No matter what happens in this chapter, this is strictly an AkuRoku, Sora/Riku fic.
Disclaimer: If I owned it, Kingdom Hearts would be a musical.
Chapter Four: Hair of the Dog
By the time the police, fire department, and news crews had left, all that was left of Riku's Honda Civic was black, charred, and being towed away while Riku watched. He sat on the sidewalk curb beside Axel and Kairi, all three with a donut in one hand and a strangely blank look on his face. They were silent for the most part, really only making an effort to speak if it involved passing the Krispy Kremes and then only if pointing and grunting didn't get the give-me-another-freakin'-donut message across. Eventually, the streetlights flickered on around them and dusk fell, but no one moved.
"It's official," Riku finally announced, his tone matter-of-factly resigned as he stared at the random building across the street and finished his donut. "My life sucks."
Axel nodded, glancing down at the box and the last lonely donut. "Man, I've been telling you that for years," he said. "Haven't you been listening?"
They waited for a sarcastic comment from Kairi. Instead, Kairi reached down and snagged the last donut wordlessly. The other two glanced at her, finding her lack of input rather unnerving.
"Well, anyway," Axel went on when it was obvious that Kairi had decided not to be a smartass, "I'm pretty sure that someone's out to get you."
"No shit," Riku deadpanned. "What was your first clue, detective?" He sighed, blowing his bangs up and out of his face, thinking he should probably cut them at one point and immediately beating the thought over the head with a baseball bat.
"Think it's got something to do with your boyfriend?"
"He's not my boyfriend, Axel," Riku corrected. "And of course it does. It's just my luck. Have you met my luck? My luck bites. In the ass." He sighed, laying back on the concrete and looking up at where stars would be if they weren't surrounded by city lights before throwing his arm over his eyes. Stars were one of the things he missed about the islands that he had grown up on. "…We should probably leave and go home or something at one point. Before we get arrested for loitering."
"Think your apartment's still standing?" Axel asked, only half-joking.
"Probably not. You'll have to give me a ride. Because my car, you know, exploded." He sat up again, wincing when he pushed one bruise just a little too far into the sidewalk. He and Axel stood at the same time, the redhead holding a hand out to help Kairi up. Expectedly, she took it. Unexpectedly, she didn't quite let go of it. After a cursory glance, Riku and Axel pretended not to notice.
"Hey," she said suddenly to Axel as Riku bent down to pick up the empty donut box, her voice a little quieter than normal. "I need a ride too."
Riku and Axel looked over at the parking lot. At the site of the spot that was slightly blacker than all the others, Riku had to repress the urge to scream again, licking donut glaze off his lips instead. A few empty spaces away sat Kairi's green Volkswagen Beetle, under a light.
"Sure, sweet thing," Axel said, his smile a ghost of the know-it-all grin he usually wore, darkened by concern and whatever feeling kept Kairi's hand in his. "We'll even pick up some more donuts. The hot sign's probably on by now."
She managed a small smile, and Riku was reminded horribly of long nights and sleepless days that he really didn't care to remember. Axel put his arm around her shoulder, informing her that, while he was buying the donuts, there would be absolutely no Savage Garden or anything that sounded like a synthesizer unless it was accompanied by David Lee Roth, and Riku could tell that he was remembering too.
He hoped he'd at least be able to find his bed among the rubble.
The apartment building was thankfully still standing when Axel dropped him off, handing him a hot Krispy Kreme to take with him and promising to be there to pick him up by seven the next morning. Chubchub met him at the door, a Honey Smack stuck to his tail, and Riku picked him up, not really caring if he got his work clothes covered in cat fur. He looked over the living room, with random clothes scattered about and Honey Smacks covering the floor, a layer of unorthodox cat toys that hid the carpet from view relatively well. Honestly, he hadn't seen his carpet since the past summer. He probably couldn't even tell you what color it was.
None of this was a surprise to him of course, nor did it particularly bother him. He was used to the mess, and knew himself very well, and knew that he really couldn't be bothered to clean it until Kairi threatened certain important bits. This would happen the moment she walked into his apartment and saw just how much he really didn't care.
What did surprise him was the fact that he could see his kitchen table. His papers, all of his cases and other random crap, were stacked neatly to one side of the table, and – was that a table runner? When the hell did he get a table runner? The neatness was an odd contrast to the mess around him, and it gave him cause to stop a moment and stare in wonderment. His gaze slid to the broom suspiciously, and he noticed something that he probably should have noticed the moment he walked in the door, and would have, had his car not been blown up earlier that evening.
Roxas Martel was doing his dishes.
He dropped Chubchub, who, of course, landed on his feet. The cat slunk his fat self over to rub against the blond's legs as Riku watched, completely and utterly gob-smacked. Roxas looked down at the cat with an amused quirk to his lips – it couldn't quite be called a smile, it was much too sardonic for that – and rinsed a plate off.
Finally, Riku found his voice. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded, not quite able to make sense of the situation and wondering if Krispy Kreme had added a new "special" ingredient to the donut glaze.
Roxas looked over at him, his almost-smile becoming deer-in-the-headlights and finally an annoyed scowl. "What does it look like I'm doing?" he replied as though it was perfectly normal for him to be doing Riku's dishes at ten o'clock at night. "About damn time you got home. And do you eat anything other than take-out, or are your arteries still screaming for a plumber?"
It was a new record. In a matter of three sentences, Roxas had already managed to piss him off. Usually, it took at least a paragraph… unless, of course, the speaker was Axel. "The occasional frozen pizza. How did you get in here, and why are you washing my dishes?"
The other, who Riku was relatively happy to note was actually a good bit shorter than him, rinsed a bowl and put it in the drainer. "I have my ways," he replied. "Such as opening an unlocked door. Idiot." He shot Riku a contemptuous look, and the detective responded with a glare. "And I'm washing your dishes because you obviously never do."
Riku leaned against the frame of the arch that led into his kitchen, rubbing his temples and feeling a migraine coming on, no doubt the little punk's fault. "So you decided to break into my apartment and wash the dishes."
"No." Roxas rinsed out the sink, taking the towel off of his shoulder and using it to wipe down the counter. "For one thing, the door was unlocked, so there was no breaking involved. Just the entering part. And the dishes were a freebie, because I'm nice like that."
"Yeah," Riku replied facetiously, crossing his arms. "You're a regular Betty fuckin' Crocker. Why are you here?"
Roxas turned, crossing his arms as well and matching Riku's stony glare. "To tell you, detective, to get off of our asses and mind your own business before you or that ridiculous porcupine gets hurt. And if you ever compare me to a housewife again, I'll castrate you with a whisk."
Riku's eyes narrowed and he straightened. "Is that a threat?"
The blond shook his head. "The housewife part? Yeah. That first bit was a warning. You two are annoying, but you're not our enemy."
"Then who the hell blew up my car?!" Riku's hand was on his hip, which probably looked ridiculously girly, but served enough purpose to tell him that he had once again left his gun at work. Roxas' was at his waist. He glanced down, noticing both Chubchub and that the floor had been swept. He was willing to bet that it wasn't the magical broom, either.
Roxas, to his surprise, looked slightly confused. "…Actually, that wasn't me. I didn't think that this would involve such drastic measures."
"But you know who did it."
After a moment of studying the detective, the blond nodded. "I do. You don't. Get out of this mess while you still can."
He had a reply in mind, he really did, and it was witty and cutting, but he stopped short as an overwhelming sense of déjà vu washed over him. A chill ran up his spine. "…I know you."
"No. You don't." Roxas turned away from him, folding the towel neatly and placing it on the counter. "Look. Stay out of this. It's going to get ugly really fast." Riku didn't reply. Roxas took it as compliance. "Great. Glad we could have this talk. Have a nice life." He moved to walk around Riku and, ultimately, escape. Riku stepped in front of him, and Roxas took a step back into the kitchen, cocking an eyebrow and looking slightly pissed and slightly amused at the same time. It took talent to come up with an expression like that.
"You're not just walking out of here with a crappy explanation like that," Riku said.
Roxas' blue eyes narrowed slightly, and he smirked. "Would you rather I kicked your ass first?"
This was the part where Riku probably could have replied with something cliché – like, "You can try!" or something equally as lame. Instead, he took advantage of the fact that Roxas was completely expecting something cliché and lunged at the blond, sending them both crashing to the recently-swept, Honey Smack-free floor. Roxas let out a surprised sound as the entire weight of a full-grown man hit him full-force, and went down without much resistance.
Unfortunately for Riku, by the time they were on the linoleum, Roxas was spitting mad and out for blood. His knee went straight into the detective's stomach, and Riku was made painfully aware of the fact that six or so donuts were probably not good for his health, and that, at one point, he should probably get back to the gym. His grip on Roxas' shoulders loosened for just long enough for the blond to roll them over and easily pin him to the floor, his arm across Riku's throat and his knee poised to take out something that Riku was rather fond of, thank you very much.
"Man," Roxas said with a smirk. "You kind of suck at this."
Riku was concentrating so hard on coming up with a retort that wasn't cliché and preferably involved bodily harm to the blond that he didn't even see the fist coming until his vision exploded in bright, multi-colored stars.
When he came to, he first discovered that his little tiny headache had morphed into Muhammad Ali pounding his brain incessantly. His second discovery was that his eye was very, very cold and hurt very, very much, which puzzled him. His third, and probably most important, was that he couldn't move his hands or feet.
He managed to open one eye and found that light was not his friend by any stretch of the imagination. The other eye was apparently swollen shut. To his surprise, Roxas was sitting in a kitchen chair nearby, wrapping an ice pack from Riku's fridge in a towel. He glanced up when Riku moved his head, which happened to be the only part of him not tied to his own damn kitchen chair.
"Morning, starshine," the blond said. "For the record, I didn't think I hit you that hard. And I didn't figure in your head bouncing off the floor." Riku just glared with his one eye. Roxas smirked. "Yeah. You look really scary tied to a chair, man." He got up and walked over, pressing the ice to Riku's eye and startling the detective. "Alright. How many of me are there?"
"One is too fucking many," Riku practically growled in reply.
Roxas nodded, still holding the ice pack to Riku's eye. "No serious issues, then. Good to know I won't be the one to kill you." He took the ice away and set it down on the table. "Now do we need to have another chat about getting off my ass and minding your own business, or are you getting the picture?"
Riku kept his mouth shut. Roxas studied him for a moment. Finally, he shrugged.
"Your funeral," he said. He reached forward, toward Riku's waist and snagged the cell phone off of the clip of his belt.
"What do you think you're doing?" the detective demanded. Roxas ignored him.
"Well, I won't say it was nice meeting you, because you're an asshole," the blond said. "But I'm sorry about your eye. Keep ice on it for fifteen minutes, take it off for fifteen minutes, repeat. Don't sleep for about two hours, you might have a concussion. And hey, will you do me a favor?"
"No."
Roxas smirked again, looking down at Riku's phone. "Tell Nami we're okay." He hit the call button and set the phone down on the kitchen table behind Riku. "Your pet hedgehog should be here in a while." He turned away and got as far as the couch before he stopped. "Oh. I almost forgot something." He walked back to Riku, who was trying to glare as scarily as possible with one eye. By the amusement on Roxas' face, he wasn't achieving the desired image.
Suddenly, Roxas grabbed Riku's face between his hands, catching the detective completely off-guard, and pressed his mouth to Riku's, taking advantage of the detective's shock and sliding his tongue along the roof of his mouth. He pulled away again a split-second later, grinning at the shocked and astounded look on Riku's bruised face.
"That was from Sora. Sora says hi," Roxas said, shoving a sock in Riku's mouth and walking out the door, leaving Riku tied to a kitchen chair with a black eye and his mind going a mile a minute.
He banged his head against the high back of the chair, cursing really fucking annoying blonds and the construction team at work in his head.
Axel showed up twenty minutes later, his cell phone in one hand and his gun in the other. He gave Riku quite the scare when he kicked the door in, because apparently Roxas had locked it behind him, and groaned inwardly at the thought that he'd probably have to pay for that later. Axel looked around the apartment, then slowly made his way over to Riku, the gun still held ready to shoot.
"Relax," Riku told him. "He's gone."
"Who's gone?" Axel asked, then caught sight of Riku's spotless kitchen. "…The cleaning fairy?" He suddenly grinned. "Dude, the cleaning fairy kicked your ass!"
"Axel, fucking untie me already!" Riku snapped. He didn't like the feeling of being restrained. It made him think too much.
Axel sobered immediately, reaching down to untie the ties that Roxas had used to keep Riku in the chair. "So what happened?" he asked, his tone serious for once.
"Roxas," Riku replied. "He did my dishes, socked me in the eye, and kissed me."
Axel snorted. "Domestic abuse?"
"Shut up." Riku stood, grabbing his cell phone off the table and finally ending the call to Axel's phone. He looked over at Axel and came to the realization that the redhead was over 90% naked. "…Axel. Why aren't you wearing clothes?"
The other looked slightly hurt. "I'm wearing clothes!" He motioned to his boxers. "And I was worried, man," he added quietly, handing Riku the ice pack off of the table. The detective held it up to his eye. "The last time I got a call like that…" He trailed off, and didn't bother to finish the sentence. Riku knew what call he was talking about. "Anyway. So, Roxy the Cleaning Fairy kicked your ass for no apparent reason?"
Riku shrugged. "Same old story. Told us to stay out of it before we got in over our heads. Said he wasn't the one who blew up my car and something cliché like 'I'm not your enemy' or something along those lines. Frankly, I think he showed up just to piss me off."
"And then he kissed you." Axel was grinning in that way that made Riku want to strangle him. It probably said something about his character that he hadn't yet. Kairi had already tried once or twice.
"He said it was from Sora," the detective muttered. Axel's grinned widened, rivaling the Cheshire Cat's, and he fucking cooed. Riku almost did strangle him, right then and there. They stood in silence for a moment, Riku still holding the ice pack to his swollen eye, surveying the messy living room and the clean kitchen.
"I get what you mean about knowing him," Riku said. "He gave me that feeling too."
Axel nodded, sticking his gun into the waistband of his boxers. "Any ideas?"
After thinking for a long moment, Riku nodded. It was probably the best idea he'd had all freaking day. "Put on some pants. Let's get pizza."
Axel nodded. "Pizza's good. We'll have to swing by my apartment first. Your pants are too big for me."
Like Riku's pride wasn't bruised enough. "Axel, your pants are too big for you. Hell, Kairi's pants are too big for you, you manorexic freak."
"Hey, don't take out your bruised ego on me." Axel grinned at him again, and reached over to annoyingly ruffle his hair, something he usually did only after he was worried out of his mind about the silver-haired detective. "Well, you're not dead or being held hostage, and Kairi's in the car, so we'd better go."
Riku decided not to make a witty comment about Axel's state of undress and his secretary in the car. "She was really shaken up, huh?"
Axel nodded. "She's crashing on my couch. You and I get to bomb-sweep her apartment tomorrow. Just like old times. Yippee."
What was unspoken was that Kairi hadn't slept on Axel's couch in month, and Axel hadn't done any rescue missions in his underwear for an equal amount of time. They didn't talk about the way that Riku was still rubbing his wrists, or the fact that Axel had one hand still on the gun, the other twitching at his side like he was itching for a cigarette. They didn't need to talk about it, nor did they want to.
So instead, Axel said, "We'd better not keep the princess waiting," and the two left the apartment to go scare the living hell out of whoever was working the late night shift at whatever twenty-four-hour pizza place they came across.
Kairi was back to her normal, bossy self the next day, as Riku discovered when he was forced to actually get up at six in the morning. She, of course, was already up and dressed, and had somehow managed to turn one of Axel's outfits into something that looked relatively good on her, her red hair pinned back all nice and neat. Riku disentangled himself from the blankets on his end of the sectional with only one or two swear words and trudged into Axel's bathroom, scaring the holy bajeebas out of himself as he passed the full-length mirror on his way. He stopped and stared at his black eye for a moment in shock and disbelief. Finally, his other, not-so-black eye narrowed, and he muttered a string of curses that may or may not have included the revenge he planned to exact on Roxas sometime in the near future. And it would be a very near future, if he had his way.
For the third morning in a row – it was only Wednesday, though going by all Riku had been through, it should have been Friday, damn it all – his cell phone rang while he was in the shower. This time, however, he had his handy-dandy secretary to hand it to him with one hand over her eyes like he was going to come out of the shower in all his naked glory while she was in the room – ew, girls. He could hear Axel bitching in the hallway about having to get up at the crack of dawn and what the hell was Kairi doing in his pants, because she still hadn't given the last pair she "borrowed" from him back.
And then it occurred to him just how weird this whole situation was.
And then he decided he really didn't care.
"Hello?" he said into the phone, this time managing to actually stay on his feet and keep the shower curtain attached to the shower and in one piece.
"Riku?"
Caught by surprise, he tripped over the side of Axel's bathtub, grabbed the shower curtain and the towel rack, and managed to take them both down with him, swearing loudly as he went. He found the phone lying a little bit away, with his voice being called, just barely loud enough to hear until he pressed it to his ear.
"I'm fine!" he said, slightly breathless. In all actuality, every inch of his body hurt, and his eye was being a royal bitch.
"No, you have a black eye and your car blew up," Sora said. He went on before Riku could say anything. "Riku, you have to get off the case. It's, like, really dangerous, okay? And I already ran you over, so I don't really want to be the reason you get hurt even worse."
"Where are you?" Riku asked, standing and grabbing a towel off the towel rack that was now on the floor.
"I'm not gonna tell you. We're fine." He paused, and Riku could hear him talking to someone else for a moment, unable to make out the words.
"Your brother's an asshole."
He heard Sora sigh over the line. "Yeah. I know."
"And, uh, thanks for the hello." It was lame, he knew, but it was the only think he could think of at the moment to keep Sora on the line. He was hoping that he could trace the call and get a signal off the cell towers nearby.
Sora didn't reply for a moment. Finally, he said, "I'm going to kill Roxas."
"No, let me," Riku replied.
"You stay away from this," Sora said. "Trust me and just stay where you are. Tell Naminé that we're fine and peachy keen and go back to bed, okay?"
"What's on that disc?"
There was a long silence, followed by the sound of a click. Riku pulled the phone away from his ear to find that, yes, the call had been ended, swearing. He put the phone down on the counter as he dried off and stuck his hand out the door for clothing, which was handed to him within five minutes, along with a mug of coffee – God bless Kairi.
He came out to find Axel already dressed and his hair already spiked, apparently having found hair gel conveniently lying around somewhere. "Was that our missing motorcyclist?" the redhead asked.
Riku nodded. "He hung up when I asked about the disc."
"The chick said it was blank."
"Why steal a blank disc?"
Axel nodded slowly, leaning against his wall. They could hear Kairi in the kitchen, no doubt attempting to make something that could pass as a decent breakfast, having eaten all the donuts the night before.
"You know," Axel said. "I get the feeling we're onto something interesting."
Yeah. 'Interesting' was a good word for it.