Blurring images of blue formed into clear, identifiable shapes as Alfred awoke, holding his head in irritation. He looked around, groaning, "Ugh... My head... What was I doing last night...?"

He glanced around the area, looking up to see five streams of water flowing down to the platform he stood on. On the platform were the familiar symbols that surrounded the Master sword before he went out cold. "Waking up with a headache in a fountain... that's never a good sign..." He shook his head. "Okay. Last thing I remember, I was pulling out the sword in the stone thing... Then the big special effect happened- Wait, who the hell are you?"

The figure before him looked middle-aged and had a head of short, scruffy brown hair. He wore old-fashioned clothing with a red cape, and had a goofy sort of grin.

"Well, G'mornin', sleepy-head." He said.

"Heh? ' Sleepy-head'? How long have I been out?" Alfred said, still in a bit of a daze.

"Oh, I don't know of the top of my head..." He pondered aloud, "Hmm, I'm guessing..." His voice suddenly went serious and echoed about the fountain. "Exactly seven years."

"Huh...? Seven years—No, seriously, how long?" Alfred laughed.

The man blinked. "I am being serious. Just look at yourself."

Alfred glanced down at himself, and for sure, he was at least a few feet taller, and his usual attire seemed a little bigger than what he had worn before. Britannia the fairy flew around him excitedly. "Oh my god, Alfred! You're an adult!"

Alfred grinned. "Whoa! This is unbelievable! I mean, I'm a-... Wait, did you put tights on me while I was asleep?"

The man scoffed. "Well, what else was I supposed to do?" He spoke as if it were the most obvious, sensible thing in the world. "I mean, bits of you were starting to hang out! Y'know, I wouldn't have to have done that had you came in here wearing underpants!"

Alfred sighed. "I keep telling everyone; it's purely a comfort thing."

"Okay," Alfred began, "So, where the hell am I, anyway?"

The man before him with a certain Latin air blinked again. "You mean... you don't know?"

"Nope. Haven't a clue."

"Wha—but... You're the Hero of Time! Here to collect the Triforce!" The man seemed incredulous.

"The what?"

"The, Y'know... The Triforce! Power of the Gods? The symbol of ultimate power?"

"Nope. Never heard of it."

"Hmm... I could swear that Antonio, the Deku Tree, was supposed to tell you..." The man pondered aloud. "Oh well, I guess I'll do it.

A long, long, time ago, there were these three Goddesses."

Alfred's voice interjected, "Were they hot?"

"No," The man said sternly and seriously, "They all looked like Oscars.

Anyway, then they decided to create the world. But, when they all saw how crappy it was, they all decided to run back to heaven. But they were in such a hurry, that they crashed into each other, and fused together to form... The Triforce."

Alfred nodded in acknowledgement. "Wow. Cool! So, uh... can I have it now...?"

"W-well, you see..." The man stumbled on his words, "Here's the thing... Since you were too young to be the Hero of time, we decided to freeze you until you were old enough. Unfortunately, that gave Ivan enough time to come in here and steal the Triforce."

"Wha—how did he get in here?"

A pause. "...I forgot to lock the gate."

Alfred sighed loudly. "Great, now he has ultimate power?"

"Not quite," began the man, "You see, while he was escaping, he dropped it, and it shattered into three pieces. So now he only has the Triforce of Power, while the Triforce of Wisdom and Courage remain."

"Alright, sweet! So, what part of it do I have?" Alfred inquired.

"Your Triforce contains the power of Courage."

"And... What does that do?"

"Well," The man started, "if you see a bus... It might give you the power to go jump out in front of it."

Alfred looked at him quizzically. "Huh? But that's not brave... That's just stupid!"

"Well, stupidity, bravery... they're the same thing, really. Now, off you go!"

"Huh? Go where?"

"Well, to go through some dangerous dungeons to rescue the other sages so we can build you a bridge to get to Ivan's castle, of course!"

"But," Alfred began, "Can't I just get a bridge-builder to do that?"

"No," The man said sternly. "It has to be a magic bridge. Now get going," A light started to form above Alfred, and he glanced up to see it. "And I'll give you this over-sized novelty coin."

A red coin a few inches bigger than Alfred's head fell from the light and he held up his hands to catch it. It had a burger indention on either side. "I got the over-sized novelty coin~" He sang.

In a bright flash of light, he was lifted up, and the next thing he knew, he began to materialize in a blue pillar of light on the platform where the Master sword once stood until the light disappeared. He lifted his head up to the ceiling, calling out to the man, "Hey, wait, can I actually use that coin?"

"No, you can't, sucker." The man's voice echoed throughout the room.

Alfred huffed. "Aw, man." He started out of the room, sighing. "I guess I better get going."

Halfway towards the fancy supermarket door, he froze in place. Britannia the fairy blinked, "Hey, what're you stopping for?"

"Someone's sneaking up behind me," he answered in a small voice.

"Alright, then turn around."

"I can't, I'm too frightened."

A familiar voice called from behind, "Just turn around, you idiot."

Alfred drew his sword readily, turning to face the mysterious person. It was impossible to tell who they were, for an outfit that looked similar to a ninja outfit and a small mask that covered a portion of their face covered their appearance.

"My name is Sheik." The person called.

Britannia the fairy ignored that comment. "Elizabeta, why are you dressed like that?"

"Huh?" Sheik gasped, not excepting that, "I'm not Elizabeta... I'm Sheik!"

"Yeah, Britannia fairy, what're you talking about? This guy is a guy. Elizabeta is a girl. Girls aren't guys(1). You're so craaazy~" He sang.

"She's wearing a disguise, you idiot!" The fairy exclaimed.

Alfred scoffed. "Oh, please, I think I would recognize my own girlfriend?"

"That's right." Sheik nodded. "He- Wait, whaddaya mean 'girlfriend'?"

"I mean, to start, look how flat-chested this guy is. What kind of a girl wouldn't have any boobs?" Alfred examined. "Also, this guy is nothing but a pile of old skin and bones, whereas we all know that Elizabeta had more meat than a cow."

"Shut up talking about me—I mean, her like that!"

"Uhm," Alfred blinked. "Okay."

Sheik cleared his or her throat, "Okay, listen up. I'm here to help you on your quest. And I need to tell you that stairway to the forest temple has broken down, so you'll need to go to the graveyard to pick up a special item so you can gain entrance."

"A special item, huh? Ooh! Is it a coffin?"

"No." Sheik said, loosing patience.

"Is it a tombstone?"

"No."

"Oh! Oh! Is it a magic shovel?"

"Yes, Alfred, it's a magic shovel."

A pause. "Really?"

"No, you idiot! Who ever heard of an enchanted shovel? Now, get going!"

"Okay, okay, calm down," Alfred stated, "No need to get so angry. I mean, before we left, Ivan did not even know how to be evil. How bad could things have gotten with him in charge?"

"After you left he found out that he was related to Richard Nixon."

"Oh, come on, that couldn't have made things that bad."

-Later, outside the temple of time-

The world was dark and buildings were run down. Zombies littered the streets in many directions.

"Oh, you son of a—"

TBC