Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games, nor do I own any proverbs
A/n: Thought it'd be a shame to avoid my usual Sunday update. Hope you enjoy :)
10) A Danger Foreseen is Half Avoided
The problem with this arena is the amount of paths and caves. In all of the Games which I've seen in my life, tributes tend to run into each other a lot. But not only are we not seeing anyone else, we can't even see any sign that they've been this way or that they're nearby. Admittedly, these last two could just be because I've forgotten all of my tracking skills but Mattis hasn't and he's sure we're alone.
I'm not too worried at the moment though because someone died this morning. The audience has had its blood fill, unless that person committed suicide in which case it was probably cut off. Since people in the arena don't generally commit suicide, survival being one of those things humans have an instinct for, I decide that possibility isn't likely.
Mattis' words, about deaths being personal and impersonal, come back to me and I can't help feeling guilty. Not only am I barely thinking about the fact that someone is dead but I'm trying to use their death to my advantage. But remembering that they're someone I've met makes it too painful to bear so I go back to my objectification. It's like when we watch the Games on TV – we don't really see that they're real people. We just see characters. It's more acceptable when they're characters.
Thinking this, I glance at Mattis. He looks horribly thin and anxious. It occurs to me that apart from the smile of relief when I woke up, I haven't seen Mattis smile at all. Whatever spark he had to him, it's gone.
I wonder what I look like. If it's anywhere near as bad as I feel, I don't want my family to be watching me – they'll definitely not be up to objectifying me. Leo will be upset and Erica will just feel guilty. Or I assume she will. Maybe she'll feel glad that it was me who drew the short straw and not her.
"Anfisa, listen!" Mattis hisses suddenly. Obediently, I stop.
"... wasn't sport."
"We put on a show, didn't we?"
"Who's that?" Mattis whispers. I shrug and signal him to be quiet. All I can tell is that it's two girls and they're speaking from below us. I have never wanted to learn how to be invisible so much as now – if they look up, they'll see us.
"Some show. He was going to die eventually anyway."
"Yeah but we had some fun and the kill..."
"Went to Gloss, Loren."
I flinch involuntarily.
"Yes but at least it didn't go to Kiril." The girls laugh. At least I know who they are now. "But I wonder what happened to him."
"Kiril?" A brief pause. "Oh, District 9. God knows."
"He was happy to run into us though. What the hell happened out there to him? And to that District 7 boy?"
"How should I know?"
"Just asking, District 1. 'Cause whatever took off District 9's arm and made him happy to find us is still out there." Another pause and I realise the voices are getting fainter. "Maybe it'll find you next."
"Fine. I'm not scared of some monster. I'll kill it and then I'll kill you, District 2."
The voices finally disappear. I lean back and look at Mattis.
"The boy from District 9 ... he was the one I hid from. He was being ... chased," he murmurs.
"Whatever's in this arena, it's vicious," I murmur back. "Let's just try to avoid it."
He nods. Then, suddenly, "Are you OK, Anfisa?"
"You mean apart from the concussion and bad legs etc etc?"
"I mean ... I mean ... are you OK? Not you physically but you..."
"I'm not insane, Mattis," I tell him dryly. He looks away and I instantly regret my answer. "I don't know," I say, "but I'll just have to live with it."
He nods and then suggests we keep walking. It's funny – if you'd asked me before the Games which one of us would cope better with them, I would have picked me. But I don't think that's true now. As well as being well and truly battered, I'm suffering. I can't even think straight anymore. Mattis seems normal in comparison.
At least he didn't mention Gloss. That was clearly what he meant. But I couldn't say anything on live TV even if I wanted to because that would just endanger us.
Still, I can't help wondering how many people Gloss has killed. And why I still don't feel scared at the thought of running into him, even knowing that he's killed someone.
Mattis is definitely doing better than I am.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
To say we're cautious for the rest of the hike is an understatement. Upon hearing the slightest sound, both of us dive for cover. It's never another tribute or even a mutt. But after being so close to two of the deadliest tributes in the arena, neither of us wants to take that chance.
Eventually, the sun begins its slow descent. We're on one of the mountain clearings, no idea where. I suspect the reason they haven't tried calling a feast yet is because it would be the most bloodless one they'd ever put on, primarily caused by no one being able to find it.
I shake my head to clear my thoughts. More and more, I've started off thinking about one thing and ended up on a completely different topic. Unfortunately, shaking my head proves to be a bad idea because the world doesn't stop moving when my head does. Whatever is wrong with it, it isn't normal.
I stop walking. Startled, Mattis does the same and asks me if I'm OK. I point to the sun. He takes this to mean that I have finally gone insane (which, considering that my answer to his question had nothing to do with it, is probably quite a logical deduction) and comes over to me. I decide to actually answer him verbally this time and tell him that we agreed that when the sun is setting, we'd split up for one day.
He looks uncomfortable and says we'd be much better as a team. Part of me wants to agree but part of me can't help but think that it would be safer for the pair of us to completely split up. If things continue at this rate, the Gamemakers will try to kill us off. If we're alone, we're less of a liability, to each other at least.
Then again, I can see the advantages of working as a team, not only from a survival point of view but also from a feeling normal point of view.
But I don't want him to die for me.
"I'm sure," I tell him. He looks unhappy but agrees. I point out that we're going to meet up again tomorrow and that this is mainly for finding out more about the area/ finding out where the hell we are. It's this last statement which prompts us to decide on this area as our meeting place tomorrow. At least we'll know where it is.
Having decided this, we look at each other awkwardly until I tell him I'm going to head left. He nods and then says he'll head right. I begin to walk away.
"Hey, Anfisa!" he yells. I turn around. He's grinning, slightly. "Don't forget – bet's still on."
I turn back. "I know," I shout back although the truth is, I'd completely forgotten it. "I haven't given up on it yet."
I hear him chuckle but I can't help but notice that it sounds forced. Almost as though he's laughing to make himself laugh. Maybe he isn't coping with the Games as well as I thought he was after all.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
My first priority is to find somewhere safe to sleep for the night. I briefly debate the pros and cons of climbing a tree. The pros are that no one would think to look for me there and I might look good to sponsors for my ingenuity. The cons are that I haven't climbed a tree since I was eleven and I doubt I could do it with broken fingers. In the face of this compelling argument, I keep looking for somewhere on the ground.
By the time the anthem has begun to play, I still haven't found anywhere. I'm beginning to think Mattis was right after all. We should have stayed as a team. The Gamemakers have tried to engineer confrontations between us but I don't think it's necessarily him they're trying to kill. It's me. And Mattis has a girlfriend and family at home; I don't think he'd actually die for me in the same way Lela did. In fact, if anything, I owe him my life, not the other way around.
It is therefore a mix of this frantic, random reasoning with myself and panic which gets me through the night. I don't find anywhere where I would feel safe to sleep on my own. And I never really mastered camouflage so that's not an option. By the time the sun has risen again, I'm exhausted. I pick some nearby plants which I recognise and eat them but it doesn't do much for my energy levels. Still, I can manage another day without sleep. I hope.
For the next few hours, I put all of my energy into watching where I walk. I turn around and walk in the direction which I think I came from so that I know I'll have gone in the right direction for when I meet Mattis. At one point, I stop by one of the small mountain streams, fill my water bottle and splash water over my face to keep me awake. I also eat a little bit of the leftover food. It's running out too quickly for my liking.
Eventually, I'm walking through a wooded area when I see a figure lying by a pond. My first thought is that it's a dead body – but there haven't been any cannons so I assume it's someone who's either sleeping or unconscious. Cautiously, I creep forward for a better look, hiding behind trees when I have to. Finally, I get close enough to see who/what the body is.
It's Mattis. Asleep and clutching his knife. I'm not sure why he's here since he knows I came in this direction but I decide I don't care. Being alone is not a plan which is working. We may as well not get lost together.
I start to move towards him when I hear footsteps running in this direction. I leap back behind a large tree and then realise that the footsteps are coming from the opposite direction. Carefully, I look from behind the tree and see a man stop by Mattis.
"No!" I shout before I can stop myself. But the man doesn't even look up. Instead, he lifts what looks like a jagged rock and smashes it with full force into Mattis' sleeping body. Then, as the cannon fires, he begins to tear into his victim and pulls something which he puts in his mouth. He raises his rock and slashes viciously at Mattis before repeating the process.
For a few seconds, I'm too horrified to move. Then I throw up. I freeze, expecting the sound to alert the tribute but I hear satisfied grunts and realise that he is in his own, sick world. I turn and run, darting from tree to tree until I'm sure he won't hear me. Then I run harder, despite my screaming legs, out of the trees, because I want to put as much distance between myself and him as is physically possible. It's bad enough that he killed Mattis but to ... he ... to ... to actually eat...
I hear strange gasping sounds. My face feels wet. I'm sobbing. Huge, breathless sobs. I can't get the last few minutes out of my head. He killed ... he ate ...
"Mattis," I gulp through the tears. "I ... I didn't ... I wasn't meant to win the bet. Not yet."
And then a hand grasps me by the neck, choking me.
"Got you," a voice snarls. Then, sounding more confused, "What are you crying about? I haven't done anything to you yet." The hand puts me down and through blurry eyes, I see Gloss.
"The monster," I gasp out.
"You've seen it?" he asks eagerly.
"I ... he ... it's a tribute! He killed ... he killed ... he killed Mattis." I look at Gloss. "He killed him and ate him."
"What?" Gloss yelps. "He ate him?" I start to sob again, nodding at him. "What the ... what the hell is he doing? You don't eat the ... no one would ever do that."
If it hadn't been Mattis who was killed, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would tell him it's ironic that one of the most feared tributes in the arena thinks there's a moral line in these Games. But it was Mattis who was killed so I just nod and try to stop my tears.
Gloss fidgets, clearly uncomfortable with what I've told him. "I need to tell the others. Now we know what the monster is ... I just wish I knew how to get back up..." He trails off and then looks at me. I'm still not paying him much attention though. I've calmed down but I keep seeing Mattis' final moments in my head.
And I can't help thinking that if I had just agreed with him and we'd stayed as a team, nothing would have happened to him. He'd be alive. And we'd be fine. He knew something bad would happen: a danger foreseen is a danger half avoided. All it takes is someone like me to fill in the half where it isn't avoided.
"District 5," Gloss says in his "killer tribute" voice. I don't look at him. "District 5, look at me or I'll kill you."
I still don't react. I'm completely numb inside.
"District 5! Goddamn it." A hand comes under my chin and forces my head up. "Listen to me, will you?"
"Don't be so fricking rude," I mutter. "Leave me alone."
I see a flash of indecision in his eyes and then remember that he told me that if he ever saw me again, he would kill me. Well, let him. I'm too tired to care. I just want to leave this arena where people like Mattis are butchered for entertainment. Where people like Lela are scorned and people like Kiril and that monster tribute are free to do whatever they want. If I have to die to do it, then so be it.
"I'm grateful for the information you've given me. If you know how to get to the mountain path above us, I'll let you go. Again. Fair is fair, District 5. I need your help." I look at him. To my surprise, he slaps me and then grabs the front of my shirt, pulling me close to his face. "Damn it, Anfisa, I'm trying to help you," he hisses, almost completely inaudibly. "Take me up on my fricking offer. If I have to kill you, they'll have won."
I want to argue back and tell him that he's letting me live so that I'll eventually die anyway. And it's the fact that he's made me want to argue back which makes me realise that if I let him kill me then Mattis and Lela would both hate me. And he's right. The Gamemakers would have won.
"Fine," I mutter. "I'll take you back to the mountain path. Then I'm just staying the hell away from everyone."
He puts me down. "Whatever," he sneers. "As long as you do it."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Our hike is a strange silence at first. Partly because I'm not in the mood to talk (or in the mood to do anything, much) but there's more to it than that. It's not so much that neither of us can think of anything to say to the other. It's more that whatever we'd want to say can't be said on camera. In fact, that's how it's going to be for the rest of one of our lives (at least) – the less the Capitol think we like each other, the safer we'll be.
I start wondering, wanting to take my mind off ... the past events. The one thing the Capitol needs for these Games is conflict. Which I'm still depriving them of. And they're not even getting much. I start to replay everything in my head.
... Mattis ... (it's surprisingly hard to even think about him. It makes me want to stop and give up. Silly, really, that a name should have so much effect on me) (but it's not just a name. It's his name. And he meant more to me than I thought he did) and I were clearly friends. They want deaths. The quake began when I jumped and when Mattis was in a position where he could either help me or leave me: but he tried to help me and failed. The shake was clearly designed to bring some form of conflict – either by me dying or by swearing revenge on him. Maybe that was a one-off but I ruined it. Because I survived and didn't think it was his fault. And he knew I'd believe him when he came to look for me.
I let Lela go. When we made a team, they sent that hurricane. I tried to save Lela. She was killed by something big. But she pushed me out of the way ... maybe it's coincidence. But I'm beginning to wonder whether they were actually trying to kill me. For more deaths and more conflict. After all, Mattis was just around the corner and if he'd seen me dead and her alive maybe he would have fought her. But I've already considered this...
"District 5, can't you cover yourself up?" Gloss suddenly snaps. I try to glare at him but when I meet his eyes, I realise he's actually embarrassed. I look down at myself. My clothing has ripped to such an extent that, for my top half at least, I'm more torso than clothes.
"With what, District 1?" I snap back automatically. "It's not like I have spare clothes all over the place."
"Fine, walk like a savage."
"Doesn't bother me. You brought it up."
(I feel stupidly proud of the fact I got through that conversation without sobbing.)
I notice that he looks away from me. However, when I slow down, unable to take the pace with my head and legs, he slows down without comment.
I go back to my thoughts. Mattis and I were helping each other. Mainly Mattis helping me but we weren't going to kill each other or anyone else. Or even do anything camera-worthy. And I even told him that I wouldn't kill anyone.
"You always this slow, District 5?"
I look up again. "Do you remember when I told you I fell off a cliff?"
"Yes."
"Well, I also got caught in gale force winds. It's not good for my legs."
He laughs which surprises me into curling the corners of my lips upwards. I haven't heard proper laughter for a while. "You don't have much luck, do you? You ever considered moving at night instead?"
"How would I see?" Then, just because we're on TV, "And why are you helping me anyway?"
He smirks. "One, because you're not going to win anyway so it doesn't matter and two, because even I can tell we're a while away from the path and I have to put up with you for that time so we may as well make conversation."
I roll my eyes. "Night is for sleep. It's safer to hide then."
"But everyone else is sleeping so you could hunt then."
"I wouldn't," I say bluntly. Then, because I don't think I can go around telling everyone I meet that I don't want to kill anyone let alone hunt for them, I add, "maybe during the day but night is ... different."
"Really?" He sounds faintly amused. "Why?"
I shrug. "The moon," I say, off the top of my head. "I've always liked looking at it and I couldn't just kill someone when it's there."
He gives me a hard look and I can tell that he knows I'm not telling the complete truth. No matter how much I like looking at the moon (and I'm not lying about that), its beauty and presence has absolutely nothing to do with killing someone. It's like saying having a very nice flower in the room stops you from beating someone up. It's an inanimate object. It has no relevance. But he only knows I'm lying because he's spoken to me before. So he just says, "That's stupid."
There's no force behind his words at all.
"I don't care what you think," I tell him. "I just happen to think the moon is beautiful."
He shrugs. "It's a glowing orb, District 5."
"It's not even that, here," I say, for reasons which I haven't thought of yet. "It's just artificial. It's not the same."
"True," he replies and, again, we're silent.
We stop for a brief break in which we don't share our food or water with each other although he taunts me about the amount I have. I tell him he's fat. He's actually looking a lot leaner than he did in the Training Centre but it doesn't matter. He still looks annoyed, though I see the glint of amusement in his eyes. I resist the urge to smile back. Arguing with Gloss is therapeutic – it stops me thinking of...
"Let's go," I say. He nods and gets up.
Once we start walking, we stop talking and I find myself going back to my original train of thought. If Mattis and I were going to hide and not do anything then they'd want to put some conflict in. I think back to where Mattis was and realise, with a sinking heart, that it wasn't that I'd gone in a circle or something. Mattis was trying to follow me. To team back up.
And since I was heading back, it was clear we'd had the same idea. So did they send the monster tribute to us? Or...
"Gl- District 1," I say suddenly. Gloss nods. "How did you get separated from your pack?"
He grins crookedly. "I was looking for some traps I'd set when everything started shaking and the path I was standing on just suddenly sank. And when I tried to circle back round, I heard snapping so I came in the other direction. That's when I ran into you."
So Gloss was sent in our direction. The monster tribute was a happy coincidence for them. Gloss was the one they wanted to find us. He'd definitely try to kill us – he said he would earlier. And if he tried to kill Mattis only, I might have stopped him. Everything that's happened so far has been the Gamemakers trying to set me up. Maybe. Or it could just be a coincidence. But there's no denying that I've publicly said I can't kill anyone...
A crazy thought hits me. If the point of the Games is for us to kill each other and I'm not killing anyone, would they take my declaration as some kind of rebellion? It wasn't supposed to be one. It was a simple statement of fact, not intended to overthrow the Capitol in any way whatsoever. But if I were to win now, I might do it without killing or only killing once. A winner who openly won't use violence and seems to encourage everyone around her to do the same. They'll never let it happen. And I've survived everything so far so maybe they'll try harder.
Or maybe it's just a coincidence.
"Why did you ask?"
"Just ... just wondering," I answer as calmly as I can.
If they haven't split me and Gloss up yet, they must be hoping he's going to betray me. But what if he doesn't? What if he lets me go? Which he will because it's not necessary to kill me. The Gamemakers saw us at the Training Centre. He'll have let me go twice. They'll know for sure. He won't kill me and I might even try to help him. Maybe they'll try and make it so it's us two left at the end. But I doubt it. Tributes aren't meant to be friends in the arena. They want to discourage the idea. So one of us will die. At least. Maybe both of us.
"You look ill, District 5."
"I'm fine."
He shrugs and we walk. I feel awful.
There's no way to warn him that his letting me live has placed both of us in more danger than any other tribute in the arena. A danger foreseen might be a danger half avoided but a danger ignored is one which kills you.
He should have killed me when he saw me on the fourth day.