Bookends Chapter 32: A true love of mine, a twilight fanfic

Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Much love to my beta TwilightMomofTwo. She's a rock of support and puts up with my grammar issues. Check out her stories on this site- she's entered two contests. Show her some love and tell her Qute sent you.

Chapter 32: True love of mine

-**-Bookends-**-

"Remember me to one who lives there. She once was a true love of mine." Scarborough Fair (Paul Simon)

Angel (Sarah McLachlan)

Spend all your time waiting
For that one second chance
For the break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of this straight life
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?"

"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin." (Edward and Bella, Twilight, Stephenie Meyer.)

-**-Bookends-**-

APOV

I stared at my phone, clutched tightly in my hand.

He found her.

Of course he found her. He was a damn blood hound when it came to that girl.

His girl.

I drew in a deep, ragged breath as I looked around the empty waiting room. It was unfathomable to me.

Here a man lay dying and no one was waiting in this room. There were the ones he loved in the room with him. And the ones who desperately ached for his love that were hurting in other places close by.

But no one was waiting here.

I stood, remembering the first time I was in this hospital.

I was four years old and covered in burns on my hips and thighs. Not too many people remember that far back in their lives.

Most days, the memories were lost to me, too.

But today, I couldn't erase the image of the nurse as she watched me with horror in her eyes. It was the first time someone had done that. Shown some sort of… remorse for what had happened to me. Proven that what I endured everyday was not right.

They called it punishment.

I called it hell.

This place had been some twisted sanctuary to me. I almost relished being hurt, since it meant I got to visit this peaceful building and the people who cared about keeping people from being in pain.

I stood off to the side in the elevator as a young woman and her son got on. He looked to be around three or four years old. All smiles and wide eyes. The woman was whispering to him about something that made his smile grow.

Just like it did every time I saw a woman with her child, I ached to know my mother.

None of my party were waiting in the lobby when I exited the elevator. I could see them all standing outside, near the front entrance. I didn't mind that one bit. I could use a bit of fresh air myself.

Esme was holding Rose and nodding her head. I didn't stop to hear what they were talking about. It hurt, even though Charles Swan was nothing to me, for me to remember that empty room upstairs with all these tears down here.

Em was talking to Carlisle just past the two women embraced in pain. He had his arms crossed over his chest and a stern look on his face. The sight of his face made my face unconsciously harden as I walked past him. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed me, and I didn't miss the smirk he fought at the sight of gruff Alice.

I rolled my eyes, but nearly smiled myself.

Again, the image of that empty room hit me square in the chest.

My husband was off by himself. He sat on the curb, his arms draped over his bent knees and his face paler than the ivory silk of the slip under my skirt.

"Hey, baby," he whispered as I put my hand gently on his shoulder.

"Is this the… where she came?"

He nodded. I had suggested we visit British Columbia several times over the years. Victoria was a beautiful city. But Jazz would always shudder at the thought of accidentally ending up here.

"When was the last time?"

"Last summer… when we visited the cemetery. She wanted to see it. She couldn't remember it. Thought it was on the other side of town." He shook his head and watched his hands as if they held his past.

I sat beside him and put my hand on top of his joined hands. He laced my fingers with his and continued.

"She didn't want to go to maternity. She…. Didn't want to hear the babies crying….She never got to hear her baby cry." A tear slipped down his cheek, and I just tightened my grip on his hands.

"Did I do the right thing, Alice? Bringing her here?" He looked up to the dark sky as if the answers were out there, waiting for us to find them.

"I should have made her tell Esme. I should have told Carlisle. I was just a stupid…"

"Kid," I whispered. He drew in a steadying breath and nodded in agreement. "We all were, Jazz. Just babies ourselves." I wiped his tears away with my free hand and cupped his cheek. He sighed and leaned into my touch.

"What floor is maternity on?"

"Fourth floor," he confirmed as if the number four had suddenly replaced the seven deadly sins.

"She's coming back, Jazz. I know it. They're together now, and it's going to get better."

He huffed and stood, my hand released and unceremoniously dropped. "Even now, you have time to plot about that?"

I glared up at him. Plot? I had never plotted anything. I had only hoped to help guide my family on their natural course.

"They need each other, Jazz."

He chuckled, a dark and almost scary sound. "They don't need us to tell them that Alice."

With that, he turned on his heel and headed down the sidewalk away from the hospital. I assumed he was going to the hotel. I hoped I would see him later tonight when I made it there myself.

I didn't run after him and demand his apology. I didn't need one. I knew what he meant. He knew what I meant. When we saw each other in person again, we would stand in each other's embrace and talk it out in our eyes. Forgive and accept and move on.

There would never be an empty waiting room for us.

"He's bringing her down now, Esme," I said, turning back to my family.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV

It was so noisy in the lobby. I couldn't really make out any faces. I didn't talk to anyone. I just wanted to put my hands over my ears and stop all the noise.

He wasn't touching me. He hadn't touched me since I woke up. He just stood up and held out his hand, waiting to help me out of the chair. Once I was standing next to him, he released my hand like I had burned his flesh with my own.

I flexed my hand at my side. I could still feel the tingle of his touch against me. How had I lived for so long without that charge from his body? I felt like my skin was barely containing that pulse that he had restarted in my heart.

In the middle of this damn gloomy hospital, where I felt a piece of myself dying, it felt like Edward was bringing me back to life.

Edward was life. I learned that long ago.

And you drained that life from your life, Bella.

I looked over at him. Edward stood next to Alice. Saying nothing. Not moving. But watching. His eyes were fixed on me. Staring and intense. I shivered at the memory of how he held me upstairs.

It wasn't sexual but it was, at the same time,… invigorating.

It never felt like this when Mike held me.

Did Mike ever hold me?

"Bella?" Mom's face was in front of me. How long had it been since I'd seen her? "Do you want to go up and say good night?"

I watched her lips. Was she serious? What the hell did I have to say to that man? To any of them?

I turned my head and spied my brother leaning against the wall next to the elevators. "Come on, Bells, I'm going up, too."

His voice was so… sad. Resigned.

I stood there for a moment. Lost. Edward was standing so far away from me. I panicked, looking up to his eyes with a pleading worry in mine.

"Come with me?" I begged. He nodded—looking a little annoyed that that wasn't just implied.

I wrung my hands the entire ride up. I didn't miss the charged air in the tiny space of the elevator. Em was watching Edward like some lion waiting to snap a zebra's neck. Edward was passive and reserved. I had no way to tell how he was feeling. I figured the very fact that he was here, in Victoria, meant he still cared about me.

Is that really how he feels, Bella? my inner bitch prodded. Or is that just what you want him to feel?

I rolled my eyes. If nothing else, the hope that Edward was here because he loved me and wanted to support me was distracting me from what was really going on. I couldn't process what was happening here. There were too many emotions battling in my head for me to accept any of this as real.

My feet stalled a little by the door. Edward didn't say anything, but he also didn't let me leave. He just waited next to me. Silently. Patiently.

I peeked up at him and he didn't look down at me, he just kept staring at the door and waiting for me to finally walk towards it.

Who was this guy? This wasn't my Edward.

Had he moved on like I had hoped he would? I cringed at the thought. It was best that he did, but… how could I survive in a world without Edward?

I took a deep breath. I really didn't want to go in here. Maybe Edward could just…

"Come on," he whispered softly, reaching his hand out and grabbing mine. He pulled me forward without looking at me.

I blinked at him in mild shock.

Come on? Did he not remember the years that I had feared what was lying on the other side of that door? Had he forgotten everything about me?

I followed him. I would follow him anywhere. I bit my lip and tried not to cry as I felt the most alone I had ever felt in my life.

Edward had moved on.

I pulled my hand from his as I entered the room. I needed to move on myself. Or at least not give him any different impression.

"B," Mike's arms were suddenly around me. It felt so wrong to be embraced by these arms.

I felt cold all over again. Though the charge was still running through my body and making me slightly edgy. I just wanted this day to end. Wanted to not be here anymore.

Wanted to find some place to hide…with Edward. Forever.

I fabricated affection in my attempt to smile up at Mike. But my eyes scanned back behind us to where he stood next to Emmett.

Em was glaring the figure in the bed down. His eyes were feral and angry. His body practically vibrated. What the hell had happened when he got here? I looked around for Rose. She would help calm him down.

That's when it hit me...

Rose.

She wasn't here.

Fuck.

I sighed. Maybe once he was dead, we could finally start living our lives without fearing his judgment.

I bit the inside of my cheek. What the fuck did I just think? Once he was dead. Wow. Even the bitch in me was stunned for a breath.

Was I now some vindictive, soulless monster who was plotting her father's death?

No, inner me warned. You're just at the end of your road now. This path has ended and you are ready for a new one to begin.

I shuddered and shifted my eyes from the shaking body of my brother to the deathly still body of my former lover.

Edward was…self possessed. He seemed so much taller, older. His jaw was lined with a dusting of stubble. I wondered what it would feel like against my skin. It was bronze and alluring…just like every other hair on his body.

I was captivated.

He never once looked at me. I wondered if it was wrong that I never once stopped looking at him. Everyone else watched the scene in front of me. They listened to the monitors that told us Charlie was still alive.

I kept my eyes behind the scene.

Towards Edward.

He had changed so much. And here I was… same old fucked in the head Bella.

Mike's arms squeezed tighter around me. Fuck. Mike.

I was never more regretful of finally giving in and just saying 'yes' than I was right now. It had only been one week. One stupid fucking week since he officially brought a ring by my apartment and slid it on my finger.

It felt like the thing weighed fifty pounds on my hand. Some lead weight that would keep me from moving from this spot, trapped in Mike's arms forever.

I shuddered again.

How many more dumbass mistakes could I possibly make in my life?

"Are you cold, sweetheart?" Mike murmured softly to me.

I noted the slightest break in Mr. Cullen's cool façade. He cringed when Mike called me 'sweetheart'. My subconscious stored that information for a time when I could analyze it.

"Yah... I think I'm just gonna head over to… the house." I swallowed around the word. I would much rather stay in a hotel. But we weren't rich and the house was free.

"Okay, I gotta get back to the shop early tomorrow. I'm going to stay here and catch a cab to the harbor so I can get the last ferry out tonight." He kissed my forehead and I nodded like I gave a fuck and understood all the stuff he was saying.

"You sure you're going to be okay all alone there?"

Fuck. I hadn't thought about that—the fact that I would be completely and totally alone there. Renee and the children of the corn would be staying at the lake house. It was a bit of a drive away from the main house. I know Mom would insist I get a room at her hotel that I even stay with her in her room, but I really didn't want to stay with anyone.

I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

Or alone with that man with the haunting brown eyes and flaming bronze hair.

I nodded, without looking back at Mike.

"Kay, Babycakes." Mike kissed me swift and hard on the lips. I was too shocked to react. I usually needed a little bit of warning before I let Mike touch me that…intimately.

You are so fucked up, Bella, inner me thought. This time, I had to agree with her.

"Safe trip," I whispered and patted his shoulder not affectionately and slightly detached.

I glanced over at Renee and nodded a goodbye. I ignored the demon kids. And couldn't bring myself to look at the bed.

There was nothing there I wanted to see.

"I'll go with you."

It wasn't the voice I had hoped to hear say those words. But as long as it belonged to one of the two men in the elevator with me I was happy. I really couldn't say I was disappointed that my brother was willing to stay at the house tonight.

Out anyone in the world, Em was the only person who knew what it felt like to be me where my dad was concerned. Em was the only other child of Esme and Charlie Swan. We might have had different experiences with him, but we were both in the same boat in so many ways.

"One last goodbye," he murmured under his breath.

I had to agree. Whether either of us ever admitted it or not, that house had been a home for us. Not a home in the true meaning of the word, but a place where we had grown up.

It was the place where Edward first found me.

And saved me.

He was not touching me as we rode down to the lobby. He did not look at me as we all exchanged hugs and information on where everyone would be staying. Only Rose, Em and I would be at the main house. Everyone else was booked at the Fairmont Empress. A swanky place.

He didn't speak to me or look at me while we were in the lobby. Carlisle had called for cars for all of them to use while they were here.

What must it be like to have that kind of money? My dad had that kind of money.

But I never had it.

I sat in the backseat and watched the rain slowly start to fall. Every minute of my life seemed drenched in rain.

I was taken back to a time when I believed the rain to be some sign of time lost. I supposed if it still was… I had now lost millions of moments. Each as delicate and as slippery as every rain drop outside.

Fallen time that splattered and washed away in the palm of your hand.

You can't stop time. You can't hold it and keep it locked away.

You can only hope to be out in the middle of the storm when the rain comes down, otherwise the chances in life will pass you by and you will dry up and blow away like dust in the wind.

Death was a funny thing.

-**-Bookends-**-

(Swan family home)

I lay on my back, staring up at the canopy of the bed I dreaded so much as a child. It held no wonder or fear for me now.

"Fucking asshole!" I moved my arm to my forehead and glared at the ceiling. This room hadn't changed in twenty years. It still felt like I was sleeping in some stranger's bed.

I was.

I could never be the person my father wanted me to be.

I didn't think even he knew who that person was.

I watched the dark shadows moving above me… waiting.

For tears.

There was some swelling in my chest. My head hurt like someone had slapped me up one side and down the other.

I reached over and turned on the beside lamp. It still worked. When was the last possible time that it could have been changed? No one but me used this room. And I hadn't been here in nearly fifteen years.

I didn't need the light the way I had as a child. No longer was I afraid to walk boldly down the hall to the bathroom in the dark of this house. It was just a big, stupid house.

Maybe it wasn't so scary because I knew he wasn't here.

I got up, sitting cross-legged on the couch. The same damn couch that had been here most of my life. It didn't seem as big as it used to. It creaked under my adult form in a way it never did under the kid me, but it was the same stupid color, and still uncomfortable.

I ignored the television. I hadn't watched TV in years. The occasional movie perhaps but I found myself more and more drawn to music. I spent so much of my time writing and rewriting that watching shows just didn't interest me anymore.

Instead, I watched the world outside. It was two in the morning, but the backyard was awake. The moon was full and bright, peeking around dark rain clouds. The lake directly behind my room sparkled in the moonlight as the rain hit it.

I used to find a peace in the falling rain. I wasn't sure what peace felt like anymore. I had spent a few too many years trapped inside my head. Hidden under layers of grief so heavy that I doused out all light around me.

I had robbed Edward of so much. And watching him tonight I could see I still was.

"What in the hell are you doing, Bella?" I asked the darkness of my room.

This unnerving untouched fucking creepy room that summed up all of my fears. I cried myself to sleep in this room. Edward found me here. I discovered that I was pregnant here…

My eyes stung—my lips trying to quiver and my head feeling ready to explode. I wanted to cry.

I needed to cry.

But the tears never came.

Just some ache… deep inside me… an emptiness.

I blinked my eyes and watched the rain. I hugged my arms around me, remembering how it had felt when Edward held me just a handful of hours ago.

Remembering the morning I woke up in this very room with his arms around me.

That was home.

My cheeks flushed as the rush of life pumped through me once more at just the thought of being in his arms.

Edward.

I bit my lip. There were too many thoughts in my head. Too many desires and needs mixing and churning.

Again the ache rose in my chest and again, I just felt hollow and useless to relieve it.

He may not end it, but he would ease it.

He always eased it.

Edward.

I ran my hand through my hair, gripping it and rolling my shoulders. My knee started jumping without my conscious thought for it to move.

Edward.

It was wrong. I didn't deserve a minute of his time. I couldn't promise him anything past this moment.

Fuck.

I wanted him to move on and not want me, or need me the way I needed him.

I twirled the ring on my left hand around and around.

Edward.

My knee jumped harder.

The ache… the empty… no tears.

Why were there no tears?

Maybe when he was dead…

Death.

I could never want anything to die.

Did I wish my baby dead?

Just like I now begged for the relief from my father's—indifference.

Edward.

I rocked back and forth.

Edward…

"Fuck!" I screamed and jumped to my feet. I pulled out my phone. Didn't give one flying fuck to how I looked and grabbed the keys to the rental car from the kitchen table.

"Alice," I said as I heard her sleepy voice on the other end of the line.

"Please."

-**-Bookends-**-

RPOV

I watched him brushing his teeth. I smirked to myself. He was always so meticulous with his own appearance. I wondered if he ever realized how much like Charlie he really was when it came to that. The details. Charlie could make a production out of the smallest things.

As could my Emmett.

I would never point it out to him. He would misunderstand me. Think that I was calling him Charlie Swan Jr..

I could understand the resentment that would follow, even if it would be misplaced. And I would spend the entire night assuring him that he was twice the man his father ever would be. I got that about him, so I didn't bring it up.

I had been told many times throughout my life that I reminded people of Mary.

Funny. I never thought of her as 'Mom'. The only person I had ever called Mom was Esme.

My father used to tell me I was too damn stubbornly independent like my mother. I had been affronted by that thought at first. She ditched us before I could even get a good look at her. She left my baby sister in that nightmare of an orphanage… I shuddered at the thought.

But I came to terms with the fact that whether or not Mary Alice Brandon Cullen made good choices in her life or not, she was who she wanted to be.

I would own that.

"What?" he had a smirk that mirrored my own as he stood next to the bed. I rolled my eyes.

"I was just reckoning with the truth that my husband spends more time getting pretty than I do," I sighed dramatically.

He chuckled and bent down to kiss me, hard and possessive on the lips. "That's because you're naturally gorgeous, Baby."

I sighed against his lips. What had I ever done in life that earned me this man beside me forever? Surely it was some mistake.

"Come on, let's get to sleep."

"Did you hear her yelling?" Em eased under the covers behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I clung to his biceps like he was the only thing keeping me afloat above freezing waters.

"And her getting dressed and heading out," he confirmed, leaning forward and kissing the back of my neck.

I closed my eyes. I wished every night before I went to sleep that Bella would find peace. Here I lay, a woman, born a man and cuddled next to the love of her life. I had felt trapped inside my own body for so long. And yet, I had no words to offer for my little sister on how she could break free of hers.

In many ways I was still trapped. I hugged the arms of security around me more tightly and tried not to remember the cold naked stares that we received when we arrived at the hospital.

I had hoped that when Volterra died that the animosity would die too. I hadn't realized she had just been the only one to have the balls to speak up.

Renee was welcoming, in the lobby. The kids didn't give their step-brother a second glance and Charlie insisted, though he lay dying, that Em not be allowed in the room if I was with him.

I tried to hold the tears until he was asleep but the few drops that fell were beyond my control.

"What is it baby?" he whispered. I bit my lip and turned my face toward my pillow. I needed to be strong for him. Support him. I had made my choice long ago to become who I was meant to be. I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as just putting on a wig and a dress.

He stood by me every single step of the way. Tried to hide the utter terror he had when I went under the knife.

I owed it to him to do the same.

"Rose…talk to me." I shook my head at the stupidity of my own tears. I wasn't even crying for the tragedy of the life that was about to be lost. I was crying because I was discriminated against.

Real mature, Rose.

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Na-huh." He rolled me over in his arms so that I was under him, flat on my back. I wanted to cover my face with my hands. To hide from him. I had never wanted to hide from anyone. I was a kid who came out in junior high, for crying out loud.

And I had come out to him. Leaned over and kissed him straight on the lips in broad daylight without any remorse.

Best damn thing I ever did, really.

But after how he was treated today… because of me….

"Look at me," he commanded. I complied. I really was a sucker for this man.

I stared straight up at him, my eyes burning with regrets I didn't even understand. His shone back, with a devotion that I could recognize like the reflection of my own soul.

We stayed locked like that—for who knows how long. I only blinked when I desperately had to, and he would only blink when I did.

"I love you," he vowed. I raised my hand to his cheek and ran my index finger along his brow and down his cheek bone. I smiled at him.

Then I flicked the center of his forehead with a slight snap.

"I know."

I smirked as the worry lines in his brow smoothed out and playful Emmett peeked out through his eyes.

He growled. "You're paying for that, Missy," he threatened.

I giggled and squirmed as he started tickling me all over - relentless and playfully biting me as often as he could.

Again, my brain wanted to bring the moment down. I had never shared a bed with Em in this house. Never had we fooled around anywhere near his father's life. And the very absolute realization that we were about to christen this house and bed with our physical love, made me smug as hell.

Foreplay aside, we were both teased and ready to just give over to each other. His lips claimed mine and I moaned loud enough to wake the neighbors. If Charlie Swan had had neighbors, that is.

He pulled my nightgown over my head, his eyes and hands moving slowly down my altered body.

"So fucking beautiful," he whispered. When he said that, and only when he said it, I really felt beautiful.

"I love you, Emmett Swan," I panted and let myself melt as he made love to me. Lips and tongues swirling together. I groaned as we joined and I arched my neck back to offer myself completely to him.

All raw passion mixed with pure tenderness. Sweat. Heat. Need. And release.

And as we peaked together, I couldn't help the total elation that came over me.

Tell me I can't be in your son's life…

Fuck you, Charlie Swan.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (hotel)

"No, Kate," I sighed and loosened the top button on my shirt. I kicked out of my dress shoes; I really hated wearing those things. Sneakers and jeans were more my style.

"Edward, please, it would only be for a short term project. The investors are anxious to get something going soon or else they want to pull back to the east coast."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "So let them pull out. I never really wanted a corporation here."

She sighed and the phone was silent for a second. There was one thing I learned from the years I had known Kate, she could only take so much of my bullshit. Then she would pull out her baseball bat and start swinging.

"Edward," her tone was clipped, almost charged with an anger that was electric. "I didn't work my butt off to build your business just to see you crap out on me at the finish line."

"Whoa… what business? I…" I stopped in front of the full mirror near the bathroom. I didn't recognize the guy standing there. He was dressed in a casual suit and holding a cell phone like he was someone important, making important calls for the good of his company. He looked… like Ed Masen before his accident.

As I did whenever I saw Ed staring back at me, I reminded myself that I was Edward. He was my father, but I was never him.

And never would be.

I pulled off my shirt and removed my watch. The tattoo on my abdomen was one more clue that Ed Masen lay in the ground and did not stand in this room. My reminder of that fact was simple and not flourished with my artistic signature, as Kate had tried to talk me into. It was simply one symbol. A 'B'.

I rubbed the tattoo and shook my head. "This isn't a business that I'm building, Kate. It's just a moment in my life."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Cullen."

I laughed as I pictured the fiery redhead leaning across her desk to slap me across the face as she said that.

"This is your future, whether it's with the deal you make with the Romanian investors or whatever the next proposal is. You belong in the art business."

I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to make that image fit. It didn't seem right. It was enjoyable for the moment sure. I would love to keep art a main staple in my life, but my eyes couldn't focus on that future.

The buzzing melody was building once more in my mind. It was making the images Kate tried to make me see—blur and fade.

"Where do you want to set up?"

"There's an empty studio on the corner of Harbor and Main." I could hear the smile in her voice. She thought she won this round. I rolled my eyes and laughed again.

"Okay, set it up. Pull out some of the note cards, they went well at the gala last month."

"What about the sketches?"

I considered it. The sketches were my favorite pieces in my collection - they were all reinterpreted versions of the post cards I had sent to Bella once upon a time.

"Pull out the prints and frame them."

"And the painting?" I groaned. Not again. She always had to bring up that fucking painting. It was the one and only time I had ever been possessed to use paint. Paint was more Erebos' medium than mine. He visited me a year ago and convinced me to indulge in some Bella memories.

Damn whiskey.

"No, Kate," I said through tight lips. The painting was private and had no place near a showing. I didn't care how good she thought it was. It was only for me… and for the person who was in it.

"One of these days, Eddie…"

I started to growl at her nickname for me. I hated having my name shortened. But a knock at the door stopped me.

Who the hell would be knocking on my door at - fuck, what time was it?

"Look… how many fucking times do I have to warn you about that painting? You know damn well I'm not bluffing. Remember that time in France when you tried to get the dealer to look at it…" I pulled open the door, ready to have it out with Kate one more time over that damn painting.

I froze. On the other side of the door, shivering and soaked through to her skin from the pouring rain outside, was Bella Swan.

Her eyes were pleading and her body was shaking.

I gaped at her like some slack-jawed idiot who couldn't see that she was freezing.

"Eddie?" the voice in my ear whined. I shut my phone and ended my call without a single word. Kate could wait.

My Bella was at my door.

I stared at the goddess in front of me. Gone was the dead light that had robbed me of my calm in the hospital… this girl… no, this woman, standing here now was my Bella.

One hundred percent my girl.

"Fuck me, Edward," she demanded as she pushed her way past me into the hotel suite. I drew in one long slow breath before I turned around.

She was already removing her clothes. I watched her with heavy eyes. I was more than ready to follow her command. It had been raining- and apparently it was very cold. Bella's clothes were soaking wet and her nipples strained against the fabric of her shirt, begging my lips to suck them. But it was wrong. She didn't deserve a useless fuck.

What the hell was I saying? Bella and I had never fucked. We had lost our virginity frantically when we were both too young to enjoy it. Everything since then had only been mild touching that would end in her shoving me away and neither of us being satisfied.

I had embraced a very healthy sexual appetite since I left Italy. Never with a partner but… I would never be able to desire any woman other than Bella. I had a healthy imagination, and long vivid memory of her naked body. Plus, there was always porn when I needed it.

Kate had made an invitation a time or two. The night I created that painting that I hid in my bedroom I had been drunk enough to almost take her offer. We made it as far as removing my shirt. Then I passed out on her couch.

Even inebriated I belonged only to Bella.

"Take a bath first, please," I said with a calm low voice. Her face was shocked for an instant. But there was a hint of promise in my words that was not lost on her. I didn't say that I wouldn't fuck her. I just wanted her to warm up first.

"Join me?" she pleaded breathlessly.

I closed my eyes for a single heartbeat. The last traces of the old Edward were gone when I opened them.

I wasn't terrified of putting my trust in her. I wasn't worried that her trust in me was misplaced. Wasn't afraid that if I reached out and held her that my flesh would burn away as it had in the past. I knew who I was. And I knew who she needed me to be.

That ring on her finger taunted me. I swallowed as my eyes were drawn to her left hand. I didn't say a word, and neither did she. She just took off the ring and unceremoniously dropped it on top of the television set.

My jaw clenched at the raw need in her eyes. My mind wanted to rejoice in the fact that she so effortlessly threw aside Mike's affection, but my heart warned that she just might do the same to me if given the choice.

"Please, Edward," she begged. "I can't be alone."

You're never alone, baby, I wanted to say. I wanted to promise her that I'd be standing right beside her forever.

But words failed me. I nodded and motioned for her to go first. As she passed and the scent of rain drops and heather hit me, my breath caught in my throat.

"Always," I mumbled even though her question no longer lingered in my ears.

I gave her a moment alone in the bathroom before I came in. It was awkward enough to just be around each other; being naked and that close to each other seemed like an impossible dream.

I rested my forehead against the cool wood of the door while I heard the sounds of the bath water running. I held my breath and waited for the sounds of her tears.

I had heard Bella cry more in my short life than I had heard her laugh. She mostly tried to contain her tears until the moments when she thought I was sleeping and unable to hear her.

But I always heard. I always knew.

I was a little unnerved when I realized that there was no sound coming from the bathroom beside the sound of the water running.

I opened the door slowly.

I was wrong to assume the old Edward could just fade away. What I found on the other side of the door was the Bella I had always feared coming face to face with.

She was always good at hiding this Bella in the bathroom just after we kissed or getting out of bed and not being near me when this took over.

For lack a better word this was…Crazy Bella.

I fucking wished she just tell me what the hell scared her so fucking badly to put her in this place in her head. I recognized the abused child behind her eyes when she was like this. There were many nights when I was a kid that Jazz would find me in this state. I knew what Jazz used to do to break me out of it.

I was fucking relieved she finally was okay with me seeing her like this. I hoped it meant she trusted me to help her through it.

Don't be a fucking idiot, Cullen. You're the one who made her crazy in the first place.

I walked slowly to the tub and turned off the water. It was scalding hot, steam rising from the surface and making the small hotel bathroom misty and warm.

I returned to the shaking, frozen form of my girl. She was standing in the middle of the room. Still fully dressed and in a trance that had her shaking from some terror I had no name for.

I said nothing. She didn't need words right now. That's what had her trapped. Too many fucking words. Too many dumbass thoughts running through her head, making her feel lost and alone.

She needed to be reminded that she was never alone. Whether she stayed with me forever or married that rat bastard Newton.

I would be with her forever.

For the first time, I took a good look at what she was wearing. She was dressed in a ratty tank top and faded, oversized flannel pants that did not match the top. What the hell was she doing when she decided to come here tonight?

I touched her arms gently, making sure she could see me, my eyes. I promised her in the connection of our sight that I would not hurt her. She swallowed slowly and nodded, so I continued. I ran my hands slowly down her arms and collected her shirt at the hem.

Once the tank was over her head I saw that her eyes were closed. I bit my cheek to keep from smiling. There was still a very real fear etched in her face but the blush that was running from the tips of her ears all the way down her neck and chest told me she was nervous about something else entirely.

My fear of this night evaporated. There were still questions without answers. There were still problems without solutions. But those were for tomorrow.

Tonight, I would show this woman that I loved her.

I finished stripping Bella of her clothing. I went as slow as she needed me to. It was my turn to blush as I uncovered every creamy, delicious inch of her skin. It was just as smooth and soft as I remembered. I smiled as I watched the subtle rise and fall of her breasts with her delicate breaths. I felt myself growing harder by the second as I watched her.

Fuck. My physical reaction to this woman would never change. I considered briefly bathing with her while wearing my pants. She'd only ever seen me naked once. I didn't want to overwhelm her all in one moment.

I gasped when I felt her shaking fingers grab the fly of trousers. The blush on her cheek grew a lovely crimson and I finally let the smug smirk peek through. I took a deep breath, drawing in the scent of the only woman I had ever loved.

Fuck, she smelled luscious.

I let her lower the zipper and then I took pity on her nerves. I gripped her wrists in my hands. "Get in the tub," I whispered. She took a deep breath as she stepped into the water and I stepped out of my pants.

There would be no hiding my erection in the tub. She would be forced to feel it against her. She might have shown up at my door begging for a fuck but I knew Bella better than she knew herself. I had to ease her into this.

I stood behind her, steadying my balance by gripping her slight waist with my hands. So fragile and strong was her skin.

Unconsciously, I leaned down and kissed her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her middle. We stood like that for a long moment. I tried to keep my cock from touching her, but she kept leaning further into me. I gave up and let her body press flush against mine.

It felt good.

It felt right.

"I didn't cry," she whispered. Her voice was a shaky and broken—like the thoughts in her head. Memories.

Bad fucking memories.

I knew what those were like. I had spent too many nights as a kid trying to purge that shit from my mind.

I ignored her. This was just Bella thinking out loud. I lowered us into the water, pulling out the soap bar provided by the hotel and a wash cloth.

"I… why can't… no tears…" She was rocking as she continued to mumble.

I lifted her arms, taking care to caress her skin as I cleaned it, always keeping in mind that this was to remind her she was anything but alone in this world.

"You don't have to cry, Baby," I started whispering randomly. We weren't talking to each other, but rather around each other. Around the moment in general. She would say something about feeling empty and I would remind her of the accomplishments in her life. She would mention something about the need to cry and I would remind her that she had the strongest heart I had ever known.

By the time the bath was over which included an interesting moment when she turned her attention on me and washed my chest down to my tattoo, where her fingers lingered without the washcloth and ran again and again over the letter, we stood in the bathroom facing each other.

She wasn't locked in a trance and I wasn't afraid of hurting her beyond repair.

And neither of us gave a fuck that we were naked.

Strike that, my cock liked very much that we were still naked. And he continued to remind me that our endurance was limited. As she was relaxed and open—and totally fucking wet. I took Bella's hand in mine and led her to the bedroom.

She crawled on to the bed, still naked and I wasn't ashamed of the groan that escaped my throat at the sight.

She rested back against then headboard and peeked back at me with sorrow-filled eyes. A look of pure torture. I anticipated what the pain would be like shortly, since I had seen her look like this for years. She wasn't ready for this.

The minute I touched her she would start to break down until she was in the bathroom screaming and shaking.

I was still resolved to press on.

Because for all that the look in her eyes scared me, I was no longer that same person I was before this moment. She might yell and kick and scream but I wouldn't let that stop me.

She needed me.

If she ended up crying on the bathroom floor, I would sit there next to her and hold her. Never again would she be alone.

"I'm such a bad person," she murmured as I joined her on the bed. I sat timidly at the foot with my legs facing forward, but my body angled towards her. A passive position. I didn't want her to feel threatened in any way by my presence. She drew her knees up and wound her arms around them.

"No, you're not a bad person. You are simply human, my love." Her breath caught at my confession. I didn't care anymore if she didn't love me back, for this moment we wanted each other and I was committed to show her how deep my desire for her went.

"I am, Edward. I'm a horrible human. I hurt you…. I… use people…" Her voice was raspy as if she had been crying for hours, but I had been with Bella for the last handful of hours and she hadn't shed a single tear.

"I didn't cry."

I watched her eyes as she said it. I didn't cry. I understood that guilt a little too well. I didn't cry when Ed died. Bella would say Charlie never did anything to her that was as bad as my dad did to me. But I believed what Charlie did was much worse. Once Ed's arms couldn't swing anymore, the pain stopped. Charlie was inside Bella's head—forever. Long after his body was laid to rest, he would still be very much alive inside of her.

If she let him.

I sighed. There were no words that I could offer to help her right now. Bella was trapped in her brain with conflicting emotions and memories that she needed to sort out on her own.

But I was here, and she was with me. We were not alone.

I thought back to the moment she arrived at my door. "Fuck me, Edward," she had requested.

I gave myself a mental shake. No matter how convicted I was to this natural path we were taking, I was at a loss for really pulling this off. I had only had sex once. And she ended up crazy after it.

I could feel Alice slapping me mentally for that thought. Bella was not crazy.

A question for tomorrow, Edward.

That low building melody was humming in my brain as my fingers twitched, and I looked back at her. She rested her forehead against her knees and was rocking gently.

I would not force myself on her, but I knew without a question of a doubt that I would have to dominate the exchange. She came to me, put her trust in me. I couldn't let the old me take over and fuck this up.

This was about her.

I repeated that thought to my throbbing erection. This was not about me getting off. Only about comforting her intimately.

She was not alone.

Slowly, infinitely, achingly subtly as if I wasn't even moving at all, I turned and crawled up the bed to where she sat. She felt the dip in the mattress as I made my way closer to her.

She rested back against the pillows and slowly lowered her legs out in front of her. I held her eyes with my own, warning her that I was coming closer. Giving her time to adjust to the idea of what I might be doing once I reached that promised land between her legs.

My hands landed on either side of her feet and I broke our eye contact. I looked to her toes.

For no known reason at all, I started talking. "I didn't cry when Ed died."

I could hear her breathing grow deeper. Not afraid, or nervous. The sound of her breaths was swirling in my mind and mixing with the symphony. A pulse leading me down to her flesh.

Back to her feet.

So delicate. So fragile. And yet so very strong. Bella had walked miles on these feet. They must have been worn out and tired, but she could still trust them to get her where she needed to go. True, these two little feet had carried her out of my life five years ago, but they had also brought her here tonight. I loved them for that. For returning her to me.

I lowered my head and kissed her toes. Starting with the very tip of the big toe on her right foot. Just a soft brush of flesh against flesh. The skin on her feet was rougher, more durable than any other skin on her body. And for that I gave it extra attention.

I continued to confess in between the meeting of my flesh with hers. "I didn't cry when Tanya abandoned me."

My lips touched her toes, smoothed across the balls of her feet and down her instep. Her heels were coarse. I smiled against them remembering the time Renee tried to talk Bella into getting pedicures. A day at the spa was not something my girl would ever find fun.

I placed the last, feather-light kiss against the top of her foot where her ankle began.

I took a deep breath. Moment of truth, motherfucker. "But I did cry when I lost you."

I cast my eyes to hers once more.

Her eyes swam with tears. For the briefest of seconds I panicked. I hadn't been able to touch Bella in this way since we were teenagers. She was always reduced to tears and terror whenever I did touch her.

To see her on the verge of tears was damaging my control.

I would not force myself on her.

Her choice.

But I could be there for her if she needed to fall apart.

"Please," I mouthed, still too afraid to assert my claim over her without her permission.

She sniffed and a single tear fell, but she nodded her confirmation that it was alright for me to continue.

My chest felt ready to burst and I couldn't contain the smile that split my face as I turned back to her skin.

I opened my mouth and planted wet, slow, lingering kisses along her calves. I kissed and nipped at the flesh of her knees.

Bella's breath hitched again and the music in my mind swelled. My hands roamed up her sides, stopping momentarily to caress her belly button and moved up to her breasts.

I massaged her sensitive flesh with my hands as my lips moved to her inner thighs. I could smell her arousal.

My eyes rolled back in my head. Fuck. She wanted me.

She needed me.

My eyes shot quickly back to hers. Please, Bella, I need to taste you. Please don't be too freaked out.

My fingers tweaked her already hardened nipples, and she bit her lip hard and all but begged me with her eyes for me to do exactly what I wanted to do.

I groaned.

This is about her, Edward. Try to not fucking cum all over the sheets while you suck her sweet pussy. That is not the memory I want to make tonight.

I nudged her legs further apart with my shoulders and let my nose run along the inside of her thigh to her soft dusting of hair covering her pussy.

Some primal programming in me was fucking flying at the sight of that hair. She didn't keep her skin clear—that meant she didn't show this spot of her body to anyone else.

That this pussy was still all mine.

I half growled, half purred as I nuzzled the soft hair in front of me. Fuck… she was all woman. The hard part of my body ached to join with this most delicate soft of hers.

I kept massaging and teasing one of her breasts as I brought my other hand down to her center, and spread her open for me.

Fuck.

She was dripping wet. My cock twitched against the fruity flower-covered bed spread.

I just needed…wanted… Fuck… I wanted to impale myself deep inside of her.

Not about you, asshole.

Right. I shook my head and brought my lips to her clit. She sounded like a kitten at the meeting of my lips to her sensitive bud.

She was mewling. Fuck, this woman would be the end of me.

I focused my attention on her clit. Licking. Biting. Teasing.

Always fucking teasing.

Bella and I seemed to do nothing but tease each other.

Fuck that.

I pushed two fingers into her. So wet, so fucking tight and warm.

She said nothing… but she was anything but quiet.

And she was anything but still.

Bella came to life under my lips and fingers. She writhed, bringing her hips up to me my face and fingers as I worked her closer and closer to her release.

Her breaths were heaving and she started slamming her pussy harder against me, seeking a friction that was so intense even I felt there was no way I could hold out much longer.

This was not the slow show of intimacy and gentleness that I knew she needed right now. But obviously my Bella needed something more than gentle to reach that peak.

She clamped her legs tight around my shoulders as her walls constricted around my fingers and I continued to lap her sweets juices as she came.

I eased my face back and watched her as she rode out her pleasure.

Nothing was ever more beautiful than my Bella. Unless, of course, that image was my Bella coming.

"Please, Edward," she pleaded, her eyes closed and her body covered in a faint layer of sweat. Fuck, she looked amazing.

My cock was damn near ready to explode.

"Please what?" I panted. I clenched my jaw to keep my control. Maybe if I spent a few minutes alone in the bathroom.

"Fuck me," she whispered.

I didn't think. I just did.

I was between her legs and sliding my cock into her already teased pussy before I could talk myself out of it.

She hissed at the sudden joining.

Then I instantly regretted what I had done.

This was it.

She was going to fucking flip out from this. Right now.

Just as Edward was about to finally get his.

I started to move back, but she wrapped her legs around me. "No," she whispered.

I looked deep into her emerald eyes. Did she really mean it this time?

"Please," she breathed, leaning forward and claiming my lips with hers.

I groaned, closing my eyes and giving myself over to the sensations.

I wouldn't last long. It didn't fucking matter. This was never about me. And she had already gotten hers.

I ceased being a thoughtful guy and turned into a hormonal fucking asshole. I just wanted to feel it. What the hell did it feel like… the way she just looked now? How did that feel.

I started thrusting faster, harder, a pace that matched the frantic need that Bella had shown me a moment ago.

I might have dreamed it, my brain was fucking fuzzy and my entire body was tingling but I could have sworn that I heard her whisper that she loved me.

The rest—was pleasure so fucking violent it was nearly painful. I felt myself drain into her and I collapsed on to her body.

I was a heaving, sweating, mess of a human being, but happy and content for the first fucking time in my life.

I closed my eyes and cuddled her close. Falling asleep without another word or look, my head resting on her chest.

Her heartbeat fueling the notes of the music dancing in my dreams.

Fuck. That was awesome.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (next morning, hotel room)

I moaned as the light of morning peeked through my slightly raised, sleep heavy eyelids.

Every inch of my body ached.

And then just as suddenly as I had felt the pain, every inch of my body felt light with pure ecstasy.

Edward.

I was in his bed.

He had—made love to me last night.

I gasped, sitting up and flinging my arms out to my sides to steady myself.

I blinked the exhaustion from my eyes and scanned the room.

Where was he? "Edward?" I called quietly, worried that last night might have just been a dream.

An impossible and perfect dream.

There was no sound but my breathing in the room.

"Edward?" I asked again.

Nothing.

I felt something poking me under my left hand. It was small but offensively hard, annoyingly biting into the soft flesh of my palm.

I didn't ask for Edward again as I moved my hand.

I knew without any doubt that last night had been real.

That Edward had made love to me and held me and brought me back to life at the very moment I truly felt myself dying.

I knew that he would never move on, just as I would never move on.

But I also knew why I was all alone this morning.

I picked up the engagement ring that I had accepted from Mike eight days ago.

And slid it back on the finger of my left hand.

The most alone that I had ever felt in my life.

And that was a fucking lot.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (hospital)

I had been wandering around all day.

Just drowning in my thoughts.

What the hell did you do, moron? What were you fucking trying to prove? She's engaged!

She's not yours to want to touch.

You fucked up…yet again.

I knew it was fucking wrong to leave her alone this morning. But…FUCK… what else could I do? Now was not the time to have a fight with Bella.

And sitting her down and asking the questions that I've been collecting for the last five years would lead to a fight with Bella.

We had never had a discussion that didn't include the passion of our shared stubborn personalities. We would fight.

I couldn't fight with her right now.

There was a bigger part of my ego that really just wanted to go back to the bed and find that raw moment of bliss once more. To see her cum like that over and over again and to feel my own release and give her that shared power over my body.

But for right now, she had Mike to pull her through.

Fucking lucky dickhead.

I wandered the halls, avoiding the waiting room just a few steps from Charlie's room. I couldn't be away from her, but I couldn't stand in that room and see Mike's arms around her either.

I turned down the hall and found that I was not alone. I heard a faint crying. I searched the darkness and found her sitting in the corner. Fetal and fucking sobbing.

"Vanessa?" I asked quietly. I had maybe seen the girl twice in her entire life. Bella hated her, hated everything about her. So I had spent most of my life simply doing the same. I saw something of that broken woman in my bed last night shaking in this sad girl now. They were sisters whether Bella wanted to accept that or not. They were both Charlie's daughters and I would embrace that for her if she didn't have the strength to do it herself right now.

I couldn't be near Bella at the moment, but I could comfort Nessie.

The girl caught her breath and wiped the tears from her face frantically when she heard me speak. I scared her—good job dumbass! I smiled wearily. I really just wanted to support someone right now.

"Edward," she acknowledged me with a nod. She knew me?

My eyebrows knitted over the possibility. She laughed quietly. "Everyone knows my sister's boyfriend," she assured me simply. I frowned. That ring I laid next to Bella this morning reminded me that I was far from being her boyfriend. And light-years away from being what I truly wanted to be.

"I haven't been her boyfriend in a very long time." I admitted. I felt my face fall as I said it. There goes my heart again—breaking for Bella.

Nessie laughed again. "I have never really been her sister." It was weird—that fucking Twilight Zone kind of weird. Neither of us really looked at each other. We really didn't talk much after that either. But I slid down and sat against the wall facing her as she continued to cry quietly in the dark.

What did it take to win Bella's love? I had broken her heart deeper and in more profoundly betraying ways than she finding happiness with Mike ever would do to me. But did I ever really have a chance with her? This girl sitting here was proof—anything that reminded Bella of Charlie was doomed from the start. Nessie was his daughter. And I was a man—a man who could be a husband and a father and neither of those things were happy things in Bella's life. Rather she should end up with a guy like Mike who would never be anything but a fucking stand-in—and half-ass. She wouldn't be safe from the hurt if she gave into loving either of us in this hallway because we meant something more. We were the real fucking deal—and it scared her shitless that she would be just like her father when we needed her. Scared that when the chips were down, she would fuck up. And that broke her heart and crippled her from loving anyone else.

I had learned that lesson, too. But I had Bella to get me through mine. Then I broke her fucking heart. Now she felt all alone. Fuck.

I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes. "Vanessa," a nurse was calling from the end of the hallway. "They are turning the machines off now."

Fuck.

Nessie left me without a word and I clenched my fists tight once I was all alone. I wanted to scream. My mouth opened wide but no sound came out. Every muscle in my body tightened up at the thought of the pain she would be in right now. But that was nothing compared to the pain I was in sitting here without her. I wanted to be in there. I had to be in there.

I collapsed back against the wall—wasted. Spent. Drained. My entire fucking body felt like shit.

Bella. Bella. Bella.

Fuck!

I stood up without thinking. I just fucking acted. Fuck the consequences. Newton was not going to fucking be the one she cried on right now. I was hers. She was mine. I would find a way to fucking make her see that some day! But today I would just fucking take the hit—she needed me.

My feet couldn't move fast enough. Nessie was only half way there when I passed her. I had to be there. Had to see her. Had to give her my shoulder.

I pushed open the door and my heart stopped. Bella wasn't there. Mike stood by Renee—holding her hand and telling her words of support. Runny was sitting on the other side of Charlie holding his hand and tears were silently falling down his cheeks. Nessie pushed her was in past me and glared. I didn't belong here now.

I fell back out of the room. My mind was fucking disconnected from my body. Where was she? The way she was last night—the utter depression and despair that she kept going back to when I wasn't touching her… what the fuck was she doing right now? How the fuck could Mike let her out of his sight?

I just kept seeing Bella's almost dead body all those years ago in La Push. Saw the way her face looked when it died for that millisecond in the darkness. Thought about how fucking hard I would fall if I found her even remotely hurt right now.

FUCK!

"BELLA!" I started yelling. Yes, I was in a hospital. Yes, there were people all around who would want privacy and not some fucking lunatic screaming in the halls but I had to find her.

I like being up here… her words came back to me. Many years ago, back when we used to live in New York, I used to find Bella on the roof of the apartment. It was one of the reasons I wanted to move away from the city. Live in a place with no roof access. She always freaked me the fuck out when I would find her up there. My heart jumped again—this time into my throat. FUCK! The roof is so quiet and peaceful and you feel like you are above it all. You know? Above all the torments—but it also reminds me of how far I can fall…

FUCK!

No Bella! Don't do it baby. I'm coming!

I hit the stairs at a dead sprint. I was fucking gasping and the world was kind of going black every now and then in my vision. I couldn't be too late again! I still didn't know CPR. I was in a fucking hospital and I just had this feeling that I was going to be too late right now…

There were only five floors between me and the roof—Bella! Bella! BELLA!

I burst through the door screaming her name—"BELLA!"

My eyes and ears were not controlled by my mind anymore. They searched faster than I could process. Where was she!

"Edward?" a quiet voice screamed across my mind—I turned to find her sitting in next to the heating unit.

FUCK! Thank you God! Thank you! I will do whatever you want! I will stay the fuck away from her if you just keep her safe! Thank you!

I ran over to her and fell to my knees in front of her. My heart was racing and my breath was not catching in my lungs. My face was covered in tears and my eyes were still swimming. How many times could I survive feeling that I was losing this girl?

"Edward?" Her voice was worried as she took in the sight of me. I just leaned forward and let her catch me with her lips. Mine crushed hers with the force of my love for her.

Yes, I fucked up. But I would never let go of Bella. I possessed by her.

"Kill me now, Bella," I whispered between kisses. It felt so fucking perfect to kiss her. She smelled so fucking appetizing. Last night had been a religious experience. I was worshiping a goddess—my goddess. Her hands were tangled in my hair and we were moaning in unison.

I knew this didn't change anything. I knew that when we left this place I would be climbing in to the Vanquish all alone and she would be getting in to the Volvo with Mike. I knew that in one month I would be attending their wedding and faking a smile. I knew that I had no hope of earning her forgiveness. But I didn't give a flying fuck about that right now.

Right now—she was mine and I was hers. And there was something happening in the hospital below us that was ripping out her heart. I was here to help her through it. In whatever way she needed me.

"No, Edward," she pushed me back, jumping to her feet and heading to the door.

"What… Bella wait!"

I caught up with her and grabbed her arms. The glare that flashed up at me told me we were about to talk. My neck bristled with the truth in front of me.

I was going to fight with Bella.

I hadn't had a decent fight with her since we were teenagers.

"Stay out of this, Cullen," she yelled.

"Don't give me that shit, Swan," I yelled right back.

It was like we had stepped back in time. We picked up the conversation like two very different people. Like the kids we used to be.

"I got my pity fuck last night. I don't need one every second of the day."

I blinked down at her. Pity fuck? Was she fucking serious?

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I was ready to punch something. This woman could rile me up in the shortest amount of time.

"I mean don't come up here and give me some fucking lie about you wanting me." She held up her engagement ring swaddled finger.

The biggest 'Fuck you, Cullen' she could ever had given me.

"You're the one who said yes!'

"Well you're the one who kissed Jane!"

"You're the one who went fucking crazy and never gave me any clues as to why!"

She gasped as I said it. I fucking regretted it the second I said it. I never thought Bella was crazy. I was just fucking mad. Saying stupid shit.

"You… you really want to… Edward.." her face fell and her eyes were hollow with a desolation I needed a fucking clue about.

"What the fuck is it, Bella? Tell me?"

I cupped my hands around her cheeks. She glared at me and something snapped. She balled her hands in my shirt and slammed me back against the heater—thrusting her tongue between my lips and rubbing her thigh against my hardening cock.

Fuck.

"Is this what you want, Bella?" I panted. "Do you want me to fuck you senseless? Right here, right now?"

Her answer was a deep, throaty moan as she arched her neck back and as an invitation for me to take her.

Fuck.

I turned us around, slamming her against the unit and biting her neck hard, marking her flesh.

"Mine," I whispered against her.

She shivered in response.

The adrenaline and fucking high that was spreading through my body from touching her was intoxicating—but it was also refreshing. I was reawakening. Just like I had last night. I was becoming that person I used to be. The guy who could hear the music in the air. The guy who could smell the hint heather in the rain as it was falling to the earth. The scent of Bella- heather and raindrops. I was the guy who had a heart in his chest that actually pulsed with the beat of life.

Bella placed a kiss on my chest above my heart. It fucking pounded for her—leaped at her touch like it would break through my chest and into her hands. I was so fucking desperate for her, it hurt to my very bones. This wasn't making love. This was sex, period. Bella's body and my body—we were one.

She could leave today and be with Mike forever, but she would never feel anything like this.

Fuck.

I kissed her collar bone and worked up to her mouth—planting hard sharp kisses along the way. She was writhing and moaning. She gripped my arms for support and I pulled down her pants and panties. I hitched her leg over my hip.

"Edward." She panted against me lips softly in between long deep kisses. Fuck! My head was swimming. I couldn't remember my fucking name—was it Edward? I hoped so. She seemed to like that name. I would love for her to like my name.

Fuck!

My cock twitched to be inside of her. My body was throbbing to possess her.

She was everything.

I was a primal fucking animal when her eyes met mine. Fuck. There was no sadness left in their depths. Just a peace—an abiding stillness that told me she was going to be okay. That part of me that went insane while running up the stairs was calmed by that knowledge. She ran her hand tenderly down my cheek. A fire ignited in the emerald depths of her eyes.

"Fuck me," she mouthed.

Fuck yah.

I growled as I let the animal out. I tore her shirt apart. Her breasts were so flawless. My lips ached to touch every piece of her body—like they had last night. But right now was about fucking, about good, hard sex. Love had already come—and it would return again. Right now I was going to make her forget her name.

My teeth closed sharp around her nipple. She tasted sweeter than any delicacy I had ever had between my lips. I sucked harder and her cries were growing louder.

Would someone come to see what we were doing up here? I hoped not. I really didn't want to stop.

She was nude and hot and throbbing just like me in no time. My fingers dipped inside her as I continued to play with her breasts using my tongue and my teeth.

Her wetness on my fingertips pushed me over the edge. She arched her hips to my touch and a breathless moan was torn from her chest.

My still trapped cock was stretching my pants.

I raised my eyes to meet hers once more.

The world stopped around us. For a second I really wished I had just ran after her and forced my ring on her finger. That I had just waited and she would have come back to me. Five wasted years of hell. A future of hell before us. Fuck.

"I love you," I said with the intense sincerity that was pulsing in my chest. "Forgive me?" How the fuck my mind was working enough to even talk and not just grunt was beyond me.

She was having a harder time of it—my fingers never ceased their movements between her thighs. She was squirming and whimpering and her eyes would occasionally roll back in her head.

"I…" she panted and closed her eyes for a second. Her mouth popped open, and I was aroused even more as I saw the pleasure melting over every inch of her beautiful face. I was doing that to her. Only me. Newton didn't have that on me.

"There's nothing to forgive," she whispered. I was soaring as I looked into her eyes. The severe emotion in their depths stole my breath.

"I have and will always love you."

Fuck.

It didn't change anything but it had to be said. I nodded and captured her lips with mine once more. We were carnal fucking beasts after that.

Our teeth knocked together as our kisses deepened so hard and so deep it was like we were trying to devour each other.

I pulled my dick free of my pants and when I finally moved between her legs I felt like a mortal trying to ride a goddess. It was almost painful to enter her. I tried to savor every little inch of how she felt around me. I just knew this would be the last fucking time I would be allowed to do this. I closed my eyes to the agonizing truth.

Fuck. I felt complete with her around me.

I would never fit anywhere else the way I fit right there. I belonged there—with her. In her.

I opened my eyes and she was crying. Silently. Lovingly. She nodded and reached for me. I pounded our bodies against that heater on the rooftop in the mid-morning light.

Life would not be worth living after this. I was tasting heaven. Really living a fantasy. Everything would pale in comparison. Food would be tasteless. Colors would fade of any brilliance. And the air itself would come stale and hot into my lungs.

Our pace was hard and eager. Not chaotic but far from gentle.

When we climaxed, it was sharp and loud and as one.

I collapsed against her—spent, satisfied and fucking shaking. Some part of me had been displaced. It was forever inside of her. Just like the first time I entered her, the last time made me feel like she had taken my very soul and it would forever live on inside of her—outside of me.

The air was deathly still. I could tell that the one answer I had been waiting for was about to come out. My heart pounded in my throat. My mouth was dry.

She took a deep breath, clingy to me like I would evaporate in to the air. She kept her face hidden, turned from me as she spoke.

"I was pregnant," she whispered.

Her arms were around me—her gentle hands stroking my back in loving circles.

I didn't move—didn't dare breathe.

What was she telling me?

What did this mean?

"When they sent you away…" There were tears in her voice. Her words cracked and my arms squeezed tighter around her in an automatic response. My heart sped as I began to understand.

"When you had to go back to live with Tanya, I was pregnant. I didn't know…. I was so scared… and then… oh god… Ed.." She was shaking. I could hear the terror in her voice. I couldn't pull my thoughts together fast enough to speak.

Holy fucking hell! She had… I had… Was pregnant?

What happened to the baby?

Sobs so violent that I thought my heart was being stabbed each time I heard them, wrenched from her chest. She was pregnant—with my child. She was pregnant… was?

"What happened?" I asked already guessing, but having to help her through this. My heart was cracking into a million pieces. She was pregnant—we were going to have a child… and they fucking kept me from her. Kept me from protecting her and taking care of her.

Fuck. My chest was constricting.

"I lost it…our baby."

Fuck! An image of my mother plainly telling me that her baby was lost crashed into my head. But Bella wasn't calling this child a baby—the way Bella said our baby, it was not just something in her stomach. Our baby was our hope, our light. The biggest fucking responsibility that she had had to bear on her very young shoulders—our burden to share but hers to bear.

"I never even got to see what it was—girl or boy. But it was ours. And I wasn't… strong enough." Her breath hitched and I tightened my arms around her. I rocked her and soothed her with my hands and gentle caresses.

"Shh..." I told her over and over. I was sobbing with her now. Fuck! Every single insane moment from the second I returned to her made perfect sense. Bella looking half-dead in the tree house. Bella screaming in her sleep. Bella jumping every time I touched her. No wonder she had been terrified of sex back then. She was afraid of getting pregnant again—fucking scared that she would let me down. Fuck!

I still had no words.

I was angry.

But mostly… I was lost. How the fuck had she survived so long with this secret?

Then it hit me… she hadn't done it alone.

Jazz. She had turned to him for help. Which meant Alice knew too.

Fuck. She trusted everyone with this secret but me.

It was my kid, too. And… she trusted them to help her.

Fuck.

Newton. Did she tell that rat bastard when she never told me?

Suddenly, I wasn't so interested in consoling her.

I pushed her back. She stood there, naked and exposed and covered in tears of a loss she was never going to tell me about.

"They're turning off the machines now," I informed her in a detached voice. I was robotic and stiff. I zipped up my pants and turned toward the door.

"Edward," she croaked. I couldn't do it.

I had done it for so long for her. Waited for her. Held her. Loved her.

She would never trust me.

I headed to the stair way. Fucking ready to just have the earth open up and swallow me whole.

I was a fucking father. She was carrying my kid and she never fucking told me.

Every minute of my life for the last ten years had been a lie.

I got to the end of the first flight of metal stairs and fell to my knees. Pain, more acute than the night Ed beat me with his baseball bat, ripped through my chest.

What fucking hell had she gone through?

And I was selfish enough to think she was terrified of me.

While all the while she was terrified of herself.

"Don't you fucking leave me now, Cullen," she threatened from above me. I closed my eyes and rocked as wave after wave of grief hit me.

I mourned for a loss of innocence that neither of us could ever get back.

I had been such an ass, and for so long.

"Forgive me, Bella, forgive me… I didn't know…"

Her hands were on my shoulders. Her lips touched my temple. "Forgive me, Edward… please.."

"Bella!" Emmett's voice boomed up the stairwell. "You get your ass down here now!"

Fuck.

Charlie.

"I've gotta go."

She ran down the stairs without another word.

I just sat there. Rocking, crying, and at a fucking loss for what to do next.

I pulled out my phone.

"She was pregnant."

"Hello to you too, Edward," Erebos said sardonically. "What can I help you with?"