Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 29: All that's left of you pt 2

-**-Bookends-**-

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

(I shall believe, Sheryl Crow)

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (two months after Esme took her to the cemetery)

I poured myself a cup of coffee from the metal dispenser at the back of the room. There were cookies laid out. I grimaced and passed.

I was planning my escape route.

Jazz had convinced me that group therapy was best. I kept up my journal writing. He thought I was "progressing" with that. Whatever the hell that meant. I let him read everything I wrote. I didn't have any secrets from Jazz. He knew my darkest secret, what was the use in hiding what I was thinking? I was shocked beyond all belief to hear him say he liked them. Liked? Liked my psychotic rambling mind? He just rolled his eyes and I said he thought I should pursue getting something published. Thought it was a good outlet for me.

Positive creation, he called it.

I left my journal in my bag and glared at the scene in front of me. Group therapy—a bunch of strangers in a room staring at me and judging me. My mouth was suddenly dry.

I still wasn't ready to actually put voice to the… event. I was writing more and more about the time right after—the numb days of darkness when all I had was the warmth from Edward's body to hold me to this world. I had blocked those days out over the past three years. Somehow I had warped that bond I had with Edward, the lifeline that had kept me from slipping into the darkness, to be some sort of twisted cure for this illness I had. I was so such a depraved, pathetic soul sucking creature.

I closed my eyes and said my daily apology in my head. Edward, I'm sorry. You deserved so much better. I hope now that you are free of me you are finding a happier life. I'll live in this purgatory forever if it means you have a chance to live and be happy.

I heard a woman laughing by the entrance. Laughing? At a grief therapy meeting? That inner bitch was hissing at me. The meeting hasn't started yet stupid. I sighed. I had begged Jazz to not send me here. I didn't want to try to talk about this. But he said at these sessions I didn't have to. I just had to be here and see and hear how others were surviving their lives.

Miss Laughing at the door was making me inch closer to the exit.

Jazz's doctor, Alec, was the sponsor of the group—Grief Guidance and Group Healing. I rolled my eyes. Jazz hoped I would grow comfortable enough with Alec from this to trust him in a private setting and get down to fixing me.

I snorted sardonically as I pushed away from the snack table—resolved to the idea that I would at least have to tough out this first meeting. There were rows of orange metal chairs lined up in front of a small stage.

I silently wished crap like this wasn't so clichéd. I scoped out a spot in the back—away from what I hoped was the area the main crowd would sit in. I fidgeted in my seat waiting for more people to arrive. Jazz had warned me a week ago that he couldn't make this meeting. He swore he would come with me to all of the others. There was some nearly gone part of me that had to smile at the memory.

I had forgotten how much Jazz cared about people. How much I had relied on that kindness in the past. Edward would call it some fucked up logic, but I kind of felt more like my old self when I saw his desperate face promising that he'd be there for me. It had been so long since I'd been around any sincere emotions like that.

Edward and I just lied to each other.

I could hear people talking around me and some started filling seats in sporadic places. I was getting that panic thump in my chest. I wasn't looking forward to the introduction part. They did that at these things, right? I rehearsed a quick, "Hi my name is, Bella, and I've been depressed all of my life". I silently groaned.

I never liked public speaking. I knew the second they started having people talk I would freak out until it was my turn.

"Bella?" I had just taken a sip of the coffee when the last fucking voice I had ever expected to hear hit my ears.

I actually choked on my coffee as I met Mike's eyes. Shit.

"What are you doing here?" My worry made the question sound more like a threat than I had meant for it to be. With someone I knew as well as Mike sitting in this room anonymity was lost. I was wearing a fucking scarlet letter on my chest and my heart went straight to sudden death.

He smiled and sat down next to me without invitation. "I've been coming here for two years." I blinked at him in surprise. His smile grew. Same old Mike, he still looked exactly like that little twerp I met in pre-K.

"You know that my family runs the outfitters in town?" I nodded. "Well, I get to know a lot of the people who come through here for hiking. I've become friends with a few of them…." He stopped for a second and took a deep breath—looking off towards the stage.

"A bear attacked a good buddy of mine a few years ago. He... died... in the woods... all alone."

"I'm so sorry, Mike."

He blinked back tears. Obviously this was something that hit him hard. I wondered at the fact that I had known Mike my whole life, and I never knew he had lost a good friend like that. Where the hell had I been these past few years?

Edward's face the day I left him flashed before my eyes. Right.

"The thing is... I was supposed to go with him. I stayed home instead..." his face scrunched with a self-loathing that was all too familiar to me. I shifted in my seat uneasily. "I never really liked hiking, but I told him I knew these woods better than anyone. It was a lie, I got... lost. Turned back early and figured he'd just push on without me." Mike turned his face away from me and fought back more tears.

I brought the cup to my lips once more. Not so much for the drink but to hide my apprehension with how easily Mike could spill his guts. I knew a big part of it was that he was talking to me. He trusted me. We had history. Knowing someone since before you could walk replaced fear with familiarity. But I wondered how long he'd been coming here before he was willing to share something so... private.

Would I ever be able to tell him why I was sitting here? Could I ever tell anyone? Explain myself to my family?

To Edward?

"Where's Jazz?" Mike asked after a short period of silent wall staring. I shrugged, hoping to look nonchalant but secretly wanting to wring Jazz's neck. He purposely chose this meeting. He purposely didn't come to my first visit. He wanted me to engage myself with Mike and everyone else.

Familiarity. "Thanks Jazz," I cursed under my breath.

"Okay," a young man called from the foot of the stage. He looked like he was younger than me. "I'd like for us to get started."

"You're gonna like Alec," Mike explained without me indicating interest on the subject. "He's... young." I laughed along with Mike's sheepish grin. "But he knows how to help people."

I didn't believe this Alec would be the Dalai Lama of grief counseling but I trusted Jazz.

The next hour I sat back and watched. I was never singled out. Nor was I stared at or questioned. Everyone around me was trapped in his or her own grief, even Mike. I felt like I was waking up from some kind of coma while I watched them. Did I look that… lost all of the time?

You probably look worse. Your own mother threatened to handcuff you.

Once or twice I noticed Alec watching me. He'd smile and then he'd move his eyes to the next patient seeking his support. It made me feel... violated in some way to be seen here by him. Like he knew something about me I hadn't approved of being public.

He knew what I kept hidden under all of the layers of pain and detachment. He stripped it all away and left me feeling naked and defenseless.

No.

I started counting silently in my head- just like Jazz had taught me to do back in the first few months after the incident. I was in control. No one was asking anything from me right now. I didn't have to tell anyone why I was here. Hell, for all I knew Mike thought I was here because breaking up with Edward made me such a miserable wreck that I couldn't function properly anymore.

I took a sip of the now lukewarm coffee.

That was, actually, how I felt. It was hard to breathe without Edward. This dull ache that I sought help for in this room had been eased so much by the presence of his body next to mine. Even when it killed us to be near each other... I knew it would hurt more once he was gone. My chest constricted as I saw his wounded brown eyes in my mind again. I wondered idly if he'd thought of me half as much as I'd thought of him. He was in every breath my body drew in—shaky and uncertain of the ability of my heart to keep beating.

Daily apology number two ran through my mind. Edward, I'm sorry I tortured you with this hunger inside of me. I hope that one day you can forgive me for draining the life out of you for my own survival.

Alec made his announcements for the following weeks and everyone started to amble towards the door. I looked around sort of shocked. I'd survived. I didn't feel healed, but for a moment I had been distracted from feeling completely alone.

I picked up the small backpack that I used instead of a purse. I hated purses. The backpack was a more practical bag. Not pretty, but always practical.

Ten minutes later, I cursed practicality when I couldn't find my keys. They were forever being eaten by the contents of my bag. While I swirled my hand over and under and through everything I felt possessed to carry with me, I, again, missed the fact that Mike was standing next to me.

"You wanna get something to eat?"

I looked up from my frustrating search and met his baby blue eyes. They seemed simple, clear, almost devoid of emotion. But that was probably only due to the fact that the eyes I was used to looking into were nearly black with passion and sentiment so intense that they made my knees buckle. Mike's eyes didn't make me swoon, they just... put me at ease, I guess.

"Sure," I nodded and followed him out into the bright sunny day.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (2 years later, Italy)

He laughed. He was taunting me with that sound. It had been a long damn time since I found anything funny. I rolled my eyes and eased back in the patio chair. The party was mostly dying down. I wouldn't be missed.

I lit my cigarette and tried to draw warmth from the smoke—shielding it from the occasional raindrop that found me. I did see humor in the fact that Erebos didn't find my smoking a vice. "I'm not your mother" was his flat response when I asked him about it. I guess I didn't smoke for any particular reason. I just did it. Like breathing.

Everything else I did was... some sort of means to an end.

I took a sip of the drink I had been nursing all night. Still burned. Still turned my stomach.

But it was still necessary for my survival.

It was raining. So much fucking water was pouring down that it looked like the island was placed under a waterfall. And I was sitting outside on the middle veranda like I was sunbathing. The moment stirred some strong memories in me. Déjà vu that threatened to kill me.

That night, the one in my memory, the pain had been eased by my first vice. My hands twitched at the thought. My mind saw swirls of greens and reds.

I took another sip. Burn. Hiss. Deadened pain.

I was surrounded once again by thoughts of Bella. Another sip. A lonely night on a fire escape. Bella. Sip. Countless nights in a tree house. Bella. Sip. The roof of a hotel while awaiting judgment. Bella. Sip. Dancing on the docks with Bella laughing in my arms. I downed the remainder of the drink in one swig.

I heard a sigh behind me. Finally he stopped laughing.

"Edward." I put the glass down on the ground beside my foot. I took another long, slow drag of my smoke. And I let the cold from the rain coat me like a second skin. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

I smiled that damn bastard smirk that I picked up from my mother and shrugged. I was more interested in breathing in and out than I was of discussing any of this with him.

"Do you still... think about her?"

"Are you fucking kidding me, old man?"

He threw his head back and laughed. I scowled and went back to watching the rain cascading over the lake in the distance.

"No. I was just wondering... do you see her face and do you... think her name."

I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out his methods. I had to admit that those first few months that I was here were a blur. I spent most of them drunk off my ass thanks to guilt and torment that I felt over losing her. It was a weird feeling. Not like when I was drinking while living with her. Back then, I had felt like Ed Masen. I turned to the alcohol to help me be someone I wasn't. To help me hide because Edward Cullen hurt her... for whatever reason... but Ed Jr. she was okay with.

At least until the day she decided she wasn't okay with him anymore either.

I shook my head. Now I drank to remind myself of who I was, and who she was. I caught on quick enough. Erebos was making me drink myself out of the illusion. I had to find me and I could only find me if I forgot about her. When I didn't think of her as... Bella… I hissed for the need to refill my drink. It was easier to breathe. I had to make her just a she or a her and not... Bella.

The burn started up again. I'd be drinking into oblivion again tonight. Great.

"Are you ready to put the bottle down now, Edward?" I glared up at him. The rain was dripping in my eyes but I could see he wasn't joking.

"What do you mean?"

Erebos walked further out into the rain. I jumped to my feet to follow. The unfilled glass and my cigarette discarded behind me.

"What have you learned since the day I gave you the bottle Edward?"

I frowned as I watched the sweeping grounds of muddy green and brown before me. I thought back to two years ago. The person I was back then. Compared that motherfucker to the person I was now.

"To moderate." Control. It was the basic key to survival around here. Think, then act, and then think some more. I never realized before how much of my life I lived inside my head- alone with my thoughts. Erebos made damn sure that I continued to do that, but he also encouraged me to think out loud- join the world outside of me. I thought about that, saw the world in front of and around me.

I remembered that I wasn't Ed Masen but rather Edward Cullen.

"To... regain consciousness," I whispered.

He nodded. "Very good. And do you think you are ready to put down the bottle and wake up completely?"

I considered his words. There he goes making me dig deeper and think harder again. He wasn't content with just coming out and saying something. And there was always more than one meaning to what he did choose to say.

"I'm not over her," I whispered. My chest squeezed at the thought that I might ever reach a point when I would be. I didn't believe I could live in a world where I didn't love Bella. I hissed again.

Erebos turned to watch me, much like he had his property a minute ago. "You never will be Edward. Love is not something we feel in passing. It is a root in our heart. But such vines can grow too fast and swell to block other emotions from finding their place in our hearts. Love is a freedom and sadly you have confused it with a sentence. You can not undo the knot of love, but letting something control you… that can be weeded out."

I nodded. Yes. I knew what he meant. I was forever destined to love that girl. But I needed to find a healthy way to go about it.

"Why did I make you drink away your pain? Did it work? Were you never in pain while you had the drink in your hand?"

That one was more than easy to explain.

"No."

I was always in pain—more so than just thinking about her. I had to reconcile the notion that I was turning into my father if I relied on the alcohol to get me through. I never wanted to drink another drop of my pain again.

"I'd rather just be in pain," I said plainly. It was the truth. It was a fact that I must have known back then, but after years of watching Bella fade away in front of me… that pain had become too heavy to bear without the drink.

"Good." He went back to watching the rain. Neither of us moved. It seemed like a dumb thing to do, sit out in the cold, wet rain and not move indoors to have this conversation. But I felt at home out here. Rain comforted me in a way no warmth could.

He was silent. That meant stew a while inside your head, Edward, and figure out what I'm telling you.

I put my hands in my pockets and scowled down at the stone landing. If I put the bottle down…that meant I was no longer looking to hide inside of it. I was becoming more the old me... but if I put it down, something else had to occupy my hands.

"So... what are you offering to replace the bottle with?"

He smiled but didn't look at me. And to think it only took two years of my life to figure that shit out. "What would you like?"

Erebos was literally loaded. His family was ancient and rich. Investments simply begat more money in his bank accounts. Whatever I wanted could be a hell of a lot of things.

Out of nowhere, and for the briefest of seconds, the darkest of his possessions passed through my head. That room at the end of the corridor on the third floor. I shook my head. I really had no desire to be a part of what went on in there... but for some reason...

"Edward?" He drew me from my thoughts. A memory flashed in my brain- Her naked arm thrown over her eyes while she slept. It was the first time since I got here that I didn't yearn for the drink... instead I wanted... my fingers twitched at my sides.

"I want to draw."

"Good."

-**-Bookends-**-

(five months later)

The music drifted through the east wing. It was haunting and beautiful. I followed the perfect pitch voice to his studio.

"You do this to ensure you're alone, don't you?" I mocked.

He chuckled and began pulling out his paints. "Irina loves singing for me, Edward." I glanced over at the young woman belting out the aria.

"You know, other people just buy CDs."

He laughed again.

"I know, I know. You're not other people."

"How are your studies with Signore Eleazar going?"

I shrugged. Lately I had tapped into a passion that I hadn't realized I'd missed so much. I had always thought of drawing as just an escape.

"Okay, I guess. He told me we weren't wasting time with fruit. Said that human subjects were more my thing."

Erebos smirked. "Yes, he does have quite a way of seeing straight through to a person's... talents."

I rubbed my hands together. I was planning on staying in my room all day to sketch and I needed my muscles warmed up.

"He told me he was your teacher as well." And he knew I wasn't talking about his skill of painting.

Erebos looked over at the woman singing, she didn't seem bothered at all that we weren't watching her performance. When her eyes met his she blushed, but kept singing.

"You're a vision my dearest," he purred. She stood taller at his words and didn't miss a beat.

"Is she..." I looked between the singer and the man. He raised an eyebrow in my direction.

"Yes," he confirmed. "Does it bother you?"

I considered what he was asking. On the surface he was asking did it bother me that one of his subs was singing in my presence. The answer was obviously, no. Regardless of what she did in private, she was a human being and I would treat her with that respect. But more to the point, he was asking me if his lifestyle bothered me. That one I didn't have an answer for.

"Eleazar?" I put my hands in my pockets and raised a brow in question.

He chuckled. "Oh yes, he was my mentor. My parents didn't approve. But then, I was the only son after all."

I smirked to hide my shock. Erebos was actually telling me about his life... his past. He never opened up that way.

"I've known Eleazar for quite a long time. I was married to his daughter."

My eyes bugged but I didn't make a sound. I didn't want to stop him from sharing. His back was to me and I swallowed hard at the thought of Erebos being monogamous with one woman.

He laughed, breathless and with a hint of deep sadness. "Elizabeth," he whispered.

I couldn't resist. He stopped talking and I had to know more. "Was married?"

He sighed. His entire back grew heavy. "She didn't have a stomach for the institution. I can't blame her really." He turned and winked at me. "I don't either."

Against my better judgment I laughed.

"So…?"

He chuckled. "So… she introduced me to her father, the real side of him. And he trained me." He looked off into his past for a moment. "I suppose technically we are still married. But she is now a submissive to a good friend of mine. I still see her, play with her… at parties."

My mouth hung open in shock. What the fuck did he just say? Did he seriously just tell me that he loved a woman enough to marry her and then became a Dominant to please her? I snapped my mouth closed when I saw him turn around again.

He watched me carefully for a moment—studying me like the woman singing.

"Does it bother you?" He asked once more- this time I felt like squirming under his gaze. This time, he was asking me if I wanted to know about it.

"I'm good."

He laughed, a smile brightening his face. "No doubt. How like your uncle you are dear boy. Though I do worry about you, Edward, three years almost and not a woman in sight. Please at least promise me you..." Masturbate? He was fucking alluding to me jacking off.

I rolled my eyes. "Sure… of course… All the damn time," I lied. He chuckled like a laugh track on a sitcom, turning back to his painting. The truth was I hadn't even considered wanting to do it since I got here. Hell... I barely wanted to do it at all since that first day back in Forks with her.

It belonged to her. And she didn't want it anymore. I didn't think my dick had a purpose other than pissing. Fuck. I rolled my eyes at my pathetic situation. Erebos would slap me upside my head if I said something like that out loud. It didn't really even bother me to think that I would never have sex again for the rest of my life.

Who the fuck was I kidding? It bothered me… but shit. I didn't find anything half as sexy as her. And she was off limits indefinitely. Erebos offered to have me sit and watch him fucking in his playroom. I wasn't even remotely interested in it. There had to be something wrong with that right?

"Can you… live without..." I nodded toward Irina without meeting his eyes. If he got into this lifestyle because of his wife… maybe there was a chance that he could stop if he wanted to.

"No." His voice was quiet, all the humor gone. I looked up to find his back to me while he began moving his hands across the canvas. For some reason watching him in that moment pissed me off. My hands were fists and I suddenly ached to be in my room, drawing.

"What do you sketch, Edward—when you are alone?"

"Are you sure you're not a shrink instead of a billionaire Dom?" He laughed. I closed my eyes and thought about what I would be sketching shortly. I saw what I wanted to get out of my head. Saw the exact curve of her eyebrow—the little pucker of skin as her eye opened slowly to gaze up at me. The curl of her lashes and the vibrancy of green that watched me.

"Her."

Ms. No name. Her name was a torture to me, and for months now I had survived without ever once thinking it. So she was just a pronoun now. Her. She. That girl.

No longer my girl.

My fingers twitched.

"Good."

-**-Bookends-**-

(one week later)

I read the text message before tossing the phone on my bed. Alice was on her way. I swallowed. Hard. Damn her for giving me no warning—course she knew if she warned me I would have fled town before she got here.

"Damn it."

I had had minimal contact with my family since I moved here almost three years ago. Alice emailed me on a regular basis. Jazz talked to me on the phone once a month. And Esme sent me care packages in the mail that included letters from her and Carlisle that I responded to like the dutiful son I never believed I was before.

I wouldn't say that I was alienated from my family but I just felt… detached from the world of Forks. I lived on an island for crying out loud.

I turned the water on full heat in the shower. I really had no desire to see her today. I stripped in anger, grumbling under my breath the entire time. She would bring up talk of her and I really didn't want to talk about her.

I snarled under the spray and hissed as my flesh stung from the blazing water. I could burn it all away… become someone completely different… but I could never gut her out of my system.

I dressed in a casual pair of black slacks and a button up charcoal grey shirt. I stood back from the mirror and I considered shaving. I looked past the day's worth of stubble on my chin and saw the man standing in the foggy bathroom.

It was strange. I didn't recognize him.

That just pissed me off. I threw down the razor and scratched at my chin. Fuck shaving. It was just Alice.

I came down stairs to the annoying high pitch of her laughter in the entryway. Erebos' chuckling accompanied her mirth. Fuck. I cursed the sound of their joy—it warned that I was in for something today. They were both vicious little cats when it came to "knowing" things about me.

"Fucking little pixie bitch," I mumbled under my breath.

Alice glared over her shoulder in my direction. Like she anticipated that I was cussing about her. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward, your sister is very charming." He kissed her hand and winked at me. I ignored him. It still caught me off guard sometimes when people refered to her as 'my sister'. It wasn't that I didn't think of Alice as family—she was. But the thought of my sister and my brother making out made my skin crawl.

"Alice." My voice was harsh, clipped. I shoved my hands in my pockets and focused on her hands rather than her face.

"Edward," she all but whispered. The air was thick. I heard Erebos mumble a goodbye of some sorts. I just clenched my jaw.

I didn't think it would be this hard to see someone… to have her thrust so effortlessly back into my world. No. This was just Alice. She wouldn't bring up the past. Would she?

"Can we… have you… let's go for a walk?" Alice fumbled around with small talk, landing on an action.

I nodded, mute, and still unable to really look at her.

I took her down to the gardens, this place had amazing gardens.

I fumbled through small talk. "How are things? How's Jazz?"

I heard a sigh behind me. I didn't even realize she'd stopped walking. I didn't turn to look at her.

"She's okay, Edward… she's… She's okay."

I watched the wind play along the bushes of lilac colored roses. My body was stilled by her words. "How's Jazz?" I pressed.

"Okay," Alice's voice sounded resigned. I finally looked at her. All traces of let-me-force-you-to-talk-about-the-big-white-elephant were gone. "Well… that's one of the reasons why I'm here."

Her tiny face lit up and her eyes sparkled. I opened my mouth to ask her what was going on when she held up her left hand.

Holy crap! "Holy FUCK!"

Alice laughed. "Thanks Edward, it means a lot to me that you would shower me with such support." She punched my arm and I couldn't work past the stunned look I was locked in. I grabbed her hand. That was some mother fucking ring she was wearing—classy and elegant with one giant diamond in the center.

"When did he?"

"Last month, the anniversary of the first time we..." she wiggled her eyebrows and I cleared my throat. Worse than knowing your parents had sex was knowing your baby brother did too. And with your technically adopted little sister.

"Oh." I kept staring at the ring. So many emotions and thoughts were running through me. I had wanted, badly, to slip a ring on… her finger. And here one sat on Alice's. And JAZZ! My kid brother makes this leap of proposing marriage and he doesn't even… care to call me? That stung.

How fucking detached had I become? Two worlds were swirling around me now. The one that I had found solace in—become dependent upon for survival. And the other that was… home. Two halves of myself that were yearning to match up.

Fuck.

"Edward." Alice's hand closed over mine, blocking the ring and breaking the spell.

"Congratulations Al. That's perfect… You guys are… perfect."

She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. She watched me… gauging what she had to say next. I swallowed.

"She's going to be my maid of honor," she informed me. Here came that white elephant, charging down the center of my heart.

I blanched. Good old Alice—no beating around the fucking bush with her. "Oh."

And then it made sense. Jazz didn't tell me about the wedding because he didn't want to not invite me. Fuck.

"When?" I tried to keep talking to dull out the pain—my chest was constricting.

"He wants you to be his best man, Edward, but… She's doing so much better." Alice's voice cracked and I turned back towards the bushes.

Of course she was doing so much better. I wasn't in her life—fucking it up around every turn.

"Don't worry about it Al. He knows I love him… you. It's probably best I stay here anyway… gotta… I'm studying... Art."

I could hear her draw in an unsteady breath. Shit. She was crying.

"Don't worry about it Alice." I felt tiny arms wrap around my waist from behind. I sighed.

"You two are gonna end up together someday Edward. I know you are."

I clenched my jaw hard enough to crack my teeth. I patted her hands in a show of comfort—in reality I just wanted to run. Be done with this show. I wanted Alice to leave and go off and marry Jazz. For their wedding to be happy and the entire family they loved to be around them.

Except me.

I wasn't in that family anymore. Being Edward Cullen wasn't an option. Here I was just Edward and right now I needed to stay just Edward.

"So," I turned and masked my pain under a smirk that would make Erebos proud. "How long are you staying?"

She slouched forward and frowned at me—like she knew I was going to play this part and she was pissed that I was proving her right.

"A week? Unless you want to kick me out sooner."

A week. Fuck. I smiled wider. "Great."

-**-Bookends-**-

One week. Seven fucking days. After the first hour she was here I wanted to ship Alice off and never see her again. Around day three my façade was starting to crack. This morning, Friday, as I drove her to the airport I was fucking on edge and ready to blow.

What the fuck was happening to me?

I sat in his study every night, playing chess just like we always did. He pushed his mind-fuck and I accepted the challenge. There was something so efficient in the way Erebos thought. He brought everything down to the moment. Never let me get caught up in later and especially made me stop living in what had already come to pass.

But unlike the years I had spent learning from these sessions, this past week I found myself more frustrated and confused as I climbed the stairs to my room.

I couldn't draw her form anymore. Just the angry swirls of colors and images that had haunted my mind as a child.

Gone was the inspiration of her flesh and renewed was the torment that I had shared only with her as a child.

Her.

Her.

Her.

I was fucking ready to beat my head in against the shower wall.

Alice did nothing intentional to drive me to this instant madness either. She was a pleasant companion to Erebos and she adored the trips to the local villages. She even sat in on some lessons with Eleazar. Alice knew her shit when it came to art.

Maybe that confused me? Maybe Alice showing a talent in something that was so private to me seemed threatening.

I snarled as I made the sharp left that led to the bridge back home. I should've been enjoying the ride. This car was a fucking Aston Martin Vanquish for crying out loud. I always enjoyed driving it.

But at the moment I cursed its existence. Everything around me was pissing me off.

I slammed the car to stop right outside the front entrance to the keep. Demetri was waiting for me in the now darkness of early evening, shaking his head.

"You are going to kill the tires if you keep doing that," he scolded. I just shrugged and couldn't keep the rumbling growl out of my throat as I threw the keys at him.

I didn't give a flying fuck about the fucking tires. I stormed up to my room—fucking stormed like I was Rhett fucking Butler or some shit.

Everything was a red haze. And no matter what I did his fucking voice was in my head.

Think, Edward. What does it mean?

I screamed with a rage I didn't realize I was holding in. I didn't fucking no what it meant.

I kicked off my designer shoes—fucking things cost more than the house I grew up in. I know. I bought that fucking house when my deadbeat mother fucking abandoned it like she did me. I picked up the shoes and carried them into the bathroom. I launched them at the mirror. I was tired of looking at the fucker staring back at me. He showed up the morning Alice arrived and he didn't get on the plane with her.

"Look at your eyes, Edward," she'd told me on Monday afternoon. She watched me with her wide blue eyes. She didn't seem happy about what she saw. "I hardly even recognize you."

Was that such a bad fucking thing? I stumbled back to my bedroom and looked around. My room. Mine. What the fuck in this room was mine?

My scarlet vision told me turning over the dresser that was probably older than my country's constitution was a good idea. Fuck yes. It felt so fucking good to destroy it.

What does this mean, Edward? What is this violence accomplishing?

I laughed. Then I snarled. Nothing. It didn't mean a god damn thing.

Wrong. Emotions are not born in a vacuum. They are cultivated. They are connections to memories. What is it in your memory that is forcing this emotional breakdown?

"FUCK!" I yelled.

I ran from the room—compelled to think only of darkness. What was the darkest place in this world I forced myself into now?

I could only think of one room. The one on the third floor at the end of the hall.

I didn't pause when I hit the door. I just burst in and found him… occupied. My eyes saw the scene no differently than I had before. I didn't hunger to be here. But something about here… was fueling this rage.

"Knocking is preferable, Edward." Was he teasing me? That mother fucker was standing half naked next to a padded table with a woman spread eagled and tied down in front of him. And he was fucking teasing me for not knocking? He was seriously fucked in the head.

"Do you wish to watch?" I felt my guts squeeze and I nearly vomited then and there. No.

I couldn't even look at the naked woman. My legs, so filled with determination a minute ago, were jell-o and I fell to my knees turning to leave. I crawled to the nearest room. Thanked the fucking fates above that it was unlocked and I threw my body against the door once inside.

My heart was slamming in my chest. I was panting and every muscle in my body was tense.

I wasn't even remotely interested in the scene I had just escaped but … I couldn't reconcile the fucking stiffness in my pants.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

I slammed my head against the door. I was a punk ass kid, high and fucking flying as his girlfriend teased his body to want to be inside hers. Slam. I was an asshole teenager who thought he knew everything and tortured himself by touching the sweetest fucking pussy in the world with only his fingers when he really wanted to just drive his cock so hard and deep in her that she would scream. Slam. I thought I became a man the second she slid down on me… truth is I slid back to being a kid. Too fucking scared to ever be able to do it myself.

Totally fucked.

SLAM. SLAM. SLAM.

Why! Why was I thinking about her? Why was I so fucking hard that I felt like I would come without trying.

What did Alice do to change me?

"She's doing so much better."

FUCK HER!

I pulled myself to my feet, groaning at the movement and the sparks sent straight to my groin from it. I tried to cross the room, get to the balcony and just let the cool night air calm me.

I made it as far as the wall beside the double doors.

FUCK HER!

How dare she fucking do better! How dare she not fall to miserable fucking pieces without me!

Every single night that her little ass was pressed up against my needy cock was suddenly in my mind. All I ever wanted was to love her—make love to her.

FUCK HER!

I unzipped my pants. Pulled up a thought of her in my mind. That day in the tree house. She was so fucking strong, filled with a grace and maybe even a purpose that took my breath away. That's what I wanted to return home to.

But that girl was gone. When I got back… I found her in the tree house.

I clenched my jaw, the muscles in my neck straining. I slammed my body back against the wall. So fucking much for true love. So fucking much for happy endings.

I fisted my hands around my straining erection and pumped. Her face in my mind smiled down at me. Fuck yes. I could do this. I could possess her the way she possessed me.

My hands took on a life of their own. My mind was lost to the dream of her. Why couldn't I ever be allowed to do this… with her?

I hissed and slammed my body harder against the wall as I started to thrust and let myself feel… everything. I felt the blood pushing through my body. Felt the scratch of my button up cotton shirt. Felt the hard of the wall brace the soft of my back.

Fuck.

How long had it been since I felt anything?

It was over too quickly. I growled as the orgasm seized me. Everything for a moment was as perfect and clear as it had been six years ago. Her face still smiled down on me and I shuddered from the release.

Then I opened my eyes and found myself in a dark room. Alone. I slid down to the floor.

I crumpled in on myself—grabbing handfuls of my hair and tugging as tears started streaming down my face.

I heard him come in. I didn't give a fuck enough to zip up and cover myself. Erebos had seen far worse than my naked cock.

I didn't move. I just… fell apart. Useless. Worthless. Pathetic.

He sat in the darkness with me for who knows how long. Never speaking. Probably watching me. Just like Jazz used to do on those nights when I let the fucking shit that Tanya inflicted on us get to me.

When he did speak, it was nothing but a whisper. "It's time for you to go home Edward."

My body started to shake. Where the fuck was that? The home that my mother deserted? That was haunted by the memories of a failed life that I still desperately wanted with a girl who was doing better without me. The home of an Uncle that would forever remind me that I could never be as complete and content as he was in his marriage? Or perhaps the little house perched on a tree where I unknowingly destroyed the purest creature in my world?

Where the fuck did I belong?

He watched me as if he heard this inner storm that was crippling me.

"You no longer need anyone to tell what to do Edward. You have the control now."

I lashed out with a cry of irritation. "Stop with the fucking riddles! I don't need that bullshit today."

He smiled, it was far from happy. "Edward, I became a Dom because there is a part of my nature that must control every situation I am in. I discuss the world with you in the manner that I chose because I dominate the lesson that way. And I know that from the second you realized the truth of my world with your eyes you have been plagued by the image in your mind."

I glared at him. Not speaking.

He nodded. "You have no desire to join this world. I know you don't. Though for a while I did wonder if you were destined to be a submissive with your views of Isabella." I hissed at the sound of her name. "No. You are not intrigued by my sexual activities. You are drawn to the promise that is my self-realization."

I laughed. "Arrogant much?"

"Yes. That's what pisses you off."

"Arrogant fucking idiots do tend to not make friends."

"Nor do whiny pussies."

I growled at that last statement. I didn't have a comeback for it. In fact… I felt some sort of sick satisfaction of finally having someone call me it to my face.

"You're not a pussy, Edward. You proved today that you are made of something entirely different. You just lack… a proper ignition to finding that control in your life."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Speaking common fucking English."

"Carlisle sent you here so that you could learn what he learned during his time with me. To be a man. And today… you started on that path. But your destiny, unfortunately, is woven with that girl's. And until you can be the proper piece in the puzzle with her, you will never fit. She needs a man. Not someone who is afraid to hurt her feelings… too afraid she'll leave him like his mother did."

I fisted my hands. I couldn't argue with that fact. My biggest fucking fear had always been her walking out my door. Way to fucking go Cullen. She didn't walk… she ran.

"So what do I do? She doesn't want me anymore."

"I think the issue for the two of you is that neither of you want yourselves. Don't live your life for her, Edward. Live your life for you. When she is ready… she will join you. And then you can live your lives for each other as a unit."

I gaped at the man. "Three fucking years of my life… You could have told me this… that first night. Or when you gave me the booze. What the fuck!"

"No. I did tell you it. I told you to prioritize your life. Tell me what you wanted. You only wanted to exist in her denial. You never considered finding a way to survive on your own… only a way to survive without her. You had to be taught. Trained… Had to become that kid you were in Seattle."

"What the hell does Seattle have to do with this?"

"Carlisle used to tell me about his nephews. The younger one who was shy and timid- and the older one who didn't give a shit about what anyone thought. You raised your brother, Edward. You survived your parents and the homes and the responsibilities of your youth. She changed that."

That voice that had clouded my vision with its lust for release was still whispering- Fuck her. But I was drained of that venom now.

"I took care of her… I helped her." It was a plea rather than a fact. I knew better than to believe that two broken kids could ever really help each other. Erebos was right. We should have worked on fixing ourselves before trying to force us to fix each other.

"Edward, I am not your therapist. I am simply someone who has come to realize who he is and what he wants out of life. I think you are well on your way to becoming that kind of man too."

I looked down at my hands- bent in claw-like ferocity.

"Feels like I just slipped backwards to me."

He laughed. He did that far too much. "No. You got angry... when was the last time you felt something and allowed yourself to just feel it, Edward?" I kept my eyes down as he cut straight through to my exact thoughts before he entered the room.

"That's all I ever wanted to teach you, son. Life is happiness and hope but it also passion and pain and hell. Everyone is meant to hurt at some point in their life, lest we ever lose sight of the opposite of death."

"Back to your riddles again?"

He sighed. "You don't get to hide anymore, Edward- that I am sorry for. But I trust that you will rise above the fear." He patted my arm and left me alone with my thoughts.

I was empty. It felt pointless to wallow in the pain that I had let consume me for so long. Erebos was right. When I was I kid the shit of my life bothered me but... that was just life. I got up every morning and lived it.

The room was washed in amber when I finally decided to move. The bedroom that had belonged to me for the past three years was spotless when I entered it. The house staff was amazing around here. The bathroom even sported a brand new mirror.

I glanced at the asshole in the reflection briefly before I got into the shower. It was still the same stranger but this time I understood- the stranger was just me. The lie had been Edward.

I won't lie. It might have been disgusting but that little episode upstairs last night was...nice. It had been to long. Way to fucking long since I was able to get off.

I leaned against the wall and let the sensations fill me again.

"Fuck," I breathed as I felt myself give over to feeling.

-**-Bookends-**-

Two days later I was standing in the entry way sorting through the handful of boxes I would be taking back to the states with me.

Erebos stood by the door holding a large, gray envelope. He seemed happy to see me off, but his body language told me otherwise. I suppressed the smirk at the fact that Mr. Recluse I only need my scores of subs who come and go at my biding and no one else had found a friend after all.

"I have a friend who lives in Boston, Katherine Denali. I'll give her your number. I'll have her call you as soon as you arrive in New York." He'd been saying shit like that for last twenty four hours. Like some protective father who was terrified to let his kid go off to college or some shit.

I slipped and let my crooked smile peek out. "Okay," I murmured.

The room was filled with all these unspoken epiphanies and unknown doubts as I stood back to say goodbye. I didn't even know what to say really. Erebos was never someone I went looking for. What he did for me… I didn't think I could ever really put into words or fully explain to someone. But… I was sad to see this moment of my life end.

"Well," I held out my hand to shake his, my voice thick with emotion. "Thank you." To the point, just like he liked it.

He shook my hand, a pride in his eyes a previous me would have not understood, or maybe might have felt guilty about. Gotta learn to love me. Respect me. He taught me that.

"This is for you." He handed me the envelope and I scowled at him.

"What is it?"

He sighed. "Don't waste time with asking questions, Edward. Open it and find out for yourself."

I laughed. Fucking laughed. Me. I shook my head at the sensation. It was still a little foreign to me.

The smile was wiped off of my face the second the contents of the package fell into my hand.

First off, there were keys. I knew those keys. I used them a lot. "The Vanquish," I mouthed in utter reverence. My head couldn't quite wrap around it. He was giving me his car that cost a quarter of a million dollars?

Un fucking real.

"I hear it needs new tires," he hissed sarcastically. I attempted a weak, breathless laugh. Where was Mr. Confident Cullen now?

"The car is your birthday present. And don't fight me on this dear boy. Your uncle still enjoys his."

I managed a brow raise for question as words were still not within my control.

"The jet."

I felt like the room was spinning. I always wondered where Carlisle got the money for the jet… and school. He had asked Ed for money a time or two but he paid every cent back after the accident. And then Ed spent every cent and more on whiskey.

"The rest," he pointed to the smaller envelope that I was now looking at. It was the size of a check. Shit. What was the crazy bastard giving me now? "This is just the means for you to become the man I know you are, Edward."

I wanted to roll my eyes at the cheesy fucking words. I slipped the check out, my mouth falling to the floor. The zeros in my hand were making my heart stammer. What the fuck? "One million dollars?"

I counted them again. Yep. There they were- eight zeros. Fuck.

I was a mother fucking millionaire. I landed on my butt before I realized I had fallen. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"I can't accept this."

"Edward, I don't care what you do with it. But you earned it."

I looked up at him, I felt like that little loss boy who used to plead with his mother every night to not piss off his father. I admit I was a little bit lost by the overwhelming generosity.

"Why… how… What?"

He snickered. "You put up with my bullshit."

I laughed weakly.

"I believe you'll use this money to build a good future. I wouldn't give it to you if I didn't."

He slapped my shoulder and walked back up the stairs to one of his many vices. I watched him leave with a slack-jawed awe. That son of a bitch was so fucking cool.

I folded the check with respect and slid into my breast pocket. Demetri and Felix helped me load the car. And I made a promise as I pulled out of the drive in … my Aston Martin, that I would do just that.

Build a good future. I pressed down on the gas and sped off to it.