Disclaimer: I do not own THG nor anything by Judith Knowlton
Review Reply to Enna Moon: You don't have PM enabled so the reply is here instead :) Thanks for the review and for pointing out that typo which made the scene a tad more disturbing - it's been changed!
A/n: Alrighty, next chapter. Hope you enjoy. Please note as I'm a bit busy for the next week, I've also uploaded Chapter 12 so go wild!
11) I Always Have Choices: Sometimes It's Only a Choice of Attitude
It starts to rain. This surprises me more than it should – it hasn't rained at all since the Games started but that doesn't mean it was never going to. But this does mean I'm going to get colder. Perhaps the Gamemakers are trying to kill me through pneumonia.
After a few minutes, Gloss tells me to stop. He opens his pack and pulls out something which he throws to me. It's a metre of water-proof plastic.
"Put it on," he orders. "You look terrible like you are now."
"How? I don't know if you noticed but I'm not a tent."
"Like a cape." He unwraps it and drops it over me. "I'm not tying it up."
"You've gone crazy," I comment.
"Maybe, but I'm the one with the sword."
I can't exactly argue with that. I drape it around my shoulders and tie it with some rope. I now look and feel like an undersized superhero/idiot. But it does stop some of the rain hitting me. And I probably look a little bit less as though I'm attempting to strip.
We carry on walking. However, I finally recognise the area and know that the mountain path is very nearby. I'm not sure if I feel happy or sad about this. The further away I am from Gloss, the safer we'll be. But even when he's pretending to be a homicidal maniac who hates me, he's good company.
As he walks ahead of me, I look at the pack on his back. It's not strange that he has one but I've just realised that he didn't comment on the fact I have his first one. I doubt he's forgotten so I guess he really did mean for me to find it. I guess he's "forgotten" for the cameras.
I swallow nervously. If he hasn't forgotten and I haven't forgotten, I imagine the Gamemakers haven't forgotten. It must have been amusing to watch on TV – the poor district girl stealing the bag of the man who had just let her go – but the Gamemakers will know for sure that there was something more to it. They must do. No group of people who can design and run arenas so intrinsically and smoothly are stupid. Cruel but not stupid.
"Keep up, District 5."
I attempt to speed up but my right leg protests too much. He slows down instead.
Bang.
I actually jump at the sound of the cannon. Gloss is instantly on his guard. But there are no voices and no strange sounds. Whoever is dead must have been killed by the arena or far away. We don't say anything to each other but I clench my fists as I realise that fourteen people are now dead. Including Mattis.
I hope that monster tribute hasn't eaten someone else.
"Keep moving," Gloss says. "I want to be on that path before nightfall."
I glance at the sky. It's too gloomy now but I think the sun is beginning to set. So I try to speed up and when that doesn't work, I look apologetic. Gloss doesn't say anything about it. I can't help thinking he should. Snap at me, I think. Every time you don't is another instance where we must be friends. But he remains silent and I'm not really able to ask him to shout at me. That would defeat the point.
We find the path about twenty minutes later. I walk with him onto it and then we stop and look at each other. I see his hand clench around his sword handle.
"Here's your path," I mutter. "My end of the deal is done. Are you going to keep your end?"
He moves his sword slowly and for a brief second, I wonder whether he's been playing me all this time and is going to kill me. For some reason, this upsets me even though I know we're in danger. Then he puts the sword down. "A deal's a deal, District 5," he says gruffly. "You got me here so I'm going to let you go. But next time I see you, you're dead, OK?"
I shrug as though this doesn't bother me. "If you say so."
I turn and walk away, without another word. It feels good to be the one who walks away for once.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I find a small cave and decide I don't care if I die tonight, I'm going to sleep. Besides, now that Gloss has let me go, the Gamemakers are probably thinking of drawing yet another disaster towards me. But if survival is simply how long you can put off death then I may as well sleep because if no one comes to kill me, I'll have survived regardless of how smart it was to sleep. And let's face it, I'm in an awful condition. I can barely walk without going dizzy, my left hand aches constantly and I can't even grip my knife properly. I am almost certainly not going to win. So I shouldn't stress too much about trying.
But my mind refuses to let me go to sleep straight away. Instead, I find myself waiting until the anthem plays and then, like clockwork, I look at the sky.
Mattis' picture flashes up first. I look at his picture, his face nervous – just as he was with people he didn't know. For the first time, I wonder what his girlfriend is thinking now. His family. Oleander and Apa. Everyone who knew him and loved him.
And what they must think about me ... I don't want to know. Mattis died because of my stupidity. He died for me. Like Lela. For all I said about not being able to kill anyone, I seem to have managed two people just fine. That thought makes me feel sick.
All too soon, Mattis' photo disappears and the face of the girl from District 11 is shown. I wonder how she was killed. I wonder if there was anyone in the arena who feels the same way about her as I did about Mattis. But this is all idle speculation – I'll only find out the answer to the first question if I win and I'll probably never find out the answer to the second question.
I lie down on the floor and fall asleep instantly. My dreams are haunted by Mattis and the cannibal. Except every time the cannibal tries to eat Mattis, his body changes so that it's Erica or Leo or my parents. Enya. Even Menna Vale and her uncle. And all the while, in the background, Mattis tells me that it's my fault he's dead while Lela laughs mockingly.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I wake up screaming. Then I grab my knife but it doesn't seem as though anyone is chasing me. Yet. I get up and look inside my pack for food and discover I'm down to my very last morsels. Well, this is bad. I have no food left and I can't trap or hunt for more because I can't really use my left hand. I'll just have to live off berries. Or stalk someone with food.
An image of the cannibal comes into my head and I decide that no matter what happens, no matter how hungry I get, I am not going to eat anyone. Even though it's actually, logically, a brilliant solution to the Games because you increase your chance of winning and have sustenance. I don't think I'm logical any more. I don't think I ever was. Because even before the Games, there was no way I would have given the idea of eating the other tributes more than one thought.
Once I've finished eating the food, I decide to pick a path once and for all. I'm going to keep climbing upwards if only because this arena has to end somewhere and the more I move, the harder it will be for the Gamemakers to draw me out. I pick up my pack and begin to walk.
I hike all day. I see tracks, suggesting a tribute has been nearby, but they lead away from my direction so I ignore it. By nightfall, I have reached one of the cliff faces so I walk to the left, still looking for paths upwards. I don't even bother to hide – I simply fall asleep, hungry and aching. Part of me wants me to put up more resistance to the Games but I don't have the resources to play analytically anymore. I'll literally have to stumble my way to victory. Assuming the Gamemakers let me.
When I wake up the next morning (screaming from the ghost of Mattis), I eat the berries I picked on my hike yesterday which don't fill me. I'm starting to feel dizzy again but it can't be helped. I hope I'm not being shown on the screen though because I don't want everyone at home to see me like this. Especially when I'm their last hope for a District 5 victory.
I carry on hiking upwards and try to work out who's left. The tributes from Districts 1, 2 and 4. The boy from 6 – I shudder when I think of his gleeful expression. The girls from Districts 8 and 10, I think. And me. It's the tenth day and there are ten of us left. This isn't a particularly good rate for a bloodthirsty audience. But two people died two days ago so that may satisfy their lust for now.
I doubt it though.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I hear the growling at about mid-morning, before I even see the horses. From far away, I imagine they look like normal mountain horses (whatever normal mountain horses look like. I've never actually seen one in real life) but from the distance I'm at, I can tell instantly that these are mutts: they're giant, their fur is green and their teeth are pointed. That, and the fact that they are viciously tearing into what looks like a family of rabbits. I may not know much about horses but I'm pretty sure they're not carnivorous.
They turn as soon as I see them and begin to charge towards me. I run, ignoring the screaming from my body. But even I know that this is ridiculous because horses are faster than humans. Nevertheless, I keep running and jump off a small ledge. I have just bought myself roughly two seconds.
I keep running but I stumble a lot. If I were at home, this would be the moment that I shout for help. But I'm not at home. I'm in the Games where I can only count on myself for survival. Like I'm an adult. But not quite because even adults at home have people they can rely on.
I'm on a slope looking downwards so I run that way. Again, this is stupid because the horses will speed up as much as I will. At least, that was the thought process, until I happen to glance back and see that the horses slow down significantly, almost walking instead. Mutts generally have some kind of weak spot but this is just weird. I guess this is why they've never been used for anything other than these Games.
Still, I'm not one to ignore an advantage. I keep running downhill, trying not to stumble, until I've reached a ledge path. I run to the left, knowing that I'll eventually reach another path downwards. By the time I've gone down the slope, I'm breathing hard but when I look back, the horses are gone. Almost. They've congregated above but they're making no move to come down. The message couldn't be clearer: if I go up there, they'll kill me.
I stop and rest. I drink the last of my water which is stupid because I haven't found another water source yet. It doesn't completely hydrate me but I feel less like I'm going to vomit. My dizziness remains, however, and when I look downwards, I find I have to jump back. For some inexplicable reason, looking down makes me feel as though I'm falling. And I can't go up. I guess I'll have to walk in a straight line for a bit.
As I begin to walk, I notice the remains of a fire. Curious, I crouch down and study them. Recent. Very recent. Whoever was - and it looks like there was at least one person – must have been here within the last twenty-four hours. I draw my knife, feeling more than a little inadequate, and look around. I know they didn't go to my right because I've just come from there. But if I go to the right, the horses may take this as a sign that they should kill me. Going left will take me in a similar direction but I try it anyway. I look up. The horses have begun to move. I move to the right. They mimic me. I try taking a few steps downhill. They stop.
So I can't go up, right or left. Only downhill. Obediently, I walk that way but I'm feeling edgy. I was the only tribute up that high and the Gamemakers clearly didn't want anyone going higher. But the fact that the mutts marked my movements if I tried to go left or right is what got me. Their weakness isn't going downhill: they were programmed to slow down. The Gamemakers want me to go downhill. Because that's where the tributes are.
Still, they can't control in which direction I go downhill, I assume. This cheers me up until I've walked about two hundred metres diagnolly left and my left foot breaks through earth. As I swear angrily, I feel something slimy grip it and dig into my ankle. Shrieking, I kick and pull my leg up and finally, it lets go. I fall backwards, my heart pounding. If I go this way, the arena will try to kill me. There's no doubt about it.
But if I go the other way, the tribute will try to kill me.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Whichever way I go, I'm probably going to die. The only difference is that I don't know for sure what's in the way the Gamemakers want me to go and whether there's a way of escape. But if I don't go that way, I definitely will die. There's no choice whatsoever – the outcome is the same.
I finger the rabbit necklace around my throat and make up my mind. I promised Menna I'd return with her necklace. Lela and Mattis died because of me. I can't just let myself go so easily.
So I've decided. For Menna and Lela and Mattis, I'll take the Gamemakers' game and try to win it. If I don't then everything Oleander predicted will come true and Erica will blame herself. Lela and Mattis would hate me. I can't just give up now. I have to do this.
I always have a choice, I think as I start my walk in the opposite direction. It's just that sometimes, it's only a choice of attitude.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
I've been walking for a few hours when I finally reach trees. There's a patch on every level and every hill, I think. At least this means there'll be water. If nothing else, I'm thirsty.
I walk through the trees slowly, savouring the sunlight. Today is actually quite a beautiful day and the sunshine pouring through the trees makes me feel a bit calmer. I shake my head (and wish I hadn't) to force myself to focus. I'm in danger. I'm always in danger. If I don't assume I'm in danger, I'll die.
Water gurgles nearby and I realise I'm near a stream. Eagerly, I walk towards it and don't see the figure straightening up until I've walked into them.
"Watch where you're going or I'll make you watch where you're going," the figure growls and, for some absurd reason, relief pours through me, even though he's drawing a sword as he turns towards me.
"Don't be so fricking rude," I snap back. "Or threatening." And then, before I can stop myself, "You've added to your repertoire."
I swear under my breath because if there was any doubt in the Gamemaker's minds before this, they know for sure now.
"Anfisa!" he exclaims, shocked. Then his eyes widen. "Go!" he hisses. "Get out of here!" But, behind him, I see a group of tributes running towards us. I turn and try to run but my foot – the one caught by the slimy monster – gives way and I fall. I barely have time to turn over before I'm surrounded by the tributes. Gloss has been awkwardly sandwiched between the girls from 1 and 4.
Kiril jabs me with his sword. "Hey, ain't this Gloss' whore?" he asks mockingly. The other tributes laugh and sneer. I see Gloss and he looks from his allies to me, panic in his eyes.
This was the Gamemaker's trick, I realise. Lead me in the same direction as this pack. One final confrontation between me and Gloss. If he helps me, he dies and I die too. If he doesn't, I die knowing he didn't help me. And he lives, knowing I was murdered for him.
"I'm not his anything. I have more class than that," I spit and then stand up as casually as I can.
The answer, when it came to it, was simple. Because if I choose to die this way, the Gamemakers haven't won. I have. I'm not forcing Gloss to make me die for him – I'm forcing him to let me. Because my blood won't be on his hands then. Even though it's a choice of attitude it means more to me than anything else. It means I'm free.
I think I understand what Lela did for me now.
But God, I'm scared.
I don't want to die.
"I'm too good for you anyway," Gloss sneers at me. I resist the urge to breathe a sigh of relief because he's playing along. I know he's only playing because I can see it in his eyes.
I want to give up now and ask him to save me. Or beg for it not to hurt. But I can't. I have to play it out for the cameras. I won't give up now – I won't give the Gamemakers and audience the satisfaction.
"Rude and a liar," I sneer instead, hoping he doesn't see my trembling body. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my-
"Argh!" I shout as someone grabs me roughly and drags a knife into my arm. Someone else grabs me and does the same. And again. And again. Again again again again.
It hurts. Dad, it hurts. It really, really hur-
"AAARGH!" I hear a wild voice screaming but it takes me a few seconds to realise that it's me. Someone knocks me to the floor but I don't notice the impact because it hurts too much and I can't focus and I can't breathe. I look up but all I see are unfamiliar faces – no Gloss – I think. Four faces smiling cruelly and one face looking grim and strange spots. Flashes of pain again and again all over my body, on my head, my stomach, my legs, combining into one and I can't stop screaming but I lose the voice to scream. Darkness flashes in front of me. I can't think. I can't breathe. I can breathe. I can move but only because they're making me. It ... I ...
"Hey! Over there! More sport! Leave her, she's done for anyway."
The people move away. I try to breathe but it hurts. I can't ... focus properly. I hear voices nearby but I don't know what they're saying.
Gloss' face suddenly looms over ... mine.
"You look a proper mess," he growls but his ... expression is pained.
I make myself laugh and choke on blood. "You ... ever ... polite?"
Tough until ...
Until the end, Mattis.
Play the cameras.
My ... choice...
He smiles. "No." His face comes ... closer. "Sorry I didn't save you," he whispers.
He ... looks too sad. He saved me ... twice and I'm saving him twice. Once with the ... cannibal and now ... a deal's a deal, right, Gloss?
Too ... sad...
"I'm ... sorry ... I ... didn't ag ...agree to be ... your ... wh-whore." I tell him. The words are ... surprassedly
Surprisingly. Surprisingly hard to ... to get out. Needs wind.
"Anfisa! Where did that come from?" he yelps quietly and ... the surprise in his ...
In his eyes... is worth it ... he looks
Like my Gloss.
I smir
Smile.
"J-j-just ... wanted ... you ... shocked," I force ... out. "Like ... kiss. Sh-sh-shock before ... I die. And ... a smile."
His ... lips ...
Curve.
Smile ... for the ... camera.
No.
For me.
Eyes ... heady
Heavy. Eyes ... heavy.
"... you want," he says.
Too ... late ... now for ...
Regrets.
Mattis and ... Lela ... come towards me...
I ... stand up and ... walk ... forward...
I sling ... Lela's arm around me.
Mattis ... shakes his ... die.
They smile ... I smile ... back.
Logically ... speaking ... I have ... nothing at all...
But ... I'm still happy...
because ... I saved Gloss.
I beat the ... Gamemakers ...
At their ... own...
Game. Guess ... I
Guess I ... won...
After...
All.