I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.
I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view.
Brennan's point of view
The Acceptance in the Accusation
June
18th Zack left. I didn't want him to go yet. I know it is illogical to become attached to an intern, but Zack was an extraordinary forensic anthropologist. I knew I would never replace him.
August
13th I know I am beginning to withdraw from everybody at the lab, and I spend too much time in limbo when I don't have a victim, but I feel that the loss of Zack has had a detrimental effect on the overall ambiance of the lab. I have avoided going out into the field, by telling Booth that I am needed at the lab.
Booth hasn't yet discerned that I blame him for Zack's departure. He could have told Zack no, but he let him go. It all goes back to the idea that he never wanted to talk to Zack. He just ignores him. If Booth had told him not to go, he would be here with us right now. He would be safe from this confusing and unpredictable world.
September
25th Booth is becoming annoying; I think I am going to have to go into the field at least occasionally just to pacify him. Today's case was actually compelling. We found a skull embedded in the windshield of a car. After I went back to the lab, I found out that a cannibal gnawed on the skull.
Now Angela's on my case too. She thinks the reason I won't go out in the field with Booth is because we were left standing at the altar, and that iconic image totally freaked me out. Could that be true?
27th Zack came back. I was so happy to see him; I immediately ran to him and hugged him. Within one day of his return, he figured out that a man with a diamond tooth ate the skull, and he had an accomplice. I always knew he was an asset to the lab.
29th Booth finally realized why I was upset. He told me that Zack needed to leave the nest. The same way I did, when I wanted to leave the lab and see the world for the first time, and he helped me do that. This was Zack's way of doing the exact same thing. I think I understand now.
October
2nd I visited my father today. Booth made me go. I gave him a deck of cards. We chatted a few minutes, but he was in denial of everything in the past, so I left. As I was leaving he asked for socks.
4th I brought him his socks today. He apologized for being a bad father, and then asked me to testify on his behalf at the trial. I don't know what to think. I am so confused. I want to trust him. I want to believe him, but I also want to protect myself from getting hurt again. I have created this world to keep myself protected from the emotions that I can't understand, and I feel like it is falling apart.
On one side, Booth is invading my thoughts, and on the other, my father is trying to reconcile with me. My walls are crumbling, and I feel like everything is going to come crashing down, leaving me exposed to the world and all the pain I have kept hidden for so long. Booth isn't helping; he keeps trying to encourage my relationship with him.
5th Booth told me my father was arrested so he could spend time with me, and I should be nice to him for that. I'm still confused. I hate emotions, and I wish I could compartmentalize this, but I'm finding that harder and harder to do. Booth seems to occupy my every thought.
He also said it sounds like I'm keeping score. He told me, "You know what, Bones? You're never gonna forgive yourself if you don't cut the guy some slack just because you're afraid to get hurt."How does he know me so well?
6th We arrested a suspect today. The woman who died wrote a letter to her daughter, and as I read it, I realized that portions of it reminded me of my relationship with my father. I have enclosed part of it here. I think this is what he has been trying to tell me.
I've done terrible things in my life, things I can't change. I know how much pain this will cause you, but never forget how much I love you. I know we didn't always agree on how, but we both hope for the same thing, a just world.
If I've learned anything, it's that we can never let the chaos and injustice make us so blind with anger that we become part of the problem. Understanding, compassion, kindness are the only true revolutionary ideas. When we compromise those, we become what we despise and we lose our humanity. The world might see my legacy of one of violence and destruction, but I know that you are my real legacy and for that – I will be thankful every day.
Although this letter was written from a mother to her daughter, I feel the meaning behind it applies to my father and me. I think I will try harder to repair the damage that our past mistakes have imposed upon us.
7th I went to see him again today. We played cards.
9th We had a very strange case today. It was involved pony play, and included equine fetishes. At the end of the case, Booth explained the difference between sex and making love. I asked him why and he told me,
"Why? I'll tell you why. Here we are. All of us are basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some, they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh, there's nobody out there for me.'"
"But all of us, we keep trying over, and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, every once in a while, two people meet, and there's that spark. And yes, he's handsome, and she's beautiful, and maybe that's all they see at first... But, making love? Making love. That's when two people become one."
I tried to tell him It is... scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space, but he said,
"Yeah, but what's important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close."
I asked, "To what? Breaking the laws of physics?"
"Yeah, a miracle. Those people role-playing, and their fetishes and their little sex games- It's crappy sex. Well, at least compared to the real thing." As he looked at me, my heart had that strange feeling again. I think I am feeling more than a rush of endorphins when I look at him. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to experience making love with him.
23rd We were assigned to a new psychologist today. I hate psychology. It is such a soft science. He said the FBI was thinking of severing our partnership. He gave us a personality test to take home. Booth tried to cheat.
Dr. Sweets said we complement each other, and we have a strong emotional attachment. How does he know that? I still hate psychology. Booth said if there were no more murders, we would still get together and have coffee. I was thinking about that and if we weren't partners, then there wouldn't be a line, so we could have more than coffee. I wonder if he would want that too?
30th I shot Booth today, it was just a flesh wound, so he wasn't really hurt, but I feel bad. It happened when we went to save Megan Shaw, the door was locked, and I shot at it but the bullet bounced off the lock, hit my bracelet, and struck Booth in the leg. Then when we opened the door, I freaked out because the room was full of snakes. Booth had to carry me on his back.
Booth shot someone tonight, I feel bad for him. He hates taking a life even if it is a murderer. In the end, we saved the girl, but missed the party at the Jeffersonian. I think something is happening between us, but I don't understand what.
November
6th Today I found out that one of the employees of the Jeffersonian was a murderer. I was devastated that it happened in my safe place. I always thought of the Jeffersonian as my house of reason.
I also discovered that Booth knows me very well. As I was logging in to my computer, he was able to tell me what my password was. He also knew my second choice and my favorite planet. When did he get to know me so well?
Everyone was hoping that it was the serial killer, who we nicknamed Gormogon, so we wouldn't have to admit to it being one of us. I felt betrayed. I asked Booth if he would betray me and he said no. I wonder if that is true.
13th I told Booth about Brainy Smurf today, and he laughed at me. I trusted Booth to understand my humiliation, but he laughed. When Andy taped it to my locker, I was devastated. I wanted Smurfette, and he got me Brainy instead. The kids laughed at me for weeks, and then Booth laughed at me too. I am so mad at him.
14th I told Dr. Sweets about Booth laughing at me and he suggested that he tell me a story about a time when he was humiliated. Booth told me five different stories about his childhood, but they were all about his sexual exploits. None of them were humiliating.
Then at the Diner, he told me about this boy in school that all the kids picked on, well he called Booth a Philistine, and Booth said he was Catholic. I thought that was a fitting story, but Booth told me that wasn't the humiliating part. He said one of his friends hung the kid from the stairwell, and he laughed instead of doing anything to help, and the humiliation came from him denying himself. I agreed with him and forgave him for laughing at me.
Then he gave me a Brainy Smurf. I asked him why he got that when he knows I wanted Smurfette, and he said, "Well, Smurfette was a stupid, shallow Smurf who only had her looks. Look, you're better than Smurfette. You have your looks and a whole lot more." I think that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Brainy Smurf now sits beside Jasper on my bedside table.
Something is definitely happening between us, but I can't act on my feelings, because of the line that he drew.
December
10th Gorgomon killed Archbishop Stephen Wallace, and sent me his patellas. Booth went into alpha male mode again, and wanted to protect me. I don't need anyone's protection, but it feels good to know he is worried about me. I think he cares.
After I got home, Amy came to see me. Hailey is very sick, and she wants to see Russ. I gave her the name and number of Dr. Goetz, so he can help her. I went to see my father, and asked him to get a message to Russ, about Hailey.
12nd Booth arrested Russ when he showed up at the FBI. Then he let him go to the hospital to visit Hailey. It must have been difficult for Booth to do that, because he believes in the system, and he would never do anything that was against the law. I think he cares for me, but because I have hidden my feelings for so long, I don't know how to tell. I was so happy that he did that, that I kissed him on the cheek. He reacted in a strange way, and I didn't know what to think.
I went to see my father to tell him that he shouldn't have lied to Russ about me, and he helped me realize how hard he is trying to correct the problems of the past.
Booth keeps saving my life. Today he pulled me out of a taxi, after it was blown up, by Gorgomon.
13rd Booth had the Archbishop of D.C., and Dr. Sweets, call the judge to tell him Russ should be released. I still don't understand why he keeps doing these things for me. Is it only because we are partners, or is there another reason? I would talk to Angela, but she would just say that he loves me. I don't believe that. Booth couldn't love me, because he is so much better than I am. He deserves so much more in life. I will never be good enough for him.
24th I kissed Booth, a real, on the lips, made me feel lightheaded and dizzy, kind of kiss. Even though Caroline set it up as payment for letting my Dad use the trailer on Christmas Eve, I thought it was incredible. Afterwards I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even complete a sentence.
Then Booth came to the jail and brought me a tree. As I looked out the window and saw him standing there in the snow, with Parker, I felt that funny, tingling feeling again. What is happening to me?
I wish my mother were alive, so I can ask her about love. I don't understand these feelings I have for him, and I need someone to talk to. What is love? How do you know when you're in love?
If I constantly want to be near him, and I want to touch him all the time, is that love? If I miss him at the end of the day, and leave my light on hoping he comes over, is that love? I don't know or understand anything anymore. Before I met him, I was so sure of myself. I knew what I wanted, and how to get it. Now I'm confused all the time, and I can feel my walls breaking. I know soon they are going to come crashing down and I will be completely vulnerable.
February
10th Sweets made us go on a date with him and his girlfriend. It went well, and then she broke up with him.
March
21st We went to a crime scene and I brought home a baby. His name was Andy, and he was about six months old.
23rd I am becoming very attached to Andy. I can see myself becoming a mother some day. It will be very difficult to give him up when the time comes.
24th Booth thinks I should buy a house in the town that Andy is from. He keeps talking as if we will spend time there together. After we got the key back from Andy, Booth wanted me to drop Andy off at Family Services, but I couldn't leave him. I know what those places are like, and I didn't want him to be there.
26th Meg left a note that custody of Andy should go to her friend Carol, so we handed him over today. It was very difficult to let him go. I think I have changed my mind about having children.
Booth confuses me, in that, he keeps talking about me buying a house, and how we would go fishing, then come home to eat dip and watch television together. What is he implying?
April
25th My father is on trial for murder. I know he is guilty, but I don't want him to be found guilty. I know that doesn't make sense, but I can't change the way I feel. Angela refuses to testify at the trial. They arrested her, because she refused to testify in court.
I went to the jail to visit her and try to tell her I don't care if she testifies, but she told me, "Friends don't send friends' fathers to the electric chair." I don't deserve her as a friend.
27th Everyone thinks we are going to lose, once Zack found the real murder weapon, everything fell into place for the prosecution.
29th I have an idea, but I don't know if it would be the right thing to do. Whenever I have questions about things I go to Booth, but we are not supposed to be talking because we are on opposite sides of the case. I am meeting him today to discuss my idea. I need to be very vague, so he doesn't know what I'm thinking.
30th My father was found innocent, but I think I hurt Booth with what I did. I will never forget the look that he gave me in the courtroom. At the time, I knew I had to control my actions, but now, as I'm writing this in my journal, I can't control the tears. Booth was devastated at the idea that I could implicate myself in the murder of Deputy Director Kirby. He looked at me with so much pain, that I will remember his eyes forever.
I couldn't stay in the courtroom to hear the verdict, so I went outside to wait. Booth joined me a few minutes later. He pulled me into his arms and held me until my father came out of the courthouse. I loved feeling his arms around me, and I wish he were here with me now.
May
5th This case is about a singer who was murdered and thrown in a field. Then a lawnmower chopped him up. I told Booth that I can sing as well as Cindi Lauper, but I don't think he believes me.
8th Booth is dead.
9th Booth is dead. I should write this down, but I can't think.
Booth is dead; maybe if I write it enough I will believe it. An FBI agent came to my door in the middle of the night, after I left the hospital, and told me.
I waited in the hospital for hours until he came out of surgery. They told me he was going to be out for a while, so I should go home. I was only home for an hour when someone knocked on my door.
Booth is dead.
10th I can't get out of bed. I'm glad it's Saturday, and I don't have to go to work. Angela keeps coming over, but I won't let her in.
She's knocking again.
What am I going to do? I can't go on without him. I think I loved him.
Booth is dead. I felt his blood flow over my hands, and no matter how much pressure I used, nothing stopped it. I saw him slip into unconsciousness. The paramedics had to pull him away from me. They refused to let me go in the ambulance with them.
11th Booth is dead. I need to compartmentalize this. I need to go to work tomorrow, and I can't let them know. I can do this. I can compartmentalize this. I know I can.
12th I made it. I went to work today. I am working on the victims in limbo, because I can't handle anything else. I am keeping it together, but I feel like a zombie. I am getting better at compartmentalizing this.
17th It is easier when I'm at work. If I go to work, I don't have to face this empty feeling inside me.
21st Today is his funeral. I am not going. I can't look at that coffin knowing that he is inside there. I need to keep my feelings compartmentalized, and I won't be able to do that if I see the coffin.
It was all a lie. Booth lied to me about his death. He was at the funeral, and when I saw him, I punched him in the face. How DARE he lie to me! How DARE he let me think he was dead, and not call me to tell me the truth. I need to talk to him about this now.
I went to Booth's apartment to confront him. He was taking a bath, wearing a hat that dispenses beer, smoking a cigar, and reading a comic book. When I walked into the room, he stood up out of the tub completely naked. He is a beautiful specimen of a man. I never realized what a gorgeous body he had.
22nd Gormogon is back, and while performing an experiment, Zack was blown up. He has severe damage to him hands, and he will never be able to use them the same way again.
24th Someone at the lab is Gormogon's apprentice.
25th It's Zack.
26th Why is it every time I get close to another person they leave me? First my mother and father, then Russ, and many various boyfriends, Booth, although he came back, and now Zack. I guess I am not meant for long-term relationships. They are letting him plea temporary insanity, so he can be in a psychiatric facility, instead of jail.
After we left the hospital, we went to the lab to collect some of his things, to send him. As we looked through the box, I realized that I never gave him anything of value. Booth came to me and showed me a letter I had written him, when I offered him the job as my assistant. He said I gave him the best gift of all.
I really miss him. He was an asset to the lab, and I don't know how we will replace him. Cam suggested that we use various interns until I find a replacement. She doesn't realize that I will no one will ever replace Zack.
I'm going away for the summer again, so maybe that will help me deal with the loss. I wonder if I will miss Booth as much as I did last year?
.
.
.
Please post some reviews. I would like to know what everyone thinks, bad or good.