A/N: Hello there! Short authors note this week! Thanks for the continued support and reviews that make writing this worthwhile. I hope you enjoy this week! Tell me what you think of the boys' backgrounds! Logan's is next week ;P
**Make sure to check out Past The Sorrow by waterwicca. AN AMAZINGLY BREATHTAKING story if I do say so myself. And make sure to check out stories by tawniee, gleechild and christinainwonderland!
Chapter Ten: Love is a Four Letter Word
"W-what do you mean? What do you mean he's moving into the vacant house next door?" Kendall asked, his words barely escaping his tight, dry throat. His heart beat faster and faster, his entire body boiling with not anger, but concern. "That house wasn't even for sale?" he breathed out.
Stella.
"Katie, breakfast!" Kim called from the kitchen, going back to the counter to set salt and pepper in front of her son. Katie could be heard shutting of the television from whatever cartoon, or poker tournament she was watching and scurrying into the kitchen.
"M-ma," Kendall stumbled again, his hands clutching the white kitchen table with a tight grip as Katie slid into the seat across from him. She looked at her brother, gripping the table, his face twisted into a sick, betrayed expression and gave him an odd look.
"What's up with you Big Brother?" she asked with a small chuckle, immediately picking up her fork and going for her mother's special scrambled eggs. Kim placed the salt and pepper in front of her children, shuffling back to the fridge to fill two glasses with orange juice.
"Sweetie, Mr. Hughes is a billionaire, and he wants to be close to his sister and her family. The house next door has been vacant for a year, so he bought the house from the state and the parcel of land behind it," she said with ease, pouring the sunny liquid into each tall glass. "He wants a nice big backyard for his future family, and he's finally going to get that pesky forest down," she said with a smile, setting a glass of orange juice in front him, and kissing his blonde hair like he was a little boy.
Kendall's heart dropped even further into his lower stomach.
With the house gone, Stella could've always stayed in the forest in her cabin.
Not anymore.
Kendall's gaze was stuck on his plate of food, his insides shaking, his grip on the table unwavering as Katie stared him down.
"Kendall, what's wrong with you?" Katie asked confusedly, swallowing a gulp of her breakfast. Kendall looked at the plate in front of him, unable to even process anything that was happening.
His entire body went numb, his heart racing, his head in a jumble. He had left Stella. He had abandoned her and now, her future was uncertain. His heart ached at the fact that she wasn't going to sleep somewhere warm anymore. His toes curled at the fact that she could be sent off to another orphanage, where she would be hit. His breaths hitched at the fact that she'd have to be alone again, with no one to protect her.
This couldn't be happening.
Kendall closed his eyes tightly, the image of a lonely, cold, and terrified Stella, walking through the icy snow, her blonde hair fallen on her shoulders, eyes watery and cheeks pink, trying to find somewhere warm to sleep. His grip got even tighter on the table, his eyes watery as both Katie and Kim looked at Kendall with wide eyes, as his own green eyes fluttered open.
"I'm—I'm-not, h-hungry," Kendall mumbled out miserably, angrily getting up from the table his chair pushed out with power, the salt in the middle of the table falling down due to the force.
"Sweetheart, w-" Kim started to say, but before she could get a word out, Kendall's thunderous and ominous footsteps headed quickly upstairs, both Knight women giving each other concerned, confused looks.
"Mijo! Get up!" Marta Garcia called from the hallway, holding a basket of laundry, using one free hand to knock on the wood door of her son's room. She had been trying to wake her son up for almost fifteen minutes, and yet he still hadn't retreated from his room.
"It's not even 10:00 yet!" Carlos groaned muffled from inside, taking his white pillow, and using it to sandwich his head between it and the bed. Carlos pulled his blue and white comforter over his head, creating a small, protective little nestle he had been so accustomed to, blocking out his hearing. He would always do this when he was little and his parents were fighting, which was nearly every day.
"You have chores to do, Carlos. And I have to go to work in twenty minutes," Marta said through the door with a sigh. Carlos let out a loud groan and Marta had enough.
"I'm coming in," she said with her motherly tone of voice as she turned the door knob and entered her son's room.
Carlos was NOT a clean boy.
There were clothes astrew all over the dark blue carpet, and the light blue walls were littered with scratches, bumps and dents from all of his roughhousing over the years, whether it was playing hockey or ridiculous antics. Marta remembered one time the boys had decided to skate while doing handstands up here, and it had ended with fifteen stitches in Carlos' chin, an exhausting night at the hospital.
On the walls hung Minnesota Wild posters, a few random pictures of him and the boys and random posters of rock bands her son listened to. Marta couldn't help but smile at the barely moving mass that was her son under his comforter.
"Come on, Carlos. Get up! I just need you to do some things around the casa for me," she said in a guilt tripped tone of voice. Marta put the laundry basket down on the chest at the end of his bed, and came over to the left side. Carlos stirred a bit under the blankets, not responding to her as she sat down with a sigh on the bed, making sure not to wrinkle the clothes she had on for work, a pink top and a black pencil skirt.
"Come on, mijito. I need your help," Marta spoke softly and from the heart, as she rested her hand on Carlos' form comfortingly. She heard a sigh from the teenager, as he rolled over animatedly and locked eyes with his gorgeous, brown eyed mother. He gave her a small, bright smile.
Carlos couldn't help but feel bad for his mother. Marta Martinez was a strong, dignified, independent woman, long before Carlos had even arrived. Growing up as the only child of Cuban, doctor parents in Miami, Marta successfully strove on throughout high school, graduating in the top ten of her class, and going off to the University of Wisconsin on a full scholarship. It was then where she had met and fell for Pedro "Peter" Garcia, a rookie cop in the Madison County Police Department. It was love at first sight.
While an eight year age difference didn't bother nineteen year old Marta, and twenty seven year old Peter, it seemed to agitate Marta's parents, so instead of going back to Miami after finishing up at Wisconsin with her studies in bio-chemical engineering, as if on a whim, Peter promised her a fulfilling life in Minnesota, where he had recently accepted a job as a lieutenant of the Duluth Police Department.
After two years of trying to find a successful job in her specific field, Marta gave up all hope. Her and Peter both realized they wanted children long ago, and with his all over the place hours that were constantly changing, it was then Marta decided that with her husband's salary being enough that she had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom.
Just four years after they were married, Marta and Peter welcomed a son, Carlos Antonio Martinez Garcia, named after Marta and Peters' fathers respectively.
However, when Carlos was around seven, he noticed a change in his family's dynamic. His parents barely spoke, and when they did speak they were yelling. Carlos hadn't seen the babysitter, Adriana, in the longest time since she wasn't needed, Marta and Peter barely ever going out on dates anymore. There would be nights when Carlos would wait by the window of his room, just praying that his father would pull up in the driveway, and that he wouldn't miss another night home. Peter had always arrived home from work just in time to tuck little Carlos in, and tell him some story about how the criminal was caught in the end at work.
The small boy cried himself to sleep in his mother's arms many a nights when the man he had admired most would work longer hours, just to get away from the stress of his family, his wife and his home life. Pedro Garcia adored his son, and would do anything in the world for the boy who he loved unconditionally, but when Carlos was twelve, after five years of fights, tears, lies and lack of love, Marta and Peter sat the boy down at a normal, silent, family dinner, and dropped the d-word.
Divorce.
Carlos took it horribly at first, yelling at both of his parents until he was blue in face, before collapsing in his father's arms crying, wondering why. While Peter and Marta were alright with each other, they just weren't in love anymore. They assured Carlos that no matter what happened, that they would always remain a family, and that he would always come first in their lives.
However as time went on, Marta and Peter began to disagree more and more when it came to raising Carlos, with the boy being shipped off to the new apartment his dad rented just a few towns over for visits every so often, and then back to his home. With Carlos still so young and Peter's job having such confusing, unset hours, a judge had decided it would be better to have Marta keep custody of Carlos, Peter visiting whenever possible, much to the discontent of his father.
Although as time went on, Peter and Marta couldn't bear to be in the same room together. Their relationship had gone from bad, to better, to even worse than before. Everything was a fight, even if it was over the phone. Carlos still made sure to see his father every chance he could get, as Peter tried his best to come to every hockey game or school play the boy was in. Carlos didn't have hatred towards either of his parents for splitting up, but it had affected the boy in ways one could only imagine. Ways Carlos didn't understand until now.
Neither of his parents had remarried since the divorce, and he knew his mom was doing her best to stay strong in front of him, having a string of odd jobs along with child support from Peter to keep a roof over her small family's head. He truly admired her for it, and he understood the reason behind his parent's split, but it had messed with his mind a bit.
"The usual chores?" Carlos asked his mom with a half smile and sigh, running his hand through his short, messy hair. Marta smiled and nodded, leaning down to kiss his forehead.
"Yes. And I need you to unload the dishwasher as well," she said. Carlos scratched the back of his neck with a confused look, sighing as if something was on his mind. It then hit him. Kendall. Carlos eagerly scuffled beneath the sheets for his cell phone as Marta looked on curious. He flipped it open eagerly, seeing no new text messages and his heart dropped a bit. He stared at this phone sighing for a second, and then throwing it down beside him disappointed.
"Everything okay?" she asked Carlos a bit confused and worried at how fast his smile dissipated off his face. Carlos swallowed hard and looked up at his mother's tired, aged, beautiful face.
"Yeah. Everything is fine, mom," Carlos said softly.
James, Carlos and Logan all met at the corner of Hunter Street, Kendall's house just down the block on adjacent Granger Lane. All three boys came from different angles, and all looked at each other with the same upset face on as they neared closer in the cold, harsh winter wind. There was that cloud looming over them again.
"Hey," Carlos softly and shyly bid James and Logan, as they acknowledged each other with merely a head nod. They had all seen Kendall's reaction yesterday. And they knew that it was back. The anger. The nightmares. The insanity.
Kendall's reaction to his father's accident had been painful for all three boys to watch.
It had been a long, agonizing month since Mr. Knight's car accident, the wake and the funeral, and Kendall was doing horribly. He had been cooped up in his room basically since the funeral, refusing to accept that his father was really gone. He would sit in bed, the covers over his head crying his eyes out, or talking up to the sky, asking his father why he had left him. Kendall barely ate or spoke to anyone. It was as if Mrs. Knight didn't have enough to worry about with Katie, and her own personal grief.
He had snapped at his mother nearly every day when she tried to unsuccessfully talk to him, he had yelled at Katie so harshly it had given her nightmares, and he had wrecked his room numerous times, cleaning it spotless in a barrage of tears afterwards to pass the time. He refused to go to school, he refused to step outside.
Kendall was going mad.
Finally, after much persuasion and a bit of tough love, Kim had coaxed her son to spend the night at James' house, where the three other boys were having their usual monthly slumber party. Kendall needed his friends, and as much as he wanted to stay in his room and be miserable, he knew it was true.
It had helped him tenfold. As soon as he was in the company of his friends, it seemed like everything was alright. His best friends did wonders.
The boys had set down their sleeping bags in James' basement, complete with a flat screen TV and refrigerator, an absolute heaven for the boys' midnight snack cravings, especially Carlos. Except this particular night, Carlos wasn't his usually self. When the boys played their customary round of midnight hockey, like they weren't supposed to but did anyway, he had barely checked any of the boys into the plush couches of James' basement, letting them pass, hitting his stick on the carpet in frustration. Heck, even Kendall, who was laughing a bit for the first time in weeks noticed Carlos' gloomy demeanor. He wasn't his usual self. No smile on his face, no pep in his step.
Something was wrong.
The boys were sitting in their usual circle formation with a bag of Doritos and Pepsi in the middle, all taking small crunches and laughing, the only light from the TV behind them.
"So what about Sarah Stiles?" Logan asked with wide brown eyes, crunching on a chip.
"We didn't have sex, we just kinda fooled around," James said casually, as if every fifteen year old boy was as sexually experienced as he was. Kendall let out a small chuckle and crunched a chip, as Logan sighed.
"Her house?" Kendall asked curiously. James nodded no with wide eyes.
"Sarah's dad is like 6'4'' and he's some burly football player for Minnesota's Minor league team, or something like that," James said, obviously not showing any true interest in Sarah's life.
Logan pondered the thought. He'd never ever chance something like that in his parents' house.
"Your parents go away again?" Logan asked with knowing eyes. James chuckled and ran his hands through his hair.
"Actually no. My parents were downstairs watching a movie, and me and Sarah were "studying" up in my room," James chuckled. Logan looked at James with definitive eyebrows and a bit of a scoff.
"Oh, so you guys just hooked up?" Logan asked non-chalantly, feeling like an equal for a split second.
Logan had only made out with one girl, Janie Goss, a girl who had a huge crush on him, when she had practically attacked Logan's lips at a party the four friends had shown up at a few months ago. Of course, honest Logan had barely gotten a lie out to his strict parents and said they were going to James' house. However the four had already previously decided to go to Joey Greg's party down the block from the Diamond household.
The boys had stayed there for all of ten minutes before realizing it was NOT their type of scene, but in that time, Janie had managed to drag Logan into a back room and hook up with him, her breath reeking of alcohol. While Logan would've loved to erase the event from his mind, even though it wasn't SO terrible, he couldn't…it was the only track record he had with a girl, and he had to have something to look back on.
James chuckled. "I said fooled around for a reason, Logie," James said defiantly with an eyebrow cock. Logan looked at him surprised. "I got down her pants, and under her bra," James said proudly, crunching on a chip with a smirk.
Logan rolled his eyes, his brain scrambling. How could James' parents be so oblivious to their sons' sexual deviancy?
It was then the three boys' noticed usually curious and enthusiastic Carlos had barely said a word during this whole conversation, and for most of the night. He sat on his sleeping bag, looking down at his fingers miserably.
"Carlos, what's wrong? Why are you so quiet?" Logan asked, as the boys all leaned on their forearms looking at each other quizzically.
Carlos swallowed hard and looked down at his fingers. He had overheard his mother crying in the bathroom on the phone with his father. He could hear how the two were fighting…over him…AGAIN. Carlos knew that his life was the most important thing to both of his parents, but both of them thought they knew what was best for the teenager, and frankly, he couldn't take his father's anger at his mother anymore. She hadn't done anything wrong. It was the first time Carlos had ever been truly fuming at his father.
"Everything," Carlos said softly, looking down in the darkness at his pillow. All were silent.
"Why, what's wrong?" Logan asked gently, in a cracked voice. Carlos sighed deeply, holding back sobs the best he could.
"I got into a fight with my dad," Carlos said dryly and obviously upset. Kendall's head perked up to the use of the word 'dad', something he wouldn't be able to use again. His heart beat faster, smile sagging. Dad.
"What'd you fight about?" James asked leisurely, swinging his feet in the air behind him, crunching on a Dorito and pouring more Pepsi in his glass. No one knew how James' ate so bad, but yet had the body of a Greek God. It had to be the countless hours he spent at the rink.
"He tells me things about my mom that I just can't handle," he spoke softly. "Like how he never loved her, and how, how, the only reason they got married was because there was nothing else for them to do, and that the only reason they had me was so they could stay together, and-and I hate it," Carlos breathed out, heavily his anger getting the best of him. "I hate it. It's like he blames my mother for everything, and I-I can't take it anymore!" he said angrily, his fists shaking. "He put her through so much, with all his lies, and him yelling at her, and screaming at her, and I hate it! I hate him!" Carlos cried angrily, his voice getting louder and sterner, each word filled with more and more venom. Carlos' breath hitched loudly, and the boys all stared at each other.
Silence. Awkwardness.
Everything had been going so swell and normal, until then.
"At least you have a father to be mad at," Kendall muttered out in the darkness, his voice cutting the tension with a knife. Carlos looked at Kendall, whose face was still and sullen, illuminated by the television. Carlos hadn't even thought that Kendall might feel awkward with Carlos bringing up his father. Everything had been so surprisingly normal, the boys maybe thought that Kendall just needed to get out of the house for a bit, and that's why he was getting so angry.
"I'm sorry Kendall, I-I," he stumbled out, the blondes face illuminated from the TV, making his dark furrowed eyebrows and frown all that much scarier. Kendall stood up, his fists at his side tightly, his face getting hot, his blood boiling, his heart racing. How could his friend be so ungrateful? He knew what was coming. It had happened so many times towards his mother and sister the past month, but he had never thought that he would lash out at his friends.
Kendall had no control.
"You're lucky you even have a father to hate, Carlos," Kendall said meanly. Carlos swallowed hard and nodded, trying to smooth things over.
"I know, I know I am, I just, he's inconsiderate sometimes, that's all I'm saying," he said, his voice shaking.
"Well, my father is dead, buried in the fucking ground, and I can't do a goddamn thing about it! Give him some slack, he is just a person!" Kendall said hoarsely, pointing his finger in the distressed, upset Latino's face as James' stood up, playing peacemaker.
"Easy, buddy," James said a bit frightened, holding his hands out to Kendall, who smacked them away, shoving the approaching James' back.
"No! Just cause Carlos' is being ungrateful doesn't mean I'm not allowed to call him out on it. You are all lucky you have fathers, alright? I don't! My father is dead! He's GONE! And he's NEVER coming back, so how DARE any of you ever say that you can't stand your own dad's cause once their gone, they never come back!" he yelled angrily at the three boys. "MY FATHER IS GONE! FOREVER! I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN!" Kendall screamed, his voice breaking with tears, as all three boys stood there in awe watching. Kendall angrily kicked James' father's old television next to him, it crashing violently on its side as all three boys looked at the monster he had turned into in the matter of seconds.
Kendall Knight had cracked.
Kendall looked at his friends, surprised at his outburst, breathing heavily as he then looked at the fallen television. Warm tears fell down his cheeks as he fell to his knees, his hands shaking as he tried to fix it, swallowing hard.
"I-I'm sorry J-James," Kendall said shakily, trying his best to fix the now broken and useless television. His face begun to be engulfed in tears, as his body began to shake with sobs.
"I-I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to," Kendall said weakly, feebly trying to refasten the knobs and antennae desperately like it was some black ops mission. Kendall dropped his hands from the stereo onto his lap exasperated, softly sobbing as the three boys arose from their sleeping bags, going to comfort their crying friend.
"It's okay, Kendall," James' spoke gently, touching his friend's forearm, trying his best to not be afraid. Kendall nodded and sobbed, running his hands through his hair in desperation. His face shot up and he looked at Carlos who had wasted no time in squeezing the boy's shoulder gently.
"I-I'm sorry, Carlos. I-I didn't m-mean to yell at you, I'm s-sorry," Kendall stuttered out. Carlos smiled at his friend gently, understanding his pain.
"It's alright, dude. Don't worry about it. You're right. I should appreciate my dad more," he said softly as Logan rested a hand on Kendall's, both boys catching each other's eyes. Kendall looked up at Logan for all the answers he needed, trying his hardest to understand. He always went to Logan for answers to things he just couldn't understand. Logan always had answers.
"Why am I getting so angry, Logan? What's wrong with me?" Kendall asked him desperately, his eyes wide and innocent. Logan swallowed hard and shook his head confused.
No answers this time.
"I-I don't know, Kendall," Logan whispered out softly. Kendall shook his head even more disappointed as Logan rested a hand on the boy's knee.
"It's alright, man. It's gonna be okay, we're here for you, always," he said softly. Kendall looked up at his friends with wide, teary and helpless eyes.
This was only the beginning.
James, Carlos and Logan were silent as they made the usual walk down the street, passing Mrs. Porter's pink and white house, the side court that Robbie Freeman lived on, and the huge maple tree Carlos' had gotten stuck in the summer of third grade before they stopped in front of the white house with the dark green shutters the boys had called home.
Logan looked at the driveway and saw that Mrs. Knight's minivan was there, but Kendall's dark blue Chevy was nowhere to be seen. Logan sighed and looked at James and Carlos questioningly, all three boys still remaining silent.
Logan led the trio up the icy pathway of the Knight's house, wondering if Kendall was even home. He stood on the stoop and took his hand, gently knocking on the door, awaiting an answer. He heard Mrs. Knight's worried, shaky voice, and Logan instantly knew something was wrong.
He knew a mother concerned.
Mrs. Knight opened the door, her eyes watery, and a frown on her aged, tired face, bundled up in a sweat suit. Her eyes tried to shine up when she saw the three boys there, who all gave her a small smile and wave as Logan smiled.
"Hi, Mrs. Knight. Is…Kendall home?" he asked her, bracing for impact. The boys didn't know if Kendall had told Mrs. Knight of their fight, but he didn't suspect it due to the friendly look on her face, and the fact that Logan was sure that Kendall wouldn't tell his mother he fell in love over vacation.
Kim looked down with a sigh and then back at up at the boys. After storming away from the breakfast table leaving both Katie and Kim at a loss for words, they had decided the boy needed his time alone and didn't disturb him. Maybe he was just having a bad morning. However that wasn't the case.
It never was just a "bad morning" with Kendall.
Katie had been doing some of her math homework she had been assigned over the school break in her room, with her music on a bit loudly. Kendall, who was in the room next to her's, was trying to wallow in his own pity. He was trying to finish up the three page love-letter he had finally written Stella, after seven drafts. His hand shakily wrote, forgetting his neat penmanship, as he didn't have much time before the post office closed, but he couldn't concentrate. Not with that loud music.
After nearly messing up, and having to start a whole new sheet of loose leaf, Kendall had enough of the teenage boy band lyrics. He threw the paper down on his bed along with his pen and angrily thumped across the room like some sort of monster. He went into the green hallway, and stomped to Katie's room, which had the door wide open. The little girl sat at her white desk in her purple room, doing her math with one of those awesome, fuzzy pens.
"Turn your music off. I'm doing something important and can't concentrate," Kendall said annoyed, Katie not even bothering to turn around.
"Well, then put your own ear phones in stupid," Katie joked carelessly, continuing dividing her fractions. Kendall swallowed hard and walked more into her room, going over to the iHome and shutting it off. Katie turned her head to him with a disturbed face.
"You can't do that. Put it back on," Katie whined as Kendall began to walk out. The girl wasted no time in turning the music back on, as Kendall stopped in his tracks. She went back to her math as he angrily turned around on one foot and harshly pressed the 'off' button again.
"Keep it off," Kendall spoke loud, clear and angry.
"It's my room, just get out and leave me alone," Katie said menacingly, turning it back on.
"Turn the music off."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Katie turn the fucking music off!"
"Stop yelling at me!"
Crash.With one powerful swat, Kendall had hit the girl's beloved iHome and iPod down to the floor with a crash, the iPod landing on the hardwood floor with a deafening crack. Kendall's breaths were heavy, and his eyes wide at what he had done as Katie looked down at the mess her brother had made. She looked back up at him with heavy brown eyes, a bit watery as she swallowed hard.
"Look at what you did!" Katie cried, her voice weakening with unexpected tears as Kendall stared down, horrified at his actions. He knelt on his knees, immediately feeling remorse and shakily tried to fix his sister's iHome.
"I'm-I'm sorry, Baby Sister. I d-didn't mean it—" he tried to say, Katie's eyes leaking tears as she got up out of her chair and looked towards Kendall in awe. He looked up at her and tried to reach out for a hug.
"D-don't touch me," she croaked out nervously, her voice weak. Kendall swallowed hard as Katie flinched away from him, terrified. That's what set Kendall off. His own Baby Sister was afraid of him.
"I'm sorry, Katie. I'll fix this I promise," he said softly and remorsefully, looking in her eyes as he reached out a hand to her arm.
"Don't touch me!" she cried out miserably, backing away from the monster Kendall had become. "J-just get away from me," she cried helplessly, going straight for the door to tell her mother. Kendall sat on the floor of his little sister's room, breath heavy, fists clenched, and tears coming to his eyes, his heart heavy, mind spinning in infinite directions.
It was back.
And it was worse.
Kim stood there, replaying the morning's events in her head, looking at the faces of the teens in front of her. They definitely knew something was up. After wrecking Katie's room, Kendall had angrily pocketed his keys and wallet, and stormed out the door. There was no question to where he was going.
"No," she said softly, looking up at James, Carlos and Logan with a heart wrenched, tired stare.
"He's at the cemetery."
"Cemeteries creep me out," James said, checking his mirrors before making the left onto Hillside Turnpike. Logan sat shotgun, Carlos in the back, looking down at his fingers and fidgeting in his seat as James made the turn and straightened out the wheel.
"I know, but don't say anything stupid in front of Kendall, please? You know how you have a knack of doing it," Logan begged sighing, looking out the window. The drive from Duluth to the cemetery two towns over was only a mere twenty minutes, so as soon as the boys left the Knight's house, they immediately walked back to James' and hopped in his car, no question as to where they were going.
"What if he doesn't want us there?" Carlos asked from the back, his eyes going to the strips of cemeteries they passed on the turnpike. James sighed, his eyes scanning the horribly familiar gates of Kingston Memorial Cemetery, black and iron wrought, making the entrance look like death."Well we're going either way. Kendall needs us," James said, checking his rearview and side mirrors one last time before making a right into the cemetery, his blinker clicking in time with the rattling of the windows on his old '94 Honda Accord.
As soon at the boys entered the cemetery, their eyes went to the windows of the car, looking out at the ominous snow covered trees that hung over certain gravesites. Some headstones were bigger than others, some monumental, some just plaques with flowers on them. James made a sharp left, going down a long, winding path. The same long, winding path they had been driven down since the funeral. They hadn't been here since the funeral, but they knew Kendall had come here at least once a week immediately following the accident.
Logan couldn't even imagine losing his father so suddenly. It scared him.
As they drove down, they saw a dark blue Chevy parked half off the road in the distance. Kendall's car.
"He's right there," Carlos muttered silently to James, tilting his chin in the direction where he saw a boy in the distance, the only one in the cemetery at the time, sitting in front of a gravestone. Carlos' hands gripped the two headrests of Logan and James' seats as James swiftly pulled behind Kendall's car, putting it in park, and sitting back. He turned the car off, and looked at Logan, and then Carlos with a confused face on.
"You boys ready?" he asked them, darting from their eyes. Logan nodded as did Carlos as they all exited the car, closing the doors behind them gently. They looked in the distance, the ground still snowy as they saw Kendall sitting cross legged in front of his father's tomb stone. He was about two-hundred feet away, his back to them as they started their descent.
Carlos clutched his brown scarf to his chest, James sticking his hands in his pockets as their boots crunched on the still partly powdery snow. As they made their way to their fallen friend, they noticed something.
They heard something.
Kendall…was singing?
"A long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last. I can't remember the last thing you said as you were leavin'…now the days go by so fast," he sang broken and in a whisper, his voice a bit weak, but absolutely beautiful.
Logan, Carlos and James looked at each other in awe, not believing the beautiful voice that radiated from Kendall's throat, through his pursed pink lips and into the cold sang softly. Kendall reached out and touched the granite of his father's headstone, his voice in a broken whisper.
"And it's one more day up in the canyons, and it's one more night in Hollywood. If you think that I could be forgiven,"
"I wish you would."The three boys, just feet behind Kendall didn't want to startle him. They waited until Kendall had definitely finished singing, and James' cleared his throat loudly, breaking the awkward silence.
Kendall whipped his head around startled, his face confused, as he saw his three best friends standing there. His heart dropped, and swelled with joy at the same time. His face immediately turned red, knowing that his friends had heard him signing from the bottom of his heart, his voice shaky, and throat dry. His friends didn't know he had a voice.
"We…we didn't mean to interrupt, Kendall," James said softly, his eyes shining with concern for the boy in front of him. Logan and Carlos nodded as they moved a bit closer to him, Kendall nodding at them, and then turning back around to face his father's gravestone.
Carlos, James and Logan all nodded to each other, signifying Kendall's nod as a peace treaty. They each took their seats beside the boy, not even caring that their jeans would get soaked.
There was silence as all four boys stared up at the tombstone in front of them. Kristopher Knight had died many years too young.
"What were you singing?" Carlos asked cautiously, making sure not set Kendall off. He sighed and looked at the boy with a small smile. He felt comforted that his friends were here. He had wanted to talk to them since their fight at the rink the previous day, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He was afraid.
Afraid he'd lash out on them again.
"A Long December by the Counting Crows," Kendall said with a small chuckle and smile, embarrassed a bit. He looked back at the tombstone and touched the snow covered fake flowers that had been set there by someone he did not know. "It was one of my dad's favorite songs. We used to sing it together," he said softly.
Logan who sat next to Kendall on his other side smiled.
"I didn't know you could sing, Kendall. You have a beautiful voice," Logan said smiling. Kendall looked at him with a wide smile, something Logan hadn't truly seen in a long time from the boy.
"Really? You think so?" he asked as if the statement was ludicrous. James, the one with the face, voice, and dreams of Hollywood nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, dude. You're almost as good as I am," he said with a small chuckled of laughter. Kendall smiled and sighed deeply, looking back at his father's tomb, shaking his head.
"My dad taught me how to play guitar, and how to sing. He was the only one who knew I had a voice," he said softly. All the boys listened intently. "Right before he died, he wanted me to perform at some party he was having for his office, and I-I didn't want to. I have-such horrible stage fright, and my dad always tried to push me to be the best I could be. I never sang at that office party. And a week later, he died," Kendall said, swallowing hard.
Carlos put a hand on his shoulder smiled. "Well you have a beautiful voice, Kendall. You shouldn't keep it hidden," he said gently, smiling at just the thought of it. Kendall shrugged and was silent, the three boys deciding that they should drop the topic.
Silence.
Kendall looked at his friends and sighed, chuckling a bit.
"So, uh. My anger problem has bared its ugly head again," he said chuckling, playing with the snow in front of the tombstone. Logan, Carlos and James all looked at each other with a small smile, knowing that they were with the real Kendall. They knew Kendall would be nothing but honest and himself in front of his father.
"It's alright, man. We understand," James said with chuckle. Logan and Carlos nodded in agreement as Kendall looked both ways at his friends and sighed.
"My mom wants me to start therapy, so I guess I'll uh—be a mental case pretty soon," he laughed lightly. Logan chuckled and nodded his head no, putting a hand on Kendall's shoulder.
"All types of people go to therapy, Kendall. It doesn't mean they're crazy," Logan said logically, telling his friend the truth. Carlos nodded in agreement.
"My mom went to therapy after the divorce. I even went with her once. It wasn't that bad," he chimed in, remembering how he had gotten a lollipop and a plush stuffed animal the one time had gone with Marta. Kendall nodded and sighed, looking up to the sky, puffing air out between his lips.
"I know. It's just weird. But I guess it's good that I get some help," he said bluntly. Logan looked at Kendall with a proud smirk. Something had changed in him since seeing him last. He seemed more mature, mellower but in a good way. He had definitely grown up over the vacation.
Silence.
"So, why don't you tell us about…Stella?" James asked curiously, making sure to get her name right. Kendall looked at James' surprised, wondering if it was some sort of joke, but saw the sincerity in James' eyes. Stella was the whole entire reason for the boys' fight, and for Kendall's anger.
"Really?" he asked James, his eyes going to Logan and Carlos who were both nodding eagerly. Kendall swallowed hard, his heart beating faster as a flush came to his cheeks. Finally, he could be honest about her to someone. Finally his best friends were on his side.
"Well, we met on the balcony of the Tregger's house. I was crying about my father, because something was said, I don't really remember," Kendall said furrowing his eyebrows at the useless information, "but, she was there to talk to me, and calm me down," he said with a goofy smile on his face. The boys chuckled a bit and Carlos was confused.
"She was just randomly…chillin on the rooftop?" he asked with a scrunched up face. Kendall nodded at him.
"Well, what does she look like?" James asked, being typical James. Kendall took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to get the image of the beautiful blonde in his mind perfectly. She returned to him instantly.
"She has beautiful, wavy cornflower blonde hair and big, bright blue eyes. Long eyelashes, a cute button nose, a freckly face, and the supplest pink lips," Kendall said with a deep sigh, the image of Stella near making him shiver as his green eyes opened.
"Damn," James said like a horndog. "Sounds s-"
"She sounds gorgeous," Logan interrupted, giving James him a stern, "watch your words" look, with which James shot his tongue out at Logan. Kendall chuckled.
"Sexy? Yes. Very," Kendall joked lightly. James smiled and Logan sighed deeply, as Carlos chuckled.
"Well, why was she on the roof in the first place?" Carlos asked, still confused. Kendall swallowed hard, fidgeting with his fingers, and scratching the back of his neck.
"Stargazing. She loves the stars," Kendall whispered out smiling, each memory of Stella and retelling her tale making him wish that much more that she was with him, and that she was still in that house. Logan smiled and laughed.
"And her name is Stella? Ha. That's so convenient," the smart boy pointed out, amused by his own observation. Kendall shot him a large smile, his green eyes excited that the boy had picked it up and seemed interested.
"So, is she a friend of the Tregger's? A neighbor or something?" James asked curiously, brushing some snow from his coat. Kendall looked at him, then at Carlos and then at Logan. Sure, they were being supportive now, but when Kendall told them she was a runaway, maybe it wouldn't sit so well with them. Would Logan tell him the statistics of runaway girls? Would James think she is dirty? Would Carlos think she was a fathom of Kendall's imagination?
Kendall sighed deeply, looking down, and then looking back at his friends.
"She's a runaway."
After the initial shock of telling the boys about Stella had worn off, they listened intently, their eyes locked on the boys. Kendall told them all about how he met her, what they had talked about, and how they had kissed that first night on the deck. The boys were intrigued that Stella had capture Kendall's heart so quickly, but they could tell by the way he talked about her, that he was so taken by her. He didn't address the fact she was a runaway again. Not yet at least.
Kendall spoke her name passionately, making sure to draw out every syllable of any words pertaining to her, "b-e-a-utiful", "paaaahsionate", "ahhhhmaaaaaazing". She deserved it. The boys could tell.
"She just has something about her. The way she moves, the way she talks. She's always so clever and witty, and she lets her mind wander. If she wants to say something, she says it. If she wants to do something, she does it," Kendall said. "She is not like other girls."
"She doesn't sound like it," Carlos said smiling. Kendall nodded and chuckled.
He told them about Christmas Eve, how she was Kacey for the family, and how she worked at the General Store. He told them about the cabin, and how things had come so naturally when it had come to having sex with her.
"I mean, I-I know I only knew her for three days, but, it just felt…right. I wasn't nervous or anything like that," Kendall said softly, as James looked at him surprised.
"Wow, good for you. I was nervous my first time," James said, totally leveling himself down below Kendall. Logan chuckled and looked back at Kendall with a smile.
"Was it any good?" he asked. Kendall looked taken aback by Logan's question, expecting it from Carlos or something. Kendall looked down a bit embarrassed, a large smirk on his face before connecting eyes with Logan again.
"It was…" he muttered out chuckling, just thinking of how in that moment, Stella had forgone the use of his last name, and told him that she loved him. Finally. "It was one of the greatest moments of my life," he said eyes wide, a bit surprised at his words. It was true.
"Wow. Even better than when we beat Mayville for the state championship freshmen year?" Carlos asked with wide eyes, as if he couldn't believe anything would feel better that that.
Kendall pondered the thought for a second. The sex had indeed been amazing. Not that Kendall had a lot to compare it too, rather than his own hand, but he had never felt so at ease, pleasure filled and so calm in all his lifetime. But there was so much more than the gratification. Having that physical connection with Stella, where the emotional connection had been so imminent from the start was absolutely necessary. It was less of how Kendall physically felt inside of Stella, and more of the emotional desire to be in completely harmony with her personality, and body.
"You know how they always say sex is supposed to be absolutely like a hundred times better than jerking off?" Kendall asked his friends bluntly, in a soft voice, hence his father's presence. The boys nodded, James vigorously of course.
"It's basically the same feeling, but…when you are with someone you really l-love," Kendall said stumbling on the word. He looked to see if his friends' faces' had dropped, and they remained unmoved, which made Kendall smile. He took a deep breath. "When you are with someone you really love, it's so…amazing to be one person with them, and to be able to please them so greatly," Kendall said to himself shaking his head near amazed at the fact. He blushed a little, describing such an act of sex like a girl would but he laughed it off.
"I know I probably sound like a chick right now, but…it's true. It's so true."
Kendall looked at his friends who were all encompassed in his description of it, even James. Kendall could even see a bit of jealousy in James' eyes. Sure, he had more experience than Kendall, and had been with more girls, but Kendall's first time was with someone he truly loved, and James hadn't had one time that could come even close.
"You really love her, don't you man?" Logan said softly, the wind whipping through the cemetery as Kendall nodded softly, and a bit sadly.
"I do," he said. He turned to Logan and looked at him. "I really do, Logan." "I love to just look in her eyes, I love to kiss her, I love to hold her and spend time with her, I even sang for her," he said rambling on and on with a smile. "And even though she thinks she doesn't need it, I love to protect her," Kendall finished, subconsciously touching the marks on his face from Alex.
"Is that where you got these fine bruises and busted lip from?" Logan asked, arching his head to check out the almost healed lip, and the bruises on Kendall's face. The blonde nodded, pushing back his bangs and chuckling.
"Well, one of Bryan's idiot friends started talking about her like she was…some kind of dirty, disgusting, slut, and I attacked him," Kendall said a bit proudly, but the other boys looked a bit worried, knowing that again, anger had gotten the best of Kendall.
"Anger getting the best of you?" Logan asked curiously and cautiously. Kendall's face dropped a bit, and he sighed deeply, sadly nodding at his best friends comment. He hung his head a bit, and bit his lip, the image of Stella still in his mind, as a new image of Katie being terrified and running away from him entered his mind.
"It happened today," he muttered out. Logan, Carlos and James looked at each other with small smiles, knowing that finally, their best friend was opening up to them.
"What happened?" James asked gently. Kendall sighed.
"I was angry, and I-I was trying to write a letter to Stella, and Katie had her music too loud, so I went in there and turned it off," he started. "And then, I guess she didn't want it off, and we got into this argument, and I got so mad at her, that I hit her iHome on the floor, and broke her iPod." Kendall swallowed hard, his breath a bit heavy.
"And she was so afraid of me. She wouldn't let me touch her, she flinched away from me. And I felt like—like some sort of monster," Kendall whispered out, Carlos putting a hand on his shoulder, gripping it tightly.
"Well, why did you get angry in the first place?" Carlos asked. Kendall swallowed hard and looked up at the boys. He hadn't really touched much on the fact that Stella was runaway. He had talked about the sex, the love, her beauty, her wit, her charm and everything else good in her life. Not the bad.
"Stella lived in the vacant house next to the Tregger's, and…Jenny's brother is moving into it. She has nowhere to go, and-and it's the dead of winter. She can't stay at the General Store, and-I just, I-I don't know what to do. I don't know where she is going to go, or how she is going to survive," Kendall said, his voice cracking, looking up at his father's tombstone, trying his hardest not to cry.
"Well, what about before the house? Where was she then?" James asked curiously. Kendall sighed.
"She was a hitchhiker basically, and she would wander from town to town in soup kitchens, and—and she was abused in the orphanage she was in," Kendall said, closing his eyes and trailing off in frustration. "I just need to make sure she is alright," he whispered gently.
Kendall swallowed hard and looked up at the sky, closing his beautiful green eyes.
"God, I hope she is alright."
The bus made it hard to write.
The cold, chill of the brisk, painful Minnesota wind coming through the windows made it hard to write.
The fact that it was so cloudy, it was hard to see the stars made it hard to write.
Stella sat curled up in the backseat of the bus she had caught two three hours ago through a barrage of tears that seemed endless. Next to her was a large canvas bag of her belongings, her three or four shirts, jeans, track pants, her sweater, jacket and boots she had worn to Christmas Eve, some dry cereal and water and a few other random items she needed.
Stella wiped her red eyes with one hand, as the bumpy ride began to cease. She looked down at her messy letter to Kendall which she had been trying to write for two hours, messy handwriting with water droplets on cheap loose leaf.
It wasn't even the fact that she had nowhere to live, now that the house had been bought, and the forest behind her, as well as her cabin had been zoned off for wreckage with ugly, orange tape.
Stella wanted nothing more than to kiss Kendall. To tell him she loved him. To make her feel safe again, and confident. To kiss the pain away. To give her the love she never had.
But he wasn't there.
Stella swallowed hard, as the bus came to a complete stop.
She was the only one on it.
Stella looked down at the blue cardigan that was wrapped around her shoulders, her heart beat slowing down with each miserable thought of Kendall's distance from her.
She couldn't do this alone.
She had come so far by herself, and now, she had become dependent on the beautiful love Kendall had offered her. She was crying over him, like he had been crying over his father that night on the deck. She couldn't be that way.
If this was two weeks ago, she would've been alright with being evicted. So what? She needed a new place to stay.
But Kendall Knight had changed everything.
As the bus driver motioned for Stella to get off the bus, he took his hat off, and put it underneath his arm, grabbing his jacket from behind him and slipping it on. Stella sighed deeply, and pretended to gather her things, as the lights in the bus shut off.
She peeped her head out the window to see the burly, bus driver lighting up a cigarette and walking away, not even bothering to check if she got off alright.
Stella's soft whimpers began again, as she wiped her tear soaked face with the sleeve of Kendall's cardigan, and made herself comfortable in the back seat.
The wind whipped through the windows and creeped up Stella's spine, as she wished for nothing more than Kendall's warm, beautiful form to be sleeping next to her. His hands to be touching her. His eyes to be locked on hers.
It was dark.
Stella looked down at the letter she had started, but couldn't see anything. Her heart ached even more. What were the chances she was ever going to mail this? What were the chances that Kendall was ever going to see her again? What were the chances that he wasn't at home right now, thinking about one of the new girls in his school?
What were the chances that something as fucked up as this could ever work out?
Stella closed her eyes tightly, and knew what she had to do. She gently removed the cardigan from her shoulders, the chill creeping up her back as she threw it in a heap next to her on the disgusting, cold, bus seat. She lay down using her canvas bag as a pillow and shut her swollen watery eyes.
She needed to be strong. She needed to be independent.
This is why love had never worked before. She couldn't be loved.
It hadn't worked with Gina and John, or at the orphanage or her parents. Love wasn't in the equation for her. Not in the stars.
Stella went to sleep that night praying.
Not praying to see Kendall.
Not praying to get his letter.
Not praying to find somewhere warmer to sleep tonight.
Stella prayed to God that hopefully when she woke up in the morning, all the wonderful love she felt towards Kendall Knight would be weeded out of her life.
Completely.