I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.

This was so hard to do. I am sorry I am late on posting. Next post will be on Thursday, next week.

I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Thursday. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view.

Booth's point of view

The Pain in the Decision

The most difficult decision I have ever had to make was walking away from her. As I left the airport, my heart broke. I went out the doors and walked for a while, I needed to take some time, before going back to the base. I still couldn't understand why she didn't want me. What did I do wrong?

I needed to move on, and maybe this was the best way. Being apart for a year would help me to heal, and stop the ache in my heart. I hailed a cab, and went back to the base. The driver tried to talk, but I didn't want to hear anything right now, I just wanted to get back to the base, so I could lose myself in another war. I would throw myself into my job, and push her from my mind.

The week passed quickly, and I again, found myself in a war zone. The war and I were old friends, and I quickly assimilated to the task of training the new generation of heroes. I wrote Bones once a week, but never received a response. Maybe she really did want me out of her life; maybe I was totally wrong about us.

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Time passed, and I quickly found myself back on the front lines, apprehending insurgents. Although I knew it would happen, I was still surprised by how quickly I transitioned, from FBI agent to soldier. I hated the feel of the gun in my hands, but at the same time, it fit so well. I was good at what I did. Good at being a soldier. Good at making the impossible shot. Just not good at love.

After all I was the best, and what better way to train them, then to fight beside them. After the first month without a reply from Bones, I stopped writing weekly and switched to once a month, but I still didn't receive a reply. She never responded to my emails. I called a couple of times, but again I never got a reply.

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Months passed, and I continued to fight, continued to defend my country, because that was what a good soldier did, he defended his country. He followed orders, and he never questioned authority.

After four months, I stopped writing to Bones. I figured that if she wanted to contact me, she would have written back by now. Time heals all wounds, and I found myself thinking of her less often. The pain in my heart started to heal, and I realized that I hadn't thought of her in a week. Soon it was two, and then three.

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We were scoping out a restricted area just outside of Marja, when I heard gunfire. I looked into the town square and I saw a woman walking toward a cafe. She ducked and looked around for a place to hide. I saw the sniper hiding on the roof opposite from where I was stationed. It only took one shot, then he was out of commission, and she was safe.

I went to her side to see if she was hurt. She said she was fine, and thanked me for helping her. I arrested her for being in a restricted zone, but the charge didn't stick; there were too many other things to worry about.

Her name was Hannah, and after she was released, she asked me to go to dinner that night. She said it was in appreciation of her rescue. I accepted, after all, I was free, and Bones was not responding to my emails.

That evening I met her for dinner at a local restaurant, and afterward we walked around the gardens behind the restaurant. One thing led to another, and we had sex under a fig tree in the garden. After that, it was easy. She was a war correspondent stationed in the area, so I saw her every day.

Life with Hannah was easy; she made me feel wanted and for the first time, in a long time, I felt happy, besides the sex was great. I had been alone for so long, waiting for Bones, and I forgot how wonderful it felt to have someone that cared for me.

We spent as much time together as possible, and soon I realized that I was falling in love with her. Five months after entering the war zone, I met Hannah, and a month later, I fell in love. When Caroline called to tell me I had to come back, we had been together for almost two months.

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After talking to Caroline, I realized that I wanted to return home. I needed to see my son again. During my tour in Afghanistan, I rescued a young boy. When I returned him to his mother she said "This would not have happened if his father was here, where he's supposed to be; instead of out fighting someone else's war." That one statement told me it was time to go home, and be with my son.

Parker means everything to me, and I wanted to be with him as he grew up. I didn't belong here. I did my duty to my country, and now it was someone else's' turn. I needed to be home visiting my son every weekend and picking him up from school two days a week. I missed Parker, and I wanted to see him. I wanted to be a father, not a soldier. Caroline was just the excuse I needed, to go home.

I said goodbye to Hannah, and packed to leave. She understood, as I told her we would stay in touch, and within three days of the phone call, I was on a plane home. I thought about Hannah on the plane ride, and wondered how hard it would be to continue the relationship. We would write, and she said she would call whenever she could, but I knew it would be difficult.

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I arrived in DC, the same day as Bones, and I remembered our promise to meet at the reflecting pool coffee cart. Our place. It was the one place, where we met every day, just to talk and have coffee. Even if we didn't have a case, many times we would meet there, and just talk.

I saw her in the distance; she was looking for me. At first, I was angry. How dare she just throw away five years of us? Five years of our lives. We spent almost every day together, and she tossed it out like last week's garbage.

Then I saw the look of recognition on her face, and all those memories came rushing back. I felt my heart leap in my chest at the look in her eyes. The look that I thought was love, but in the same moment, I realized that I was mistaken, because she didn't love me, the way that I loved her. She didn't want me in the same way. I hid my feelings, and walked toward her. I had to keep her at a distance, so I wouldn't be caught up in the idea of our eventually again. I had to stop this merry go round known as Bones. I forced myself to think of Hannah, and the life we started in Afghanistan.

We slowly approached each other, and she drew me into a hug. I was startled at first; she usually didn't initiate hugs. I remembered the smell that was Bones; it assaulted my senses, and made me feel weak. Maybe she has changed, but I quickly stopped those thoughts and concentrated on Hannah. Before it became too intense, I pulled away.

We sat on the steps and talked. She told me about the work she did in Maluku, and I told her about the war. I told her I did mostly administrative work, but I don't think she believed me. She knew me too well. She knew the ghosts that haunted my dreams, the memories of the lives taken, all in the name of war. Neither one of us spoke of that, because sometimes the silence, says more than the words.

I asked her if she met anyone while she was away, but she said no. I was hoping she did, so it would be easier to tell her about Hannah, but then I remembered that she didn't feel the same way I did. I told her about Hannah, and I thought I saw a brief glimpse of sorrow, but I turned away, hoping to avoid the pain in her eyes.

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We talked a little longer, and then we went to meet everyone at the FBI. I discovered that she didn't keep in touch with anyone, and she had no idea, of the changes that took place during our absence. After the meeting, I went home, alone, and as I entered my apartment, the memories of war came back.

I knew it would happen. It always did, and, when I went to bed alone, the faces of death, assaulted my senses, and I woke screaming from the nightmares. I never missed that part of the war. The lingering faces of those I killed. Hannah helped that, but she wasn't here. I was alone. I was up way too early, and as I dressed for the day, I wished she were here to hold me.

Hannah didn't know about my silent battle with my conscience, I never told anyone about that. Except Bones, she knew, she understood. I didn't tell Hannah that part. I kept our conversations light, and avoided the horrors of war, avoided my cosmic balance sheet, which was longer now. Filled with more faces, of the men and women I killed. Hannah was my light at the end of the tunnel, and for some reason I didn't have nightmares when I was with her.

I pushed the memories aside, and went to work. We had a case to solve, and I needed to be reinstated with the FBI.

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Caroline was shocked by how quickly we solved the case, and I realized that we were back, and the center would hold once again. It felt different, but it was there. We felt disjoined and separate, but we had been apart for seven months, so it would take time, but we would get there, we would eventually connect.

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Bones talked them into letting us work out of the Jeffersonian, again, and we met there to celebrate our return, but when Cam turned on the lights, there was a mastodon in place of the platform. That was when I realized that the problem with our group was like the mastodon in the room, a type of uneasiness between us. That hopefully time would erase from our midst.

I looked at Bones, and welcomed her back; she thanked me, and welcomed me back too. She looked at me, but I looked at the mastodon, and realized that this was going to be harder than I thought. That deep down I still loved her, but I couldn't let those feelings out, I had to keep them locked away, and think of Hannah, because Hannah was my future, and Bones was my past.

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Hannah arrived in DC today. I was sitting in the diner with Bones, when I saw her out the window walking toward the diner. It was so great to see her. She put in a request to be assigned to the Washington press core, just so she can be here with me. It has been a long time since anyone has changed her life for me. I can't remember being so happy.

Sweets is driving me crazy. He keeps trying to analyze my relationship with Hannah. He keeps mentioning my relationship with Bones, but that is in the past and has to stay there. Hannah is my present and my future. I told him Hannah makes me happy, and I'm glad she's here. Sweets needs to mind his own business.

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Bones said she had fantasies of me in Maluku. Since she doesn't love me, I guess they were because she needed to satisfy biological urges.

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I asked Hannah to move in with me. I think Bones was surprised.

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I came home to find all the women from the lab at my place, drinking wine and talking to Hannah. It felt a little strange at first, and then Hannah presented me with a phone, the old-fashioned type that has a dial. I think the gift was from Bones though, because I never told that story to Hannah. That is one of the things that is 'ours'. Just between Bones and me.

One by one, they left, and only Bones was left with us. She realized the situation, and went to leave, but as I walked her to the door, I saw a forlorn look on her face. I wonder if she regrets what happened between us. I told her I would see her tomorrow, and she left.

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Bones told me she had planned the perfect murder today. What a strange comment to make.

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She dressed up as a skeleton and was a guest on a kids science show today. It was great to see her, and it made me think of all the reasons I fell in love with her, but Hannah is my life now, and I have to put those thoughts out of my mind.

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I made Hannah dinner tonight. I want her to be happy, so I will do anything for her. She made a comment about me proposing and had a terrified look on her face, but I told her it was just dinner. About a week ago, I told Sweets that I bought her new sheets and all types of bathroom stuff. I really want this to work, so I will put as much effort as I can into it.

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Hannah was shot today, and I had to leave a suspect and go to the hospital. Bones joined us later, saw a problem with her x-ray, and told us she needed immediate surgery. She saved Hannah's life.

When she told me on the steps of the Hoover, that she didn't have an open heart, she was so wrong. I wish she would see herself for who she really is, because every day I see the good things she does, and I am amazed at the woman she has become during the past few years.

I wondered about what could have been, as she left Hannah's room and went to see the doctor. I know it's wrong, and I know I am happy with Hannah, but sometimes when I look at her, I wonder.

While Hannah was in surgery, I went back to the Hoover to question a suspect, and Sweets met me in the hall. He said I should be with Hannah, but I told him I need to question the suspect, and besides Bones said, the operation was a simple procedure. I am getting sick of his interfering. He needs to mind his own business.

I went to the hospital to see Hannah after her surgery, and she wanted to bet that she would catch the killer before me. I need to tell her about my past one day soon. I just have to wait until the right time. As she pulled me in for a kiss, she thanked me for being her big scary protector.

.Bones came to wake me up today, so I could get my form signed by Sweets. She heard my Bones popping, and told me I was getting old. I can always count on her to tell me the truth.

As we were walking into the Hoover, to meet with Sweets, she listed all my former injuries. I asked her how she has room in your brain to remember all those things, and she told me that she remembers, because she cares about me. I wonder how much? I've realized that she is more honest about her feelings since she came back. Maybe the trip did help her after all.

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We went on a cruise where women pay to be with younger men. Some of these men look barely old enough to be legal. Why would they want older women? Some young kid tried to pick up Bones, I tried to stop him, but she stayed and talked to him. I was glad when Daisy called, and she had to walk away from him. Afterward I thought, why should I care about who she is with I have Hannah now, but it still bothered me.

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Hodgins and Angela announced that she was pregnant today. We were all supposed to meet at the "Founding Fathers" restaurant, so they could make the official announcement, but as Bones and I were walking there, I got a text from Hannah. I told Bones to lie to our friends so I can go have sex with Hannah. I have never lied like this before, what is she doing to me? I wonder what Bones thought of my behavior. I really miss Hannah, so I would rather be with her, but I still feel like I did something wrong.

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I think it's time for Hannah to meet Parker. Last weekend when Hannah was gone, Parker came to stay with me. He only visits when she's not here. Well during breakfast, he looks at me and says, "Daddy, I hate your new girlfriend". I've been avoiding this too long, it's time for them to meet.

I talked to Hannah today about meeting Parker, and she looked terrified. I tried to reassure her, but I don't know how well it went. She asked me what she would do if he hates her. I immediately thought of the conversation Parker and I had this morning, but I didn't tell her. I'm sure it will be ok.

Bones talked to me about Parker today. She said I sounded nervous. Well, what did she expect, after what he said to me? However, I know it's going to work out, I just know it.

Hannah was wonderful with Parker. I think I was more nervous than she was. Once I left them alone, they got along great.

I told Bones about Parker and Hannah, and she looked sad. I wonder if she regrets her decision last year?

When the case was over, we met at the diner. Hannah had taken Parker out for ice cream; they came back talking about what a great time they had. I am so happy that Parker likes Hannah. I think this is going to work out.

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Bones is acting very strange. We have a case about this doctor who was murdered, and she seems to be over identifying with the victim. I called Sweets in on the case, because she is really starting to worry me. He said Angela called him too. Something is going on, and it's really starting to bother me. I don't know what to do to help her.

She came to my office today to talk with Lauren Eames's boss, and she freaked out when she saw the picture of the victim. She asked me if she looked familiar, and then when I said no, she grabbed the evidence and rushed out of my office. Something is definitely wrong.

Bones went with me to talk to a suspect, and picked up evidence without gloves on. She is behaving erratically and I still don't know why. Later she came to my office and started an argument with me about whether or not the victim was a drug addict. She became very emotional, and I thought she was going to cry. She also said something strange to me. She said, "Ergo, Ipso-Facto, Colombo, Oreo." that isn't even Latin. She won't talk to Angela or Sweets, and I don't know how to handle this.

I started watching Bones more carefully today. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I am going to follow her for a while to be sure she doesn't do something stupid.

Well, I'm glad I followed her, because she went to the worst part of town, in the pouring rain and as I watched her, she crouched down to look at something in the road. A car came speeding down the road, and would have killed her if I didn't pull her out of the way.

She told me she solved the case, but couldn't prove it. When we got into my car, she told me she regretted saying no to me. As I was driving down the road, she sat in the seat, her seat, next to me and told me she wanted me. It felt like a sword was piercing my heart.

What was I going to do? I had Hannah, I loved her, I really did, and she made me so happy. However, on the other hand, I also loved Bones, but I knew that now was not the time to work through these feelings. Bones needed time to think about what she is feeling. These feelings are new to her, she needs to sort them out before making any decisions, and I have Hannah now, so I had to tell Bones that Hannah is not a consolation prize.

When Bones told me no, I worked very hard to stop loving her, then I met Hannah, and I realized how easy it was to love her, so I forced myself to hide those feelings for Bones. I hid them deep in my heart, so I could love Hannah. I couldn't open myself up to loving Bones anymore. I wouldn't survive that hurt again.

I needed to concentrate on Hannah. I needed to love her, she gave up everything for me, she really loved me, and I loved her. Not in the same way I loved Bones, I don't think I will ever love someone like that again, but in her own way. In a Hannah way, and I needed to hold onto that happiness that I had finally found.

I asked Bones if she wanted me to call someone, because I couldn't think of anything else to say. How do I tell her that I am too scared to try again? How do I tell her that if I let myself, I could love her? How do I tell her that I never stopped loving her, but forced myself to hide my feelings? What does someone say to a past love in this situation? What was I supposed to do?

I dropped her off at the Jeffersonian, sat in the parking lot, and cried.