The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 3
Continuing the story, it is just after Rupert and Emma had their big kiss and the action continues elsewhere.
EXT. WOODEN BRIDGE – NIGHT
MATTHEW LEWIS stands on the end of the bridge looking toward the forest. Suddenly hordes of screaming EXTRAS PLAYING SNATCHERS led by NICK MORAN come running to the bridge. The first three hit the Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light and get fried and the rest stop.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Yeah? You and…no, I can't say it, it's too cheesy and makes no sense.
EXT. NEW CLIFF – NIGHT
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
My Lord, the scum Snatchers have stopped their attack. The Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light is too powerful.
RALPH FIENNES
Nothing is more powerful than me! I mean us! I mean, when we are all together being bad and evil. Oh, you know what I mean. ATTACK!
Hundreds of EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS launch CGI Balls of Light from their wands and they rain down on the Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light like an artillery barrage. Then RALPH FIENNES uses The Most Powerful Wand in the World on the Dome and it starts to crumble, but the wand also starts to crack.
RALPH FIENNES
(looking at wand)
What's this? That never happened when Richard Harris or Michael Gambon used it! John Hurt said it was The Most Powerful Wand in the World! He lied! I need to go think over a few things. Helena, send everyone in to attack and possibly get killed while I go have some me time.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Yes, my Lord.
RALPH FIENNES
Come, Big Snake.
Then RALPH FIENNES and his BIG SNAKE disappear in a flash.
EXT. WOODEN BRIDGE – NIGHT
NICK MORAN
I'll have yer guts fer garters when this Dome cracks!
MATTHEW LEWIS
Oh yeah!
NICK MORAN
Yeah!
MATTHEW LEWIS
I'm a shivering already.
NICK MORAN
Yeah!
MATTHEW LEWIS
Scaredy cat!
NICK MORAN
Oh, yeah!
MATTHEW LEWIS
There's a thesaurus up in the school. "Yeah" is under "y", as in "why" don't you have a bigger vocabulary! I'll wait.
NICK MORAN
Oh…Oh…yeah!
The Dome crumbles and then NICK MORAN and all the EXTRAS PLAYING SNATCHERS run after MATTHEW.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Well, come and get me!
MATTHEW runs away across the bridge, but then NICK MORAN stops and they all stop behind him.
NICK MORAN
Wait! What did the book say about this scene? Is it safe to cross the bridge?
AN EXTRA PLAYING A SNATCHER takes out book seven and thumbs through it quickly.
SNATCHER
Ah, er, it's not in the book! They made it up for the movie!
NICK MORAN
Who's that kid?
SNATCHER
Don't know. Not one of the three heroes that's fer sure.
ANOTHER SNATCHER
I know him! That's Lewis! He's bin a coward most of the movies and books!
NICK MORAN
Alright. Must be safe. They wouldn't suddenly make a hero out of nobody, especially not when they built him up as a coward this whole time. That'd be breaking the rules of screenplay writing. CHARGE!
They all run across the bridge and it BLOWS UP and they fall to their deaths.
NICK MORAN
(screaming)
Kloves and Yates tricked ussssssss…(splat).
MATTHEW LEWIS
YEAH!
EXT. THE STONE BRIDGE – NIGHT
Hundreds of EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS and some CGI GIANTS attack the Stone Bridge where many CGI STONE KNIGHTS guard it. A wicked battle ensues in which you can barely make out exactly what is going on, especially in 3D.
Many EXPLOSIONS rock the Big Castle That is Now a School and many things get blown up and fall down. Lots of things happen and many people get hurt and some die and…well, just go see the movie when it comes out and you'll see for yourself.
INT. STAIRWAY – NIGHT
DANIEL runs into MATTHEW and BONNIE.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Where's Evanna? I want to snog her.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Wait. That's not in the books.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
It's just a pathetic attempt at humor and romance.
MATTHEW LEWIS
I don't care. I get to kiss a girl! Whooppeee!
He runs off leaving DANIEL and BONNIE alone.
BONNIE WRIGHT
You're supposed to kiss me now.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
If I must.
They kiss and it looks embarrassingly amateurish compared to EMMA and RUPERT's kiss. BONNIE stares at DANIEL.
BONNIE WRIGHT
I know.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Sorry? What do you know?
BONNIE WRIGHT
Your secret. The reason why you're a terrible kisser and you and I have no chemistry on screen.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Because you're a terrible actress?
BONNIE WRIGHT
NO! Because you love someone else. Tom Felton!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That's a lie! Tom and I are just friends.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Pathetic.
She walks away from him.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(shouting after her)
And you're a terrible kisser!
She turns back, eyes blazing.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Takes one to know one! Katie Leung warned me about you!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
She said I was a great kisser!
BONNIE WRIGHT
(smirking)
They told her to tell you that!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(shattered)
Secrets and lies, everywhere secrets and lies! I need to go kill something. Or at least end this foolish scene.
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
RUPERT and EMMA, both very wet and happy looking, walk and look at the Map That Fills In Many Plot Holes.
EMMA WATSON
(pointing to map)
Look! There's me and you.
RUPERT GRINT
Oh cool. What happens to us on the Map when we snog?
They kiss and look at the Map at the same time.
EMMA WATSON
Oh, that was so awesome. It's like our names and footprints joined as one.
RUPERT GRINT
Yeah.
EMMA WATSON
(glum)
Well, guess we better find Daniel.
RUPERT GRINT
Do we have to? He's always after you. And now me, too!
EMMA WATSON
I know. Little pervert! But, he is the hero and we're the sidekicks so… Let's look. Ok. Oh, there he is…wait…he disappeared.
RUPERT GRINT
I bet he went into the Room That Can Be Anything. The Map doesn't show that room.
EMMA WATSON
That's highly logical. Why didn't I get that line?
RUPERT GRINT
Guess they wanted to make me look a little smarter so no one thinks it's foolish for us two to be a couple.
EMMA WATSON
Brilliant!
INT. PLACE WHERE THINGS ARE HIDDEN
DANIEL enters the Room That Can be Anything which is now the PLACE WHERE THINGS ARE HIDDEN. It's piled high with the junk of centuries. Of course, in just a few moments in the midst of all this junk he finds the Tiara That Has Been Lost for Centuries.
DANIEL has just pick up the tiara when he hears someone. It's TOM FELTON, JOSH HERDMAN, and LOUIS CORDICE.
TOM FELTON
Well, well, if it isn't Daniel Radcliffe, all alone.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Hello, Tom, Josh, and…sorry, who are you?
LOUIS CORDICE
Louis. I was on the House With a Snake for a Symbol's Game That's Played on Broomsticks Team in movie 6.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, right. You were on the train, too. But…where's Jamie Waylett?
TOM FELTON
Got busted for possession so they kicked him off the movie.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Too bad. I wanted to see him die.
JOSH HERDMAN
Now I get to die. But you first!
TOM FELTON
Steady on, Josh. Lots of time for that. First, I want my wand back.
JOSH HERDMAN
He's got your wand? Whose do you got now?
TOM FELTON
My mother's.
JOSH and LOUIS start laughing.
JOSH HERDMAN
Your mother's? Bloody hell, Tom. And how did Radcliffe get yours?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I took it off him at his house the other night.
JOSH HERDMAN
You invited him over? You never invited me!
TOM FELTON
Not my type. I mean…he was our prisoner.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Speaking of which, you knew it was me. Why didn't you tell them?
TOM FELTON
He would have killed you.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Isn't that what you want?
TOM FELTON
How can you say that when you know how I feel? I mean…he's going to kill us! My whole family even if he wins. You're the only one who can stop him.
JOSH and LOUIS give TOM odd looks.
LOUIS CORDICE
What's he playing at?
JOSH HERDMAN
(mad)
I don't know but enough talk. WOBBLY LIGHTSABERS!
He shoots magic at DANIEL, who ducks and the tiara gets hit and goes flying up into some furniture.
EMMA WATSON (O.S.)
RAMARAMADINGDONG!
EMMA and RUPERT come running from behind some furniture. Magic flies out of her wand and knocks TOM's wand out of his hand.
TOM FELTON
Not again!
JOSH HERDMAN
ZOLTRON!
Magic flies at EMMA but she ducks.
RUPERT GRINT
(mad as hell)
THAT'S MY MAIN SQUEEZE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
Magic flies from his wand and then RUPERT charges after the other three screaming like a madman and they run from him.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Laying it on a bit thick, isn't he?
EMMA WATSON
(annoyed)
At least he doesn't have to act like he loves me. Speaking of which, where's Bonnie?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Who? Oh, right. Er, just saw her. She's fine. Had us a little snog, too. Boy, I hope Rupert doesn't hurt Tom.
EMMA just shakes her head and rolls her eyes.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Come on, help me find my tiara.
EMMA and DANIEL climb a bunch of furniture, fight off a hoard of expensive CGI PIXIES that serve no purpose, get the tiara back but then RUPERT comes screaming back toward them.
RUPERT GRINT
(yelling)
Josh set the bloody place on fire!
Big balls of CGI FIRE chase them all over the place until they find some brooms, jump on and fly away. JOSH falls into some fire and dies, and his face looks very odd and it's hard to tell it's really him. TOM and LOUIS have very little reaction to his death and then climb some furniture above the flames. DANIEL spots them on the furniture.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
TOM!
TOM FELTON
DAN! SAVE ME!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I'M COMING, TOM!
RUPERT GRINT
(to Emma)
Bet he said that a lot to him. DAN! If we die saving your boyfriend I'm going to kill you even though it will ruin the rest of the movie!
They swoop in and save TOM and LOUIS and then all five of them fly out the doors and tumble off their brooms. RUPERT punches TOM and he hits the ground.
TOM FELTON
(whimpering)
What was that for?
RUPERT GRINT
Cause you're a snarky little git and it was in the book and should be in the movie, too!
TOM FELTON
(to Daniel)
Are you just going to let him hit me?
RUPERT GRINT
Hiding behind your man now, are you?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I told you he's not my boyfriend.
TOM FELTON
(in tears)
Liar! After all those times we spent in this room.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(embarrassed)
He's delusional!
EMMA and RUPERT and LOUIS
Yeah, right.
TOM FELTON
That's it! I'm going to hide for the rest of the battle!
He and LOUIS disappear in clouds of black smoke.
RUPERT GRINT
I thought you couldn't do that in the school.
EMMA WATSON
In this movie you can. Alan Rickman already did it earlier. Let's destroy that tiara.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
How?
RUPERT pulls out a bunch of Big Snake Fangs.
RUPERT GRINT
With these.
DANIEL takes one and smashes it into the tiara on the floor. A bunch of CGI smoke comes out of it and speaks in RALPH FIENNES voice.
RALPH FIENNES (V.O.)
Daniel Radcliffe! I know your heart. You and Tom are in lo…
But DANIEL kicks it into the flames of the Place Where Things Are Hidden and it is destroyed.
EMMA WATSON
What was he going to say?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Nothing. Let's go!
RUPERT GRINT
Wait! What's left? You destroyed the Diary That Makes No Sense in movie 2.
EMMA WATSON
And Michael Gambon destroyed the ring in movie 6. We got rid of the locket, the cup, and now the tiara. That's five. How many did he make?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Six, I think. The Big Snake has got to be the last one.
RUPERT GRINT
But it never leaves his side. We've got to find him. Dan, look into his head.
DANIEL closes his eyes and sees RALPH FIENNES in a BOATHOUSE NEVER MENTIONED IN BOOKS OR MOVIES and sees RALPH talking to JASON ISAACS.
INT. BOAT HOUSE NEVER MENTIONED IN THE BOOKS OR MOVIES – NIGHT
RALPH FIENNES talks to a simpering JASON ISAACS.
JASON ISAACS
My Lord. Why don't we call off the battle and find Radcliffe?
RALPH FIENNES
NO! And why haven't you been in the fight? Afraid?
JASON ISAACS
No, my Lord. You took my wand and it was destroyed by Radcliffe.
RALPH FIENNES
Oh yes, in Part 1. Why didn't the props department give you a new wand?
JASON ISAACS
Too busy making them for everyone else. I tried to buy a copy of mine on E-Bay but they wanted 500 pounds! Outrageous!
RALPH FIENNES
Yes, quite ridiculous the trade in movie memorabilia. As if these people had nothing better to do with their lives than sit around collecting things and writing foolish stories. But I quibble. This wand I took from Michael Gambon is supposed to be the Most Powerful Wand in the World, but something is wrong with it.
JASON ISAACS
Perhaps if you give it to me…
RALPH FIENNES
NO! You are pathetic. Wandless fool! How can you live with yourself!
JASON ISAACS
Wake up in the morning, remember I am just an actor, then go to makeup and hair and costume and here I am. The only trouble is the wig. It's quite heavy.
RALPH FIENNES
At least you get to keep your nose.
JASON ISAACS
About Radcliffe, my Lord. What should we do?
RALPH FIENNES
Nothing. Radcliffe will come to me when I want him, too. But I must be prepared. Bring Alan Rickman to me. Now.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
The Big Snake is with Ralph Fiennes. He's in the boathouse.
EMMA WATSON
The what?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
The boathouse. Do you know where it is?
RUPERT GRINT
There's no bloody boathouse at the school. You must mean the Most Haunted Building in All of Britain. That's where we go next in the book!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No, they changed it. There's a boathouse now.
RUPERT GRINT
I bet it's near the water.
EMMA looks like she wants to roll her eyes again but forces herself to stop.
EMMA WATSON
Brilliant. Now we just have to fight our way out of the school and almost get killed to get there.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Why don't we just flash away there like Tom did and all these flying piles of black smoke are doing?
EMMA WATSON
Less dramatic.
EXT. THE BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – NIGHT
A massive battle rages between EXTRAS PLAYING STUDENTS, EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS, and two CGI GIANTS.
DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA dash across the battlefield, blocking spells, avoiding CGI Giants and CGI Spiders, blasting enemies, almost dying. They come across DAVID LEGENO biting JESSIE CAVE'S neck.
EMMA WATSON
Give her a good bite for me, too!
Then they move away as JESSIE gets killed. Then as they head outside the courtyard a hundred or so CGI SPOOKY SCAREY THINGS come floating across the Stone Bridge but CIARAN HIINDS blasts them with lots of CGI blue light and they get zapped and run away.
DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT climb down a long set of stairs and head to the Boathouse Never Mentioned in the Books or Movies. They crouch down outside as RALPH FIENNES talks to ALAN RICKMAN.
INT. THE BOATHOUSE NEVER MENTIONED IN THE BOOKS OR MOVIES – NIGHT
RALPH FIENNES
Why does this wand continue to resist me and not do the badass powerful magic I want it to do?
ALAN RICKMAN
My…Lord…you…have …done…
RALPH FIENNES
(impatient)
Oh, for heaven's sake, Alan! Talk like a normal person, not some sinister cheap horror movie madman! That's my role in this movie!
ALAN RICKMAN
Forgive me, my Lord. You have done wonderful magic with this wand. I don't see the problem. John Hurt said it is the Most Powerful Wand in the World.
RALPH FIENNES
Yes, but am I its rightful owner?
ALAN RICKMAN
Of course, my Lord. You took it from Michael Gambon.
RALPH FIENNES
But you killed him in movie 6! So now you must die!
ALAN RICKMAN
Wait!
RALPH FIENNES
Oh, for goodness sake, what is it now?
ALAN RICKMAN
Just need a moment to prepare…yes, I am ready. Kill me.
RALPH FIENNES slashes ALAN RICKMAN's throat with some magic and then his BIG SNAKE jabs at ALAN many times, striking him in his sensitive spots and drawing out lots of internal liquids, mostly red and white. Then RALPH and his BIG SNAKE disappear.
DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT enter the Boathouse. ALAN is dying.
ALAN RICKMAN
Take my tears in a glass vial and go to the BOWL OF MEMORIES in Michael Gambon's office in the school and see my memories.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What will they tell me?
ALAN RICKMAN
All of the secrets things you need to know. Look at me. You have your mother's eyes…no, not really. Yours are blue and in the book hers are green and the young actress playing her in my memories has big brown eyes.
RUPERT GRINT
You'd think after all the money they spent on CGI they could have least gotten that part right.
EMMA WATSON
Rupert! Be more sensitive! He's dying!
RUPERT GRINT
He's been nothing but an evil git to us for seven movies. Sorry if I don't shed a tear, Alan.
ALAN RICKMAN
Understandable. Now I must die.
He dies. Suddenly RALPH FIENNES voice booms out.
RALPH FIENNES (V.O.)
I guess you don't want milk and cookies after all. Too bad. Now count your dead and take a break for a while because Daniel has to go look at Alan's memories. When you are done Daniel please join me in the forest where I will kill you, there's a good lad. Toodles for now.
End of Part 3. Part 4 coming soon.