Bookends

by Bella'sExecutioner

AH/AU Edward and Bella are two lost souls in a sea of lost souls… but love conquers all. Right? Rated M for harsh language/Lemons/Slash/mature content/Drug Use. The story spans the lives of these characters.

33. I'm empty and aching

Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 33: I'm empty and aching

-**-Bookends-**-

"Kathy I'm lost, I said though I knew she was sleeping. I'm empty and aching and I don't know why." (America, Paul Simon)

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (two days later, Swan residence, night before Charlie's funeral)

I flipped on the laptop perched on my desk, in my old room.

My chest was heavy and my shoulders felt like something was squeezing every muscle in them with a vise.

My head had finally stopped throbbing, thank God, but now it just felt empty. No matter how hard I tried to think about something, I just felt like I was stumbling around in circles and missing the location of the knowledge locked away inside my head.

He was gone.

He was dead.

The password prompt screen came up and I stared at the blinking cursor for entirely too long. I took a deep breath and was relieved that my fingers remembered the word.

My brain was beyond the task of keeping names for the moment.

It wasn't raining. My eyes gazed out the window and watched the backyard, seeing nothing.

I could hear the little whirl of the fan inside the laptop turning quietly to keep the device from overheating. Other than that, there was no sound in the house.

Em and Rose opted to stay with Esme and Carlisle for the night. Em told me the day they shut off the machines that he had no need to step foot in this house again.

I couldn't blame him. It was scary being here now.

I positioned the mouse over the icon for my emails and double-clicked. All automated functions in my muscle memory. Thank whatever divine entity responsible for that.

In the few seconds it took for the screen to load I questioned fate—religion. Where did you go after your body stopped living?

Did I believe in heaven?

And if I did, did that mean I also gave permission for a hell to exist?

There were four unread messages in my inbox. Two were from online stores with coupons for purchases I didn't intend to make. I deleted them immediately—ending their purpose before giving them a chance to affect my life.

The next one was from my editor. Bella, haven't heard from you in a week. I hope everything is well. Please let me know how the new chapters are coming along.

I clicked on the message and saved it under my 'letters from my editor' file. I'd write to her later. I didn't have words at the moment.

None.

I couldn't hope to respond to her now.

The last note was from Alice, reminding me what time to get to the cemetery tomorrow. Telling me to just come over and stay with her and Jazz tonight so that I wasn't alone. And promising that she would always love me.

I rolled my eyes and pulled a post-it pad from my laptop case, writing down the time that I needed to leave the house. I stuck the note on the shade of the desk lamp. The paper was bright pink. I figured there was no way I would miss it.

I shut my computer down without a second thought. There was nothing else I needed or wanted to do with it at the moment.

Writing something right now felt like a burden. Too many thoughts were swirling around in my head.

Focusing on any one would just make my head explode from the gridlock it would create with the others thoughts.

I rose from the chair and stood in the middle of the room.

Nothing to do. It was only seven. That meant I had eleven hours before I even had to get up and start getting ready. Thirteen hours before I was due at the lawyer's office. Fifteen hours before the service would begin.

The service.

The funeral.

He was dead.

Dead.

I felt my arms squeeze around me. I didn't remember putting them there.

I sighed and headed down to the kitchen. I hadn't eaten all day. I frankly couldn't remember eating at all since Mike and I were in the diner having burgers almost a week ago.

I headed straight to the refrigerator, still on autopilot.

I search the contents of the fridge. Wine. Some fruit. Butter. Eggs. Take out box from a local Chinese food place.

Nothing I wanted to eat.

I opened the freezer, hoping maybe there would be a frozen pizza or something to hold me over till morning.

Frozen salmon. Frozen steak. Ice trays.

Nothing much up there.

I considered the steak, but…it seemed too expensive to have without permission.

I closed the freezer not dwelling on the thoughts that bubbled up. There was no longer a need for permission. And the food would only go to waste. What would happen to the food?

What would happen to any of it?

We met with the lawyer in the morning to discuss the estate and his will. But…who was responsible for cleaning out the fridge? Who did that now?

Charlie had no one.

This was nobody's house now.

I still didn't feel right eating the food.

I shivered and picked up the phone. I dialed the nearest pizza place and ordered something basic.

I sat on one of the stools next to the island in the center of the kitchen. Waiting.

This place was dead silent now.

I tried to remember what kind of noise filled the house when I used to stay here. Renee singing to some song playing on the radio. Maybe the sound of food sizzling in pans on the stove. Emmett telling Charlie about football practice.

I wondered if this was what it was like for Charlie after Renee left.

Empty.

I ate the pizza in the kitchen. There was a little voice, one that sounded like Emmett, in my head telling me to take a slice and walk around with it. Eat in the living room on the expensive furniture. Take the pie up to my room and eat on my two thousand dollar bed.

But I just…couldn't. The rule was you ate in the kitchen or at the dining room table. I didn't see any point in eating anywhere else.

Eating killed an hour. Now it was eight o'clock and I was restless. I had sleeping pills in my purse. Alec had prescribed them to me for years now. It was nearly impossible, even now, for me to sleep without Edward in my bed.

I never used the pills. I just wore myself out past the point of exhaustion and passed out. But I always made sure to have them on hand in case of emergencies.

I was afraid that tonight I would need them.

My body was screaming at me that there was absolutely no way we could relax and find rest in this empty, scary house.

Why in the hell hadn't I just stayed with Alice?

I wanted desperately to drive to his room and seek comfort in his arms. But that would be yet another selfish move. He was some drug to me that masked the pain. It wasn't fair to him for me to keep taking what he offered without giving him anything in return.

I had no words for him right now either. There had been one thing after another diverting me from talking to him since the rooftop.

Since…

I pulled out my phone. He would be at home. He wouldn't mind the phone call but I would feel horrible for calling anyway.

That didn't stop me.

I scrolled through the numbers, selecting the second most used one in my contacts list.

"Bella," his voice was calm as he answered. It was only eight o'clock after all. It's not like I was waking him up in bed.

"Did Jazz call you?" I learned a long time ago that beating around any kind of bush with Alec was pointless. I didn't bullshit around with greetings and stuff with him. I just cut straight through to the point.

Lucky for me, Alec was okay with that.

"Yes, he did. I was hoping to hear from you. I was going to call and have you set up an appointment for next week. But I wanted to give you space to… grieve."

I gave a very unladylike snort into the phone. "Yah… grieve."

I could hear his frown before I heard his slow intake of breath.

He let that comment slide. "What is it you want to talk about?"

Clearly, not Daddy dearest. Not tonight at least.

"I… I've had a few breakthroughs this week." I tried to figure out how to ask what I wanted to ask without having to give him some detailed account of my reunion with Edward.

He paused, silent and patient for me to continue when I was ready.

"Edward came back."

"Yes, Jazz told me that his brother was in Victoria with you."

I nodded sarcastically at the device in my hand. Telling me that you know what I'm saying is the truth is not what I want right now.

"Well… he found me in the hospital when he got here…"

"Found you?" he cut in, stopping me from my short little tale that I was about to spin.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. Found."

"Were you hiding?"

I wanted to groan. Alec couldn't just let me skip over this shit. I really wanted to jump to the end, but now he was getting me to drag my feet.

"I… I guess… I… I didn't want to go into the room. Not just yet… when I got here. I wasn't ready to see him…like that."

"I see."

I huffed and jumped to the next moment in the story. "Anyway… I was sitting alone in a waiting room."

"Which waiting room?"

Motherfucking hell! "A waiting room!" I shouted.

There was silence for a few beats. He was giving me time to calm down. When he believed I had had enough, he continued. "Where was the waiting room? Was it on the floor with Charlie's room? Can you remember where you ended up?"

Like opening a tiny doorway in my brain, I could see. I remembered getting on the elevator in a stupor. Riding it until it stopped and getting off. I could hear the babies crying. Nothing else. I couldn't even tell you if there was a nurse at the front desk of the floor when I got there. I just wandered into the waiting room and sat there.

Alone.

In the dark.

"Maternity," I whispered.

"I see."

I glared at the receiver and pressed on. "He found me there. Woke me up. And took me downstairs."

"So you were asleep?"

"No. I was… trapped."

I shifted in my seat. I had to keep chanting inside my head that I could trust this man. That by telling him that I felt trapped, he would help me find a way to never feel like that again.

My knee started jumping and my heart was beating faster.

I was terrified to admit this to him.

"I see."

That's all he ever said during our sessions. It was his way of offering assurance that he was looking at it my way. We were discussing this through my perspective first. But I always knew there was more behind it. And that he would tell me his side after I was done.

"So, long story short," I offered and he chuckled. "I ended up here for the night."

"Here?"

"Oh, right… Charlie's house."

"Your childhood home."

It wasn't a question and that offended me. No. My childhood home was in Forks. This was Charlie Swan's house.

"No."

"Yes."

"How do you figure that?"

"You were born in Victoria, Bella. You lived the first year of your life there. It was your first home."

I wanted to smash the phone in to a million pieces and then put it in the blender and hit pulp. This tomb was never a home to me.

"Whatever," I mumbled, not interested in a fight right now. "I stayed here that night… mostly… I ended up…"

"Going to see Edward," he finished. I nodded silently.

Like a fucking junkie to her addiction.

"How did that work out for you?"

The matter of fact way that he said it made me laugh. How did it work out for me? Well… I no longer had to question the validity of my loss of my V-card.

"We had sex."

"I see."

There were stones going up suddenly in my head. A wall being built around what happened in that hotel room that night. It was private and intimate. I had never truly felt loved until I felt his lips on my toes. Heard his words of confession.

He only cried when he lost me.

I felt tears welling in my eyes at just the memory of his eyes when he told me that. I hadn't been remotely moved to tears in the hospital the other day. When… Charlie passed away.

"He left in the morning, without saying goodbye. Left my engagement ring as his only answer as to why he left."

"Do you blame him for this, Bella? Feel anger towards him?"

"Well… I wasn't happy."

"With Edward? With Bella? Or with the ring?"

I thought about it. I was angry at everyone. Angry that I couldn't turn back the clock to that first time Edward came here and found me. To find those two kids and tell them all the right fucking things to do and not end up becoming us one day.

"Me."

"I see."

"So the next day… I was alone at the hospital again."

"Hmmm."

I rolled my eyes and ignored him. "And Edward comes running up on the roof, screaming like he thinks I'm going to jump off to my doom."

"We've talked about your suicidal thoughts in New York, Bella. I think he has a valid reason to fear you on roofs… why were you on the roof?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "The waiting rooms were all full."

"I see."

I put my hand on the granite counter top in front of me. I imagined taking a sledge hammer to the damn black stone. Everything in this house was expensive, but it was all worthless.

I ran my finger over a swirl of gold flecks in the stone.

"I told him."

The reason I loved having Alec as my shrink was this… he didn't need to be told something twice. He knew we were talking about Edward. And he knew there was only one damn thing I needed to tell Edward.

Silence.

"He begged me for forgiveness…." A tear escaped my eye and slid down to my upper lip.

"Did I kill it?" I whispered.

I heard him take a deep, slow breath.

This was not a new question. In fact, for a very long time it was the only thing I ever said to him. I used to sit in his office just rocking and chanting those four words over and over.

"It?" he played dumb as he always did.

"My baby," I amended. It was not an 'it', it was a child, Edward's and my child.

"We've discussed this before."

"I recall a time when you used to sugarcoat it for me."

"You know there was a time when my mother used to wipe my ass, too, Bella."

I laughed. He had a point.

"How do… what do …"

"Let him mourn this loss as you have, Bella. You protected yourself. I don't believe that Edward will hold that against you. But don't deny him the closure you have found. Let him say goodbye to the ideal that was your child as well."

I nodded. "Take him to the grave."

"Yes. Let him pay his respects for what he lost. Just as you lost a child, so did he. And never forget, Bella, he lost you, as well. He lost the girl who was innocent and who didn't know what death felt like. Let him find closure in that, too."

More tears silently joined the first and now my entire upper lip was moist.

"Okay."

"Are you staying in that house tonight?"

I looked around the kitchen. The big, empty space didn't scare me like it did when I was a kid. It was no Holiday Inn, but I could sleep here tonight.

"Yah."

"Alone?"

The way he said it… the tone… maybe the fact that I had been picturing Charlie here alone with no one to clean out his freezer… just didn't sit right with me.

"Yep."

"Well, have a good night, Bella. And don't hesitate to call me if you need to talk."

I nodded, running my hand over my lip to clear away the stray tears. "Thank you, Alec. Just… put it on my tab."

He laughed and said good night again.

Once I hung up, I stood in the entry way and listened.

Alone.

It was echoing in my mind now.

Just like Charlie, Bella.

No. I had people in my life. I had… Mike. Alice. Jazz. Mom. Carlisle. Emmett and Rose.

Edward.

I was not alone. Just right here, right now. But not forever.

Your childhood home… your first home.

Those words came back with a vengeance. This place was never a home to anyone.

Not even Charlie.

I walked into the bathroom on the second floor, pulling open the top drawer. It was empty but for cotton swabs and his nose hair clipper.

I used to keep extra hair bands in that drawer. It would bug the shit out of me every June. They would all be gone, thrown away. And I would have to put a new supply in the drawer for the length of my stay.

No matter how many times that he did it, I never took the hair bands with me when we left for Forks at the end of summer. Yes. I was pretty positive that he was going to throw them out. Yes. I knew that I would be royally pissed off when I came back here and found them gone. But I still held out hope. That this time he would see them in there and remember that they belonged to me.

Would want to do something for his daughter and just keep a part of her intact in this house.

I slammed the drawer shut.

Why was I still just as fucking hopeful to find at least one hair tie in that fucking drawer?

I walked slowly down the hall, passing Charlie's room with heavy footsteps.

Once.

I had only ever been in his room once. And I couldn't remember it. I was a baby. Mom said I slept in the nursery, and she had a bed in there where she slept, while nursing me at night. The night she left him, she took me into this bedroom while she packed.

I had no idea what was on the other side of the door.

My mom's room was like a second room to me. I borrowed her shoes and clothes. I sat on her bed while she got dressed for an evening out. I confided secrets to her in there and knew that I was always welcome to be in her space.

That was not the case with Charlie.

I opened the door. It creaked with a sound that told just how old this house was. I stood in the doorway - watching the shadows playing along his bedspread.

I found the light switch and the room was lit up, but still very dark to me. I didn't recognize anything in his room. The furniture matched the rest of the house. It looked expensive and uncomfortable.

There was a picture on his bedside table - Renee and her two kids. There was no picture of Em and me anywhere.

I pulled open the top drawer of his dresser. I always found drawers to be fascinating windows into people's lives. What you wanted to keep but not have people see.

Socks.

I reached out a finger and touched one black, wool sock. I closed the drawer.

I shuffled over to the bed. It was hard under my weight. It didn't seem at all comfortable like the luxury mattresses on the beds in my and Em's rooms.

I reached over and opened the nightstand drawer.

Reading glasses. Tums. Kleenex.

That was all.

I frowned, standing abruptly and heading downstairs. I pushed open the door to the only other room I had never really set foot in, Charlie's office.

My father spent every second that he wasn't at work in this office. He missed out on meals with his kids, movies on the couch with his family and so many other moments just so that he could be in this room.

This room, what it held, was the most important space in his world.

The walls were bare. There was a single bookcase that held binders with what looked like important information for his business. There was a small cabinet for file folders near his desk and a small lamp on top of his desk.

That was it.

No pictures of family.

No mementos of trips.

No signs that this man had a life outside of this room.

I sat in his chair and pulled out the top drawer. My hands were shaking and I could feel tears welling up again.

Empty.

Why wasn't there something there!

Where the fuck did I exist in this house?

I put my elbows on the desk and my face in my hands, tears spilling on to my cheeks that I didn't fully understand.

I wasn't here.

I was his daughter, but I wasn't a part of his life.

The one place he wanted to be… and I wasn't invited to be there with him.

A strangled cry pulled from my chest.

What the fuck was I hoping for?

Why did I still have any hope in me at all?

Hadn't he driven that from me long ago? Hadn't he proven time and time again that I couldn't trust him to give a shit about me?

I wasn't here.

Alone.

Charlie might have been alone here… but I was just… a ghost.

I pulled the drawer out completely, shoved my hand in the open space. Was there something… anything? A note. A misplaced hair band.

Something that told me he gave a fuck about me.

Something that promised me that I had actually lived in this fucking house at some point in my life. Called this my first home.

I couldn't find it.

Nothing.

Empty.

Alone.

I wasn't here. I didn't mean a goddamn thing to this man.

I blinked back tears that hadn't fallen when I watched his chest stop moving.

I was a selfish fucking bitch.

I didn't cry when he left me… not this time. This time I felt like him leaving was finally a peace to my fears.

But now… sitting here… I was some scared little girl sitting on her porch and begging her daddy to love her.

Just this once… Prove to me that you fucking loved me, Charlie!

Just this once…Make me feel like I'm not something you tolerate for a minute and then throw away when no longer find a use for me.

It was stupid. I was stupid. I couldn't believe that I still had a piece of heart left for that bastard to break. But there it was. There I was… wishing like some dumbfuck kid that maybe he was distant all of my life because he just didn't know how to talk to me.

That he secretly loved me. That he secretly was proud of me and wanted me.

And once I was in here… I would find those secrets and I'd finally feel… complete?

I kicked the drawer, my vision blurred from the raging tears.

I packed up my stuff and loaded up the Volvo.

And I slept in the car.

-**-Bookends-**-

I awoke to a light tapping sound. For a second, I was lost in a dream of being wrapped his Edward's warm embrace. Feeling his strong arms shielding me from the dark emptiness beyond his body.

The solid knock freaked me the fuck out.

I shrieked and started, waking up in the driver's seat of my car and noticing that the dash read two a.m.

I screamed again when I came face to face with eyes at the window I had been resting my head on.

Mike.

"Bella!" he yelled.

I nodded. I had forgotten that Mike was coming in early tonight. I reached over and pulled out the house key.

I took a deep, steadying breath and exited the car.

"Hey, B," he whispered. He leaned it to give me a kiss and I put my hands up.

"Hi, Mike," I said through a still thick layer of sleepy fog in my voice.

I watched the house behind him. I would need to get ready for the funeral. I grabbed what I needed from the car and turned back to him.

There was no fucking way I was marrying Mike Newton.

That was that.

My mother had married her Mike Newton. I'd be damned if ever ended up with a black hole of a "home" one day because I followed in her footsteps.

"We need to talk."

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (the next day, Charlie's funeral)

My dress shoes made a light tapping sound on the stones in the courtyard.

Typical. Charles Swan wasn't buried in some plain old graveyard. Nor was he placed in a general hole in the ground. He was being placed in the Volterra family crypt.

Creepy.

I leaned against the tree on the other side of the entrance and pulled out my last cigarette. I inhaled the smoke with one long pull, exhaling with a sigh.

Fuck.

I could hear Newton yucking it up with the family Swan. Fucking prick. Bella wouldn't be caught dead wanting anything to do with those assholes.

I didn't look over to find her… just yet. I had watched her with cautious eyes throughout the ceremony. Every damn time I tried to talk to her since that moment on the roof, we were interrupted.

No. Not interrupted, just denied any access to each other at all. She was sequestered by Renee for receiving relatives duty for a day and a half. And this morning was their meeting with the lawyers concerning the will.

She would cast me looks—wide eyes that pleaded. Worried glances of fear. And sad looks of loss.

I spent the last two nights sitting on the floor by the door in my hotel room. Just waiting. Hoping. Wishing that she would just show up.

I didn't have to talk to her. I just had to touch her. Hold her.

Talking would come later. Right now… Fuck, my world felt like it was turned inside out. Everything was the same and yet all of it was different.

Every single breath she took had a different meaning to me now. I was still confused. And fucking frustrated and angry.

But I craved her. I had ripped the fucking band aid off. Only Bella could heal my wounds now.

I knew she needed me, too. That secret was a darkness swirling around her soul for too long. I had to find a way to let some light back in.

The rest of that shit would just work itself out.

This was not some fucking Buddha peace and acceptance bullshit that came naturally to me. I had experienced a few revelations over the last three days.

Jazz and I had a heart to fist yesterday. He actually laughed his ass off after I connected the first swing with his cheek. He fell on his butt and just cackled like he'd lost his damn mind.

"You have no idea how much of a relief it is for me that you know, Edward," he said through tears and more dark chuckles.

"Kick the shit out of me, I deserve it. But know that I did everything I ever did to protect her. Just like I promised you I would."

I couldn't fight that shit.

I just joined him on the ground, looking like a fucking moron and scowling as he continued to go insane. Eventually we talked. He told me about that night, from his perspective. Told me about her life from the second I left for Seattle.

My heart grew heavier as I pictured Bella falling deeper into her worries and fears. And then my heart broke at the fact that she would blame herself for all of this.

Not just for losing our baby, but for getting pregnant in the first place.

Even Jazz looked at me curiously when I mentioned it. I didn't press the fact and just shined him on when he brought it up this morning. But Bella took that blue pill. She nearly fucking died that night because of a mistake she made.

And she would believe that led us here. Led us down a path of destruction that would slowly kill us for ten years.

I shook my head and put my cigarette between my lips. I never would have been this…understanding before. I never would have had the strength to stop and think without reacting first before.

Erebos.

I called him from the hospital, and he helped me work this out. A decade of uncertainty melted away at the truth that Bella had been fighting only one enemy all of this time.

Herself.

She blamed herself for everything. And no matter how hard she tried to convince her mind that she could pretend to be what I needed, she was doomed to undermine any happiness she might have had with me.

She didn't believe she deserved it.

How wrong she was.

"I told you, Edward," he reminded me. "Neither of you have ever loved yourselves. And that poor girl had no foundation to stand on when her world crumbled down."

"She had me." I knew it was an empty promise. I was a kid who had wanted to protect her, but had no real means to support her.

"And she still does."

I took a deep drag of my smoke. I had learned to love me… with Bella removed from the picture. Bella's love would provide a fulfillment of another need in me, but I could find something of myself to love without the promise of her devotion. Likewise, my being granted the right to love Bella, truly love her and devote myself to her, would complete me in almost every other way.

Bella could not love anything until she believed that Bella deserved any love herself.

I sighed at the challenge ahead.

I was not afraid of the fight. I was ready for the long haul. I just worried for her pain in the face of the mountain ahead of us.

Jazz told me she had come a long way in accepting herself. She was more confident and that her relationship with Mike helped give her purpose and belief in herself.

But there was a giant white elephant in her room right now. Well… he was more in the crypt than in her room. But he was sucking away all sense of self-worth she might have built up.

It was up to me to make her see the potential in her.

I watched the pageant by the exit and sneered. There was a very distinct white Jeep parked down the way that I could see from my spot against the tree.

Rose and Em.

Fucking self-important asshole Swans. My sister and her husband were just people. What the hell did it matter?

When did we get to finally fucking kick those dogs in the mouth—the motherfuckers who made us feel inferior all of our lives. The demons that would haunt us until the day we died with their judgment. For me it was something intangible—something implanted in me from birth for being Ed's son. Doomed to fail forever. But for Em... fuck for Bella, too—their father just gutted them out all of their lives. Made them feel… less.

You can't fucking leave me now, Cullen.

Bella.

I hissed around my cigarette and closed my eyes. I didn't have any words for her three days ago—and if she ended up marrying Newton... I would never have a fucking answer for her. As long as she and I were apart, this ache in our chests would never stop.

I knew that. Knew that I was made to love that woman. Knew that she was made to be loved by me, too. I might have needed extensive therapy to help me realize that I might be worthy of her love in return—but I knew that I would never love anything but Bella.

No person. No possession. No idea. Just Bella.

I turned back to look at the crypt and folded my arms across my chest. It was the most fucking ludicrous spectacle I had ever seen. There were the Volterras—stoic and reserved. Not a tear to be found. And then there were the Swans—mostly huffing and throat-clearing. And then there were the kids. Runny looked sad and swatted tears from his eyes after he walked out of the viewing. Nessie wept... bawled buckets even. And Bella... fuck, but that emptiness in her eyes scared the shit out of me.

I only ever saw it once before. And now I knew that back then it was because she had lost our child. There was a huge fucking gaping hole in my mind at that thought. Bella had been pregnant. I had almost been a father… with her. And though I wanted to weep for the loss of that opportunity… the loss of a precious life that would have been adored… I was mostly sad for what it did to Bella. Her life had been jeopardized. Her health. Her sanity. And she never trusted me enough to share that burden.

There was some part of my mind that warned I shouldn't want to go to her now. Now that I knew that she betrayed me back then by lying to me. But there was a louder voice in my head that screamed I didn't fucking care. We were two fucked up kids. We both made mistakes. Erebos would call it my downfall—but he would say it with that knowing smile in his eyes. I would never let go of Bella. My body was scarred—I could take whatever life wanted to throw at me. But I would never stop loving her.

I was fucking bleeding with the need to go over to her. But I couldn't move. She wasn't mine. She had made that perfectly clear.

Carlisle and Esme exited the crypt next. Esme walked past me and put a quiet hand on my arm as she did. I smiled at her and nodded. She continued down the path to the waiting Jeep. Carlisle leaned over and hugged Bella. And to my extreme and utter surprise, she hugged him back.

The guy had a way with becoming someone's dad, you had to admit.

He put his hands in his pockets and wandered over to me. We were far enough away that we were removed from the social circle forming around the exit. I took another long drag on my smoke.

"Why bother coming today, Carlisle?" I said through tight lips. Charlie Swan had been a bastard to everything that ever had anything to do with Esme. Especially Esme herself. Why should Carlisle come today to pay respect to that?

"I wanted to see the motherfucker dead."

His words would have made me laugh. But there was no irony to them. There was no humor to them. And I completely understood. Mike Motherfucking Newton walked out and put his arm around his fiancée's shoulders, and all I could see was my hand ripping out his throat.

"How did you survive it?" No bullshit. He knew what was tearing me up. I knew that he lived through it before. And I knew that Mike wasn't the kind of asshole that Charlie was. Mike actually adored Bella. He would give her a quiet, caring, safe life. Fuck me, but I couldn't begin to want to live knowing that. Carlisle had something to hate- something that was wrong. All I had was the fact that Mike was better for her than me. I was feeling pretty shitty about that.

"I didn't. I got married to someone I shouldn't have. I broke two women's hearts. I broke Charlie's nose."

I turned to question him at that one. I had never heard that story.

He chuckled wickedly as he shrugged and winked. Then all at once he looked back at the crypt and his face fell. "It was the night Esme left him. She called me from the road- three in the morning. She was driving her truck with her two sleeping kids and everything she owned piled alongside her. I made sure the house was ready for her."

He grimaced. "Mary kicked the shit out of me for that one. And then I helped Esme move back in." He swallowed and his eyes got distant as pain washed across them. "It only took ten minutes… Ten minutes, Edward. Everything that her life was about fit in a tiny truck and took less than half an hour to unload. And that asshole lived in a two-story mansion surrounded by all his… stuff."

I growled a little under my breath. I hated every single second that Bella had to spend in that house. That place was the real crypt.

"But what made me hit him... was the way Esme looked once the kids were in bed and everything was settled. She wasn't happy or sad or even angry. She was just... relieved. Like she had been so trapped and afraid of that life that she couldn't breathe until she was home in Forks. It pissed me off."

Mike laughed at something Puny said and after a second of delay Bella forced a fake smile and small laugh, too. Fuck.

"So I jumped into my car and hit the first ferry to leave Port Angeles for Victoria in the morning. I had no idea what I was going to do."

Mike put his lips against Bella's temple. And she actually fucking sighed from the contact. I couldn't breathe.

"I was suffocating to watch him with her, Edward." I nodded. I understood what he meant. "But I couldn't breathe at all until I looked him in the eye that morning. I didn't say anything. I rang the doorbell- eight a.m. It took him twenty minutes to finally answer it- like he had been sleeping soundly and had no idea someone might want to talk to him. When he opened the door..."

Mike whispered something to Bella and she nodded. He released her and she headed off alone toward the other graves.

Carlisle pulled me back to his story. "He wasn't even upset. He actually looked confused when he saw me. Like he had no idea that Esme had left- or that he had no concern for the fact that his wife and two kids were no longer living in his house. He wasn't upset... no tears... no anger... just a blank stare."

I balled my fists. I wondered how terrible it would make me look if I punched a corpse. "So I gave him something to feel pain over. I knew just where to hit him too. Used the jab straight to the bridge. Broke his nose in one hit. Then I just got back in my car and drove home."

I snorted. "I would have taken more than one swing." I mumbled.

"That's the difference between you and me, Edward." I frowned as I waited for the explanation. "You never stop fighting." He clapped his hand on my shoulder and looked over his own to where Bella was disappearing in the distance.

"Never," he breathed turning back to me and winking. He went to join Esme and the others away from the show.

I was suddenly done with my cigarette and done with all the shit.

I put my hands in my pocket and followed Bella's path. Carlisle was right. I would never give up.

I had something worth fighting for.

-**-Bookends-**-

EmPOV

In and out.

Just breathe – in and out.

My hands were still gripped tightly around the steering wheel. White knuckles and more steady, deep breaths.

In and out.

In.

And.

Out.

"Baby, you know you should go down there."

I rolled my eyes but didn't look at her—I just stared at the crowd exiting the fucking creepy crypt.

What my wife said sounded logical, just not possible.

"People go to these things to pay their respects. There's nothing out there that I respect… besides our family, that is."

I stressed the word our. The Swans didn't recognize our union as valid.

They were not family.

Rose punched my shoulder softly, but said nothing.

There was nothing to say—we had nothing to apologize for. We were proud to live the life we shared.

Fuck them for having some issue with us just being ourselves. People were dumbshit stupid sometimes.

I sighed and flopped back in my seat, letting my hands drop on to my lap.

Rose glared at the reception. "I always thought his mustache was a bit too…"

"Wilford Brimley?" I offered.

Rose snorted. "No. I was going to say extreme. I'd even guess it might have been rebellious." She nodded towards the group gathered by the door. None of them had facial hair… well except for Great Aunt Caius.

"Pah!" The silence in the Jeep was shattered with my bursting laugh.

"Caius?" Rose asked reaching her hand over to twine our fingers together.

I nodded and chuckled. She giggled.

"Lucky bitch, didn't even have to have surgery." I rolled my eyes. Leave it to my wife to bring inappropriate hermaphrodite humor to a funeral.

"I always found it interesting that she never married but had all of those ladies in waiting it seemed. Guess now we know…what they were all waiting for. She must be packing some heat to match that 'stache…"

"Emmett," she continued to insist quietly.

She nudged me with her shoulder—more like she used a defensive lineman's shoulder hit on me.

"Damn, Baby," I said, rubbing my chest and trying to be a man about it. "You're strong."

"Damn straight," she said, smirking back at me.

I laughed again. "That's my girl." I kissed her shoulder and pulled her into an awkwardly angled embrace.

"Fuck em, Baby," I whispered and she giggled again.

"You're an idiot," she mumbled.

I watched Mom and Carlisle walk out of the building – Mom heading straight for us.

"This day just keep getting better and better," I sighed.

The back right door opened and Mom climbed inside. "I'm only saying this once, I've never said a horrible thing about your father all of your life. I've never made him out to be some villain in our lives and I've never wanted you kids to have your perceptions of him ruled by my relationship with him."

Rose and I turned to look back at her. My eyebrows were sticking straight up as she spoke.

She really never had. No matter how shitty I could tell Mom thought Charlie was to us, she never made him out to be some bad guy around us. She would always play devil's advocate and let us come up with how we viewed the situation.

"So…"

"He was a royal fucking idiot who deserved to die alone. He deserves to rot in hell and I'm…I can't say I'm sorry that I married him because I love you and your sister more than words can say. That's the only fucking thing he ever did right and I'm sorry I ever let him into our lives." She narrowed her eyes and stared straight into mine. "Never let anyone push you around, son. He was an asshole who never deserved your love. I love you. And I'm glad he's dead."

I swallowed, my mouth so dry and my brain so empty that all I could do was stare at her.

"And you too, Rose, dear. Don't ever let those assholes push you around."

Rose nodded, looking as dumbstruck as me.

"Now… to have a talk with your sister." She reached for the door handle and looked out the window.

"Oh," she said. I followed her line of sight and saw Bella heading down a path away from the crypt with a certain bronze-haired idiot following her.

"Maybe later, " Mom muttered.

"I think it's best he talk to her first."

Both women gasped at my statement. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "I don't love him, but I think he wants what's best for her. And that's all that matters right?"

I looked to my wife. Who the hell were we to say what was right in this world? Everyone around us thought that we were wrong.

She nodded with that damn 'I'm so proud of my monkey man' look that she got sometimes.

"It really is."

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV

I found her sitting by a little man-made pond. Why was there always water at places like this?

She sat on a bench facing the pond. It was early evening- twilight. And it looked ready to rain. There was a light breeze- I didn't feel it. I only realized it because Bella's hair drifted around her face. She continued to watch the water as it grew dark.

I sat down next to her. No words. No need. She needed me here- and I needed to show her I was here. There was no point in forcing small talk. I could feel her heat in the tiny space between us. It seared my flesh through the barriers of our clothing.

No one else would have been able to do that to me.

I sat with my back to the pond- watching the fake people and their fake show of emotions. Bella- all bottled up and silent-was seething with emotion next to me. She was never fake about what she felt in her soul.

In the distance, I could hear thunder rolling. I smiled. I found more and more that I loved to hear it rain. To feel the cool drops hitting my flesh. They were like a thousand tiny promises of life. A sea of opportunities that were just waiting to run in to me.

Plus Bella had always loved the rain. It was just like breathing for me to like it, too.

"Lovely weather," I said in a flat voice.

I peeked over and she made no motion to acknowledge that I had spoken at all. But I could feel her wanting to smile. It made me smile - slow and confident. Mike fucking Newton might have a ring on her finger – but I'm the one wrapped around that soul.

"I want to go home," she whispered—almost too low for me to hear.

I turned to see her lay her head on my shoulder. I clenched my fists. It is now or never, motherfucker. You aren't going to get a chance like this. She's literally fucking leaning on us… just lay it out there.

"I love you, Bella."

The air around us was thick with anticipation of more words. My mind had plenty. My heart had even more. But my mouth was suddenly dry and unable to speak.

"Edward," she spoke with a small quiet voice. "I don't know how to be loved…my heart beats, but…" She swallowed and I watched her with wide eyes. This was someone completely different talking to me now. Someone I didn't recognize.

What had changed?

"Bella…" I shook my head, was I really having a conversation with her? I wanted to burst out in giggles at the giddiness swelling in me at that thought. I could see Erebos scowling me. I couldn't help it. A morbid laugh escaped me as I continued. "I get that. Believe me… I know what you are saying."

She sighed and stood up. She was biting her lip and she was suddenly very pale.

Fuck.

"I need to show you something."

She reached her left hand as an invitation not only for me to stand but to join her. I could care less what else she showed me, my vision was transfixed on her bare ring finger.

Bare.

Free of what was previously there.

I blinked up at her. There was probably some part of my brain that should be warning that she easily put his affection aside when she found something new. Told me that maybe this new Bella was all about using people.

She had warned me that she was a monster who hurt people.

But that part of my brain was getting his ass kicked by the guy who'd been in love with this woman since she was eleven years old. I wasn't the same person I was before. Clearly, she wasn't either.

Fuck the odds. I was going to make it stick this time.

I couldn't stop the smile that lightly spread my lips as I looked up into her eyes. Bella's eyes answered the question in mine. It's over. I'm yours, they said.

Bella mirrored my smile as I stood. Though the edges of her smile were softened by sadness.

What was it she had to show me?

She took a deep breath as I took her hand. A tear slipped down her cheek and she turned to pull me towards whatever it was she had hidden away in this place.

What secrets could Bella Swan have in a graveyard?

My mind froze.

Fuck.

Our baby.

She had buried our baby here.

Everything went blank and black in my head.

And yet everything was screaming in my mind too. Music screeching and clawing at the walls of my brain.

So many questions.

Too many emotions.

My breath sped and I felt my palms start to sweat.

I was so nervous to see… still too confused to really grasp what had happened to her.

She could sense my panic as we walked. She started talking, and I had to focus over the whine and scrape of the notes in my mind- some twisted lullaby—both evil and wretched and yet beautiful and sublime all at once.

An almost dream that was being pulled to pieces before I could realize it fully.

"I… don't know how to do this, Edward," she whispered. I unconsciously tightened my hand's grip around hers. I tried to swallow, my throat suddenly a fucking desert.

"How…" my mouth opened and my mind tried to form words for it but I just couldn't. What could I ask? Where did I start?

"I see a therapist," she announced flatly. I snapped my mouth shut and nodded.

Good.

Why I never had the fucking balls to force her to one before was beyond me…that was not true. I knew why. It was because the guy living with the old Bella had not yet gone through Erebos' boot camp. He was the old me.

The old me would be shitting his pants right now for fear that Bella was going leave him again.

I only wanted what was best for her. I'd stand my ground on this one.

"I see him twice a week… Have been for years now. It's where Mike and I…" she bit her lip like it was the break pedal and she suddenly realized the light had turned red.

"He sees a therapist?" I couldn't fucking help it. My eyebrows scrunched together and the hint of ironic sarcasm in my voice was not lost on Bella.

"Nobody's perfect, Edward. Mike has some pain he faces, too. Maybe nothing as…deep as what we've been through," she waved her hand between us, and I understood that she wasn't just talking about the pain we suffered on our own. But the pain we inflicted on each other by never seeking help before now.

"Do you love him?" She gasped, shocked more by my words than my interruption.

"In a way." She contemplated her answer but kept pulling me further and further into the cemetery. We were a good ways away from the family crypt now. I couldn't see any of the people from here.

Good. I didn't want my baby to have to see that asshole every day for eternity. Not that my baby would. She or he would be in heaven while Swan burned in hell.

I never went to church but I believed that with every fiber of my being. Our baby was good and pure. Our baby would have been perfect. We were stupid kids but our child was loved and deserved to rest peacefully.

Swan earned his condo in Hades.

"Edward." She tugged on my hand, pulling me from the image of a beautiful baby girl with emerald green eyes and bronze hair. "I never meant to hurt you….I never meant to hurt Mike. I just…wanted…"

"Me to move on?" She sighed and I stopped, pulling on her arm until she turned and looked up at me.

"Never gonna fucking happen, Baby," I vowed.

On the word baby, her eyes dropped and her entire body seemed to shrink. Fuck. That's why she hated me calling her that.

"Holy fuck," I whispered. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I never…I didn't…"

"I know," she whispered. She led us further on.

I was such a fucking prick. I had spent so much time in the past feeling sorry for Bella. Thinking that she deserved some sympathy for having such a mind fuck put on her by that bastard. I thought her weakened by her past. An abuse victim who was trapped by the pain she could not fight.

I had been wrong.

Bella was anything but weak.

The strength it must have taken to get out of bed every morning must have been fucking crippling. The ability to find anything happy at all must have been devastating. If only I had trusted her to heal, and taken her to get help…instead I locked her away and forced her to have to fight that much harder every damn day.

Bella was anything but weak- Bella was a fucking superhero.

"Tell me about your therapist." I matched my stride to hers so that we could be side by side as we found our child's resting place.

She smiled slightly but didn't look up at me. "Alec. He's nice. He doesn't waste time with bullshit."

I laughed. "You were never one for bullshit," I teased.

Teased! I was fucking walking along and teasing my Bella. My chest, though heavy with what we were about to see, was suddenly lighter than it had been in years.

"I'd like…for you to…meet…him," she offered shyly.

"I would like for that too," I responded instantly. I need to see this guy and shake his motherfucking hand. Thank him for helping her when I couldn't.

When I didn't.

Her fingers laced through mine more securely. Some air was cleared… the music in my mind was still chaotic but now the humming melody of Bella was cascading around it. Blending and morphing the sound into something more positive than destructive.

I smiled in spite of the moment.

When her footsteps faltered and she slowed to a stop, my heart leaped to my throat and everything went silent.

Everything…but Bella's voice.

"I wasn't far enough… along… for…a sex to be determined." She had told me this at the hospital, too.

"How…when did you find out?"

She swallowed, turning apologetic eyes to me. "Not too long after you left. I was visiting…" She looked over her shoulder back to the hidden view of the funeral. She was visiting him when she found out? Fuck.

"Em and Rose were with me…well, I guess she was still J at the time." She smiled sadly and laughed. I couldn't help but laugh, too. I was so easily swayed by whatever emotion Bella was experiencing.

"I realized I hadn't gotten my period. That I had been throwing up. The vomit I had blamed on you."

I barked a laugh at that comment.

She giggled. "I mean… you having to leave. You having to go back to…that witch. And me being the reason."

I sobered at the look in her eyes when she called herself the reason.

"Hey." I put my hands on her shoulders, looking deep into the depths of her dark jade depression. "I'll admit it, Bella. We fucked up a lot in our lives. But you didn't cause anything, my love." Her lip quivered as I spoke. I ran my finger along that trembling bottom lip, anticipatory of being able to kiss it freely from now on.

"We weren't meant to have a baby yet. That's all." It wasn't all…but it was all we needed to accept. A person could drive themselves eternally insane trying to understand why things happen. We were both alive, and healthy. There would be many years ahead of us to try to have kids again.

"I…I just…" she blinked her eyes, her voice cracking and a sob ripped from her chest. Instantly tears streamed down her face and she crumpled against me. "I was just so scared."

She trembled in my arms, shaking like some terrified child. I lowered myself to the ground, easing her into my lap and cradling her against me. "Shhh… it's okay, sweetheart. I'm here now. It's okay…"

The more I assured her, the harder she cried. Fuck. So many years she locked this away. So many years she fought this breakdown. I held her tighter each time she gasped for breath. I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt. I let them cleanse my skin of all hatred or anger at the time we spent apart.

I had nothing but love in my heart for this woman and our lost child. There was no room for that destruction that had haunted us for too long.

Bella clung to me like I was a life raft and she was a drowning woman who had been holding on for too long. If I let her go, she'd finally just give up and suffocate.

I kissed her head. Stroked her back and rocked us. I wept with her, tears running along my cheeks and falling, unchecked on to her hair. We were washing each other in our release of this pain, I guessed.

I looked up. A small, nondescript stone child with angel wings watched us. The child's face was round and full of life even though it was frozen for all eternity. The eyes were wide and full of wonder. Its lips were turned up slightly at the edges. The child's hands were raised in welcome.

I stared back at the child.

Though Bella continued to cry and cough in my arms from the violent release of her pain, I felt myself grow calm. Tears were still spilling from my eyes, but I was at peace with this loss. Our child was watching us - granting us our peace. Telling us it was okay to move on and keep living.

"Is that…" I whispered, motioning with my hand to the beautiful angel staring back at me.

Bella sniffed and raised her head to peek at the cherub of mercy. She nodded, her blotchy cheeks and tear-filled eyes turning back to me. I smiled serenely down at her.

"I recognized her," I said like that proud father I was. I might never have met my child, but there she was. Watching me, loving me. Loving us. Blessing us.

Bella studied me watching the statue. Her tears seemed to slow and she grew deathly quiet. I turned my attention back to her and filled her eyes with the wonder in mine.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Isabella Swan." I looked back at our baby. "I want to give her brothers and sisters to watch over, too. Just like she's watching over us."

"Edward," Bella breathed. "You…" She raised her hand to cup the side of my face. I leaned my cheek against her soft, warm touch. I sighed at the contact, never more at peace than I was right now.

"She was never even born….we don't even know if she was a she," Bella rambled. I smiled, leaning down and kissing here lips softly.

"I know, Love."

She drew in a ragged breath. "But you love her anyway?" Bella's brow quirked and her eyes grew serious.

I nodded. "Of course. She's the best of you and what little good there is of me put together. She's our baby, Bella. Why wouldn't I love her?"

I didn't really have the proper training to handle what happened next. I knew my girl had a temper. I knew she could change moods on a dime, but I had no idea my words would trigger such a violent reaction.

She shot up to her feet, releasing my hold on her. She cast one last look back at the statue of grace and stormed off back toward the funeral.

I sat for a second trying to figure out what the hell just happened. She didn't seem angry with me.

I looked at my daughter, scowling and trying to put two and two together.

"I tell her I love you and she flips out. One would think I'd be shocked that she did." I started to laugh and then it all fell in place.

I loved a child I never even knew.

Bella had a father who never gave a shit about her.

"Fuck!" I shouted and jumped up to run after her.

I didn't know if I wanted to catch her or just be there to catch her when it was all over and done.

Bella deserved to get a thing or two off of her chest.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV

He loved her.

Edward loved a child he didn't even know existed until two days ago. He wanted to share our future with her even though he knew we'd never get to see her.

He loved the very idea of having a kid.

What the fucking hell was Charlie Swan's problem?

That rat bastard had every single thing a human could ever want or need handed to him in his life. Why couldn't he love me?

I flew down the path that I had strolled lazily with Edward. I felt new.

I felt old at the same time.

I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time.

And I was fucking mad and ready to finally say something about it.

Em and Mom were standing by the door when I shoved my way in. The crypt was empty, luckily, though I knew no innocent bystanders would really deter me from doing what I was about to do.

I knew he'd never hear me. Maybe he could hear me but I knew he'd never listen.

I was just finally fed up of keeping it all in.

I had spilled my guts to the man I loved completely…might as well do it to the man I hated, too.

"WHY!" I screamed to the now sealed tomb.

"Why didn't you want me? Why couldn't you love me?"

I kicked at the stone etched with his name. Each letter was a separate reminder of the person who had never bothered to remember I existed.

My hands balled into white-knuckled fists and my rage fumed on.

"I hate you!" I screamed, my throat constricting around the word 'hate'. My body was convulsing from the surge of raw energy shooting through my veins.

I was empowered by my confessions to Edward and his display of undying love. I could do anything I wanted right now.

And all I wanted to do was know why?

"WHY!" I shrieked, a crazed harpy with blood-red eyes, no doubt.

I clawed at the name staring back, silently mocking me. He was made of stone in life as well.

I felt just as weak and helpless scratching at the marble surface as I had hoping that he would give a shit about me my entire life.

Worthless.

"You asshole! Motherfucking bastard!"

I was sure that by now there was a crowd assembling to watch the show. Charles' daughter finally snapped. We knew one day she would…she's never been quite right.

I didn't much care about the audience. I did care about my family. There was a shred of sanity left in my brain, warning that they could see and hear me.

I feared for what they thought it was they were taking in right now.

If they had somehow survived the last ten years not thinking me crazy before this moment… they sure as hell knew I was now.

I took a step back in my mind, picturing my family seeing me.

Realizing how futile yelling at this stone wall really was.

I had missed my opportunity.

I had never confronted him on earth.

Or had I?

Had I not confronted him every time I matched his silence?

Had I not screamed at him every time I didn't call him to wish him Merry Christmas?

Had I not made myself perfectly clear when I didn't visit his body as it lay dying alone?

No. I had stated my position more times than I could count.

He just lacked the vision to see it.

I truly hoped that was my problem, too. That I had simply lacked the ability to see what he told me. That he had loved me but I just never understood.

He was gone now.

He took whatever secrets that he might have had with him.

The lawyer told me this morning that my father had left me his house. Nothing else. No note. No words. No declaration of love.

Just that empty fucking house.

I had searched that place already. Found nothing of me there. And so he confirmed it.

I might have been silently screaming that I needed him, but he was loudly announcing that he didn't care.

I fell to my knees, allowing devastation to overwhelm me twice today. I was crippled by sobbing tears and anguished breaths.

"Daddy," I croaked. My voice sounded so like I was six years old again. Small and wounded as it left my throat. "Please don't go. I'll be good. I promise…. Just please…please don't go…"

I started shaking, feeling like I was sitting on the steps of my home at Forks. Seeing him drive away yet again. Always wondering what I did that was so very wrong as to make him leave me.

Not want me.

Why wasn't me loving him ever enough?

"I'm sorry…" There was no sound to my voice as I said it and a pair of strong arms caught me from behind just before I fell over completely face first into the hard cement.

"I'm sorry, Daddy…."

The arms pulled me back and I was cradled like a child for the second time today. The body holding me was comfort and love, and I collapsed against it.

It spoke, shushing away my tears and soothing me.

"It's okay, Baby," she said, just like she had every time he broke my heart.

She rocked me. She stroked my hair.

"Why… why…" I kept repeating. I would never have an answer. Never.

"I don't know, Bella," Mom said, kissing my head and holding me tighter.

I felt a second pair of arms wind around us. These arms were strongest arms in my world. Emmett.

I felt safe and love in these combined embraces. I linked my fingers of my left hand with the fingers of his right. And the fingers of my right with the fingers of my mom's left. We sat there on the floor. A trio. A team.

"It doesn't matter, Bells," Em whispered. "You're better than him. You never needed him to tell you that."

I turned to meet my big brother's eyes. He was crying. I'd never seen him cry before.

"We're better than him," I corrected, tears coating my cheeks. "And all we've ever needed is right here." I squeezed my hands over theirs to emphasize my point.

-**-Bookends-**-

CPOV

I ordered another round of appetizers and drinks.

It still struck me to my bones that they were all old enough to drink. Even my baby, Alice, was over twenty-one.

My arm rested over the back of my wife's chair, her hand on my thigh under the table. How much time had we wasted to get to this moment with each other? So many years of uncertainty. I spent most of my adulthood feeling empty and mildly depressed. Now, with this magnificent woman by my side, I felt complete.

Happy.

Loved.

Rose tossed her napkin across the table at her sister when Alice suggested they go shopping while still in Canada. Rose hated shopping. Alice's laugh made me smile.

I had wasted no time, really. The sacrifice of happiness until now was nothing compared to the swelling of love and pride in my heart at seeing my two girls.

Being a father completed me in an entirely different way.

I watched Emmett sling his arm over Rose's chair in a mirror image of my arm. My heart damn near burst.

I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I'd suffer every cut from Jack and every harsh word from Mary if it meant I would get to be here right now.

Jazz kissed Alice's lips as she kept laughing, her smile making him smile, too.

"I love you," Esme whispered and rested her head on my shoulder. As it always did when she said that, my heart beat stronger and I felt warm inside. I loved this woman more than anything.

The next round of food arrived and with it another hour of conversation. The Family Cullen sharing memories, good and bad, of Charles Swan.

"I just want to…" The table fell silent as Bella's soft voice drew our attention. She hadn't said much since her outburst at the cemetery. Esme tensed up next to me—a protective mother, always. I resisted the urge to shield and protect her too.

Bella always seemed to be the most fragile of all of us.

"Thank you. And…I'm sorry," she laughed lightly and shook her head. "I know I'm crazy. But you all make me feel okay to be crazy."

We all returned her smile as she made eye contact with each of us.

Edward was sitting to her left. As much as it had pleased me to find out that she had been engaged to Michael, it felt much more natural to see her sitting next to Edward.

And to see my son sitting next to Bella was … truly captivating. He sat with a confidence that made even me feel a little intimidated.

He kept his hands on the table in front of him but he had his body turned slightly as if to block Bella from our view. Ah, Edward, forever the protector of those he loves.

"You're not crazy, Bella," he argued.

"I was born with a penis." Em groaned as my daughter turned her shot glass over and announced to the table what all already knew.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Look at me, little sister." Rose propped an elbow up on the table, staring Bella down. "I had to spend three years talking to a team of specialists and psychiatrists to determine my sanity. In the end… all they did was sign off on the fact that I'm not delusional. I think they would still call me crazy."

"Rosalie Cullen," Alice scolded.

Rose glared at her sister but continued. "My name is Jacob. None of this," she waved her hands around her reconstructed face and chest. "Is real. But this," she pointed to her temple, indicating her mind. "This is the real deal. And no fifty some odd doctors are going to tell me that I'm sane or not. I'm who and what I need to be." She shrugged her shoulders and gave a drunken nod to the table.

Emmett rolled his eyes when she settled back into her chair. "Nobody's perfect and everybody's human," he added.

"Edward used to tell me," Jazz spoke from the corner. "That Ed was a good guy. That life made him mean and he couldn't control himself when it got to be too much." Edward's hands clenched into fists as his little brother spoke about their past. It was now my turn to tense up. I would that I could have spared those boys that childhood. I should have adopted them from birth.

"There's no such thing as a bad person, or a good person. There's just people. And choices. And life." Jazz looked over at Bella, sharing some moment with her that none of us understood. "You're not crazy, Bella. You're surviving life. Sometimes that requires violence. Other times… it requires helplessness. Just makes it life."

Bella nodded. "I want you to have the house, Alice," Bella said with sober, serious eyes.

"What?"

"Charlie left me his house…er…the estate, I suppose. I want you to have it. Convert it into a shelter, or an orphanage or whatever you want or need."

Esme gasped next to me. "Are you sure about that, Bella? That estate would pay for a lot of things."

Bella shook her head with a small smile for her mother. "I don't need things, Mom. 'Things' is what that house is about right now. Alice can make it a home…for someone."

The pride I had already felt for my family swelled tenfold hearing this conversation.

"That's very noble and kind of you, Bella," I said, raising my glass and toasting my children. "To all of you. You are far better people than I, or your mother," I turned to look Esme in the eyes. She smiled at me. "Could ever have hoped for. We're very proud of you. And we love you."

"Cheers," they said in unison.

We all threw back a shot. All save Edward. I noticed he didn't drink hardly at all anymore. I knew without doubt I had Erebos to thank for that.

"I love you all. I'm gonna take off. Have a good one." Bella rose slowly and walked around handing out hugs to all of us. Esme kissed her cheek and told her she expected a phone call as soon as she got home and another one tomorrow after she had had some rest. Emmett pulled her into a bone crushing hug and whispered into her ear. A few last tears slid down her cheeks at whatever it is he said.

"Thanks, big brother," she whispered.

To no one's surprise, Edward retreated from the table as she left. "Fuck this, I'm out," he simply said and nodded to all of us.

I had to laugh. Some things never changed.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV

The moon was full, shining down on the parking lot as I followed her out. She noticed me behind her as she exited the bar and slowed her steps so I could catch up.

I didn't give a fuck about rules or time tables or whatever, I just put my arm around her shoulder and walked with her in silence to the car.

"You ever wonder what it would have been like to be…normal?"

I laughed. Bell and her fucking brain. Always thinking.

"Fuck, no. I think Mike Newton is normal." Bella punched my shoulder and wiggled out from under my arm. We laughed together.

I leaned against the driver's side door of the Volvo. Fuck, I miss this car. It wasn't as flashy and fast as the Vanquish, but it was my first taste of freedom.

It had always seemed fitting to me that Bella ended up with it. She was my first taste of everything.

"So…" I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling more awkward than the teen that used to drive this silver car around Forks like a bad ass.

Bella smiled as she watched me, blushing even though I hadn't really said anything.

"So…" she mimicked my voice. I laughed and shifted my eyes to look back at the bar before I ended up blushing.

Why did we always seem to do this shit backwards? I scanned the lot. Not too many cars left for the night. I had turned the rental car in yesterday. I would be riding back to Port Angeles with Alice and Jazz and then catching a flight back to Seattle.

I took one last look at my first baby, the Volvo. I checked out the tires, feeling a need to make certain everything was in shape before I let her get on the road by herself.

I flinched. "Are those the same tires I bought in California…"

"Right before the gig in San Jose. Yep." She nodded and smiled wide.

"That was almost…"

"Six years ago. I know."

I gave her a puzzled expression. I had had to replace the tires on the Vanquish at least twice since moving back to the States. Shit, since moving to Seattle.

"I don't have a lead foot like some people," she giggled.

"You never drive it, is more like it," I laughed. There was something primal about knowing she drove this car. Some… connection that we still had because of it. I figured Bella never drove it because of that phantom bond that it symbolized.

"That's not true. I practically live in this car." The sincerity in her voice made my chest squeeze tight.

Fuck.

I loved this woman more than it was healthy to love another human being.

"Never?" The question slipped out before I really thought about it. She knew what it meant. You've never wanted anyone but me, right?

I couldn't help it. I had spent too many years, such very long nights not knowing what she was thinking. I felt like I was a kid in a candy store with just the hope that she would answer any question I asked her.

I was coming back into my own with her. Recognizing her body language and understanding what she was saying when she wasn't speaking.

"I told you, Edward, I always have and always will love you."

I nodded, reaching my hand up and cupping it behind her neck. I pulled her in for a hard, possessive kiss.

She moaned, drawing me deeper into her mouth and swirling her tongue around mine. We kissed in the parking lot like to horny teenagers.

Maybe Bella was on to something. What would it have been like to be just a couple of normal teens, sucking face in the parking lot on some random Saturday night? No worries about when or how to tell each other that we were in love. No fear that one of us would be shipped away because of one stupid mistake. A mistake that would never have happened had we been just two normal, safe teenagers.

That might have been nice.

Bella pushed me back against the door of the car. She fisted her hands in my shirt, and I groaned when her thigh rubbed against my swelling crotch.

"Fuck," I groaned again and leaned back to catch some air. No normal little girl acted like my Bella acted.

Fuck normal.

I stroked my hand through her hair and put it behind her ear. We were both slightly out of breath, and I could feel her heart racing against my chest.

"May I drive you home, Miss Swan?" I whispered, flashing her that crooked smile that I reserved strictly for Bella.

She smiled and handed me the keys.