Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
Chapter 28: All that's left of you pt. 1
-**-Bookends-**-
"Without you, the hand gropes. The ear hears. The pulse beats. Without you, the eyes gaze. The legs walk. The lungs breathe. The mind churns. The heart yearns. The tears dry without you. Life goes on but I'm gone 'cause I die, without you."
(Without you, Rent, Jonathan Larson)
-**-Bookends-**-
Esme POV (The day Edward leaves for Italy)
Alice stood in front of the door. Her hands were clasped in front of her and her eyes were anywhere but on me.
"I refuse to allow this any longer Alice," I said calmly. I might be retiring next month but I was a female sheriff. I wasn't afraid of a fight.
"She just needs some space, Esme."
I bristled at the fact that anyone had the nerve to tell me what my own child needed. "Bullshit."
Alice's eyes bugged. I rolled mine.
"She is my daughter."
"I know that, Esme. She knows that..."
"She has had two years of space, I am now invading it." Alice was clearly shocked at my threat. There was a sad almost guilt to her blue eyes—eyes that reminded me of the truest understanding and compassion that I saw in her father's identical eyes just this morning when I resolved to come here. "Today is her birthday."
Alice nodded- she was resigning to the inevitable.
"I refuse to allow her to continue to destroy herself," I added sharply. It was time I treated them like the adults they all so desperately claimed they wanted to be. I wasn't going to sidestep the realities of their actions any longer.
The guilt was replaced with a flare of anger. Alice was upset at my challenge. "We would never let her..."
"This isn't a matter of what any of YOU would do!" My cheeks suddenly flamed with frustration. "This is a matter of I gave birth to that child eighteen years ago and now I am going to make certain she respects that gift!"
Alice stepped away from the door in defeat. She was still irate but she knew it would only make matters worse to continue to argue with me.
I was a damn stubborn mule when I needed to be.
"Thank you," I spat curtly and opened the door. I felt bad about yelling at her but I was fed up with just accepting everyone else's word about Bella.
My daughter had treated me like the plague for the last three years. It wasn't for lack of trying on my end. I reached out but she kept shoving me away. The last year she lived at home, my daughter was a zombie. I knew I was responsible for her depression—for the way she withdrew into her own world after I made him leave town. I didn't know how to fix what I had broken with our relationship after that.
My peace offering had been giving Edward back to her.
It only got worse from there.
After she moved to New York, I spent more time speaking to her voicemail than to her. Eventually I started leaving messages that threatened spontaneous visits to see her. Then one day I called her phone and someone else's voice answered on the voicemail. I redialed the number ten times. Each time I called it was like Bella was standing there hitting me over the head with a hammer.
She had gotten a new phone service.
I never got the new number.
The week I finally decided to make good on my threat and just go to New York to see her, since I realized I would never get an invitation, Alice was standing in front of the door just like she was today- guilty and without answers.
She was all alone because Jazz was staying with a professor of his or something. Doing some internship study on a case of anger management and they couldn't be disturbed. All I knew was Alice told me Edward and Bella left the week before.
Left.
Gone.
No forwarding address. No phone number.
My heart broke into a million pieces.
I was so lost when I got back to Forks. At first I was pissed. I couldn't believe she would do something so selfish... so... mean. I wanted to punch something the entire plane ride home. Carlisle started to give me grief about taking a commercial flight and not waiting for a time when he could fly us, and I snapped at him. I made him sleep on the couch for a week. I refused to talk to anyone without biting his or her head off. I was heartbroken.
What had I done that had been so horrible that my own child hated me enough to never see me again?
It was unnerving... no it was terrifying. My child was missing. She was purposely removing me from her life. I had Billy Black ask some P.I. that he knew to look into finding her for me. Technically I could have issued a warrant. She was under eighteen. But she had exited high school early and I knew Bella. She would have fought me. She would have tried to file for emancipation.
That would have killed me, Bella looking to legally no longer be my child.
The biggest factor as to why I never pushed the issue was that I was living with Carlisle. Who the hell was I to say that a kid with the right kind of determination and intelligence couldn't fend for themselves even at such a young age? He did.
Mother's intuition wouldn't let me rest though. There was a look in her eyes when she left me three years ago. One that had only intensified when I finally saw her in person at our wedding and then consumed her the other night when we hosted the party at our old house.
I snapped that night myself. I had allowed this destruction to go on for far too long.
Carlisle had proposed marriage to me three years ago. I talked him into a civil service the weekend after the kids moved out. We didn't need any big to do. Hell, we didn't really need anyone else to officially know. In fact I preferred that my kids not have to deal with it. They had enough to deal with when it came to Charlie. I didn't want Carlisle or the kids to be put in an awkward position. I just needed to officially be his, and have him be mine. We felt like we needed it. Felt that it was what we should have done a long time ago.
I didn't want to make some big show of our joining, but when Bella refused to allow me access to her life. I figured it was the perfect opportunity to pull her out of hiding. I knew if nothing else Edward would never disrespect Carlisle enough to not show up. I was banking on the hope that my daughter would simply have to follow him.
I was such a horrible mother. Manipulating situations to trick my daughter into visiting me.
I walked slowly as I entered the guest room. Bella had decided to turn to Alice and Jazz for help. It was understandable. They were her friends- her brother and sister. They were closer to her age. And they would not judge her.
I sighed.
I couldn't understand why she didn't feel she could trust Emmett and me with supporting her... I must be the worst parent on the face of the earth.
I supposed on one hand I was. I had believed that my kids were always good kids and that I could lean on them to take more responsibility for their own lives while I tried to make ends meet.
I never set out to be a single mother. The second that I became one I refused to use that as a crutch or defense for my mistakes. But I had chosen a path and responsibility as a sheriff and that job required a lot of me. In turn, I required a lot out of my kids. They were never allowed to just be kids.
For Em it was a bonus, he enjoyed the responsibility. He loved looking after our family like he was the father. But then there was a space open for Em to fill. Charlie hardly wanted anything to do with the kids. They were my kids and he just sent me the check to support them. Em could take his father's place since his father clearly never wanted it.
But Bella... Bella was always just misplaced. She was the youngest. She was always shielded and babied. And she hated it.
She wanted to take care of us, but Em was the protector. Bella wanted to be the heart of the family, but I was the mother. I would never admit it to Carlisle but the only reason I let her start hanging out with Edward when he first moved in next door was because I saw my daughter finally find a place where she fit. She could protect Edward from all of our negativity. And she could care for him like the mother he never had. She could also find her place as a young woman and a partner.
It was wrong, I knew that now, but I relied on Edward to give Bella purpose.
I should have started with helping her find that purpose inside herself first. I should have started with not relying on her to figure it all out on her own. I should have just… been there.
My heart never ached for my baby girl more than it did the other day—seeing her barely holding on. She was putting all of her hopes of happiness on the too young shoulders of poor Edward, just like I had.
Edward.
Bella was still fast asleep when I came up to the side of the bed. She would probably be angry to know that I supported Edward right now almost more than I did her.
I was no idiot. I knew Bella had been hiding something from me for years—years before she left town. I knew that Edward was really a good kid deep down. Once I came to terms with that night, the night she almost died, I actually respected the fact that Edward would protect her so naturally and with such ferocity. I trusted him from that moment on. Trusted that he wanted the same things I did for my daughter. And I knew that he related to her in a way that none of the rest of us could. Though the girl that came back to me now was broken, I didn't blame Edward for the damage.
Carlisle told me yesterday that he decided to take Edward to Italy. I had agreed with his choice, Erebos was a good friend and mentor to my husband. I remembered how lost Carlisle was after Mary left. Erebos brought him around to being the man I was in love with today.
Though Carlisle would have to explain that wedding present he left for us... an orange tree seemed like such an odd choice.
I went to the airport with Carlisle and my stepson. I kissed Edward's cheek and told him he had a home when he was ready to come back to it. The look on his face was priceless…and heartbreaking.
It was some mixture of distrust and respect but there was also some crazy reverence like the one that was in Jazz's eyes the night he walked in on Carlisle and I in bed. Carlisle told me it had everything to do with my chest. I agreed, though I preferred to believe it was the heart inside my chest that we were talking about. He assured me it was my breasts.
Men. I rolled my eyes. Cullen men.
I smirked as I sat in the rocking chair beside her bed. I recognized it as the one from Bella's old room. She sent Alice over to retrieve it from Em's house shortly after she came to town two weeks ago. She must have known she would break up with Edward this weekend.
I shook my head and tried to erase the image of Edward's sad eyes when I told him goodbye. How blind we all had been.
I knew that Bella was in trouble. But I had hoped it was something that would pass in time. I clenched my fists and sighed. I wouldn't allow her to blow me off this time.
I brought the cuffs.
She was going to talk to me. And after that... she was going to start living again.
Her face scrunched in sleep. A whimper passed between her lips. She was still such a baby in my eyes. She always would be.
My baby.
I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. She sighed and relaxed deeper into her dream.
"Happy Birthday, baby," I whispered.
I promised myself, this would not be her last.
-**-Bookends-**-
EPOV (Italy same time)
I glared at the map. Yes, there was a driver and car waiting to pick me up when I got off the jet. Yes, Carlisle had warned me about all of Erebos' quirks and his lifestyle. And yes, I knew I was heading to place with no name.
But honestly! "It doesn't even exist on a map?"
"No," the driver said. Demetri, the driver's name was Demetri.
I nodded and sighed back into the seat. I had another two hours before we would end up... nowhere.
I watched the scenery fly by the window. Was I supposed to be impressed by it? I wasn't.
That's not true. I probably would have made Demetri stop so I could sketch it. There were, first, fields of luscious green that swayed in the warm afternoon breeze. And then, as we got closer to point of no return, there were cliffs and waves and clouds.
I reclined my head back. I didn't notice any of the sights that passed the window.
I only saw her.
The green was the emerald of her eyes. The brown of the trees were the waves of her hair.
The clouds were her troubled soul.
Guilt was a funny thing. I had felt some form of it all of my life. I had felt guilty for living since my existence pissed Ed off so much. I felt responsible for not being strong enough to protect Tanya. Accountable when I fell behind in taking care of Jazz. I felt shameful that Carlisle had to bail us out so much. I swore to myself when I was eight years old that I would find a way to support Jazz and me and I promised it was the last time my uncle would ever have to do that again. The guilt increased that night when Tanya proved me wrong.
There was hardly a memory I had of Isabella Swan now that wasn't drenched in remorse- saturated in my personal self-loathing. I was never worthy enough to be with her.
I could almost feel Alice slapping me right now. Wallowing in self-pity was sort of the only thing I was good at anymore. There was no escape from it these days. Not after the other night.
I could still taste that bitch's strawberry flavored lip-gloss. It turned my stomach. I would rather have kissed Bella's strawberry scented hair.
But the guilt I felt now as I ran away from the world that I have called home for a handful of years was hard to understand. Right now, I felt bad that I was glad to be gone.
"Fuck," I groaned—squeezing my eyes shut and praying that the car exploded. I felt the same pang in my stomach that I did the day my father died. I felt relieved to no longer have to be there.
I couldn't smile the way I did when Ed was buried, but I could breathe easier. I didn't have to worry about seeing her and breaking her a little more than I had the day before. I didn't have to clutch my arms around my chest when all I wanted to do was close the short distance between us and hug her. She no longer had to pretend that it wasn't killing her to let me touch her.
I bit down on the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood. I was fighting back tears that I didn't need anyone around here to see. And yet, I was... happy to see her angry with me.
For the first time in years, Bella was experiencing an emotion. No, it wasn't the one I had hoped for. No, I didn't like that she would probably hate me forever now. But her skin was flush with fury and her eyes sparkled with rage. She was more beautiful in her hatred of me than she had ever been since I returned from Tanya's.
I wanted to fall on my knees and worship her for the goddess she was in that moment. I was such a fucking pussy these days. I settled for standing back and letting her leave me. I didn't want to fight her. That might push her to revert—and the strong, enraged Bella was breathtaking. I couldn't wish her away.
"Here we are," Demetri said with a subtle accent. I slid on my shades and jumped out before he could open my door. I wasn't some prissy bitch who needed some guy to open his door for him.
I did, however, let him get my bags. Fuck that shit.
Once I was out of the car I realized we were not at a house... we were at a castle.
"Where are we?"
Demetri laughed at my dumbstruck face. "This is Lord Erebos' keep. It has belonged to the VonTuri family for five centuries."
He went in to a history of the family and the estate.
I stood with my mouth hanging open like a goddamn dumb ass. "Who the fuck is this guy?" I whispered.
"Your last hope, my boy."
-**-Bookends-**-
Esme POV
"Get up."
Bella stirred slightly but grumbled and rolled away from me.
"Get up, Bella," I repeated in a commanding, but gentle tone.
When she failed to move again I walked to the bathroom. I turned the faucet on and let the water run until it was freezing cold. I filled up the cup sitting next to her toothbrush.
I gave her one more chance. "Now Isabella, get up."
Her body remained motionless. I walked to her side of the bed, braced myself for her reaction, and dumped the contents of the cup on to her head.
She screamed. She thrashed. I turned her over and locked her arms behind her like a perp.
"We're going on a little trip."
"MOM!" She tried to turn her head to look at me but the hold I had her in limited her movements. I leaned around her shoulder to look her in the eyes. I kept a firm grip on her body and made my determination clear in my voice and eye contact.
"You are going to get dressed and follow me."
"What in the hell..."
"Isabella, you are going to get dressed and follow me."
She made a snarling noise in her chest and struggled against my restraints. I'm sorry baby. I don't know how else to do this. But this has to be done.
"What are doing? This... It's my BIRTHDAY for Christ's sake!"
"I know... and that is why you are getting up and following me. Say yes, Bella."
"Mom..."
"Say yes... Bella," I tightened my grip on her wrists, not to hurt her but to emphasize my point.
Her mouth popped open like she was in pain. She gasped subtly and I didn't miss the tear that ran down her cheek. I blinked back mirrored moisture in my eyes. This was the only kind of mother I knew how to be- I had to be it for her right now.
"Okay," she whispered.
I eased off of her and she shoved past me for her clothes. "I need a shower," she said looking down at the floor. Her chin was shaking. For some reason the sight of my daughter's submissive stance didn't break my heart so much as solidify my resolve.
"No," I commanded. "Get dressed."
She shot me an indignant look. I resisted the urge to cuff her. "You don't need a shower for where we're going."
She blinked rapidly. "Can I at least pee?" I nodded. She walked into the bathroom and I was two steps behind her.
"What the fuck..."
"I watch."
Her cheeks were flushed with humiliation and I could tell she was getting over her shock and hurt and heading into anger. Good. That meant I might just be able to get through to her.
She threw her clothes on the floor and sneered at me. Our eyes staid locked as she proceeded to disrobe in a more heated fury. I just kept my face and eyes free of expression and emotion.
Once she was finally naked she headed into the bathroom and glared at me while she used the toilet. I planted my feet and glared right back.
I was trained to deal with people who did a hell of a lot worse with far more of an audience. I knew I could never be the kind of mom who sat down with Bella and just had a heart to heart talk. I was good at interrogation. I was accomplished in dealing with people who had given up on living productive lives. I knew the signs. I knew how she needed to be dealt with.
I doubted entirely that Bella would open up to me and admit why she had fallen so far into this depression and total disregard for life. And I came up with a solution to help both of us openly communicate without me ever having to know the specifics of what was killing her.
I wanted to know. I had to know what was destroying my baby girl- I had to be able to fight it for her, with her. But if all I was promised was that after today Bella balled up her fists and started fighting against whatever it was, I would be happy.
"You wanna frisk me too, Chief Swan?" Her voice told me a lot of things. It said she was irritated. It warned that she was ready and willing to lash out, maybe even try to hurt something if she wasn't tempered. But most of all I could hear the confirmation that my daughter no longer thought of me as her mother. Chief Swan.
I pushed the pain down. My goddamn name was Chief Swan. If she wanted to call me it, then she was by God going to deal with the sheriff.
"You're giving me just cause," I threatened. She seethed and started putting on her clothes in silence.
I wanted so many things in that moment. I wanted to throw my arms around her and just wish her happy birthday. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and take an easier approach with today.
But the person getting dressed in front of me was not my daughter. I held on to the belief that she was trapped inside of this person. The only way to get her out was to stick to my guns.
"Follow me," I turned to leave the room. Alice was nowhere in sight when we hit the studio room on the way out.
Good. I always thought that girl had a way with knowing things. Clearly she knew better than to interfere with my plans with Bella today.
The ride in the truck was silent. Well... as silent as it could be in a beat up clunker of a truck like the Chevy.
"I remember the day my dad bought this old thing," I randomly admitted to the open air in the cab. I didn't really care if she was listening. I just let my mind wander back to that day. Words spilled from my mouth as the images danced inside my mind.
"He was so excited. It was a piece of crap back then." I laughed. "But it was the first truck he could buy with his own money. And that meant something." I remembered the look of pride in his eyes when he displayed the rusted pick up to Mom and me. Told Bella how her grandmother tried so hard to cover her disapproval. We didn't have a lot of money back then. And this truck didn't look like it would run longer than a month or two.
But there was Dad, so damn proud. And Mom just smiled and told him how proud she was of him. I remembered that the look in his eyes was cast on me some years later when I had my badge pinned to my chest.
"Yah," Bella's contempt pulled me from my memories. "I guess we're all good at lying to each other in this family."
I clenched my jaw, my eyes narrowing on the dusky morning road. "Your grandmother might have thought it was a stupid investment, Bella, but he proved us all wrong. This thing has run like a dream ever since the day he bought it. Never needed to be repaired. Never broke down. Never—"
"It's just a stupid truck, Mom."
I took a deep breath. She needed to make up her mind. Was I Chief Swan, or was I Mom? Right now I couldn't be both. And Mom was starting to doubt what the Chief had planned next. I blinked back what I hoped were the last of my tears until this was over.
"I'm not giving up on it, Isabella. It means a lot to me. It might be damaged and look like hell is about to swallow it whole, but I know what its like underneath all of that."
She snorted and continued to look out the passenger window.
I thought of Carlisle. He had placed his hands on either side of my face this morning, kissed my eyelids, my nose and my lips. And promised me that I was the strongest person he knew. I was doing the right thing.
I found support in that.
"You know, your grandfather never got to meet you kids. He would have loved you." I hit the blinker and alerted the world to my intended destination.
"The cemetery," Bella whispered.
I didn't speak. I just remembered the night my Dad passed. I was pregnant with Em at the time, and Charlie was back east on business. My mom sat with me all night, she was stronger than I was. I knew she was in pain but she could pull herself together and stand up... I couldn't. She said it was the hormones—my emotions were too raw for me not to act that way at the time. But now that I was a mom, I understood.
You find it. That kind of strength that makes people stand in awe of what you have done. That kind of unequivocal truth that shreds all doubt from your mind. When your child is in pain, you tap into a place inside yourself that goes beyond your own pain.
I drove around the grounds. The family plot was in the back. I choked back the tears that always came with remembering that night. I never got to say goodbye, the stroke hit him quickly and it was an hour drive to Forks from Port Angeles. He was gone before I entered the hospital.
I parked ten feet from the stone white bench with the name 'McCarty' etched into the side of it.
I searched the silent air in front of me, never moving from my spot in the cab—never intending to get out, or to allow Bella to leave. I just sat. I stared at the dash- the clock was still broken. It had been stuck on the time 4:15 a.m. since the day it came into our possession. None of us ever thought to fix it.
I took a deep, unsteady breath. "Just promise me one thing, Bella," I whispered without looking at her. "Promise me that I..." my voice cracked. "That I won't ever had to come visit you here."
I'm not sure what I was expecting- a gasp of fear, or maybe even an ironic laugh of sarcasm. The slamming truck door followed by a deafening rush of no sound made my heart stop beating.
I jumped out of the truck- Bella made a beeline for the tree at the edge of the graves. I ignored the jolt in my chest at the thought of the reality of what I had asked her.
I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected we'd go for a walk.
"Bella?" Where did I begin? She dropped to her knees, her back to me, when she reached the tree. My mind froze for a second.
Then the sound of her quiet tears reached my ears.
I sat behind her, tears now flowing down my cheeks. "It's okay," I promised. I wound my arms around her shoulders from behind. She drew in a shaky breath, her head automatically shaking as if to plead me not to ask her what was wrong.
"You don't have to tell me anything, baby," I whispered. I brushed her hair aside and rested my forehead on her shaking shoulders. "It's okay... It's—"
"I..." My heart leapt at the sound of her voice.
"I promise," she breathed.
-**-Bookends-**-
EPOV (two months later)
I stood outside his door. I could hear her moaning from all the way out in the hall.
I raised an eyebrow. Had living here desensitize me to this- to even the thought of sex. I wondered what purpose there was in that. Carlisle was dead set on the fact that he sent me to a teacher- I had stupidly assumed he meant someone who could help me with my art. Erebos was an accomplished painter and musician after all.
I was slowly starting to realize he fucking meant a life-coach. I scowled at the door. If therapy was the road I was on now, it would be nice to have someone to sit and talk to. Erebos was the fucking Master Yoda of therapists... no more like Mr. Miyagi.
His methods were all riddles and haiku, never just good old fucking talking.
"Come in Edward," his rich voice said calmly from inside the room. I could tell from the other sounds drifting through the door that he was not finished with the woman in his room.
I swallowed. Hard. What the hell was this guy's game?
"Edward," he repeated calmly.
I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes. Just a naked body. Just a naked body.
True to form, when I walked into the room he had her sprawled out on the chaise. He stood with his back to us both as he captured her front on canvas. It was obvious that he had not been touching her. I chanced a glance her direction. Her eyes were closed and a look of intense concentration was on her face. Great. He was mind fucking her too.
The room was decorated in furniture from forgotten years and the sun was setting with a pink glow that flowed from the veranda. It made me feel like I was trapped in some fucking period movie instead of really standing here.
"What troubles you now, my boy?"
I glared at his back. He knew what fucking troubled me. He was the only one with the key to that room.
"You've locked the spare room," I grumbled. Spare... what a joke. There was a handful of staff that lived on the grounds, Erebos, and his harem of girl friends that equaled about five, and me. There were more than a twenty spare rooms here.
But there was only one room that he had called my spare room when I moved in. In it he put the baby grand piano that I practiced on, all of my art supplies, and all of the liquor in the house.
I knew eventually that room would serve some other purpose than storage. Welcome to step one motherfucker, he just locked up all of your vices... well not all of them. I still had a picture of her in my pocket.
"I will let you have one thing from the room, Edward," he spoke without turning from his work. He also painted a perfect picture without turning around to glance at his subject.
I closed my mouth. What to choose? I would miss the piano. Music had become an escape for me from the moment I returned to Tanya's house four years ago. But music would remind me of Bella. A jolt of pain shot through my chest at the thought of her name.
No music. No piano.
My sketch pad and pencils... what the fuck did I have to sketch that wouldn't be some part of her? The idea of sketching the body, the lips and the eyes of the one thing I could never see, touch, or possess again was pure torture.
No... I couldn't sketch. I couldn't hear her through my music. Both would push me toward the only vice that had offered me solace... relief from the pain.
"Booze," I said flatly.
The brush upon canvas stopped mid-stroke. I watched, as his shoulders rose and fell with what I could only assume was a sigh of disappointment.
"Very well." he put the brush down. He didn't turn around to look at me. He just planted his feet and gazed out the open double doors, at the fading sunlight. I was starting to feel almost as exposed at the poor woman on the chair between us. Why the fuck was that about?
Was it so wrong for me to want what I wanted? Fuck him. What right did he have to make me doubt myself? I wasn't a toddler- I could leave whenever I wanted.
"The alcohol will be in your room tonight."
I mumbled a 'thanks' and turned to leave.
"Oh, Edward," he called. I played his game and didn't turn to see him. I just stopped to listen.
"It comes with a price."
-**-Bookends-**-
Felix finished wheeling the fifth crate into my room later that night. I glared at it... all of it. I was gonna punch Carlisle straight in the mother fucking face when I saw him next. Stranded on a fucking island with a lunatic.
Great.
"Thank you, Felix." Erebos ran his hand over Felix's cheek and down to his shoulder as he spoke. Felix was a good foot taller than Erebos, and quite possibly the most ripped guy I'd ever seen, next to Emmett Swan that is, but Erebos towered over him with that one movement.
I rolled my eyes. The price damn well better not be my ass. Erebos might get in the pants of everyone else around here but he won't get in mine.
He laughed out loud when he took in my expression. "You are certainly related to your uncle, my boy."
I swallowed over a hard lump in my throat at that thought. I had failed my uncle the most over the past couple of years. He trusted me to not fuck things up. But here I was.
Royal fuck up, Edward Cullen. Shit. I didn't even deserve to call myself Cullen anymore. I was acting like a Masen the older I got.
"What's this cost you want from me?" I hoped direct and to the point from me would garner a mirrored reply from him.
"I won't be fucking you, Edward." Score one for me. Finally, I statement I fucking understood.
"My lifestyle is just that- mine. It simply allows me to know myself on a level that offers me greater... let us say, serenity."
Damn. Right back where we started.
"So... Carlisle sent me here, because you're such a great example at how to live my life?"
"No. That implies that the way I live my life is ultimately right. It is for me- not you. He sent you here because I can help you find the best way to live the life that is right for you."
"Why do I think you're gonna tell me to wax on and wax off next?" I uttered in uneasy trepidation.
He laughed again. "You are smarter than your looks would imply."
I had to laugh at that. "Pretty boys are dumb."
"I never said you looked pretty." He smirked and I just rolled my eyes. Bella thought I was pretty.
The small amount of joy that was on my face, and in my thoughts, plummeted the second I thought her name. Pain. Raw. Agonizing pain.
"You bring the crowbar?" I was fucking tired of waiting. Let him ask his price, I needed what was in these crates if I was going to keep breathing.
"Yes." He tore open the first box nearest to us. I had hoped for something strong, possibly even something local. Wine would be a bitch to drink but I would if that was all he had. In the spare room he had kept a decanter always filled with Limoncello.
He pulled out the bottle of Jack and I nearly shit myself.
I couldn't do it. I had only turned to that crap back when I was living with her because it was there... and then it was...just habit. But now... it was the smell of Ed Masen and the flavor of my mother's abuse. And every drop would taste like the look in Bella's eyes when she left me.
"This is the only... how did you call it... booze that you will be permitted to drink. All other liquor has been removed from the grounds. I have no need for it at the moment, your needs are greater than mine."
I tried to hide the disgust on my face. I'd rather drink out of the toilet than force down any more Jack.
"Also..." There was more? Fuck me. "Since you did not seem to want the other articles in the spare room, they have been...disposed of."
I glared at him. "What the hell do you mean by disposed?"
He offered a smile of apathy. "The piano has been sold and relocated to a home that cherishes and appreciates the gift of music. And you will not find any instruments in the house with which you may sketch."
"You... what the fuck? You mean there isn't a piece of paper..."
"Or a single pen or pencil... at your disposal. If you need something written down Felix and Demetri will be more than happy to help assist you. I'm afraid you gave up your opportunity for that outlet when you chose... the booze."
He wasn't going to do this to me. Fucking Ed Masen tossed my a down a flight of stairs when I was five years old. I got right back up and balled my fists. Taking away pencils and paper was not going to prove anything to me.
"Now, the price," I froze. That wasn't it? What kind of fucking logic did this guy have? He smiled. "You are to drink every time you think her name."
I could feel my body shaking. He hadn't spoken her name, but he was talking about her. Admitting that he was doing all of this shit because this was some fucked up form of therapy.
"No thanks," I seethed.
I sat down on the couch beside the crates. He just stood there. Smirking.
I folded my arms across my chest. His eerie ass just kept staring at me. And my anger swirled around what he had said more than what he was doing. Her. Bella. I hissed at the instant agony that burned in my chest at the sound of her name across my mind.
Unconsciously my eyes darted to the now open bottle in his hand. It was tempting. Fuck me. It was like fucking crack to a junkie.
"Don't deny that at this moment in your life you need this, Edward." His voice was almost as soothing as I knew the burn from the elixir in his hand would be.
Just a swig...
"It is not a shame to want peace."
I licked my lips in one slow movement of tongue...
"The pain inside of you is blocking out any other desire or need."
My throat was suddenly so dry I felt my breaths sticking to the lining of my mouth.
"But you can't drink a single drop unless you think of her. And you must drink whenever you think of her."
I still didn't understand that part. But the old man had his reasons... and just the hint of thinking of Bella made my chest squeeze and the need for the dink in his grasp drive me fucking insane.
I jumped from the couch and grabbed the bottle. I threw my head back and pulled up every last memory I had of her.
By the fourth time I raised the bottle to my lips I understood what he was doing to me.
It was a double-edged knife I was standing on. I needed the alcohol because I was in so much pain from missing Bella. The only way I could drink was to think of Bella.
And the more I thought of Bella, the more I needed to drink.
Suddenly the crates of whiskey in my room didn't seem like enough booze.
"And Edward," Erebos said as he opened the door to leave. I could already feel my body reacting to the burning liquid. "Please be sure to do just one other thing for me... don't kill yourself all in one night."
Fuck.