A/N Special thanks to my betas HEAR and Sirenastarot. And as always, I don't own Twilight.
Chapter Six: What Am I Doing?
EPOV
As we pulled into the coffee shop, I couldn't tell you how we got there. My brain was set ablaze with the intensity of the emotions that were coursing through me. What am I doing? This isn't a life I can have. I have to return to Los Angeles eventually. Marcus is going to find me and drag me kicking and screaming back to the world that is just dying to spit me out broken.
My body ached from the power that convulsed through the car. It was actually a relief to get out into the fresh air. I held the door to the café for Bella, enjoying the smell of her hair as she walked by me. Suddenly, I felt an electric shock as Bella's elbow just barely grazed my abdomen. It was the same shock I felt when our hands first touched earlier that night at the bar. We gasped simultaneously. She felt it too. Again.
I blushed. I never blush. All the same, I still blushed.
She mumbled an apology for running into me.
"No, it's okay. Really." I tried to keep my voice light but even I could hear the strain behind it. I was incredibly confused, fascinated, anxious, and euphoric all the same time.
Without even thinking about it, like it was a natural thing to do, I rested my hand on the small of her back as we walked to our table. Instead of receiving a shock from the contact, my touch created a soft buzz that warmed my body. When we took our seats, I sat very close to her. Despite her proximity, I wanted to be even closer. I gazed down at her, deeply into her soft, brown eyes and fought the urge to bury my hands in her long, silky hair. She looked back at me, as unsure about what was going on as I was.
When I finally spoke, I was surprised how rough my voice was. I did not sound like myself. "How do you have this effect on me?"
She blushed again, and lowered her eyes. "I would ask you the same thing," she admitted softly.
Bella looked up at me and I got lost in her eyes. I startled myself when I realized I didn't want to find my way out. I shuddered, breaking the effect while I tried to collect myself. The depth of the emotions I was feeling so quickly was scaring me. I needed to get my head out of the clouds and face reality. Our waitress came by at that time and gave me a blissful moment to collect my scattered wits. My coffee steamed in its cup. I saw Bella take a sip and wince.
"Imagine that, hot coffee," she said, half to herself, her lips twisting into a smirk.
I smiled. She was as nervous as I was. I carefully touched her face with my fingertips. Her skin was incredibly soft and warm. The burning I felt anytime we touched sizzled gently as I touched her. Mesmerized, I watched as she closed her eyes and sighed. This woman was amazing. I couldn't help myself and took her hand gently in mine and felt the warmth overcome me completely.
The time passed easily with Bella. I held her hand as we sipped our coffees and opened up to one another exchanging funny stories about our lives. There was one particularly embarrassing story of my childhood that had her snorting with laughter. Emmett and I had made a bet on who could win at wrestling. The loser had to wear one of Alice's dresses to school the next day. I thought me being older meant I would win. But despite Emmett being younger than I was, he was stronger. He was a natural athlete and I was not. Emmett had me pinned in no time with my hand slapping the floor in defeat. The next day at school was not a fun day for me. Bella's eyes twinkled as she laughed, picturing the image of a childhood version of me in a dress. I had to admit, I thought it was pretty funny too, although as a child I did not.
Most of Bella's stories dealt with her clumsiness. It seemed she couldn't go very far as a child without tripping on thin air. While it embarrassed her at the time, she was able to find the humor in it now. She had made many friends with the hospital staff during her many trips there over the years. When she moved up to Ohio and had her medical records transferred, it took several weeks to get everything mailed. She joked that the medical records office dedicated one person for a whole week just to get all her records together.
We talked well through out the night, sharing our favorite things with each other. Thankfully neither one of us discussed our favorite movies or music. It would have been too difficult to discuss without me possibly giving myself away. It seemed we both shared a love of literature and had some similar tastes in authors. Eventually, Bella stretched and tried to hide a yawn. The blush in the sky outside declared how long we had talked. I didn't want the night to end but I didn't know how to prolong it and I wasn't even sure if I should try.
"I should get you home. I didn't realize how late it was," I said softly as I stoked her hand in mine with my thumb. If only I could keep you here.
The approaching sunrise surprised her as she looked out the window of the coffee shop.
"Me either." She looked at me for a moment, puzzled. "Where are you staying?"
I had to think about that for a moment. I had no idea where I was going to sleep. I hadn't thought that far when I left the Odeon. I had the room at the Renaissance last night but Marcus would've checked me out after we left the hotel for the venue. And I wasn't about to go crawling back there tonight to see if Marcus was still around. The Volvo is pretty comfortable, I thought to myself. Wouldn't be the first time I had slept in my car overnight.
"I don't know actually. I hadn't thought that far ahead before I pulled into the bar." Alice would skin me alive if she knew I slept in my car again. I resigned myself to a nap in the car. I had done it before and I could do it again. Alice would get over it.
She looked up at me tentatively, suddenly unsure and quite nervous. "Um... I have an extra room at my house. I know it sounds crazy but you are welcome to stay there if you like. It's on the other end of the house from my room so you'll have all the privacy you want. If you want to, anyway... kinda weird I know..."
Wow. It was unexpected but not necessarily unwanted. I would be able to be around her that much longer. But it was a friendly gesture, nothing else. She wasn't asking me to come home with her to her bed. Bella didn't seem the type that would invite strange men into her bed anyway. Although she also didn't seem like the type to invite strangers to her home either.
She started to pull her hand from mine, her cheeks flaming.
I held onto her hand and looked at her gently. "Are you sure? I can easily find a place around here." I doubted that I could but I didn't want her to feel bad about me sleeping in my car.
She actually laughed at me. You don't know your way around here. And there aren't any hotels in Vermilion anyway."
"I see. If that's the case, I don't want you to feel obligated." I was serious now. I did not want her feeling like she had to put me up because there wasn't anything around here. I wanted her to actually want me there.
Bella's face snapped up surprised. "Obligated? No, not in the least! I just thought..." She didn't finish her sentence. I wished I could read her mind and see what she didn't want to say.
I squeezed her tiny hand in mine. It felt good there like that was where it was supposed to be. Good Lord, what am I doing? "It's okay, just as long as you are sure. Whatever you want in compensation just let me know."
She shook her head, her hair shining in the light. "No, I don't want your money. It's okay. It's only one night after all, right?"
That question knocked the wind out of my sails. I needed to stop dreaming and wake up in the real world. The real world that declared that I did not belong here and never would. I was setting us both up to be hurt if I tried to pursue anything. I would eventually have to return to the hell known as LA, to my lonely apartment filled with reminders of a life that was slowly squeezing me to death. I tried to fight the new feelings that were swirling inside of me, but it was becoming increasingly difficult.
"Yeah...I suppose so. But giving you something would only be fair for you opening your home to me."
Bella didn't respond.
I paid the bill as she looked on, deep in thought. We walked quietly back to my rented Volvo. The silence continued back to the Midnight Sun. As I pulled up next to her old truck, I was overcome with shyness. I felt like the nerdy kid asking his first big crush to the dance except I had a sinking feeling this was no mere crush for me. Edward...what are you doing?
"You sure about this Bella? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."
"Its fine, E-Anthony." She corrected herself mid-sentence.
Was she just going to call me Edward?! Crap!
"Just follow me. My house is only a few miles down the road." She didn't look at me as she climbed into her old truck.
I breathed again, trying to calm myself as I got into my car. Being behind the wheel of the car gave me a chance to think clearly. I did my best thinking behind the wheel. I would drive for hours back home when I was a teenager. I had a Volvo just like this back in LA. I missed it. It was a great car. My car was my only escape in LA. That car handled better than this rental did. The rental company didn't take care of their vehicles as well as I did mine. But it still did the job well enough.
I was so lost in thought that I almost missed the turnoff that Bella took to my right. I followed her and pulled into a wide gravel driveway.
I met Bella at the front step of her house. In the early morning light, I saw a large ranch with tarps draped across the roof over the sections of the house she was still working on. The part of the house that was not covered up was white with black shingles and black shutters. The front yard was well maintained but not over landscaped. There were flowers and some bushes along the front sides of the house. I could hear the waves lap the beach from the lake below us. She opened the door and walked in, not looking behind her as I followed. She stopped in the living room, a small, shy smile on her face.
"This is my home," she said simply.
"I like it."
I genuinely did. Even unfinished, it had warmth. You could tell she was putting herself into this house. It wasn't overly feminine like some houses were. There were delicate touches here and there but her strength shined through it all. She showed me the entire house, where I'd be sleeping, and her plans for the unfinished parts. She explained her plans in such detail that they were easy to picture. Bella's love for her home was clearly evident in how she spoke. She continued the tour to the other side of the house.
"This side of the house is where the master suite is located." She blushed but continued anyway. The hallway was shorter here, and only had two doors. "This is my room and the master bath." She didn't open either door and I didn't try to enter uninvited.
We walked back to the main part of the house. The focus of Bella's home was the living room and kitchen. The kitchen was bright and open. It faced the north side of the property, like the room I would be staying in did, so there was a great view of the lake. The living room faced the south, towards the road and had a large picture window that let lots of sunlight in. There was only a partial wall that separated the kitchen from the living room. It allowed some separation between the rooms without disturbing the mood. The beach below was not visible from the kitchen window. The house was up on a small embankment that gave the house some privacy from the shore. Bella pointed to the stairs off to the left side of the back yard that led down to the beach as she told me more about the house.
To others, this may have been boring but I was enthralled. I was enthralled with this house and enthralled with all that was Bella. Her voice was soft and gentle as she spoke and her hair glistened in the morning sun. The skin of her face shone with excitement as she pointed out things she wanted to do next year to the backyard. I wanted to bury my face in her hair, touch her soft skin, and hold her close.
Bella turned and looked up at me as she finished her explanations. A delicate, beautiful blush rose up her cheeks as she saw the expression on my face. I touched her face again with my fingers, relishing in the softness of her skin. She turned her face into my hand until I was cupping her cheek. We stood there staring into each others eyes, lost in the fire that burned us both. Before my mind could tell me to stop, I leaned down to kiss her. As my lips inched closer to hers, she turned her face out of my hand and looked away. Conflict was written all across her face.
"I'm sorry," I murmured. I really was. I wasn't trying to seduce her. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. I was just so drawn to her and it was hard not to touch her. She offered a place to sleep for the night and that was it. Not this. Not some strange guy pawing all over her.
She turned her face toward me again but she would not look me in the eye. "It's okay. I... I … I need to go to bed now. There are clean towels and soap in the bathroom if you want to get cleaned up. I'll be up around noon. Goodnight Anthony."
She turned and walked away quietly without saying another word. I heard her bedroom door open and close.
I sighed and walked back to my room. I doubted I would get any sleep.
----
I woke up about eleven later that morning. I had actually managed to fall asleep. Thankfully, I didn't dream. Or if I did, I didn't remember any of them. The last thing I needed right then were dreams of Bella, beautiful, smart, sexy Bella. I walked out of my room and around the house making as little noise as possible. Her bedroom door was still shut so she must've still been asleep. I could hear the crashing waves on the beach again so I walked out to the backyard. The view was spectacular. I could see for miles. The beach was about thirty feet below the house. It was small, about fifty feet long, but it was still a beach. The dock was only big enough for a dingy or a small fishing boat. I walked back in the house and my stomach growled loudly.
I headed into the kitchen and decided to make up for my actions from the night before. I rummaged through her refrigerator and cabinets until I found everything I needed. About ten minutes later, the kitchen was filled with smells of bacon crisping and eggs frying. I smiled to myself, excited about surprising Bella with breakfast. I popped some bread in the toaster when I heard her bedroom door open.
Bella's bare feet hardly made a sound on the wooden floor as she walked into the kitchen. She was wearing blue boxers and an old band t-shirt. Her face still looked half-asleep but she had managed to pull her long hair into a ponytail. She looked beautiful. Bella blinked her eyes a few times as she peered at me, her brain finally registering my presence standing there in her kitchen making breakfast.
"What are you doing?" Bella mumbled. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands.
"Making you breakfast, silly. Since you won't take my money for letting me stay here last night, the least I can do is make you breakfast."
"Oh. Um, alright. Thanks?" She padded over to the table and sat down with an ungraceful plop.
Apparently she is not a morning person, I thought to myself.
I grabbed two plates and piled them full of eggs and bacon. The toast popped just in time and I added them to the plates before putting them on the table.
"Voila! Breakfast is served, madam."
She still seemed stunned but she started to eat her breakfast. As I ate, I watched her out of the corner of my eye. Slowly her face brightened as she woke up completely. Bella blinked a few times and stared at her half empty plate. Then her gaze traveled up to me.
"Mornin', sunshine," I murmured with a smile on my face.
She blushed. "Hi. Thank you. This is delicious."
"You're welcome."
We finished our breakfast in a comfortable silence. When she was finished, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen. Esme had beaten it into me as a small child not to leave a mess in the kitchen. After I was done, I turned and saw her watching me with an indescribable look on her face.
"What time were you planning on leaving today?" She asked me suddenly.
I had the impression that wasn't what she was originally going to ask me.
"Um, I'm not sure. I hadn't really thought about an exact time. Is there a particular time you would like me out of your hair by?" I tried to interject some humor into my question but she didn't seem to pick up on it.
Bella's eyes darted to the floor before she answered. "No, you are welcome to stay as long as you need to today. I have to leave soon to open the bar so if you aren't ready to go yet, just lock up when you leave and I'll leave you directions on how to get back to the highway."
The finality of what she said hit me. I didn't want this to be the end. I was also a little surprised at how trusting she was of a stranger. Her trust and generosity was not something that was normally found amongst the sane in LA.
"Bella, I…" I wanted to tell her how I felt, who I really was and that I wanted to stay with her, as long as she wanted me. My mind shrieked warnings at how deep my feelings had developed for her so quickly but my heart wasn't listening.
She shook her head, misinterpreting my hesitation. "It's alright, Anthony. I trust you for some crazy reason; otherwise I would've allowed you to stay here." Bella walked back to her bedroom and closed the door. I heard another door open and close, probably to her bathroom.
Defeated, I walked back to my room. There had to be way to make this work, for her to know that I cared for her. I had to show her I was going to stick around and I wasn't after some casual fling. A plan began to brew in my head. I got more excited as it took shape.
Satisfied that it would work, I dug my cell phone out of my pocket and turned it on. My voicemail lit up again. There were five messages from Marcus, two from Alice, one from Emmett, and one from my mother; all stating about the same thing: 'Where are you?' 'Are you okay?' 'When are you coming home?'
Well, aren't I the popular one today?
I called my mother first to let her know I was still alive, but was sorting some things out. She sounded relieved but didn't pry. Esme knew me well enough by now to give me the space I needed. Alice took a bit more convincing. She knew something was up and was determined to find out. I eventually had to be shorter with her than I wanted to be just to keep her from continuing to try to dig information out of me. Emmett was the easiest. All I had to do was call him and he knew I was okay. I think that conversation lasted all of thirty seconds. The last phone call would be the least enjoyable. I walked outside to the backyard to get some fresh air while I dialed Marcus' number. He answered on the first ring.
"So you DO live!" was the sarcastic greeting I received.
"Hi Marcus," I replied as I rolled my eyes.
"Are you planning on telling me what is going on?"
"I am taking some time off."
"Edward, we discussed this. The label-"
"Marcus, I don't give a flying fuck what the label thinks right now." I was getting angry. I was tired of getting pushed around. "I've been working like crazy for the past three years. I need a break. I am not asking you. I am telling you. I am taking some time off!"
"What about the movie? You have to report to the set in a month."
"I know."
"Well?"
"Well what?" I demanded.
"Are you going to show up?"
I sighed, resigned. "As of right now, yes. That may change." Let Marcus chew on that for a bit.
"What-" Marcus' shocked response was cut off as I hung up on him and dialed the car rental place. I extended my rental indefinitely. Normally this wasn't allowed, but when you're a celebrity and have money to throw around as needed, you can make things like that happen.
When I returned to the house, Bella had already left. She left the directions to the highway on the kitchen table. Holding the paper down was a Corona bottle cap. I slipped the cap in my jeans pocket and scanned the directions. Not satisfied with where the directions were telling me to go, I sat down at the computer she had in the living room. I hoped she wouldn't be mad I used it. I wasn't going to pry into anything that she had on there; I just needed Internet access. I googled the directions I needed and wrote them down on the back of the directions Bella left me. Full of excitement, I practically ran out the house and hopped in my car, directions tightly in hand.
I drove for about a half hour to the nearest mall based on the directions I got from Google Maps. I didn't have any of my clothes from my hotel room so I needed some fresh ones. Thankfully, I had enough cash on me. Using my credit card would just be flashing my name across the city. As soon as I walked in, I found a baseball hat store. I quickly picked out a Seattle Mariners hat. As soon as it was paid for it, I put it on. A hat was an easy disguise and I missed the Mariners hat I had at home.
I spent a couple of hours at the mall getting the things I needed. Nothing like stimulating the local economy, I thought to myself. By the time I was done, the back seat of the Volvo was full. If things went well, I'd be in Ohio a little longer than I originally anticipated when I first arrived.
I made one other stop before heading back to Bella's house. I took only some of the stuff inside and one of my new outfits. I eagerly took a shower, finally able to get the previous day's worth of dirt and grime washed off me. It was rather cathartic, like washing the sins of the past away. I got out, refreshed mentally and physically and even more hopeful for tonight. I dressed with care and took extra time with my hair to try to tame it, even though that was usually a lost cause. I kept the Mariners hat with me in case I needed to make a fast escape.
It was about five o'clock when I pulled into the Midnight Sun. Happy hour was in full swing and the bar was packed with people unwinding from a long day of work. I was nervous again, so nervous. What's the worst that could happen? She could say no, and that would be that. I hoped she wouldn't say no.
I walked in the bar quickly, before I lost my nerve. Jacob the bouncer was by the door again. Instead of the glare I received yesterday, he looked surprised as I walked in. I ignored him and strode purposefully to the bar where Bella was too occupied to notice my entrance. I sat down at one of the few empty bar stools and bided my time.
When she finally noticed me, the fire exploded within my chest as our eyes met.
She flushed all the way to the top of her forehead as she shook her head furiously and stalked over to me. "What are you doing here?" she whispered angrily.
That was not the reaction I had expected. But then again, I wasn't sure what to expect. "I wanted to talk to you," I whispered earnestly. "I was hoping you could get out of work early tonight."
That surprised her. She blinked a few times before she responded. "I thought you had to go back to wherever you came from."
"Eventually, but not today. I decided that I am going to take some time off. I haven't had a break or a vacation in some time. Can someone cover for you tonight?" I asked again.
She was thoroughly puzzled now, but she nodded. "Yes. What time?"
"Meet me at your house at 8pm." I said happily, smiling crookedly at her.
She blushed, looking a bit flustered before she glanced down at her hands. "Alright. Are you sticking around the bar this afternoon?"
I shook my head. I really wanted to but I had a lot of things to get ready before she got home. "No. I have some things to take care of this afternoon. I'll see you at eight!" I smiled hugely at her and turned back to the parking lot. As I was leaving, I saw a waitress go running over to Bella with her eyes bugging out of her head. I had a feeling that the waitress recognized me. I laughed to myself all the way back to Bella's house, surprisingly unconcerned.
I worked for hours making everything perfect at Bella's house. I was going to tell her tonight. I was going to tell her everything and hoped that she wouldn't kick me out. Edward, you are insane, I thought to myself. You just met her yesterday and now she has turned your whole life upside down. But after feeling what I had felt for the first time in my life in the past twenty-four hours, I wouldn't want it any other way.
As I waited for Bella to come home, I got my guitar out and began to play. I sat on the back deck and listened to the gulls as I strummed away. A new melody began to form and I concentrated on it to commit it to memory. I ran through it a few times, trying out different chord progressions and a counter melody. Satisfied, I ran through the new song again in its entirety. The sun began to dip towards the watery horizon. Before I lost all track of time, I went back inside and put my guitar away. I quietly hummed the new song as I continued my preparations for Bella.
When I heard her truck tires crunch up the gravel driveway, my stomach tied up in knots. I quickly lit the candles on the table and leaned against the sink as I waited for her to walk in. I heard the front door open and close, then her soft steps through the living room hallway. She stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. Her large brown eyes look down at the table and up at me. Her lower lip trembled as her gaze became watery.
Before me, I had transformed her kitchen table into a romantic diner. The flames from the short, fat candles twinkled in the breeze from the open kitchen windows. A bottle of wine sat on the table ready to be uncorked. The linguini I made was resting on the stove, and her stereo was playing Claire de Lune. It was one of my favorite pieces of music.
My hands started to shake as my anxiety over her reaction got the best of me. I walked over to her quickly before I lost all my nerve. "Bella...Bella I have something to tell you."
I took her hands and looked deeply into her eyes, searching for any sign of encouragement. She only nodded, her eyes wide with confusion and uncertainty. I guided her over to the couch in the living room and sat down next to her, taking her hands in mine.
"Bella, these past twenty-four hours have been some of the best in my life. You have turned my world upside down and I don't even know how. I felt drawn to the Midnight Sun and it seems you were the reason. I feel drawn to you in ways I've never felt towards anyone before, ever. I want to get to know you better, to be with you. I know there are some logistical issues but I want to make this work. I want to try. For the first time, I've found something worth making the impossible possible."
She looked away from me, lower lip trembling again. She bit it to stop. I had a moment of doubt, that maybe I misread her signals, that maybe she didn't feel the same pull to me that I felt for her. Nevertheless, I already let the cat out of the bag so I might as well let the litter out too.
"I haven't been completely up front with you about who I am. I was afraid of what you would think of me."
Her eyes darted up to mine, surprised. "You were afraid?" she asked in a whisper.
"Yes, I was afraid of how you would react when I came clean with you. I didn't want to mislead you, but I wanted you to like me for me, not for what I am." I took a deep breath before I continued. "My first name technically isn't Anthony. It's my middle name. My full name is Edward Anthony Masen Cullen."
There was a long pause. I started to panic when she didn't respond. She continued to stare at our hands, a blush creeping up her cheeks.
Finally she looked up at me with tears evident in her eyes. "I thought correctly then."
Now I was the one shocked into silence.
"I figured it out last night when you froze while we were dancing, when your song started to play." She continued when I still didn't speak. "I figured you had a reason for hiding who you were. So I didn't call you out."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I just felt that if you wanted to be known, that you would've said who you were when you introduced yourself. You were so lost and confused when you walked into the bar last night. I didn't know what to do." She stared down at her hands again, still clasped in mine. "And if you wanted me to know who you were, I figured you would tell me when you were ready." A tear rolled down her cheek and splashed on my hand.
"Bella, why are you crying?" I let go of her hands and held her face between mine, wiping her tears away with my thumbs.
"Because no matter what you say about how you feel, you eventually have to leave. This isn't Hollywood and I don't belong in your world. Whatever feelings you have for me don't matter. Whatever feelings I have towards you don't matter." She tried to look away but couldn't. Her eyes blazed into mine.
My heart stopped."Wait, you care about me too?" I had hoped, I dared to hope, but I couldn't be sure until I heard the words that came from her mouth.
She glared at me. "You feel it, just like I do."
"It does matter," I argued, my voice rough with emotion. My vision blurred as I gazed at her. The fire that I had held at bay all this time ignited like a supernova. I let out a low moan deep in my throat before I pulled her face to mine and thoroughly and absolutely kissed her.
A/N Please read and review! :)