Chapter 4: Syaoran's Darkness

Sakura stopped outside his door, worried. She had heard what Wei and Syaoran's sisters had said. She knew what her heart felt and what she suspected the ring on her finger was telling her. Sakura was sure something was wrong. She had been in such a hurry to help, but she now paused as a sense of foreboding made her fear what she would find beyond the door.

"Everything will be alright," she told herself, "Syaoran..." she called out weakly as she knocked tentatively on his door. It was unlocked and not quite closed properly, so it swung open from her knock.

Syaoran lay alone on his bed. He was half-naked and yet covered in sweat. His skin was pale and sickly, and his body had lost even more muscle mass since he'd awoken from his coma, before Sakura had returned to Tomoeda.

Sakura approached him, worriedly calling his name again, "Syaoran..." He didn't even turn his head. His breathing was rapid and ragged. His body trembled, yet his bloodshot eyes stared unseeingly at the ceiling. His normally unruly hair was matted and a steady stream of drool trickled down his face and pooled upon the sheets...

"Syaoran!" Sakura said loudly as she shook him by the shoulders, hoping to get a reaction out of him. But she received no sign that he even knew she was there. It had been so hard the last time Syaoran had been like this. It had been nine and a half weeks of torture. Sakura soon saw the cause for his current state resting on the bedside table. A bottle of methadone pills was half empty and several pills were scattered across the surface of the table.

"He's been like this every day..." Fuutie said as she entered the room, "The first time, we called Doctor Ling, but he said there was nothing to do but wait it out. Syaoran's body has been able to metabolize the drugs faster than those of most people, but we have no idea what the effects will be if this continues. He takes enough pills to kill an ordinary person..."

"I won't let that happen." Sakura said weakly as she grasped Syaoran's hand desperately, "I won't let him die again!" She scooped up the pills and ran into the bathroom, crying.

"Wait, Sakura!" Fuutie tried to stop her, but was too late. The toilet flushed, sending the remaining pills spiraling into the sewers.

"I won't let it happen again. I'll make it better." Sakura's desperation had turned to determination.

"You shouldn't have done that..." Fuutie sighed, "He's not going to be happy about this when he wakes up."

"I don't care!" Sakura cried. "I won't let him keep doing this to himself. Why hasn't anyone taken them away before? Why didn't they do it the first time? Can't they see that he's in trouble?"

"Meiling did..." Fuutie's eyes glazed over as she remembered the event. She furrowed her brow and screwed her eyes shut as if it would block the events from her mind.

"Then why is he like this?" Sakura asked. Fuutie didn't answer for a moment. "Where is she?"

"She doesn't live in the main house anymore. Not after what he did to her," Fuutie blurted out.

"He hurt her?" Sakura gasped, shocked that Syaoran would do something like that to his best friend and cousin. Syaoran was no stranger to violence, but he'd always used it to defend himself and those he cared about.

Not even Yelan's powerful foresight had predicted this. One day, they had found him unconscious from an overdose of the methadone. Until that point, no one had realized that he had a problem. He had been doing so well before Sakura left. No one had even thought to even check how he was doing with his medication.

They had noticed the change that had come over him, but they had assumed that his rather grouchy demeanor had been a result of Sakura leaving rather than a sign of prescription drug abuse. They had assumed he was stronger than that.

They called the doctor to take a look at Syaoran, but there was little that he could do. The amount of drugs he had taken should have killed him, and the treatment would certainly do so if the drugs did not. There was no choice but to wait it out.

Meiling was given the task of taking care of him until he recovered. She hated seeing her cousin like this. Without Sakura for him to focus on, he had given in to the pain. Meiling could only watch and wait for him to wake up as he lay drugged into unconsciousness on his bed.

Meiling searched, and found the bottle of pills that he'd been taking. Like Sakura would later do, she disposed of the pills by dumping them into the toilet. Syaoran caught her flushing them away.

"She never did say exactly what Syaoran did to her, but... When we found her... She was lying in the tub in a pool of her own blood...She left the next day." Fuutie shuddered and looked toward the ground. The memory was obviously painful for her.

"He won't hurt me..." Sakura said, "He can't..." She didn't sound too sure of herself.

"Please be careful. You don't know what he's capable of... Excuse me." Fuutie left the room hurriedly and left Sakura alone with Syaoran.

Watching and waiting, Sakura sat by Syaoran's side. She whispered words that begged him to be alright, occasionally reaching out to delicately lay her fingers on him before flinching away from his cold and clammy skin. This continued for nearly an hour before he regained his senses. His hand immediately reached towards the table where his pills had previously been placed.

"Where are they?" Syaoran's voice was anxious. He grabbed Sakura's wrist. His grip was painfully tight. "I need my pills."

"Syaoran you're hurting me..." Sakura whimpered.

"Where are my pills?" Syaoran demanded as he tightened his grip

"They're gone," Sakura said fearfully as she looked into Syaoran's bloodshot eyes. She didn't see a trace of the feelings he'd shown her when she'd left.

"Give them to me now!" he ordered.

"Syaoran, stop it, you're hurting me." Tears were forming in the corners of Sakura's eyes. She wasn't sure whether it was from Syaoran's painful grip, or from her inability to find the love that she knew was hidden within him.

"Only because you're hurting me. I need them, so just tell me what you did with the goddamned pills." He leapt to his feet and slammed her violently against the wall. She cried out in pain.

"You're just hurting yourself, so I got rid of them." Sakura said meekly. Syaoran slapped her stingingly. Sakura bit her lip and held back the cry of pain.

"Where are my pills?" he demanded. His eyes were wide and bloodshot, and his teeth were bared threateningly.

"They're gone, and if you get more, I'll get rid of those too until you don't want them anymore," Sakura yelled through tears. Anger flared in his eyes and he drew back his fist. Sakura tensed and waited to be struck. She closed her eyes in anticipation and fear.

Instead of being struck, there was a loud thud beside her head and the weight of Syaoran's body leaned heavily against her. She opened her eyes and caught him before he fell.

"I'm glad Fuutie called me," Meiling said grimly. She was dressed in a waitress outfit and had a fading bruise on her cheek and some cuts on her face. "I wanted to do that all week." She cracked her knuckles in satisfaction and glared at the unconscious body. Then, she helped Sakura to lay Syaoran on his bed.

"Thanks," Sakura said, "He isn't himself." The words seemed hollow. Sakura clenched her fists and blinked heavily. She was afraid that she would start sobbing uselessly.

"I found that out the hard way, "Meiling said, sounding angrier than usual, "You don't deserve what he would have done to you. I should have known that the first thing you'd do when you got here was take those stupid pills away." Meiling shook her fist angrily. "I kind of wish that he didn't go down so easily. I'd love to get another shot at him."

"Meiling..." Sakura had only ever seen desire in Meiling's eyes when she looked at Syaoran. Now she could only see the desire for revenge. "What did he do to you?" She asked.

"It doesn't matter what he did," Meiling huffed, "let's just make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else." Meling crossed her arms and looked disdainfully at Syaoran.

A few minutes later, Syaoran's arms and legs had been bound to the four corners of his bed. It was probably not the most comfortable position for Syaoran, but they couldn't risk him getting free in his current state. It went without saying that if he was willing to hit Sakura in order to get his pills, anyone else who got in the way would have their lives endangered.

"Meiling, please tell me everything that happened. I want to help him." Sakura looked sorrowfully down on Syaoran.

"Fuutie told me that she told you what happened." Meiling replied. Her hurried speech told Sakura that she was trying to hide something.

"She told me, but I know it couldn't have been the whole story. You must know more. I need to help him," Sakura begged.

"It all started right after you left," Meiling finally replied, "but no one else saw it. I didn't think anything of it at first..." She sat on the edge of the soft green chair as she talked tensely.

"I'm worried about Syaoran," Meiling said, "He's been so different since Sakura left. I haven't even gotten a chance to really talk to him."

"I've seen it too, though it is not my place to say." Wei responded. The weariness in his tone revealed that he desperately wanted to do something.

"You know what's wrong with him?" Meiling, being so close to Syaoran, had assumed that she had been the only one to notice.

"He was not taking his pills very often when Sakura was here, and now the bottle is half empty. The pain must be getting worse." Wei told her.

"I doubt it's the pain in his shoulder that he is trying to get rid of." Meiling laughed nervously.

"You think it was because of me?" Sakura asked, "Is it my fault he's like this?" Her hands were clenched fearfully in front of her.

"The only person at fault here is Syaoran," Meiling replied firmly, "Two days later..."

Syaoran called Dr. Ling who immediately came to serve the Li household's medical needs.

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Ling asked clinically.

"The pain is getting worse," Syaoran told him, "I used up all my pills."

"Your prescription was supposed to last another week," Dr. Ling said with concern, "I should order some tests."

"I just need more pills to manage the pain," Syaoran replied steadily, masking any pain he felt behind an emotionless gaze.

"If it gets any worse, call me. I wouldn't want anything to happen to your arm." He scribbled some notes on a pad of paper and then reluctantly scribbled a new methadone prescription for Syaoran with a slightly higher dosage. Syaoran thanked the doctor when he received it.

"I wasn't really worried yet. He'd just used his prescription a little early and needed a refill, but two days later, he called Dr. Ling again." The sadness and pain that permeated her voice deepened. Sakura listened nervously, sitting still as if even a heavy breath would interrupt Meiling's telling of the events.

"Has the pain gotten worse?" Dr. Ling asked.

"I need more pills." Syaoran ignored the question and gazed soullessly at the doctor.

"But the prescription I gave you-"

"Just give me more!" Syaoran cut off Dr. Ling's question angrily. Syaoran's glare was weakened and unfocused, but the haunted look he had was just as unnerving.

"I can't do that... I won't prescribe anymore opiates in your current state." he said calmly, trying not to aggravate Syaoran more than necessary.

"Just give them to me, or else!" Syaoran's voice hissed. He accentuated the dangling threat by grabbing the Doctor's collar, forcing him to look Syaoran in the eyes. The drug dilated pupils had shrunk to mere pinpricks of darkness that cut through the Doctor's resolve.

Even though Sakura had seen Syaoran's current state, she was having trouble believing that he would act like that. She knew him to be a protector, not a bully.

"Syaoran managed to force the doctor to write another prescription. Each one was supposed to last a month. That's when I really began to worry."

"You have to stop this," Meiling told him, "Don't you know what you're doing to yourself?"

"I'm making the pain go away," Syaoran replied dismissively. He also sounded irritated. Meiling got the impression that he wanted her to leave him alone, but that only angered her more.

"You're going to kill yourself. I don't care how strong you think you are, even you have limits." Meiling told him forcefully.

"It's not that bad. Just leave me alone." Syaoran said. He obviously didn't care what he was doing to himself, and there was nothing Meiling could do about it.

"It seemed so obvious to me, but I guess no one else really paid attention. After a week of this, he even stopped taking your calls. The letters you sent just sat unopened on his desk. I couldn't believe that no one else could see what he was doing."

Sakura realized that it must have been at the same time the ring had started to fade. The drugs had completely taken over his life to her exclusion. To know that the pills had taken over her place in his life hurt her, but she wasn't angry; she pitied him.

"When he collapsed, the clan finally took notice of his condition. Yelan called Dr. Ling. She wasn't happy."

"I'm not surprised that this has happened," Dr. Ling's eyelid's sagged with weariness. His voice had no hint of fear that he would lose his position. The situation he was in had been so stressful and had forced him to compromise his values so much that he was more worried about losing his medical license than his current job. There was no point in begging. "I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. After he forced all those prescriptions out of me in such a short time, I was sure that he would kill himself."

"Will he be alright?" The malice in her voice was only thinly disguised by the worry. Her glare bore ineffectively into the doctor who had already realized that he had made the wrong choice.

"He's handling it remarkably well, but even his body could not handle chemically-induced withdrawal right now. For now, we can only wait for him to recover on his own."

"That's when Yelan-sama asked you to look after him?" Sakura said. She had already heard this part of the story. It still felt so unreal, even though he was confirming the whole thing with his current state.

"Yes," Meiling confirmed, "I tried to make him comfortable. But nothing I did seemed to matter. I couldn't stand seeing him like that. A Li does not lay there drooling on his pillow. A Li is strong. A Li fights for control of himself. A Li doesn't let himself be controlled by a damn drug!" Meiling slammed her fist on the bedside table. A lamp was nearly bounced right off the table by the force of her blow. Meiling went silent for a few moments and took some deep breaths to calm herself before continuing the story.

Meiling wiped Syaoran's brow with a cool, damp cloth to remove the sweat. He looked so helpless and weak that Meiling could barely believe it was still him.

"This can't go on," Meiling began searching his room. "Sorry," Meiling said when she found the pills in a drawer, "This is for your own good."

Meiling marched into the bathroom and tilted the bottle over the toilet. She watched with satisfaction as the small capsules dropped into the porcelain appliance.

The bathroom door smashed into the tile of the wall as Syaoran burst angrily into the room. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Syaoran demanded.

"What I should have done a long time ago," Meiling replied defiantly. She flushed the toilet and the pills disappeared down the drain.

"Fucking bitch!" Meiling had never even considered that Syaoran might hit her and the blow took her by surprise. The punch knocked her down and she fell into the bath tub. The blow stunned her. Before she could move, Syaoran was on top her with his good arm pressing painfully down on her neck.

"It all happened too fast. I couldn't stop him. He told me how much pain he was in and that he needed the pills. I was left bleeding in the bath tub while he went off to get more pills to satisfy his cravings." Her face was blank and her tone monotonous as she told this part of the story.

"Meiling..." Sakura felt like Meiling wasn't saying everything. The memories of the ordeal must have been too painful for her. Sakura wanted to hold her future cousin-in-law and to cry with her. She knew that was the only way to help Meiling sort out the feelings she had about the attack. Instead, she placed her hand on Meiling's in a show of support and willed her to continue the story to the end. "It must have been terrible for you."

"I couldn't stay here anymore. I was afraid of what would happen..."

Sakura could feel Meiling's hand trembling, so she squeezed in reassuringly.

"He's not at his best right now. He's slow, his wits are dulled and his magic is pitifully weak. I could stop him, but I would have to hurt him... Badly," Meiling said, "I couldn't stay here anymore, so I got an apartment a few blocks from here. I also got a job at a cafe downtown. I'm not exactly a high priority for the clan anymore." She almost made the last sentence into a joke, but ended up sounding pitiful.

"You mean that your allowance has been cut off?" Sakura gasped. She couldn't believe that they would do that to her. She was practically a member of the main branch of the family.

"I've got a bit saved up and a job. Don't worry about me," Meiling forced a smile in an attempt to alleviate any concerns Sakura might have.

"You know that if you need anything... anything at all..." Sakura gently squeezed her hand again.

"I told you that I'm fine... It's Syaoran you have to worry about. He's not going to like this when he wakes up." Meiling warned. She stood up, appearing to have regained an air of confident superiority.

"I'll make sure he's alright. If... When he returns to normal, he'll forgive me."