Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 27: Pocket full of mumbles

-**-Bookends-**-

In the clearing stands a boxer

and a fighter by his trade

and he carries the reminders

of every glove that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out

in his anger and his shame

I am leaving

I am leaving

but the fighter still remains.

(The Boxer, Paul Simon)

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (same night)

Fuck.

My ears were ringing when I woke.

"Fuck." I murmured. My head felt like it was going to split in two.

I wondered idly if she even noticed that I got fucked up last night. Probably not. Bella never noticed shit like that anymore.

I rubbed my hands over my face. My phone was still vibrating the alarm for me to wake up. One more hour before Bella would wake up. I shuffled into the room. Another thing she probably never figured out.

We had a mother fucking routine for sleeping and she didn't even realize it. We both went to bed together. But once she started rubbing against me and whispering desires that I knew she didn't intend to let me follow through with I got the fuck up.

The first time it shocked me. I didn't think there was a chance in hell that I would ever leave Bella alone in our bed if I knew there was a possibility she might have a nightmare.

Well fucking surprise motherfucker there was a fucking lot about yourself that you didn't know.

Like how you didn't even try to sit and draw or compose you just went straight for the bottle of Jack in the kitchen. I couldn't even remember us buying it. I just knew it was there and it dulled everything.

I was a repulsive motherfucker. No one could deny it. I hated the smell of that shit on my breath. It was Ed Masen. Not me. I looked down at my hands.

No. It was me.

I should be trying to help her. I should be trying to figure out what the hell is going on. But it hurts too much.

I sighed as I passed the bed and headed into the bathroom. She was still in the midst of her wet fucking dream. Fantastic. I would have to suffer through some of it tonight. Suffer through her smell... fuck she smelled so good. Especially when she was horny for me.

I held my cock while I pissed. I couldn't even remember the last time I consciously held this thing. It only served one purpose these days and it was doing it now. I stroked my fist around it once when I was done.

Nope. Nothing.

I regretted the little tug when I crawled into bed. Bella immediately sought my warmth and she hitched a leg over my waist. Fuck. Mud. I focused on the ceiling and chanted the word in my head like I was some fifteen-year-old prick.

I was wrong. My cock was giving me plenty of suggestions of new employment opportunities for him. One of them was just begging to be taken advantage of resting right above him.

I groaned. No. I couldn't do that to her. She was fucking freaked by anything physical these days. Taking advantage of her would be the worst God damn thing I could ever do.

Bella sighed and rolled away. That was my cue to act like I was asleep. Routine. Since that first night a year ago I knew our nightly ritual as naturally as breathing. First she falls asleep. Then I go to the kitchen and get drunk. I pass out on the couch until midnight. She wakes up at one and sits by the window until the sun comes up and we start the day all over again.

That was it. That was what we did.

Except for the other night when I fell asleep after I came back to bed. Fuck. I must have scared the crap out of her. I sure hell scared it out of me.

Course she gave me plenty of reasons to want to cry too. What the hell was with her tonight I don't know? I just knew it was something I did.

Nights like tonight I just wished I never came back from this damn house two years ago. Bella was doing so good before that day I came back. Fuck. I was doing so good before I came back.

To my fucking surprise she didn't get out of bed- She staid next to me. I peeked one eye open and saw that she was pretending to sleep too. Of fucking course. Why would any other aspect of our lives be different? We were both putting on a show every minute that we were awake. Why the hell would the hours that we were supposed to be asleep be any different?

That thought made me angry. Made me want to get up and drink some more. The booze had worn off and now there was just a dull ache in my brain. One that seemed to pound with reminders of the little things everyday that told me she was leaving.

Just like Tanya.

I cinched my eyes tighter and prayed for unconsciousness. Though that would bring out the nightmare again. The one that was all too familiar but blacker than it had ever been.

The one that had me reeking of alcohol and Bella cowering beneath me. With our son standing at our door getting ready to fight me. The one that told me I was the biggest fuck up in the history of fuck ups.

A tear snuck through the corner of my eye. I drew in a weary breath.

It was this place. Living in this house. Sitting at the fucking kitchen table that I hated so much doing exactly what I hated seeing my father do every single night he lived here. Seeing Bella melt away and some empty shell of a broken woman replace her.

Hell.

My own person fucking hell.

I bought her a ring. When we were in New York. It was pretty. Not pretty like her- and nowhere near as expensive and nice of one as I wanted to give her but it just felt right when I found it.

I had it buried in my sock drawer now. I had no right to ask her to marry me. I spent all my time these days trying to figure out how to just make her happy. Make her- not live in happiness but force it down her mother fucking throat.

I was such a miserable excuse for a human being. She could do so much better. And last night... Fuck. She was begging for me to let her go. All I could see was the wasteland I would fall into.

I was soulless without Bella. I really would become my father without her soothing presence to remind me to be calm.

I released a deep breath and shook my head. Man up motherfucker. You can do this. You can take care of her. You just have stop being so fucking selfish about it.

I could do that. I would do anything she wanted- just so long as she staid with me.

-**-Bookends-**-

JPOV (Forks, the next night)

The phone call came in the dead of the night.

Alice sat straight up in bed two seconds before the call came through. She was covered in sweat and terrified.

"What is it sweetheart?" I jumped on the defensive the phone could wait.

"Answer it." She whispered in a strangled cry.

I swallowed down the fear as I lifted the receiver to my ear. Living with Alice sometimes felt like living with that mystic lady at the fair.

"Yes?"

"Jazz?" Bella. A relief that I couldn't begin to explain spread through me. It was unreasonable and a little crazy but just hearing Bella's voice assured me she was still alive and for the past couple of years Bella's survival had been a very important focus in my life.

"Bella, what's going on?"

Before she could answer my question a hand came into focus three inches in front of my face. It was too dark to see much else but I could see by the way it was held that she was already annoyed that I hadn't handed over the phone.

I sighed and gave Alice the phone.

I got up and went to the bathroom. Something told me that I would need to take a shower. We would be getting a houseguest for a little while.

I was cool with that. I missed her. A lot. And I needed to share with her the therapy that I was finding help with. I was doing much better facing that night-able to work through it. I knew if Bella had some time to talk to my therapist she could start healing too.

I was actually optimistic for the first time in a long time when I came back to the bedroom. It was indefensible. Bella coming here meant my big brother would be in pain- but right now I knew Bella's pain was worse.

Besides I was still a little pissed with him that he took her away from me when we were in New York. I needed her back then. Needed someone to commiserate with but mostly I had built my life around helping her and a big part of my identity was walking out the door with Bella.

She was the first person who had ever needed me that way. Then one day she... didn't anymore. That stung.

Alice let out a giant breath when I sat down on the bed to get dressed.

"They had a fight. Well sort of. Bella tried to leave and... he..."

My heart leapt to my throat. Though I trusted Edward with my life and admired him like the hero he was- I also always thought the worst.

"Did he hurt her?" I seethed.

Alice gasped and smacked my arm. "Jazz! How dare you think he even could! NO! He... kissed her. And then they... almost..."

I hung my head in shame. Poor Edward. I was such a horrible brother. Not only did I think the worst of him but... I knew what was going on with Bella. It had to be like living inside a nightmare for him.

"Is she finally moving out?" I pulled on my boxers and felt the bed give as Alice rolled out to head into the shower.

She yawned. "No. She is just pretending she needs to be here early for next week. Edward has to stay in Seattle because his band has an interview with some magazine and they want him there. I know," she threw her hands up before I could speak. "It's a big thing for him and she is heartless for leaving but she... she's fed up Jazz. She sounded... detached."

I put on my socks in silence.

"So she is staying here and he is going to meet up with us for the party."

I pulled on my pants. I focused on the mundane aspects of getting dressed. A zipper. A button. Smoothing out the pockets. Whatever kept me from getting mad.

"Jazz," Alice said putting her arms around my waist from behind. I sighed.

"I love you."

-**-Bookends-**-

(One week later)

Alice stroked her fingers at the nape of my neck. Her pencil scratched furiously on the agenda in front of her. Her lips were pursed in that line of pixie determination and her eyes were narrowed as if inspecting a battle strategy.

I chuckled.

The hand on my neck smacked the back of my head- but she didn't acknowledge me otherwise. That only made me laugh harder.

Rosalie had cornered Alice the night of Carlisle and Esme's wedding. There wasn't enough of what was called an "Alice window" between that night and the ceremony tomorrow but my girl was making do.

I snorted at the thought of Alice 'making do'. It was a good thing our father was made of money.

She scribbled a note beside tonight's festivities. Emergency meeting with Bella. It was in all caps and underlined three times. I shifted in my seat as I read it. I got to the name and then I stood up.

"What?" Alice asked following me with her eyes.

"I forgot something for tonight. I um... I'll be back at lunch." She knitted her brows and cast that studious look at me.

"It has nothing to do with you, Jazz." She said- all knowing little sprite that she was.

"It has everything to do with me, Al." I winked and puckered my lips at her.

She rolled her eyes and laughed before she went back to organizing Rose and Em's first year of married life.

"Do me a favor?" I asked as I pulled open the door.

She scowled over the edge of the planner at me.

"What?" she grumbled.

I smiled, shoving down the anger that was welling inside of me. "Don't get your hopes up."

It slipped out. I wasn't able to hide it as well as I used to. Alice's face fell. Shit. That was hardly what I intended. I meant to tease her. I meant to joke with her and then take off to sulk in my anger alone. But I could never hide anything from Al.

"Alice." She sucked in the pout that she couldn't hide. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry." I finished. Wishing like hell it was true. There was some dark place inside of me that wanted everyone around me to suffer as much as I was suffering. It wasn't fair but it was the best I could do.

"No Jazz." She offered quietly- throwing her hand up to hold me at the door and not draw me back into our living room. "It's okay. I know what you mean. I ... I just miss her. I just hope... I won't give up on her." Alice's eyes shown with intense conviction. She wouldn't give up on Bella.

Not like I had.

I nodded and ducked out before I let the resentment of my last thought show once more. It was problematic to say the least to not only live with someone who could read my actions like a book before even I could, but for me to be a little too emotionally involved in everything around me as well.

I set out on the muddy road that led down to the Sol Duc with no real destination in mind. I just needed to clear my head. That's not true. My head was screwed on pretty straight. My head saw the world in clear-cut reality and lines of fact. I could approach every moment of my life with a strategic eye- know the right moves to make in life to avoid being hurt.

But my heart was a different story. Times like this I wished I were ruled by my logic. Logic was easy to test in school. I was perfect at thinking in a workbook. Detachment to a case study of people who were nothing more than names in a book, abstract and no more real than the pages they are printed on, was child's play. But once that person was whole and real... I sighed as I reached the river.

I wanted to feel nostalgic for standing here right now. Al had been a month ago when we decided to come back. Every inch of our return from the second we crossed the bridge just before the turn off to Push. She sucked in a breath when she saw the gas station at the edge of town. She whimpered around a choke of tears when she caught sight of Newton's Outfitters. And she just let the tears flow unabashedly when I turned on to the all but invisible drive that led to our family home.

This place was a home. It had been a home that I had lived in for a handful of years but... I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never had a place I called my home.

That wasn't completely true. I had two things that made anywhere I ended up home. I had Alice. And I had Edward.

I hung my head and took a deep breath. My big brother wasn't even my real big brother. Somehow I had always known. I never considered the whole morbid tale that really was my past but I knew having Edward as a big brother was too good to be true.

I always told myself. Just put up with it, just face Tanya's crap and survive it. You lucked out- you got Edward. He was worth all the shit she could through at me.

I lied to Alice, maybe even myself, all those years ago when I found out the truth. I told everyone that it didn't matter. It was no big deal to find out that I wasn't even Tanya's kid. I had a family. I knew where I belonged. But I'm not sure that I did.

Alice begs me every night to explain Bella to her. She doesn't know she's asking me- she doesn't know she talks in her sleep. But I know. I know my love is hurting deeper everyday because I haven't found a way to fix her best friend- her sister. But how do I admit it. How do I after so many missed opportunities finally own up to the fact that I can't help Bella- not when I can't even help myself.

I planted my feet shoulder length apart and crossed my arms over my chest. The river was mesmerizing this early in the morning. It was June so the air wasn't as frigid as it would be in the winter but there was a crisp bite to it. It was a deceiving thing to experience. From the comfort of a heated house the world of Forks looked equally warm and inviting. But ten steps into the climate beyond the walls of that home and you realized that this was a cold world. And it was a chill that could settle into your bones.

My bones were tired today. I was on the defensive. And weary for the long battle that I had already fought.

I would have to face Edward again today. I would have to make sure my eyes never met his. I refused to continue to lie to him, but my vow to Bella was stronger than my bond to my brother. If for no other reason than I knew she would not survive the pressure. And if Bella hurt herself Edward would suffer more than he did from my lies.

I watched as a leave floated down through the exact center of the river. I hated metaphors. But there I was- stuck in the dead center of the sea of choices before me.

I was in therapy- anger management. It wasn't even something I thought I needed. But the night Edward and Bella left New York I leveled their fucking apartment to the ground. Alice called emergency and I had to be sedated. I was shocked to find my own name on the forms that I had so meticulously studied for almost a year by then.

Like I said fake people in a book made more sense to me. I never really realized that I was misdirecting my frustration into anger. I only thanked God I never hurt Alice- and then I would be thankful all the more just having Alice.

She never once changed the way she looked at me or the way she spoke to me. This was just something we had to work through. Just an illness that I had to get over- like the week she had the flu so bad that she slept all day and I had to make sure to wake her up to take her medicine.

I gripped my fists tightly together. My knuckles were white with the force. I held the fists until I reached the number fifty in my head. Then I released the aggression. I pumped my fists over and over until I felt the tension start to ease from my arms.

I went over a lot with my therapist- not least of which was just my never-ending feeling of frustration. All of my life I felt weaker than everyone around me. All of my life I had only ever wanted to protect the hearts of those I cared about.

I felt so helpless now.

She looked... dead.

It wasn't even something I could talk to her about. I don't believe she saw herself that way. I knew she understood she was suffering and she hated herself for what she was doing to Edward, but she was not a living, healthy, nearly eighteen year old.

Bella was letting herself wither and die and I was enabling it by not dragging her to a hospital even now.

There it was- the heat. My face was flaming from the intense hatred that was coursing through me. My vision grew blurry.

I roared in frustration at the fucking river of calm in front of me. No matter how many rocks I tossed at it, it never stopped. How did it do it? How did it keep moving along over and under and around all obstacles that jumped in front of it? How did it stay so calm when the world around it was in flames?

I sat down with a huff. I had no answers. Just fears.

If Bella didn't break up with Edward tomorrow she would go back to Seattle and... die.

It was that simple. Her little body couldn't take much more of this. Not to mention what she was doing to my brother.

Edward.

My chest seized at the thought of him. I wanted to be punished for how I'd treated him for so long. But what shocked me to my toes was the how violently I wanted to punish him right now.

How in the hell could he allow her to get this bad? Why in the hell did he take her away from New York last year? If only he had kept her there, I might have been able to introduce her to my therapist- Dr. Alec. He was a professor of mine in the advance course that I qualified for at NYU. He had a way of removing me completely from the situation at hand- helping me to numb the overwhelming emotions so that I could handle things rationally.

I knew he would have a positive affect on her too. I blamed Edward for stealing that from her.

It wasn't the rational part of my brain thinking this now. It was the part of me that hated being powerless and dependent all of his life. I couldn't help Bella now if she couldn't find a way to detach from Edward.

I put my face in my hands and heaved a heavy sigh.

This was going to be a long weekend.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (same day, Forks)

I stood in the bathroom of my old house, ten steps across the hall from my old room putting on my earrings. I didn't mind seeing the bitch in the mirror anymore. She was all I ever saw. She was just me now.

I realized that night I tried to break up with Edward that the only way I would be able to convince him that I didn't love him and that I never could, would be to become her completely. I had to push him away. Too hard. Too far.

On the outside you never would have guessed that my heart seized like a class five heart attack at the thought.

I pulled the black stick of mascara across my right set of lashes. I hated makeup. But it was easier to play the lie if I was in character. It was too confusing to try to be both bitch and Bella. Bella didn't want to hurt Edward. But Bella didn't realize that no matter what she did now Edward was going to hurt.

I pumped myself up for tonight. I had perfected my icy bitch performance for Edward but tonight I would have to apply her to Alice and Rose… Jazz and… Em.

The bitch didn't falter as the thought of my brother being disappointed in me turned my guts to mush. I wouldn't go out of my way to ruin his night. They were having a party tonight and a commitment ceremony at the Cullen house tomorrow. I would not upset their weekend.

But I wasn't going to pretend to be the happy kid anymore. I was a grown up woman who was killing the man she loved.

"You ready?" He was always so fucking sweet—even now. I could tell that he was annoyed. Knew that he was frustrated all of the time. But it seemed like the more I withdrew and treated him indifferently, the harder he tried to support me.

"Yes."

He offered me my coat and I just grabbed it and slung it over my arm. His eyes fell at that. Don't do it Bella—don't peek out right now. We have to do this.

Five minutes later we were walking down to the party. It was so typical Em and Rose. Party at the Swan house and ceremony at the Cullen house. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I heard my big brother's booming laugh in the kitchen.

I couldn't resist the smile that turned the corners of my mouth up. I didn't miss Edward's tension over seeing me smile. He loved to see me smile. And so I never smiled around him anymore. He must have known something was up

Such a bitch I was.

Mom and Carlisle were standing by the stairs greeting company. I gave mom a hug and was surprised to find Carlisle offering one as well. What must it have been like to have a dad like him growing up?

Edward stayed behind and talked to Carlisle. Mom gave me that look that said we need to talk and I just headed into the kitchen instead. We've needed to talk most of my life. Why start now?

"Hey, bro," I said quietly as I came up on the hulk that was my big brother. Em jumped at the sound of my voice. He turned with a wide grin that fell as soon as he saw my face. He looked me up and down and his eyes were grave when they met mine.

I shifted under his scrutiny. "Bells?" He asked like he wasn't sure it was me. I choked on the fear that was threatening to damage my calm.

I had been in town for the last week but I was staying in town at Jazz and Alice's studio. They took an old warehouse and converted into a 'whatever they needed it to be space'. I took over their couch and avoided going anywhere that the rest of the family would visit for the week.

It was unnerving to finally have my family see me. I twisted my fingers together behind my back.

I shined him on and laughed. "Who else?" I punched his arm but he just stood there staring at me in shock. Damn it.

"There you are!" Well who ever would have guessed that I would want to be rescued by a bridesmaid duty tutorial by the wedding Nazi? But I was more than relieved to hear Alice's voice.

Em didn't respond he just kept staring at me and I headed upstairs with Alice dragging my arm behind her. "How's Jazz?" I asked.

She stopped and huffed and rolled her eyes. "Don't ask." She sighed.

I was shoved into my old bedroom. Though I quickly realized that this was far from my old bedroom as possible. Rose had conceded and allowed Em to have his "game" room. And in typical big brother fashion he converted my room into it.

I was inspecting the variety of darts for the boards on the far wall. Alice was going over the production tomorrow. I smiled when it was required. I even looked excited at appropriate times. But mostly my mind was blocking out the very idea of marriage and commitment and happy couples. Going to mom and Carlisle's wedding was hard enough. But I had my goddamn daddy issues to focus on there. Now it was Rose and Em—two people who by the very laws of nature were not meant to end up together. But there they were in love and supporting each other. Healthy and happy and fucking blissful.

I scowled at the pool table.

"Up to speed squirt?" Another desperately familiar voice said from the door. I nodded. Rose was a vision. Her surgeries were just about done. She had to have several reconstructive procedures and then many other disgusting things done to her that I didn't pay much attention to. In the end, she looked a lot like the same old Rose. Tall and leggy and gorgeous. She was just... more. And now she was blonde.

She and Alice both regarded me like the rest of the family had. With weary glances and a distance that matched the one I had given Edward.

I made it through dinner. Made it through toasting my brother and Rose—a person who was there for me at one the worst moments in my life. It was only after I raised my glass that I noticed him.

Standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the door jam was Jazz. He hadn't joined everyone else for dinner. Hell he had avoided me almost the entire time I staid at his apartment. His arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes were glaring directly at me. The mask broke for a minute.

Edward saw.

I excused myself and headed outside. Jazz followed.

"What the fuck are doing Bella?" He slurred coming up behind me. I stopped two feet from the base of the tree house tree—not bothering to turn around and face him.

"I don't know what you're talking about Jazz."

"You fucking do! What the… fuck! What… Where did you go?" The words were just a whisper but the Bella that was buried down under the icy bitch heard the message loud and clear.

"I had to go with him, Jazz. It wasn't fair to you- and I it wasn't fair to him."

He scoffed. I realized when I turned around that he was drunk. His eyes were bloodshot.

"Where the hell do you get off doing this to them?" I scolded. He glared at me.

"People who treat people the way you do don't get to patronize Miss Swan." He hissed.

I recoiled from his assault. There were no apologies exchanged between us. We were both right. That was the thing with Jazz- he cut through the crap with me. He knew what was really going on underneath it all. Edward used to be able to do that too.

My eyes cast down as I thought of Edward. I should just get in a car and drive away right now. But tonight and tomorrow belonged to Em and Rose.

"Bella?" Jazz whispered.

I sucked in a sharp breath. "We're going back in there right now. And we are both going to be civil and nice and happy for them. And tomorrow we will do the same. After that we can fight."

Just not tonight Jazz.

I turned back to the house and joined back in on the conversations. Edward put his hand on my thigh when I sat down. His eyes were concerned. I just shrugged and turned to talk to Mike who happened to be sitting across from me.

The hand on my thigh quietly and slowly slipped away.

Good.

Em raised a glass and knocked the side of it with his fork to get our attention.

"I wanna make an announcement before you all head out tonight. It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world for my baby and me to be together." Rose put her hand on his arm and looked up at him in a reverence that I thought I once understood.

"This is one hell of a woman." My eyes were misty as I watched my big brother look at the woman he loved with such... gut wrenching adoration. "Thank you for finding me Rosey and for loving me. And thanks to all of you," he said turning as if suddenly realizing they weren't alone.

"We couldn't have this life together if it weren't for every one of you. We wouldn't have a tomorrow without you. And..." he looked down at Rose and she winked and nodded up at him.

"We wanted to announce that we are starting the process for adoption. We want... to start a family of our own." He was lost in her eyes and the love that radiated from them again. Everyone erupted in applause and hoots of joys while Em and Rose shared a quiet kiss.

I was frozen.

A family. I could never have a family.

I could feel them on me. Their eyes.

Jazz was worried.

Alice was sad.

Edward was accusing.

I just went back to eating, and talking to Mike.

-**-Bookends-**-

(next afternoon after the ceremony)

"Bella wait." I was through the bathroom door before I had to look in his eyes any longer. He'd see it. He'd finally fucking put it together if he started talking about this right now. If I didn't hide the truth in my eyes.

Edward had not spoken more than a handful of words to me everyday since we moved to Seattle all those months ago. But all damn day he was none stop happy talking about Em and Rose... and their possible family.

Having a family.

Having kids.

"Bella please." He whispered against the door. I closed those eyes. There were no tears. I cried all the tears out over this. Now there was only the darkness. The deep unending pit in my chest that was going to swallow me whole.

"I don't want kids if they're not with you." He said simply.

Fuck.

Bitch and Bella and every Bella in between slipped away at that very second. It was finally time for dead Bella to come back.

My eyes looked midnight black as I watched the strange image of my reflection watch me. That was a ghost of a human being staring in the mirror... and she was not going to allow me to leave this room without remembering that pain.

I could all but feel Edward's hand as it gently smoothed across the other side of the door- as if he were trying to sooth me with the action.

"I just... I know its fucking stupid to... I just really fucking love you, Bella." His voice was so pained that my guts twisted automatically at the sound. I braced my hands on the sink in front of me. And glared the dead bitch down.

"Please, Edward... I don't want to have..." I swallowed hard. I could do this for him. "I don't want to have any children." I was dry heaving around the word. Gagging at the rise of bile in my throat.

The bitch's dark eyes told me the truth. They told me it wasn't a matter of what I wanted. I couldn't have kids. She'd never let me. My breaths started growing more ragged and my guts kept squeezing.

"I know... but... Fuck." I jumped as his fist connected with the wood of the door. "I just... I want to see your babies Bella."

Oh god. My heart started to seize. Not now Edward. Please.

"I... I want hold them. I want to hold the little life created by the two of us together. Like... the best of you and me combined. I don't know... Fuck. It would be like fucking proof you know?"

The bitch's eyes were wide and I felt the room spinning around me. Oh god I could see it. The blood. There was so much blood.

Edward sighed. My hands trembled.

"Edward..." my voice had no sound. And a look in the mirror showed that the bitch was choking the ability to scream from me. My mouth opened and closed and my entire form locked down with the need to scream.

"Help..." I squeaked barely loud enough for my own ears to hear.

"It would just prove that you and I... belong together. That we... were compatible or some shit. A perfect little baby. You and me... together. Forever."

I closed my eyes.

NO BELLA.

No help.

I laid down on the floor and let the depths of despair swallow me whole.

My chest heaved with the sobs and my mind split in two from the pain.

The entire world was dark and I was screaming. My baby was floating away from me. And Edward was beyond my reach.

Help me.

I don't know how long I lay there like that but I couldn't hear Edward anymore when I came back around to conscious thought. I wiped my eyes and prepared myself to go back out there and play nice long enough to make it to the Swan side of the yard. Once I was back in my old bedroom I could collapse and stop breathing.

But I had to get there first.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (same time)

She was so silent as we headed upstairs. She made sure to look anywhere but at me. Fuck. What did I say? I know Bella's stance on having kids. I know she hated her childhood- the one fucking thing we had in common anymore. But why was it so wrong for me to say I was excited for Em and Rose?

What the fuck! She would have yelled at me for saying anything else. Well... my old Bella would have yelled at me. The shell of Bella that I had lived with for almost three years now... fuck she was happy to just ignore anything that made us fight. Or talk. Or fuck.

When we got to the fucking door I couldn't take it anymore. "What?" I spat at her like she was some annoying fucking dog. She jumped at the sound of my voice- proving that I was the biggest fucking asshole in the world.

Fuck Cullen.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." I said putting my hands on either side of her face. I tried to tilt her eyes up toward mine. I could fucking do this. I could fucking take care of her and help her. She just had to let me see what was wrong.

With all the strength left in her little body she forced her face down and hid.

Fuck.

"Bella, are you... I mean I know when we were younger…" Fuck when we were younger. We were still kids. She still wasn't a legal adult yet. But it just felt... right. Felt like we could make this work. We could... start a family. We just had to work through whatever was bothering her.

I knew it was naïve to believe but... I didn't want that life with anyone but Bella.

Fuck. There was a mental picture- Bella, as my wife, pregnant with my kid.

Fuck.

"No." She whispered. I was drawn from my vision by the sheer terror in her voice. It took me back two years. Straight to that tree house. And Bella's blood curdling screams.

What the fuck. "Bella?" I whispered.

She was running to the bedroom before I could process her movement and she slammed the bathroom door shut in my face just as I passed the bed. We fought some more and then… silence.

It was so fucking frustrating. For the most part... I didn't fucking care. I would do anything, put up with anything, to have any kind of life with Bella. I didn't give a fuck. I would be who I needed to be. Say what I needed to say. Fuck I would scrub toilets in fucking Newton's private restroom if it meant I got to have Bella.

I pressed my palms against the door. It wasn't frustrating to change who I was for her. I mostly didn't like a lot of me anyway. It was just fucking unnerving to see that she was slowly fading away. It didn't matter what I fucking did. She just kept getting worse.

I knew I was no help with my new addiction to not facing life- but I was reaching out now, she could take it... or leave it.

I slammed my forehead against the wood. "No more talk about it Bella. I promise. Just come out here and let's go to back down to the party. We don't ever have to talk about it again." And I fucking meant it. No kids. Fine. As long as I got to have Bella it was all fine.

Nothing. No answer. No noise of any kind.

I sat down on the floor with my back to the door.

Defeated. Fuck.

Just like they did every night I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes. I couldn't let her go. Never. I let go of everyone else right before they left me. I stopped giving a shit that Ed beat me two days before he died. I stopped giving a shit about taking care of Tanya right before she shipped us off to Carlisle. I stopped worrying about Jazz and I hadn't heard from him once since Bella and I left New York.

I couldn't stop Bella. I wouldn't stop Bella. I was a fucking failure in everything else in my life but I couldn't fail this.

I wouldn't survive it. If I wasn't made to love Bella Swan what the fuck was I made for!

I sat there in silence for what felt like eternity. She never made a sound in the bathroom I watched as the sun set and my old room was cast in dark shadows. I glared at the bed- scowled at the menacing tree house I could see out the window.

Bad memories. That was Bella's excuse.

Well fuck, it would be mine too.

She wouldn't talk to me. Fine. Fuck her. She had torn my heart enough lately. What the fuck did I expect- I was something repulsive to her anyway. Telling her I wanted to have kids with her probably did her in.

I shoved my way downstairs. There were more people here now. The house looked like a God damn rave. Rose and Em were smearing cake in each other's faces. I went to Carlisle's study. I knew where he kept the good stuff.

I grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed outside. I didn't bother with a glass. I wanted this to happen fast why waste time with a glass. My throat burned like I had swallowed a mother fucking lit match and the amber liquid scorched my stomach when it hit it too.

But it was actually a welcomed sensation. Within minutes I was almost too drunk to stand. I kept throwing back the bottle. I needed more- because every time I drank it I was reminded of a moment in my life that I wished I could take back.

Bella smoking weed with me and having me push her away. Bella and me getting drunk in the tree house and me pushing her away. Bella and me getting shit faced at the lake and me only offering her only my finger.

The contents of the bottle sloshed against the glass as the level of liquid got lower and lower.

Bella screaming in front of that bonfire. Bella dying in my arms. Bella naked above me and moaning beneath me. Bella...

"Shit." I hissed. The way she looked that first day I came back, up there in the tree house that was above me now, she looked... dead.

I slammed my head back against the solid bark of the tree. The world was a tumble of fire, pain and images of Bella. I caught a whiff of raindrops.

"Bella," I whispered. But where was the heather? That was the other part of Bella. Raindrops and heather.

A delicate hand cupped the side of my face. My eyes fell closed. The world around me was a blurry haze. I smelled Bella. I saw Bella.

"Bella," I whispered again.

Soft lips touched mine. I whimpered.

Her lips were warm. Like they were before- back before I killed her.

The lips remained on mine and pressed harder- pushing me back into the tree. I groaned. It felt so damn good.

Bella laughing as we played baseball. Bella dancing with me in the rain.

I felt the drops falling from the sky on us again. Rain was just a constant in the backdrop of our lives.

The lips pressed firm against mine one more time- my hands reached up to cup her face.

I was so far gone that I could barely stand from the buzz coursing through me. I was barely aware that there was something missing- that electric pull that always squeezed my guts. Even when I was wasted off my ass I could still feel that tingle when I kissed her.

I opened my eyes, hopeful that she was willing to talk this over with me. For a brief second I was in heaven. It was raining and I was pressed up against our tree kissing my girl.

Then my vision cleared to find a pair of blue eyes shining back at me.

I heard the gasp from the backdoor in the same second that my brain registered the fact that I wasn't kissing my girl.

I looked up to find the green-eyed monster at the door, Newton's cousin Jane's little body pressed up against mine.

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (Seattle the next day)

I borrowed Alice's car and drove back early this morning.

He left right after the party- once Carlisle told him he was sober enough to drive.

I was rather numb the whole ride home. I wasn't able to process any of it. On one level the bitch was completely gone. As if I no longer had a need for her. Dead Bella was pretty front and center. I... I just couldn't believe it.

He kissed her. Her… some nobody that no one but Mike knew.

I walked out of the back door and saw Edward pressed up against our tree... kissing someone else. I didn't even know who she was. I just knew she wasn't me.

And I knew that he was enjoying it.

He was standing on the corner a block away from the house when I turned on our street.

I parked.

It was time.

He stood next to me but we were no longer together. "You know that I never meant to hurt you." His voice was calm—there was guilt that I hadn't expected to be there.

My throat choked at the confession. I had hurt him so much deeper and for so much longer than he'd ever know. But I couldn't wish away the pain that was burning my flesh just beneath the surface. He may not have meant to, but he killed me succinctly.

"I know," I lied. My eyes did not well up with tears. I could feel it- my heart had stop wanting to cry. I couldn't even shed a tear over the loss of the greatest love my heart had ever known.

"Bella, I'll do whatever you want. Please. Just tell me. If you want to work through this..." He raised his hands to place them on my arms.

I shrunk back. "I don't want you…" My words were terse and sharp. It was irrational but my skin felt raw at the thought of him touching me. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel what his betrayal felt like to me.

When my resolute eyes met his- my confidence wavered. His eyes were... grief-stricken. This was a death to him. He would shoulder the blame and he would... believe me.

My eyes saw red.

Edward never believed himself worthy of me. He believed this time we had together was like every other good thing in his life- fleeting. My heart broke all over again to see that belief shining in his eyes.

Again my anger raged. How could he truly believe me after all we had gone through? After all that I fought against and survived to shield him from the cruel reality of this world. How could he really think... no know, that I would be capable of falling out of loving him.

That just pissed me off. "Go away." I whispered.

I heard him whimper my name, "Bella..." it was a sad, solitary breathless plea. It was all the fight he had left to try to hold me to him. It was... pathetic. I pushed away and turned to head off to the house. I would be gone before he returned—he'd give me the respect of my privacy while I packed.

I waited for it... for the tears to come. Waited for some gut wrenching guilt to take hold and cripple my body from leaving his side.

It never came.

I suppose that's what happens when you die. When you are an evil creature who roams this world after death- some anti-human who no longer has a soul inside her body.

It had been wrong for me to continue to drain the life from his world. Wrong for me to pretend that I could be a whole human once more just by having his arms around me while I slept.

It was my fault. My weakness. And I would rid him of it now. Like the purging of a venom that was poisoning his system, my leaving would save his life. He could be free to live- While I slipped away to die quietly.

I took one last look around the nefarious house before I left. Nothing of me remained. I even made sure to throw out my soap and to spray air freshener around- not even my scent would remain behind to torment him.

I closed the door with a silent click and got into the car. When he got home I would be removed from his life forever. He would not find my socks bunched by the bedside to annoy him anymore. He would not see my wadded pages of unfinished chapters lying by the desk in the corner. My pillow was not on his bed. My bras were not mixed with his boxers. It would be a clean break for him...

A new hope.

A new life.

It would be as if I never existed.

-**-Bookends-**-

CPOV (a week later)

Edward was asleep on the couch when I came downstairs to get ready for work. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward." I said tossing a pillow at his head.

He snorted awake and sat up. He reeked of whiskey. Fuck. I really had no choice but to send him away.

He needed it- the time away. A new outlook on what life meant to him. On who he wanted to be in that life. I understood the need. I was far worse off when I finally sought out Erebos' help.

"What?" He shook his head and ran his hand through that hair that refused to be tamed.

"I want you to pack. Whatever you think you might need for an extended stay in Italy."

"Italy?" He said turning his blood shot eyes on me.

I nodded. "Italy."

"What the hell is in Italy Carlisle?"

"Hope."