The Confession in the Cocktail 2

The Life She Imagined.

[Author's note: Last nights episode touched me so deeply that I couldn't get this one scene out of my head, the scene I wish they had ended with (or something along those lines).]

As she walked away from the Jeffersonian, towards the diner, Booth at her side like always, she thought about what they had just done. Aristew had been right, she had taken the case personal again. And it had left her worried and confused, just like last time. However this time they had been able to bring something good out of it, so she felt a little bit better than last time, when Booth had carefully rejected her.

Now, everything was different. They had a silent agreement, and Booth, who was walking next to her, was thinking about that agreement as they approached the diner. Just a few hours ago she had confessed to him that she was soon going to be the only one without a child, and Booth knew that bothered her more than she had lead him to believe.

He held the door open for her to enter and then followed her to their usual table at the window. He ordered fries and a burger and fruit salad for her, without discussing it, because he knew she always had that salad. Another one of those important, subconscious facts, he thought to himself.

Brennan was quiet, and Booth observed her carefully.

'You did a great job with that girl, Bones,' he complimented her.

She looked at him. 'I could relate to her situation and I found that to be a great help.'

'Yeah, I'm sure that helped, but I mean.. In the end, it was you who knew what to say, not your experiences, right?'

Brennan thought for a minute. 'Yes.'

He sighed. 'Look.. Bones, I know what Sweets said, and I know it hurt you, but he was wrong and he knows it. He was way out of line.'

She shook her head. 'I don't want to talk about that. If I had the means to show what I mean or how I feel all the time I would show it, believe me.'

'I know, Bones. But it's not your fault, you see. It's Sweets' fault because he forgot to look past your top layer.'

'My top layer, Booth, consists of epidermis..' he interrupted her. 'Don't start. You know what I mean.'

She nodded, 'I'm sorry. But doesn't the same apply to you?'

He frowned. 'How do you mean?'

'You have to look past your own top layer as well. Parker is very lucky to have you, but all you see is your one mistake today. People lose control sometimes. That doesn't mean you're a bad person.'

He smiled. 'Is that you lecturing me on people's feelings, Bones?'

She shrugged it off. 'Just don't knock yourself up about it.'

He smiled an even sweeter smile at her. 'Beat yourself up, Bones. Beat.'

They ate in silence for a while, before she spoke again, suddenly breaking the comfortable silence. 'I don't want you to feel pressure because of what I said.'

He stopped eating, his hand stopped dead halfway between his mouth and the plate. 'Pressure? Why?'

'Because what I said about children. I didn't mean I want to have a child right now.'

'Bones, I know it's a wish you have and I think you'd be a wonderful mother. I understand very well that the current situation is probably stressing you out a bit, but..'

She cut him off. 'It's not stressing me out. It's just.. I'd like to have that too, some day,' she ended quietly, looking down.

His heart melted at the sound of her voice, her sincerity hit him like a bullet.

'I know, Bones. I want you to have that. Hey, look at me,' he said, finding her eyes with his.

She looked at him and suddenly she didn't understand why she was so afraid. This man would help her through anything. How was it that conceiving and raising a child didn't scare her half as much as being together with this man? She had no idea. The look in his eyes was utter and pure love, adoration and hope. She hoped she was conveying the same thing.

He, however, saw the fear and confusion in her eyes. Some people said her blue eyes made her look even more cold, but he disagreed. If people only took the time to really look at her, they'd see that every time she said something cold or harsh, her eyes would tell a completely different story. They were compassionate, open, honest and showed her great capability of love and devotion.

Right now, however, he saw only a glimpse of that love and devotion, hidden behind primal fear and insecurities. 'Hey..' he said, trying to calm and reassure her with his voice and eyes.

'I know you want to have that, and you will. I know you will.'

She tore her gaze away from him. 'Booth, in order to conceive a child I would need a compatible mate who is willing to be a father to my child. I don't want to be a single parent, contradictory to what I believed at first. It would be beneficial to my child to grow up with two parents. However, I do not have the luxury of a steady relationship, so therefore, having a child would be neither possible nor responsible.'

He was waging a war inside his heart. This was his moment to reassure her. To tell her what he wanted was exactly what she wanted. And that he felt he was ready. But still, he was afraid of getting heartbroken once again. Was she ready? Would she accept his statement or would she run? Before their eyes had met, he had been sure of himself. This was the night. But seeing that deeply rooted fear still present in her eyes had shaken his confidence. Only he knew her so well, too well to walk away again. She needed to hear it first before she could return it. It might take a while, but she loved him already. She just needed to build up the courage and strength to openly show her affection.

'Bones.. I.. I lied to you. Back when you wanted my.. Stuff, you know, to have a baby.'

She frowned, her eyes more fearful than before. 'About what?'

'Technically, you know it already. I couldn't. I couldn't let you have a baby and not let me be the father. Even back then.. I.. I thought we could be a family. Bones, I loved you, even back then.'

She looked at him, her lips slightly tense, her eyes filling with tears refusing to drop.

'Oh.'

'Yeah, and then this whole brain tumor thing happened, and we never discussed it again. Only this morning, when you said.. That you.. You know, would soon be the only one without child, I really.. Really wanted to say that it's not too late.'

'You mean I can still use your sperm? I know that, Booth.'

'No, Bones, not that. I mean I'm here. I'm ready. We can.. You know, build up to it, but I would love to have a child with you.'

He caught the look in her eyes and it made him go silent. Confusion had replaced fear and he could see her brain racing to understand, carefully trying to believe him without drawing wrong conclusions.

Then, her eyes cleared.

'I lied to you then as well.'

He didn't answer, just looked at her, encouraging her to continue.

'Multiple times, not what I think of it.'

Still, no answer, just his eyes pleading with her to see this through.

'I did want you to be the father. I was unaware at that point of your feelings for me, because I'm not very observant in that way, as you know.'

He nodded. 'Yeah.'

'I said I could raise my child alone, but I never wanted to.'

He looked at her. 'Really? Bones, you should have told me.'

'Then you had your surgery and I said you'd be fine.'

'Because statistically I would be, and I am,' he said, nodding.

'No,' she said. 'Because I wanted to reassure you and not frighten you. Your odds were not good at all, Booth. Only slightly in favor.'

He opened his mouth to talk, then closed it again.

Only when her eyes turned fearful again, because she had expected a thank you or a different, nice answer, did he speak again.

'Let's get a drink, let's get out of here.'

Later that night, both of them were not drunk but slightly intoxicated nonetheless. Booth had drunk up the courage to say what he wanted to say and he was waiting for her to feel the effects of the alcohol as well, so she would be more receptive and less on edge. When she started laughing at one of his lame jokes, he laughed with her, taking her hand across the table. Suddenly serious, she looked at him.

'Bones.. Are you drunk?'

'No, I handle my liquor very well. I am, however, feeling slightly less focused.'

'Good.'

'Why?'

Then, he decided to cut right to the chase.

'Because I want to tell you that when you're ready, we can be together, and it will work out, and then we'll have a baby, together, and it will be the best thing that ever happened to us.'

'Wow, you're drunk,' she said, but her voice betrayed her. She had heard him and she'd heard the sincerity and truth behind his slightly lower, more raspy tone.

'Maybe a bit, but I mean every word. So you better believe it. And don't feel any obligation, I want you to be sure when we do this, but just know that I'm not that angry anymore. This, us, together, is what I missed so much, Bones. It's helped me find peace and laughter again. So whenever you're ready, Bones.'

She held his gaze and he saw peace in her eyes. She accepted what he was offering and it made him very happy. He had done the right thing.

'I'm not completely ready to give up the last of my imperviousness, Booth. But I think I'm strong enough to risk losing it soon. But it's difficult, it's changing who I was into who I want to be and it's proven to be harder than I thought.'

'I know. Just.. I'm here, talk to me about anything, let's make this work.'

She nodded, grazed her thumb over his before withdrawing her hand.

'I'm sorry I lied to you. About the family thing.'

Booth shook his head. 'Don't worry, it's fine. It was my fault as well, I hadn't seen it coming. I was a bit defensive I guess.'

'Yeah, but you did what I asked you, for me, am I right?'

He nodded slowly. 'Not for myself, that's for sure. I was very uncomfortable, Bones. But I wanted to help you and I still want to help you. Only not without me being involved in every way.'

She didn't miss how he emphasized 'every', and she smiled. 'Good.'

This truth thing kept helping them out, giving them new insights in their relationship. Especially Brennan appreciated it, because she needed these little moments of him showing her love to realize the impact, the grandness of this. Slowly she was starting to realize he didn't just love her as a partner or as a friend. He was in love with her, head over heels. Madly in love with every particle of her being, and she was starting to realize that that was the feeling she had been having as well. This content, deep feeling that wouldn't go away when he was around, the longing for his presence when he wasn't. She had written it off as normal side effects to being with someone so often, hadn't thought anything of it. But now, now that the feeling was acknowledged and being openly discussed, it was there more prominently, and she recognized it more often than before. And she didn't want to feel strong or independent anymore. She wanted to share her burdens with this man, and for the first time in her life, she felt he was willing to do the same.