Chapter Four: Just When I Worked up the Courage to Try, Much to My Surprise
"So … um … why did you decide to come back?" Ellie wondered, trying to get Sean to look at her, but he seemed so exhausted.
"Does it really matter?" He snapped as Ellie looked down, rubbing the rubber bands on her wrist.
"What do you want me to say to you Sean? I try to spend time with you and you choose Kendra instead and it seems like everyone else knows what's going on with you, but me. What is it?" Ellie asked, letting her mouth run off without her.
"Why does everything have to have an answer?" Sean busted out, standing up and nearly knocking the table over. "That's just what it is right now Ellie. Do you want me to just get up and leave?"
"You know that's not what I want," Ellie whispered, backing down and suppressing how she was feeling once again. She didn't want to do anything to make it worse than it already was.
Sean sat down quietly, beginning to calm down. He knew that returning to Degrassi would be hard, but he never thought they'd be so much pressure from everyone … Ellie, Emma … especially Ellie. He just didn't know how he felt about everything and didn't find it necessary to give her an hourly update on how he was feeling or what he was thinking.
"How's your food?" Sean wondered, dryly trying to make up for how he had been earlier.
"It's just food." Ellie bit her lip, unable to look at Sean again. She looked so detached and fragile. Sean knew that look all too well for it was the very look that she had given him the day he decided to return to Wasaga Beach.
"Ellie … I'm sorry." Sean apologized. "Things don't need to be tense between us. I just want you to be happy."
"Then promise not to ever leave me again."
"What's up Cameron?" Kendra wondered, picking up her phone on the first ring since she was so happy to here from him, and also glad that Manny had taken Spinner out somewhere. She was really going to have to start being nicer to that girl, even though both she and Spinner knew that he was only dating her for sex.
"Why is it that girls always make everything a big deal?" He wondered hurriedly with thoughts of Ellie still on his mind.
"Who's making what a big deal?"
"Just … everyone. I come back thinking that things are gonna be better, a little shaky, but cool and everyone just wants to ask me the same questions." Sean sighed.
"You mean Ellie?" Kendra asked as Sean nodded, like she could see him through the phone.
"I came back. Isn't that enough?" Sean continued. "Why is everything so difficult?"
"Because she actually means something to you. Unlike Amy, Ellie's worth it and you know it. I can see it and I know that she can too." Kendra spilled out sighing slowly. "You're totally worth waiting for and she'll be there to the end." And so will I, she added silently wishing that she could either get over Sean or get enough courage to say something to him about how she felt.
"I don't even know what she's thinking. I used to know, but now I don't."
"Just tell her how you feel. If your communication didn't suck, you wouldn't be calling me right now." Kendra joked, still wishing that Sean felt a fraction of whatever he felt for Ellie.
"Great advice Koki." Sean laughed to himself. "What am I going to do? Go up to Ellie and tell her that I love her? That I'm in love with her? That would freak her out--"
"Look. It's getting a little late and I've got …"
"Stuff to do." Sean finished for her with a sigh.
"I'll talk to you later, okay?" Kendra hung up before her voice could start cracking. Moments later the tears fell and she was crying herself to sleep. How could she compete with someone that he was in love with?
"Have you told him yet?" Manny questioned Kendra, seemingly more interested in Koki's love life than her own.
"No."
"Girl, what are you waiting for? Sean is totally a catch." Manny declared as she spotted him down the hallway.
"I've got nothing to say. I'm just waiting for this feeling to die out." Kendra sighed, looking down at the clothes Manny had mixed together for her between both of their closets. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe she should have—
"Hey Koki." Sean rushed up to her happily giving her a hug as Kendra tried to hide a blush.
'What was that for?" She wondered.
"Your advice from last night."
"Okay." Kendra shrugged.
"Whose closet did you raid?" He joked, referring to the mid-driff bearing shirt I was wearing.
"I've become Manny's new project--"
"Actually, it's my project and I'm just letting Manny be a part of it." Liberty chimed in coming from nowhere. Soon after the duo disappeared down the hallway.
"Okay." Kendra shook her head, grabbing Sean's hand and moving it closer so she could get a better look. "Your hands are disgusting."
"Then don't touch them." He yanked it back, looking to see what she was talking about. "I work on cars in my free time. What do you expect girlie hands?"
"I resent that." Kendra gave him a playful shove as they both turned and smiled at each other. As their gaze grew more intense, sacred more … obviously, Kendra searched for something to say that didn't have anything to do with the words, 'I love you.' She settled on football.
"You're coming to practice aren't you?" Kendra wondered with the backs of her hand touching his.
"Yeah, about that …" Sean's voice trailed off. "I can't." Kendra nodded as they stood in silence for a while, totally out of character for both of them. "I've got plans." Kendra nodded again as Sean continued talking.
"Are you okay? You usually give me the fifth degree about stuff like this. You got something to say Koki? Huh?"
Kendra looked around, anywhere but directly into his eyes … then she might actually tell him … "Sean I … I think I lo--" She shook her head firmly and snapped out of it. "Who the hell are you ditching me for now?" She wondered with spunk and hands on her hips.
"Emma. Good." Manny started, facing her once best friend head on. Although they now lived in the same household, both had developed a knack for avoiding the other. In fact, it was a true art.
Manny spent most of her time at the Mason's house and Emma made herself disappear even before Manny came back. And if they both happened to be there at the same time, it was normally when they were sleeping which meant … no face time.
"I'm surprised to hear those words out of your mouth." Emma responded, thinking about how Manny had abandoned her once she discovered that Emma Nelson, do-gooder extraordinaire had transformed into the 'ravine girl.'
"Yeah … I guess I shouldn't expect you to sound gracious or anything--"
"Of course not. You're not the one who started the anti-Peter campaign and asked her best friend to over stay her welcome at your house."
"I have other places that I can go to, other people to see." Manny shot back, wondering why this fighting seemed very pointless and aimless. "I actually want to ask your opinion on something."
"Ask one of your other friends."
"I need your opinion." Manny started to talk openly about the new sociology project she was working on with Liberty van Zant which involved evaluating socialized gender norms and their relation to attracting the opposite sex. In other words, she wanted to know if manish girls like Kendra stood a chance in the dating role vs. very feminine women like herself.
And like that, the two moved away from the extreme of going from best friends to best enemies in seconds to being two cordial acquaintances.
"Jimmy … there's something I need to tell you." Spinner practiced. Maybe saying this to himself would suffice. If he kept voicing it out loud, but just not to Jimmy or anyone else really, then he'd lose nothing.
It would be a double hitter. His conscious would be clear and no one would have to know that he had had a very vital and dangerous role in what unfolded the day of the school shooting.
(A/N: I'm trying to rebuild parts of this story from when I started it before. Review, stay with me and I hope you're enjoying the mega updates that I'm doing today. –NL)