Enjoy The Silence – Depeche Mode
AU: Set during 'Special Education'; an alternate take on Rachel's revenge
You've got a piece of me, and honestly, my life would suck without you
She sings, she dances, she parades around the room like she fits in because finally she does. The eleven people around her, twelve including their teacher, have finally come to respect her talent and personality, even if she still manages to grate on them without meaning to. She smiles, as she does with every performance she gives, but this is genuine, this is genuine happiness, because they've won their first big competition, and selfish as she is, she's happy that Finn knows the truth, is free from the baby that was never his.
Rachel wishes that the idea to sing to Mr Schuester had been hers, but it was Finn's suggestion as they left they venue; he's co-captain for a reason.
"We should perform for Mr Schue," he gushes as they walk to the bus, their first place trophy proudly in his hands. "He didn't get to see us sing, so we should do something special for him, as a thank you for being cool and stuff."
Rachel nods vigorously, and not because she's madly in love with him, but because she agrees; it's actually a very good idea. "That would be brilliant Finn. Do you have a song in mind?"
He opens his mouth, about to say something, but Quinn walks up to him and tugs gently on his arm, and he doesn't say a word, his smile vanishing in an instant. "I don't want to talk to you," he says loudly, not bothering to look at the blonde girl. Rachel manages a glance in her direction, and she's met with a cold, hard stare before the ex-Cheerio disappears after the rest of them.
"C-can I hold your hand?" Rachel asks, and Finn looks surprised, but he nods (though barely). Rachel weaves her fingers into his, and it feels totally right, for her at least.
What a difference a year can make. As Rachel stood in the choir room, staring at the piano in front of her, she actually wished that she could go back in time, go back to a time when Finn had been hers (to an extent), to a time when she hadn't been forced to seek revenge, to a time when he was Finn Hudson and she was Rachel Berry, and they were discovering how much they meant to each other.
Actually, she didn't want that; she just wanted to go back in time so that Finn could tell her the truth himself, or better yet, to the day that he lost his virginity to Santana so that she could stop him.
She couldn't though, and there was no point dwelling on the painful past because she had to make things right, even if Finn should have been doing that.
She'd noticed that Finn didn't take control when he should have. The football versus glee club debacle, his inner rock star crisis, the Karofsky bullying incident, Santana, and other times besides. Maybe she expected too much of him, and Rachel painfully remembered her embarrassing crush on Mr Schue; he mentioned something about high school boys not living up to her expectations, and maybe it was that all over again?
So, there she stood, waiting patiently for her boyfriend to make an appearance (he was already ten minutes late). Whatever happened, whatever had to be said in the heat of the moment, she needed to make sure that this didn't change, that he remained her boyfriend, even if he'd hurt her beyond her imagination.
Words like violence break the silence
"Rachel?" Finn slowly made his way into the choir room, a hesitant grimace on his face that made Rachel purse her lips and place her hands on her hips. "Sorry that I'm late..." He stood awkwardly beside the piano and glanced at the clock just to remind himself of this fact. "I got caught up in... What's going on?"
Rachel hated Finn for making her love him. She needed to yell at him so badly, yet how could she when he looked so vulnerable and Finn-like? His eyes looked tired and his face looked drained and his general body language looked uncomfortable, and somehow, guilty. More than anything, Rachel wanted to just say 'I forgive you' and wrap him in a hug.
But she couldn't.
Come crashing in into my little world
"We need to talk," she said coldly, which made Finn flinch and wince; he wasn't used to the severity of her tone, and 'we need to talk' was never, ever a good thing.
"Okay."
Rachel took a deep breath, smoothed down her dress, then looked at Finn with a steely resolve, her shoulders shaking with the pressure of staying strong. "Do you love Santana?"
Painful to me, pierce right through me
Finn would have laughed if he hadn't needed to cry. "Are you kidding me?" he spluttered, but judging by the furrow of her brows and the shine of her eyes, she wasn't. "Of course I don't love Santana." He spat her name out like a poison because in a way, she was like some kind of snake venom that had seeped into Rachel's heart and turned her against him. "I love you Rachel."
Can't you understand, oh my little girl?
Rachel could feel her heart slamming against her rib cage uncomfortably, as if it was trying to jump at Finn, forgiving him for his stupid mistake. But she had to think with her head, not her heart, and she knew she was about to hurt him.
It had to be done. "I have to tell you something," she said firmly, though her voice shook like her whole body shook. She hated the distance between the two of them because she was just used to being able to touch Finn and kiss Finn and hug Finn whenever she wanted to, but this distance couldn't be overcome until the truth was sorted for good.
"Okay."
"I invited Noah over to my house last night."
"Oh."
Silence. Silence because Finn didn't understand what she'd just admitted, and Rachel didn't know if she could bear to tell him after all.
"Did you..." Finn trailed off as he sat down on the piano stool. His legs trembled because come on, what could she want with Puck apart from... apart from him?
"I planned to... kiss him Finn," she whispered, and she didn't bother trying to hide the emotion in her voice because Finn's face twisted into an expression of pure pain, and it killed her. "I planned to make you feel as bad as I felt after everything with Santana, and when he was sitting on my bed, and he began to lean towards me..."
Finn stood up and kicked the piano stool in rage, which made Rachel jump. "I can't believe this!"
"And I pushed him away!" she cried, throwing her hands in the air as a tear ran down her cheek. "I'd asked him to kiss me, but before he did, I realised that it would be the biggest mistake I could ever make, and I pushed him away." She rubbed her eyes quickly and made a whimpering sound before slumping to the floor. "Because I love you Finn."
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed
Finn watched her, dazed, confused, hurt, elated, guilty, happy, and all kinds of other things in between. He wasn't so good with the drama of their relationship, and with the awkward truths, and the right words to say, but he knew that he had to hold her, if only for a moment. He took a few quiet steps towards her, lowered himself to the floor, then wrapped his arms around her shoulders as she cried.
Is here in my arms
Rachel submitted for a second. For a second, she melted into his familiar touch and breathed in his familiar smell and smiled her familiar smile.
The next second she pushed him away as she scrambled across the floor, away from his perfect touch and smell. "You can't just hold me and pretend that everything's okay!" she yelled, wiping more tears away as Finn looked on, a crease appearing between his eyebrows with a frown. "You can't just brush my feelings under the carpet and pretend like none of this ever happened!"
Words are very unnecessary
"You can't make me the bad guy all the time!" Finn yelled back. He kind of surprised himself since he hadn't expected to shout at her. "Yeah, okay, I had sex with Santana, but you were with Jesse, and I was jealous and lonely and hurting like a fucking bitch!" They were still sitting on the dusty choir room floor, glaring at each other, yet neither of them tried to get away. "I was going to tell you eventually, but what would have happened if I'd come clean? You still would have been pissed."
They can only do harm
Rachel shook her head from side to side. "I would have understood, and I would have appreciated your honesty, and-"
"But it was never about that Rachel," he replied, though he didn't shout it because that sudden rage had dispersed (for now). "You're just mad that it was Santana, and if I'd told you when it had happened, or if I had told you after Regionals, or whenever, you would have still been pissed because it's Santana."
Words are spoken to be broken
Rachel closed her mouth, unable to reply. He was right, of course. Of course it was because of Santana! She'd made Rachel's life miserable, and he'd admitted that he found her to be 'super hot', and how many reasons did he need? It was all because of Santana.
"What would you have done if I'd kissed Noah?" she said after a moment's hesitance.
Finn scrunched his nose and shook his head. "What?"
"Answer me," she said firmly, clutching her knees to her chest. "What would you have done if I'd cheated on you with Noah?"
Feelings are intense, words are trivial
Finn felt his skin burn and his stomach burn and his eyes burn. "I would have broken up with you," he said, taken aback by the anger in his voice. "Quinn cheated on me with Puck, and it would have killed me, and-"
"And that's exactly how I feel about Santana," Rachel interrupted. "I know that you may think that I don't have a legitimate reason to hate her the way I do, but she gets under my skin like Noah gets under yours."
Pleasures remain, so does their pain
"I don't know what you want me to say Rachel."
"I want you to say that you're sorry."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't know if I believe you."
Words are meaningless and forgettable
"Do you believe that I love you?"
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed
"I don't know."
"Are we a part of something special, you and me?"
Is here in my arms
"Yes."
Words are very unnecessary
"Will we be okay?"
They can only do harm
"I don't know."
Enjoy the silence
"I love you Rachel."
Enjoy the silence
"I have to go."
Enjoy the silence