Bookends Chapter 34: Making love in the Afternoon, a twilight fanfic

Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Thanks as always to my patient and awesome beta TwilightMomofTwo. She rocks and kick major butt. I'm very pleased to announce that her stories having been winning awards left and right lately. Please stop by her profile and check out everything she writes.

Chapter 34: Making Love in the Afternoon

-**-Bookends-**-

"Making love in the afternoon, with Cecilia up in my bedroom." (Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel)

Hallelujah : (Paramore)

somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
if only time flew like a dove
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

holding onto patience, wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
if only time flew like a dove
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
we'll make it last forever

and we've got time on our hands
and we've got, got nothing but time on our hands
got nothing but, got nothing but
got nothing but time on our hands

this time we're not giving up
oh, let's make it last forever
screaming "hallelujah"
"hallelujah"
"hallelujah"

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (Port Angeles)

I nervously fiddled with my hands in my lap the entire ride home. He drove with such ease. An almost… abandon, like he was at home behind the wheel of this car.

Well, he was. This was his Volvo.

We rode the ferry back to Port Angeles in near silence—just content to be near each other. There wasn't much of a drive from the docks. I lived on the edge of town. A little two-story nothing apartment building, though originally, it wasn't even that. It was an old hotel that had been converted in to housing when tourists finally started realizing that there was simply nothing to see in Port Angeles.

He said his plane left early in the morning so he'd just walk down and catch it. It was amazing how small this town was but you could literally walk from one end to the other in less than an hour.

I was so self-conscious thinking about how far he'd gone in life since we'd split up. Edward had lived in Italy. He built a business for himself back east. He'd made enough money to move into a ritzy apartment in Seattle, according to Alice.

And here I was, little Bella nobody. The farthest I had made it away from home since we ended our relationship was Port Angeles. One whole hour away from Forks.

I was such a loser compared to this man.

"Is this the old Red Lion that Em used to take Jake to?" Edward wiggled his brows, and in the dim light from the street lamps that bounced sporadically off his face I could see he was smiling.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I dunno. And I'm not sure I believe that rumor. I think they never needed a room. Em is pretty willing to do it just about anywhere… so I've heard."

Edward snorted. "Yeah, Alice loves to share Rose's exploits, too."

He spoke with such a casual voice, like he was someone else. Maybe we both were. I felt relaxed talking to him. I wasn't worried about every word I said, like I would have been in the past.

The secret was out.

Edward knew about the baby. Edward and I had mourned the passing of our child together. And we had both survived.

Somewhere in my brain, Alec was laughing like Jabba the hut.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It wasn't as bad as I had feared.

Frankly, I was disgusted with myself for not having the guts to trust him with it sooner. I should have appreciated the life I had with my family and friends. Should have written off Charlie long ago and just believed in the life and love around me.

There's a fucking Hallmark card for you, Bella.

I watched the sidewalks fly by in the dark as we got closer to my home.

Should have. But there was still, even now, this little ache inside of me that didn't feel comfortable talking about any of it. It was like the exhaustion you felt in your muscles after running a mile. The strain and pressure had been wrapped around this secret for so long that it almost hurt more to let it out than it had to hold it in.

It wasn't just the fatigue from dealing with Charlie's death. It was knowing that I put so many people through shit just to save myself what I thought would be worse pain.

I was such an idiot. A selfish fucking idiot.

A soul-sucking demon.

I should have told Edward that I was pregnant.

But I knew what he would have done.

"I'm sorry." My voice broke the silence with the resounding truth. His only answer was a sharp intake of breath. I didn't give him time to actually say anything.

"I can't imagine how alone you felt all these years, Edward. I don't know what anyone else has told you, if anyone else has even tried to tell you… I just… I'm sorry."

I turned to face him and noticed that he was still just staring straight ahead. Lost in his own memories, and maybe even some regrets that he had from the past couple of years, too—I remembered very vividly the night we were in this car, having a discussion about how he would be the one to fuck up our future.

What an ironic gutter slut fate could be.

I bit my lip and continued to walk back through my life since the day we had sex. "If I had… told you…back when I found out…"

"That you were pregnant?" he asked as if he could read my mind.

I resisted the urge to huff. I hadn't missed the psychic Edward. I took a weary breath. I might have confessed the very darkness of my soul to everyone this afternoon but that didn't mean I was ready to skip down the street all happy and hopeful.

When you turned on the light to the attic, nothing was different. It was just there. No longer hidden, but far from erased.

It was going to take a whole hell of a lot of time and talking to get me to let old habits go. Fearing Edward would reject me because of how I had treated him… that would be the hardest thing for me to overcome.

No, Bella, that damn voice in my head warned. Accepting yourself in spite of your faults will be. Sometimes I just wished I could bitch slap the inner me. If she had so much wisdom to dispense, why wasn't she showing me how to live by it?

"If you had told me… when was that? Right after the audition?" he speculated. I nodded, biting my lip and suddenly no longer wanting to go down this road of should have, Could have, Would have.

"I would've fucking shown up at your window and talked you into running away…" His words confirmed what I had already guessed he would do.

"Or some dumbshit move like that," he finished. I furrowed my brows.

"So you wouldn't do that now?"

He laughed, glancing over at me with sparkling eyes and that damn crooked smile that made my panties melt. "No, Love. I….I think I finally grew up." He winked and turned his eyes back to the road.

I watched him, Mr. I-grew-out-of-my-old-ways-over-night. My turn to laugh.

"Bullshit," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and smirking at him. "Once a dumbshit…always a dumbshit, Edward Cullen."

His face grew serious and he flicked on the turn signal even though the street was empty.

I snapped my mouth shut. I wasn't sure if our humor suited each other anymore. Had it ever? I really couldn't remember laughing that much as a kid.

"You're right," he finally said, pulling into a parking stall where I had told him my apartment was. His voice was low, with almost no sound. His eyes were focused forward, past the windshield and off into the choices he'd made in his past.

"When it comes to you… reason goes out the window."

He got out of the car. I felt like I was suddenly in some loop of the past. That night…that last fucking fateful night when I was still a kid with stupid kid problems. That night that I had told Edward I didn't believe in him and didn't trust him to not fuck everything up. That night that we fought, and he left me alone in this car, in this very spot.

I felt like I was right back there.

My life ended that night. What little hope I had had of growing up normal….or at least not crazy and so depressed that I ruined the lives of everyone I loved, had died the second he'd stepped out of this car. Edward never saw the old me after that. He got out of the car…and Bella forever stayed in.

I blinked back tears as I reached for the door handle, shocked when the door swung open for me.

There he was, this new Edward.

All grown up.

He smiled down at me, raising his thumb to my cheek and wiping away the one tear that teetered on the edge of my eyelid.

"No more tears, Bella, I'm never leaving you again, Baby," he promised. I tried to smile up at him. One day I might feel okay with this man's love and devotion aimed at me so passionately. But for now, I just felt unworthy.

What could I give Edward in return?

I had nothing. I'd had my anger and my fear for so long but now that he was back, those had dissolved and I was just left shaking and empty.

I was afraid that I didn't even really know how to love. He had gone through so much physical pain all of his life. And I only added to his emotional pain with my inability to see myself as anything worth loving.

I wanted, more than anything, to just hold him and promise him every single day of forever. But I was broken. As much as I'd changed and come face to face with lately, I couldn't change that over night.

And Edward would always deserve better.

"You frown any harder and I'm going to insist we get drunk tonight, Bella," he warned.

I rolled my eyes. I'd just be depressed if alcohol was involved. He shook his head.

"On second thought, never mind. Booze and I don't mix well anymore."

I raised a questioning brow at that and he just shrugged me off.

I fumbled with the keys. He just stood quietly beside me, his hands in his pockets and a light smirk on his lips.

"Can I take a shower?" he asked shyly, once we were standing in my entryway.

Shy? Since when was Edward Cullen shy?

I nodded and pointed toward my bedroom. "It's just past my bed…" I blushed as I gave him directions in my very small apartment.

He chuckled, rising a hand to my face. "Missed that shit," he mumbled while running the back of his fingers along the pink flush on my cheeks.

"You stink," I teased.

He threw his head back and laughed, making me laugh and smile along with him. One of the more simply perfect moments of my life.

"You wanna join me?" he teased back. His eyes twinkled in that way that warned Edward was in the mood to joke tonight.

"Uh….I …um…" I didn't have an immediate response. My head was screaming 'Yes'. The obvious answer to Edward Cullen asking you to shower with him was always, yes.

But I was so lame at all of this.

He laughed and drew me into a gentle hug. I drank deep of his scent while pressed up against his chest. He didn't smell bad to me.

I felt him kiss the top of my head. "I love you, Bella. Don't worry about it, baby. There will be plenty more times for us to shower together in the future."

I thumped my forehead against his chest and sighed. "If you say so," I grumbled.

He laughed and reached down to slap my ass. I was too shocked to react with anything but a gasp and a wide-eyed stare as he headed toward my bedroom.

I followed behind him, ignoring my answering machine and the stack of mail on the floor. I might have been home but the greater part of my mind was still back in Victoria.

I kicked off my shoes, peeled off my socks and let my mind go blank. There were too many thoughts in my brain again. Too much that I had forced myself to face in the last twenty four hours.

The clock on my bedside table read four a.m. I rolled my eyes.

Too fucking late to think.

He'd be leaving soon. His flight left at eight.

I could hear the shower running, but what drew me closer to the bathroom door were the sounds he was making. They weren't perverted or disgusting sounds, unless you were a woman in her twenties who had only ever had sex three times and desperately wanted to have it again with the guy making those sounds. They were just the sounds guys made when… doing things. He cleared his throat. Grunted while he washed his body under what I assumed was a blistering hot spray.

Edward always liked a hot shower.

I pressed my ear to the wood and closed my eyes. I had forgotten what it was like to have those noises in my life. Each deep groan of his voice was pure Edward. And it was a reminder that he was here, with me.

I was not alone.

I was so lost in the simple pleasure of that knowledge that I missed the sound of the shower cutting off and suddenly I lost my balance, falling into the bathroom, when he opened the door. Luckily I didn't land on my face.

Instead, my face landed on Edward's chest.

"Sorry," I mumbled against his still hot, wet skin.

He chuckled and the vibrations from his laugh shook his chest. I closed my eyes. God, I had missed this man.

"You should have joined me," he teased.

I blushed and scrambled to back off of him. He hadn't dried off yet, he was still naked. My eyes bugged out while my head was still pointed down.

Holy crap, he was well endowed.

My hands slid around his chest as I tried to shove off of him. He continued laughing but didn't make a move to help me. Finally, I dug my fingers against his abs and caught some leverage to steady myself.

I stepped back, unable to make eye contact with him.

"Sorry… I …"

"Was listening to me shower?" I could hear the smirk in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and reached over to grab him a towel. "Stop dripping on my floor, please," I spat.

I moved to turn around and he caught my elbow, turning me back to face him. "I'm not saying jump back into it tonight, Isabella."

I blushed harder when he called me by my full name. The only person who ever called me Isabella was my mother. And only when I was in trouble.

Instantly, my mind pictured Edward spanking me for being bad. I shook my head, he was still talking.

"But eventually we're going to get over this being naked round each other bit, right?"

I looked up at his face. I expected smirking, teasing Edward to be peering down at me. Instead I found vulnerable, unsure Edward watching me with cautious eyes.

I felt like a damn scatterbrain as I swooned at the look of insecurity on his face. I couldn't keep one mood or thought straight in my head tonight. I blamed him. Edward was adorable when he looked at me like that. But as instantly as I had been ready to melt at his feet, I chastised myself for his need to look like that at all.

I felt ready to puke as all of my short comings started piling on my shoulders. "Yes…I mean … Sorry! I … one day, Edward…I promise…"

"Bella," he cut in and put his hands on my shoulders. His vulnerability was replaced with his intensity. "Don't worry about it."

I shook my head to cut him off. "No, Edward. I want to get over it. I've always wanted to just be naked around you… I mean…" I slapped my hand to my forehead as I heard his sharp laugh.

"Shit," I grumbled.

He wrapped his arms around me and didn't bother to hide his chuckles at my stupidity. "Me too, baby, me too."

"You know what I meant," I mumbled against his chest.

He let out a deep breath and put his chin on top of my head. "I think so." Like everything else tonight, his voice went from carefree to harsh reality. "Naked and us seems to lead to tears too fucking often."

"I don't know…that night in the hotel room was kind of nice." I kept my face hidden as I told him that. I was too ridiculously inexperienced in all of this to be comfortable talking about sex. Even with him.

"Oh fuck!" he cursed and jumped back like someone had hit him.

"What?" I tried not to look down again as he stepped back and I realized he was still naked. Clearly, Edward had no problem being without clothing around me.

"I…so fucking stupid…but we…I've…never even thought of having one with me…"

He paced back and forth in my room. Sitting on the bed like he was thinking about something complex and frustrating. Glancing up at me and getting more and more agitated as he tried to work out whatever it was going on in his head.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he kept mumbling under his breath.

"What?" I asked exasperatedly.

He peeked up at me with his eyebrows raised and a mixture of fear and guilt in his eyes. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had a tough time breaking old habits.

"I… we…it was unprotected," he spat almost too fast for me to understand.

"What was?" I looked at him densely.

"That night…and on the roof…when we…the …sex," he whispered the word sex.

I couldn't help it I broke down in fits of giggles.

It had been one of the longest weeks of my life. I was still awake at four in the morning and Edward Cullen, God among men in the body department, Lord of "let's get over this being naked around each other", was just as clueless in so many ways with all of this as I was.

"This isn't funny," Edward growled. I tried to calm my chuckles as his eyes darkened. I knew in his mind he was seeing what unprotected sex had done to us before.

But that sort of made me laugh all the more. He had traveled the world and become so educated on everything. And yet, in the end, I was the one who planned ahead.

"I know," I giggled one last time and caught my breath. I knew the fastest way to ease his fear would be a contact of our skin. I walked slowly over to him and nudged his knees apart. I stood between his still naked legs and placed my hands on either side of his face. He sighed on contact and drew his arms around me to secure me in place.

"Don't worry about it," I said, mimicking his usual casual tone and winking.

He scowled. "Why?"

I smirked. "Well, if you're trying to tell me you had tons of unprotected sex with women in Europe and you've got a bunch of venereal diseases, then maybe we should worry about it. If you're worried that I'm going to get pregnant…then don't worry."

"You're just that confident in the plumbing?" He asked like the idiot he could be sometimes.

"No. Well… I'm that confident in the shot."

His hands that had been rubbing circles at my side froze and his eyes glanced to the side as if he had to look away to sort out the meaning of what I just said.

"The what…"

"Depo. I get one every three months."

"Depo? What the shit is that?" His face was a mixture of horror and stupidity.

I sighed. "Seriously, Edward? You don't know what a Depo-Provera shot is? It's birth control." I shrugged. I didn't see the big deal in it. Plenty of women used contraceptives.

"Oh," he mumbled. His arms slipped from around me and his body sagged. He didn't raise his eyes to meet mine.

"What?" His reaction panicked me. What had I done that was so wrong?

"Nothing. It's smart. Good to know." He nodded and gently pushed me out of his way so he could stand and get dressed.

That pissed me off.

"What it is? It's not like it's against your beliefs. You said yourself you would have used a condom if you knew… What is it? Edward," I prodded.

He pulled on his boxers with his back to me. I could tell by the set of his shoulders that he was disturbed. I wrapped my arms around me, trying to hug away the creeping sensation of rejection.

It served me right to feel it. I had toyed with his emotions and desires for so long. If this is what he felt each time I had pulled away without an explanation…

"Birth control." His statement hung in the air—like those two words explained anything.

"So?"

He shrugged, still not facing me. "So…"

I huffed. "And when are we getting over this fucking nonsense, Mr. Cullen?"

He glared over his shoulder at me. "What fucking nonsense?"

"We need to talk…. How am I supposed to get to a place where I'm comfortable being around you naked if I can't trust you to talk to me?"

Communicating had never been our strength. I was having a mental breakdown, people screaming from a burning building inside my brain, with what I had just said. My cheeks flushed and my eyes started to water from the fear. All triggers I had spent the last five years of my life working to recognize and change.

Give me proof you want to make this work, Edward.

He sighed, running his fingers through his damp, unruly hair. "Sorry. New shit to deal with…Maybe we need a rule book or something." He laughed, quiet and lacking in humor.

"Just tell me. What's so wrong with me getting the shot?" I walked forward, placing my hands gingerly on his still bare chest. My peace offering. I could show trust in him standing here without clothes on if he could just tell me what bothered him.

His eyes were sad. His lips turned down in a… resignation. "Birth control," he repeated.

I prompted further explanation with a raise of my eyebrows but didn't speak.

He let out a frustrated breath. "Sex. People take that shit for sex." He gave me one last look of devastated longing and cast his eyes to the side.

It took every ounce of my willpower to not punch him in the face.

Edward was implying that I had what… been off whoring since he left? That really made me feel good. Best case scenario he was upset because I was okay with having sex with someone who wasn't him. Worst case scenario he thought I was willing to have sex with just about anyone.

I withdrew my hands from his chest. He had kept up his side of the arrangement. He was honest with me. He thought I was a slut because I got a birth control shot.

"Good night, Edward," I mumbled quietly. He watched me climb in to bed, alone, wordlessly. I turned on to my side, unable to close my eyes. The only indication of him leaving the room was my light switching off.

I knew I had begged for his communication but I was exhausted past the point of defending myself tonight.

Let him think what he wanted to think. I had agreed to get the shot for many reasons. Sex being the last possible purpose. Alec, and even Jazz for that matter, had tried to bring my view on sex and my body into a positive light. Like Jazz giving me that first vibrator a few years ago, I approached my body with a need to control.

The shot was just another way for me to do that.

Like some placebo pill that made me feel secure that I would not contract the latest deadly virus, that shot allowed me to relax that I would not become pregnant. Whether I was fucking a guy a not didn't seem to matter to me. But knowing that when I was finally ready to have sex that I would have control over whether or not I got pregnant… well, that gave me a peace of mind that even Edward couldn't understand.

Obviously.

It was a very big reason I was more at ease with him in his hotel room that night. I put my trust in Edward implicitly. He would never hurt me on purpose. I loved him. I knew he loved me.

But I had a hard time trusting me…more directly trusting my body.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. Everything swirled and crashed inside my skull.

I ached.

I felt a small sense of release of the anger I once held in my heart.

I felt tears start to slip through the edges of my scrunched eyelids.

And at some blessed moment of mercy… I finally slipped into unconsciousness.

I was standing in Charlie's kitchen, watching him pull one of his steaks from the freezer.

Alone.

Silent.

Caught up in the mundane movements of his life. The sleeves of his button-down shirt were shoved up his arms. The skin from his wrists to his elbows was covered in some sort of thick black material.

I didn't notice anything else in the room. Was the table still in the corner? Did the clock still hang on the wall above the backdoor? I didn't know. It felt like the movers should have been here by now to clean out this room. But there Charlie stood, in front of the sink.

I stood next to him by the countertop. He never once looked over to notice me. Never once acknowledged my presence. He just went about preparing his expensive meal.

He didn't seem so intimidating to me now. I had seen behind his curtain. Revealed him for the empty shell of a man that he was. His drawers weren't filled with scary secrets. Just socks.

He was no longer some mystery for me to solve.

He was just empty space.

Empty movement.

Nothing meant anything here.

One of his arms reached in front of me. I noticed that the black covering on his arm was several tiny bands.

Hair bands.

My hair bands.

Like hundreds of thin, almost indiscernible reminders shoved together to make a solid statement, Charlie's arms were swathed in what must have been every hair band I had ever brought into his house.

I stared at the blackness covering his skin.

From some possession I could not understand, I reached out and gripped one of the many black strands, pulled it till I felt tension in the elastic, and let it go. It snapped back to his flesh with a sharp thwack.

Charlie remained oblivious.

So I did it again. This time picking a band higher up his arm.

Thwack.

Still nothing from Charlie.

Again, on his wrist.

Thwack.

Silence.

Again on his other arm.

Thwack.

Not even a blink of his eyes.

Thwack.

It didn't take me long to give up. Punishing him would get me nowhere. He didn't give a fuck. I couldn't hurt him. And trying to hurt him was only continuing to hurt me.

I took a step back, Charles Swan still immersed in his cooking, and I screamed. Screamed at the top of my lungs. Screamed till I felt that spot in the back of my head ache from the strain on my system.

Screamed like I wanted to do every single minute I had spent in this damn room.

I woke with a jolt.

First there was darkness. Then there was a soft glow of the sunrise lighting my vision. All I could see was Edward's face enveloping my world with eyes staring with intensity straight back into mine.

"It's okay, sweetheart, I'm here." His voice was soothing—velvet folds of security wrapping around me through my sense of hearing.

The screaming in my mind was silenced and calmed by his face and the comfort of his voice.

"Edward," I croaked, sounding like I had truly been screaming for hours on end. I nuzzled my nose against his chest and breathed deep.

His scent was washing over me and relaxing me further.

I wasn't alone.

I would never become my father.

His arms were around me, securing me to him. His hands were running up and down my back- over my shoulders, down my arms and occasionally stroking through my hair.

I was wrapped in a cocoon of Edward.

Through the fear of my recent nightmare, I smiled.

"I love you."

He drew his head back. I raised my eyes to see him smiling down at me.

"I love you, too," he reminded me.

I sighed as he quirked an eyebrow.

"Do you really have to ask what it was about?" I grumbled.

His smile softened and his eyes grew sad. "It will get better, Bella," he promised.

I pulled back from his chest and he shifted his arms to still be around me but not clutching me so tightly.

"That's not what I want to hear."

He smirked and raised a finger to my face. He trailed his finger down my nose and across my lips as he spoke.

"I know. What we want to hear and what is the truth is never the same fucking thing."

I sighed again, rolling on to my back. "How does it get better?"

I could feel him shrug beside me. "It gets… less. Less consuming to want to make it all make sense. Less desire to ever have it the way you wanted it to be. You deal. You move on."

Edward fucking Cullen and his I-just-bounce-right-the-fuck-back-no-worries-on-my-shoulders.

I watched the darkness seeping back into the corners of the ceiling as the sun continued to rise.

"You know… when I was a kid," I whispered to the exiting shadows. "There was this day. This one day that I was at his house all alone with him. I was sick. Renee was at some party with Runny and Em was at some sort of sports camp. I was…" My eyes squinted, trying to see the former me in my head. "Six…five maybe? And he sat with me on the couch all day long. I got to use the fluffy blanket that I got rid of when I turned thirteen and decided I was too cool for shit like that."

Edward laughed.

"And he held me in his lap while we watched the same movie over and over again."

"What was the movie?"

I thought back, seeing me snuggled on top of Charlie's lap and both of us smiling at the characters on the screen.

"Beauty and the Beast. The Disney version. The good version," I clarified. He laughed again.

"It never happened again. Hell… I don't think I even remembered that it happened at all until right now."

The room was silent for a handful of heartbeats after I was done with my half thought-memory.

"So… he loved you," Edward whispered.

Like it had when Alec told me that Charlie's house was my first home, an anger I couldn't comprehend squeezed my guts when he said it. I wanted to deny it.

"Maybe," I admittedly quietly.

"When I was a kid, Ed used to take me to the park. You remember that one I took you with the swings… just like…"

"A block from the house, yeah." I remembered it. Back when we lived in Seattle, Edward had bought me an ice cream cone and taken me for a walk where we ended up sitting on those swings and watching the sun set. It had been one of my favorite days.

"Yeah, that place. He took me there… all of the time. Back when he was…happy. Before the accident. He used to push me on those swings. And helped me build sand castles." His voice was a hushed whisper. An emotion was creeping into the edges of his words that I didn't think he recognized.

Edward never talked about Ed.

He had told me just about everything there was to know about his deadbeat mother, Tanya. But he only ever mentioned in passing that Ed Masen beat his children and then died.

Mr. I-have-no-worries had a button after all. Ed.

"That's where his accident happened. He crashed into the tree at the edge of that park. He was drunk—almost home. He swerved to miss traffic and hit that tree."

It was quiet for a long time. The shadows were all but gone. I made no move to ask for more information. I wasn't exactly sure what part of that story was meant to reassure me. Mostly, I figured we were just sharing moments. I felt safe and confided in him, and for the first time since I met him, Edward was doing the same with me.

Finally, he drew in a sharp, deep breath. "I started taking Jazz down there once he was big enough. Used to push him on the swings. Dared him to eat some of the sand," he chuckled as I swatted his chest. "I was a kid myself, baby. And I was too scared to stay in that house every second of the day. So I decided to take my kid brother out. Did the… the dad thing with him. Because I loved him. And I knew when I was his age, that's what my dad did with me to make me feel loved."

I put my hand on his cheek and drew his focus to my face. "We're fucked up," I whispered.

He smirked, my crooked smile smirk.

"I think you're on to something there, Ms. Swan."

I took a deep breath and started running my index finger over the angles of his face—just like I used to when he slept, back when we lived together. He was awake now, and I let my adoration for him flow through my touch. Down his straight nose. Across his high cheek. Edward closed his eyes and all but purred. I traced his eyebrows, one at a time and swirled my finger around his lips.

He puckered his lips and kissed my finger on the third pass.

"I don't get the shot for sex, sweetheart."

Last night, only a few short hours earlier in fact, I had been angry with his assumption. He saw birth control as an indicator that I was having sex. I couldn't see any way to talk to him without feeling I had to defend myself. I had different eyes now. I didn't want to challenge him. I didn't want to make him understand me through bitter words of hate. I just wanted to help him see me.

His brown eyes blinked up at me in confusion and trust.

"It's part of my…treatment. Control." I shrugged my shoulders and tried to find the right way to explain myself. "When I woke up… well, Jazz can tell you this part better… but I hated me. Hated this." I waved towards my body, tears ready to flow. I had thought looking at myself in the mirror and owning my actions was the hardest stage of my therapy.

I was wrong.

Looking Edward in the eye… was a thousand times more difficult.

His arms secured around me and his face was inches from mine. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella. Just tell me, baby," he whispered.

"I tried to kill myself."

He blanched at my words. They were matter-of-fact. I wanted my life to end back then.

"I wanted to not go on living…for a very long time…just stop…existing. I held on to you, Edward, held on to the promise of living for you. But I couldn't stand this body." My chest was heavy admitting this. Facing it. Looking him in the eyes as I finally confessed the reason he could never touch me back then.

"It betrayed me…betrayed us."

He listened. He rubbed my back. His eyes even teared up. But he didn't interrupt me with words.

"Taking birth control is like me being able to trust my body. Like training wheels on a bike. Yes. Eventually the goal is to work up to having sex. But… mostly it was to help me not fear my body. Getting pregnant has been my biggest…It's terrified me since I was fifteen. Taking birth control was like a night light, you know?"

He nodded. Just like when we were kids, his eyes didn't shine with pity but rather just emotion. Edward looked sad and pissed all at once.

"I love you." His words were strong, and clear in the morning light. There was a time I was naïve enough to think that just being able to say those words could mend everything.

They couldn't undo time and fix my mistakes. Nor could they pay my bills. There was a lot in this world that would remain evil and wrong despite the two of us saying those three little words to each other.

But I was healed more and more, each time he reminded me that he loved me. Each time those words passed his lips… a part of me kept breathing…kept wanting to breathe.

"But I really do think we need a rule book here… or we at least need…you know," he mumbled and shrugged. "Find some way to warn each other before we talk about stuff. I've ceased to make sense," he chuckled drowsily. I noticed his eyes were droopy with the need for sleep. One more time I was forcing him to deny his needs to help me.

"I'm tired of fighting and crying," I mumbled sagging against him. "I love you, and I wish I could just be a normal girl who could just enjoy you being here and loving me."

He chuckled, sounding like his eyes were shut already and he was succumbing to slumber. I was cradled against his chest, feeling almost lulled to sleep by the even rhythm of his breaths.

"What did I tell you about fucking normal?" he grumbled in a sleepy voice.

"Mike Newton is normal," I repeated, yawning against his still naked pecks. Didn't he own a shirt?

I felt his head nod and his arms squeezed around me. "And, last time I checked, he's not here." Even though he was nearly unconscious, you couldn't miss the gloat in his voice.

I rolled my eyes. "Please promise me that you won't go out of your way to torture that poor guy. He was a really, really good friend to me, Edward," I pushed back and gave him my "Bella means business" glare.

His eyes were all but closed and he tried, very hard, to keep a straight face.

"I'll do my best, Ms. Swan."

-**-Bookends-**-

(one week later)

I ran to my bedroom, tossing my keys and purse on my bed and nearly missed the chair as I landed in front of my computer. It was almost four o'clock. I turned on the machine and entered my login information. My foot tapped anxiously on the floor.

Since when did technology move slower than dinosaurs?

Finally my desktop loaded and I selected the icon for Skype. I was nearly giddy to see he was already logged in. Everyday since he left for Seattle, he called me at four o'clock on the dot. Yesterday was the first time I thought of this.

I could freaking kiss Alec for mentioning it to me yesterday morning during my session. I never realized how much I missed Edward's face. He was gorgeous, of course, so it wasn't hard to understand why anyone would want to see him all of the time. But what I missed was being able to read what he was thinking. Edward could read me like an open book—one that was written for toddlers and only had a few words on the page with lots of illustrations. I wasn't that complex of a mystery.

But Edward was. I never knew what he was thinking. How he felt about something. He had perfected a mask his entire life to protect himself from the cruelty around him. He didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable he was. Truth was, he was easy enough to read, too. You just had to look into his eyes.

To anyone else, they were brown eyes—dark as semi sweet chocolate and at times as thick as mud with the amount emotions swirling in them. There was no way to pretty up that color in words. Brown was brown to most people. Not as happy as yellow. And nowhere near as passionate as red. There weren't stones I could compare it to. Nor was there any way to truly capture the subtle changes in the vibrancy of the shade when his moods changed.

Brown was just brown. But brown was gorgeous and deep with Edward. Like the melted, sweet, delicious confection that was a chocolate chip in a freshly baked cookie, Edward's eyes could pour over you and make you hunger for their return as soon as they were devoured by your appetite.

I licked my lips as my screen loaded the video. Comparing Edward to cookies was not helping either my 'I'm sleeping alone' complex or my 'I should give up sweets' mission.

There was a button you hit once you saw that someone wanted to talk to you that turned on the camera. I adjusted my camera using the preview box on my screen. But I was quickly distracted from pressing my button when I saw that Edward already had his camera turned on.

He must have just flipped it on as soon as he logged in. He had his head down and his eyes were focused intently on something below the camera.

Sketching. No doubt he was passing the time, waiting for me, by drawing something. Waiting for me. After all of this time… all the shit we put each other through by being too afraid to talk to each other… he was still just as eager to see me as I was to see him.

He must have received some indication that I was on because he glanced up as if he just knew I was watching him.

I could describe Edward's eyes for hours. Well, maybe not the color but definitely the sensation that having those two orbs aimed at me created in me. But I could never describe his smile.

He glanced directly at his camera, and thereby looking directly at me and his lips melted into that crooked smile that was all Edward. There were no words to really tell what he looked like when he did that. It was a combination of sexy and dorky. Quiet and roaring. Lazy but in control. And when you knew he was flashing it just for you… my heart flipped a little and I lost my breath for a second.

I would never love anything the way I loved this man.

"Turn on your camera, Bella. I can see that you're here," he informed me.

I sighed. I was enjoying my voyeurism.

I clicked open and tried to offer him half the welcome he gave me with his stunning smile. I knew it wouldn't come close to comparing. No one was as beautiful as Edward.

"Hey gorgeous."

I snorted. He was calling me gorgeous?

"Hey, Mr. Magoo," I teased. He laughed.

"Rule number one," he said, holding up a finger. I rolled my eyes. He was going to take this rule shit seriously apparently. "You will not be putting yourself down anymore. You are beautiful. And I can tell you that as often as I want."

"Geez, you're bossy," I huffed.

He glared and I giggled. The mental image of Edward in his apartment glaring at his computer was too cute.

"And you're even more beautiful when you laugh."

I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to roll my eyes again. I didn't comment on the rule or the compliment. I understood what he was saying. Alec often tried to encourage a less self-deprecating voice to come from my head too. There wasn't really one in there, though.

Maybe one day I could allow Edward to tell me I was pretty and smart and a good person. But I didn't know if I would ever believe him. Didn't think that I would ever be able to say any of that stuff about myself because I thought it was true.

"Can I make up rules too?"

His smirk pulled far enough to flash some of his teeth. It made me shiver at the memory of what his teeth could do.

"Sure."

"Okay…" I bit my lip and thought about it. What did I think Edward and I needed to keep in mind with each other?

"Bella?"

Well, that answered that. "Rule number two," I held up to fingers and wiggled them around for emphasis. He chuckled. "Give it time. I know that there's a comfort level we both feel right now, Edward. But there are also a lot of pitfalls we both have in our way. Don't get discouraged when you find mine popping up too fast, 'kay?"

His eyes grew dark and his face scrunched in confusion. "What do you mean?"

I sighed and looked at my hands.

"Stop that." His voice was perturbed.

I glanced up. "Stop what? Thinking?"

He shook his head, confusion still the dominant mood on his features. "No. Rule number three. We always look each other in the eye. I can't see… you without seeing your eyes," he explained.

I sat, blinking. Wasn't that why I loved to see his eyes when we talked?

"Okay. Back to rule number two. I meant that… as much as we want to trust each other, we both have lived apart for a very long time. I don't really know you." I waved to the image on my computer screen. "I knew the you five years ago but not the you that is here now. And, trust me, this has changed too," I finished, waving toward myself.

"I know that, Bella."

"I know you know but we can't expect that we know what isn't known. You know?"

Edward laughed and shook his head. "The funniest fucking thing about that is, you actually just made perfect sense." He nodded. "Got it, baby, we'll just roll with the punches."

I smiled. "Exactly. So…how was your day?"

He shrugged. "Okay. Kate has some dinner parties scheduled for the next week or so. It's going to be that political schmoozing kind of bullshit that I hate in this industry but it's a living."

"So… um… tell me about this Kate person," I asked, trying for nonchalance and failing horribly. Edward tried not to laugh at me. He knew that I could be jealous when I wanted to be.

"She's a good buddy. My manager, but also my friend. She… helped me build Cullen Mastery…"

"Cullen Mastery?" I had heard Alice talking about that before but never put it together with Edward's name.

"That's the name of my company. My art is a… registered trademark," he said, putting his hands up by his face and giving the phrase air quotes. "We sell prints and other stuff." He shrugged. Who was being self-deprecating now?

"And other stuff?" I prodded, not planning on letting the Kate discussion drop altogether just yet.

"I also have a foundation… organization…whatever the legal term they finally decided on was. It's an art school in New York. One for under-privileged youth. Well, the arts… music, art and drama."

My mouth hung open. Really? I spent the last five years digging my way out of a ditch of depression. Only writing a book because I needed some way to vent the hailstorm in my head. And only being able to publish that book because the guy in front of me sent me the money to me to do it. But Edward built his name and his art into a corporation. One that not only was lucrative for his future but that helped give children an opportunity at reaching their dreams as well.

I scowled.

"What?"

"Nothing," I grumbled.

"Bella…"

I huffed. "I'm trying not to break rule one. Give me a sec."

He laughed. "It sounds more impressive than it is. I promise. It's easy to accomplish shit when you have money, Bella, trust me."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. I keep meaning to thank you for that, too."

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to mix my 'I'm not worthy' angst with his 'I made something of myself' speech.

Plus, I wanted to know more about this chick he'd just built his empire with.

"Kate," I reminded him.

"Is a friend, Bella, nothing more."

I pursed my lips and glared. Bullshit. No woman, even if she was a ninety-two year old lesbian, would not want something to do with Edward.

"So then, tell me about her."

"She's tough. She gets the job done. She carries a bat…"

"She what?"

He laughed. "Kate's not afraid to get her point across in the end. She keeps a baseball next to her desk and when people get pissy…" he shrugged.

"Are you serious?"

He nodded with a sincere face. "Yep. She's actually swung it at me a time or two."

"I…why…what…"

"Bella?" Edward interjected. "Can we just talk about us, or other stuff? I spend all day at work and I have a dinner party to attend tonight in a few hours. I would rather not spend all my time with you talking about that."

"No," I pouted. "You are deflecting my question."

"No I'm not. I told you about Kate. What else did you ask?" His voice was irate but that wouldn't scare me from the subject. In fact that just pushed me to believe there was more for him to tell.

"I was implying a question, Edward, and you are purposely trying to ignore it. Have you and Kate ever…" I made a face that and nodded my head.

What he did next shocked me to the core. Edward mother fucking Cullen actually blushed. His cheeks flushed and even the tips of his ears turned pink. He looked sheepish and broke rule number three.

I snapped my fingers. "Hey buddy, eyes forward," I barked.

He let out a nervous laugh and swallowed like it was hard for him to speak. "We've never… done that," he started. My heart sunk. What had they done? "Look… Kate's a good friend and yes… she has expressed…oh fuck," he grumbled.

I couldn't help it. I pouted and pictured what this Kate must look like. All tall, leggy and blonde, no doubt. Beautiful and successful, like him. A part of the art world, like him. A part of his everyday life.

"Don't look like that. It's not like I wasn't engaged to her or anything." His sarcastic glare did little to help my wounded ego.

"True. But Mike never once kissed me or even touched me without me initiating the contact. In fact, I put my own engagement ring on my own finger."

"Rule number four," Edward amended in a quiet and sad sounding voice. "No more mentioning Newton touching you. Ever."

I was offended in what he implied. That my having anything to do with the guy who helped me work through my pain was a bad thing. That my relationship with Mike was something ugly and tainted and too disgusting for words. I knew his anger was rooted in the same type of jealously I was experiencing, but I hadn't told him to never have any further contact with Kate.

"So… has Kate ever touched you?"

Edward scowled harder at me. "What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Answer the fucking question, Cullen. Did. She. Touch. You?"

He thought about it. It was like watching someone trying to figure out a very complicated math problem.

"Um…I don't know?" The blush was back, with a vengeance and he was looking at me like what he said was a question more than a statement.

"The night I…" His eyes wandered off the screen and he seemed to be looking at something like it explained everything. "There was this one night. I hadn't been back in the States long. And…one day I'll explain my issue with drinking…" I opened my mouth but he held up one finger to silence me. "So that night I… did something that reminded me of you…which leads to me drinking… which led to getting my tattoo."

He nodded like he had finally answered the question for himself.

"Where did Kate touching you come in to play?" I asked perplexed.

"Oh, Kate was with me when I was drinking…. Come to think of it her friend was the bartender… Lisa…Tracy… something like that. Anyway… she kept me well boozed and Kate talked me into getting a tatt. She took me to some new place she had heard of. I kind of remember the artist… Margie…Mary…whatever… neither of them liked what I chose. Said it was too simple." He shrugged. "All I wanted was a memory of you. A… scar on my flesh to remind myself that you had been there."

My turn to blush. Edward smiled as he noticed the change in my cheeks.

"I do remember the chick who inked me was handsy too. And not just with me. I don't remember much after that."

I scowled.

"Oh…" he cleared his throat. "I think Kate touched me that night because I wasn't wearing my shirt when I woke up. Pants were still on though and I was passed out on the floor in the bathroom so I'm guessing I wasn't something she wanted to touch much that night."

The image of Edward getting drunk in a bar with a group of women, a "handsy" tattoo artist marking his skin and then this Kate touching him was bouncing behind my eyes.

"Oh, well… that explains the tattoo, I guess," I offered.

He smirked. "Yeah, I wish I could say I regretted getting it but," he shrugged, "I never have. I like it. I feel like…I see you when I see it."

My turn to blush.

"Oh." I drew my bottom lip between my teeth and tried to come up with something phenomenal to say. Nothing.

"Bella?" I looked up to see his brown eyes serious, with a hint of a twinkle in them.

"Now that we've gone over some rules, and gotten the Kate and Mike talk out the way..."

I scowled—Mike was nothing like Kate.

"Can we get down to business?"

I raised my eyebrow in question.

"Cyber sex."

He said it completely straight-faced. So matter of fact. If I hadn't spent the last nearly twenty years of my life knowing Edward Cullen I might have taken him seriously.

"You bastard."

He roared with laughter on his end of the video connection.

He winked. That damn, suave, crotch-wetting Edward Cullen style of winking. "Baby… you know you want to."

The funny thing was that didn't make me blush. It kind of…sounded like fun.

"Get naked," I commanded, straight-faced, with a hint of a smirk in my eyes.

His eyes turned wicked. His shirt was pulled over his head before I could blink.

"Don't mind if I do."

-**-Bookends-**-

(the next day, Port Angeles)

I stood outside the building for entirely too long. My mind was bouncing between this is the stupidest idea you have ever had to… it would be so fucking sexy to have some mark of Edward on my body.

He said that last night, that his tattoo was a reminder of me. That every time he saw it on his body, it was like seeing me.

I shivered. His tattoo sat at the perfect place on his abdomen that it almost pulsed when his body was gripped in the strain of release.

I made a mental note to thank Alec for the idea of those damn cameras. And to thank Edward for the suggestion of cyber sex.

I bit my lip. A girl emerged from behind the neon-lighted glass door, smiling and pulling out her phone. It didn't seem that bad. How bad could it be really? Physical pain was nothing.

Right?

I plucked up the courage and headed across the street. Edward had told me the name of the tattoo parlor he visited in Seattle, the one where he got his tattoo. I called the place this morning and asked for Mary. It was the best Edward could do with an exact name.

MJ, was apparently the name she went by now. I was told MJ had moved to PA for a couple of months. For some unexplainable reason I got in my car almost the second I hung up the phone and had been standing outside the tiny building ever since.

Deep breath, and I was through the door.

"Hello," a friendly-faced girl said from a chair in the corner. She sat straddled across the chair, reading a magazine. Her tri-colored hair was loosely pulled back to display her many silver appendages studded in her ears.

I swallowed. Hard.

What the fuck was I doing?

"Hi…I uh… was interested in…"

"Oh, you are fucking adorable," a different voice said from a doorway to a back room. This woman was completely different from the one in the chair. Both sported tatts, and both had several piercings, but the women in the doorway wore a pencil skirt and button down charcoal top. Her hair was dark, curly and pulled into a loose braid. She seemed out of place here.

I tried to smile, but the bile in my throat was making the happiness required for a smile hard to come by.

"You okay, sweetheart?" Multicolored hair girl asked.

I nodded. "I have to get this done before I back out," I said as quickly as I could.

The business chick laughed and blinked at me. "Ink is not something you want to end up regretting, babe. Trust me." She walked past the chick in the chair and they fist bumped over some secret they shared.

"Tell you what," chair girl said, jumping up from her seat and prancing over to me. "Why don't you come have a seat and we'll talk about what you want. That over there," she waved to business woman, "is my significant other. Pay her no attention, please. She actually was just on her way out." The woman waved at me but headed back to the back room without speaking.

"I'm MJ." Her smile was inviting and I took the hand she offered with relief, trying to not shake out my fears with her arm.

I followed her to the chair and sat in it, facing forward. "I want this." I pulled out the delicate chain that hung around my neck, revealing one of my most prized possessions.

"Wow," MJ whispered. "That's freaking sweet. Cool image. The flaming apple." She smiled up at me, trying to put me at ease.

I felt my lips match hers. She was pretty good at keeping me calm. "It's…there's this guy."

"Rule number one, babe, never get inked because of dude," came a voice from the back room.

"Stop with the Yoda of tatts shit, for fuck's sake. Your keys are in my bag. I'll see you next week," MJ yelled.

"Now, this guy… tell me about him… what does this mean to you two?"

I thought back to our childhood, back to the postcards that Edward sent me. I remembered the night he gave me this necklace.

MJ was watching me, she scrutinized my eyes. "Okay…where?"

I hadn't spoken a word. Hadn't answered any of her questions. "What?"

She pulled out a notebook and started sketching. "You want it…you need it. I can tell. Just tell me where to put it."

We debated. We held up mirrors. I realized that my ass was not something I needed to see in a three hundred and sixty degree mirror and we picked a spot.

She raised the needle to my back…and forever, Edward was a part of me.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (Forks, two weeks later)

I stood back, glaring at all the basket options. Bella had only said she wanted a picnic. She didn't give me any specifics. How the hell was I supposed to surprise her with this shit?

There were small ones. Wicker ones. Plastic buckets that were just painted to look like a wicker basket. Some were huge. I had no idea what I was going to be serving. So I had no clue how big or small to get the damn thing.

My arms stayed folded over my chest, just as they had for the last twenty minutes. The fucking outfitters only had twelve aisles. I was bound to draw attention eventually.

My face scrunched in frustration and my eyes just kept scanning the baskets.

"Can I help you with anything, Sir?"

Fuck.

I didn't have to turn to know who that was. He didn't need me to turn to realize who he was trying to help.

"Um…" I really wanted to tell him to fuck off. But I also wanted to wow my baby.

I pointed the baskets all casual like. "Which one is the best for picnics?" There was a teenage version of myself rolling up his sleeves and getting ready to kick his older self's ass.

Fucking sitting in a sporting goods store, asking prick Mike Newton to tell you about picnic baskets? I rolled my eyes. You are so fucking whipped, Cullen.

Mike sincerely looked at each basket. He even took out a tape measure and sized a few up. Then he pulled out one and handed it to me. "This is the Coleman picnic express. It should hold everything you need. If you need a cooler, we have a matching one to this model right over here…" He kept speaking as he turned toward the back of the store.

Times like these I really wished I didn't have to be a fucking romantic with my girl. Truth be told, Bella would probably end up laughing her ass off at the very idea of me in here shopping for this shit. She'd blush and tell me I shouldn't have bothered with the big show because all she needed was me.

Well, that was the fucking problem, damn it, she always just got me. Tomorrow was going to be about something special just for her.

"Here you are." Newton shoved an ice chest towards me, and I wanted to clock him in the nose with it. Only thing stopping me from sending him on his ass was Bella's glare in my head.

"Unfuckingbelievable," I grumbled.

"It's no party for me, princess," Mike muttered.

I froze, mid-step. Did that bastard seriously….

"What the fuck did you call me, prick?"

Truth be told, I had earned a reputation my first couples years living in Forks for being a trouble maker. When Bella hit high school I earned a rep as a debauching, using, temperamental asshole that was good at swinging his fists. Newton should have been afraid of me.

Newton would have been afraid of me.

If he hadn't spent the last two years having the one thing I wanted.

"You heard me," he spat, squaring his shoulders and glaring at me, fucking fire in his eyes and everything.

"Oh… I see… Newton's finally grown a pair." Two could play that game, Junior, and I was taller, broader and angrier than him on his best day.

"Fuck you, Cullen," he hissed.

"Michael!" A shrill female voice yelled from two aisles over.

Shit…Mrs. Newton. Even I knew better than to piss her off.

I grabbed my picnic accessories and headed to the cash register. I noted Newton being bitched out by mama as I left the store. I almost felt bad for the guy.

Nah…not really.

My phone buzzed in my pocket when I got to the car. Kate. I rolled my eyes. She was lucky it was a text and not a call. She promised me this weekend free.

Hey dumbass, sold anymore of the company lately?

I snarled under my breath.

Don't give me shit about what I do with my company. I left you your half.

I lifted the picnic supplies into the trunk, slamming the lid when I read her next reply.

Edward, don't make me kick your ass.

I groaned. Was today kick Cullen in the balls day?

Kate, it's my company, my choice. I don't need to be CEO. I want a life. A family. I can't do that if I'm always working.

I no sooner hit send than my phone started ringing. I shook my head.

"What."

"Always so hostile anymore, Eddie, it's very unattractive."

"I'm not having this discussion with you right now. I told you that I would be back in Seattle…"

"In two days, I know. I'm just wondering why I had to find out about you leaving this way? Come on, Edward, we're partners."

I frowned. Kate had been a lifesaver for me after I returned home. She helped me find my confidence. Helped me become successful.

She was as close to a best friend, outside of Bella and Jazz, as anyone ever was for me. But I refused to let her become my Mike Newton.

"I'll still do the art end of it… you know that. But I just…can't go to parties, and openings and galas, and all that bullshit endlessly. I need time…with her. I've missed out on too much of it already."

The line was quiet. This felt a hell of a lot like breaking up. I leaned against the side of my car.

"We'll talk later."

And with that, she hung up. I let out a frustrated breath between two very tight lips. I closed my eyes and pictured Bella. I was a rat bastard to even think it but I was okay with breaking off my working relationship with Kate if it meant I got to keep my girl.

"Women trouble?"

Asshole was looking to get beat today.

"Keeping walking, Newton. I wouldn't want mommy to have to punish you twice in one day."

"You hurt her… and I'll kill you… you…you Cullen."

I laughed. "Yeah, that would be the worst damn thing you could think of, right?" I taunted. "I mean…we're all just a bunch of drunk, divorcee, motherless, sex-changing stains on this precious little town aren't we?"

He huffed, scowling at me like he wished I'd just drop dead.

"She's been through enough…"

"Michael," I interrupted, seething with eyes that were barely slits of focused energy. "Anything you think you can tell me about what my girl has gone through, you just keep to your Goddamn self. I can promise you, you don't know shit about it. And I'm not kidding when I say… I will end you."

Rage contorted my face in lines of contempt that made him take a step back, swallowing and looking like he was about to piss his pants.

"I get it, you care about her. But it ends there. Leave us alone. Starting right now."

With that, I got in to my three hundred and seventy five thousand dollar car and drove off.

-**-Bookends-**-

The alarm was blaring in my ear. I grumbled and rolled over. It was too damn early to even consider waking up.

"Edward," a lovely voice cooed.

I was in that place, where you're not quite awake but not totally asleep. My dreams had been filled with thoughts of Bella. Her body wrapped around me and her voice calling out my name… like she had the other night during our cyber date.

Bella liked to purr mid-orgasm… Just the memory of that sound was working me up.

"Edward…" It was hard to discern if the voice was in my dream… or outside of the fuzzy world of sleep that I found myself in.

I felt a body shift over me and the annoying screeching sound was silenced.

That answered that. Bella was in bed with me.

I smiled. Her current position had her chest angled right above my nose. I nuzzled my face into her warm skin and sighed.

"Why in the hell did you have your alarm set for six a.m.?" She complained sleepily and rolled back to the bed carrying my face with her bosom.

I mumbled a muffled 'I don't know'. The layers of fog that comes with deep sleep started to take me over once more.

Then I remembered.

"Shit!" I shot out of bed and ran to the bathroom.

"Edward?" Bella called to the now empty bedroom.

"Go back to the sleep, baby. I…uh…just need to do stuff." I thumped my forehead against the bathroom door. I hadn't anticipated Bella spending the night last night. We didn't do anything but sleep, and talk…damn, we were getting good at the talking thing… but it was nice.

Nice but not planned.

I got ready as quietly as I could. Left the rose with the instructions for her on my empty pillow. Kissed her forehead as gently as I could and headed out.

Alice was waiting for me at the house when I drove up.

She was bouncing with excitement. "Oh, Edward. You big softy! It's like…like some scene from a romance novel or something."

I blushed and smiled. "You think she'll like it?"

Alice gave me one of her very unladylike snorts and headed into the kitchen. "Of course she will."

She handed me the picnic basket, filled with everything that I needed.

"Now…remind me again how you came up with this?"

I headed out to the garage with the basket in hand, feeling rather satisfied with myself as I explained.

"Bella and I were talking the other day about dating. We never did the whole dating thing. So we described our version of a date. She said she wanted to spend a night in our meadow. A picnic under the stars."

Alice made one of those high pitched girlie approval sounds.

I pulled out Carlisle's old bike. Checked and filled the gas. I took a couple of cables and tied down the basket to the back of the bike. It was going to be a tight fit for both of us to ride it.

"Wait a minute… you said under the stars… Edward, it's seven in the morning. You've got it all wrong."

I peeked up at my adopted sister through my lashes, smirking crookedly. "Well, I don't want to only spend the night with her. I want to spend all day…and night with her. So if we head over in the morning, we'll have a full day before we get to enjoy the stars together too."

Alice swooned at my words. I heard a distinct snort from the garage door.

"Never thought I'd see the day." Jazz came up behind me and wrapped his arms around his giggling wife.

"Shut it. I missed out on the whole woo thing."

"Holy shit," Jazz's face lit up. "Did you…You… Edward… say the word woo?"

Alice giggled again. I sighed, praying to the merciful demon in the sky that sometimes saw fit for me to have a semi-decent day that no one point out my blush.

I pushed the bike out of the garage, coming face to face with a pair of big green eyes.

Eyes that twinkled like I assumed girls eyes twinkled when their owner was being wooed.

I felt my lips part in a genuine smile. Nothing made me happy like being with my baby.

"So," Bella held up the note I had left in our bed this morning. "What's all this about?"

She eyed the bike with slight trepidation. She probably hadn't been on the damn thing since the night she rode it down to La Push. There was probably some fear wrapped around it's presence with us right now. Well…that was something I wanted to make an effort to do, too.

Showing Bella that the things we feared in our past could be changed in our eyes now.

I straddled the bike, pulling her across my lap with no explanation. "My lady," I whispered.

The meadow was less than five minutes from the house. More like an extension of the backyard really. Bella grumbled the whole way to our location that we were completely unsafe without helmets.

"Live a little, babe," I teased.

I spread out the blanket and we emptied out the basket. An entire day. Just me, and Bella and talking.

No. Not just talking. We were learning. Watching. Sighing and smiling. I loved the way the breeze caught her hair and never missed an opportunity to put it neatly back behind her ear when I strand fell out of place.

She leaned in to wipe away stray ketchup from my lips, knowing exactly what she did to me when she put her finger in her mouth and sucked off the offensive condiment.

I spent the whole damn day with too tight pants.

She rested in my lap and watched the clouds dancing in the sky. I drove us back to the house when she needed a bathroom break and then we would return to our picnic, our little slice of heaven hidden away in the woods.

When the sun started to fade from the sky, it was time for her to bring up that subject she just never seemed to get over.

"Can I see your tattoo?"

"Are you asking me to get naked?" I tried to tease.

She shifted off of my lap to face me. "No. I haven't really been able to see it. Admire it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only girl on earth who hasn't been able to gawk at it."

I groaned. When was this woman ever going to learn that every other female on earth could throw herself at me, I would only ever want my Bella.

I pulled my shirt over my head without a word. "There were only two…maybe three women, tops, who saw my chest that night, baby." She reached out and started tracing the B with her finger.

"Why just the B? You're an artist, Edward—you could have designed anything you wanted."

"I only wanted you, Bella. No…frills…no fancy shit. Just you."

"I wish I could have been there," she whispered, so softly I was certain I wasn't supposed to hear it.

Her face fell and she kept tracing the B on my side over and over with her finger like she thought she could erase from my skin and by so doing erase the past five years.

"Bella," I whispered, cupping my hand under her chin but not forcing her to look up at me.

"I don't give a fuck who has seen my chest."

She started to grumble under her breath.

I shoved her off of me unceremoniously and stood up. For about two point five seconds I wondered if anyone would come along and find us in the meadow. It was getting dark so it would be hard for a passerby to really see what was going on. Bella looked up at me, her eyes full of self doubt and worry, and I figured it was their own fucking fault if someone stumbled on to us.

I held her eyes with my own and dropped my pants and boxers—stripping faster than Erebos on his birthday.

She didn't pull her gaze from my eyes but I could tell the second she realized I was naked—her cheeks and the tip of her nose turned bright red.

I let my mind swim in the mother fucking boost that her desire for me gave my ego.

"All those girls might have seen this," I reached down and pulled her hand up to my abs, bringing it to rest over her B. "But only you will ever see this," I vowed drawing her hand over to my erect cock.

Bella gasped and couldn't resist the urge to look any longer.

Just like she had when we explored with our webcams, she devoured the sight of me with her eyes.

Fuck, this woman would be the death of me. With just one look from her more than eager face, I could feel myself growing and near burning under her delicate touch.

"Oh," she whispered and peeked up at me. She was fully dressed. We were out in the middle of an open field. We hadn't even been talking about sex or even practicing our new found love of foreplay.

But fuck me if I wasn't already half-way to coming the instant her soft fingers wrapped around me.

"Fuck," I said more as a shaky release of breath rather than an actual exclamation.

Only a moment before I had felt completely in control.

It was really fucking just…just that perfect kind of irony that was standing with my girl on her knees in front of me. Her wet, hot mouth inching closer to my straining dick… and night was falling, covering the scene in darkness.

Would it be rude to search for a flashlight? Yes, motherfucker it would be.

Etiquette was lost on me here. Think Cullen! Think!

"Uh…Bella.. you…" I tried to talk. Today was about her. If anyone should be getting head right now, it should be her.

I tried to say that.

But then her tongue flicked out and licked the precum from my tip—her lips were sliding over my shaft, and all I could do was moan as I felt myself sink into her warmth.

I released a breath with one long, slow "Fuck." And she moaned around me. My knees were ready to buckle at the sensation of the sounds she was making.

I threaded my fingers through her hair and held on for the ride. Feeling like the nearly fucking virgin that I was.

It didn't take long, I'll admit it, her mouth felt fucking spectacular around my cock and I was panting, sweating and nearly crying out like a bitch every time she slid her tongue along me as she moved. I don't know if she was good. I didn't have any basis for comparison. But she felt damn perfect to me.

There's this thing that happens to a guy's brain when he's fucking the most precious mouth in the universe. This thing where his brain just explodes and he loses all control at being that romantic gentleman that got up at the buttcrack of dawn to assemble a perfect afternoon for his girl. He no longer has the ability to speak soft, kind words to the women he loves. And he just starts thrusting with an instinct that is promising him that this will, in fact be, the greatest fuck of his life.

I felt her hands grab my hips as I started to near my climax. I hoped like hell I was warning her somehow. I had no control over my thoughts enough to know whether I wanted her to pull off or ride it through but I did have enough decency to hope she did what she wanted to do.

All at once, the pressure built beyond anything I had ever felt before. Bella held on tight, sucking me through the wave upon wave of pleasure.

When I was done, floating down from one of the most intense moments of my life. I staggered back from her, enough to get a peek at her. The sky was completely dark but for the nearly full moon. I gazed down in wonder at my goddess.

She sat, on her knees, bathed in moonlight with the most pleased expression on her face.

I was still panting, my body felt tingly all over. I shook slightly with an aftershock of pleasure.

Bella leaned forward, raised her eyes to mine through her lashes and kissed my spent cock.

"Mine," she whispered.