Author's Note - This is the last installment of chapter 1 (trumpet fanfare). As I said, the later chapters thus far are not as long.
PantherAnimagi - Thanks for reviewing. Glad you're enjoying.
Chapter 1 - Lying Low at Lupin's (Part 4)
"The doctor wanted to put you down like a sick dog?!" Sirius was outraged.
"That's how most wizards view werewolves, Sirius, like Muggles view a rabid dog. Anyway, the doctor didn't dare suggest it again after the black eye my mother gave him. My dad always used to say, never mess with an Italian woman," Remus said fondly. Sirius's face was still thunderous, "That's what they do, Sirius, especially to children that are bitten. Most wizards believe that when their child is bitten, they're dead, and all they are doing is laying to rest the shell that used to be their child. I'm very grateful that my parents believed differently."
Sirius sat quietly for a moment. Remus waited, knowing well that he would continue with what was on his mind when he was ready. With a tap of his wand, he reheated their tea cups and took another sip.
"Dumbledore manipulated you," Sirius finally growled.
"I beg your pardon," that had not been what Remus was expecting.
"You had no intention of infiltrating the werewolf pack until Dumbledore told you about this Greyback," he spat.
"I wasn't doing it for revenge, Sirius," Remus said, "I've long come to terms with what I am. Certainly there are times when I wish I was normal, but who's to say I'd have met you and James and Lily? Who's to say I'd have even been in Gryffindor? You can't wish away the bad in your life without risking losing the good. I was doing it because it was a way I could contribute that no one else could. I'm not completely naïve, Sirius. Dumbledore may have given me incentive to want to do the mission, but he didn't manipulate me."
"Why didn't you tell us what he'd asked you to do?"
Remus sighed, spinning his teacup slowly on the table, "I wanted to, but Dumbledore swore me to secrecy."
"From us?" Sirius asked.
Remus nodded.
"But why? We would've wanted to know. I would have wanted to know you were out there on such a dangerous mission. How were we supposed to know where you were if you called for help, and he wasn't there?" Sirius was getting more agitated, "What was Dumbledore thinking? He couldn't watch everyone at once. For something like that, there should have been backups, safeguards, check-in plans…"
"It wasn't just that, Sirius," Remus stopped him, running a hand through his hair. He had thought, at some point, that he would have to explain this to Sirius, he just didn't think it would be the first night they were reunited.
"What then? Because I've got a bloody good mind to hex Albus when he shows up in the morning for such a hare-brained scheme!" Sirius steamed.
"We knew there was a traitor in the Order," He held up a hand as Sirius took a breath for another rant, "I told Albus that it couldn't be possibly any of you. I had trusted you, James, and Peter with my life since second year when you found out what I am. I refused to even consider that it was any of you or Lily, but Albus said that it didn't matter who the spy was. The members of the Order were already known to the other side. I couldn't just walk up to the pack and convince them that I wanted to join. Even if Greyback didn't know all the Order members, Voldemort was sure to know who was in the pack. They wouldn't buy I'd left the Order unless…"
"Unless we already thought you were a traitor," Sirius breathed, his eyes widening.
Remus nodded, continuing to study his tea cup, "Most of the rest of the Order was already suspicious of me because they knew I was a werewolf. No one else really trusted me except for you, James, Lily, and Peter. When I started doing the research necessary to be able to infiltrate Greyback's wolves, I was unaccounted for for long stretches of time, and I was looking more haggard trying to learn to transform voluntarily."
"And we bought it," Sirius said, shaking his head.
Remus would have given anything for one of Madam Pomfrey's pain relieving potions…or her Pepper Up potion…or even just a bite of Honeyduke's chocolate. His body ached and even the smile of approval from Dumbledore couldn't entirely make up for it. For the first time today, he'd managed to transform himself into a werewolf voluntarily. It had taken two months. He'd had no one to guide him, and it wasn't exactly something someone wrote a "How To…" manual about. He'd been relying on what he'd learned from his fellow Mauraders when they had been learning their animagus transformations, but it turned out to be entirely different. Initially, he'd wanted to learn the spell too. After all, why should they restrict their adventures to the full moon if he too could learn to take an animal form? They'd had to be careful about asking Professor McGonagall too many questions about animagi or she'd become suspicious, but Remus couldn't help but ask if werewolves could become animagi too.
"Why do you ask, Mr. Lupin?" Professor McGonagall had frowned.
Remus stood in the empty classroom and put on his best morose persona, "Well, you see Professor, I can't control what I become on the full moon. I just thought it might be nice to become something that I can control."
Even Sirius had been impressed with his excuse when he'd practiced in their room that morning.
Professor McGonagall frowned again, but this one was filled with pity. He hated how often "morose Remus" worked, "While it has never been documented, at least to my knowledge, that a werewolf has tried, I would say no, Mr. Lupin. Animagi are not covered until NEWT level, but the theory behind the transformation includes finding the animal inside yourself, the animal that embodies your personality, your very soul. Then, you have to give yourself over to that feeling. It is an elusive journey, Mr. Lupin, and
many wizards abandon the attempt at that stage because it can be very…disconcerting to be that honest about yourself, to look that deeply. In the case of a werewolf, I would think you would find discovering that animal impossible. The wolf would be too strong."
"Oh," Remus had said faintly.
"I wouldn't be too disappointed, Mr. Lupin," She had placed a hand on his shoulder as she guided him out of the classroom, "It is an endeavor few wizards choose to embark upon."
Remus nodded as he left, but it wasn't because he would be unable to become an animagus. It was the thought that the wolf had claimed his soul.
He'd shared what McGonagall had told him, about exploring their personalities, their souls, with his friends, but he'd kept his thoughts about his own soul to himself.
Turning himself into a werewolf had been very different from what his friends had told him about becoming animagi. They had said that you did indeed find the animal inside yourself and want to become it. James had even confided in him that becoming Prongs tickled. Becoming Moony most decidedly did not tickle. It hurt. He'd been disturbed at how easy it'd been to find the wolf inside. It leapt to the surface, clawing to be let out. He'd first had to learn how to control that feeling. He couldn't give himself over to the wolf as James, Sirius, and Peter gave themselves to the stag, the dog, and the rat. No, he had to be the wolf's master. It was the pain he had to give himself over to. The first time he'd started to transform and he felt his bones begin to creak and his ligaments strain, he'd stopped, gasping. This wasn't to be shapeshifting, a fluid movement into a natural extension of yourself. It was transforming, the breaking of a body into something unnatural. Perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd embraced it, as ferals are said to do. If he'd embraced the wolf and its desires and instincts, but not even for the downfall of Voldemort would he do that. The wolf may own his soul, but he would own the wolf.
"The meeting is about to begin. I must start that way." Dumbledore said quietly, "Wait here for about twenty minutes, and then come in late looking, well," He cast his eyes over rumbled closed and shadowed eyes.
"Just like this," Remus smiled resigned, "I know, but honestly Albus, this will probably work for most of the Order. I don't think they've ever truly trusted me, despite your endorsement, but James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter will never believe I would betray them."
"Well, we shall work around that as we need to," Dumbledore said as he made his way out of his office. Remus frowned at his doubtful tone as he settled wearily into the squashy floral-print arm chair that had been conjured for him.
Twenty minutes later, he slowly opened the door of the abandoned cottage deep in the Forbidden Forest. Fifteen pairs of eyes turned, looking his way disapprovingly. He smiled and shrugged, taking a seat beside James who was holding one year old Harry in his arms. The child grinned upon seeing Remus and reached his arms out to him. Remus
began to reach out, but James shifted the child to Lily. Harry gave a brief wail of protest before Sirius distracted him with the keys to his motorbike.
"Sorry," James mumbled, "He's teething and he gets antsy."
Remus nodded, his brow furrowed. Usually, he was the best at calming Harry's teething pangs, something that quite annoyed Lily, but Dumbledore was beginning again.
As the meeting continued, Remus could feel the eyes of the other Order members on him, only to shift hastily away if he looked back, but he ignored it, reminding himself that it was necessary if he wanted to survive his assignment. Dumbledore updated them on confirmed new members of the Death Eaters, finally including Lucius Malfoy, whom they'd long suspected but were unable to prove. They discussed Voldemort's likely next moves and ways to prevent them. Finally, Dumbledore reiterated to them all the caution they should all take as they went about their tasks.
"Constant vigilance," nodded one of the aurors who now sported a tremendous gash in his nose after a clash with a Death Eater.
"I think that sums it up nicely, Alastor," Dumbledore agreed, "That concludes our meeting, ladies and gentlemen. You will receive word of our next meeting in the usual way. Remus, if you will wait for a moment, I wish to speak with you."
The werewolf nodded, turning to speak to James, but the others were getting up from the table. None of them looked his way as they filed out, so he was forced to sit, waiting for Dumbledore as they left.
When the door closed behind the final member, the older wizard smiled kindly at him, "Thank you for remaining a moment. I know you wish to see your friends."
"I've not seen much of them what with all I've been doing," Remus admitted.
"I just wanted to tell you, when you think the time is right for your departure, I trust your judgment to make the break when you need to."
"But I've only been able to do the transformation once," Remus protested, "I'm not ready yet."
"I think you will find it easier to do now that you know how," Dumbledore assured him, "but there is something you should know. Voldemort is not the only one with a spy. We now have one of our own within his ranks."
"One of the new Death Eaters is on our side?" Remus asked.
"No," Dumbledore shook his head, "one of his Death Eaters has turned. I, and now you, are the only ones that know his identity. I have informed him of your mission. If something goes wrong, for either of you, you both should know you can turn to the other for assistance."
"Who is it?"
Dumbledore paused for a moment before replying, "Severus Snape."
"What?" Remus was bewildered, "Snape has been a Death Eater in training since he could toddle!"
"There is much more to Severus Snape than you know, Remus, just as there is much more to you than he believes." Dumbledore admonished, "He has already provided invaluable information to us. Voldemort has targeted the Potters and will be moving on them."
It was more than Remus could process…Snape turning spy for the order, Voldemort after the James and Lily "I can't go underground now. James and Lily will need my help."
"You can help them by continuing on your mission. James and Lily will be going into hiding under the Fidelus Charm. Sirius has agreed to be their secret keeper. No one, not even Lord Voldemort will be able to find them."
"What about Sirius?" Remus asked, clasping his hands.
"Sirius will go into hiding as well. He will be moved constantly, always under the protection of the Order," Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder, "He will be fine."
Remus frowned, but nodded. If he couldn't trust Dumbledore, then they were lost already.
"Good boy," Dumbledore nodded, "As I said, you have my leave when you feel the time is right. Do not risk your life unnecessarily. Use your patronus to stay in touch with me."
"I will," Remus nodded, standing up and going out the door. He began walking down the path that would lead to the apparition point when he heard his name.
"…Remus can't be the one." It was Lily's voice, "You three have been on about this for weeks now. It's ridiculous."
"I'm telling you. Lily, we can read Remus like a book. He's hiding something," Sirius's voice was insistent. Remus crept softly through the brush off the path and could see Lily, still holding Harry, with James, Sirius, and Peter.
"James?" She turned to her husband.
He sighed, "Remus is keeping something from us," he agreed with Sirius, "I don't want to believe he's turned, Lily, but nothing else makes sense."
Remus felt his strength leave him and his stomach lurch. They couldn't believe it. Not ever…not so quickly.
"I'm telling you, James, it's Remus," Sirius growled, "We've barely seen him for months. He's vague about where he's been! Remus hasn't been acting like Remus."
"I didn't want to say anything," Peter stammered, "but he was ranting when that amendment to the werewolf legislation passed last week. He said he'd have more freedoms joining Voldemort. I…I thought he was just blowing off steam."
Remus shook his head, still sick…he'd said that, but he'd laughed. More werewolf restrictions had become frequent. The only way to get through them had been to laugh with his friends.
"You see," Sirius said, "the pressure has finally become too much for him."
"Sirius, listen to yourself," Lily reasoned, "This is Remus. We've known him since he was eleven. If anyone knows how to deal with pressure, it's him. He would do anything for the three of you…he'd die for you, you know that."
"He has been lying to us Lily," James said more confidently, "He said he'd gotten work at a muggle grocery store, but I went to take him some food there just yesterday and they didn't know who I was talking about. I thought maybe he was using another name and he hadn't mentioned it, but when I asked him about it, he just looked guilty."
"You see," Sirius snarled, "Face it, Lily, he's turned. Remus is the best liar out of the four of us. He's had plenty of practice."
"Out of necessity, Sirius," Lily argued, "He always hated lying when he was at school. You know that."
"We've talked about this over and over for the last two weeks, Lily," Sirius persisted, "It has to be one of us. Some of the information passed on has only been discussed between us, and he's the only one who…"
"Who what?" Lily glared, daring him to say it, "Anyone could have been listening in on us."
Sirius's grey eyes met her emerald ones, "He's the only one with something to gain."
"No," Lily shook her head, "Remus has no reason to want to join Voldemort."
"Voldemort is allowing the werewolves freedom to be what they are," Peter said quietly.
"Voldemort is allowing werewolves to kill and maim and torture. That's not who Remus is."
"You've never seen Remus as a werewolf, Lily," the normally quiet Peter continued, "He's as blood thirsty as any Death Eater. It takes everything that Prongs and Padfoot have to keep him under control. Maybe he finally just wants to be allowed to run free. They say the transformations are easier when the wolf is free to feed and hunt."
"I don't care that I've never seen him as a werewolf," Lily replied, "The Remus I know doesn't want to hurt anyone. The Remus I know loves his music and his books and his friends."
"War changes people Lily," James began.
"I see that it does," Remus interrupted. The others jumped and James and Sirius pulled their wands, moving to shield Lily and Harry.
Remus stood there, his hands at his sides. He didn't think he had the strength to draw his wand even if Voldemort himself materialized.
"Don't start anything, Remus," James took a step forward, "just leave."
"What?" Remus asked bitterly, "Giving up on your chance to capture a spying Death Eater?"
"You admit it then," Sirius spat, his knuckles turning white as his grip on his wand tightened.
"James, Sirius, stop," Lily ordered, tears streaming down her face.
"Lily, please just stay back with Harry." James said tensely.
"Remus, go, all right, just go," Lily said her hands protectively around her son.
"Get out of here before we change our minds," James warned.
"Change your minds about what?" Remus snapped, stepping forward towards the raised wands.
"About blasting you into a million pieces," Sirius snarled.
"Do it then," Remus stopped at the tip of Sirius' outstretched wand, the point denting into his chest. His blue eyes glared furiously into the other's, "Go on, blast me," he batted away the wand arm and shoved Sirius hard in the chest.
"Impedimenta!" James waved his wand.
Remus simply waved his hand and cast a silent Protego and the spell bounced into the ground. Looking back up, he saw a wave of fear in his friend's hazel eyes. Peter stood trembling, his wand pitching wildly. Remus stood wandless, looking in turn at each of his friends overtop of their drawn wands, three beloved faces he no longer recognized. He finally cast his gaze to Lily, her green eyes uncertain, her body shielding her son.
"Go, Remus," Sirius said, "You can't take all three of us."
"Don't worry. You won't ever have to see me again," Remus was unable to keep his voice from breaking as he turned away.
The others watched his back as he moved away. Just before they apparated, they heard a howl from deep in the forest.
"I do admit," Remus said with a sad smile, "You bought it much more quickly than I thought you would."
"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius began, unable to meet his eyes.
"I was supposed to make you think it was me, Sirius."
"Maybe, but we suspected you long before that," he said, "I suspected you."
"I forgave you for that a year ago, Sirius, once I realized we'd both been betrayed."
"And before then?" He asked, still not looking up.
Remus sighed, "I want to say that I hated you, but I didn't. I don't know the word for how I felt. I thought that you pointed the blame my way to cover up for yourself; that you used me as a scapegoat and all the while you were planning the deaths of our best friends. The four of us, we were brothers. That made it hurt worse. It was rage and fury…and loss, I suppose." Sirius shifted in his chair, "And all the while you were innocent and suffering."
That got his attention, "I deserved it. It was my idea to switch to Peter. I thought it was so perfect," he said disgusted, "I turned my back on you and handed my other best friend and his family to a murderer."
"This isn't doing anyone any good," Remus reached out and took Sirius's hand, "You did everything you could to protect James, Lily, and Harry. You were right. No one would have expected them to trust a mediocre wizard like Peter with something so important. It was a good plan. Peter turned out to be a better actor than we gave him credit for."
"I thought you betrayed us," Sirius said.
"And I thought you did," Remus replied.
"In Azkaban, the prisoners go mad because the dementors suck everything good out of them, but really there's so little good and they become the worst parts of themselves. I was able to stay sane because I knew that I hadn't done it, but the times they did get to me…I would hear that howl, knowing what I did to you, and I would want to die."
"I'm glad you didn't. The past is what it is, Sirius. I know now that you were never a traitor, and it was my job to get you to believe I was. Let it go. We've got too much ahead of us to live in regrets. Dumbledore will be here in the morning. There's going to be a lot to do."
Sirius sighed, rubbing his face with his hands.
"Come on," Remus stood up, "It's late and we've been gabbing for hours like a pair of old witches. You can sleep in my bed. I'll take the couch."
"Don't be ridiculous, Moony. I'll conjure a cot in the living room."
"Conjured furniture only lasts a few hours and Dumbledore will be longer than that"
"Then I'll take the couch," Sirius argued, "I'm not kicking you out of your bed."
"Fine, first one to the couch takes it," Remus kicked the chair out from under his friend and heard the thump and swearing even as he was vaulting over the back of the couch to land neatly on the cushions.
Sirius emerged from the kitchen glaring at the werewolf and rubbing his posterior, "Just for that, I'm taking your bed," he grumbled, heading into the bedroom.
Remus laughed and rolled over, closing his eyes.