The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 5
Continuing where out story left off Daniel Radcliffe has just been killed by Ralph Fiennes. Or has he?
INT. BIG WHITE ROOM
DANIEL RADCLIFFE wakes up on the floor of the BIG WHITE ROOM. He stands and sees something vile under a bench. It's RALPH FIENNES AS A BLOODY FETUS.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Ralph! What happened to you?
RALPH FIENNES AS A BLOODY FETUS
This is the piece of my soul that was in you that came here to die. Or is it what I will become if I die without remorse? I can't remember.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Neither can I. That part was never clear in the books, not to me anyway. Ah, here comes someone who might be able to answer that question.
MICHAEL GAMBON appears.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Daniel, you brave, brave boy, taking on this role and continuing it for ten years, even though you have been vilified as a terrible actor in all the reviews in all of the movies.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
At least it's a big paycheck. And besides, any 10-year-old kid would look stiff and lost in front of the greatest English actors of all time, so give me a break.
RALPH FIENNES AS A BLOODY FETUS
Yeah, give him a break.
MICHAEL GAMBON
Fair enough.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(referring to Ralph)
What is that supposed to be?
MICHAEL GAMBON
You two don't know? I was hoping you could tell me. Nevermind. Let's walk.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Where are we?
MICHAEL GAMBON
Stage 5, Leavesden Studios, Watford, Hertfordshire, England.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh, right. So…I was a Horcrux, wasn't I?
MICHAEL GAMBON
Yes. I suppose you got my message from Alan Rickman.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Message? No, I saw it in his memories after he died. What message?
MICHAEL GAMBON
Oh, dear. He was supposed to send you a message after I died, explaining all of that and why he killed me. I guess he figured you couldn't act well enough for everyone to believe you still hated him so he kept that to himself. A wise move on his part.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
One more jab at my acting abilities. Nice. So...I have to go back to the forest and face Ralph Fiennes and maybe die for real this time, don't I?
MICHAEL GAMBON
That's up to you. But make up your mind because lunch break is soon.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Right. But, his Big Snake is still there and he has the Most Powerful Wand in the World.
MICHAEL GAMBON
True. But you will always have help if you ask for it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Help? From who?
MICHAEL GAMBON
The school. For whoever deserves it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
That doesn't make sense!
MICHAEL GAMBON
I just stand where they tell me to and read the lines they give me. Oh, and one more thing. Pity Bonnie Wright, because it is very obvious you don't love her. Toodles.
He disappears.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Now what do I do? I guess I just have to trust that Kloves and Yates can get me out of this jam without screwing it up with some stupid thing like Ralph not checking if I am really dead or not.
DAVID YATES (O.S.)
That's not our fault, that's how it was written by JKR!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Just say cut and let's get to the next scene already. All this white is hurting my eyes that aren't like my mother's.
EXT. FOREST – NIGHT
DANIEL lays on the ground as RALPH FIENNES also lays on the ground nearby. He glares at HELENA BONHAM CARTER.
RALPH FIENNES
Well, don't just stand there! Give your Lord a hand up!
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Yes, my Lord!
She helps him up and then he pushes her to the ground.
RALPH FIENNES
Oops! So sorry.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
(under breath)
Jackass.
RALPH FIENNES
What was that?
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I said you have a nice ass, my Lord.
RALPH FIENNES
Damn straight I do. Now, is the boy alive or dead? Someone check him.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
You should check him yourself, my Lord, to make sure.
RALPH FIENNES
I don't have time for such petty details! Beside it would ruin the whole book, series, and movie franchise!
ROBBIE COLTRANE
Don't call it a franchise! A franchise is a place where you get a burger and fries!
RALPH FIENNES
Enough! Someone be kind enough to check if the poor lad is dead, pretty please with a cherry on top!
HELEN MCCRORY
I'll do it, my Lord.
She walks toward DANIEL and bends over him.
HELEN MCCRORY
Are you dead?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(quiet)
No.
HELEN MCCRORY
Oh, thank goodness. Tom will be so happy.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What?
HELEN MCCRORY
You must know he loves you!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I had an inkling.
HELEN MCCRORY
Excellent. We'll have a nice big gay wedding and..but wait. Do you love him?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What happens if I say no?
HELEN MCCRORY
I'll tell Ralph you are still alive.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(grudgingly)
I guess I love him.
HELEN MCCRORY
Welcome to the family!
RALPH FIENNES
Excuse me…excuse me! Are you having a conversation with a dead person? Is he dead or not?
HELEN MCCRORY
Dead!
ROBBIE COLTRANE howls in anguish, RALPH and his gang jump for joy and have a big bonfire and dance and drink until dawn. Meanwhile, DANIEL lies there and no one realizes he is not dead.
EXT. BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – DAWN
MATTHEW LEWIS limps along piles of broken masonry and stones. He finds the OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT and picks it up.
MATTHEW LEWIS
What's this doing here?
OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT
None of your damn business, you %&#(*%! Piece of *(&^%$, mother&^%$##, $%^hole!
MATTHEW LEWIS
(shocked)
What was that for?
OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT
I'm the Old Dirty Talking Hat! I'm old and I talk dirty!
MATTHEW LEWIS
That's just a description of what you look like.
OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT
Oh. OOOOUUUUCHHHHH!
MATTHEW LEWIS
What's the matter?
OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT
Something sharp and pointy just stabbed me *&*^%$# innards!
Then MATTHEW sees RALPH FIENNES and his gang coming across the Stone Bridge with ROBBIE COLTRANE carrying DANIEL RADCLIFFE's not dead body. Soon everyone who is still standing is facing each other across the courtyard.
BONNIE WRIGHT
Matthew, who is that Robbie is carrying?
RALPH FIENNES
DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS DEAD!
Silence.
DAVID YATES (O.S.)
Bonnie…your line.
BONNIE WRIGHT
No.
DAVID YATES (O.S.)
With more feeling.
BONNIE WRIGHT
No, sorry, David, I can't do it. It's a lie and I won't be part of it anymore.
TOM FELTON
NOOOOOOO! He can't be dead!
Everyone looks at him oddly.
TOM FELTON
What?
JASON ISAACS
Tom. Get over here now.
HELEN MCCRORY
It's all right Tom, everything is alright. Mommy knows the truth, she will tell you. Please come over.
Reluctantly TOM moves toward them. RALPH gives him a creeping looking hug.
RALPH FIENNES
Well done, Tom. we'll find you another 'friend', not to worry.
TOM FELTON
(under his breath)
Piss off.
Then he runs to his fictional movie parents and they give him a hug.
RALPH FIENNES
Well, that's one. Who else will join my ranks? Or die!
MATTHEW LEWIS approaches them and everyone laughs at him.
RALPH FIENNES
And who might you be?
MATTHEW LEWIS
Your worse FUCKING NIGHTMARE!
He pulls the Sword of One of the Founder's of the Castle That is Now a School out of the Old Dirty Talking Hat and all hell breaks loose.
DANIEL is not dead and he jumps out of ROBBIE's arms, fires spells at the BIG SNAKE but it doesn't die. Everyone cheers except BONNIE.
RALPH FIENNES
NOOOOOO! He's supposed to be dead! It's not fair! Why won't he die!
RALPH'S gang starts running and flying away.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
FIGHT, YOU COWARDS! Get back here and fight!
TOM struggles to break free of his fictional parents.
TOM FELTON
I need to help Dan!
HELEN MCCRORY
No, you can't help him now! He must fight this battle alone. Don't worry, he's the hero, he will win. Come, let's get out of the way. Jason, are you coming?
JASON ISAACS
Yes. All these years wearing this silly wig are finally over.
He rips off the wig and they walk across the Stone Bridge.
Meanwhile ROBBIE is going batshit on all the bad guys who had him tied up. He's punching them left and right and throwing them around in a scene that should have been in the movie.
The rest of the two sides are going at it with each other, making dramatic wand movements that will be filled in with CGI later.
DANIEL sees RUPERT and EMMA.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Where have you been?
RUPERT GRINT
Getting in one last shag before the big fight. We knew you weren't really dead.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Good one. ARRGGGGHHHH!
He gets hit with a blast of CGI something and flies back into the school. GEORGE HARRIS blocks many CGI spells by the front door.
GEORGE HARRIS
What now, Daniel?
EMMA WATSON
What's the plan!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I'll fight Ralph and you guys kill his Big Snake!
Then the fight moves inside. Lots of CGI blasts and explosions later and a few jarring edits and they can't kill the Big Snake and DANIEL and RALPH go flying around the castle and at one time even seem to merge and look like the Joker from Batman, and then face off against each other in the courtyard alone. They shout at each other as two CGI WAND BLASTS connect together!
RALPH FIENNES
You will never be as good an actor as me!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I don't care! You'll never make as much money as me!
RALPH FIENNES
I'm not in it for the money, you hack!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
And I'm not in it for the awards, you douche bag!
DANIEL and RALPH
LIAR!
RALPH FIENNES
My wand is better than yours!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
But it's not working properly, is it?
RALPH FIENNES
How do you know that?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I read ahead to the last chapter in the book! The Most Powerful Wand in the World owes its loyalty to me!
RALPH FIENNES
That's just silly!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
This is a fantasy series of books and movies that takes a vivid stretch of the imagination if it is all going to make sense! And by the way, I win and you die!
RALPH FIENNES
Curses! Maybe Kloves changed the ending! Maybe I'm the one that lives and you die!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What? And risk pissing off the fans! You've got to be joking!
RALPH FIENNES
(to himself)
He's right. But I still have my Big Snake!
INT. BIG DINNING HALL – DAWN
Battle rages all around the dead and wounded. MATTHEW wakes up and sees the sword on the floor just as an EXTRA PLAYING a DEATHEATER ON FIRE goes sailing past him. Cool. BONNIE WRIGHT almost get's zapped by HELENA BONHAM CARTER. JULIE WALTERS jumps in.
JULIE WALTERS
Not my daughter, you bitch! (author's note: that line is just too good not to include as is)
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Bitch, is it! Old slag!
They duel back and forth and both wrench their backs making violent wand movements.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
(in pain)
Stop, stop. Sorry, David, my backs gone out!
JULIE WALTERS
(grimacing)
Mine, too. Stunt doubles, please!
Their STUNT DOUBLES finish the scene and then HELENA dies in a blast of CGI something or another.
INT. STAIRWAY – DAWN
The BIG SNAKE is chasing RUPERT and EMMA and no matter how many CGI spells they cast it won't die.
RUPERT GRINT
Dammit! Bloody snake is invincible!
EMMA WATSON
Look out!
The BIG SNAKE lunges for them and they fall down, hugging, about to die.
RUPERT and EMMA
I love you!
Then MATTHEW slices the BIG SNAKE's head off and it disappears in a cloud of CGI BLACK STUFF.
MATTHEW LEWIS
Damn! It was just a CGI Big Snake all this time. I thought it was a real snake. Hey Rup, Emma. Hey!
They are snogging and just wave him away.
EXT. BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – DAWN
RALPH feels it as his BIG SNAKE dies.
RALPH FIENNES
My Big Snake! He's dead!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Your turn!
They fight again, the Most Powerful Wand in the World flies out of RALPH's hand and over to DANIEL's and then RALPH finally dies in a cloud of CGI ASHES and is blown away with the wind.
Silence.
DANIEL looks around. No one saw him do it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Hello? Anyone?
Slowly people come out of the ruins.
GEORGE HARRIS
Where is Ralph Fiennes?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(triumphant)
I killed him!
More silence.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I did it! He's dead!
MARK WILLIAMS
Okay. So where's the body?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
He turned to ash and blew away.
EMMA THOMPSON
But will he come back?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No, he's dead and done and…why doesn't anyone believe me?
MAGGIE SMITH
Not to worry, Daniel. It's the studio. They told us to do this in case they ever wanted to do a sequel.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh. But…there are no more books.
JIM BROADBENT
Since when has that ever stopped them. I can see it now - "RALPH FIENNES STRIKES BACK".
DEVON MURRAY
"THE RETURN OF RALPH FIENNES!"
ALFIE ENOCH
Then they will do the prequels starting with "THE PHANTOM RALPH FIENNES."
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It'll ruin all the hard work we've done! The fans will hate us.
EMMA WATSON
They won't care as long as it makes money.
INT. BIG DINING HALL - DAY
Everyone is sitting and eating amid the dead and wounded. ROBBIE COLTRANE gives DANIEL a big hug.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Thanks Robbie.
ROBBIE COLTRANE
No worries. Look, yeh got some pull around here. Tell Yates not ter cut too many of my scenes, okay? Since the first two movies my part has been getting smaller and smaller.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Do my best.
EXT. STONE BRIDGE – DAY
DANIEL stands perilously close to the edge holding the Most Powerful Wand in the World.
EMMA WATSON
Dan, you're too close!
RUPERT GRINT
Not to worry, it just some CGI background.
EMMA WATSON
So, why didn't the wand work for him?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
It belonged to Tom because he disarmed Michael Gambon in book and movie six. But Ralph thought Alan owned it because he killed Michael and so he killed him but really Tom owned it but then I owned it because I pulled Tom's wand…
RUPERT snickers and EMMA hits him.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE (CONT'D)
…out of his hand, so it was really mine all along.
RUPERT GRINT
Wicked. What are you going to with it?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(intense)
Keep it and become the most powerful wizard in the world!
DAVID YATES (O.S.)
Wait! Cut! That's not what you do, Dan. Break it in two and throw it off the bridge.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
NO! I need it to protect me, and to make me strong and…it's my precious!
EMMA slaps him hard.
EMMA WATSON
Wrong movie! And you're an actor! Get hold of yourself!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Right. Sorry about that.
He snaps the wand in two and throws it off the bridge. Then the three heroes stand together and we…
CUT TO:
INT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
"19 Years Later"
DANIEL, BONNIE, and THREE ACTORS PLAYING THEIR CHILDREN come into the station.
BONNIE WRIGHT
(irritated)
I can't believe we are doing this again.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Those jackasses screwed up the make-up and lighting first time around.
They see TOM FELTON, an ACTRESS PLAYING HIS WIFE, and an ACTOR PLAYING HIS SON.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Tom.
TOM FELTON
Dan.
There is a long uncomfortable silence.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I need to use the bathroom.
TOM FELTON
So do I!
BONNIE WRIGHT
No, no, no! Do it on your free time, not now! If you are going to pretend to be my husband, then pretend to be my husband and not some parody of Brokeback Mountain!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Alright! Jeeze!
Then they see RUPERT, EMMA, and TWO ACTORS PLAYING THEIR CHILDREN
TOM FELTON
(to Rupert)
Christ, they made you fat!
RUPERT GRINT
Least I don't look like a porn star with a cheesy beard and mustache!
BONNIE WRIGHT
(to Emma, jealous sounding)
Looks like you haven't aged a bit.
EMMA WATSON
You have. Look at the size of the ass they gave you!
BONNIE WRIGHT
What? That's all me!
CONDUCTOR
ALL ABOARD THE RED TRAIN FOR THE BIG CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL!
They say goodbye to their kids and then an ACTOR PLAYING DAN'S SON stops hm.
ACTOR PLAYING DAN'S SON
Dad, what if the Old Dirty Talking Hat is mean to me and puts me in the House With the Snake for A Symbol?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Remember, don't take any sass off of the Old Dirty Talking Hat. You have to curse right back at it. Then you can decide which house you want to go into.
The children get on the train, they all say good bye and then there is a long drawn out closing shot and…that's it.
DAVID YATES
CUT! That a wrap on The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay!
BONNIE WRIGHT
Thank God! See you! I have a real man to go to!
See runs away, fast.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Bye!
(to Rupert and Emma)
What now?
EMMA WATSON
I have to go to Paris for a model shoot and then back to America to finish school for the term. Oh, and I think I'll cut my hair short just for the hell of it.
RUPERT GRINT
I'm going with Emma. No Frenchies or Yanks are going to be eyeballing her while I'm around. What about you, Dan?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I think I'd like to sing and dance for a change. Maybe on Broadway.
TOM FELTON
You? Sing and dance? Don't make me laugh.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(hurt tone)
You never understood me. How can you say you love me if you never….
As TOM and DAN start a hissy fight, RUPERT and EMMA just shake their heads and walk away.
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
RUPERT GRINT
Thank God this is finally over.
EMMA WATSON
(incredulous)
Over? Are you kidding? We've got the premier of part 1, and then Part 2 and all the publicity. I might just have to quit school for a while! Oh, it's going to be a nightmare! Not to mention the years of our personal and professional lives being scrutinized and being compared to this movie series we have been in.
RUPERT GRINT
(calm)
I guess we'd better get all the loving in we can before that. My hotel is just around the corner.
EMMA WATSON
Grand!
RUPERT GRINT
Taxi!
A taxi pulls up, they get in and then we pull back and FADE OUT as the CREDITS ROLL.
This is the end of this parody and I hope you enjoyed it. Many thanks for those who sent reviews.