Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
Chapter 26: More of less the same
-**-Bookends-**-
"Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know that you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone."
(Kelly Clarkson Already Gone)
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (Seattle, Two years after leaving Forks)
He was so beautiful when he slept.
I reached out a finger and traced the contours of his face. The high slope of his hair line. The smooth line of his forehead. The delicious arch of his eyebrow. The pensive dip of his eyelid. The straight line of his nose. His lips puckered unconsciously as the pad of my finger whispered over them.
I smiled.
My finger seemed stuck on those lips. It circled the outline of his mouth three times before I had the power to will it to continue. I followed the indentation of his chin to his jaw. Then I followed the strong line of his jaw to his ear. He made a light groaning-whimper when my fingers stroked through his unruly hair.
I lightly scratched his scalp and he stirred enough to roll over to me. He secured his arms around my body. His lips parted as he snuggled his cheek to my breast. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
It was impossible to wrap my brain around, but we had finally fallen into a semi normal routine. It had been nearly two years since we left Forks, I wasn't looking forward to going back there in a week. It seemed like no matter how many miles we put between us and my hometown, or how many years went by before we returned, a life like this was always going to feel new. Different.
That thought just pissed me off. Edward deserved a quiet, peaceful, normal life. I sighed. My finger traced the slope of his neck down to his shoulder.
In truth this life we were living right now was brand new. The boxes were still waiting to be unpacked downstairs. This was the first time in two years that Edward had suggested that maybe we put down some roots. At least for a little while.
I thought back to the day he told we were leaving- together. To my mother's worried expression. To the nerves that turned my stomach inside out. Two years. Twenty-four months. Where did the time go?
It was months before Edward finally talked me into leaving New York. I turned sixteen a few weeks after we moved to the east coast. And I was nearly seventeen when he came home with the plan to leave.
New York had been good for both of us. Edward got a job as a janitor at an art gallery and I was able to land a job as a waitress for this funky club near our apartment. Jazz and Alice started school. And Edward and I... never talked about sex.
And as I had done with every other painful thing in my life, I walled up the hurt and I found a way to survive. I became some other Bella. A girl with no past in Forks and a possible future somewhere else. The nightmares still came... and fuck did they scare Edward. But I could take deep breaths again and I started to feel a little more alive.
Jazz spent his afternoons trying to help me through it but mostly I pulled away from even asking him. It wasn't fair to him.
Fair.
I took a deep breath and rested my lips against Edward's forehead. Nothing was fucking fair for anyone in my life anymore. It wasn't fair to my mother that I briskly thanked her on my way out of town for letting me leave—then I proceeded to never call her except for holidays.
It wasn't fair to Jazz that I expected him to be a professional therapist. I begged for his help and pleaded for his silence. That wasn't fucking fair. Jazz had just as much shit to work through from that night too.
Not fair Bella.
It wasn't fair to Alice. She was having fun experiencing college. She took every class you could think so long as it was not art related. She refused to learn anything new about what she called a 'tired subject'. She wanted to gain experience in other areas, see if there were any other interests that she could take on. It wasn't fair that every time she came home excited about something she was learning she had to deal with my pouts and sulks.
It just wasn't fucking fair.
But mostly it wasn't fair to Edward. I pushed away from school because he did. He gave up the academy because I was the biggest bitch around. He refused to leave me alone for anything but work. And because he refused to enroll at a school I followed suit. But it wasn't just school or even my constant moodiness that wasn't fair to Edward- it was the fact that I was no longer a whole person. I couldn't be one tenth of the whole woman that Edward needed, deserved to have beside him. And that was so un-fucking-fair that I wanted to scream until my lungs bled.
I sighed and thought back to our little life in New York. It was anything but reasonable but for a moment it had seemed like it was good. Or at least okay.
But there was a poison that started to eat at the walls of the possible happy life we had built. Every goddamn day I cringed to see Edward leave for work. Sundays, I liked Sundays. Edward didn't have to go to work on Sundays. But Monday through Saturday Edward would put on his uniform, give me the sweetest kiss and head off to work. He would fucking whistle on the way—whistle tunes that he could have been composing at the academy.
Like some ironic fucking slap to his face he found himself sweeping floors and dusting paintings at an art gallery when he himself was a fantastic artist. And to top it the fuck off, he would leave me postcards around the apartment. I would take a shower and come back to our bedroom to find a five by seven piece of paper with a drawing of me sleeping sketched on it. He never said anything about it—in fact Edward and I had pared our conversations down to very basic verbal communication.
We didn't need words—we had our kisses and the warmth of each other's embrace as we slept.
Not fucking fair, Bella.
It broke my heart every damn day. The only solace I found in it was the realization that I still had a heart. But the longer we remained in New York the more I sulked. The more my bottom lip was sucked between my teeth. And the more awkward it seemed that I lived with a man and slept in his arms every night but I did little more than give him chaste kisses while standing by the front door.
Sex was still a topic that had me on the floor clutching my knees and shaking. I knew I would just live the rest of my life without it. I didn't need it. It ultimately served one purpose and I had no intention of having a... I just didn't need it anymore. Most days I could fool my stupid brain into believing that. Then Edward would come home and take off his shirt.
Fuck. Those muscles. That hair that dusted down his chest and flowed beneath the waist of his pants. He only got better with age. My body would betray more desire than my mind was willing to handle. And I would have to work twice as hard to ignore my desires because I knew they would only lead to pain.
The dreams were the worst. I would have dreams that made my heart pound and make me practically drip with need for Edward. And with the feel of his weight around and above me the dreams would grow more and more vivid- seem more and more real. There were many nights that I awoke to a cold sweat and an aroused hunger. Those were the nights that I ended up sleeping on the couch. Because I was a fucking failure as a woman.
Coward.
Edward would hear my moans. See me leave. And just roll over and leave me to working through my shit on my own. What else could he do? I either shut down or lashed out when he tried to talk about any of it. So eventually he gave up trying to understand it. He was happy to live with whatever we had. He didn't need or want much of anything. Just to hold my hand at dinner. Just to sit by me on the couch before bed.
That wasn't true Bella. Tell the truth. You know what he wants. What he needs. What he deserves.
It wasn't fucking fair. Edward was a creature of raw inspiration. I was draining that light from his soul—killing his living flesh with my already dead body. Turning a life that should be filled with vibrancy into a dull beige carpet.
The day Edward came home from work early I was so wrapped in the haze of blah that was becoming our existence that I hardly noticed the excitement in his eyes.
"Bella, we need to talk." My first reaction had been panic. I was still religiously writing in my journal. I was up to five solid pages of thoughts every morning by then. But living with Edward made it difficult for me to hide the entries—always put me on edge that he would find out. I had thrown the idea of ever discussing the incident with him out the window completely. I just couldn't do it.
I looked like a damn hand puppet whenever I tried. And believe me... I'd tried.
I said nothing but stared at him with wide eyes. I was certain that he had found one of the journals and he wanted answers. Could I give them to him? No. Did I want to? No. I needed Edward like other creatures needed food and water. I was the demon living off of his very essence. Without Edward… there was no Bella. And if he ever found out the truth, he would leave me.
You're such a fucking coward Bella.
I didn't respond to his statement. I just allowed the moment of dread to wash over me. I wouldn't cry. I would just fall apart. Maybe then he would drop the questions altogether and just shrug it off. I searched his face. Was he angry with me? I went straight for his eyes. His eyes were truly the gateway to his thoughts. That's when I saw it—there was a glimmer of hope in Edward's eyes. One that I hadn't put there and for some strange reason that tiny glimmer made me hopeful. It meant there was something beyond our little apartment that gave Edward a bright vision of the future.
You couldn't find the fucking sun if you were standing on it Bella.
"I don't want to live in New York anymore." He stated simply. His eyes watched mine—chocolate determination met with emerald emptiness.
"Okay." I finally mumbled. I wanted to feel relieved that the topic was something other than my depressing ramblings, but I was still on edge. I no longer handled change with ease. Moving would mean finding a new routine.
He shook his head and chuckled.
My mind went blank.
He fucking chuckled. I remember blinking my eyes rapidly and committing the sound to my memory. Edward hadn't found anything funny enough to laugh about for what seemed like years. The sound was… intoxicating. It actually had a smile peeking through my shell of depression.
He peeked at me as he spread the maps out on the table. His crooked smile suddenly sneaked out and something in my mind split. It was like spinning a clock on a supernatural axis and truly restarting time. I was sucked back through the last couple years of my life and staring at a younger Edward. Edward Masen, not Cullen. And he was happy and excited to be sharing something with me.
Fuck.
There was some part of me that jumped up. A part that had been sleeping that suddenly found a doorway to the outside. Edward was smiling. He was hopeful.
Can't we be hopeful just this once too Bella?
Jazz called it my revelation—lying here in Edward's arms tonight, I call it my last straw. Either way I started acting like a damn human again- at least in some ways.
Edward's idea was simple. Let's just go. We took out a pair of dice and we numbered places on the map that we wanted to visit. Each new city sounded better than the next. All of the sudden I was some innocent kid who couldn't wait for tomorrow. Sitting at the top of the fucking stairs with Em guessing what Santa would bring us… It was some bright promise and not some dark burden. Number after number went down on the map. Then Edward handed me the die. The number of the roll dictated the destination of choice.
I closed my eyes and tossed them.
By the time Alice and Jazz got home from school we were nearly packed. We had ordered take out Chinese and Edward was tickling me on the couch to weasel the last egg roll from my clutches.
"Stop… I can't breathe!" I shouted between giggles. Edward laughed along with me. It was the sweetest fucking moment of our lives in a very long time.
"Wow." I turned with watery vision and a fresh giggle on my lips to find Jazz staring directly in to my eyes.
The new Bella faltered briefly at the sheer weight of Jazz's stare. There were so many worries wrapped in questions and maybe even a hint of anger swirling in his icy blue orbs.
"Edward and I are leaving." I announced suddenly.
Edward pulled away and sat up next to me on the couch. I followed him and chanced a glance to gauge his response to my outburst. To my relief I saw a wide beaming smile plastered across his face. New Bella was encouraged and empowered by the sight.
I looked back at Alice and Jazz. Alice was ecstatic. She was bouncing and clapping and rushing over to me to hear all the details. "I just knew something was up. My brother was spending far too much time at the bookstore last night. See Edward, I knew it wasn't for books!"
I laughed lightly but my attention was still drawn to Jazz's eyes. You're leaving me. They said. He slipped out of the look effortlessly, and without either Alice or Edward noticing it. But I saw it.
"Where to?" He asked pulling up a chair from the kitchen and sitting by Alice.
"Jacksonville, Florida." Edward and I said in unison.
Jazz snorted. "What's in Jacksonville?"
Alice swatted his arm but then turned her curious eyes on us. "Seriously though… what is there to do there?"
I shrugged. Edward's goofy ass grin pulled his cheeks apart.
"We'll see when we get there." He beamed.
So we went down south. I discovered that humidity was a concept never fully appreciated in Forks. I also learned that sun was something I would never grow to love. Edward and I got jobs at the same little dive at the end of town. It was one of those clichéd hole-in-the-wall bars where starving artists came to open mike nights and patrons lived under a constant cloud of smoke and lost dreams.
I loved the place—The Hole, aptly named. It was a breeding ground for creative energy. I found that the longer Edward and I lived in Jacksonville my journal entries stopped being all about the fears and panics in my mind and started becoming quirky tales and clever recounts of the nightly oddities at the bar. Once I found myself writing a scene from a double shift on a scrap of paper at the kitchen table—not even bothering to hunt down the journal. Not really feeling the need to have to use the dread book. I could create this for me, and not just for my "therapy". I hadn't remembered to put the story with the other entries before going to bed and Edward was reading it at the table the next morning at breakfast.
"This is great." He said glancing up at me and giving me that ever charming smile of his. I smiled back but felt old Bella worry over what deeper levels might be hidden in that 'great' story. It was still, after all, an exercise in me facing the troubles in my mind.
Edward laughed as he continued to read. "Bella you have to keep writing this. I forgot how good you are with words." His eyes were so fucking soft and youthful when they glanced up again.
Old Bella forced a smile and ran to the fridge to not let Edward see the cracking in her façade. Like I said, no matter how strong the change seemed to take hold the past was still stronger. New Bella… she wasn't sure what to do at all. Something about what he said, maybe even the way he said it, made me ashamed of myself.
"You guys still playing tonight?" I called as I poured myself some orange juice.
"Yah." He said still snickering occasionally. Edward had become the Picasso of bartenders for The Hole but he had also become a local favorite with the bar's piano. He played back up for bands or sometimes he just played solo. And he stole my breath away with each brush of his fingers across the keys.
So much like Carlisle without even trying—there truly wasn't anything Edward couldn't do if he simply put his mind to it.
So stop holding him back Bella.
New Bella had to beat back the frustration in old Bella. It still wasn't fucking fair. He should have been composing symphonies for concerts in Boston. Not taking requests from tourists for tips.
But then, good things did come out of our stint at The Hole. That's where Edward met the guys. The Denalis. They were a band of three brothers who were looking for a piano player. A few nights at the bar and soon there was a tiny tour of local dives to go along on. That's when we said goodbye to Florida.
I can't say I was particularly sad to leave. But Jacksonville had granted me the first bit of stability that I had been able to bring to my life since before Edward had to go back to Tanya. It would always hold a special place in my heart.
I sighed, pulling myself from my thoughts how I got here today. Edward's hands started to rub the tension from my back as his breathing hitch in that deep snore that made the hair on the back of my neck tingle. Edward was so dam adorable when he slept. I rolled my eyes and tried to battle with my stupid brain to just go to sleep. But it wasn't working.
Edward burrowed his face in to my neck- inhaling deep and kissing my throat. "Love you..." he murmured in his sleep.
My chest squeezed. That was my cue to get up and out.
I eased out of his embrace. He whined gently but otherwise didn't stir. Good. I needed a moment with my thoughts. I padded over to the window seat.
I wasn't going to get used to this—living here, in Edward's childhood house. I had never been allowed to visit the Masen house growing up. And Edward never truly hated anything else in his life but this house.
I pressed my palm flat against the cool glass of the window. The night air looked thick and cool with an early morning mist but there was no promise of rain in tonight's forecast.
Naturally. I really wanted to hear the fucking patter of rain right now. Next to Edward's snoring it was one of the only sounds that could truly sooth me. I drew that same finger along the clear smooth glass.
He fucking loves you Bella. Just go to the fucking closet and pack. Let him move on.
I bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. I hated my fucking mind. My eyes stung like tears were going to fall. That surprised the shit out of me. I hadn't actually cried since that night Edward came back to me.
Mentally I started counting to one hundred. I needed to pull these thoughts together again. Already my hands were starting to shake with the building fear. If I didn't refocus my thoughts I would start getting violent with myself.
Count all you want Bella… you aren't a fucking vampire on Sesame Street. Grow the fuck up.
I caught sight of a dilapidated swing hanging from a tree in the backyard. Funny, Edward never mentioned anything about swings. Edward never mentioned a lot about this house. He would tell me Tanya was a bitch. Tanya's guys were assholes. He never talked about Edward Sr. but he had nightmares about him.
I spied Edward over my shoulder. The sheets were pulled bellow his waist. I was captivated by the steady rise and fall of his back as he slept peacefully on his stomach. I wondered at the irony. Would that be what it would be like when I left him? A moment of worry that I was gone and then a total abandon to the serenity that my absence would bring.
When you leave him, Bella?
I closed my eyes. I stopped counting and went back to remembering. We toured every little no name dive in the nation—worked our way back to the west coast. We had made an agreement to not step foot in the entire state of Washington though. I didn't want to be anywhere near Forks and Edward hated the idea of Seattle. For a few months the plan worked.
Then Garrett got the call. Apparently it was a big deal—so big time club that impressed even Edward when he mentioned it. It put us back in Seattle but it was guaranteed standing appointment. After six months of sleeping in a van with four boys—I welcomed the opportunity to buy a ratty little apartment for awhile.
But Seattle. Edward's own personal Forks. Fuck.
He did beautifully as they talked about the gig. He mastered the art of even looking hopeful when we pulled into town. But when we started looking for a place to live…
I always admired the way Edward handled his past. He was never an easy personality for other people to get along with. Fuck he wasn't always crooked smiles and giggles with me either. But he never seemed to dwell on the shit-ass life this house forced on him. And he never really showed the anger like I did everyday at hating fucking parents for all the torture they put you through.
Take fucking notes Bella. That's how a good child acts.
Acts… And it was all an act.
Tanya didn't even fucking tell him. She and Phil packed up and moved away. No forwarding address. No note to the sons she claimed to love more than her own life. No mention of the fact that she was leaving town without selling the house.
In all honesty I had meticulously planned not only house hunting but our general life in Seattle away from Edward's old neighborhood. But just like me and those damn thoughts of Port Angeles hospitals… Edward's feet just carried us there on our first day in the city.
The windows were covered in boards. The bushes were uprooted and there was graffiti on the front door. But that's not what finally broke Edward's eerie calm. It was the huge 'For Sale' sign planted in the front yard.
"What the fuck…" he whispered. I stayed on the sidewalk while he slowly inched closer to the sign. I wanted to hunt that bitch down and do more than spit in her face. I wanted to break her nose. How dare she?
Edward gingerly reached out a finger but stopped his hand from making contact just before it reached the 'a' in sale. His shoulders were rising and falling in that old familiar Tanya shit pant. It made my guts squeeze to see it.
"Edward… I'm so sorry." He dropped his hand and balled his fists at his sides. I made a mental check list of all the work that the house needed—at least what I could see from my vantage point on the street. Edward just stood there, staring at that sign.
It wasn't the fact that the house was for sale. Edward never wanted to live here. It was the fact that she left him. The sign was a vigilant reminder that his mother was willing to sell every last memory of his childhood to help her self. She would never be there for Edward.
You're gonna fucking kill him Bella.
I gasped. The sound drew Edward out of his thoughts. "Bella? You okay baby?" I panicked. Why the fuck did he insist on calling me that? I let out a ragged breath and nodded. Suddenly Edward's arms were around me. He was whispering comforting words to me.
Fuck. I was such a worthless human being. Yes you are Bella.
So he bought it. Slapped down a wired check from Carlisle and invested in what he called the shittiest piece of real-estate anyone could own. I asked him what color on the Monopoly board Shittingplace was.
At least I made him laugh that night.
But now here we were. Living some shell of an existence, pussyfooting around the heart failures waiting to kill us and yet we were happy. No. Not happy. But we were content.
You're such a fucking liar Bella.
"No…" I blinked my eyes open at the sound of his groan. Edward writhed around until the covers were twisted around his legs. By the time I got to the bed he was covered in a cold sweat.
We were such a matched pair.
"Edward," I whispered. I didn't want to wake him up. I just wanted the nightmare to end. It was usually the same old dream—Tanya getting hit by Ed while little Edward felt helpless to stop it.
I fucking hated that woman with the every last ounce of my energy.
"Ed…"
"Bella…" he whispered. It was a straining, agonized sound. "No…" I was frozen above him as I stood by the bed. I couldn't move. I could barely think. Fuck. His subconscious was putting shit together.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You wouldn't be worried if you weren't a fucking little liar Bella.
All of the sudden Edward's breaths became angry pants. His hands gripped the sheets hard enough to turn his knuckles white. His neck arched back as he cried out. "NO!"
Fuck. "Edward!" I yelled as I reached my hands out to touch him. If he felt my skin… he would know that I was here.
And what happens when you're not here Bella? What happens when you fucking runaway and he's like this? All Alone.
I froze. My mind was being quite the bitch tonight. I swallowed. Edward's eyes shot open. His breath hitched and his hands lashed out to grab mine. "BELLA!" He bellowed. He looked like he was in a trance. Like he was seeing something more than just me above him.
The sight scared the shit out of me. It also spurred me to snap the fuck out of it.
"Shh.. It's okay sweetheart. I'm here." I lowered myself on the bed, straddling his hips. His entire body relaxed noticeably. The tension in his arms decreased and he let out a giant breath.
He released my hands and I immediately smoothed them out across his chest and up to his neck. "It's okay Edward. I'm here." I continued to whisper. He just kept chanting my name.
He was starting to shake all over. Fuck. I decided on extreme measures and laid down completely over him. His arms secured around me in a vice grip. His eyes were clamped shut tightly and he nuzzled his nose in my air to draw in deep pulls of my scent.
"I'm here Edward." I reassured him.
For how long bitch?
I closed my eyes. The trembling lover in my arms deserved someone who could promise forever. I knew that I couldn't. But in this moment he needed right now to be confirmed. I could promise right now.
His lips pressed against my forehead. I sighed at the contact. I leaned up and offered him my own lips to replace my sweaty brow. He accepted—eagerly.
At first we kissed—lighter than butterfly wings on a child's cheek. Soft. Sweet. Pure. But then the feel of Edward's strong body lying under me started to break through my layers of fear of his torment. And the hands on my back were now more than hugging—fingers caressing skin like a sculptor molding his clay. My hands moved on their own accord to his hair. And as he moaned I purchased access to a deeper kiss.
Oh yes. This was something worth staying for…
It was hot. Wet. Long. And slow. And it was only our tongues in each other's mouths but it was more than we had allowed ourselves since the day we lost our innocence together. I whimpered as he lightly nipped my bottom lip. He groaned when my hands fisted in his unruly locks.
His hands grew bolder and hugged me tighter to him. It felt so good. There was a sensation at the back of my consciousness that I knew I should be concerned about but I just couldn't bring myself to stop focusing on Edward's tongue. And his taste. Edward tasted like honey.
I squeaked another cry of pleasure as his tongue danced around the corners of my mouth. The sound was his undoing. In one movement he groaned, dug his fingers further into my flesh and thrust his need up at my unsuspecting hip.
PANIC. FUCK.
I yelped and pulled back. I didn't jump off the bed like I wanted to. I knew I couldn't crush him like that right now. Not after that dream he had. But I couldn't allow him to… sex was not an option.
Pussy.
I glared at the headboard for a second. Our mingled panting breaths were the only sound in the room. Well that and my throbbing heart. It wasn't fair. I wanted it too. The wet heat building between my thighs was proof of that. But my stupid brain wouldn't let me do anything more than kiss him.
I counted to fifty in my head. I inspected the grains in the wood of the furniture. I tried to come up with fifty words I could use to describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach right this minute. I could only come up with one—fuck.
Finally I felt my breathing level out and he was still once more beneath me. I looked down, hoping to find him asleep. Instead my eyes landed on his chocolate brown depths.
He wasn't hurt, nor was he even afraid like I would have expected from anyone after the kind of nightmare he was having. He just looked… sad. I furrowed my brow. His finger sought to smooth the wrinkles of my distress.
"I love you Bella." He said simply. I nodded. His expression didn't change.
We lay there like that for a long while. He watching me with his pensive puppy dog eyes and me shifting mine back and forth to deny the pain I saw in his. I finally drew my lip between my teeth. We needed to go back to sleep. We were both exhausted and I would need to start packing tomorrow morning for Forks.
Fuck. Forks.
Sensing my desire Edward blinked and narrowed his eyes. "I love you Bella." He said in a stern voice—like a parent telling a child to behave.
I simply nodded again. Then I pressed my face into the crook of his neck. I let out the breath I didn't even know I had been holding when I felt him relax under me. His hands drifted up my back and I didn't miss the pressure that they added to his embrace. I was hugged as tightly as possible to his chest.
It wasn't such a bad thing. Sleeping in Edward's arms like this.
You're such a fucking liar Bella.
Fuck.
-**-Bookends-**-
CPOV (two weeks later, Forks, wedding day)
I ran my fingers through my hair. I still couldn't fucking believe it. She was standing there in her white dress—creamy ivory really. White wasn't something she needed to wear at this point.
She had the purest fucking soul I had ever known virginity was just something that young guys with insecurities needed to be reassured by with a dress color. She was mine. Had always been mine.
The softest smile played along her lips while her eyes shown with a grace and a freedom that took my breath away.
Fuck but I loved that woman.
Loved that she had the courage to let our children finally live their own lives—young as they all may be. Loved that she gave over the vice like grip that she had held of the control of her life and let me help and support her. Loved that she fucking changed her name.
Esme Cullen.
I shook my head and tried to concentrate on what Jazz was talking about. Going hard and needy for my wife at our reception was not appropriate.
My eyes drifted over to the visage of perfection once more…against my will to stop them. And the look cast from her eyes under half closed lids told me we were a fucking matched pair.
I laughed out loud—much to Jazz's confusion. He looked between his new step mother and myself and just rolled his eyes with a smile.
"Later old man," He said with a congratulatory slap to my arm.
I laughed but didn't stop him from leaving. I wish that I could remember what was going on around me once I stood alone by the dance floor. But Esme was standing by the cake and talking to some guests. I only had eyes for her.
As if right on cue, The Flimingos started playing on the speakers. And I had to agree… my love was a kind of blind love.
"One woman for all eternity… what a fucking waste." I smirked at the heavy accented voice that I knew almost better than my own. I didn't bother shifting my vision to see him. He would rather we look at beautiful women than each other anyway.
"Took you long enough to get here." I noted in a dark voice.
He chuckled in an equally dark tone. "True. But I had to complete some obligations that required my undivided attention. A client who kept me tied up all weekend."
I sighed. I would admit that since Esme started sharing my bed nearly three years ago that I grew to appreciate his… fervor. But I couldn't imagine ever wanting to have that much sex.
"You mock, but until you've had the opportunity to tie a girl up for an entire weekend you will never appreciate the results when you get to set her free."
"Erebos," I said folding my arms across my chest. "Please stay away from my wife." It was meant to be a joke. I had meant to say it sarcastically. But it was a bold faced threat as it passed my lips.
He laughed again. "Son… I can't wait to hear of her reaction to opening my present to your union."
I finally relinquished my visual dominance of Esme and turned to glare at him. "If it is a Dom starter kit I hope you kept your receipts." I growled. He laughed again.
"I love this new side of you my boy," He pouted as if mimicking my scowl. "Not one of the girls at my club ever stirred you quite like this." He glanced at Esme. "Though I see now why you were never truly open to their experience back then anyway. She is magnificent Carlisle."
I beamed with a deeper pride than even the one I felt when Esme said she wanted to change her name. Erebos had truly been a father to me—a mentor during the years I was alone after Mary left. His approval was not needed but was greatly respected in my book.
"I hadn't expected you to actually make an appearance. Last time I checked one of 'the rules' was VonTuri only leaves the Tower for massacres."
He shot me his wicked smile. "And virgin sacrifices." He winked. "The induction of you into my world is worth every mile away from the wives."
I rolled my eyes. Erebos was one of my oldest friends but his lifestyle was not something many people in this room would tolerate. Luckily discretion was one of his greatest talents.
"Keep trying old man. You are never going to turn me."
He laughed again. "And did you keep the handcuffs I gave you when you left that night."
Fuck.
"Which one is the artist?" He said drawing me from the memories of the two of us laying siege to one of his many brothels in Europe. What Esme never found out about my past…
"Hmm… oh. Edward," I scanned the crowd and found him leaning against the wall in the back corner. Shit. The boy looked fucked up one side and down the other. And not in the way that my friend Erebos preferred.
"Hasn't that kid ever heard of pussy?"
I knew better than to do it. I had taken a sip of wine just before he said it. I knew better than to put liquid in my mouth when Erebos was around. Blunt was a nice way of describing his methods of communication.
"Yes. I would imagine he has."
"Really? Why does he look like a starving dog staring at a crippled cat?"
I sighed. I was only glad that none of the other guests were mingling near our conversation. I was reconsidering the comment about his respect for discretion.
"What are you talking about?"
"That boy," he pointed his well-manicured finger directly at Edward. Then his head whipped back and he focused my attention on another desperate soul in attendance. "Wants to fuck that girl." I closed my eyes before my thoughts lingered on the image of Edward fucking Bella Swan.
I was her stepfather now for crying out loud.
"So?" Was the only brilliant response I could produce.
Erebos laughed. "So they are young… they should be knocking over bowls in the storage room of the kitchen with naked asses. She looks like she could use a good fuck too."
"Enough." I said flatly.
He glared at me. I resisted the urge to flinch. I was certain he brought his leather strap with him and I didn't really want to be punished on my wedding day.
"First of all they are not allowed to have sex." He scoffed and threw me an incredulous look. "She is a minor and it is illegal…"
"Bah! You cockblocking Puritans and your restrictions on sex. Once you are old enough to want it, you are old enough to have it."
I skipped over that comment as there were far too many disturbing questions that it brought up. "No. Edward is a gentleman. He would never take advantage of her."
Erebos' eyes narrowed and I swallowed hard. Fuck. I would have to exit quickly with Esme before he had the chance to challenge me.
"There are many shades of gentle Carlisle. I seem to remember you having to find a balance of yours as well… something that was not put into practice with that first wife of yours."
Leave it to Erebos to bring up Mary on Esme's day. My chest squeezed at the thought. I hadn't spent one moment thinking about her today. I would never do right by that woman. May she rest in peace.
"Old friend," I said letting out a deep breath and slapping his shoulder. "Fuck off." He threw his head back and laughed much to the dismay of surrounding couples who were dancing to the haunting melody.
I marched directly over to Esme and put my arm around her waist. "Are you enjoying the party Mrs. Cullen?" She sighed against me. She enjoyed the sound of her new name almost as much as I did. That thought made that part of me that Erebos would approve of hungry for tonight.
"Yes." Her eyes danced with the same melody that was playing in my heart.
I put my hand against her cheek- so beautiful. And mine. Our lips moved closer for a much needed kiss...
A high pitch squeal from the speakers at the front of the hall called our attention away from each other and back to the affair around us.
"Attention everyone," Alice stood with mike in hand and clipboard in other hand.
I smiled.
"It is now time for the happy couple to share their first dance together as husband and wife. Would the groom and his bride please step out to the center of the dance floor?" She glared over at us since we were lagging the schedule by having to be told to come out.
The whole of our family and friends stood along the rim of the floor. I had to admit I was feeling a little giddy as she stepped into my embrace. I had never danced with Esme before. I wanted to. I never found another creature on this earth that was half as graceful as she was. I was lost in Esme's eyes, ready to sweep her off her feet.
Silence.
I turned to tease Alice for the delay. And I was met with the most unbelievable sight of Edward shifting his weight from leg to leg while he ran his fingers through his bedraggled hair and brought the mike to his lips.
"Um.. I didn't know what to get you two. I know you have everything you need, and now you have everything you want." The entire room cooed. Fucking punk. He winked as he looked straight at me. Holy fuck. What did he have planned?
"Esme… welcome to the family. You have truly been a mother to all of us over the years. I wanted you to have this—as you inspired it with your love and commitment to your family and especially to Carlisle."
My mouth popped open and I stared dumbstruck as Edward handed the mike back to Alice and ambled over to a baby grand in the corner. I had thought the instrument was just for looks. But as he sat down I realized it was all for Edward.
I turned back to Esme as the first notes of his song floated over the now silent room. Her eyes were filled with tears and the sweetest smile spread across her face.
Breathtaking.
Fucker. Edward did it. He weaseled his way in to her heart and erased all the shit she hated him for. Unbelievable.
As was his composition. I found the dance we shared a natural and easy flow—the song just seemed to match the beating of our hearts. The pulse of our partnership and I had to admit that when it came to a close I was a little misty eyed myself.
Little shit. Didn't he know being perfect was my thing? I chuckled to myself as we left the dance floor.
"What's so funny?" My wife asked on our way to the piano. I just shook my head and winked.
I shook Edward's slightly trembling hand. I scowled. "It's just been a long time." He admitted. I titled my head. I knew Alice had said Edward was in a band. "Since I've composed," He clarified.
Ah. He was nervous that the piece wasn't good enough. I smiled at him and nodded my head. It was Cullen-men talk for job well done. He nodded in thanks.
And all doubt he might have had over the piece was crushed when Esme stepped up and threw her arms around his shoulders. "Thank you Edward." She whispered.
He smiled at her. She was called to more bridal duties by the wedding Nazi formerly known as Alice. And as she walked away Edward turned his damn crooked smile on me and winked.
Fucker.
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (two months later, Seattle)
I kept looking at myself in the mirror. What was I going to do! He would want to have sex. Shit. I couldn't keep denying him this. He deserved something more. Deserved a girl who could be honest with him—a girl who could be with him. The way he looked at me at the wedding. The way he put his hands on me after the reception when we both had too much to drink.
The way you lied to him and made him believe you wanted him too.
Luckily he passed out before I had to reject him completely.
I clutched my hand over my stomach as the tears fell silently. I looked at the motherfucker in the mirror- Edward had once told me about his own motherfucker. Told me that his broke through to show him what love really could be. I wasn't sure that was the promise of mine. I think mine was some vicious harpy that would rob Edward of all the promises of his future.
I glared at that inner bitch. I wished like hell that I could fight her- she was every missed opportunity with my father. She was every time I let my mom down. She was every hit I threw at Edward's body. And I hated how much power I let her have over me.
The knock was quiet and gentle- just like him. "Bella?" His voice was filled with all the love the harpy didn't deserve. I didn't deserve. How much longer could I string him along? How many more times would I smile even though I was dying inside? How much harder could I make the ending be for Edward?
You're a fucking lying bitch Bella… you tell me.
"Coming," I said with an eerily cheery voice. I guess the answer was plain to see.
How much. A lot.
Just a lot.
-**-Bookends-**-
The bar was crowded when we got there. I had to sit on Edward's lap in the corner. We didn't mind. We both desired the contact for comfort anyway. Tonight his band had a gig and we told them we'd stop by. I watched the guys set up and my heart sank again.
Edward left the band the day we got back from Forks. He simply announced that the wedding made him reevaluate his life… said he wanted to start his future with me. Shit. What future would be left if I remained? I robbed Edward of everything. His happiness. His education. His music... it would only be a matter of time until he became a zombie like me. I would never forgive myself for ruining his life as effectively as I had.
Yes you fucking did Bella.
I tried to mask the pain but he saw it anyway. Of course he saw it. We were in a bar with fifty other people. Noise so loud I could barely hear myself think. So much movement that the whole room seemed to be shaking- and he saw it. Like I was the one thing in his world.
Shit.
"Bella?" His hands were in my hair and caressing my back and neck. I wanted to cry. I couldn't keep doing this to him.
"Can we get some air?" I said in a determined yet defeated voice.
His eyes bugged out for a minute when they met mine. I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to do this. I had to break it off with him. I didn't have any excuse worked up. I barely had any idea of what I would say. I just knew I couldn't keep killing him like this. They seemed minor things to him but in my mind I could see the major damage they were doing to his future.
I couldn't keep sucking the life out of Edward. Edward was life- my life. I had to end this before there became nothing left to save.
We ended up in the alley. As far as alleys went this city had some of the cleanest I had ever seen. He never took his hands off of me. He had to feel it. I could feel it. There was a distance in the air between us. I knew I was putting it there but it didn't make it any less difficult to deal with.
"What?" His voice was hurt. Soft. Quiet. Pain.
My eyes were tortured when they looked back up into his. "I can't do this anymore Edward. I... I want..." My breath hitched. I couldn't do this the way I wanted to. I couldn't be some cold heartless bitch who just cut him off. I loved him too much. "I want to be free...my eyes looked down at his chest." His eyes would just undo me. I didn't miss that his chest rose and fell with panicked breaths. "From you," I said casting him an apologetic glance from beneath my lashes.
"What?" His face said it all. He was confused. He didn't believe it. He would never believe it.
"Bella... what are talking about?" His hands cupped my face. I was past wanting to cry- I was just trying not to explode from the pain.
Tears I thought had escaped me years ago were suddenly flowing down my cheeks.
Snot ran down to my lip- just once couldn't I cry pretty! This was too much- too painful. "I can't... I want to try... something new." His eyes were dark at that. It was Edward's biggest fear. That night- the first one in New York, we had felt so awkward together and he said it then. That he was afraid that we would grow apart. That I would want something new what he had called something normal.
I was a vicious harpy bitch. He swallowed hard. "Bella..." his voice was severe. My chest was tight as I listened.
"I can change." He strangled the plea from his chest. It broke my heart.
He could.
I couldn't.
"I'll do anything baby." He crouched down to put his eyes level with mine. Now he was going to beg. FUCK! I couldn't do this to him too.
"No Edward!" I shouted. My fists balled- but I couldn't hit him. Not anymore. I couldn't hurt him anymore.
"Bella!" I turned to run down the alley. But his arms caught me from behind. Why was it always raining when we were like this? I was soaking wet when he hugged my back to his chest.
"I love you. I love you. I love you." He chanted. I just closed my eyes. What else could I do?
"I don't." I said flatly. I bottled my emotions up. Maybe I could make this work. Maybe I could convince him- but that would require convincing my self first.
"I know."
Fuck. My entire body turned to ice when he said it. The words suggested pain but his voice told me... he understood. I went from terrifying revelation to really fucking pissed off. He just knew... what the fuck did he think he knew. That I was never in love with him. That I never could be because he was such an unwanted thing.
Fuck Edward! Fuck you Bella! Prove to me that you've shown him one moment of love since you followed him to New York. Hypocrite.
I was mad, but he was in the mood to sooth that. His hands ran down my arms- goose bumps rose against my will. His touch would always do that to my body- it was my fucked up mind that had the problem.
"Listen Edward," I tried to say it with no emotion- but there were just too many emotions. "Let me go." I said simply. Both of us knew I wasn't talking about his hands on my arms.
"I need this please. Stop." His hands stopped and gripped around my shoulders. Other girls would have been frightened by that. But I knew Edward- he would never hurt me.
"No." The returned venom in that word was like a shot to my nervous system. That was it. We were going to battle for this again. Now he was angry and I was pissed and we were both feeling needy and hungry. And we were both stubborn fucking mules. His fingers tightened and the air cracked around us with that old electricity that never made an appearance in New York, or Florida.
I felt tingly all over. I felt myself warm and ready for him. I wanted him. I needed him. Or at least my body did. My mind was screaming for me to run now- before it was too late.
"I know what you need." Before I knew it I was slammed up against the wall. Not in a hurt and painful kind of way, but in a do that again Edward kind of way. The animal in Edward's eyes excited me more. Possessive. Raw. Powerful. Mine.
I wanted to deny it. But there he was- all for me. What the fuck was wrong with my brain? He didn't kiss me like I thought he would. Instead he placed his strong hands on either side of my head- palms flat against the wall. He leaned his nose in to the skin under my ear. My neck- he knew my neck was my weak spot when it came to him.
Would any man ever know my body the way Edward did.
I felt his teeth nip the flesh just behind my jaw. I whimpered as the sharp tingles jolted in my stomach. No. No man would ever play me as easily as my personal composer did.
You're going to regret this Bella. Shut the hell up bitch, Ill worry about that later.
"Bella..." he breathed across my flesh. His lips moved along my jaw and up my cheek. My skin was growing warm- hot with each gentle, wet kiss. My eyes fell closed and I felt his silky smooth lips brush across each eyelids.
"Please Bella." He kissed the tip of my nose. My breath was hitching as my pulse spiked. I couldn't pull enough air into my lungs to take a full breath. I felt his lips pull away just before they touched mine. I whimpered again and felt my body move out to follow him.
His hands were suddenly cupping my cheeks. Shit that felt good. "Bella." I resisted the urge to purr. My body was on fire. His thumbs traced my cheeks.
I opened my eyes.
Fuck you Bella. This is only putting off the inevitable.
We rushed home… and like to wild animals we were clinging to each other and groping whatever we could reach every step to our bedroom.
We fell back on to the bed.
"Fuck," Edward grunted. Our hands and lips and tongues couldn't touch each other enough. My finger tips were in his hair and my toes were running up and down his legs.
"Bella." I moaned as he hissed my name. I really wanted this- wanted him. Didn't I? I could feel my stomach muscles tightened at the thought. It had been so long since he was with me- and back then we didn't have any time or any clue how do it right. Edward would spend all night getting it right with me now.
I whimpered another moan of lust as I thought about the truth of that and felt his hand glide under my shirt. I hooked my leg around his hips.
His lips were all over my throat. He sucked the skin forcefully. I dug my nails in to his arms when his teeth sunk into my flesh. It felt so fucking good. My heart pounded in my chest and my blood rushed to spot where his lips marked me.
I cried out- sure that he was drawing blood. "Edward." I moaned. He grunted and the hand not groping my breasts shifted to press under my panties inside my jeans.
One finger. All it took was one finger to gain access- slipping between my folds and run along my slick need. My eyes rolled back in my head. There was a deafening scream building in my mind.
His finger pushed ever so slightly in. Spreading me.
Too real.
FUCK.
"NO!" I screamed. I planted my hands on his chest and shoved.
I didn't stop to see if he was hurt from the rejection. I had to get to the bathroom immediately. I threw up as soon as I got there. The down to your toes kind of gag—the one that left you jittery and shaking from the force of it.
I took off my shirt and let the sobs break loose. I sat with my back to the door and just slammed my head against it. Somewhere in my psychosis my mind was trying to count to one hundred but the majority of my brain was ruled by the harpy bitch. The one screaming that I should have left years ago.
I knew in that moment. I might find the strength to run away one day. I might even find a way to build a life with someone other than Edward. But I would never be able to leave him. Neither of us would ever exist without the other one now.
You're such a fucking liar Bella.
"I know." I whispered to darkness of my mind.