I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.

I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. Sorry I'm late, but yesterday was my birthday, and I never got a chance to post.

Brennan's point of view

The Choice in the Escape

January

28th Booth's brother came back from India with a woman named Padme. He told Booth he wanted to marry her. Booth seemed upset by the idea, because he felt that they didn't know each other long enough, but Booth has always believed in love at first sight, so why wouldn't that hold true for Jared?

March

25th This was a difficult case, not because it was hard to solve, but because the family was affected by the outcome. The son had schizophrenia, and it affected the family dynamic. I felt bad for the mother, because one of her children was schizophrenic, and the other murdered his brother.

I was confused with how Booth could believe in a kind God after a case like this.

When the case was over, we went to the diner to talk, and he tried to explain his beliefs to me.

He told me that he will question everything, but he will get his faith back. When I asked him why, he said, "Because, Bones, it's…the sun will come up, and tomorrow's a new day."

I understood exactly what he was trying to tell me, because my faith in cause and effect is challenged daily, but I know that for every effect there is a corresponding cause. Even if I can't see it. I find that reassuring.

April

1st Booth came by after our case today. I told him the story of how Plato split us in half so we would have to look for our other half for all eternity. I think Booth may be my other half.

7th Sweets finally finished his book, and he asked Booth and me to proofread it. I found a major error in it, and I thought he should know, so Booth and I went to his office to tell him today.

I never should have gone. I should have left it alone, but I always have to have the facts right, and I knew he needed to know. I just never realized what would happen if we talked about that night. Since it happened, we had avoided any discussion of that night.

That fated night, in the rain on the steps of that bar. The night I started running from Booth, and the way he makes me feel. The night I lost my ability to compartmentalize. The night my walls started to crumble. That fated night that changed my life forever.

Let me start at the beginning. Sweets didn't know we worked that first case, so I had to tell him. He had a right to know the truth. However, reliving those memories, that I thought I hid deep down inside, was painful. I thought they were gone, I thought they would never surface again, but I was wrong.

While we told Sweets about that first case, I remembered that kiss, and the feelings that I experienced that night. I remembered why I started running from him, and I wondered how I came to this place in my life, where I was sitting next to the man I loved, and thinking about a future. A future that included him, because I realized that I loved him. I can try to deny it all I want. I can call it anything I want, but I know it is love.

I never was good at relationships, and I knew I would hurt him in the end. I knew it would never work, so while we talked, and he looked at me with those trusting eyes, I tried to think about how I was going to fix this mess that I had gotten myself into.

I didn't want to lose him, so I knew I couldn't date him. Dating in the workplace never works out, and when it fell apart, which I inevitably knew it would, I would never be able to work with him again. I couldn't handle that, so I tried to think of a way out.

The whole time we talked, I tried to find an alternate plan, because I knew Booth wouldn't put it off any longer. I knew he loved me, and he wanted something more. Something more than I could give him. The conversation ended too soon, and I still didn't have an alternate plan.

Sweets sat there and told him, because he's the gambler, he needs to make the first move. Booth looked at me and I knew it was over, I was terrified, as we walked outside the building, and down the steps.

At first, I thought maybe I read Booth wrong, because we started out joking about how Sweets is wrong, and psychology is a soft science. So I thought maybe…

Then he stopped. He stopped, right in front of the sign that read "Nothing happens unless first a dream..." - Carl Sandburg, and I knew I wouldn't escape this time.

He asked me to give us a chance.

I tried to tell him, that we wouldn't be able to work together, but he pulled toward me and kissed me. It was like a step back in time, I again felt overwhelmed by him. I again felt my walls falling down. I again felt the need to run.

I pushed him away.

"No. No."

"Why? Why?"

"You-you thought you were protecting me, but you're the one who needs protecting."

"Protecting from what?"

"From me! I- I don't have your kind of open heart."

"Just give it a chance...that's all I'm asking."

"No, you said it yourself; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome." I knew I failed at relationships, so why keep trying?

"Well, then let's go for a different outcome here, alright? Let's just - hear me out, all right? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30 or 40 or 50 years, all right, it's always the guy who says 'I knew.' I knew. Right from the beginning."

"Your evidence is anecdotal."

"I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know."

"I- I am not a gambler; I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how. I don't know how." The look on his face was devastating, but I knew when I failed at this relationship like all the others, it would be worse for him. Therefore, I knew I couldn't even start this.

"Please don't look so sad."

"Alright. Okay. You're right. You're right."

"Can we still work together?" he paused forever, and I thought he would say no. I waited, holding my breath.

"Yeah."

"Thank you."

"But I gotta move on. I gotta find someone who's - who's gonna to love me in 30 years or 40 or 50."

"I know."

We walked back to the garage and I came home. I have never felt this way before. I know I did the right thing, but it felt wrong. I am sorry, I hurt him, and I wonder if I should have said, yes.

I know I needed to protect him, but I also needed to protect myself. I think if we could just keep the status quo, then we will be ok. This way, I would keep him, because I knew that when I fail at this, I would lose him forever, and I know the possibilities will never outweigh the risk.

15th There was a murder in the same town where I grew up, and Booth suggested that we go undercover as a married couple so we can solve the murder. I never wanted to go to my reunion, but Booth said it would be better if I were an alumina. Mr. Buxley was still there, and it was nice to see him again. I asked Booth to dance with me, at first, he hesitated, but then he said ok. It was like the prom I never went to. Holding him in my arms made me realize, that I could have had this forever, if I had only said yes.

24st I had a strange conversation with Booth today. I told him I was meeting Hacker for coffee, and he told me he was going out with Catherine. I told him I thought they would be compatible, and pretty, but he told me that I'm the standard that he measures all women against. If that's true, maybe he hasn't moved on yet.

25th When Booth said he had to move on, I thought I understood, but now I'm confused. My brain tells me that he needs to find someone who can be with him forever, but my heart tells me no. I know how illogical that is, but lately I can't be logical when I'm around Booth.

He started dating Catherine this week, and when we met for drinks tonight, I was surprised by how difficult it was to talk to him about it. I tried to compartmentalize him, but it didn't work. I don't know if I can compartmentalize anymore. My life has become so difficult lately.

I want him to be happy, but I feel so empty, and confused. I know I can't give him what he wants, so I guess I just need to learn how to let him go.

28th Booth received a tie from Catherine today. I told him that means a social contract. I hope it doesn't mean anything more than that, but then I want Booth to be happy. I'm still so confused.

29th We sang to "Hot Blooded" today. We were at the fantasy camp, and the song started playing. Booth talked me into going on stage and singing. We were pretty good. I even played the guitar. I always have so much fun with Booth, maybe we do belong together.

30th I told him how important our partnership was today, I hope he understands.

May

8th This case involved witches, and when it was over we again got together at The Founding Fathers, for a drink. This is becoming a habit.

Booth had little dolls that he said the witches gave him. He said they represented me, and when he burned them in my presence, his wish for me would come true. He wished that I could find happiness love, laughter, friendship, purpose... and a dance. I thought that was very sweet. However, I don't think I will ever find happiness.

He said he had a lot of those dolls. I wonder why he needs so many.

13th I've been having nightmares ever since we arrested the Gravedigger. I usually wake up screaming Booth's name. They only occur once or twice a week, but I can't go back to sleep afterward. Her trial is this week, I hope once justice is served, they will stop.

Everyone is concerned about me, I don't know why they worry I can take care of myself.

14th I hope we can find some other type of evidence to convict Taffet, because she seems to misdirect our every move. She is very smart, and I find myself at a disadvantage. I just think...maybe I've lost my advantage because of all the people I've involved with now. All of the relationships, they complicate logical thought. Especially him.

15th Booth came over tonight to tell me he was dropping his charges too, he said it was because we were partners. I told him about my nightmares. He pulled me into his arms and held me tight. It felt so good to have him hold me. I feel so safe when he's near. Why did I ever say no?

I feel like I need to get away for a while. I haven't gone on a dig in a long time, and I feel like I need to get my head back together, and find my life again, away from all this death. I can't understand what is going on, but I think I need to find a new perspective.

Different countries are always offering me anthropological digs; maybe I should start thinking about accepting one of their offers.

16th My dad is insane he tried to kill Taffet today. Booth arrested him, and he is keeping him in jail until the trial is over.

18th I tried to explain my feeling to Booth, but I don't think he understood. I'm just so tired of murders, victims, sadness, and pain. Somehow, I got caught up in Booth's world, and now I feel that I need something different. Something has to change.

19th We won the case against Taffet, but I don't feel the elation that I usually feel after a case. I have this sense that everything's changing, and I don't know what to do. This case reminded me that Booth could have died on that ship, if I was a couple of minutes later. Maybe next time I won't get there in time, and he will die.

He claims it won't happen, but I know he's wrong. No one can guarantee the outcome of our lives. The reality of the situation is that one day Booth will die, and I will lose him forever. Then what will I do?

Maybe I just need to get away from this situation for a while. Maybe I just need time.

20th A full set of interspecies hominid remains were found in the Maluku Islands. I would love to be in charge of the dig, but I don't know what to do about Booth. I really need time away from death and murder, and this may be just the way to do it. I am sending a list of equipment to the committee, so they will be properly prepared.

21st I talked to Angela today. I tried to explain how I felt, but I don't think she understood me. Our case was about a man who was a hoarder, and I saw similarities in his life, to what I do here. The murders will never stop; there will always be one more case, always one more murder to solve. When does it ever stop? One murder just piles on top of another and the dead bodies just keep coming in.

I need to get away. I need a break from my life. I'm worried all the time. Worried that Booth might get hurt on a case, and I couldn't prevent it, worried... about what our partnership means. I just need some perspective so that I can view my life with some objectivity.

22nd They asked me to head up the Maluku project today. Maybe this is just what I need.

23rd I met Booth at the coffee cart today to talk to him about the possibility of going to Maluku, but he already knew. Sweets told him. I think he was distressed. He wouldn't look at me, and I know that means he's upset. I can't stay here anymore. I can't look at him, and not tell him I love him. I need perspective, so I can make the right choice. I need to do what's best for him, and I don't think that is me.

24th Caroline said something very strange today. She wants us to finish the case before we leave, she said, "Tight as a drum, that's what I want." I didn't have a problem with that but then she said, "And trust me, the way you two are running from each other, you'd better be damn sure of these little trips you're taking."

I know I'm running from him, but why is he running from me?

Cam is upset that I'm leaving too. She is going to the airport with Daisy and me to say goodbye.

25th My plane leaves in a half hour. I miss Booth already.

26th Booth came to the airport to say goodbye. He snuck off base to see me. He told me to be careful, but he's the one going to a war.

He stepped toward me and I thought he would try to kiss me again, so I avoided his look. I don't want my emotions to get in the way of my choice. Going to Maluku is the logical choice for me right now, and I don't want Booth to change my mind.

I told him not to be a hero, to not be himself, but I know that was an illogical request. Booth will always be Booth. I think that's why I love him, because he is the one person I could trust to always make the right decision. He could never be less than he is.

We agreed to meet in a year, by the coffee cart. One year, that's the time it takes the Earth to make a full revolution around the sun; and hopefully the time it will take me, to make a decision about Booth. Because when I return, I will either accept him, or compartmentalize him, but one way or the other, I will make a decision. A year, I have a year to chose.