Talking in through - Part 2

Marissa's POV as requested by hoshininegaio

(And wasn't todays episode just amazing!)

Dr Stanhope's 4pm appointment was a last minute transfer. Dr Hewlett had to rush to hospital after her son broke his leg. He hadn't left himself much time to read through the case notes. The woman had been seeing Dr Hewlett after an assault, probably a patient from the Miranda Centre. The case history proved surprisingly lengthy. He read through the notes, it was little wonder she was in need of counselling. She had been sold as a baby, lost her parents in a car crash, been shot… He hadn't even gotten to the recent records when his new patient arrived.

She wasn't what he had been expecting; a pretty red head who greeted him with a warm smile, but there was a trace of nervousness behind her eyes.

"How can I help you today…?" began Doctor Stanhope, he flicked back to the front of the file to try and find her name.

"Marissa." she said helpfully. Dr Stanhope looked up in surprise. Was this Bianca's Marissa?

He watched his patient take a seat on the couch. The woman mirrored Bianca's movements almost exactly, taking a moment to settle, before picking up the cushion and hugging it to her, it was probably still warm.

"I think I've fallen in love with my best friend." she said nervously

Now that was an earth shattering revelation. Dr Stanhope tried very hard not to smile…

…

It was hard not to show his excitement as he waited for Marissa to continue.

"I'm in love with a woman and I'm terrified."

"Maybe it would be best to start at the beginning." suggested Doctor Stanhope.

Marissa nodded and pulled the pillow a little closer.

"When I first met Bianca I was so star struck, the daughter of Erica Kane wanted to be my friend! It took me a little while to get used to that. I wouldn't call us close, but she and her sister helped me through some difficult times and our kids were great friends so we chatted at play dates and school functions. It was just a casual friendship. When she asked me to help her with her divorce of course I said yes. I'd just gone through a divorce of my own and I knew how important it was to have people on your side. She didn't think it would be that complicated, but oh it was horrible. Bianca doing everything she could to be fair to Reese and their daughters, and then Reese petitions for full custody of children she hadn't seen for months!"

Marissa sighed.

"That was the time our friendship changed. Case meetings became long lunches or afternoons playing with kids. I just remembering one day we were sharing a slice of chocolate cake and that was it, we were best friends."

Marissa smiled self-consciously,

"I think I was a little in love with her even then. She is just the most amazing woman! We were so close and it felt natural. I guess I had a bit of a crush; it was silly whenever I was with her I just found myself grinning like a fool. I don't think I even realised what I was doing, well not until Bianca won the custody hearing. JR my ex-husband had been doing everything to get me back; he was such a charmer… I kissed him and the first thing I did was run to Bianca. It was only really when I stepped off the plane at St. Bart's, ready to interrupt her mother's wedding no less, that I saw the implications of what I had done. I told myself I was there to tell Bianca about winning the case, but really I just wanted her to console me. I just wanted to be near her. Poor woman was just going through a traumatic divorce and there was I mooning over her like some love sick teenager."

"Was she aware of your feelings." asked Doctor Stanhope.

"I'm not sure; possibly? I was barely aware of them myself... at that point. Well anyway, Bianca's mum disappeared and JR showed up with AJ, my son; right out of the blue. In the end the whole thing sort of became a family vacation with me, JR, AJ, Bianca and the girls. That was when I decided to take a step back. I shouldn't be crushing on my friend just because we were close and it was safe. So I decided to reclassify it. It was a sisterly affection we shared and that was all. I think I handled it better when I looked at it in those terms."

"Were you uncomfortable with the idea of being in love with a woman?"

"Yes and yet I was anything but uncomfortable when I was with Bianca. I'd never felt like that about anyone before, man or woman. I just didn't really know how to face my feelings."

"So you decided to ignore them?

"No. I mean I didn't know what they were, not really. Maybe Bianca did notice. Sometime I think I was a bit too flirty or held her hand for a second too long, and she would stare at me with those big brown eyes of hers… but then the moment passed and we were friends again just doing silly things for the kids. I was probably confusing the hell out of her. It certainly confused the hell out of me."

Marissa pulled nervously at the corner of the cushion on her lap, once more mirroring an action of Bianca's.

"I noticed a difference in her behaviour after we were taken hostage by Ricky Torres and tied up. I was so frightened and Bianca was amazing. She had concussion, she had been attacked, she was terrified and there she was worried about me - and I didn't have a scratch on me! I did all I could to get her out of there. I had the overwhelming need to protect her. Oh my god, it nearly broke my heart when she told me about being raped. I think afterward I was a bit too protective. She started to distance herself, or pull away when I held her hand. I thought it was memories of our ordeal that were upsetting her. But then I realised the reason was me; I realised she was falling for me. Suddenly everything between us became a little awkward. I didn't want to acknowledge any change, so I took another step back. I decided I would give JR a chance to prove himself and hopefully Bianca would see that I just wanted to be her friend."

"And is that what you wanted?"

"At the time, yes. I had convinced myself it was all just a sisterly affection that made us so close. I was making a huge effort not to see what was really there because I was petrified by it. If there was a chance Bianca felt the same… It was very confusing because I didn't know how Bianca felt really, she kept pushing me towards JR and he kept doing all these thoughtful romantic things until I didn't know what I was doing, what I was feeling. I just tried to make everyone happy."

Marissa sighed.

"It didn't really work. JR was so thoughtful and bought me the most amazing gifts. He was a changed man, or so I thought at the time. And yet still I was drawn to Bianca. Still I couldn't stop myself taking her hand, inviting myself on holiday with her. I convinced myself this was perfectly normal behaviour for two best friends."

"So ?"

"So… Bianca told me she was attracted to me. If she had told me she loved me, if she had just pulled me into a kiss I think I would have handled it better. But it was the way she said it, 'It's nothing big, I don't expect anything but just to let you know I'm attracted to you'. It was like an admission and a rejection all in one. I can't remember what I said exactly, I know I back tracked a lot and I didn't deal with it very well. I ran back to JRs bed because it was safe there and I believed he loved me."

"You ran away?" asked Dr Stanhope, remembering Bianca describing doing exactly the same thing.

"I know and yet I couldn't stop thinking about Bianca and about how I felt about her. Why I ran away. Then the very next day there was Bianca with another woman, going on a date no less. I was… I was jealous and Bianca's new girlfriend straight out asked me if I was in love with Bianca and that freaked me out even more, I had no idea it was that obvious. It was such a mess. It was becoming clear that Bianca was ashamed of being attracted to me and was trying to pretend it didn't matter when I knew in my heart it did – so I ran away again."

"You thought she was ashamed?"

"What else was I to think? Why else would she keep pushing me to JR, why…oh why would she coach him on how to make me happy? She was the one behind the music box; she was the one behind the comedy club and the picnic with the donuts and orange soda. When I found out I was so angry it felt like she had used our friendship to manipulate me so she wouldn't have to deal with her… 'attraction.'" Marissa added the quotation marks with her fingers in disgust, mostly at herself. "But now the more I think about it the more I know she only did it because she loved me. She did it was because she couldn't do it herself…" Marissa paused in thought for a moment. "And she told me so many times in so many ways – the music box was from someone who really cared about me…"

Marissa was lost in memories, her eyes brightened and her smile just beamed for a moment.

"She loves me. Bianca loves me and I'm scared. I'm scared because it means everything will change. I'm scared because I don't want to hurt my son, and if I break up with JR again it will break his heart. I'm scared because I've never been so in love in my entire life."

"It seems to me you know your heart pretty well." said Doctor Stanhope. "If it is time you need then I am certain Bianca will give it to you. All I can say is if the only thing holding you back is fear then I think you need to understand what you are afraid of. I want to leave you with this question. Why are you afraid to be in love?"

Marissa's brow furrowed at that and she sighed.

When the time was up, Marissa left, her smile a little more relaxed. Doctor Stanhope crossed his fingers again. He hoped it would work out for both of them.