater that was Forks and breathe with the sun on my face.
-**-Bookends-**-
Rose POV
Bella sat on the couch staring at the television. She wasn't watching it. I didn't know what she was watching.
"Bells? You mind moving I need to cleanse the room of your negative aura."
She just stood up and shuffled to the entryway. She stood there by the door—like she heard me but she didn't. She knew I told her to move, but she was waited for the next command.
Damn. "I was just joking Bells." I tried to smile but she seemed more depressed by any symbols of happiness these days.
I refused to feel bad about how I handled her just as I refused to allow her to wallow un-nudged. I agreed with Jazz to a point. Bella's mind had to work through this. But fuck me if I wasn't going to be just the girl who kicked her ass through it faster.
"How's the… stuff going?" Bella asked with that hollow voice as I came to lean against the front door next to her. I shrugged. I just watched her. I frankly was fed up with feeding everyone the same bullshit about what was happening with my body.
I knew. Em knew. Dad knew. No one else really mattered. I mean, I gave a shit about everyone I loved but it was just a question that was pushed at me. And frankly, to my ears it sounded less like an interest and more like a constant affirmation that the person posing the question knew I was a transgender candidate. It was like when you graduated from high school. The next four years of your life is simply the same question—how is college?
Not that I didn't think that Bella really wanted to know—that she was concerned for my health and just for me and asking that helped fill out what information she had on me. But fuck me. I was tired of being reduced to one question. Ask me how big the tits I picked out were. Em nearly choked when I showed him. Sexually confused my ass. That boy liked all parts of every body.
"How's the handling the miscarriage thing going?" I said in a non threatening tone. She flinched but she didn't drop dead like Jazz was acting like she would. I kind of didn't like the taste in my mouth after I asked it. But I knew that Bella needed it. She needed to see that they were just words. She had the power over them, not the other way around.
"Bells? Seriously you need to just talk to people." Her eyes were wide when they looked back at me. There was an anger there that I hadn't seen for a long time… and a… wildness that told me she was going to do something stupid and maybe dangerous.
Fuck. "Bella." I said in a commanding voice. It sounded strange to me—a man's voice. It was a sound that I hadn't heard from my own body in years. I suppressed that quickly to handle the shit fit in front of me.
Her breath was ragged and a devilish smile played across her face. Fuck. I wasn't looking at Bella. I was looking at whatever was hiding that pain from her. Rule number one—always listen to Jazz. Got it.
"You really want to know?" She whispered in a lethally dark voice. I got a chill down my spine.
"Bella." I said again.
"I'm just fucking dandy. Since that's what everyone wants right?"
"Bella."
"I'm not allowed to be anything but FINE. I'm just… FINE."
"Bella."
"And Edward is going to drown in my dark pit of despair that I am throwing him into… but who the fuck cares right? At least I look FINE."
"Bella."
"What!" One tear slid down her cheek.
"Nothing." I said shrinking back from her. I had to admit it. She was in a place where I couldn't reach her. Jazz could because he was there—and I would be there for my little brother as much as he needed me because I could see it wasn't a happy memory for him either. Edward reached her on a level none of us could understand. But even he was blocked from this.
I waved her back into the living room and she slung out on the couch once more. She was a zombie. And I was actually afraid of her. Afraid that one day whatever was holding her together would break—and the Bella would come tumbling down.
-**-Bookends-**-
EPOV (same moment)
Carlisle was running his fingers through his hair when I came into his office. It was fucking weird. I had been in his study at home a thousand times since I moved here. I wasn't sure if I had ever been to his office at the hospital.
"What's up Edward?" He asked without turning his face up to see me. Fuck.
I rolled my eyes. "You already know that… well the music thing wasn't really what I wanted to follow." That was a fucking lie. The more time I had spent alone for the past four fucking months the more I had grown to love the release of my music. But then I had focused on my art with more fucking passion too. I was confident that I could make a living out of either one in the near future. Fuck. I could sling burgers and pump gas too. I was far from fucking proud in that department.
"Yes." There it was. The fucking "I'm not going to judge you but you know that you are stupid, right?" sigh. I rolled my eyes again.
"What are the odds that… how are things with Esme?" I flashed that fucking wide tooth grin that I could never hide when I was nervous like this.
Carlisle's confused expression would have been fucking comical if I wasn't terrified of having a heart attack from the fear.
"What?" Fuck.
When in doubt go with the Cullen approach—just tell the whole truth without warning. "I want to take Bella with me… I'm following Jazz to NY and… I'm not going to leave her again Carlisle."
I hoped that my words sounded more mature than fucking whiny kid like. He narrowed his eyes. "Have you spoken to Esme?" I raised my brows. He wanted to fucking play it like that?
"You looking to move her back across the yard so fast old man?"
His lips were tight, but I knew it was because he was trying not to smile. He knew I fucking had him there. I would only fight with her and that would only lead to Carlisle defending me. And that couldn't end well.
"I will talk to her. But Edward… promise me that she'll be with Alice and you won't push her into anything… stupid. She's young and she deserves the chance to be young for awhile." That was a no-brainer. I loved Bella too much to let her get in trouble like that.
I nodded pensively. "How young were you when you got married?" He started at my question.
"Nineteen." His face fell blank. The 60K question was coming up. And he knew it.
"How old was she when she got married?" He scowled.
"Seventeen." He sighed. I smiled. Two more years, huh? I could live with that. Besides, Esme had to fucking coming around to loving me eventually. I wouldn't give her any other option.
"No." Carlisle said flatly. I just winked and left the room.
"EDWARD!" He bellowed and I chuckled when the fucking nurses looked at me with wide eyes. I was actually going to fucking miss shaking up the small town of Forks.