The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 2
Continuing where Part 2 Part 1 left off, of course, just after Matthew Lewis comes out of the tunnel into Ciaran Hinds' pub.
INT. TUNNEL
MATTHEW LEWIS, DANIEL RADCLIFFE, EMMA WATSON, and RUPERT GRINT walk down a long dark tunnel.
RUPERT GRINT
Where the bloody hell does this go to?
MATTHEW LEWIS
To the Room That Can Be Anything. We've been hiding out in there cause the new lot running things are giving us hell every day.
EMMA WATSON
You mean Alan Rickman?
MATTHEW LEWIS
No, he's never around except for his scenes. The other two, EXTRAS PLAYING BAD BROTHER AND SISTER, two ugly gits. Got us playing pranks on first time child extras.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
They'll pay for that!
MATTHEW LEWIS
Not likely after you three took all the money in your salaries. Here we are.
They come to the end of the tunnel and MATTHEW opens another portrait into the Room That Can Be Anything.
INT. THE ROOM THAT CAN BE ANYTHING
DEVON MURRAY, ALFIE ENOCH, JESSIE CAVE, KATIE LEUNG, EVANNA LYNCH and a bunch of others whose name I can't remember and are not important are in the room.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Look who I found!
DEVON MURRAY
Daniel! Rupert! Emma! About bloody time you lot showed up. I've been sitting on me arse for weeks waiting for this scene!
They all start hugging each other and laughing and then RUPERT sees EVANNA.
RUPERT GRINT
How did you get here? You were at the House by the Sea!
EVANNA LYNCH
I know but Yates told me to be here because of some important exposition I need to deliver, so we'll just pretend like it's no big deal that I am here now even though I was a prisoner and escaped from the bad guys once already.
RUPERT GRINT
(confused)
Oh. Okay.
EMMA sees JESSIE CAVE, RUPERT'S girlfriend from movie 6.
EMMA WATSON
(cold)
Hello, Jessie.
JESSIE CAVE
(colder)
Hello, Emma. So…been on the road with Rupert, have you?
EMMA WATSON
Yes. And it was wonderful.
JESSIE CAVE
Was it? Did you two…you know?
EMMA WATSON
(smug)
We certainly did. Many times. And it was fantastic!
DEVON MURRAY
(to Rupert, aside)
Good one, mate. She's a right looker, she is.
JESSIE CAVE
He did it with me first though!
EMMA WATSON
(livid)
Liar! Rupert!
RUPERT GRINT
(awkward)
Well, ah…it…was…you didn't tell me how you felt so…you shagged some bloke in America too!
JESSIE CAVE
Told you so!
JESSIE then sticks her tongue out at EMMA. EMMA flips her the bird, two fingered like they do in merry old England.
EMMA WATSON
Tramp!
JESSIE CAVE
Slut!
EMMA screams and then grabs JESSIE by the hair and they start fighting.
ALFIE ENOCH
Girl fight!
DANIEL and RUPERT pull them apart.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That's not in the script or the book! We've got more important things to do.
EMMA and JESSIE stand there glowering at each other.
DEVON MURRAY
So, what's the plan, Dan.
ALFIE ENOCH
'Plan Dan'. It rhymes. Good one.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
We have to find something and it has to do with The House With The Smart People and its Founder.
EVANNA LYNCH
Well, there is her TIARA THAT'S BEEN LOST FOR CENTURIES.
KATIE LEUNG
But it's been lost. No one alive has seen it.
RUPERT GRINT
Excuse me, what's a bloody tiara?
KATIE LEUNG
It's like a diadem.
RUPERT GRINT
Got it. Like a small crown.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Where is it supposed to be at?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Don't know.
DEVON MURRAY
It ain't much to go on but I'm sure you lot will figure it out while all of us fight and die to give you time to get over your stupidity for coming here in the first place.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Er…thanks?
Just then BONNIE WRIGHT shows up.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Daniel!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(uninterested)
Oh, hey.
RUPERT nudges him.
RUPERT GRINT
You're supposed to be in love with her.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, right.
(to Bonnie)
Hello, luv. Alright?
BONNIE WRIGHT
Ah, yeah. So, Alan Rickman knows you were in the Village Near the Big Castle That is Now a School.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What?
DEVON MURRAY
The jig is up!
RUPERT GRINT
(looking at Emma)
What are we going to do?
EMMA WATSON
(furious)
Why ask me? Why don't you ask your first girlfriend?
RUPERT GRINT
Because you got the brains and I love you, not her!
EMMA WATSON
(beaming)
Really?
RUPERT GRINT
Really.
EMMA WATSON
Me, too!
They run into each others arms and hug and snog while JESSIE cries and everyone just stands there and waits.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Ahem.
DEVON MURRAY
Get a room already.
INT. BIG DINING ROOM IN THE BIG CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL – NIGHT
All the students are in ranks like soldiers. ALAN RICKMAN stands in front of them with the TWO EXTRAS PLAYING BAD BROTHER AND SISTER behind him. MAGGIE SMITH and JIM BROADBENT are by the students.
ALAN RICKMAN
(speaking normally)
Tonight…Daniel…Radcliffe…was…seen…near…the …school. If…anyone…has…knowledge…of….his…movements…come ...forth…...now.
No one moves. Then someone pushes DANIEL out into the middle of the hall. He seems asleep.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(yawning)
Sorry, Alan. Speech was too long. Ah…so…AHA! Here I am you sniveling piece of turd. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! And your security seems a little lax.
The doors open and EMMA WATSON, RUPERT GRINT, GEORGE HARRIS, MATTHEW LEWIS, JULIE WALTERS, MARK WILLIAMS, BONNIE WRIGHT, DAVID THWELIS, NATALIA TENA, CLEMANCEY POESY, BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON, OLIVER PHELPS, JAMES PHELPS, and CHRIS RANKIN stand there. Seems like an awful lot of them are gingers.
OLIVER PHELPS
(to Chris Rankin)
Where the bloody hell have you been the last few movies?
CHRIS RANKIN
They gave me no dialogue in film 5 and cut me out of six and seven part 1 altogether.
JAMES PHELPS
That's rough mate. Glad to have you back, even though your character is a prat.
OLIVER PHELPS
And you still don't get any dialogue.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Done catching up fellows? Okay?
(turns to Alan Rickman)
How dare you stand in this Big Dining Hall where Richard Harris and Michael Gambon once stood! Tell them how you killed Michael Gambon in movie 6!
ALAN RICKMAN pulls out his wand and everyone jumps back. Then MAGGIE SMITH comes forward and confronts ALAN RICKMAN. They duel and then the TWO EXTRAS PLAYING BAD BROTHER AND SISTER get zapped and we don't know if they are dead or just out of it and suddenly ALAN RICKMAN turns into a big black cloud of smoke and smashes a window and escapes.
MAGGIE SMITH
I've always wanted to do that spell!
JIM BROADBENT
Ah, Maggie that line is later.
MAGGIE SMITH
I don't care. They cut me from Part 1 so I am doing what I damn well please this time! Radcliffe! What do you need?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Time. I have to find something but I don't know what it looks like or where it is. I'm following Michael Gambon's instructions.
MAGGIE SMITH
Good enough for me.
Suddenly RALPH FIENNES voice booms over everything.
RALPH FIENNES (V.O.)
I KNOW DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS IN THERE. GIVE HIM TO ME AND YOU CAN ALL HAVE MILK AND COOKIES AND GO BACK TO BED. YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.
RUPERT GRINT
Milk and cookies? That sounds good.
EMMA smacks him and glares at him.
RUPERT GRINT
What? I'm hungry!
SCARLETT BYRNE
There's Daniel Radcliffe! Somebody grab him and we can all have milk and cookies and go back to bed!
BONNIE WRIGHT pulls out her wand and zaps SCARLETT BYRNE unconscious.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Stay away from my man, you bitch!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Sweet!
JULIE WALTERS
(to Bonnie)
That's my line! Sort of.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Sorry, Mum. I just hate her. She pulled my hair when we in class in one of the earlier movies.
DAVID BRADLEY
Students are out of bed!
MAGGIE SMITH
Of course they are. We are about to have a big battle and many of them will die.
DAVID BRADLEY
I want overtime if you expect me to clean up after!
EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT
MAGGIE SMITH and many others walk out the doors. MAGGIE turns to MATTHEW.
MAGGIE SMITH
Blow up the bridge.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Which bridge? There's the wooden one that's been in most of the movies and then there is the stone one we've had glimpses of in the past but now is there between the NEW CLIFF and THE BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD.
MAGGIE SMITH
The wooden one. We'll leave the other one intact so those enemies that can't fly can get into the school and can give us a proper old battle.
MATTHEW LEWIS
How do I do it?
MAGGIE SMITH
Call the special effects department, of course. Devon is on good terms with them after getting blown up in almost every movie.
DEVON MURRAY
Come on, Matt. It'll be grand!
They run off. Now JULIE WALTERS and WARWICK DAVIS stand by MAGGIE SMITH.
MAGGIE SMITH
(surprised)
Warwick! I thought you were killed off earlier.
WARWICK DAVIS
That was my other character, the evil money grubbing goblin. Now I play the diminutive but powerful charms professor.
JULIE WATERS
I hope they paid you double.
WARWICK DAVIS
Not much left after You-Know-Who got paid.
JULIE WALTERS
You mean Ralph Fiennes?
WARWICK DAVIS
No. I mean Radcliffe, Watson, and Grint. Half the budget went on their salaries.
MAGGIE SMITH
They are the stars. Oh, well. Now to work.
MAGGIE speaks a bunch of Latin words and a lot of CGI STONE KNIGHTS come out of the stonework and start marching for the stone bridge.
JULIE WALTERS
Now it's time for your funny line.
MAGGIE SMITH
I said it already. The fun is all gone. Okay, let's make a Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light surrounding the school that can only be broken with lots of magic.
A bunch of professors get out their wands and make a Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light.
EXT. NEW CLIFF – NIGHT
RALPH FIENNES, HELENA BONHAM CARTER, JASON ISSACS, HELEN MCCRORY, and many EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS stand and watch as the Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light covers the school.
EXTRA PLAYING A DEATH EATER
My Lord, we should attack before it is complete.
RALPH FIENNES
No, no, no! I said one hour and I always keep my word, don't I? Didn't I say to so and so I would kill him if he crossed me? Well, he crossed me and now he is dead! I always keep my word! What kind of evil lord would I be if no one could trust me? And who's got the milk and cookies? Everything must be perfect for when they surrender.
INT. BIG LONG STAIRCASE – NIGHT
Many EXTRAS PLAYING STUDENTS run around with no purpose as DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT come up the stairs.
EMMA WATSON
Dan! Wait! What's the good of finding the Tiara That's Been Lost for Centuries if we can't destroy it?
RUPERT GRINT
That little git Warwick took the sword we used to destroy the locket.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
We have to find another way.
RUPERT GRINT
Wait! You destroyed The Diary That Makes No Sense in movie 2 with the Big Snake Fang.
EMMA WATSON
That's right! I bet there are more of those fangs in the Dark Cavern Under the Big Castle That is Now a School!
RUPERT GRINT
We'll go destroy the Cup With A Bit of He Who was In the …
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
You can say his name now. He knows we are here and he is going to try to kill us.
RUPERT GRINT
Oh, right. So this Cup With…Ralph Fiennes Bit of Soul In It, we'll destroy it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Good. But take The Map That Fills in Many Plot Holes with you so you know where I am and it won't look stupid when you suddenly appear and rescue me.
DANIEL hands over the map and then runs up the stairs. EVANNA LYNCH follows him.
EVANNA LYNCH
Daniel Radcliffe you stop and listen to me!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Okay.
EVANNA LYNCH
You have to go find KELLY MACDONALD's ghost. She knows where the tiara is. It belonged to her mother.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Kelly McDonald? I thought Kate Winslet got the part.
EVANNA LYNCH
No, she turned it down. Won her Oscar and now she is too good for a little role in our big movie which is going to break all box office records on its opening weekend.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Think so?
EVANNA LYNCH
Hope so.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That would be fantastic. Okay, I'll go find Kelly MacDonald.
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
The ghost of KELLY MACDONALD floats through the halls.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Are you Kelly MacDonald?
KELLY MACDONALD
Yes. But call me Kelly please. You're looking for my mother's Tiara That Was Lost For Centuries.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Yes, Kelly. I want to destroy it.
KELLY MACDONALD
Another boy came many years ago and said the same thing except he was lying. He filled it with Dark Magic!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I know. I need to destroy it to destroy him.
KELLY MACDONALD
You will find it in the Place Where Things Are Hidden.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What?
KELLY MACDONALD
It's a room, where people have hidden things for centuries.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
In this castle?
KELLY MACDONALD
(impatient)
Yes, you nitwit! God, you are much slower than he was. Actually, you have seen the tiara in book six. When you hid that Book That Made You Smarter than Emma.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, you mean when I kissed Bonnie for the first time. There was no tiara.
KELLY MACDONALD
No, no, no! That was the movie. In the book. Think!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh. I know! That's where Tom and I hid and…we…nevermind!
KELLY MACDONALD
What did you and Tom do?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Got to go. Thanks!
INT. DARK CAVERN ENTRANCE
RUPERT and EMMA stand before a big door with many snakes on it.
RUPERT GRINT
Hissy, wissy, wussy, woo, open for me like you did for that specky geek Radcliffe!
EMMA WATSON
Rup, I don't think…
But then the snakes start moving and the door opens.
RUPERT GRINT
Dan talks in his sleep sometimes. So I heard the beginning part and just added on the ending for fun.
EMMA WATSON
(rolling eyes)
Oh, that makes sense.
(under breath)
Kloves is an idiot!
INT. DARK CAVERN
It's all green and has water everywhere. The bones of the BIG SNAKE from movie 2 are at the end.
RUPERT GRINT
What the hell is all the green?
EMMA WATSON
Green screen for the CGI they will add later. Come on.
They climb down and RUPERT goes to the Big Snake and gets a fang.
RUPERT gives it to EMMA.
RUPERT GRINT
You haven't destroyed one yet. Your turn.
EMMA WATSON
You do it. I can't.
RUPERT GRINT
No bloody way! Last time I did it…it was awful!
EMMA WATSON
What happened?
RUPERT GRINT
You and Dan came out of it and he tried to kiss you but you didn't let him.
EMMA WATSON
That's not so bad.
RUPERT GRINT
Was worse in the book. Let's do this.
EMMA takes the Cup out of her bag with no bottom and places it on the floor. She raises the Big Snake Fang and hits it. It goes spinning away, lots of water rises up they get soaking wet and then look at each other and grab each other and have THE KISS EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING TEN YEARS FOR.
DAVID YATES (O.S.)
Wonderful! Cut!
(pause)
Cut!...I said cut! Rupert! Emma!
RUPERT GRINT
(muffled)
Bugger off.
Finally they break THE KISS and EMMA turns to YATES.
EMMA WATSON
(to Yates)
The fans want a long slow smooch, close up, showing lips touching, and sounds of smacking so don't screw this up in post-production!
DAVID YATES (O.S.)
No worries!
RUPERT GRINT
They will screw it up. I just got this feeling. And I know we are going to be talking about this KISS for the next two years until the movie comes out.
End of part 2. Part 3 coming soon.