A/N: Firstly I'm sorry for updating this a year or two later if you're still hanging on, that must be some sort of record, right? I don't really leave things unfinished and so it was inevitable that I'd find my way back to this at some point. But thank you for reading and please leave a review if you can. My writing is likely to have changed since I last wrote and I've tried to keep inconsistencies to a minimum, but I've tried to keep the Bella et al in character. SO thank you, enjoy and I PROMISE I'll update asap (as in a weeks time)!

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

So why am I 10 feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

"Want to go to La Push today?" Jake asked me, pulling open the door of my truck, before I'd even had the chance to get out of my seatbelt.

"Hi to you too" I chuckled as he unnecessarily helped me out of the drivers seat. He grinned at me and we made our way over to his car. He was constantly repairing it and I sometimes wondered whether he purposely kept finding problems just so he could upgrade it. At present it was missing the bonnet and several spark plugs lay haphazardly disconnected around the engine. Behind the car were the dirt bikes that we'd only used once. That was another disaster and I hadn't really wanted to touch them since. Even though they had nothing to do with him, the two remained attached in my thoughts and although I was improving lately the last thing I needed were more reminders. I just needed and wanted to move on with my life.

"So, La Push?" Jacob winked at me as he leant on what once would have been the bonnet of the car, had it had one attached.

"Sure" I replied, unsure whether or not he actually was serious, "any particular reason?" It had been almost a month since I had gone anywhere near the beach or the cliffs alongside them. I knew Jake had been purposely making sure that I avoided the area, I think he was still worried that I would try and jump off the cliffs there despite my insistence that I wouldn't. Even now I'm still not quite sure what I'd been planning to do that day. I didn't go there with the notion that I was going to jump but it just seemed to make sense at that particular moment. Had Jake not appeared I really don't know what would've happened. I was so confused, nothing made sense and nothing seemed to matter. I was numb. I felt like I was ten feet under and jumping wouldn't have altered that, it felt like nothing could.

Or maybe it would have; I was longing to feel something, anything – maybe some part of me was clawing its way out begging and coercing me to jump, just to remember that I was alive. Since that day things had changed. I started to live again, a little at a time, and I recently was managing to sleep through the night without the nightmares I'd been constantly plagued with since it all began. Well, most of the time.

I don't know what the trigger was, maybe I'd just finally come to accept the fact that I had been wrong about so much to do with him. The pain and the hurt are ever-present, but I can deal with everything easier with each day that passes. Jake is my rock, solid and unchanging. I'm so thankful for him, as is Charlie who wholeheartedly welcomes him into our home at any opportunity and reminds me often that Jacob is very protective of me. I never know what to say to that, I'm aware of it too and I'm undecided on how, or what, I should feel about it.

"Well" Jacob began, "Sam and Emily invited us all over to their place for some food, if you're up for that?" He stepped away from the car and came to face me, "But I'd like to go to the beach first, we can't hide away from there forever"

"I wasn't hiding from anywhere" I replied, Jake raised his eyebrows but didn't reply. I wasn't really annoyed by him but recently Jake had started bringing up things from the past, things I'd rather we just forget about. He believed that discussing issues was the best way forward; I preferred to let sleeping dogs lie. "Shall we go then?" I asked as I turned towards my truck, trying not to be irritated by Jacob's casual forwardness. Jake jumped in front of me swiftly and gently grabbed my upper arms with both of his warm hands.

"I just want you to be happy, Bells, you know that, right?" I nodded and he grinned at me, "You sure you're good to go?" he asked, looking me directly in the eyes in a mock staring contest.

"Stop it Jake!" I laughed and shrugged out of his grip, "Sure, of course". I turned away towards my truck again but Jake grabbed me into one of his hugs. It wasn't a romantic embrace but I felt safe, he made me feel protected from the world and I didn't want to let go. We stood there for a little while, perhaps longer than necessary. It still wasn't particularly warm in Forks and I told myself that was my excuse for not letting go of my human hot water bottle.

"You smile more now" Jake said against my hair, "You're happier".

It was true, each day was more bearable than the last and I felt happier in myself, someone who I thought I'd lost. Even though we were only together a short time I sometimes find it hard to remember my life before Edward. I didn't regret the choices I'd made and I just had to accept that they would fade over time, gradually and naturally.

"Let's get going?" Jake asked as his smile reached his eyes. We headed for my truck, both subconsciously heading for the drivers door. "I'll drive Bells" Jake called out, his arm outstretched for my keys.

"My trucks already had enough abuse in its life, Jake, I'll drive" I smiled back, remembering how it'd been pushed to its limit numerous times before. I touched the paintwork where it was beginning to rust; it was a sign of its age, as if its hair was turning grey.

"I'll be gentle, you know I will" Jake pushed, grinning. His car had been out of action for a little while and I was pretty sure he was craving the open road. "Or at least let me drive one way?"

I grinned back at him and quickly jumped inside and into the driver's seat. Jake grumbled and slowly got into the passengers side, slamming the door shut.

"Hey! Watch it, he's a senior citizen and deserves to be treated with respect!" I reprimanded whilst stroking the dashboard in concern. Jake looked at me strangely then burst into laughter. "What's so funny?"

"He? You named your truck didn't you?" Jake spluttered between fits of laughter. "What's he called? 'Trey'? 'Trevor'? …'Trucky'?"

"I never said I named him!" I began to laugh - Jake's laugh was too contagious. "And you better behave if you want to drive back!"

Jake unsuccessfully stifled a laugh and I sighed as he offered further name suggestions.

"I like Jacob the best actually" he grinned as I pulled away from his house and headed towards La Push Beach.

It was a relatively clear day for Forks and the beach looked so much nicer, less imposing than it had before. The sea was calm and even though it was still not quite warm we walked along where the waves broke, holding our shoes in our hands. Our feet were pretty cold but it was clear that spring was upon us. Neither of us had said anything for a few minutes when Jake spoke;

"I like seeing you like this. Calm and peaceful, it makes me worry less about you." I looked over to him and his expression was a little pained. I really didn't know quite how to reply to that. He continued, "I keep…keep seeing you up there at the edge" he pointed to the cliffs that were directly in front of us now. "You have no idea how worried I was. I thought you were going to jump and the waves were so crazy. You were just standing there and the rain was pounding and all I could hear was the thunder and the waves hitting the rocks and thinking of you falling…You would've died Bells, I would've lost you. I can't lose you, ever."

He turned away from me and a tried to grab for his arm, "Jacob". I didn't know how to say I was sorry, that I didn't want him to feel like that. I couldn't be his everything but at the same time I didn't want to be nothing to him. It was cruel though, I was playing with him, toying with his emotions when I didn't know how I wanted to feel about him myself. It didn't feel wrong but even though a fair amount of time had passed, everything was still so raw.

Jake's face was always like a window to his thoughts and he pulled me into an embrace as it seemed to break a little, hiding it from my view.

"I know you don't want to talk about it but you must Bella, it's the only way to get over it. I thought that day up there was like a Zero Hour for you. You've been so much better lately, so happy and calm and you smile more. I thought it may have been over, that he'd released you." He let me go and I pulled away, looking up at his face. His eyes searched mine. "But Bella, I wasn't entirely right. That day was a Zero Hour for me too." He looked strange and I couldn't initially place the emotion plastered on his face then I suddenly recognised it as he began to speak; nervous, "Seeing you up there was petrifying. I stood there and I just froze for a moment, I couldn't move myself. I can't explain how it felt…but it… it made me see, made me realise that I couldn't lose you, that I care about you a lot. I know it's been tough these past few months Bella but I'm here for you and maybe the way to make things go back to how they were is to move on. I'm here and I think," he closed his eyes and I just stood there, pleading with him silently not to say it, "I think I love you, Bella".

I was shocked, dumbstruck, stunned, surprised; there wasn't a word in the world that described it accurately enough. I knew he was going to say it seconds before he did but still, hearing it was another matter. My mouth formed an 'o' and I was utterly and completely lost for words. I didn't feel pleased and I didn't feel unhappy. Just pure, plain dazed. I must have stood there for thirty seconds as I registered the words and Jake just looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

"Please speak" he whispered as if he'd just laid his heart out on the line, which he had.

"I…don't know what to say" I replied honestly.

"You don't have to feel the same. I'm not forcing you to love me" he mumbled.

"It's not that I don't feel for you, Jake, you're my best friend. I just don't know how I feel, how I want to feel. I care for you a lot. I'm just so confused" I felt tears come to my eyes and tried to bush them away. He stopped the movement of my hands, placing his palms on my cheeks. My arms fell to my sides as silent tears were wiped away quickly by Jacob.

"I'm sorry for forcing this on you" he said, "I just needed to let you know and I needed to know if there is there a chance."

"I'm sorry Jake, for all of this. Everything's just so wrong at the moment and you shouldn't have to deal with all this mess, it's not your cross to bear. I caused it. It's my fault. I know you're trying to help and trust me, you really do. But I'm not ready right now for anything; I'm sorry"

"I want to help you and you didn't cause anything. It's his fault – all his fault for leaving you the way he did. I'm not trying to make you love me, Bella, I wouldn't hurt you like that. I'm not like him." Jacob's hands dropped from my cheeks and I noticed that his face had become harder, his eyes had lost their normal playful softness and there was no sign of his ever-present grin.

"I know you're not" I admitted.

"Then let me prove it. Give me a chance."

"Jacob-" I began but he cut me off,

"I will be patient and I won't ever make you do anything you don't want to. We'll go slowly, each day at a time and if it's not working for you then we'll change things around so that it does. I only want you to be happy."

"Please Jake. I can't…I can't…" I said, the tears were still falling silently. This whole situation was a mess. I couldn't give him the answer he deserved and nor could I walk away from him.

"I can make you happy" He pressed on, taking my head in his hands again. "I promise. Trust me, I will do everything to make you happy"

I closed my eyes, surrendering myself to the tears that were now falling faster onto Jacob's fingers. I felt Jacob's hands shift quickly and then he was kissing me, crushing me to him. He'd shocked me again; my head was a mess of confusion and uncertainty. I felt myself kiss him back as if I had no control over my own actions.

But it was all wrong. He was pushing his lips against mine, there was too much force and none of the gentleness that my lips had come to appreciate and which had become second-nature to them. It was too much, too warm, not him. My head became partially clearer, I cared about Jacob but I knew I didn't love him in a romantic way, I couldn't when my heart still stupidly belonged to another. I couldn't fight it, not now and not yet. I raised my hands to his chest and slowly pushed at Jake until he stopped his assault. His eyes remained closed and he had a small smile on his face. I stepped out of his arms and he opened his eyes quickly, glanced at my expression and immediately stepped away from me.

"I can't," I said a little more forcefully than before.

"If you need more time…"

"I'm sorry Jake. I just can't do it and anyway, you don't want to have to deal with all this" I gestured to myself.

"Of course I do," he nodded as if committing himself to the cause.

"No Jake. I know I'm foolish and I know I'm wrong but I gave away a part of myself to him and I can't give anymore. Not now. I don't know when and I can't make promises that I may not be able to keep. You deserve better Jake, you deserve better than that"

"He can't make you happy" Jacob said with resentment resonating in his voice, "He left Bella. You know I wouldn't do that and yet you push me away and hold onto what? The memory? His clothes? What, Bella, what keeps you going?"

"Can't you understand" I was crying more forcefully now, "I don't know why I still feel like this but I do. I can't make myself not love him, it doesn't work that way. Don't you think I've tried? Maybe one day you and I could work but right now, I can't. I don't want to hurt you. I can't lie to you or myself. So please, just stop."

His face softened a little as he spoke, "I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I just hate what he's made you into. He runs off and I pick up the pieces but he still won't leave us alone. I despise him for many things but most of all I really hate him for doing this to you."

My tears kept falling and Jake hesitantly came closer to me. "I'm sorry" he repeated, "I shouldn't have done that."

I was sobbing and he put his arms around me like he used to and I cried into his chest as he stroked my back. My feet were cold now and I really wanted to leave the beach, get in my truck and drive back to the relative safety of my home. My tears eventually stopped and Jake released me, apologising again.

"Can we please just go home?" I asked and he nodded. We walked away up the beach towards where we'd left my truck and put our shoes back on without words. "Can you apologise to Sam and Emily for me?" I asked and Jacob nodded again.

"I am sorry Bella," his head was bowed, tying up his laces, "I was wrong to push myself onto you like that. I didn't listen to you"

"It's okay Jake"

"It's not, I've made everything worse" he sighed

I stood up and looked towards the sea, so calm and peaceful. "We'll be okay. Just give me some space and some time and it'll all be okay"

He nodded and I wandered towards my truck. Jake ran up behind me and I quickly tossed him my keys to show him that we would be okay. He was still my best friend, he always would be. He smiled quickly and sprinted too fast to the door. When I got my door closed Jake was trying to turn the key in the ignition with concern on his face. "What's wrong, you haven't broken him already have you?" I asked.

"I don't know" he looked puzzled and jumped out of the cab. I lost sight as he opened the bonnet so I went round to the front to see what had happened. "I don't understand" Jake said, confused.

I began to ask what was wrong but then I saw very clearly for myself. I could see the concrete of the car park through a rather large gap, a gap that had once been the home of the engine of the truck. I was completely lost for words, how did my engine just disappear? We could see the truck the whole time when we were on the beach. My mind was running through all of the possibilities. I knew we must've had one to come here, a certainty unless my car was suddenly magic. I highly doubted that.

Jake just looked at me with the strangest expression of utter bewilderment and a slight hint of humour. Then he suddenly stiffened and froze, his eyes hardened immediately and he stared at me. I backed away from him, unsure of what was wrong to generate that reaction. I was half wondering if I was to blame when he grabbed my hand forcefully and pulled me towards him.

"Vampire" he growled.

So, there it is. Please, all opinions would be great and I will be updating soon, I know what's going to happen and it's half written - so we're halfway there!

Thank you, Ciao!