Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 30: All that's left of you pt. 3

-**-Bookends-**-

"She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will"

(Push, Rob Thomas)

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (Forks one week before Alice and Jazz's wedding)

I stood back from the mirror and frowned at the reflection. Twenty years was not sitting well on me. I looked at least thirty. I had no one to blame but myself for it though. I was the one who insisted on living in agony.

Pain has a way of aging you. Try saying that without sounding self loathing this time, Bella, Alec's voice taunted in my mind.

"What do you think of the color?"

Alice was biting her lip with her eyebrow raised and intense frustration in her eyes. It was almost comical. I wanted to giggle when she whimpered while holding up two color swatches.

I held my tongue though, knowing how much trepidation she had in this. She hadn't even attempted fashion for nearly five years. Having her first step back be her wedding party outfits was asking for more anxiety than she needed at the moment.

Alice was all about distraction all of the time anymore.

Well. Since I came back into her life, that is.

The wedding was only a few days away and this was now the fourth design she was trying on me. She simply could not be content with anything. But she wasn't throwing tantrums like some pint sized Bride-zilla either.

Distraction.

"Why don't you just put me in the same dress Rose and Mom are wearing?"

"Bella…" she whined. "You are the maid of honor, you require something…more Bella… and… the dress they're wearing won't hang right on you. They're both taller than you are. I swear. You'd think you could have received a little of Esme's height—Emmett did. You're built more like…" She shook her head and tried to hide her slip behind a glare but I could see the apology in her eyes.

"Charlie." The name hung in the air like a lead weight.

Charlie—the guy who sent formal letters to both my brother and me to inform us that our grandmother had passed away. Yep, letters, on his business letterhead no less. No invitation to the funeral either. Not that either of us would have gone. But it was made clear that Granny Dearest didn't want us there, and we were notified that the family inheritance would not be sent to the Forks branch of the Swan tree. I didn't really care. I never lived my life for Aroa's trust fund.

It would be nice to have the money to get published though. Alec had mentioned several times that maybe I should seek my father's help in getting money to get my book published. I saw it as a set up for more pain. He saw it as an opportunity for me to ask for a relationship with Charlie on terms that Charlie could understand. When the letter came a few months ago about Aroa's death Alec shut up with the 'go talk to daddy' crap.

Alice cleared her throat. "Well… do you think the paler blue is okay or should we go back to the navy?"

I smoothed my hands down the bodice of the classically cut dress. It was very pretty. Even if she had been out of practice, Alice was still an artist with clothing. I liked the icy blue tone of the fabric that was highlighted by the shimmering tulle in the skirt.

"Looks great, Alice." I gave a dorky thumbs-up in the mirror to her and she giggled. Then her eyes got all misty.

Crap. Maid of honor job number one: keep the bride from crying every second of the day.

I hopped off the small stool I was standing on, wincing as the pins stabbed me around my hips, and grabbed the pack of tissues from my bag.

"Breathe Al, breathe."

She hiccupped a little and blew her nose in that dainty way that only Alice could. "I'm so sorry Bella," she croaked. "It's just… I've dreamt of this day for so long, you know? We used to stand here and pretend back in the day, remember?"

I put my arm around her and rested my head on her shoulder. "I remember. Back then you were going to marry John Cusack and I was going to..."

My phone started ringing from the chair- Lady Gaga, Bad Romance. I rolled my eyes as Alice groaned. Mike.

'"That dude's relentless," she grumbled so low I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear it.

"Hey Mike," I answered.

"Hey B," no matter how many times he called me that I would never like it. "Are we still on for a movie tonight? That one about the good cop gone bad that you wanted to watch just came out."

I tried my damnedest to not laugh out loud at the thought of Mike sitting through another action movie. He lost his lunch and had to go home early during the last one.

Worst first date ever.

Date? That voice inside of me snarled at the word.

"How 'bout we watch that chick flick one instead?" I offered. He sounded relieved at the mention of not having to see people get shot for two hours straight. I told him I'd be another hour of so and I'd meet him at the diner for a quick bite before heading out to Port Angeles.

Alice glared and harrumphed the entire time I spoke to him.

I stuck my tongue out at her as I snapped my phone closed. She sighed.

"Be nice."

"I don't like you hanging out with him. You... you almost seemed to enjoy it."

I laughed at the apprehension in her stare. "Gosh Al, call the cops! Bella enjoys something." I laughed again to hide the fact that I didn't like that I might be enjoying it either. Mike was a nice guy and all... but he was annoying too. It did feel a little out of character for me to like doing something for once though. But could she really fault me for that? It had been so long since I enjoyed anything.

"I'm holding out hope."

I glared at her, but said nothing as she unzipped my dress. I'd given up on that hope a long time ago. I had to make my own about new things.

"Bella...How are your sessions with Alec going?" Thank you Miss Curveball Cullen.

I sighed. "Fine," I shrugged my now relatively bare shoulders.

"Bella..."

"What do you want to know Alice? I asked him the other day if he thought Edward would ever forgive me. He said there was nothing to forgive- Quack." I flapped my arms like I was a duck.

I flinched at the sound of the thwack as Alice snapped my bra strap. "OUCH! What the hell, Al?"

She danced out of my reach as I swung to swat her. "He's not a duck, you're just afraid to not have something to feel guilty about. And maybe he wants to make sure you don't just settle for something less than…"

I bit my lip as I watched her. Alice's eyes danced around the room. "Don't seal your fate so quickly… maybe… things can change."

I sighed silently and started counting to twenty in my head. Would there ever be a day when Alice didn't talk about Edward? So today we were on the Mike is not a reasonable Edward stand-in. I knew that. But he was someone who made me feel comfortable. He was someone who didn't know a damn thing about the last seven years of my life and he didn't pry to know.

He was safe.

I got to twenty and figured Alice was extra sensitive on the Edward topic because with the wedding so close…Shit, she still wanted to invite him.

"I told you to stay out of that Alice. Edward and my relationship is our problem to sort out… And I told you it was your wedding so you should invite whoever you want."

She scowled. "You know damn well I'd never put either of you through that on a day like my wedding. I was just saying that maybe you could..." she shrugged her shoulders.

I laughed out loud at the thought. Not a funny laugh, but a pathetic, Edward is so much better off without me kind of sound that tore from my chest and shook my bones with its truth.

"What? Call him? Tell him, 'oh by the way Edward, I've been lying to you for seven years. And I'd really like that to just be water under the bridge.' I don't think so Al. He's doing better on his own in Italy. I've no doubt about that."

Alice's eyes grew wide with guilt and she busied herself putting the dress away.

"What?"

"Do you think lilac roses or lilies for the bouquets?"

"Alice..."

"I think lilies. The blue will clash with the purple I fear."

"Alice!"

She sighed and turned to face me. "He's not doing better, Bella... he's ... he's holding on," she whispered the last and her eyes were sad- like she had seen some dark sadness surrounding Edward. This was more than just one of her "visions" about him.

I knew Alice still spoke to Edward, knew that she sent him emails all of the time. She never offered any info on what was going on in his life. But then, I never really asked either. This wasn't just some feeling she had from a bad email, this was different...it was like she... like she had seen him recently.

I gasped. "You didn't go to New York last week did you?"

"No." she hung her head. "I visited him. I wanted... you have no idea what this is doing to Jazz. He misses his brother. He wants him standing next to him next week."

That was a low blow. Why bring up Jazz? To remind me that I was hurting both of them with my existence?

I could see Alec's face in my head. Isabella, you are not responsible for everyone around you. Don't push yourself past your tolerance level to make others feel better. It's not your fault.

I took a deep breath. That last bit about fault would be Alec's hardest lesson to finally get through to me. I doubted it would ever work. I still felt consumed by guilt when I spoke, but I hid it behind my usual defensiveness.

"So why didn't you invite him?" I was surprised how casual my voice sounded. It seemed like I was completely at ease with the possibility the he would show up next week.

"You're not mad at me for seeing him?"

I thought about it. "No. I mean... I'm mad at the situation, that I can't see him. And I don't love that you went against my expressed warning for you to stay out of it... but... I don't know. I like knowing he had someone there in person. I have you guys all around me everyday. Edward's... he's alone out there. It's nice to know he at least had you around for a little bit."

I glanced out the window. Bright and sunny as far as the eye could see. Such unusual weather for Forks. I remembered how the copper highlights in Edward's hair would blaze in the light while we spent time together on rare sunny days like this.

"How did he look?" I whispered. I knew better than to go down this road. There was no hope for Edward and me- it was risking a relapse in self abuse to entertain this insatiable desire I had when it came to his life.

"Pissed that I was there."

I laughed. I could see that snarl that Edward used to get on his face when we were younger. When Alice would shove her way between he and I and our private time together.

Those were happier times.

"So... what else?" Stupid, Bella, this was stupid. The guilt dissipated and a less troubled me wanted to hear about the most important person in her life. What he was doing. Who he was spending his time with. It wasn't fair to him that I would pry... but I imagined that Alice told him everything about my life.

Oh crap. My life. Mike. Crap.

"You didn't tell him about Mike did you?"

Alice made a face like I was trying to feed her liver and onions. "What's there to tell? Mike Newton has his head even further up Bella's ass lately?"

I glared at her.

She laughed. "Really Bella? Are you insinuating that there is a relationship there? That you're actually... dating Mike?" Her face scrunched like she had just swallowed that plate of liver and onions that I had served her verbally a moment ago.

I wanted to laugh at first. I was in a relationship with Mike. No, it wasn't the kind of relationship that my family had with their significant others. I would only ever belong to Edward. I couldn't even let Mike kiss me on anything but my cheek.

But... he was here.

Selfish cow! Bitchy Bella in my mind screamed. That bitch had a way of always being right on one level. But on so many levels I kept Mike around to send a message.

Edward is free. As long as everyone believes I've moved on, then they can assure Edward that he needs to too. Alice just said it herself- he's holding on.

Well Mike was the white flag of surrender. Let me go, Edward, and live a normal happy life. I'm done draining all of your soul from yours, and Mike is my safe zone that makes it possible for me to only drain myself when I'm with him.

Let me go and move on, Edward. I just want you happy.

Forever.

I silently started packing all of my stuff up.

"I'm sorry Bella. Really," she grabbed my hand and pulled my focus to her face. "I just want you to be happy. And you may be doing better but... I don't see you happy when you're with him."

She never got it. She never would. Even though Alice knew about the… loss… even though she knew what I went through that summer after having sex with Edward, she still believed there was a chance I could be happy. I wanted to laugh.

Then I wanted to cry.

"No, Alice. You just don't see."

I walked out of the room and down the stairs. Jazz was sitting in the dinning room, reading the morning paper. Alice had told him to go do something today while we finished the fitting. Typical Jazz, he didn't have anything he wanted to do without Alice.

"Hey Bella," he looked up as I reached the door. I couldn't hide my sulk from him. Jazz brought my emotions to the surface without even trying.

I nodded.

He looked down at the paper suddenly and the guilt in his eyes made me forget the less troubled me that had briefly wanted to just be a kid again.

"Invite him, Jazz. I don't want to be there if not having Edward there will cause you pain."

Jazz glared at the paper in front of him and drew in a sharp breath. He sat there thinking for a little while. Long enough for me to shift uncomfortably by the door.

"It would hurt not to have you here too, Bella. I think right now, the best thing for us to do is to give Edward the space he needs. I can't rush either of you into this."

I nodded, though he never looked up at me to see it.

My heart was heavy. I really couldn't discuss him any longer today. I had spoken about Edward more today than I had in weeks with Alec. It brought the guilt up to the surface of my skin to think about him this much.

To know he's still hurting over me.

To know that I am still hurting everyone around me because of what I do to him.

I left the house with a soft click of the front door closing.

I had so much more to add to the story now. A sequel of pain for my two characters- Mason and Bea.

I sighed when I got into the Volvo. The stupid, not quite as shiny was it once was, silver Volvo. The tears were flowing as I turned the key.

Happiness wasn't something I could ever be again.

-**-Bookends-**-

JPOV (wedding day)

Emmett sat adjusting the camera on the laptop while I finished looping my bowtie.

"Fucking monkey suit," I grumbled. I loved my baby and all but jeans and a drive-thru chapel would have been fine with me.

"Can you see anything on your end, Edward?" Em prompted.

"Just your neck...geez Em what do you do work out in your sleep?"

Em snorted and stepped back so I could finally see my best man. "How you doing kid?"

It didn't matter what the name of the woman who gave birth to me was, nor did it matter how many years and miles there were between us. That was my big brother. Edward was the person who had raised me, shouldered my pain and loved me unconditionally. I started getting a little teary seeing his crooked smirk on the laptop screen.

I had missed him more than he would ever know.

"A tad over dressed much?" he joked.

Emmett stood primping his perfect curls on the other side of the room. "Some of us like to look nice, Cullen."

I laughed. "What are you wearing that compares?" I offered the Jazz version of the Cullen smirk to Edward's shaking head.

He looked down at himself. "Boxers and a wife beater. I frankly find myself very charming in it too."

"That's the thing of it, Edward, you dress like that and you only charm yourself," Em finished fixing his tie as he laughed at my brother's glare. "And apparently you've managed to charm the pants off of yourself at that."

"Who says I'm the one who did the pants removing?"

Em froze. Even I took a minute to collect my instant need to defend. Edward was joking, I knew he had to be joking, but none of us found the idea of him with someone other than Bella to be a laughing matter. Em still thought all of Bella's depression for the entire two years that Edward lived in Italy was due to finding Edward lip locked with Newton's cousin Jane.

"That's enough of that," I offered with a nervous laugh.

Em's jaw clenched and I was thankful Edward wasn't here in person. I glared at the computer screen.

"Too soon?" he mouthed.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "How are you big brother?"

"Doing damn good for once little brother."

His smiled made me smile in spite of the moment we had just been having.

"And why is that?"

He laughed. "Money. It makes the world go round, Jazz. Don't we know it?"

I started to agree but Em's growl stopped me. "Fucking typical… he gets money and my baby sister is trying to find ways to hit up that asshole for cash…" he was mumbling to himself in the corner but I was sure even Edward could hear him.

"What's he talking about?" Edward's eyes narrowed at the word sister.

I swallowed. What was he talking about…oh just the book that Bella wrote that was mostly drawn from her experiences and musings that she recorded to help her through her post traumatic stress disorder. The disorder that I can't tell you about because she swore me to secrecy the night she lost your child. The book that is proof that I've been lying to you for more years than I really want to think about. Sorry about that by the way…

Did Hallmark make a card that said all that? I needed to find one and send it to my brother.

"Bella….wrote book."

I almost wanted to laugh at how his eyes brightened at the mention of her name. He seemed…. Excited to hear news of her. That was weird. Al had said he was enraged at the very mention of her—of her doing better without him especially.

I rolled my eyes. What game was my soon to be wife playing now?

"Really? Damn….that's great, Jazz."

There was a loud banging on the door. If he wasn't standing in the room with me, I would have thought Em was the one doing the beating.

"You have ten minutes to get out there before I make my entrance!"

I had to laugh, that was my Alice- tiny but commanding.

"You head up there Em, I'm gonna say goodbye to Edward and then I'll follow."

Em nodded to me and glared at Edward. That would be a tough relationship to rebuild—or build at all I supposed. Em had never really like Edward.

I turned back to my brother, expecting that his mood would match my melancholy. I wanted him to stand beside me today. Be my best man at my wedding the way he had always been in my life.

Instead I found him deep in thought… and smiling.

"Book… she really did it. She… did what I told her to do." He smiled and looked up at me.

For the first time in I didn't know how many years, I saw my brother. Not just Edward. I saw the kid who used to tell me bedtime stories and walk me home from school.

"What?"

"She…when we were living together, I told her she should write a book. I guess she… fuck." He sat back in his chair, stunned and grinning.

"Wait… what was that about her needing money?"

I groaned inwardly. "Nothing," I lied. He didn't need to involve himself in her life. Bella would fillet me in a second if she even knew he knew she was writing the book.

"Jazz!" Bella's voice called from the hall.

"Fuck…" Edward's voice told me the melancholy had finally reached him at hearing her speak.

"Love you bro, wish you were here."

"Ya, me too squirt. Take good care of her."

I bit my lip and nodded. I knew he meant more than just Alice. It was that promise he made me make before he was sent back to Tanya. That as long as I was around Bella when he couldn't be, he trusted me to take care of her.

That I could do.

Edward looked at me like a proud papa. I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to cry.

We both cleared our throats and I straightened my sleeves. "Well?"

He smirked and winked and logged off the computer. I watched my reflection in the blank screen for a second longer. The world was so fucked up in so many ways. But right now, there was hope all around me. I even saw it in Edward's face just now.

I smiled, and turned to face my destiny.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (2 years later)

I sat back from the typewriter. Accomplished. Happy.

No, not happy. But satisfied with what I created. I ran my fingers over the name in the exact center of the page- Mason. Yes it was a first name and not a last name and yes it had an 'o' in place of an 'e', but it was him.

Four years. Forty eight months since that day we parted in Seattle. And I still felt that sting in my chest at the thought of him.

I sighed and glared at the picture of a cat I had pinned on my board. I was never good with having pets. But I heard it was good to have one so that you didn't feel alone.

I had pictures of pets. I felt loved enough with those.

"Well 2-D…I did it." The picture didn't respond. That was good. There a moment last week when I was frantically finishing a chapter at three a.m. when I seriously thought he purred.

I laughed and made my way to the kitchen.

I pulled down the box of Pop Tarts, slid two into the toaster and tapped my fingers on the counter while I waited for them to pop. I felt… anxious.

I had been writing that story for nearly three years. Now that I wrote 'the end' on the last page, I… didn't know what to do with myself.

I busied myself straightening the magnets on the fridge. The biggest one I left alone. It held the letter from the publishing house. I still couldn't believe I was actually going to be published.

I ran my finger over the line that meant the most to me, "An anonymous contribution was made in your name as start up capital for your book."

Who? It had bugged me for a long time. I received the letter only a few days after Jazz and Alice got home from their honeymoon. I tried to think of everyone who might have done it. Carlisle? Alec? I even thought that maybe Mike was working extra jobs and not telling me about it just so he could send in the start up fees.

And then suddenly I came to a conclusion that Jazz often told me to just stop believing.

Edward.

He must have sent the money to the publishers. I had heard he was back in the states—well I hadn't heard I had found out. He owned a rather successful gallery in New York. One where he displayed his own work. He made the news- a lot.

I knew it was wrong of me to go looking for him, but I couldn't help it if he found his way back to me.

Could I?

Don't delude yourself Bella, Alec warned. You've faced this. You've talked about the baby, and you are coming out of you shell. But I don't want you to trade one dream world for another.

I rolled my eyes. True. I had faced what happened. I had even had a makeshift funeral for my baby. Said goodbye to… him, or her.

I scanned the fridge and noticed the note from Mike, trip to Port Angeles on May 8th, to see your Dad. I rolled my eyes. I was working on picturing a future with Mike. Alec warned that if I didn't at least try to foster some sort of relationship with my father that I would never be able to build one with a partner. I needed to at least try to present myself and Mike as a couple to the man. If for no end but to prove to myself that we were a couple.

A couple. With Mike Newton.

I poured myself glass of water and drank it slowly. I had to say when I thought things like that, I didn't have to worry I had fooled myself into some dream world.

Reality was very much the place I existed in.

But the temptation to believe Edward was the benefactor. That he was still looking out for me…

My phone rang just as I bit down on the freshly toasted tart. It was too hot and I was practically in tears as I answered.

"Bella," Alice could never sound anything but annoyed with me anymore. The number one reason Jazz reminded me to let go of the idea that Edward had helped me was because his wife loved the idea that it might have been Edward that helped me.

And she was pissed that I never tried to contact him to thank him.

"Yeth?" My tongue was burned. I swallowed a glass of cold water to help stop the sting.

"Lunch, today, at that little Italian place. What do you think?"

"I thought Jazz hates that place?"

"He won't be coming. He's finishing the renovations on the clinic and doesn't really want to… come along today. I have a surprise!"

I was worried at the hint of glee in Alice's voice. A surprise? She had something up her sleeve.

"Okay, noon?"

"Sounds good."

I stared at the phone after she hung up. I glanced at my "pet". "Well 2-D, looks like my stories far from over."

-**-Bookends-**-

"Bella," she said after the waiter left us our drinks and went to place our orders. I raised my eyebrows in anticipation of what her big surprise was. Alice had an infectious way with her moods. I couldn't help but feel a little excited once I saw her in person.

"Here," she handed me a small black bag. It had black tissue paper lining the inside of it and nestled inside that was a smaller black velvet bag.

"Alice?" I pulled the bag out in confusion.

"Open it under the table," she stage whispered. I glared at her. I could feel a small device inside the little black bag and I was beginning to understand my last conversation with Alec much more.

You need to release, Bella. Take that last bit of control and... release.

"What the hell am I going to find in this?"

She smirked- then she giggled. "Just open it." was all she would say.

I pulled the drawstrings apart with great trepidation. Wrapped in the walls of black velvet was a tiny silver egg and what looked to be a remote control.

Fuck.

"Alice," I whined.

She clapped her hands and laughed. "You know what it is. Good! I was worried I would need to draw you a diagram." She winked as my face started to flame.

I shoved the bag into my purse and fumed. Well, most of me fumed. There was a part of me, one that was suddenly taking advantage of my new outlook on life, that was very interested to skip lunch and go home and play with my new toy.

I shook my head. "I can't believe you... I can't believe him!" I tried to keep my voice down but I couldn't help but yell at her.

"Nose down, Bella. He knows what he's doing and he knows that Alec is probably at the stage of telling you to…explore. And he knew it would be more... appropriate if I gave it to you. Besides I was just excited to get to finally buy one. I've never needed one." She winked and my cheeks were flaming again all the more for imagining Alice and Jazz going at it.

Again there were two sides of my mind and I was almost relieved to feel the negative one falling to the background. The other side was telling me it was okay to think that way. That sex was okay. Something I should want. Something it was okay to imagine people doing.

"Bella?" Alice asked from across the table. I realized I was enjoying the fantasy a little too much. I drew my lip between my teeth and wound my napkin around my fingers.

"But Alice... I dunno. What I am... How am I..."

She stared at me for a minute before her enjoyment got the better of her. "Oh Bella, you're such a virgin! Put on some music and just see what happens."

I gapped at her. "Fuck, Alice." We were hardly the chicks from Sex in the City. She only had experience with Jazz and I only had really bad memories of all the wrong things Edward and I used to do with each other's bodies.

Not wrong things, Bella. You just weren't old enough to deal with it. You never hurt each other physically.

I nodded to Alec's invisible voice.

Still Alice and I were hardly experienced girls when it came to stuff like this.

"Well... thanks Alice," I said in earnest. I couldn't believe it but I was actually excited to get home and try it out.

"There are cleaning instructions on the card inside this," she said handing me the gift bag just as the waiter brought our salads. I blushed redder than the poor boy's hair. Alice just snorted at the face I made.

He smiled at me and walked away.

I swallowed. Shouldn't that have made me feel something? Shouldn't I feel something about myself when I see an attractive young man smiling at me that way?

It did a little... I felt good about how I looked. Figured I must not look like the zombie I felt like. But other than that... Nothing. It was like when Mike told me I looked nice. Or when he held my hand to the Volvo after a movie. It was nice. I felt good about me- but I felt nothing toward him.

It wasn't like it would be if Edward told me I looked pretty. Hell Edward didn't even need to use words. If Edward looked at me the way that boy just had... I crossed my legs.

I wolfed down my food. I have no doubt that Alice noticed I was practically done with my meal as soon as it arrived in front of me.

"Anxious to get home, Bella?" she asked putting her card with the bill and swatting my hand away when redhead came back to pick it up.

"Shut it, Alice," I said though I couldn't help but smirk myself.

"Yes."

For the first time in nearly eight years I was very excited to go home.

The Volvo squealed as I slammed on the breaks outside the apartment building. I was giddy as I ran up the steps. But once I was inside the building I was filled with that dreaded uncertainty.

What the fuck did I do now?

I felt so clumsy and stupid- just more proof that I was a hopeless eternal virgin at heart.

The building manager was standing by the mailboxes when I ran in. "Hi!" I shouted with a giggly smile.

I practically bulldozed my way past him but he held up a large envelope. "This came for you, Bella."

"Oh," I took the envelope from him with thanks and ran the rest of the way to my door.

So breathless and ridiculously horny I fumbled my way into my apartment, tossing the envelope on the kitchen counter. It didn't have a return address.

Weird.

I couldn't care less at the moment though.

I looked around my relatively small living space. Where to do this?

The couch? That just grossed out every thought of future company coming over to visit me.

The bedroom? It felt… too sacred to use the bed. Although Edward had never slept in this bed, my bed would only ever belong to him. I might have given Mike the indication that he and I could be a more permanent item in the future, but I made it clear that sex would never be on the table.

This right now… was a test to prove to myself that I could do it. That my body still worked right, and I could do this without feeling the world would end. It wasn't really that much about getting off, just about not falling apart.

Maybe this could be considered just about sex. Because I could make my body feel the impulses and releases of sex, but I would never want to make love with anyone but Edward.

That was my sacrifice for his happiness. I didn't need to have that connection of body and soul, as long as he could be happy.

I fingered the black bag in my hand.

So.,. that left… the bathroom. I wanted to slap myself over the awkwardness of being surrounded by cold, hard porcelain for this. It seemed like I was going out of my way to make this sterile and mechanical. But maybe that's what my mind needed right now. Every other place was still making me cringe at even the thought of trying this there.

I stepped into the bathroom and regarded it like it was some gauntlet at the end of a quest. How could I possibly get "in the mood" in here? I stared at the shower… Edward… I remembered that he liked to jack off in the shower. Maybe that would make this easier.

I stood in the shower. Fully clothed. No water. Just me and my new toy.

I felt so ridiculous.

"Get naked, idiot," I told myself.

"Go put this stupid thing away, dummy," I warned.

I sighed and decided to just go for it—just do it, Bella. Jump this hurtle.

I pulled my dress over my head. Nothing sexy. Just a quick motion to be naked. I stood there in my bra and panties and nerves. Alice had suggested I use music to set some mood. I didn't want the distraction.

I fumbled with the egg- reading the instructions like some nerdy virgin who wondered what an orgasm felt like.

I knew what they felt like. I just didn't know how to have one without Edward.

"Gah, just do it moron!" I yelled at myself, throwing the instructions to away.

The movement caught my eye in the mirror straight across me from. I could see myself down to the edge of my hips.

I stared at myself. My eyes were wild and excited, slightly hooded. My hair looked frantic and mussed from tearing my dress off. For all intents and purposes I looked like a girl ready to be fucked.

I just stood there for some time, looking at me. Letting my body and my mind get used to the idea that that was me. That the image in front of me was the person standing over her looking at it.

I wanted this.

I needed this.

The body in the mirror still wore a bra. I decided I wasn't ready to take it off…not yet. I also decided that the panties would stay on.

Baby steps…

"See yourself, Bella," I said out loud.

I let my eyes wander what little bit of me there was in the mirror. The curve of my neck, the way my shoulders slouched slightly.

I didn't have a gauge for what were great breasts or not. I knew size was a personal preference. I was pretty sure my mom had great breasts. The guys all went slack-jawed when she wore a low cut top. I assumed my breasts were good ones too.

I rolled my eyes at my anxiety. I had to do this. Had to face this. I kept my eyes focused on the reflection. I didn't want to watch my real hand touch my real breast.

I slid my right hand tentatively over my left breast. I gasped at the sensation. I was shocked to find myself so…sensitive to my own touch. I would have thought it impossible for my body to feel… ready, wanting without Edward here to touch me.

I shivered as I rolled my nipple between my fingers and squeezed. My breath hitched at the tingles that broke out all over my body from the motion.

I watched the girl in front of me. Saw her hunger for what she was doing. She looked bold. Strong. In control of herself and her body.

That spurred me on.

I rolled my eyes as I looked at the little silver bullet in my hand. I had no clue what this was going to be like. I considered how to use it. Over the panties? Slip it into the panties?

It was so much easier for a guy to do this. Lucky bastards had their work half way done for them in the self loving department.

I giggled slightly at the thought… then I thought about Edward doing this. Standing in a shower not too different from mine. Hot delicious water running down his shoulders and making his entire body slick and wet. His sure hand gliding and pumping over that one of part of him that I have only ever seen once in my life.

I swallowed—hard.

Under the panties.

I nodded to myself and tore my eyes away from the reflection girl long enough to fumble with my white cotton undies and menacing present that I would have to repay Alice for getting me.

I was met with yet another dilemma. Where the hell did I put it? I suddenly had a very terrifying image of me calling Alice to take me to the ER because the damn thing sped its way so far up my vagina that it ended up being trapped by my cervix and couldn't be pulled out. It needed a cord attached to it so I could yank it out like a tampon when finished.

Maybe it was only meant for my clit? The fucking instructions were on the floor and there was no way I was leaving this shower and returning. It was a now or never moment I was facing.

"Shit," I cursed quietly. I decided to keep the device under my panties and next to my skin, but that I would hold on to it with my left hand. I had suddenly made myself quiet paranoid of where the little devil would end up if not properly watched.

I took a deep breath. It seemed like days ago that I had been fondling my breast. I felt jumpy and my heart was racing in my throat.

I turned my attention back to the mirror. Though the girl looked trepid about what was about to happen she still looked excited. Aroused.

The hand in between my thighs was invisible to me now. The mirror stopped just at the top of my underwear. It made what was going on seem mysterious and almost a little naughty.

Out of some confidence in my sexuality I had no idea I possessed, I felt a finger slid down further at the apex of my thighs.

I was slick. Wet. Ready.

I moaned at the feeling of my arousal on my fingers. Without turning the egg on at all I felt my hand replace my finger with the rounded silver end.

The girl in the mirror's breath sped and she licked her lips. There was no real friction from the movement but I could feel pleasure shooting out from my center and making everything in my body feel warm and alive.

And suddenly I was filled with memories. I could see Edward's finger sliding in and out of me like mine was doing now. I was melting back on the cool whit tiles behind me but it could have been the wooden boards of the dock that first summer he touched me.

I mimicked the movement over and over, feeling my body build back to the point that it had been while I worked my breast. I could feel my hips rocking slightly to meet the tip as it slid back and forth in my wetness.

I expected my brain to freak as I remembered the way Edward's cock had felt sinking in to me. But the girl in the mirror didn't know what that felt like. She only knew this. And she liked this.

I was ready to try a little friction. Ready to feel a little bit more.

I held the remote in my hand. There was no label on it. Just a little hear shaped lever that slid up and down.

I had no clue where to start—what would be too fast? Didn't the paper say something about testing the vibrating strength on another part of your body before you use it to see what strength you wanted?

Now was really the worst time to remember that.

I stilled my hand, making certain the tip was positioned next to my clit. I arched my back slightly off the wall… I had done a pretty good job of teasing myself.

I didn't know if the vibrating would do anything much more for what I was feeling, but I figured if nothing else it might send me to orgasm faster and I could walk away from this satisfied with this first try.

The girl in the mirror watched me through her lashes—very satisfied with this first try.

I was certain the low speed would be too gentle. I don't know why I thought I had a preference, other than I knew when Edward would do this to me I never really felt the tension building until he stroked harder and deeper.

I bit my lip and slid the heart to the center of the remote.

"FUCK!" I screamed.

The egg started shaking almost violently in my hand. Forcing me to almost lose my footing and teasing my clit to the point of pain in a matter of seconds.

I quickly slid the heart back to the off position.

I stood there for a moment.

My heart was jumping and my breath was speeding away from me. The girl in the mirror didn't look as freaked out as I felt. She looked like she was ready to laugh.

I rolled my eyes.

"You're such a virgin, Bella," I said in a mimic of Alice's words.

That I was. But this virgin was tired of never feeling this again. I slid the egg back to my clit. Closed my eyes and pushed the heart slowly down just until I felt the egg turn on.

It was lovely. I couldn't see anything—but I could feel everything.

There was a slow, dull buzzing in that most needy part of me and felt my head lean back against the wall to just enjoy the sensation.

I could feel the scratch material of the lace in my bra rub gently over my hard nipples as my body started to rock slightly again. I could feel myself growing more and more wet as the buzzing started to build in my tummy.

I started rocking harder, my breath hard in my lungs. I felt my thumb push the heart further down on the dial. The buzzing increased and everything felt even better.

"Fuck…" I moaned and started thrusting my hips against my own hand.

I didn't have any images in my head. There was no music playing all around me in the room. I was all impulse and desire and sensation.

The nerve endings all over my body were on fire and the tension felt like I would go insane any moment.

Suddenly I felt my thumb push the heart all the way down on the device in my hand and I exploded.

I arched my back off the wall and screamed. My body was convulsing around a pleasure even more acute than any Edward had ever given me.

I shuddered as I was hit with wave after wave of pure release.

I pulled the egg out of my panties. Turned it off with the remote and slid down the wall to sit clumsily in the tub.

I was panting, sweating and shaking slightly.

"That was good," I said and laughed at myself.

I held my hands up in front of my face. Wow. I had really been able to do it.

Me.

Not with anyone's help but just me alone.

My hands fisted. Score one for us, Bella.

I took a shower. I was surprised to find that I was sore and achy all over. I had forgotten how much an orgasm took out of you.

I cleaned my egg, patted it at I put in on the night stand next to my bed and told myself I needed to bake Alice and Jazz a fucking cake.

I walked over to my writing station and sat down. "Well 2-d," I said to my cat. "I guess it's not the end after all."

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (6 months later)

Friday night.

Family dinner night. I blew a hard breath from puffed cheeks as I sat in the Vanquish. The restaurant looked normal from the street. Sure. No big deal. It was just a place that people went to eat, but it was fucking intimidating to me.

I hadn't seen any of the family, other than Alice, in person in four years. I barely talked to any of them on the phone. Carlisle once in a greater while. Alice mostly. Rose never. I was rather shocked to find that it was Esme who arranged this little get together tonight.

I guess I shouldn't be. I had worked very hard to get into her good graces. And she was the most understanding that night when I left town- came to the airport all alone to see me off.

And it's not that I ever expected any of them to visit me in Italy. Not even once I was back in the states and living in New York. But tonight just felt… odd. Maybe it was because I had worried that moving to Seattle would do this—would force everyone to feel like they had to bring me back.

I sighed and rested my head against the seat.

I wondered idly if she would be there. She was part of the family.

Don't be a fucking moron Cullen. She wants nothing to do with you. Fuck up.

I killed the engine and pulled the keys out. I had to go inside. At least I'd get to see Jazz. I actually missed the little shit more and more these days.

It was a nice place. One I'd never heard of—The Forest. I'm sure it was trendy and all the rage. Alice liked trying places with those two requirements in mind. It was damn well expensive. I could tell from the ornate doors. And the myriad of suits that stood by the entrance told me I had made the right choice in dressing up.

I kept my sunglasses on as I entered mainly because I just wanted to hide for as long as I could. It was barely light enough outside to be wearing them to begin with but I felt the need to keep them on.

The hostess eye fucked me like she wished I was on the specials list for the day. I rolled my eyes without showing my discomfort beyond the shades of my glasses. She turned to lead me to the reserved room and I didn't miss the ass wiggle that was all for me. I wanted to laugh out loud. Erebos would call it a waste. I just called it ironic. Every other damn woman in this world wanted to treat me like I was the only man on earth. But I couldn't begin to be interested. Because it was every other woman who did it—not the only woman I wanted to have notice me.

She took my jacket at the door. I swear to fucking God she smelled it as she left. Psycho.

I stood by the door for a long second, taking in the sight. Everyone else was already here. They were sitting down and catching up. My palms broke out in a cold sweat as I watched them.

I suddenly realized I had nothing to talk to them about that wouldn't lead around to mentioning her… realized that I was a pathetic excuse for a human because I still couldn't face her name.

My heart started jumping in my chest and I honestly started to turn around. "Edward," a kind voice called gently from the table.

Esme stood to throw her arms around me. And just like that, I was back. She linked her arm through mine and drew me into the circle of Cullens who were busy turning to watch us.

Rose and Em nodded to me and went back to staring in to each other's eyes. Five years together and they still acted like newlyweds. My heart flipped at the thought. Alice squeezed my arm as I sat next to her. Jazz just watched me. Carlisle walked around Esme and hugged me from behind.

"Geez," I complained as they all sat back down. "I saw you all…"

"Four years." Jazz remarked matter of factly.

I glared at the side of his face since he was suddenly interested in the menu.

"You're busy," Alice offered softly.

I winked at her and she hit my arm but smiled. Talk around the meal was the same as all family dinners were. Boring as fuck. I caught up on all the latest adventures of the family Cullen in no time. Rose and Em wanted to adopt, still. Esme and Carlisle were renovating, again. Alice was finishing the plans on her charity organization and Jazz was set to start his practice here in Seattle soon.

There was food and wine—more of both as we eased into that familiar groove that was so natural even after all of this time. Alice was congratulating me on the new collection when Em suddenly got up and left the room. He had his phone in his hand and all of the color had left his face. Rose said a hasty goodbye and followed her husband. It was clear she was just as lost as the rest of us with what was going on.

Esme shared a worried look with Carlisle. "They were supposed to hear from the agency this week." Carlisle smiled and squeezed her hand.

"It will be okay," he promised. She sighed and leaned over to kiss him.

Fuck. This is why I didn't spend time around my family. All these fucking happy couples. Mentally Erebos was kicking my ass over the self pity. But fuck. I was only human. I moved to fill my glass up again.

Too much fucking wine, Edward. Her voice said inside my head. Oh fucking well Miss—you aren't here to stop me.

Alice grabbed my arm. "Edward," she breathed. I turned to find her face ashen—she had her phone open and was reading a text. Her eyes were wells of pain as she turned to me, "Bella".

Like a fucking flash flood that name broke in to my mind—and soul. My heart seized. My brain exploded and the bottle of wine crashed to the floor.

Bella.