A/N: Hey guys. This is one of my longer chapters, averaging about 9500 words :D So big smiles for that!
Also, I've been noticing a quite upsetting decline in my reviews lately, which makes me sad. I've lost a lot, but I just wanna say thank you to all my usual reviewers who review every week, like: waterwicca, so-complicated, LIV3xLAUGHxL0V3, fearless523, fang lover 23, christinainwonderland, ShootingStar001, casablancasx3, rattle-my-KAGE, BigTimeFan50, tawniee, gleechild, and if I forgot you, please tell me! These are the people who make me keep going with this story, so if you are too shy or too lazy to review Hooked, please, review their stories, cause they are what is making this story possible.
Also, I see that I get SO many hits and visitors to this story, so please, just take the time and give me just a word or two about what you think about this Kendall, Stella relationship.
Also, new reviewers get a sneak peek of the next chapter :x I've been doing this for a while now, but have never put it on an authors note, so here ya go.
ALSO, I've been thinking about maybe shortening up Hooked and ending it a little earlier, but I'm not sure yet. Do you guys want more Stella/Kendall? Tell me, let me know what you are thinking.
FINALLY, waterwicca's Past The Sorrow has a MONUMENTAL chapter coming out tonight. So if you read this snippet, make SURE to pay close attention, cause it's VERY important in tonights chapter, so without further ado, I give you, Past The Sorrow:
ore than three months later, Kendall woke up with a slight chill and instantly reached out beside him for the body heat of Sage with his eyes still refusing to open. When his outstretched arm only met his mattress, he blinked rapidly and looked around, swallowing his panic down his suddenly tight throat.
His bedroom was brightly lit with the morning sunlight reflecting off of the foot of snow on the ground beyond his window, and his clock told him it was time to get up. Before he could call out to Sage, his body relaxed when he heard movement from his bathroom and noticed the door was slightly ajar. He jumped off of his bed with a smile and swung the door open the rest of the way, knowing she would have shut the door securely if he wasn't allowed in.
Sage stood in front of the sink with her lower half fully dressed in boots and jeans, but only wore a purple bra on top. Kendall noticed how closely her new bruises matched the color of her underwear, thinking that somehow everything was so right about her even when it was all terribly wrong. Her latest injuries were still pretty fresh, only having been dealt two days before during one of the times she was forced to be at the Henderson house when Elliot wasn't working. Sage's torso was still wrapped from when Kendall helped patch her up the night before after they showered… together.
Now that Sage practically lived with the Knight family, and Karen knew about her son and his girlfriend's intimacy, she insisted that their bedroom door stay open at all times. However, Sage and Kendall found plenty of time to sneak around whenever and wherever they could.
Kendall watched Sage smile at him sheepishly. It was covering her chest, but she seemed to be struggling to get the bra straps onto her arms; wincing every time her sore shoulders resisted the awkward movement. She had just been rethinking her strategy when Kendall walked in.
"Why didn't you come get me?" Kendall sighed softly, giving her a gentle smile as he stepped forward confidently to help her like he had many times before. "Arms straight down…"
Sage rolled her eyes with a melodic laugh as she did what she was told. Despite the brutal pain he knew she was in, Kendall always loved that she faced it with a smile. It was a completely genuine gesture. It had taken awhile for Kendall to learn that she meant it and wasn't just being brave, and he decided that if she could remain happy then so could he. They always did their best to not let Elliot change them. They kept their normalcy of jokes and smiles.
"I was trying to let you rest for five more minutes," Sage grinned weakly as her boyfriend slid the straps slowly up her smooth arms and shrugged.
"You know I can't sleep without you there anyway…" he kissed her softly once he was done, "… but promise you'll ask for help next time, especially if you're stuck on the undressing part," he smirked at her playfully, pulling her into a deeper kiss.
Sage leaned into him fully; running her hands along his exposed back as his avoided her abdomen and rested in her hair and against her hip. Kendall swept his tongue across her lips and Sage found her control, stepping back just before she let them get carried away.
"You should get dressed. We have to go downstairs in a few minutes," she kissed him once more, forcing herself to keep her eyes off of his half naked body and biting her lip. Kendall seemed to be doing the same.
"Okay… just a little while longer…" he whispered softly as he sat on the toilet seat cover and pulled her into his lap, "… I wish you didn't have to go…"
From the moment he woke up, Kendall knew it was Friday just as much as he knew he was on planet Earth. Tuesday and Friday mornings were always solemn occasions for him and Sage because Elliot demanded that she be home when he was, and her stepfather did not work on Wednesdays and Saturdays. It wasn't the perfect situation, but they were making the best of what they had been given.
"Are we gonna keep having this conversation over and over?" Sage joked lightly, leaning in to rest her forehead in the crook of his neck.
"Just on Tuesday and Friday mornings because, no matter how many times we go through this, I will never be okay with you going to your house… to be around him," Kendall always avoided saying Elliot's name when he could. The anger was too much to control if he let it consume him.
"Good morning, lovebirds!" Katie entered the room cheerfully and hopped up to sit on the counter, swinging her legs back and forth to hit against the wood below every few seconds.
"Yes, Katie, come right on in," Kendall laughed sarcastically, placing a random kiss onto Sage's shoulder.
"Hey, your door was wide open," his little sister defended herself boldly, curiously examining random objects near the sink.
"Only because Mom makes us keep it that way," Kendall insisted with a tone that clearly showed that Katie was already aware of that fact.
Pay close attention! And read and review, please, waterwicca deserves it :D
And now FINALLY after this long authors note, please, without futher ado we have the twenty-third chapter of Hooked :)
Chapter Twenty-Three: Hooked
She had no idea how she had made it here alive.
After a week of trudging through the snow and the ice, nearly getting killed three times, and not eating more than once a day, an exhausted Stella had finally arrived in Duluth, Minnesota. Her tired legs walked like she was made of wood, each step horribly painful, and her feet blistered and freezing. However, not once did she stop when it wasn't absolutely necessary. She had to go see Kendall Knight, and it didn't matter how hurt, hungry, or tired she was.
She wore Kendall's cardigan the entire journey through, letting it fall against her shoulders, the scent of him still lingering throughout the worn blue threads. This way, if she closed her eyes, she could pretend Kendall's arm enamored her body, clutching her closer to him for warmth, telling her he was sorry, and that he loved her more than anything in the world.
Her dreams of the boy still continued, as did dreams of her abuse in where Kendall would pull her bloody adolescent self from the hands of raw, vicious guards who tried to kill her.
Stella stood on Granger Street, her dirty, frozen blonde hair hanging in streaks over her red, flushed, freezing face. She brought her shaking hand up to her cheek, as her eyes stared at the cold, lightly sprinkled snowy street in front of her. She looked from left to right, her eyes narrowing down the block in which there was a house on each side. All the lights were on in almost every house. Stella turned to the left, and saw a lively blue living room, a blonde mother and two brunette sons sitting down to dinner, with a tall, brunette father bringing in something from what she assumed was the kitchen. A big chandelier hung in the center of the dining room, and Stella smiled at the family, the vision instantly brining her back to Thief River Falls, in where she had sat down to an elegant dinner with Kendall and the Tregger's. Slowly walking forward, Stella reached into her pocket with shaking hands, small puffs of fog escaping between her lips, pulling out the small, crinkled piece of paper she had studied so many nights. She knew the exact address of where Kendall lived, but being somehow down the street from it, almost made Stella second guess herself. It was if she couldn't believe that she was actually here, that she had actually made it here in one piece, and that she was going to be able to throw her arms around Kendall Knight in just seconds.
After making sure she was indeed correct, Stella shoved the paper back down into her pocket, and turned her attention to the happy house with the lovely family, searching for a number to guide her.
"540," she whispered to herself, nodding. Kendall's house was 528, so she had to walk a bit further down the street. Swallowing hard, and butterflies building up inside of her stomach, she began to walk down the street, the bitter cold wind whipping her dirty, unkempt hair into her fair, frozen face.
"536," she whispered again, looking at bright white house with dark maroon shutters, and a small, dead cherry tree in the front yard. Stella kept walking, approaching a white house, with dark green shutters. There was a blue Chevy parked in front of the house, and red mini-van in the driveway. Stella's eyes opened wider. She recognized that mini-van. It was the one she had kept her blue eyes locked on from the window of the abandoned mansion, watching as Kendall and his family made their way back home. Stella's heart beat faster and faster against her ribcage as the vision and idea of seeing Kendall became all too real to her again. She walked towards the dark, silent house, her footsteps crunching in the snow and ice that lay under her. Without a doubt, she walked up to the front door, taking in the house as a whole. White shingles covered it, along with dark green shutters. Icicles hung over the awning of the porch which she stood on. Stella's smile was still bright, her body not even taking in the deserted, darkness of the giant house in front of her.
Not even taking time to examine the consequences, Stella pushed the doorbell with a giddy smile, biting her lip, near tears in her eyes. The sound echoed through the empty house, and Stella stood back on the porch again, just praying that Kendall would open the door so she could throw her arms around his warm frame, taking all of him in, begging for forgiveness. She heard no footsteps, and she saw not one light go in the house in front of her. She looked at the number to her right.
"528," she whispered to herself nodding, keeping a smile plastered on her face. Stella leaned on the railing of the porch nervously, wondering if the Knight's maybe were asleep, and she had awoken them. Stella never really was one for knowing what was socially acceptable, especially based on the near hand job she had given Kendall during Christmas Eve dinner. Stella's breathing began to get heavier, noticing that every other house had lights on, except Kendall's. She pushed the doorbell again, and looked up at the stars, wondering if something was wrong, if they had guided her to the wrong place. However, her common sense brought her back to reality, and she stared at the door with confusion.
"How is it that every house has a light on except this one?" Stella whispered to herself, her own mind going nearly mad from the lack of sleep, the bitter cold and the racing of her heart. It wasn't pitch black out, but dark enough for the stars to be out, and the people to be inside. Stella's eyebrows furrowed, as she took her shaking fist, and pounded on the oak door of the Knight house, not having any shame in waking them up if they slept.
"Kendall!" Stella yelled, her voice cracking in excitement. Her fist pained every time she met the door, but she didn't care. The louder she knocked, the better chance Kendall would hear her. More fog passed her lips, as her face began to contort in fear that Kendall wasn't home, and she would have to wait even longer to see him.
"Are you lookin' for the Knight's?" she heard a weak, Midwest voice speak behind her. Stella turned to the sidewalk, where she saw an older woman, buried in brown fur coat, walking a small little Chihuahua by the Knight's mailbox. Stella smiled instantly at the woman, nearly running down the porch steps, not bothering with the ice, her lungs out of breath from the tight, cold sting in the air.
"Yes! Yes I am, oh! Where might they be? Do you know?" Stella asked the old, wrinkly woman with an excited face. The woman smiled a bit sadly at Stella's excitement, ignoring her tattered and torn clothes, the filth of hair, the flush of her cheeks and the condition of her canvas bag, slung over her shoulder like usual. Even though her coat put off the idea that she was indeed wealthy, she remained friendly to the girl who looked like she had been on the road for months, rather than days.
"Oh sweetheart, they are in California, didn't you hear? It's the talk of the town!" the woman exclaimed jubilantly, looking down at the dog who was sniffing by the curb for a place to relieve itself. Stella swallowed hard and looked at the woman confused, not believing her at all. Why in the world would Kendall be across the nation in California?
"W-what do you mean? What are you talking about?" Stella asked the woman in a joking, worried laugh, the words getting caught in her throat.
"Haven't you heard? Kendall, Kim's oldest, is in California with the Garcia boy, the Mitchell's son and the Diamond's son on record deal of some sort," the woman said with a smile. Stella looked at the woman like she had just spoke in gibberish, her smile dissipating and licking her lips confused with wide, glassy blue eyes. "It's all anybody here is talking about!"
"What?" Stella asked in frozen a whisper. The woman looked at Stella like she instantly knew the entire story between her and Kendall and frowned, just sensing the heartbreak in her one word. She could see the lines of distress on Stella's face, making her beautiful skin seem like it was effortlessly aging with worry in front of her.
"The Knight's are in California for three months, dear…is—is something wrong?" she asked. Stella stumbled back a bit, her head dizzy with fear. Was this a sick joke? Had she travelled all this way to knock on Kendall's empty house, without so much as knowing where he was in a state halfway across the country.
"No-I-I," Stella said, stumbling on her words, the air and distraught getting caught in her throat, as if they prevented her from breathing. She looked at the empty house, and then back at the woman who seemed more concerned with how her little Chihuahua was doing on the side of the road, rather than the blonde, beaten runaway in front of her. "I'm fine, thank you, I'll just be going home now," Stella said almost robotically, as she nodded in thanks to the woman, and walked past her, feeling as if her body had just been beaten with sacks of pennies. Stella walked down the sidewalk, the air stinging her, her lips trembling and her hair whipping around her face. Tears began to come to her eyes she walked away, turning around to see if the woman was still there. Warm tears tracked her face as the brown fur coat of a lady walked further down the black, nearly out of sight between the distance, and falling darkness.
Through a wall of tears, she looked back at Knight house, feeling lonely and lost. She had wanted nothing more than to fall into Kendall's arms, and kiss him. She wanted to sleep in a warm house, even if it meant getting snuck in and staying in the closet. She just wanted protection. She had come so far for it, and now it was gone before she had even had it. Stella walked towards the house again, wiping her eyes with shaking, dry, cracked hands. She swallowed hard, her dry throat on fire as she cried.
She was angry, but not at Kendall. She was angry at herself, and she didn't even know why. This lethal mix of feelings boiled in her veins, making her skin feel as if it was on fire. Stella took a few more steps to the Knight house, and swallowed hard, as she looked up and down it, tears falling down her face. Making a quick decision, she began to walk up the driveway, and into the open backyard, past the garage which was connected to the house. Stella eyes suddenly caught a small entrance into the garage, covered by a flimsy piece of wood by the back of it. She walked over to it and cautiously moved the wood aside, careful not to make any noises that would alarm the neighbors. Stella kneeled down, and with closed eyes, squeezed herself past the opening, into the Knight's garage, falling down on the hard asphalt, scraping her already torn jeans, and her bag falling with a clunk beside her.
Stella's palms were scraped a bit as well as she lay on the floor of the Knight's garage, looking around at it curiously. She had to admit, she felt a bit weird breaking into Kendall's house, but right now, her mind was set on somehow getting any clue to where he was, or any reminiscing memories of him at all. Stella sat on the chalky floor, wiping the small specks of blood from her scratched hands on her jeans, the last few fresh tears rolling down her face as she looked around the garage.
There were boxes piled high of stuff, each one cleverly labeled in big, thick, boxy handwriting. Stella got up from the floor with a sigh, wiped her wet eyelashes with the back of her hand, fastened her bag back on her shoulder and walked towards one of the piles of cardboard boxes. Her finger instantly traced the word "KENDALL" on one of the boxes labeled "KENDALL'S OLD ROOM". It was about knee high to her, with no other boxes on top of it. Stella shakily opened the two cardboard flaps, cutting the tape with her jagged pinky nail, as she opened the musty, old memories. The scent of must and dirt clogged her nose, as she turned away and gave a gentle cough into the fresher air. She turned back to it bringing her hands to the first thing she saw in the box, which was a once shiny, now tarnished hockey trophy, the emulation of a small pee-wee hockey player on top, nearly cracked in half. Stella gently picked it up with a smile, and looked at the engraving, blowing the few dust bunnies from the base. "Herbst Elementary Hockey Squad. First Place. 1998," Stella read softly, smiling as her thumb traced the words engraved. She placed the trophy back in the box with gentle care, making sure the small hockey player on top wasn't broken off, and moved it aside to go deeper into the box.
Stella's hands came upon a black picture frame, which she slowly and carefully pulled from the mess, small little dust fragments coating the glass that covered it. Stella smiled when she saw the picture of four boys, Kendall on the end with the goofiest of smiles on his faces, even though he couldn't be more than ten. Stella's eyes wandered towards the other three boys in the picture, who she took to be James, Carlos and Logan, Kendall's three best friends that he would always slip into their conversation. They were all in hockey gear, the Latino boy wearing a helmet, and all of the boys wearing the same red, green and brown hockey jersey. She didn't know who was who, not remembering Kendall's description of his best friends from his first visit, but it didn't matter to her.
She knew that these boys were Kendall's entire lifetime, and that they would fight to death over his protection, even if itwasfrom her.
The bond was visible from just looking at the picture of the ten year old boys. Their arms draped over each other in a relaxing, simple touch, their faces contorted out of excitement from what Stella believed were due to a victory on the ice. Her eyes locked on Kendall, who seemed as bright and as innocent as the other boys, something she didn't think was possible. While not knowing about the lives of James, Carlos and Logan, Stella had feeling they weren't as fucked up as Kendall was, or as fucked up as she was.
Stella carefully placed the picture down into the darkness of the box with a small smile, and decided to close the box of Kendall's old mementos, not bothering with the stripe of tape down the middle. She turned around in the garage, looking at the door in front of her which led to what she thought a dark, dismal kitchen. Stella looked more around the garage with a furrowed brow, wanting to find something she could pick the lock with. As much as she felt guilty for effectively breaking into the house, it wasn't like she was going to steal anything from the Knight's. She would never. She needed a place to sleep tonight, and she also needed to see if there would be any clues leading her directly to where Kendall was.
If Stella didn't find him, then she'd be back at square one. Truly alone.
Although in this moment, Stella had never felt more alone in her entire life.
Her eyes caught on a wire hanger that hung in the corner of the garage, on a piece of broken wood protruding from the wall. She quickly walked over to it, feeling it would work perfectly, and snatched it from the wall, the cold wire sending chills up her spine as it hit the scratches on her hand from when she had fell. Stella shivered, the garage not having any heat as she walked over to the door, and kneeled down on the cement step, bending the top of the hanger so it could pick the lock. After only a minute or two, Stella was successful, and opened the door to the Knight's dark kitchen, the door creaking open slowly.
Stella slowly and quietly got up from the step, hitting the rest of the dust from her jeans as she walked into the kitchen, slowly placing the hanger down next to the step, making sure she knew where it was if she needed it again. Her boots clicked softly against the linoleum of the floor, as she quietly shut the door behind her, locking it so it never looked like she was here in the first place.
Stella took a deep breath as she looked around the kitchen, immediately going to the big linoleum sink, knowing that she had to clean out her cuts before they either got infected or got deeper. She walked across the room to the sink, her eyes admiring the homey decorating Mrs. Knight had done, a smile slipping across Stella's face. The entire kitchen was done in a modern style, but with homey touches slipped in the most unexpected places, like the soft, warm colors of the dishtowels hung over the bar of the over, and how they matched the colors of the curtains that framed the big, old fashioned window looking out onto the dark, barely lit street. Stella smiled as she turned the faucet on, ran the hot water, and slowly stuck her hand under it, biting her lower lip at the sting. The water cascaded down her hand, the warmth pooling in her body as she sighed deeply, swallowing hard at the sting she felt zing through her wrist and up to her spine.
She turned the faucet off, and wiped her hand on the clean part of her jeans, not wanting to dirty any of the towels in the Knight kitchen. She sighed and began to walk towards the living room, her hand tracing the small white table in which she imagined Kendall sitting down to and having breakfast each morning with his mother and sister. Stella leaned against the countertop and sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, her hands clutching the counter with white knuckles.
Kendall suddenly pushed Stella up against the counter of the musty old house, as his lips instantly attacked hers with more than desire. Stella let out a slight moan, slipping her hands around Kendall's broad shoulders as their tongues wriggled against each other for dominance in the kiss. Stella let down her guard, and Kendall took full control of her body, his hands going down to her backside and giving it a squeeze as he grinded against her, his mind in a frenzy of passion. Their lips messily rubbed against each other, the warmth and moist feeling intoxicating Kendall's entire body beyond his wildest beliefs.
He swallowed hard and nodded as she played the frays of hair at the back of his neck, his hands rubbing her bare back gently. He swiftly pulled out of her, and then pushed back in again as Stella's legs spread wider, breaths getting heavier. She let out a small moan into his neck, holding on tightly to his neck like she was in some sort of pain.
"I don't wanna be too rough, love," Kendall spoke in her ear as he remained inside of her, his fingers tracing her slim abdomen. Stella slowly suckled on his earlobe and blew in his ear, her hands at his lower back, massaging it gently.
"Don't hold back, Kendall," she spoke with a small smile.
Stella's eyes shot open, her breaths tight as she swallowed hard, gripping the counter with shaking hands. She shook her head of the fantasy and sighed deeply, her shaky hands at her sides as she began to walk up into the living room area of the Knight's house. To her left was a set of stairs in which her eyes followed willfully. Deciding this would be her best option, Stella carefully held onto the wood banister and slowly began her descent upstairs, the creaky wood of the staircase underneath her feet. Her breathing was heavy in the dark space as she reached the top step, looking both left and right at the doors. One door was slightly ajar, and she could see blue tile marking the walls, so she assumed it was a bathroom. Next to that was a bedroom, and then to her left she saw three more doors.
Not knowing which one would be Kendall's room, she slowly walked towards the left, her fingers tracing the narrow green walls of the tiny hallway, a bit scared of what she could encounter. The small creaks of her footsteps sent chills up her spine as she breathed heavily, slowly hitting open the first door she came across. Her eyes were unveiled to a purple room, with a white carpet, and she smiled to herself, knowing it was Katie's. The bright purple room made Stella's eyes glisten, the vibrancy giving her a speck of hope in her heart at the young girls tough exterior, but true innocence. She didn't bother going into the room, and passed it by, walking down the hall a bit more the room beside it.
She slowly took the brass knob in her hand and turned it, the small creak of the door mapping out an instant smile on her face as the blue walls of Kendall's room. The second his room was revealed, Stella felt an instant connection with it, even though it was much too dark to really see it. She knew if she turned on a light that it'd be beyond suspicious since apparently everyone knew that the Knight's were gone. Stella took a few steps into the room and she smiled at how much it just smelled like Kendall. She closed her eyes and reveled in the scent, sliding her bag off her shoulder and letting it fall to the grey carpet silently. Stella walked in a small circle around Kendall's room, wondering up at the blue walls and looking down at the stripped bed.
Everything was virtually empty.
Stella bit her lower lip as she walked over to where his closet door was slightly ajar, and opened it softly, seeing nothing inside except a plaid shirt, and two halves of an old broken hockey stick. She took her hand and ran it down the sleeve of a blue and white plaid shirt Stella didn't recognize, closing her eyes as she let Kendall's persona divulge into her body peacefully as ever. She needed him. She needed his security, his protection, and his love more than anything else she could possibly yearn for.
Stella wasn't as she had been before Kendall.
She was less now.
And it showed.
Fighting back tears, she released the sleeve of the shirt, and closed the door to the empty room with a sigh. She stared back into the empty room, the only light coming in from the stars and moonlight through the window beside Kendall's bed. With a deep shy, Stella wandered over to the oak desk that sat against the opposite wall. She saw that virtually nothing was on top of the desk, except a few disconnected wires from where she guessed Kendall's computer was. Stella pulled out the blue folding chair and sat down on it, allowing her hands to rest on the cold desk, a shiver going up her spine. She swallowed hard and sighed, closing her eyes again, trying to feel as much of Kendall's presence here as she could.
Curious as she could be, Stella leaned to the side, and opened the first drawer of Kendall's desk, seeing if he had left anything behind she could possibly take note of.
She saw a hefty letter with a big "Return to Sender" stamp on the front, and a crinkled up white paper, neatly folded into quarters, rubber banded to it. Stella carefully picked up the letter out of the empty drawer, and quickly and carefully undid the rubber band. She put the white paper aside, and her hands gently held the delicate, and slightly torn letter. Her heart began beating faster as she examined it with wide, glassy blue eyes.
It was addressed to Kacey Roberts, the name she had told Kendall to send his letter to.
It was the letter Stella had never gotten.
Within an instant, the guilt, and shame she had felt upon telling Kendall she had resisted him at first came crawling back to her. She dropped the letter on the desk like it burnt her skin, tears threatening to fall down her cheeks as she took a shaky breath in. She couldn't even imagine what was in the letter, and the beauty it contained. Kendall had waited for her to receive it for weeks and weeks, when she so selfishly had chosen not to receive it.
It made Stella's heart ache that she had opted against it.
It broke heart to know that Kendall hadn't taken it with him.
A small tear fell down her face, as she swallowed hard, with shaky hands taking the envelope from the desk and opening it. She slid the two pages of papers out from the envelope, and held them immediately close to her heart. She owed this to Kendall. She had to read this letter.
Taking a few shaky breaths, she brought the letter away from her chest, and looked at the first line, her heart breaking in two. Her face tensed up with a small, happy smile as she read the "Hey Beautiful," in Kendall's messy handwriting, substituted the crossed out "Dear Stella," she had been expecting. But then again, this was Kendall Knight she was talking about. She closed her eyes, and blinked out the last of her tears for the moment, ready to read what Kendall had written her.
Hey Beautiful,
I'm sitting here in my room, on my bed looking out the window at the stars, and missing you a lot, especially with all your witty comments. I would love to make this some romantic, amazing, love letter, but I don't think I can, because while I can write songs for you, letters are a completely different story and I'm not too great at English. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my dad, and this whole therapy thing my mom wants me to do, and it's just really been getting to me, especially since you're not here with me, to hold my hand, or look up at the stars with (which are super bright lately). I miss you, and I really can't wait to hear from you to make sure that you are doing alright and that you still love me ;)
It's weird Stel—ever since you came into my life, everything has been different. And I'm really not just saying that to say it, or to make you smile, well at least not totally. I hope your smiling when you read this. Anyway, like I was saying, you changed something in me. Something in my body chemistry. Something is off, but it feels ten times better this way. It was like before I met you, something else was always missing, some part of me I didn't even realize I wanted until I saw you. I was coming to Thief River Falls to forget about my lonely, sad Christmas without my father, and I found you by some miracle of the Gods. And now here I am, writing you a letter, a letter to the girl I love.
The best part about all of this is knowing that you feel the same way about me. Ever since I left you at the window, wearing my cardigan, I haven't stopped thinking of everything that you are, body mind and spirit. I close my eyes and see your face, I touch my own hair and feel it is yours, I bite my own lip and if I try hard enough I can feel your sweet, supple lips on mine. You are always there, and you never leave me. It's an amazing feeling, even if it is just a dream.
My best friends, James, Carlos and Logan, you know, the pretty boy, the wackjob and the smart boy respectively, don't believe in us. But you know what, I believe in us, and that is all that matters. All that matters is that we know how we feel about each other, we know what happened up in Thief River Falls, and how its shaped both of our lives. How it got you to open up to me, and how you allowed yourself to be loved me.
Making love to you Stella, has been the best experience of my life so far. I don't think another moment in my life will ever be that great, or that special. I remember it like it could've happened moments ago, and the fact that we were one person boggles my mind anytime I think about it. I feel like our relationship was meant to be this whirlwind of emotions for a reason. It works for us, love. Everything happens for a reason, I'm thinking about getting that tattooed somewhere since it proves so true :)
I hope you are reading this and smiling, because I'm writing this and smiling for sure. This feels so natural, writing you a letter. It's as if we have known each other for a lifetime, and I don't think I've ever been this grateful for having a person in my life since my father.
My father was taken away from me, the one person I thought I could depend on for anything, the one person who knew me better than I knew myself. He'll always be there Stella, but I have this theory.
My father sent you to me. I'm sure of it.
There has to be a reason that you were up on that deck at the same time I was, a reason for why when we kissed for the first time, my entire body did a once over and I felt like I was melting out of my skin. My father sent you to me to fix me, so I wouldn't be messed up, and angry anymore. As much as I am trying my best with therapy, and my friends, and my mom and my sister to not be the way I was, the only way I am calm around is you. You make me feel like nothing was wrong with me in the first place. I know that I have a lot of issues and passion, but you do too, and knowing that we are in some insane way on the same plain, makes me believe that we work together perfectly. We are puzzle pieces, love, and we fit together for a reason.
I can't look up at the stars without thinking of you, and I can't close my eyes without seeing you. Sometimes, I hear your voice in my dreams, and it makes me think that you're right there with me, cuddled up against me with your beautiful long blonde hair under my nose, your tiny arms entangled with mine.
I know you feel the same way, Stella.
You are the best thing to happen to me since I can remember. You are only thing that I can count on right now, and I can't tell you how good it makes me feel that I have you. You are mine, and I am yours. I know this might be a bit corny, but here is a quote that I came across on the internet the other day, and I feel explains us quite well. After reading it, all I thought of was you and I.
"Passion is all but soft, it's not tender, it is violence to which you get hooked by pleasure."
It's true in every sense of the word, love.
I'm Hooked, Stella.
I'll be seeing you soon, I promise.
All of my love,
Kendall Knight
Stella's entire face was flushed, and engulfed in tears as she let out a shallow cry from the depths of her stomach, shaking her head and placing the letter down on the desk. She sobbed loudly, covering her face with her hands as she breathed heavily, the guilt and shame being poured onto her like thick cement she couldn't escape. She should've stayed in Thief River Falls. She should've stayed with Kendall. Trying to forget him didn't work, but only screwed her in the end, to the point where she had less than she began with.
She wouldn't let Kendall go through that. She loved him too much.
Wiping her eyes with one hand, her heart beating rapidly at Kendall's words, she shakily picked up the quartered paper and opened it with a crinkle. She swallowed hard as her eyes read the lyrics of the song he had written her for Christmas, messily scribbled with an inky pen, with small chord diagrams for what Stella figured to be guitar. She let out another small sob, a smile peeking out through it as she looked at countless scribbles and cross outs Kendall had endured to get the perfect melody for the song down. She closed her eyes, and wished she knew how the notes sounded, and wished she could fully remember the melody, how he had sung it for her on Christmas morning.
Stella smiled at the prospect that Kendall had gone out on his way to become famous, knowing that from the moment she met him that he was better than this town, especially with that beautiful voice that took her to another planet. She swallowed hard, remembering how timid he was, even with her, and now how he was going to be singing something in front of millions of people. She knew he would do good things.
Stella looked at the letter, as her heartbeat slowed down, and her vision cleared, physically and mentally. She re-read some of the things Kendall wrote, and she agreed with most of them, her eyes smiling at the kind, compassionate words she had never received from anyone in her lifetime. Stella had only been slapped, and hit her entire life, excluding her stay at her foster home.
Stella loved Kendall with all her heart, with every aching bone in her body. She knew it for sure this time, there were no regrets whatsoever.
She also knew that there was no way they could ever be together.
She loved him too much.
In that moment Stella's eyes closed, tears falling from them down her face in slow motion, clutching the letter in one hand, and the song in the other, she let out a small sob, nodding her head. She owed this to Kendall.
She had to let him go.
In what seemed like one fluid motion, Stella got up from the desk, placing the letter back in the envelope with shaking hands, folding up the song back in quarters. Tears falling down and staining the thin white paper, she smiled as she put the letter and the song back in their rightful place in the empty, echoing drawer, and closed it with a gentle slam, her hand still clutching the handle tightly. Stella looked on at the closed drawer with a small, hopeful smile.
While she was upset that Kendall had done his best to try to forget about her, she knew it would never work.
She had been there before, and there was no use of even trying. The love was strong, the forces were beyond them. As much as their bodies could be achingly separated, their hearts would never be, deep passion and love rooting them together into one.
Kendall Knight had said it himself.
He was Hooked.
"Kendall, you okay man?"
Kendall turned his head across the room to Logan, who was unpacking his clothes from his hockey duffle into the oak dresser by his bed. Logan had about three sweater vests in his hand and he looked at Kendall concerned. Logan had noticed that even still, after everything was now completely cool with the four of them, Kendall still wasn't the same. Logan knew it was Stella that his best friend was thinking about, and he felt so bad for Kendall. In some ways, Logan found it equated to his mother's marriage. His father had cheated on her, and yet, he knew his mother still loved his father with all her heart, even if it was shown through the embracing of his betrayal.
"Jet lagged," Kendall lied miserably, his gaze going back out towards the window to Palm Woods Park. The boys had landed this morning, and of course were more than eager to take the world by storm, checking out the pool, the arcade, the gym, and everything else their new home had to offer them. California was new and exciting to the boys, especially Carlos and James who had never even been here before. It was a long way from Minnesota, but nothing could ever tear the boys from their home roots.
But now, as it got closer to night, and the boys unpacked all their belongings, Kendall felt a stinging sense of permanency, as if he couldn't escape from it. He had round up all his friends and brought them to California on this wild hell of a ride, all for him, but yet, he still didn't feel right about all of this. It was if there was always this little clock in the back of his mind, ticking away at his conscious, saying "Kendall, why are you even here right now? You don't even like to sing in front of people. Why are you doing this? Is this just to get away from everything? You'll never be able to escape your father's death, or Stella's betrayal."
Kendall sighed deeply, and laid back on his bed, his duffle still at the end of his bed, along with another bag filled with CD's, trophies, pictures and a bunch of other things from Minnesota. Logan looked at his friend sprawled out across his dark blue comforter, his side of the room totally bare, while Logan had made the place his own in no time. His physics book, along with his L, O, G, A, and N encyclopedias were stacked on the floor right next to his bed. Seeing as the entire set was so expensive, Logan's parents had rewarded him with a book for each letter of his name, anytime he did something they were especially proud of, like when Logan got 100% on his first Calculus test in the beginning of the year, that being the N of course. Logan had read the entire L, O and G book, and was now working on the A. He was up to Amputated, as in amputated legs and arms, but hadn't had the time to read lately, seeing as his life was going in a million different ways.
Placing the last of his clothes in the last drawer neatly, Logan smiled and returned to his duffle, folding it up silently, and opening the large walk-in closet that was in the back of the room. He placed it neatly by the shoe rack, and closed the door, making sure to turn off the light. Logan then looked back at Kendall, who looked absolutely miserable. His eyes were open, but were struggling to remain that way, the dull green giving off more of an upset look than a tired look.
Knowing that James and Carlos were off somewhere in the midst of the Palm Woods, trying to find some girls to pick up or at least attempt to pick up in Carlos' sense, Logan didn't have the heart to leave Kendall alone. However, Logan also didn't know if he could handle a conversation with Kendall about Stella, and about how much he loved her, and how hard he was trying to forget her. Logan's views on love were shot to hell the second his father admitted about Tina Marie. There was absolutely nothing else that could convince him true love really existed, and actually lasted, and he knew that if he told that to Kendall, the boy would just rage against him.
Logan opened his mouth anyway.
"What's wrong, buddy? You're not just tired, you can't lie to me," Logan said chuckling, settling down on his made up side of the room, taking in his new surroundings quite well. Kendall looked up at Logan with his eyes, without moving his head from the pillow and sighed. He felt as if no matter what he did, no matter how exciting coming to California was, Stella would always be on his mind.
"You know what's wrong, Logan. And I know that you don't wanna talk about it, hell, I don't even wanna talk about it," Kendall muttered out miserably, bringing his hand to rest under the cold of the pillow with a soft sigh. Logan looked at Kendall, and saw how his breathing was slowed, his all around movements were slowed, and his lips lay perfectly pursed and straight. It was like Kendall wasn't even a person anymore, just a robot, breathing and talking on command.
"It's gonna get easier to forget her, I promise," Logan said softly, leaning forward on his bed, resting his forearms on his knees. Kendall looked down into his pillow and shrugged his shoulders.
"I guess," he said miserably.
Logan sighed deeply, feeling an awkward tension between he and Kendall.
"I know it doesn't seem like it, but it has to get better, man. I mean, maybe you can talk to James about it. He seems to sleep with girls a lot and somehow he doesn't love them," Logan said, trying to throw a joke into the mix to make Kendall smile.
"Well not to bust your balls, Logie, but I think James and I are just a bit different when it comes to things like this," Kendall said with a chuckle, Logan smiling and nodding at the success of his small joke. "His "girlfriends" don't sleep with other people," Kendall commented bitterly, sighing upset.
"Well, I guess that's fair since, James is the guy who girlfriends of otherguys sleep with," Logan said. Kendall smiled smugly at his friend, finding the joke a bit funny, and truthful. He couldn't count the number of times James had "accidentally" slept with another dude's girlfriend, and somehow, he never got hell for it.
As much as Logan thought the whole Stella thing was ridiculous, he knew how important to Kendall she was. Seeing as he had already voiced his opinion, quite verbally, and Kendall knew where he stood, it didn't make sense for Logan to keep bullshitting around it. Logan bit his lower lip determined to clear the air between he and Kendall in this moment and sighed deeply.
"C-can I just ask you something…without you getting upset?" Logan squeaked out a bit, rubbing his hands together with a deep sigh. Kendall nodded, still laying down lazily, his hand moving under his pillow, to prop his head up more. Logan looked in his best friend's eyes and took one more deep breath, making sure this didn't come out the wrong way. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Kendall, especially since he knew the boy was still in a fragile state.
"I know that you love Stella, Kendall. But—why are you so adamant about her? You know what I mean?" Logan asked him with a bit of a wavering voice, making sure Kendall's facial expressions didn't drop like a dead weight. "Like…I know it must be hard to let love go, but…but why aren't you just accepting that maybe she isn't right for you, even if you do love her?" Logan asked unsurely. Kendall sighed deeply, biting his lip, trying to get past the annoyance of the question that he immediately felt rise up in him, not wanting it to show in his face. However, if Logan was being understanding about this, and trying to help, the least Kendall could do was try his best to not sound like Logan was being a pain.
"So you mean, like, why haven't I just accepted her as my first love, and moved on so easily?" Kendall asked him, not a hint of annoyance in his voice, for which Logan was thankful. He nodded and Kendall sat up, seeing as talking about Stella was a lot more enthusiastic for him. Kendall locked eyes with Logan and nodded.
"Listen Logie, I don't expect you to really understand anything about me and Stella, and our relationship. It's fucked up, and I'll be the first guy admit it. But I'll tell you why—why a part of me still just doesn't want to give up," Kendall said softly, looking down at his fingers awkwardly. Logan nodded and Kendall looked back up at him.
"I-I was supposed to go up to Thief River Falls for Christmas, so I could be more concentrated on my mom and Katie, rather than the fact that my dad wasn't going to be there this Christmas," Kendall spoke out with a small, half smile. Logan nodded and Kendall sighed deeply, playing with his hands again. "But then, I'm out on the deck, crying about my father, and—and I see this girl," Kendall whispered, looking down at the floor with a smile. He closed his eyes and smiled, to which Logan reacted the same way, with a smile. "And…she's beautiful, Logan. She looks like an angel of some sorts, and I-I don't even believe that she is really there at first," he continued with his eyes still closed. He opened them and looked at Logan letting out a small chuckle. "And in the matter of fifteen minutes, we are talking about my father, and his death, and everything that's wrong with me that I can only talk to you guys about. And she is sassy, and sweet, and gentle and," he spoke out in a softer, gentler voice. He looked right at Logan and sighed deeply. "And it feels like—like the world put us there on purpose, Logan. I feel like if I don't kiss her like I want to, that I'm ignoring a request from the God's, I'm ignoring some kind of destiny," he finished passionately, blinking his eyes at the own complexity of his statement. "It feels like it was designed that way."
"So you feel it was meant to be, she was put there on that deck for a specific reason, at that time, that moment?" Logan asked him softly. Kendall looked up at him and smiled.
"I feel like my father sent her, Logan," he whispered out between thin lips with a smile. "I feel like my father put her there, and put me there, to let me have someone else to lean on. I needed someone I could depend on, rather than my mom, or you guys. I needed someone who was as messed up as I was to understand what's going on in here," Kendall said softly, swallowing hard, motioning to his head sadly, with a sarcastic chuckle.
As much as Logan wanted to truly believe Kendall's story, it was hard for him. Logan was a logical person, and everything yes happened for a reason, but a reason in that an outside object affected it to make it that way, just like Newton's Law. To Logan, the only reason Stella was on that deck was because she wanted to stargaze, and the only reason Kendall felt the need to kiss her was because he was lonely, and wanted belongingness. Everything was cut and dry with a smart boy like Logan, and as much as he wished he could believe Kendall, he knew he wouldn't be able to fully wrap something like that around his head.
"I-I don't believe in the "everything happens for a reason" theory Kendall, but I do understand what you are saying. There is an emotional attachment there, because you feel that your father sent Stella to you, and it's normal. But, how will you ever really know?" Logan asked. Kendall shrugged and hung his head, shaking his head unsure. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed.
"I don't know, and it doesn't matter anyway. I-I've gotta fight that part of me that misses her, as much as I possibly can," Kendall said, looking up at his best friend with determination sunk in his green eyes. "But I'm gonna need your help, all of your guys' help," he reiterated sadly, the small flecks of gold in his eyes returning, along with a goofy smile spread across his face. "I can't do it alone, man. I need my best buds," Kendall said with a small smile.
Logan nodded and smiled at his best friend, knowing that Kendall would eventually get through it all, only by the help of his family. Kendall Knight was strong, and nothing would ever stop him from doing what he set out to do, even if it was forgetting someone.
"Damn straight," Logan said.
Stella stood in the bathroom of the Knight's, staring at her naked self in the mirror. She bit her lower lip quivering, not being able to fully look at herself without feeling some sort of disgust. Her shoulders were bruised a bit from her journey, a few scratches on her collarbone. Under her left breast lay a small scar from when she had tried escaping through a wire fence in her journey here, in which it cut her blue sweater, and cause her to bleed. Her long, lean legs were all scratched up as well. Stella was marked with trials and tribulations from trying to get to Kendall, her fight strewn out all over her body with thick red scratches.
Her once beautiful, slim, pasty white body was now marred, and it brought back painful memories of the orphanage. Stella closed her and tried not to think of the times she was beaten, and slapped, and kicked, and pulled by the hair. She shuddered at the thought of it and clutched her cold, thin arms to cover her chest, taking a few deep breaths.
Her eyes cast away from the mirror in shame, Stella turned around to the shower, looking at the thick green curtain that hung outside of it. She slowly hit the curtain away, revealing a virtually empty shower, only housing a small bottle of liquid soap, and a small bottle of shampoo. Stella awkwardly stepped into the shower, the whole time reverting back to her mindset in Thief River Falls. She felt a bit awkward basically breaking into her lover's house, and showering in his bathroom without his knowledge, but it was a mentality Stella had built to fight it throughout her years of survival by herself. Her cold feet stepped on the hard ceramic of the tub as she leaned over and turned the nozzle with the red dot to the side. Stella was praying for hot water, or any water at all for that matter. A burst of water came through the pipes and showered Stella, the warm feeling of the steamy water cleansing her beyond belief. Stella hadn't had a warm shower in more than over a year. She let the water hit her face, as her breathing became more and more calm, as the water washed the dirty, disgusting filth from her pasty white skin. The water was dangerously hot, but Stella didn't mind, as she touched the blue tiled wall in front of her, leaning on it as the water pleasurably pounded into her skin, tears beginning to fall from her eyes.
Stella didn't know why she was crying, but tears kept coming, mixing with the hot water that fell down her face.
With his hands stuck in his pockets, and a thin black hoodie on, Kendall strolled around the lit Palm Woods Park, taking each step with thought on the asphalt that lie on the path through the plush green grass. He sighed deeply, thinking about how Logan, James and Carlos were all off exploring the late night swims, the arcade, and the fire pit jam sessions the guitarists put on.
However, Kendall wanted nothing more than to just be alone. While he had put on his best face for his mother, Katie and the guys, there was still the obviously underlying sadness he radiated. It was full of guilt, shame, and confusion. It seemed like lately, those had been taking place of his anger.
The last time Kendall had truly blown up at someone was Stella, when he had hit her however many days back that was now. He didn't ever want to go that far again, to hit someone. The past year had Kendall so all over the place in this rollercoaster of emotions, that he truly had no idea what to do with himself. It seemed everyday he was feeling different, and to be honest, Kendall hadn't really felt good, since the last day he had spent with Stella, before the fight erupted.
Kendall didn't know if was the fact that she actually had sex with someone else that upset him so much, or the fact that she did it to forget about him somehow. It didn't matter to him now though, cause luckily being in California, Stella would never find him. She wouldn't want to anyway, especially after what had happened between them. Kendall had to wean himself out of the mentality that his father hadn't sent her for him, and that it truly was just a coincidence that he had opened up to her easily. Maybe he was just lonely so he kissed her, and maybe, since he had heard James make so many cracks about his virginity, he slept with her just so he wouldn't have to be made fun of by the older boy.
With each step, Kendall's thoughts about him and Stella's relationship diminished it entirely from the godly, heavenly connection he had explained to his friends so many times, that he had written down for her to never see. Kendall looked up at the stars, thinking of her and sighing to himself. Maybe it was best for her never to get that letter, and maybe that was the real event that had happened for a reason.
Kendall stood in the middle of Palm Woods Park, looking around his well lit, but confusing surroundings. He had been walking and thinking so long, he didn't even know where he had ended up. He sighed deeply, looking at the four paths he could possibly take to get back to entrance, seeing as it was getting quite late, and he didn't want his mother to have a heart attack the first day he was here. Not knowing which way to go, spinning on his heel, Kendall redirected his way up the stars, seeing that an entire cluster of them were to his right, shining brighter than the rest, as if they were beautiful diamonds. Smiling quietly to himself, Kendall turned to his right and walked down the bright lit asphalt path, smiling as he saw the entrance to the Palm Woods in the distance.
Review, please? :)