Outtake 2

AN: This was supposed to just be a one shot about the first time Jake and Em had sex. It turned into a discussion about Jake and Em owning who they are. Enjoy. On that note, one of the key subjects of Bookends is the discussion of what happens to a person when they have to grow up too soon in their life. The kids in Bookends are not kids. They are young bodies with adult minds. This combination is not good with emotional immaturity. Jacob is the only character in this story who truly knows himself. He's known who he is from a very early age. I know it seems like he is too young to even begin thinking about himself in this way, but for Jacob his gender has less to do with having sex and more to do with being born the right sex to begin with. He asserts who he is by way of his bond and connection to Emmett. Em is the other half of Jacob's soul, and he can not exist as anything but Jake's completion. So, even Emmett would know who he was more in some ways at this early age. Don't forget the journey that these characters go through later. Emmett still has a long way to go with letting his outer shell drop for society. Jake will still have questions about his decisions well in to his life as Rose.

This is just the moment they realized their fate.

-**-Bookends-**-

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be."

William Shakespeare

-**-Bookends-**-

JacobPOV (Forks Jr. High)

Twenty two hundred seventy four.

That's how many times and ways I had thought about confessing my crush to him.

Emmett Swan was in the midst of push up number fifty five when he glanced up and smirked at me.

Why the hell did he do that? How the hell did I ever survive him doing that before?

I tapped my foot on the ratty mat and tried to not look at him. It was hard.

Em liked to grunt as he worked out. The intensity of his focus was causing all of his muscles to strain and flex. And he was covered in sweat.

He moaned as the count started reaching a more challenging number.

I really liked to hear him do that.

It was all so fucking confusing. Times like these… I really wished I had a mother to talk to. Dad was great and understanding and all. I was just unsure about how he would take what I was thinking. What I was feeling.

I thought about telling him almost as many times as I had considered talking to Em. But they lived in a guy's world. I needed a female to confide in. A mom.

Like Em's mom, Mrs. Swan. Esme, as she insisted that I call her. The night I lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling and finally realizing why I felt so off in my own skin, I fought against a tidal wave of fear to just run over to the Swan house and beg for Esme's words of support.

I wasn't confused about who I was anymore. Just confused with what that meant to the world around me. Unsure about how to be me and not offend everyone who lived here.

To be me and not push the people I loved away with their own insecurities, for that matter. Like my dad. I didn't want who I was to disrupt his life. Or anyone's.

I wanted to protect the people I loved from the uncertain path of my future.

Like Em. Just because I loved him, didn't mean he was obligated to love me back.

I swallowed, hard.

Love?

"Okay," he said leaping to his feet like the push ups had been nothing. He was panting and sweaty and… suddenly I realized there was no fucking way I was standing up anytime soon.

I gulped more air into my lungs, my mouth dry as bone.

I shifted to hide my boner. Fuck me. His smile always did it.

Always.

My first wet dream had been about Em. Us wrestling around the backyard and him grunting…

He smiled wider, like he knew what the fuck I was thinking. My brain melted to mush and I nearly groaned out loud.

"Love" might still be a question, but lusted after, that was a definite.

"You comin' to the showers?"

He had me at coming… and I knew if I followed him to the showers I certainly would be.

I shook my head, biting my lip and balling my hands into fists. He shrugged and grinned like the carefree idiot that he was. I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to watch him walk away. We were at wrestling practice for Christ's sake.

The other guys would notice my ogling of Em eventually, wouldn't they?

It was bad enough that I dressed better than any guy in Forks—with the exception of Emmett, of course. That boy knew how to dress that body of his.

Emmett's body. I hummed and closed my eyes. Let the fantasy linger for a just a few seconds more.

He'd be stepping under the spray from the shower right about now. Totally unconcerned about modesty over his naked physique. Em was proud of his body.

Em had every right to be proud of his body.

He worked damn hard at keeping himself in shape. Most people didn't believe he was only twelve. They thought he was at least fifteen or sixteen. He was taller than any teacher we had here. His shoulders were broad with toned arms and his chest….

"Cullen!" Coach Clapp barked, pulling me from my mental movie.

I jumped to my feet. The gym was cleared.

Dammit. Way to look obvious, dumbass.

My thoughts chastised my actions and I tried to just get to the locker room without drawing more attention to myself.

"Jacob?" Coach called again, motioning me over to speak to him. He was watching me with an almost sneer on his face.

I started to panic.

He knew.

I spent every minute of my life in the one stop light town of Forks to hide who I was. It was a delicate dance. One I never really even gave up completely when alone. This town wasn't big enough for any type of oddity. Mrs. Cope painted her house a nice shade of sky blue a few years back. They all but had a town meeting on whether it was too "out there" for her to keep.

She repainted it the standard off-white run of the mill cream color, less than four months later.

I kept a tight lid on inner Jacob. Because once he was out…

Well, I would never be like Mrs. Cope. I wouldn't let anyone dictate to me who I had to be and how I had to live. Once I was out, I would be out for good. And open to those same judging eyes sizing me up.

I wasn't strong enough to fight that battle just yet.

I knew I would one day be, but right now I was just some confused twelve year old boy who knew he was meant to be born a girl.

And both the inner and outer me were shitting themselves walking over to my P.E. coach. If he found inner me and exposed her before I was ready… I might not have a choice to fight.

I was sweating and breathless from fear as I stood before Coach Clapp.

Awaiting the judgment.

"What's going on with you, son?" he folded his arms around each other over his chest and peered down at me with the tip of his hat pointing at me like some arrow on a gaydar.

"Umm…" I tried to play dumb and just shook my head and shrugged. Really, it was no act. My mind was on damage control, DefCon one. All I could see was my dad's face when he confronted me at home later tonight. I really hoped he would be more understanding than the glaring version of him in my head now.

"Look," Coach put a hand on my shoulder and I went from panicked to freaked.

What the hell?

"I remember what was like to be your age kid. It's not easy to make sense of everything … ya know…going on." My eyebrows touched at the center of my forehead.

Everything going on? My age? Memories lined up in my head and I was suddenly back in science class two months ago with this very man was trying to awkwardly work through a sex ed lesson with all the seventh grade boys.

Was Coach actually going to give me a sex talk? Probably.

Did coach know anything about homosexuality? Highly doubtful.

"Coach," I broke in, irony dripping in my voice. "What's up?"

He cleared his throat and drew his arm back. "You seem to be off your game lately, Jake. I just…" he shrugged, "figure it's for the obvious reason."

My heart started pounding so hard in my chest that I nearly dropped to the ground in arrest.

Obvious?

It was obvious?

I made a point to become Meryl fucking Streep with my outer Jacob routine and he's shrugging it off as obvious?

Him? Coach Clapp who didn't realize that his wife had been cheating on him with his brother for the last five years—he found my secret to be obvious?

"Oh," I squeaked. "Well…I guess it is." I was terrified. But mostly I was… nursing a wounded ego that my act had been for nothing these past two years.

"It's okay, kid. It happens to everybody."

What the hell did he just say?

"So, what's her name?"

For one shockingly empowering moment I considered a remote possibility that he was asking what I wanted to change my name to when I physically made the change to becoming female.

My dread melted to giddiness as I realized this simple, stupid man was under the delusion that I was hung up on a girl.

Quite the opposite, idiot. I am the girl. And I'm all a-twitter over my man.

"Uhh… Em…Emily," I lied. There were no Emilys in Forks. Of this I was certain because I had memorized all the female names in the town. Inner Jake had to be an original. So I had to know all the names I was up against.

"Hmm.. Well, try to keep your Em out of the gym and keep your head in practice, okay?"

He lost me at 'my Em'. Something inside of me jumped to life at the very mention of that dream. And from the clueless lips of my physical education leader it was down right shameful to hope that one day my Em and I would be just as accepted in this town together as me and some fictional girl were.

"Now," Coach slapped my ass in that way that guys did that said 'you're a buddy but I want to make this awkward and touch your ass'. I never understood why men felt the need to smack each other's asses if it wasn't for the same reason that girls liked to have their asses smacked by guys. "Hit the showers," he barked and headed up to his office.

I rolled my eyes, knowing damn well the showers were still out of the question and headed to change back into my clothes. Em was half-way dressed when I got to my locker.

Right across from his.

He had his pants on and was sliding his sneakers on as I approached. His towel hung around his neck and his back muscles rippled as he sat bent over.

I whimpered internally. It was not fair.

Not fair that that man existed. And that I was a guy.

If I was a girl… A real girl with real girlie parts… I would march up to him right now and plant a kiss on those plump, luscious lips of his. I would not hide a single glance of want that I could throw at him. And I would be his girlfriend.

But I wasn't a real girl. I was Jacob.

Jacob was just Em's best friend.

No kisses for Jacob.

"He, dude, where've you been?" He ran the towel over his dark, curly locks once more and tossed it to the pile at the end of the lockers. He stood and I turned to start changing before I saw his stomach. Em had the kind of stomach that made a girl want to drop to her knees in front of him and bite it.

I groaned, pulling off my sweats and quickly pulling on my jeans. I didn't need him to see me half stiff for him.

"Coach wanted to talk to me," I mumbled.

"Bout what?" he pressed. Damn Emmett Swan and his need to know everything.

"Guy stuff," I grumbled.

Suddenly Em was resting against my locker and looking down at me.

We were close enough that I could feel his breath hitting my cheek. I wanted to lean into him to get my shirt. Just have my naked chest brush against that deliciously toned forearm crossed over his immaculate chest.

But I stood still and cast my eyes in the other direction.

Keep it locked up, Jake. Don't make it weird on him. Em deserves to make his own decisions for his life.

"Do I need to kick his ass?" he whispered with lethal promise.

I snorted. Em was always ready to defend me. Even though he knew damn well I could hold my own in a fight.

"No… he just… he thinks I have a crush on a girl." I peeked up at Em with guarded eyes. Would he even react to this news? Probably, he was my buddy. We told each other everything. Em would probably be pissed that I had a crush and never told him.

Secretly I hoped he'd be jealous. But that was just some dumb girlie dream of mine.

"Do you?" his face was passive, and his eyes…almost worried. That reaction was far from text book Emmett.

"No," I retorted defensively. He pulled back like I had just taken a swing at him with my fist. I guess in one way I had. I was defending inner me's honor. But he didn't know that he had offended her.

"Sorry, man, just… dumb, you know?" I shrugged. I shoved him out of the way with my shoulder and finished dressing. Followed him from the locker room in silence.

We walked home in relative silence too. I don't know what was going on inside his head. I always loved to figure out what Em was thinking, but today I was just trapped inside my mind.

The near outing in the gym gave me a reality check. I couldn't keep my true identity a secret forever. I didn't have to put on some rainbow shirt and start rallies in the streets for equality tomorrow, but I had to be me.

Even when I thought Coach knew who I was, I never once considered not being me. I wasn't going to be Mrs. Cope. Inner me would shine like a bright orange sign forever, no matter whose eyes were offended by the color.

We ended up at the tree that stood between our two houses. My dad had built a small house at the top of it for my mom. I went up there to think sometimes.

Alone.

I had never taken Em up there.

"Where to, dude?"

I smiled. Coach Clapp was a simple man with simple eyes that saw the world on only one level. Em was just a quiet guy. He saw the world on many levels but he didn't clutter up his mind with all the facts.

We were just friends hanging out. There were no questions about girlfriends or what was keeping me silent at the moment. Just a simple- where are we going?

I loved that about him.

I considered for a second taking him up to the tree house. But for what? Em would be bored in three minutes up there. It's not like I was going to confess my feelings for him anyway.

Feelings, so now we're admitting we have feelings for him?

I shrugged and pointed toward his house. We ended up in his kitchen. A couple of Gatorades in hand and Em launched into a discussion about football camp. I laughed when he started retelling the story about us teaming up against those pricks from Push.

That kid Paul had a mouth on him.

But Em and me put him in his place. We made a damn good team.

"So… your dad is traveling again this weekend?" I nodded. Dad visited his friend in Italy, Erebos…Uncle Erebos, a lot less these days. Seemed like for a bit when I was a kid he was never here on weekends. I couldn't blame him, that house was hell when she lived there. And then it was just cold after she ran away.

It wasn't until he adopted my baby sister, Alice, that he started… living again. Until he decided to bring her home, it was just an empty house that we both wanted to escape as much as possible.

I didn't mind him being gone. It gave me an excuse to stay over at the Swan house. They were no less broken than my family, but they were a team. It was just… nice to be in a house where people lived together. Fought. Cried. Loved, all as one.

Dad and I were just partners, but exclusive in our lives to even each other.

Esme was a caregiver who made every room she stood in feel warmer from her presence. And her kids were the same way. No matter how you felt about the Swan kids, you couldn't help but notice them when they were in a room.

I came over to this house when I felt I needed to belong to something bigger than me. And I was thankful for the times that Dad just left me alone, too. I knew, just like he did when he was my age, I couldn't rely on anyone but me. I learned to be my own person.

And I knew exactly who that person needed to be.

I fiddled with the rim of my bottle. Fighting back a fresh wave of guilt over not being able to just be me.

I even felt guilty to Em. I shared almost every minute of my life since birth with the guy. And here I was, lying to him.

Not lying… just not showing him the whole truth.

Protecting him, like he always tried to do for me.

"You okay, Jake?" His voice was filled with worry. I looked up at him with my own sense of unease.

"Uhh…" I looked him straight in the eyes, eyes that were watching me with so much concern that I just wanted to have his arms wrapped around me in reassurance. I swallowed. Before I could think about it, my brain vomited out of my mouth. "I really need to talk to you."

He blinked. I nearly had a heart attack and everything was disrupted by Bella coming through the back door.

"School sucks. I don't want to go back there anymore. I will be in my room, planning out my emancipation from childhood case that I will be presenting to mom later tonight. If you have any thoughts on the subject, do share."

"Hi to you too, Bells," Em laughed.

"Hello, Jacob," she said with a warm smile. I smiled in return and nodded to her. She rolled her eyes as her brother kept laughing. "Laugh now, idiot, but when I no longer have to go to school and you are slaving away, I will be the one yucking it up."

"What is your main case, lil sis? It sucks?" He snorted.

Bella shrugged and headed up the stairs. I remembered what Alice had told me about this morning.

"Bella," I shouted over my shoulder. "Alice said the boys are going to be visiting for a week soon. She said to warn you. You know…since Edward's a little shit."

Em chuckled and the indignant foot stomping back down the stairs to the kitchen was no surprise.

"I'll punch your fucking lights out if you ever call him that again, Jacob Cullen," she threatened.

Bella was three years younger than me. She stood a good ten inches shorter than me. And I knew without a question of a doubt, she really would knock me on my ass if I crossed her.

"He's mean to you, Bells," Em argued. "Shit, he's mean to everyone. Remember last year when he set that place on fire in PA?"

"No, Emmett, I don't," she said through pursed lips. "I remember when you two idiots took Jake's little cousins to an abandoned warehouse for fun."

"Hey," I objected, "I had no idea Edward smokes. Come on Bella, an eleven year old that smokes? You don't find that to be a tad… deviant?"

"No. I find the shit big brother here buys in Push to be far worse than Edward bumming some smokes from Tanya's stash."

Em snarled. "How the fuck do you know what I do and don't buy?"

"Emmett, I'm nine, not stupid."

I laughed. "I told you not to smoke that shit right before coming home."

"Shut up, Jake," he hissed. "And none of that makes a diff when you really look at that jerk. He's still mean to you, Bella. He calls you names. Told me to keep my bitch of a sister off his back. That's someone you want to defend?"

Bella's lip trembled a little. And in that moment, I bonded with Em's little sister in a way I didn't fully understand. She was standing here, sticking up for someone who probably hated her guts. Putting herself through the misery of our ridicule and questions, just to protect Edward.

There was a lot I could learn from Isabella Swan. God help me if Em ever turned his judgment on me like he did with my cousin.

"I don't give a crap if Edward never talks to me nicely, Emmett. He's a human being. Treat him with that respect. He's done nothing but call me names." She shrugged. "Big deal. You have no right to call him names, either."

And with that she turned and stomped back up stairs.

I sat, stunned.

That little nine year old just served us both.

"So what did you want to talk about, man?" New subject. That was Emmett. Bella was gone and the drama that was their conversation left with her.

I took a deep breath.

I was going to do it.

I was worried I would feel like I did earlier today in the gym. I was still nervous. Still petrified. But my body wasn't acting like a grizzly bear was about to attack us.

In lots of ways, I was just…

Calm.

Em got up to toss his bottle in the trash, washing his hands at the sink.

I didn't think about it. I just…acted on instinct.

It was probably the dumbest way to go about it. But I knew if I didn't just do it, I would talk myself out of ever doing anything.

I pushed up from the table. Took the three strides to the sink. Turned Em around with my hands and planted a hard, obvious kiss on his lips.

Time stopped.

I purposely stopped breathing.

No sound was made.

Neither of us moved.

I don't know how long I stood there with my lips pressed against his. My eyes were screwed shut and I had no concept of how to go about doing anything more than just resting my skin against his.

After what felt like forever, we both eased back.

My eyes bugged with the realization that I had just done it… stepped out of the shadows. Now my heart decided to join the rest of my body and galloped in my throat. I took a deep breath but found my lungs unable to really hold enough oxygen to keep up with my rapidly speeding pulse.

"What the…" Em whispered.

I snapped my mouth shut. My eyes were welling up with emotions.

I nodded quickly and just said fuck it. "I've come to the conclusion that… I'm … I…want to be a girl."

Wow, that was easier than I ever thought it would be.

Em laughed… looking for all the world like he was in shock.

"This isn't a joke, Emmett." My face was somber and I tried to plead for his… acceptance as I finished. "I was meant to be a girl."

His face fell in lines of confusion. His arms crossing over his chest in an obvious display of putting space between us.

That hurt.

To know that there was something in Emmett that was… afraid of me just being me.

I bit down on that revelation.

"And I'm tired of hiding."

-**-Bookends-**-

EmPOV (two years later)

I stood next to Jake as he pulled out the bottle of lotion from his locker. He dabbed the customary two dollops of the stuff on the palm of his right hand and set the bottle back down.

He had nice hands.

Don't ask me when I started noticing shit like that.

And more and more lately I realized that I only noticed that kind of stuff with Jake.

I never used to care about stuff like that. How well a defensive lineman was charging my ass before a throw, sure, but never how nice someone's hands were. Somehow, it was vital and important information to me now.

I saw all the tiny aspects of my best friend in magnified detail. Like his jet black, silky smooth hair.

He wore it slightly longer now than he had last year. It curled a little around his ears. And it looked soft.

I grabbed the bottle of lotion while he worked what was on his perfect hands into the cuticles of his left nails.

He glanced up at me unaffected. There was an almost twinkle in his eyes as he turned them back to his hands without speaking to me.

I squirted some lotion on my hands to keep them busy. They ached all of the sudden to run through Jake's hair.

Shit.

I had come to a lot of moments in my life when I just figured shit out about myself and moved on.

Like the day we moved back to Forks.

I was a kid.

Damn, I was probably only two or three. But I didn't let it faze me. So what. We weren't living in that hell hole anymore. That bastard wasn't making my mom cry every night anymore.

That was a plus in my book.

Then there was the day Bella started school. She was terrified of all the other kids. She was shy and just wanted to go home. I walked her to class every morning and made sure I was at the door to pick her up after class every afternoon.

Eventually she made friends and it didn't bug me at all when she told me she didn't need me to wait for her after school.

I was happy for her finally making friends. Even if it was that damn annoying jerk Mike Newton.

The only thing in my entire life that I ever had a tough time dealing with was the minute Jacob Cullen kissed me.

I huffed and slammed the bottle of orange scented lotion back in the locker.

"You okay, man?" Jake asked sincerely picking up his backpack and turning to walk home with me.

Neither of us drove to school. Sure we both owned cars and loved to drive. But we also loved to work out. We just jogged to school together every morning. And walked home together every afternoon.

My day never felt right unless it began and ended with Jacob beside me.

I shoved my hands in my pockets as another wave of uncertainty crashed over me.

"Yah, dude, no worries."

"O…kay," he mumbled.

Jake handled it better than I did. The whole… Emmett Swan meltdown and brain malfunction. I could tell that he was hurt by my…lack of response, but he never let it come between us.

Jake was my best friend, then and now.

"Hey, Ally got that new video game when she went to Seattle for her showing last weekend. It was my payment for acting as her test model for the evening gowns." He snorted at the thought.

"Wonder why she never realizes it," he whispered.

There were times with Jacob that I just wanted to tell him to shut up. Like when he said that. Or when he stood looking in the window of a dress shop checking out the new line of clothing.

He was my truest buddy, but fuck me if I didn't need to be reminded every five seconds that he really would rather be my best girlfriend.

My stomach knotted up.

I used to get by with just thinking that that's why I never said anything. That the fact that Jake wanted to radically change his body was what stopped me from processing that moment two years ago.

I didn't think that excuse worked anymore.

We got to the Cullen house and walked through the back down just as Alice was heading into the kitchen.

"Hey boys," she smiled and waved.

Alice was a cute little thing. Not even as big around as my thigh or as tall as one of my arms but she was the sweetest gal I knew.

"It took all of two seconds to convince Brutus here to come over after I told him I have Death to Zombies part II in my possession," Jake informed her.

Alice laughed—a damn girlie giggle high pitched sound.

"Well just remember I only got you that thing so I could kick your ass at it," she teased.

Jake rolled his eyes and I couldn't help but laugh my butt off at the thought. Jake was almost as big as me. Just a few inches shorter and slightly more lean in his muscles but next to Alice he looked like a giant. And yet, I would be willing to bet that little Smurf of a sister could whip both our asses at that game if she wanted to.

"Well, you two have fun. I'm off to convince that baby sister of yours that leaving for your dad's house next week is not the end of the world."

I shook my head and winked at her. "Good luck with that. That asshole has some kind of power over her."

Alice frowned at my words. "Does he not scare you, Em?" she asked, cocking her head to the side to watch my response.

I cleared my throat. Was I afraid of Charlie Swan? No. But Bella and I knew that our father was all about perception. I didn't fear Charlie, because I was his star son. I was a strong, well versed athlete and damn good-looking motherfucker on top of that. He praised me and bragged about me to his colleagues. With the thoughts and the feelings that I had been dealing with inside my head lately though, I knew that perceived Emmett was about to change. I feared that change. Feared how it would alter how people treated me. Charlie would be the most obvious in how he went about accepting this change. Or not accepting it as I was very certain would be the case.

But Jake was in my line of sight and he had a bottle of water raised to his lips. My eyes tried to focus on Alice's face as I spoke, but my mind was stuck on the image of Jacob's lips wrapped around the tip of the bottle.

I swallowed and shrugged. "He's an ass, Alice. End of story."

She huffed. "Well, I just wrote my cousin and told him to remind his brother to send his mail to Victoria soon."

I clenched my teeth and tried not to respond. Edward Cullen was going to be the death of me one of these days.

He was either the guy who made my little sister cry, or the guy whose every word she hung on to because he knew everything.

And his damn stupidass postcards were all Bella could ever talk about anymore.

Like I gave a shit about the punk and his art.

"He's family, Emmett Swan," Alice snapped and glared at me before leaving.

"Ominous little fairy," Jake mumbled.

"Whatever, let's kill some zombies."

I grabbed a bottle of water and followed Jake upstairs to his room.

Two hours later Jake was proving that successful zombie killing was simply a Cullen trait.

"No! Don't go down that hallway, man!"

"Shit!" I yelled and watched my last life drain from the worthless zombie hunter avatar on the screen.

Jacob laughed and saved the game. "I'll finish my game after you go home."

I laughed and stood up to stretch. You never realized how stiff your muscles got from playing video games. Especially if you play with the intensity that my buddy did.

"Your mom working doubles again this month?" He asked, stretching from his chair.

"Yah," I yawned. "I think she just doesn't like to come home to an empty house, you know? We're off to the asshole's for a month so she'll want to keep busy."

Jake nodded. "Yah. Too bad you still have to visit him."

I laughed. "I don't give a shit. I just spend the whole time waiting for football camp anyway. I just go to…"

"Protect Bella," he finished.

I nodded. Alice was right. Bella let Charlie's mind games get to her. She was hopeful that he would change. Naïve enough to believe that if she did everything he wanted that maybe one day he'd let us be his family just like Dr. Cullen did.

Shit. Dr. Cullen didn't do anything more than say that we were welcome in his house. But that was more than Charlie ever did.

I noticed a book on Jake's nightstand. "The female body and all that grows inside it?" I read out loud.

I turned to look at him and he shrugged matter of fact. "Yah?"

Another deep breath.

That voice inside of me that always wanted to tell Jake to shut up about shit like this was actually stunned in to silence.

What the shit was that about?

"You dropped this…" Jake stretched out to pick up something from the floor. My agitation over my father and frustration over my distracted mind mixed together to make me freak the fuck out when I saw what it was.

My wallet.

"Don't!" I shrieked like a bitch.

Jake blinked up at me in surprise and then smirked wickedly when he saw my face.

He dove for the wallet and jumped out of my reach when he got there before me.

"You fucking prick! Give me that back!"

I'll admit I was irrational over the damn thing. Jake laughed and started darting around the room, always just out of my reach.

I couldn't help but laugh with him. I was pissed, but it was kind of fun to chase him around his room.

I just didn't want him to open the wallet and see what I hid. Jake would see the only picture I carried in my wallet was one of us. Taken not that long ago. And I had made a point of not giving him a copy of it.

Because in that photo, Jake was looking at the camera and smiling and I… I was looking at Jake.

With a fucking love sick puppy dog expression on my face.

"And what has the big bad Swan all bent out of shape, hmm?" I tackled him, landing on top of his body right next to his bed. He was out of breath from laughing but still grinning up at me.

In that minute, something changed.

All that stupid shitass worrying that I had done lately. The confusion about the feelings I had when I was around him.

All that crap disappeared.

I got it.

Jake was flirting with me.

Whenever he had joked around like this with me… that's what he had been doing. Whether there was a promise of me returning the tease or not, Jake never let go.

And for the first fucking time in my life, it made sense.

I realized that I liked it.

A lot.

He wanted me.

And knowing that he did, made me realize a very real truth.

I wanted him, too.

I rested my body on top of his, casually pinning him down. I was just as out of breath as he was, but my labored breathing had more to do with what I was thinking about than of our scuffle.

Jake's eyes twinkled and he lifted my wallet to his face. I watched him, my eyes no longer the same as they were before I landed on top of him on the floor.

I waited to see if the picture would say the same thing to him that it said to me.

I wasn't ashamed of the proof anymore. I didn't want to hide it. I hoped that when Jacob saw me looking at him in that photo, that he would finally know what I felt.

He rolled his eyes up at me when I refused to move. He also jerked his knee up to connect with my hip and make me grunt.

Low blow, Cullen, I'll tag you back one of these days.

He flipped open the wallet and froze.

I was looking at him.

He was finally seeing me.

His face was unreadable, but his eyes were starting to water. Was he crying? Shit, I hoped he wasn't crying. I couldn't handle it when my girls cried.

My girl.

I smirked.

Yep, that's Jake. My girl.

He blinked his eyes up at me after what felt like an eternity.

"Hey baby," I whispered.

As if some other person was moving my body, my lips lowered down to his.

You know that moment… when a key slides into a lock. When it fits just right and opens the door. That moment that you sigh and know that you are going where you wanted to go because you found the right tool to open that doorway.

I slid my tongue into Jake's wet hot mouth and found my just right fit.

I was home.

-**-Bookends-**-

"Damn baby," he moaned and the sound made my hips buck against him out of instinct.

It had only been two days.

Two blissful, carefree, fucking sexy days of us being together.

After that first make out session in his room we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

We did eventually stop. Well… we tried. First, we tried to put some distance between us and talk. That didn't work out so well. I ended up launching myself over the couch and slamming him against the front door.

Did I mention how good his mouth tasted?

So… we ended up with him shoving me outside the front door and calling me on the phone.

Me in my room. He in his. We talked it out. Well… we just talked. The key thing about falling for the person who's been your best friend your whole life is you don't have all that getting to know you crap in your way.

He told me about the fears that have haunted him the past couple years. I told him all the shit that was confusing me. In the end, we didn't have much new information other than the fact that we were two horny teenage boys who wanted each other.

Yeah. The phone actually turned out to be a good idea. Jake was pretty skilled with phone sex.

I groaned at the memory of that first night.

I had no idea how any of this worked. I had never done it with a girl. But at least I knew, from those down right laughable sex ed classes with Coach Clapp, where my shit went and what her shit did.

Why couldn't there be an extra course for those looking to hook up with their own gender?

"Em," Jake panted, pulling his face back from mine to catch some air. I just moaned and kept my lips on his skin, licking his jaw.

He shivered and ran his hands up my arms. His fingers smoothed through my curls and secured my head to his body.

"Is this crazy?" he whispered.

I shrugged and grunted but said nothing. I was kind of not interested in thinking right now. Just in feeling.

Jake felt like every good thing in my life rolled into one. He was pure love. Raw sex. And made me higher than any pot I ever smoked.

I wanted to keep taking hits from his body for as long as I could.

We didn't have much time. Lunch would be over soon. It was the last day of school before summer vacation. I had already made out with him behind his house this morning before we started off on our morning jog. Played the guy version of footsies with him during bio last period.

And now I had spent the entire lunch hour sucking face with him in the janitor's closet.

It wasn't enough.

"It's time to get back, baby," he whispered even though he made no move to leave. In fact his fingers started to caress and scratch my scalp. Making everything tingle from the tip of my head down to my toes.

I moaned, strangled and achy.

"Don't do that shit unless you want me to pull you out and hand job you, babe," I warned.

Jake laughed.

"You sure this is what you want?" he teased, nudging my crotch with his hip.

I saw stars for a second as the sensations crashed over me. "Shit," I gasped.

"Oh big boy," Jake purred.

I smirked and nipped at his bottom lip as I pushed him back against the door.

"What can I say baby," I growled. "You make my big dick hard."

Jake flushed and I nearly came in my pants at the thought of us doing what I just teased about.

"Home," I snarled. "Now."

All we would be missing is practice. Neither of us had a class after lunch, just sports. Coach would excuse us for a day. We were his star athletes. We didn't need as much practice as everyone else.

Jake stepped out first. Looking calm and casual, like he had just been chilling in the closet for the last hour.

I took a deep breath and gripped the doorknob in my fist. The irony of the two of us coming out of a closet together was not lost on me.

The anger that every aspect of my new relationship with Jake seemed to fall on an ironic side of life was surprising.

But there wasn't much I was willing to do about that right now. I followed him a few minutes later and since the hallway was empty no one even noticed that we both had been in the same closet together.

I didn't stand too close to him as we left campus. We really didn't even talk much. Just an occasional question and answer. Or a joke and a laugh. No big.

Nothing like what was going on inside of me.

Inside of me I was a ball of nerves and wants.

I wanted to know how the last hour felt to him. Wanted to believe that he had that same feeling of total joy in his chest that I did whenever he was standing close to me. Wanted to run the rest of the way home and maximize our … whatever we were about to do.

But that was on the inside.

On the outside we were just Jacob and Emmett. The two buddies who everyone knew as the tag team on the football field. The two guys who couldn't be matched on the wrestling mat.

Two guys.

We turned off the main road to the dirt path that led to our driveways.

"My house," I offered quietly. Mom would be working a double shift at the station. She probably wouldn't even take her lunch at home, just eat at the diner. Bells still had another hour of school left for the day.

We would have some privacy for at least a little while.

I stepped across the threshold of the front door moments after him and the world around me changed.

I felt relief instantly.

My body relaxed from tension that came with being outside.

Jake seemed to relax, too.

He put his hands in his pockets and turned around to look at me. He looked shy all of sudden, his ears turning pink with a faint blush.

"What are we doing?"

I shrugged. "What do you want to do?"

It was dumb, right? Stupid to just jump straight into this without… researching? Without having some sort of protection or knowing what we were doing.

"Em?" Jake whispered. He reached his hand out to me. "Come on."

-**-Bookends-**-

JPOV

I could see it. The second he stepped out of that closet.

Mental eye roll at that ridiculous metaphor in action.

I could feel him change. As soon as we were in public, Emmett shifted personalities. Not in a bad way. I understood why he did it.

I had done it for years.

But it was… revealing to watch it in action.

I had to admit… when he kissed me the other day. No warning just…bam… it made everything inside of me shift again.

I always knew I belonged somewhere.

I had spent the better part of my life knowing that I didn't belong in this body. Knowing that I would spend the rest of my life breaking out of this shell that I was born with.

But I never really knew where I belonged.

Till he kissed me.

Our mingled scents and breaths smoothing together as our lips brushed across each other's again and again was the first time I felt like I fit in.

I was where I was supposed to be.

There was a worry inside of me from that moment, though.

Well…more from the moment I finally got his ass out of the house and I could think straight.

I shook my head. My greatest fear right now was that Emmett wanted this. The Jacob in front of him. And that one day… when I became the Jacob inside of this…could he want her, too?

I pulled him upstairs to his room, knowing this house better than my own in so many ways.

He looked so relaxed that I almost would have sworn he smoked a joint on the walk home.

Something about being away from everyone else's eyes eased all his apprehension.

And I was the total opposite. When we were alone, I was unsure on what to do. I didn't want to push him too far.

Confused was a simple way of naming what we both were right now.

"Sex?" Em whispered after I stopped in the middle of his bedroom. I was locked place. I couldn't even answer his question.

Was I ready for sex? I was only fourteen, for crying out loud.

I didn't even know how we … properly went about that.

"I'm not putting your cock in my mouth," I blurted out.

Em turned from the door that he had just finished closing. A twist of a smile pulling his mouth up at the corners.

"Wasn't going to suggest it, sweetheart."

I went all girlie giddy when he did that, called me something like that. I really liked it when he called me baby. It was like some…constant reminder that he accepted me.

The blush that had began to burn when he told me about his big, hard dick in the closet at school was a raging fire across my entire body.

Hormones were a trippy fucking drug.

"You wanna…" he swallowed and looked at his bed. "Get naked?"

There were moments in everyone's life when they felt stupid. That you found yourself standing beside the situation that you were in and you could see the funny aspect of it.

Me and my best friend were standing in his bedroom, ditching school and asking each other if we wanted to get naked.

Em laughed first.

"Holy shit, Jake, what the fuck are we doing?"

My smile slowly faded. That sounded too much like a… 'this is a phase I'll grow out of next week' question to me.

I bit down on the pain that such a future would bring. I was living in the moment. And at this moment, I had the opportunity to be that girl I always wanted to be. To march up to Emmett Swan and fucking making him mine.

"Naked," I said with a clipped nod.

I undressed like I did when I went to the doctor's office. With that ever present awareness that someone else's eyes were on you behind your back.

It was weird. Some part of me wanted to be the one to strip him. Peel each layer of clothing off him and really lay claim to what was mine.

Some other part of me… felt violated.

I knew we were rushing into this shit.

Emmett hadn't even had time to really get a grip on what he was feeling. Why he was all the sudden interested in kissing a guy.

Why I made his big dick hard.

I shivered at the memory of his words.

Once I was completely naked, I peeked over my shoulder at him. I couldn't hide my reaction to him now if I tried. He made my big dick hard, too. When my eyes landed on him I couldn't help but laugh.

Here I stood, acting like I was about to get my shots at the local clinic and Em was sprawled out on his bed. His legs crossed at the ankles and his hips angled up like he had planted a flag pole on his crotch to show me where the Promised Land was.

He chuckled. "You're thinking too much, baby." He patted the bed next to him. "Come here."

I choked at his words, my cock twitching in anticipation. I crawled on to the bed and sat next to him. "But what if… I want to come over here?" I pointed to the other side of the bed.

"Sex humor," Em smiled. "That's my girl."

He called me his girl and I just about flipped.

I got all hot and tingly all over and my breath caught in my throat. "Wow," I breathed.

He was watching me with this look… one I couldn't describe. But it went straight to my crotch.

"Lie down," he whispered. I nodded, breathless like I had just ran a mile. I lay back and tried to relax. My skin felt extra sensitive against the bed spread. And every inch of me felt like a live wire that would ignite an explosion the second he touched me.

"Shh, baby," he murmured as I cried out a little when I felt the bed move and he saw him rising above me.

I had spent so long, so very long hiding me. Protecting me. Emmett had the power to help me shine. Make me feel like this—like I was someone special. And I belonged to him.

But he also had the power to destroy me. He could break me more effectively and in a lasting way with his rejection now than any other force on earth.

I was a hailstorm of nerves and fears mixed with erotic sensations that were driving me wild.

He kissed my lips softly, gently, purring my name and offering me reassurances between each meeting of our lips.

Soon the mixture of his scent and his light, caressing touch started to ease my worries. I was melting under him. On fire all over.

And my cock was throbbing like it had never done before. I could feel him, just as needy, just as hot and solid as me.

"What… what do we…" I mumbled, my mind was working but my mouth only wanted to keep kissing him.

He didn't say anything—he just kept up his kisses like waves crashing against the shore.

When I first felt his hand gliding down my body, I jumped. He stilled his fingers on my abs. Waiting for me to adjust to the feel of someone touching me.

I eased back down under him again and shuddered as his fingertips traced the trail of hair from my bellybutton to…

"Fuck!" I cried and tensed my entire body up. His fingers were at the base of my cock and I could feel it. I was going to shoot my wad before we even started a damn thing.

I focused on the ceiling and tried counting to one hundred. Tried to remember my locker combination for the past four years of school. Tried to picture zombies eating people's brains. Anything to keep me from thinking about how fucking perfect his touch felt on my skin and how impossibly ready I was to just come all over his stomach.

"Jake," Em said in his matter of fact voice. I didn't look at him. His goddamn pretty face would make me come twice just by looking at it right now.

"Don't worry bout it," he reassured me. I whimpered when he started to move his hand again.

"Em…no.. I…" a strangled breath left my throat just as his hand secured around me. I came, hard, fast.

I couldn't even enjoy the sensation… I was so disgusted with myself for not being able to hold my own for more than five minutes.

"All that fucking build up," I grumbled.

Em started to laugh and opened his mouth to speak… when we both frozen at the sound of a gasp from the doorway.

Mortified, filled with terror and just about ready to have the earth open up and swallow us both—we looked over into the eyes of Em's little sister Bella.

"Oh my God…" Her eyes were bugging out of her face. Her mouth was hanging down. And I couldn't even begin to imagine what the two of us looked like.

Fuck. My cum was all over her brother's stomach.

Fuck. Had she seen me …

"BELLA!" Emmett roared. "OUT!" He screamed and she followed his command instantly.

He sat up, sighing and looking like he was ready to puke.

"I… shit, Em.. I'm sorry…"

He held his hand up and shrugged. "Don't be."

I blinked back the tears that I was afraid would fall from the second he stepped out of the closet this afternoon.

"Shit, baby, I didn't mean it that way." He was lying down next to me the next minute and running his fingers through my hair, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

"I meant… it's no big. We'll deal."

I looked him straight in the eyes, positive I was hearing things. No one on earth was that… quick to handle shit.

"With this?" I waved my hand between us.

"No, that's a done deal," he smiled and planted a hard, quick kiss on my lips. "With everything outside of here." He motioned towards the door.

My heart squeezed in my chest at the way he said 'done deal'.

"Thank you, Emmett Swan," I whispered.

He cocked his head to the side in question.

"It may not be perfect, and it might always be just slightly off," I explained. "But I know this is where I belong."

I put my hand on his cheek and let my love for him shine in my eyes.

He face split with that signature Emmett grin. "I know what you mean, baby." He put his hand over mine and leaned in to kiss me.

"Fits just right."