Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.
Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.
A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.
As usual I send much love and kisses to my awesome beta- TwilightMomofTwo. Seriously I could never get through this without her.
Chapter 35: I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you please
-**-Bookends-**-
"I'm down on my knees. I'm beggin' you please to come home." (Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel)
Someone like you (Van Morrison)
I've been searching a long time
For someone exactly like you
I've been traveling all around the world
Waiting for you to come through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been travelin' a hard road
Lookin' for someone exactly like you
I've been carryin' my heavy load
Waiting for the light to come
Shining through.
Someone like you makes it
All worth while
Someone like you keeps
Me satisfied. Someone exactly
Like you.
I've been doin' some soul searching
To find out where you're at
I've been up and down the highway
In all kinds of foreign lands
Someone like you…
I've been all around the world
Marching to the beat of a different
Drum.
But just lately I have
Realised
The best is yet to come.
Someone like you…
-**-Bookends-**-
Esme POV
"Are you sure you've got it?" I watched the girl with worried eyes. She was all giggles and smiles—blonde hair, youthful face.
Exasperation was evident in my expression.
I knew Forks was no booming metropolis of high crime but there was a need for authority with the title Chief of Police.
"Don't worry about it, Chief," she promised, winking.
Gail walked behind her with a roll of her eyes. I pretended not to notice.
Retiring, as my daughter would so eloquently put it, sucked.
"Your husband is here to see you, Chief," Deputy Banner announced.
"Thanks," the two of us responded.
"Uh… Chief Baker," Banner corrected sheepishly, pointing to the girl in front of me.
"Oh!" She squeaked, literally giggling out loud.
Giggling. A Chief of police who giggled in her own station. Was that normal? Was I just a hard-ass?
"Esme, what on earth are you doing, making that poor boy get all tongue-tied like that?"
Gail pulled out her kitty post-it pad and started sanitizing her phone. The Monday morning routine—business as usual.
"You haven't officially been Chief for two years. You've only stuck around here because you've got nothing better to do with your day."
I glared at her. My arms were crossed over my chest in defiance. "But today is her first day…shouldn't I be here…" I started to argue.
"To intimidate everyone? No." Gail shook her head, laughing lightly at my expense.
"It's taken this long for us to find anyone who wanted the job. I'm not too sure about the import."
She was young. From back east and she…was just too damn chipper for my taste.
I looked over my shoulder to see Baker sucking face with her equally young, energetic husband.
"Really?" I whined at Gail. She just kept laughing and finished setting up her desk for the day ahead.
"Don't you tell me you don't do that with Dr. Cullen." As every woman did, Gail blushed as she mentioned my husband's name.
"It's not the same… and Carlisle and I always keep it professional at work." It was my turn to blush as I remembered a certain night in this very police station—though Carlisle would contest that he was hardly amateur that night.
"You need to enjoy being retired, Esme. You've earned it."
I watched the young love birds. He kissed her nose as she smiled up at him, her arms locked around his neck.
Retired. Earned it… Those were just thoughts and words that made me feel old. I didn't honestly feel any older than the new Chief of Police. But here I was being shoved out of the door.
"Thanks, Gail," I mumbled.
It was my last business visit to the station but there were no goodbyes. I had technically retired two years ago. Back then, we had cake and everyone gave me a card. The station presented me with a clock—the damn thing was sitting on the mantle at home, ticking away the minutes of my retirement. I was officially put out to pasture. I said a silent goodbye to the building where I'd grown up. This job had supported my kids and me through the toughest years of my life.
"It's all yours," I said, as neutral as possible to the child who would be replacing me.
"Thanks, Chief." Her voice was full of respect, her eyes shining with pride as she smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back.
Aging was the shit end of the lollipop, but knowing she took pride in the job made me feel a little bit more comfortable with handing over my badge to her.
"You gonna let them give you any shit just because you're a girl?" I tapped the badge on her chest and winked.
Her face scrunched in hard lines of determination. "Negative," she barked.
I laughed, she might be one of those too-fucking-cheery-in-the-morning-for-my-taste people, but I knew I would grow to like Chief Baker.
"I'll leave it in your hands then, Tru," I said slapping her on the shoulder and turning to head out.
No parade, no fanfare. Just a 'so long' and I was gone.
It was a beautiful, clear day on my drive back to the house. It only took five minutes to drive from one end of Forks to the other, but those five minutes were filled with sunshine and blue skies. I half expected Disney characters to pop out on the road and start singing about the lack of rain.
I rolled my eyes. It should've been storming-dark thunder clouds just pouring a sheet of water down on the town to match the ache in my chest. Retired. Why didn't they all just call me over the hill and put me in a rocking chair already.
I was going to be so fucking bored now.
Could I actually ever get used to having no place to be but home?
Maybe I could take up baking, or knitting?
Carlisle's car was parked out front when I pulled up. I'd forgotten that Monday's were his day off. I wondered idly if he where he was…I never really knew what he did on his days off. I was always at work.
Maybe he'd be in his study.
Charlie spent all of his time in his study. I never knew what he did in there. I was only permitted entrance to tell him his dinner was ready.
I cringed at the memory of being Charlie's housewife. The world was so devoid of hope back then. I lived for my family, but…that was all there was to my life. I felt like I wasn't me. I was the dishes I prepared for the table. I was the stains that I removed from the laundry. I was the dust that settled on the top shelf of the entertainment unit.
Just the house and the keeping of it. Not me. Not Esme.
I ignored the morning paper that was still rolled up and resting in the bushes to the right of the front door. I needed a good week or so before I started in with the eternal chores that would begin to define my life again.
I shook my head. I needed to get out of this funk. My life in this house with Carlisle was another world compared to that life with Charlie, but the prospect of not having to go to work everyday was starting to look more and more like I was going to become that person again. The person who tried to make something of value out of her days alone. Who made lunch by herself and ate it between chores. Whose husband was always locked away in his office- his temple.
I entered the house quietly, dropping my keys and purse on the counter in the kitchen. There was a note on the fridge that simply said See you soon, baby. I smiled.
He might enjoy his time alone in his study, but Carlisle always welcomed me to join him. In fact, many times he had hunted me down in the house and insisted that I join him there.
I didn't spend much time debating the matter, I wanted to be with my husband, and I let my feet lead the way back to where I knew he'd be.
I knocked timidly on the door. He'd give me that look of his, the one that says Esme don't be ridiculous, but I still felt weird about just walking in to his space without permission.
"That better not be you, wife of mine," he teased from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes and took his taunt as the welcome it was meant to be.
He was sitting at his desk, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. He looked so damn…lickable. He wore a gray t-shirt that hugged his chest. I resisted the urge to drool. His blond hair was graying lightly at his temples. The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes were etched by smiles and not just years.
Men were such assholes. They were allowed to age gracefully, looking so downright gorgeous the older they got.
I felt like a wizened hag at the moment. I tried not to glare at his oh-so-sexy face when he peered at me over his glasses with a smirk.
"Did you say goodbye to the station, my lovely?"
I bit my lip and shrugged. "What was there to say goodbye to?"
He sighed, taking off his glasses and laying them on his desk beside whatever it was he was looking at. Then he did that thing that unnerved me more than anything- he looked at me. Not just… scanned his eyes over the spot where I stood, but looked at me. Studied me like I was a complicated surgery awaiting his expertise. I squirmed as I was washed in midnight blue appraisal.
His eyes danced between interest and hunger—a devilish smile tugging at the edges of his lips.
"Come here," he prompted, holding out his hand to me.
My fingers threaded through his as I came to stand beside him. I smiled. He was looking at pictures of our family.
"I remember that day," I said, pointing at the picture under his glasses. It was of Alice getting ready for her wedding. Her hair and make up perfectly set as Bella and Rose laced her into her dress.
"I've been appreciating my past today… well more importantly, appreciating my time with our family," he said. Carlisle never missed a moment to reflect and appreciate the life we shared. He'd had the worst damn childhood. He carried memories too dark for him to share with even me.
He never took for granted the years of happiness spread out over his desk right now.
I took a moment to appreciate our years together too. So many wonderful memories lay before me. And in almost every picture, everyone looked so happy, Carlisle practically beaming with pride for his children. I lost myself down memory lane as each photo brought a different smile to my lips. I almost didn't notice as my husband stood up.
I sighed, feeling him mold his body to my back. He took my right hand in his and pointed my finger to a picture in the center of the desk. Rose, Em and Carlisle smiled up at me from the photo.
"You remember that day?" he whispered against my neck, his warm breath tickling.
"Mm, that was the day of their engagement party," I moaned lightly when I felt his lips on my shoulder. I couldn't help it. After all these years, all the thousands of touches that had passed between us, I was still shocked to feel his need for me transferred by the meeting of our skin.
"Such a clever memory you have, my lovely. Do you remember," I felt his words kiss a path along the column of my throat to my ear as he spoke, "the day I bought this desk?"
Without conscious thought for the action I placed my hands, palm down, on the solid mahogany desktop. His lips pressed just below my ear at the corner of my jaw and my breath grew shallow.
"Yes," I confirmed with a shaky voice.
I felt his hands glide up my body, his fingers tangling in my hair to release it from the tight confines of the signature Chief Swan bun. I stood perfectly still—like I was in a trance, waiting for his command, completely under his spell.
His fingers massaged my scalp, smoothed down the back of my neck. Flowed down my shoulders and traveled across the curve of my waist. His hands curled around my hips and rested gently against me.
"And?" he prompted.
Fuck but this man could make me come undone with just one word.
My heart was beating erratically—my head swimming in desire. I bit my lip, thinking back to the day we were refurnishing this house together. Carlisle had requested that the office be his domain. The only room in the house he wanted total control over decorating. This desk had been very important to him. He described it in meticulous detail when he found it.
It was an antique partners writing table, with a maroon leather inset, crafted in eighteen thirty-five. To me, it looked like an old table more than a desk. It was beautiful but didn't seem practical. I had voiced as much to him the day it arrived.
I thought back to that day. Trying to go over our conversation to find the answer he was seeking now. I remembered. My breath caught, my pupils dilating and my fingers clawing into the leather surface.
"You said it was sturdy."
His chuckle was dark and full of promise. I held back a moan. It felt like forever since he was like this with me.
Carlisle had been the most loving, attentive and caring husband I could ever ask for. Our days were filled with happiness and our nights were filled with hot sex. Sometimes…even our days were filled with hot sex. But this… this other side of him… I hadn't experienced him much since we were married.
Come to think of it… I hadn't really experienced him since that night in the jail cell.
A shiver ran down my spine as I felt his weight press against my back, forcing my body to bend over the antique desk in front of me.
I sure as hell hoped he was right about its strength. I didn't want it nice and soft today. I needed rough. I needed hard.
I needed him to pound the idea that I was getting too old to be worth a damn right out of me. I wasn't too old for him. I would never be retired as something he craved and desired.
I just needed him to make the rest of the world fade away… and he knew that was what I needed.
"Have you been a good girl, Esme?" he whispered. I didn't know how to respond. I wanted him to be pleased with me, but I also wanted him to spank me.
"Uh," I stammered. I felt him step away from me, the cool air brushing over my flesh in his absence making me feel alone.
I watched as he walked to the door. He locked it, turning and smirking at me over his shoulder. Ever since that first night, when Jazz walked in on us, he was an anal Annie about locking the damn door.
He walked back over to me, slowly, making sure that my eyes were watching him. His eyes were devouring me. I felt my pulse racing faster, thrilled by the promise of his desire.
"Hmm… I don't believe you answered my question, Mrs. Cullen."
I peeked up at him. He was at the opposite side of the desk from me. He had his hands behind his back and was looking at me like an irritated principal looks at a trouble kid.
Oh great, a school girl fetish. I was feeling nothing like a young, effervescent teenager today.
He cocked his head to the side, his brow furrowing. "What is it?" he whispered, breaking the scene. I realized my face must have betrayed my mood.
I shook my head. If I got into whining to him now, he'd stop, make me some hot chocolate and cuddle with me on the couch. And although I would love him dearly for that, and probably even enjoy it… I wanted him to fuck me senseless far more than snuggle right now.
He gave me one last look that said you fucking warn me if this is too much for you and when I smiled up at him he pressed on.
"You know I'm not a patient man. I gave you plenty of opportunity to respond to me," he continued in that authoritative voice that was all Carlisle and pure promise.
"You look like a smart man," I teased back with a hint of snark in my voice. "I'm sure you can figure it out."
His face grew hard, his shoulders straightening, and his eyes burned with hunger.
Fuck yes.
"So, you've been a bad girl then?" I bit my lip as he moved to walk behind me. My body was his - completely. There was never a breath or a sigh that passed my lips anymore that wasn't controlled by Carlisle Cullen.
The anticipation of him touching me was enough to turn me wild. Primal. He reached forward, pulling my hands further across the desk. I ignored the smiling faces of my children that were looking up at me from the pictures scattered about. All that existed right now was this magnificent man in front of me. I was bent fully across the desk, raised up slightly on my forearms, resting on my elbows. My butt was pushed up and waiting for him.
I was at his mercy.
He walked with slow, calculated steps back behind me once more.
"Oh Esme," he clicked his tongue in dissatisfaction. "How many times must I beg you to wear skirts?"
I whimpered when I felt his hand rub against the swell of my backside. I could all but feel the soon to be throb that would follow a spanking by that hand.
"Perhaps that's the problem," I offered in a breathy whisper. "You need to stop begging, and start commanding instead."
His sharp in take of breath was like a shot of adrenaline to my system.
"Take off your pants," he ordered. His voice was cold, almost lethal. My heart rate spiked and I did what I was told.
He reached beside me, pulling out a drawer and removing some unknown object that I could not see. My heart flipped with anticipation.
"Are you telling me how to act, Mrs. Cullen?" he asked in a dark voice. I shivered.
"No, sir."
His hand cupped my left cheek through my silk panties. "It's too late to try to be a good girl now, Esme. You will have to be punished for speaking out of turn."
Punished? He'd never really punished me before. We had played rough. Hell, he hand cuffed me to a cot in the police station once, but I didn't know what to expect from a punishment.
"You remember your safe word, don't you, my lovely?" That was Carlisle. Not the pseudo principal role he was playing, but the loving, concerned husband who wanted to remind his wife that this was a just a game.
"Red," I said simply.
"Good girl." He gave me a starter slap with his hand that landed sharply against my thigh in encouragement.
I growled at the suddenness of the motion, mumbling "shit" under my breath.
"What was that?" The man had bat ears. "Did you just add insult to injury?"
I suppressed a groan. Get to the pounding me with your magical cock already, husband dearest.
"Six strokes," he barked. I had no clue what that even meant. I assumed it meant he'd be spanking me six times. But with what?
The first strike landed right across the center of my ass. It was his hand. His palm spread wide enough to turn the center of my ass bright red. I squeaked.
"You've never been spanked like this, baby," he explained as his hand continued to rise and fall against my bottom. "I have to warm your skin up to it."
I rolled my eyes. A pre-spanking spank? There was a time and place for foreplay… today was not that day for me.
I could feel my flesh turning pink. I tried to adjust myself to the feel of what he was doing.
This was supposed to be enjoyable right?
"Now," he said after several slaps with his hands-my ass throbbing and sensitive. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what it would feel like to receive more punishment than I already had.
"You're ready," he assured me.
I took a deep breath, curling my fingernails against the leather desktop. I braced myself for the pain.
The air seemed to whoosh around the foreign object in his hand and with the first snap of the flat surface smacking my cheek I recognized what he was holding - a ruler.
Taking the whole principal bit to heart, huh, Dr. Cullen?
My brain seemed to be operating on two levels at that moment. In the split second between stroke one, as he drew his hand back for the second strike, I was momentarily relieved. He was using just a plain, everyday ruler. Nothing exotic and slightly overwhelming like a riding crop. Although it was fun to play with Carlisle like this, I was a little unnerved by the prospect of him hiding sex toys in his desk drawers.
The second strike landed and the idea of my husband owning any sex toys that he one day hoped to use on me like this was suddenly a good thought. A really good thought.
A damn good, sexy thought.
I hadn't even realized it'd be possible but as my husband continued to flick his wrist and bring the ruler down in sharp, calculated strikes my body turned the pain into a desire. My skin grew warm. My awareness of his nearness, his scent, his touch was heightened. I hungered for the return of the sting- the reminder that he controlled my body. The growing warmth on my backside was proof that this body was not mine but his.
Each movement he made behind me was like an electric shock with a direct link between my thighs.
He finished, whispering "Six" and our erratic breaths filled the silent room. I was satisfied by the knowledge that he was affected by the exchange, too.
He dropped the ruler on the desk next to me. And I moaned as his hands massaged my aching flesh. I pushed back against his touch, savoring the opposing sensations. His hands were both the instruments of punishment and comfort.
"Very nice," he said, massaging me from my lower back to the back of my thighs. "I'm proud of you, baby."
I don't know why he said it, and I was even more confused by the sudden rush of pride that I felt at his words. He was proud that I could enjoy him spanking me? I really needed to brush up on my BDSM 101. Or maybe I should just call Erebos…
He pulled my panties down just enough for him to press his lips to the base of my spine. I hissed as his teeth nipped my skin gently.
"Now my dear," he whispered against me. "Shall I reward your good behavior?"
I shook my head, biting my lip. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to speak my desire. I looked down and saw a twelve year old Bella staring up at me. Before I could say anything…before I could think… I felt him slip his fingers around the elastic of my underwear and tug.
The sound of silk ripping mixed with my gasp.
He tore my panties off of me? Just ripped them in half…
"Sorry bout the mess, baby, but I really can't wait."
"C-C-Car…Carlisle…" I stammered as I felt his fingers slip between my thighs as his knee nudged my legs further apart. I moaned as he continued to tease me.
"I know, baby, I know," he rasped.
"Turn me over," I begged. He growled his disapproval of my command.
"I can't do this with my kids looking up at me!"
He stopped. My forehead hit the desktop as he stepped back, worry in his voice. "How did they get in?" he shouted.
"The pictures, idiot," I grumbled in exasperation—feeling the tingles fading from my limbs. I pouted at the thought that we might be done before we really started.
Stupid foreplay.
He was silent for a moment. I briefly registered the word "oh" before I was spun hard and fast. My ass slapped down against the cool leather—my legs instinctively curling around his waist.
Wicked eyes stared down at me. "Better, baby?"
I nodded, breathlessly.
He leaned down and let his tongue continue the dance his fingers had started from the other position. In no time I was back to feeling the ache for him in every inch of my body.
He made no move to remove my shirt. In fact he still wore his clothing, only pushing his pants down far enough to expose his need for me.
In the end…it was not a hard pounding of bodies thrusting against each other as I had thought I wanted when I entered his office.
Rather we slid in tandem—a rhythm set by our bond. My skin was both flushed and cooled against the antique surface of his desk. Lips were soft but persistent against my lips, my neck…my breasts.
My fingers threaded through his hair as my back arched in pleasure.
There was something to be said for having an afternoon free.
If my husband greeted me like this every time he saw me… I could definitely see the benefit for having nowhere to be but home.
-**-Bookends-**-
BPOV (one month later)
I stuck out my tongue and ran my toothbrush across it delicately. Even now I had a hard time looking in my mouth and not trying to imagine Edward's… big toe in it.
I rolled my eyes.
Grow the fuck up Bella. If you can put the damn thing in your mouth and suck it off you can give it a name.
Penis…. Cock…Dick…. Little Eddie. I snorted at the thought. Demon Eddie, more like it.
I smirked. Demon Eddie. Perfect.
I rinsed my mouth out, putting away my toothbrush. What did Edward call it?
I looked myself in the eyes in the mirror. Did he have a twisted nickname for my privates?
No doubt he did. Something like the girl cave or Bella's fucking pit of pleasure. I laughed, heading to my bedroom.
"Ouch!" My knee collided with the boxes by my desk. Two more weeks and I'd finally be able to unpack the stupid things in my new home.
My chest swelled as I slipped between the sheets. I stretched, happy in the knowledge that soon Edward would be lying next to me every night—bitching that my elbow was in his face.
I let my mind wander back to that magical day in the meadow. That damn romantic fool had thought of everything.
The happiness that swelled from that memory faded when I suddenly started picturing the blunder of a "date" that I tried to stage for us. How the hell Edward Cullen pulled off the date of century was beyond me. I just tried to have one simple cookout for the two of us. And it ended up being something out of the Twilight zone.
Edward told me one of his favorite nights was the night of my birthday when he gave me my necklace.
I thought it was the perfect plan.
I would barbecue hamburgers. Wear a baseball uniform. And have us end up in the tree house, where I would show him my tattoo and promise him that my body would forever be his temple.
It turned out to be a disaster.
Though the weather channel had assured me for that entire week it would be a rare sunny day in Forks, the thunder storm that quickly approached the second I lit the fire for the barbecue was the omen I should have paid attention to.
I somehow, in my infinite wisdom of grilling that I garnered from a ten minute lesson from my brother over the phone, managed to burn the exterior of the burgers while leaving the interior bloody rare. Mooing charcoal was not a preference of either of our pallets.
I called for pizza after Edward texted me to tell me his plane landed in Port Angeles. He'd be home in an hour. That gave the delivery guy enough time to swim through the torrential downpour and for me to change into my baseball uniform.
I think by that time I was just sticking to the plan out of self preservation. I hadn't wanted to do anything like this for anyone for a very long time. I wanted to show Edward how much I appreciated what he did. And I wanted to make a display for him to show him how much I cared.
The backyard was lit by lightening as I came downstairs, wearing the most worthless costume. No one played ball in a thunderstorm.
The next two hours would be filled with tears and curse words.
The power went out.
The pizza dude got stranded at the house and just sat in the kitchen solving a Sudoku problem while waiting for the rain to stop.
And Edward texted me to say he was pulling over at the lake to wait out the worst of the storm. It was too dangerous a drive on the winding mountain roads with all of the logging trucks anyway.
The storm passed after an hour and pizza guy headed home. I knew in my heart that it was out of my control, but I sat in the tree house, eating cold pizza alone, crying. A gentle rain was hitting the roof as an annoying reminder that I had failed.
I should have known better than to hope that my plans would come off without a hitch. It was just never in the cards for me to do anything right when it came to Edward.
I fell asleep eventually - cold, lonely and heartbroken.
I was woken up by Edward's lips hours later. The storm had passed and so had my perfect moment that I wished to capture.
I explained through girlie tears of frustration what I wanted to do. He was so damn sweet. Got that I'm-just-in-love-with-you-for-thinking-of-me look in his eyes.
It wasn't fair. Edward always bent over backwards to make the lives of the ones he loved be special. Just once I wanted him to feel that special.
"I'm sorry," I promised. "I'll try to do better next time."
He rolled his eyes as he leaned back against the pillows that I'd laid out for us yesterday."Bella, this was the sweetest thing anyone has ever…attempted to do for me. I don't want you to try again. This was perfect."
"Just knowing you think of me like that… it's fucking awesome."
I giggled. No matter how old and mature Edward got, he would always sound like that seventeen year old I fell in love with.
"I'm always thinking about you, Edward. You… it's cheesy to say," I blushed. "But you are my life… my world. I love you."
He reached his hand out for me to join him. "See. Perfect."
I froze just before reaching his hand. Well…I did have one more card up my sleeve.
"I…ah… well I do have one thing that might make this moment perfect."
He watched me curiously. I hadn't really taken my clothes off for Edward that much. Sure he'd seen me naked twice recently but we had never done the whole…let's just sit and stare at each other's body naked bit. I had a scar across my abdomen from the miscarriage.
He hadn't asked me about it before he knew about the baby. He had made a point to kiss my stomach several times since he knew. But I hadn't really spent any amount of time just letting him see it.
I turned around, still not fully ready for the scar and that damn night to be the focus of our time together. What I wanted to show him was on my back.
MJ had joked that it was a typical "tramp stamp" locale but I liked where it was. I used to lie with my back towards Edward when we were kids. I wanted, needed his arms around me in protection but denied myself his heart for fear that I would break it.
Since the night he found me in that hospital waiting room, my cheek had rested on his chest. And I put his mark on my back so I would be surrounded by him.
It was corny as shit but …that was why I did it.
I pulled my shirt off slowly. No explanation. Just nerves.
He didn't say anything in return…not with words. His fingers brushed over the tattoo softly. His index finger tracing the lines of his original design.
Next his lips followed.
I smiled as I closed my eyes to succumb to sleep and hoped to dream about that night.
The taste of his kiss. The scent of his skin.
The tear he thought I didn't see as we fell asleep in the early morning light.
I slept with my face snuggled in the crook of his neck that morning. Smiling.
We weren't perfect, but we were better.
And I would forever be in this man's arms. My head on his chest and my arms wrapped securely around him too.
-**-Bookends-**-
JPOV (one week later)
One more long damn week over with.
My brain was fried with the troubles ailing the good people of Seattle.
It was a pain in the ass to travel back and forth from the city to Forks, but Al didn't want to leave our family.
The drive didn't really bother me so much as being away from my wife all week. I set up the practice in Seattle out of necessity. I couldn't pay rent on an office in Port Angeles with the lack of patients the town had to offer. And though Forks was wall to wall filled with crazy people, none of them wanted help.
So Seattle it was.
I locked myself in my apartment during the week. Living on Hungry Man Meals and basic cable. Life was a miserable fucking existence alone. Everyday I would talk to Alice on the phone and ask her again to tell me why I did it.
"You help people, lover," she would remind me.
I sighed as I felt my body relax and sleep start to creep over my limps. I didn't sleep much during the week. I was just nervous energy without Alice to balance me.
I'm not sure how long I slept, if I slept at all, but I felt lips pressing against mine and smiled.
"Hey darlin'."
She giggled. "I'll never understand where you picked up that accent."
I wrapped my arms around my lady. "I'll keep it forever if you like it."
"Why thank you, kind sir," she drawled back.
"Missed you." I peeked my eyes open. I didn't have to see Al to know she was with me. I could feel her—the love she had for me radiated from her skin like a radio signal. And my antenna was tuned to her station perfectly.
"I know, Jazz. It's hell without you here, too."
She pouted and I didn't press the issue. Eventually we'd have to have the talk—the one where we agreed on something for our future. Either we both lived in Seattle or we both lived in P.A.
But Al wasn't ready for the decision just yet. I couldn't blame her. Family and home were two deeply rooted phobias in both of our minds. It wasn't as easy for either of us to just pick up and start our own life somewhere else.
What promise did we have that this world would still be here when we got back?
"I helped a kid find a home today," she announced proudly sitting up—her legs straddled around my hips.
I smiled, genuinely proud of the work my baby did. "That's great, baby."
"I was snooping in the adoption offices… hoping to see a request for a Swan family."
I frowned up at her. Alice meddled when she should just leave well alone.
"I still don't get why Rose and Em felt the need to fly all the way to Europe just to apply. There are so many kids here that would love to have them for parents."
"Rose told me it's what they agreed on. They discussed lots of places all over the world and Russia was the one that just …felt right." I shrugged. "Beats me why that is. It just is."
Alice quirked a delicate brow at me. "Is that what you tell your patients? It just is?"
I snorted. "Yeah, that and get the fuck over yourself already. Followed closely by next!"
We laughed. My body was waking up completely now—very much aware of my wife's body slung across it and her hands resting on my chest.
A week was too fucking long to be alone.
"Don't you at least want to eat first?" Alice questioned.
Other people who be caught off guard by her perceptiveness. I just knew that Alice knew me better than I knew myself. So I smiled.
"I'm fixing to eat something in a moment but it ain't food."
She swatted my chest and leaped off me before I could grab her.
"I need a shower, Mr. Cullen."
"Shower?" I looked at the clock. It was nearly six p.m. "Baby, I swear you smell great. You look perfect and…I'm only gonna be messing you up. You'll have to wash all over again." I flashed her that crooked smile that I knew would undermine her determination.
She huffed, turning on her heel and shouting back to me over her shoulder. "I haven't showered all day and I feel gross. You are more than welcome to join me if you would like."
"Okay."
I stripped while running behind her to the bedroom.
"My, you're an eager boy," she teased.
"Damn straight." I walked past her to the bathroom as she did her girlie thing and laid out her pajamas and undies for after the shower. I rolled my eyes at the thought that she believed I was going to let her put clothing back on tonight.
For all my wife knew about me, she still had some things to learn, I supposed.
"I talked to Bella the other day. She's excited but nervous about moving in with Edward next week. He hasn't mentioned marriage but I really do believe he'll be proposing to that girl by the end of the month."
I adjusted the water for the perfect temperature as she babbled on about my brother and his, no doubt, soon-to-be wife.
"Al," I said turning to her and meeting her eyes in the mirror. "I miss you. I need you. I … don't really give a fuck about anyone but you right now."
She blushed and nodded. "I miss you too, Jazz. It's not any…easier for me."
I didn't want to have that talk right now. I just wanted to wrap my wife around me and finally come home.
I drew her in to my arms.
"I don't want to have kids," she offered non sequitur.
Okay, so we were having this conversation now.
"I don't want to have kids, either. I don't have to have a practice. There are plenty of things I can do here for a living."
"But what I do I can do in Seattle, too. Probably help even more people in a big city."
"Well, let's move back to New York then. Might as well just start completely fresh."
"Dad would love the excuse to fly out to see us all the time."
I nodded. "Too true, he would."
Al's eyes grew apprehensive. She hadn't had time to prepare herself for this talk. The reality of us moving that far away scared the shit out of her.
"We lived there before, Al."
"For what we knew would be a temporary time period."
There was no room for bullshit when it came to Alice and me. We just spoke our minds. Understood each other. She wasn't worried that I really wanted to move there. She knew that if what she wanted…what she needed was for us to keep this current living and working arrangement forever…well, I'd do it.
I couldn't be happy if I felt distress from her.
I ran my hands up and down her arms. Silently promising her there were no expectations tonight of her making some grand decision.
"Let's take that shower, baby."
Sometimes it really blew being the sensitive guy. Edward would have taken Bella to the bedroom…and maybe not fucked her worries away but he would have made love to her in some way and helped distract her. Carlisle would have fucked Esme's trepidation into submission in a heartbeat. Shit, even Emmett would have told Rose dirty jokes all night and kept her mind off of whatever was troubling her.
But I was the sensitive idiot.
The abstinent, caring dolt who was going to die of blue balls one of these days.
The one that just couldn't feel right if she didn't feel right. If Al was off, I was off. That did things to a man's confidence. I would feel like I was forcing her to do it.
We showered in silence—taking turns washing each other and finding quiet moments to exchange smiles and gentle caresses—reminders that we were here for each other.
I watched her put on her pajamas, the weird ones with the monkeys all over them, and I pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants.
I was officially naming this weekend shitty.
I tried to repeat the words I had said to so many couples in the months since I became a therapist. Sex is not the only way to show love and affection. Sex is not the answer to every problem. A person can survive without having sex every night of their life.
I scowled, opening the fridge. What a fucking load of bull.
"What are you in the mood for?" I asked, sensing her walking up behind me.
"Um, there's some leftover Chinese food. It should still be good."
I pulled out the take out containers and found us a couple of forks.
"Cold?" I asked, turning to her in the dark kitchen.
"Yeah, it's always better cold."
I followed her to the couch, and we found an interesting documentary about the Civil War on the History channel.
"I think you'd look good on a horse," she offered after we agreed that dude in the old photograph looked like me.
"I don't think my ass was made for horses, babe."
She giggled and I lamented at the fact that I had hoped to be having some riding happening tonight. Preferably her. On me. Like right the fuck now.
Great, now I'm picturing her riding me with a cowboy hat on.
I rolled my eyes and berated my cock silently—clearly I was thinking with it and not with my brain.
"Jazz?" Alice drew my attention as I stood to return the empty containers to the kitchen.
"Yeah?"
"Ah…I'm gonna head to bed."
I nodded. "I'll follow you, be there in a minute sweetheart."
I stretched on my way into our bedroom. I was beat. It was probably best that we didn't wear ourselves out just for the sake of having sex.
Mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex that would relieve the tension and help both of us just relax for a bit.
I climbed into bed, trying to stay positive and not pout. If I was that hard up, I could always just take another shower and do the job myself.
"Night, baby," I said rolling over to draw her into my arms and kiss her goodnight.
"Oh, it's gonna be," she said. The sheets were off me in two seconds, and I could feel her tugging my pants down before I could ask what was going on.
Suddenly the room was lit by the bedside lamp—my wife sitting naked across my lap once more.
"What the…"
"Jazz…I love you. I miss you. And I need you right now."
With that I gave up on being the sensitive, horny moron—grabbing her breasts and looking around.
"Do we own a cowboy hat?"
She shook her head with a giggle. "No."
"Damn." My face fell slightly—my hands never stopping kneading her breasts.
"I need to apologize," Alice said, drawing my attention back to her.
"For wha…"
She stopped me from finishing with a finger to my lips. "For bringing up that dumb crap in the bathroom. For being too chicken to move to Seattle. For finally throwing away that ugly jacket while you were gone this week."
I shot a glance to the closet. "Which jacket is the ugly one?"
"The one I tell you looks ugly every time you wear it."
"Not the plaid one with the silver buttons?"
"Jazz, that description alone proves that it's the ugly one," she huffed.
I pouted. Was this kick-Jazz-in-the-balls weekend?
"I'll buy a cowboy hat to make up for it," she offered.
I couldn't really argue with that. The image of my wife riding me, wearing a cowboy hat, her breasts bouncing and her screaming "Yeehaw!" was much more desirable than me in that ugly jacket.
Yeah, it was ugly.
"Deal."
She smiled in relief. "But really, I'm sorry about… having to work this crap out."
I ran my hands to her shoulders, loving the softness of her skin. "Alice, it's my job to help people work through stuff like this. I know that no one is perfect. We'll work it out."
"I just can't see it," she sighed, bringing her hands to my chest and running her fingers through my chest hair.
"See what, sweetheart?"
"The future… our future. I can see everyone else's. Bella and Edward are going to get married. Em and Rose will adopt a house full of kids. Esme and Dad are going to travel the world and have lots of kinky sex."
I laughed.
"But you and me… it's blank." Her eyes were filled with worry as she gazed down at me.
"Those aren't visions you're having, baby, those are hopes. You hope those things will happen for the ones we love because that's what they deserve. We're just a mystery." I shrugged.
"I don't know, Jazz…. I just keep getting this feeling…"
I put a finger to her lips and went back to caressing her chest. "We're gonna be fine, Al. And I'm calling the office tomorrow to tell them to cancel my appointments for the week. We've had a lot of stress on us, being apart. I need to remind you, we are a team."
She moaned as one of my hands moved down her body and teased her.
Shit, I missed that. She was always so wet and ready for me.
"There's nothing but happy days in our future, baby. I promise."
We didn't talk much after that.
It was a night of gentle exchanges. Almost like a trust building exercise. I could feel her relax—which in turn eased my fears.
Later, once she was passed out in my arms and mumbling in her sleep about needing to buy that hat and maybe some ass-less chaps, I revisited her words.
It's blank.
Alice wasn't gifted with premonitions. Hell, there were lots of times she missed what was right in front of her face, but her words stuck with me.
Things had felt a bit off lately. I knew it was just the distance between us, the fact that we were apart so much now. I didn't worry that our relationship was in jeopardy over it.
But something did feel… like there was something coming. Something we weren't prepared for.
I held my wife tightly in my arms and hoped, considering all the pain and shit that this family had suffered through, that what Alice and I were feeling was wrong.
-**-Bookends-**-
EmPOV (the same night)
I followed my wife back to our hotel room, each step another reminder of our lack of talking.
I hated it. Hated any type of silence between the two of us. From the day Jacob Cullen pressed his lips to mine as I leaned against his kitchen counter I'd felt like I belonged outside of my body. I could never explain it. It was like I lived in Emmett but I just had to be whatever Jake needed me to be.
"Rose, talk to me baby."
She sat on the edge of the bed with her shoulders slumped over in defeat.
"He's right," she whispered.
That was it. I snapped. No one fucking told my wife how to be.
"Don't fucking listen to that guy!" I shouted. I didn't mean to yell at her. I wasn't angry at her. I was pissed at the situation and at the asshole that was making her feel like this.
"He has a point, Em." She shrugged her shoulders and started taking off her shoes.
I shook my head and balled my fists. I needed to punch something. I had felt the fight brewing in me from the second we left that asshole's office. She shouldn't be agreeing with him.
"Like hell!" I kicked the dresser, sending her girlie accessories shaking and falling all over.
Rose sighed, but didn't react to my anger. "Emmett, he has a point. What… If we… how would we ever explain me to our kids?"
My blood boiled. "We can't possibly be having this talk again. We don't have to defend ourselves to anyone, baby. You know that. You taught me that. Our kids will be loved. They will love us. Who the fuck cares?"
Rose stood and held up her hands to calm me down. She put her hands on my biceps and reminded me to breathe.
"But still, Em, how do we explain me? I've never…thought of that."
Her eyes were clouded with confusion. I glared, still pissed at the very idea that these fictional kids of ours would need to give us the third degree.
"What? You mean…like explaining your parents had a pot addiction in high school or something?"
She rolled her eyes. "No…though we did and you'll have to find sort of way to explain that to our kids, too. I don't want to be a hard-ass but…fuck, my brother made some fucked up decisions under the influence…"
"Rose."
"Right," she said, shaking her head and suddenly looking exhausted. "It's just… I…I never thought about it."
I watched her for a minute. Saw the emotions rolling over her features.
"Rosalie… do you want to have kids with me?"
Her eyes shot down to her hands as they slipped off my arms that were crossed over my chest.
What the fuck was going on?
"Yes," she admittedly quietly.
I took a deep breath. "So what the fuck?"
She shrugged, glaring up at me. "I don't know. There's no magic wand we can wave here, Emmett. I can't just say oh the fuck well and move on. How? How do we tell our kids that their mother was a boy? How the hell do we not fuck a kid up with that?"
She ranted and paced. She ended back up at the bed and sat down again. I stood frozen. I couldn't make sense of what was bothering her.
"Rose…"
"Jake."
I stopped, staring at her like she had just slapped me.
Her eyes were finally clear. She was scaring the shit out of me.
"I'm Jake. Jacob… I was… I am… I'm not ashamed of it. I…want to be a mother, have kids with you but… I can't… I won't hide Jake from our kids."
"No one ever said you had to."
I took slow steps to the bed. Sitting down beside her, I tried to wrap my head around what was killing her.
"We've always known this wasn't going to be an easy life, babe."
"Why couldn't my body be right from the start?"
I noticed a tear slip down her cheek. Like a deer knows to stay out of the woods when the mountain lion is on the hunt, I just knew now was the time to let her cry.
"It's not fair. It's just…not right."
Right. Wrong. Fucking crackpot ideals.
It was wrong that life was such a bitch. It was right that I'd be sitting in this room with the love of my life. Regardless of how she looked on the outside.
We were right.
We fit just right.
"I'm gonna take a shower." She kissed my cheek as she moved to the bathroom.
I was sitting in a hotel in a foreign country because this was our only hope for having a kid. Sure, we could pay for a surrogate. We even talked about doing that in the beginning.
It just felt weird to know that I would share DNA with the kid when Rose never could. Weirder to think that some total stranger would give birth to the kid and then never have anything to do with it.
Rose wanted to adopt. She made valid points about the people in our lives that ended up in foster care or orphanages.
We never anticipated the Spanish inquisition that would follow. We went through meeting after meeting to jump through their hoops. It was like her operation all over again.
People sitting in a room, staring us down until we felt uncomfortable in our own skins.
Judgment.
What did it fucking matter? We loved each other. We were good people. We paid our taxes and held down stable jobs. We would love any child we welcomed into our home.
A home. Not some… brothel of debauchery and filth.
Why did people always think saying you were gay automatically meant you thought about nothing but sex? I just knew who I wanted to have sex with. So did Dr. Cullen. No one questioned him endlessly to adopt Jazz and Edward because he was having sex did they?
Rose had a point. It was crazy. By textbook definition it was insane for her to change her biology just because her brain didn't want to be a man. It wasn't wrong. But it… wasn't natural.
I hadn't thought about what I would tell our kid either. Rose was Rose. She was the other half of my soul. I didn't care what she looked like on the outside. She beautiful no matter what.
I loved her.
She'd love any kid in our home.
And any kid would love to have her for a mom.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. It was like living with my head being beaten against the wall nonstop.
"Don't hurt yourself, big guy."
I smiled in spite of myself. She kissed the top of my head. I could feel the steam from her shower still rolling off of her skin.
Hmm moist Rose, my favorite.
I reached up to undo the belt on her robe. Her flat stomach met my eyes.
"I remember the first time I saw you naked." My fingers tickled her tummy. "You remember that first time?"
Rose rolled her eyes. "I remember blowing all over you before we had a chance to do anything."
I smiled up at her, loving the memory of Jacob Cullen being so undone just by lying naked with me that he shot off early.
I grabbed her by the hips and tossed her under me on the mattress.
"You brute!" she squealed.
I grunted like a caveman and opened the wrapping of her robe to fully expose her body to me.
"I remember," I whispered huskily. "That these," I brought my hands up to cup her breasts, "Were not this perky."
I flicked my thumbs over her swollen nipples, eliciting a moan from her that was very unladylike.
"Hmm," I hummed bringing my lips down to the skin between her breasts. I continued to tease them with my hands as my lips and teeth made a path down along her abdomen to her stomach.
"You had the best damn abs, babe. I wanted to lick every line of your stomach." I ran my tongue in slow circles around her navel.
She moaned again, thrusting her hips up in need.
I chuckled against her pelvic bone. "Always in such a damn hurry."
She groaned. "Can't help it, you do it to me, Emmett Swan."
I placed a kiss at the spot where I first claimed Jacob Cullen. "You never have to worry about hiding Jacob, sweetheart."
I shot her a glance only to find her eyes locked with mine.
"I love him, too."
She smiled and spread her legs for me with an impish turn of her lips. "Just fucking blow me already."
Laughing, I lowered my head to the promised land. "Ah yes, I remember this area the most. A lot has changed since then."
She quirked any eyebrow at my words. "You use the word manscape and I'll make you sleep in the tub tonight."
I quirked a brow back at her. "Oh baby…that sounded like a challenge."
It was time to remind my wife just exactly what it felt like to be Jacob Cullen.
I gripped her hips and turned her over, grabbing a handful of that sweet ass that hadn't changed that much since before her operation. I continued to massage her butt with one hand while reaching into the side table drawer for the tube of lube that I never left home without—making my fingers slick for the teasing, I turned my full attention back to my wife.
"I remember," I growled. "That Jake liked it… right," I slipped a slick finger between her cheeks, "here."
She moaned, looking fucking perfect and damn edible on all fours in front of me.
I'm not gonna lie, when she first started throwing around terms like vaginoplasty and describing just exactly what her pussy would be made of, I kept thinking to myself that butt sex would be fine by me forever. But Rose felt trapped inside Jake. Not changing meant hiding who she really was. I just could never understand how it was going to be the same. I mean she promised, and I have found from experience the last couple of years, that all the junk works. I never heard any complaining from her anyway. In fact, we'd broken in the new system with enthusiasm.
But I'd be damned if we were giving up fucking in the rear every now and then too.
Her breath was already shallow, her butt thrusting back instinctively. I was never gonna be able to teach my girl patience.
Oh well… I'm not big on waiting either.
I worked my finger in and out of her for a minute, running my lips and tongue down her back. Jake used to like that too.
"Now…what was it Jake used to say…"
"Emmett," she half moaned, half threatened.
I chuckled. "No…that's not it. Hm, he used to..." She squeaked when I bit her ass cheek as I unzipped my pants and pulled out my cock. "Beg for something."
She snarled and I prepped myself with the lube.
"I'm not Jake. I'm Rose. And Rose begs for no man."
My smile widened. Challenge me all you want, sweetheart. I know how to make you scream.
"Oh," I said in mock hurt. "I guess this slick dick is for someone else then."
I teased her with my tip for a second—smirking at the groan she released when I moved away.
"No oral for a month," she threatened.
Hey now! My dick warned. Don't piss her off!
"Aw, come on, baby," I whispered, lining myself up to her and reaching around to fondle her right breast.
"No need to get nasty."
She turned her head to shout at me just as I thrust hard into her. Her anger mixed with a groan of pleasure and pulled her back against me. Her head leaned back against my shoulder—her body straddled over me like an inverted pretzel.
I felt her forehead press against my throat as I started a slow rhythm.
"Best damn part of being Jacob Cullen," she rasped.
"What's that, baby?" I grunted, loving the way she clenched around me with each thrust.
"Getting to keep you," she whispered.
I gave up on thinking after that. We weren't Rose and Em or even Jacob and Emmett. We were two bodies coming together as one. Passion took over and I marveled at the chance to tease Rose from the front and pound the fuck out of Jake from behind.
Fuck no, we'd never hide who my wife was from our kids. She was amazing. Unbelievable.
And all mine.