A/N Special thanks to my PTB betas HEAR and Sirenastarot. And as always, I don't own Twilight.
Chapter Eleven: My Dreams Flew Away
BPOV
The rest of our final week together went by way too fast. I had considered calling off work for the rest of the week so I could spend all the time I could with Edward, but I felt guilty the moment the thought crossed my mind. It wasn't fair to Angela and Jacob to pick up my slack. And it wasn't fair to Edward either. He needed time to study his script. So I suffered through work and tried not to look at the clock every five minutes until closing time. When we finally finished shutting the bar down on Friday morning, I rushed home and didn't care if I passed every police officer in Vermilion in the process. Angela told me to take my time coming in on Friday afternoon after I took Edward to the airport. She and Jacob both understood and were sympathetic, even if Jacob didn't know who Edward really was.
The last Friday morning was very bittersweet. Edward and I both felt it. We held each other's gazes longer, hugs and soft touches lingered. It didn't take him long to pack a small carry-on. Most of the things he bought when he decided to stay in Ohio would stay here for when he returned. I liked the idea of seeing his stuff here. It made me more hopeful that I would see him again, even if I didn't know when. I could still feel that pit of despair lingering in the shadows though, waiting to swallow me up.
Edward tossed his carry-on in the bed of my truck and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll see you up there shortly." He hopped in his Volvo and headed out to drop off the car.
I followed behind him a few minutes later. I needed some time to compose myself. Seeing him drive away just to the Enterprise store was almost too much. But once I got in the truck, it got easier. Maybe because I was driving towards him, even if it was just to let him go. Each mile put him closer to his flight. When I pulled into the Enterprise lot, Edward was just finishing up with the associate by the Volvo. I kept the truck running and remained in the cab. I watched him run his hand through his hair before he shook the associate's hand. Why is he nervous? He normally only played with his hair when he was agitated or nervous.
He climbed in the passenger seat of the truck and immediately took my hand. He held it quite firmly, like he was afraid I was going to disappear. Edward's thumb stroked my hand in little circles as I drove. Traffic started to increase as we entered the airport complex. Large amounts of traffic always made me a little nervous since I wasn't around it all the time. After ten minutes of driving, I eventually found a parking spot in the short-term parking deck. Quietly, I shut off the engine. We sat there together in the cab, neither one of us moving to exit the truck.
Edward squeezed my hand and gave me a reassuring smile.
"I love you, Edward." This was the first time I had said it first.
Edward noticed and his eyes melted with love. "I love you too, Bella." He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me sweetly. He sighed then muttered unhappily, "Shall we get this over with?"
I nodded, unable to speak for the moment.
Edward grabbed his bag from the back of the truck. I joined him by the tailgate, not looking forward to giving him up. He seemed to understand as he looked down at me with a little sad smile. He took my hand again in his and squeezed it. "I know, love. It sucks." He pulled out his Mariners hat from his carry-on and slipped it on. It was almost a crime to cover his amazing bronze hair. He smiled sheepishly at me, "Camouflage."
I smiled back. It did make sense. He was very identifiable by his hair. Covering up would give any media types a harder time tracking him down. I doubted that there would be any in Cleveland, yet, but why make it any easier? We walked into the airport hand-in-hand. I tried not to let the panic overtake me as we walked. He'll be back. He'll be back. He'll be back.
Because Edward didn't have any baggage to check in, he was able to use one of the electronic ticket booths to confirm his seat for his flight. His boarding pass printed and Edward tucked it into the pocket of his bag. We walked slowly toward the Continental terminal. I could only go as far as the security checkpoint. I so wished, just for that moment, I could go right to the gate with him like we were able to do before 9/11. Our time together now was not measured in hours or days or weeks but in steps. I bit my lip. I wanted to stop, grab Edward, turn around and run back to my house and never come out. But reality had other plans.
Edward looked down at me with watery eyes. "Love," he whispered tenderly. He trailed his fingers along my jaw and across my lips.
"I know," I whispered miserably.
He dropped his bag at our feet and rested his hands on my shoulders. "I'll call you as soon as I land." His thumbs rubbed my collarbone.
"Edward." My voice was hoarse. All of my longing and emotions were swirling just beneath the surface. I was trying to contain myself for his sake. Making a scene in public would not do either of us any favors.
"I'll miss you so much, Bella. And I'll be back here before you know it," he said softly. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
My restraint was crumbling. One tear trekked its way down my cheek. He wiped it away.
"Be careful, Edward. I miss you already." It sounded lame to me but it was all I could say and not turn into a blubbering idiot.
He nodded, looking at me intently. Edward picked up his bag again and turned to join the line for the security checkpoint. I watched him through my lashes, not trusting myself to look up. I wanted to reach out to him but it was too late. I had just turned my back to trudge my way back to my truck when I felt a hand on my arm.
"Bella," Edward's voice was low and urgent. His eyes looked a little crazed. He grabbed my other arm and pulled me roughly against him. His bag dropped to the floor with a dull thud.
"Edwa-"
Edward cut me off with a searing kiss, keeping my lips completely and totally occupied. His hands buried themselves in my hair as my hands snaked up to his neck. I grabbed the curls that were exposed at the nape of his neck. The taste of his lips and his tongue was like nothing else. There was a certain wild desperation to the kiss that excited me and scared me at the same time, like this was our last kiss.
Long before I wished, he pulled away and gazed down at me again, mesmerizing me with his eyes. He mouthed "I love you" as he took another step back and grabbed his bag. I held his gaze, letting all my emotion pour into it, hoping it was enough to let him know how much I cared about him, and enough to survive the time and distance.
"I love you too," I whispered.
He was far enough away that I knew he couldn't hear me, but he smiled when he read my lips.
He finally had to turn away when he approached the x-ray conveyor belt and metal detector. I watched him slip his shoes off and put his bag on the belt to be x-rayed. He walked through the metal detector without any issues. Edward slipped his shoes back on, got his bag, and turned in my direction again. Edward put his hand over his heart then pushed his palm out like a wave, sending his love through that gesture. He smiled his crooked smile again and my knees almost buckled. I waved and tried to smile. It probably looked like I swallowed something distasteful. Edward looked at me once more before walking further into the terminal. I watched him until he got too absorbed by the crowd for me to follow.
I woodenly walked back to my truck. The pit of despair hovered under my feet, just waiting for the right moment to push me in. My truck was sluggish to start, like it was feeling my pain. The parking attendant looked bored as I paid my fare, almost missing my hand as he gave me my change. As I left the airport, I saw a Continental plane take off and I wondered if it was Edward's flight.
I only got a few miles down the highway before the road became too blurry for me to continue. Carefully, I pulled over onto the shoulder while cars and trucks zoomed by me. My body rocked back and forth as the tears finally came. I sobbed, crying harder than I ever thought possible. I cried when my mom passed, but she had been sick and we all knew she was dying. It was more of a relief that my mother was no longer in pain. This was something else entirely. Here was someone I loved dearly that was leaving. I knew it was coming, but it still felt sudden. There was no relief here unlike my mom's passing, only more pain. I tumbled head first into the pit.
I don't know how long I sat there on the side of the road. My nose was stuffed up and my eyes were swollen and dry. I had no more tears to shed right now. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to think happy thoughts as I tried to climb out of the pit. I was startled out of my despair by knocking on my passenger door window. A police officer stood at my passenger door, tapping the glass with the butt of his flashlight. I quickly rolled the window down.
"Is there a problem, ma'am?" the officer asked.
"No, officer. I'm sorry. I was just upset and thought it was better if I pulled off the road to collect myself before I tried to drive any further."
"Do you need someone to come get you?"
"No, I am better now."
The officer looked at me dubiously. I must've looked like a wreck. He turned to speak into his radio at his shoulder.
"Really. I'm fine." I tried to smile at him. I think it worked, kind of.
"Alright ma'am. But take your time. If you need to pull over again, do it."
"Yes, officer. Thank you for your concern."
"Ma'am," he said, walking back to his cruiser parked behind my truck.
I wiped my face with the bottom of my shirt and got back onto the road. About forty-five minutes later I pulled into the Midnight Sun. We had the typical Friday night crowd. Good. It will be busy enough to keep my mind occupied. As soon as I walked in, both Jacob and Angela took one look at my face and immediately rushed over to me.
"Hey, Bells."
"Hi, Bella."
"Hi, guys," I murmured. I was sure I still looked like hell. They both hugged me at the same time.
Angela gave Jacob a quick look as she steered me to my office. I tried not to notice the glances and looks from the people in the bar. She sat me down in the chair at my desk and firmly closed the office door. She leaned against the file cabinet across from me and looked at me sympathetically.
"Bad?" she asked softly.
"Very bad." My face crumbled and my shoulders shook.
"But you are going to see each other again, though, right? Didn't he tell you that a bunch of times before he left?"
"Yes, but saying it and doing it are two different things. Maybe when he gets back to LA he'll realize that he doesn't need me anymore and it was just a fling," I whispered. All of my fears were pulling me closer and closer to the pit again. I felt my feet slipping on the edge.
"Oh Bella, I seriously doubt that. Anyone can see how much Edward loves you just by how he looks at you. Anytime he has been in here, his only focus has been on you. God Himself could walk through those doors and Edward still would only have eyes for you."
"But our lives are so different. How could it work? How can we have a relationship when we live on opposite sides of the country?" Tears started streaming down my face again.
She rubbed my shoulder encouragingly. "If you want to make it work, it will. And he doesn't work all the time like you do. He gets breaks between movies and such. Plus he has the money to fly whenever and wherever he wants."
I tried to listen to what Angela had to say. She made sense, but I doubted I would believe her until I saw Edward again. I wanted to believe everything he said before he left. Why would he do such nice things fro me and treat me so respectfully if he didn't love me? He was always so attentive and his presents for my birthday were so sweet. I sighed sadly.
"Thank you, Angela. You've been a great friend." I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to collect myself again.
She handed me some tissues and a small make-up bag. "Here, you may want to freshen up before heading back out."
"Thanks again."
She nodded and squeezed my shoulder again before quietly slipping out of my office to give me some privacy. A few minutes later I felt I was more presentable and slowly made my way to the bar. Jacob gave me an encouraging smile from across the room and I smiled back. I tried to get back into my work as the night wore on. It was busy enough to keep my thoughts from wandering too much. I thought I was doing pretty well until a sound made me freeze. Edward's song, Don't Think had started on the jukebox. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. When I opened them, I saw Jessica looking at me quizzically. Thankfully, she did not come to me to investigate. I didn't think I could handle her questions tonight. I turned and rested against the back of the bar and listened to Edward's song play. It reminded me of my birthday just a few days earlier. I couldn't help but smile at the memory.
I jumped when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I fished it out and my heart jumped for joy when I read Edward's name on the caller id.
I glanced at Angela quickly and held up my cell phone so she knew I was taking a call. I retreated to my office so I could have some privacy.
"Hello?"
"Hi, love." Edward's voice was just as smooth over the phone as in person.
"How was the flight?" I asked politely. The pit of despair that had been looming around me backed off a bit.
"Long but okay. I was glad to be off the plane. It's good to be home but at the same time I wish I was somewhere else."
"Where?" I whispered.
"Anywhere where you are, love." My heart skipped a beat.
I heard him speak to someone else near him, something about a car and a meeting.
"Sorry, Bella," Edward apologized. "Marcus picked me up from the airport and he is already telling me how little time I am going to have to myself this weekend."
"What's going on?"
"The director wants to meet with me in person. Probably to make sure I'm not going to go off the deep end again. Hopefully that means I can get my hands on a shooting schedule."
"Hopefully," I agreed.
"How are you doing, Bella?" he asked softly.
"I'm okay. The bar is pretty busy so it keeps me occupied."
I heard a commotion in the background again, someone yelling to get back.
"Sounds like you are pretty busy yourself there."
"Nah, it's just the paparazzi. They were staking out LAX. There are usually at least a couple here at any given time to see who is coming through. As soon as I was identified in baggage claim, they came out of the woodwork. Thankfully Marcus had some foresight and had some security ready to keep them back. As it is, you will probably be able to see me on TMZ or E! tonight."
"I'd rather see you in person," I said quietly.
"I know, Bella. I wish I could be there or have you here with me. But I'll be there again before you know it. I miss you so much already," he murmured.
"I miss you too, Edward."
I heard the voice of the person Edward had been previously speaking to say something to Edward. I couldn't completely make out what he was saying with all the background noise.
"Bella, I wish we could talk longer, but I need to go. I need to talk to Marcus and a few others now that I'm back in town. Do you want to call me tonight when you get off work?"
"Alright," I said, disappointed that our conversation was going to be cut short so soon.
"I love you, Bella, so much. You haven't left my thoughts since I left."
"Love you too, Edward," I could barely speak above a whisper. I heard someone in the background shouting for Edward again.
"Bye."
"Bye." I closed my phone and my eyes at the same time. I took several deep breathes to try to steady myself. I was encouraged that he had called me, but he was off in his world now. Where was my place in his life among the lights of Hollywood?
I raced home after closing the bar. We were both pretty busy that night so we exchanged quick heartfelt texts throughout the night. I couldn't wait to call Edward again and hear his honey-laden voice. Knowing that I'd hear his voice every night was the only thing that was keeping me sane. Angela told me to call her if I needed anything. She said that she had gone through a long-distance relationship before and she knew what I was going through. That was comforting. Although having a long-distance relationship with an actor was a little different than a long-distance college boyfriend.
The house felt different without Edward there. It was empty. All of my stuff was still there, but it was still empty. I sighed. I tried to think happy thoughts to keep the pit at bay. It was always there, waiting. I turned my stereo on and put in the CD that Edward had made for me. Hearing his music and him singing helped too. I could almost imagine that he was still here.
I took a shower and slipped on one of his t-shirts, relishing the smell of him. My lullaby started to play as I walked back into the living room. I sat on the couch and closed my eyes, letting my memories from the past month come forth and sooth the hurt of missing Edward. Rejuvenated with his sound and his smell around me, I picked up my phone to call him.
It rang four times before going into voicemail.
His smooth voice sounded different in his recorded message, like he was a different person. "Hi, this is Edward Cullen. I am not available at the moment. Please leave a message with your number and I will return you call." This voice was remote and polished, not the warm honey that I had gotten used to hearing. My hand was shaking as I heard the beep prompt to begin my message.
"Hi Edward, it's Bella. I'm home, just relaxing before bed. Give me a call when you can. I love you."
I closed the phone and clutched it in my hand. I tried not to worry that he hadn't picked up the phone. It was about midnight in Los Angeles. Would he still be out this late? He was when he was here since I didn't get home until well past midnight. I wanted to try calling him again but thought better of it. He'll call when he can. Edward hasn't been home in two months. I'm sure he has things he needs to do.
I stayed on the couch and continued listening to the CD. When I found myself nodding off I sent a quick text telling Edward that I was going to bed and wishing him goodnight. While I lay in bed, I clutched my phone in hopes that he would call. I dreamt of Edward pushing me into my hovering pit of despair.
I woke up the next morning and rubbed sleep from my eyes. It felt like I hadn't slept at all. I rolled over to snuggle into Edward only to realize he wasn't there. He left yesterday, stupid. The rest of my memory came back to me quickly. I found my phone buried under my hip and checked it for any missed calls or texts. There weren't any.
I couldn't believe it. He hadn't called me back.
My eyes started to get blurry as I felt the pit slide under me. I tumbled down, over and over and over into darkness of despair.
I woke up feeling a buzzing in my hand. I flipped open the phone without looking at the caller ID. I didn't want to hope. "Hello?" I said, my voice a dead monotone.
"Bella?"
I sat up instantly.
"Bella, is that you?" the voice asked, concerned.
"Uh.. yeah.. hi," I whispered, my heart raced.
"You okay?" Edward's beloved voice asked from the other end of the phone.
"Yeah, I think so." Better now that you called.
"You sounded like you were dead there when you answered the phone."
"Um, sorry. I was asleep." And I had felt like my heart was buried in the bottom of a bottomless pit. But there was hope after all.
"I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay. I needed to get up for work." I struggled out of bed. "How was your evening?" Might as well get that out in the open. I was still hurt that he hadn't called me back.
"Man, Bella, I'm sorry I didn't call you back. I didn't want to wake you up. I didn't get home until very late, even for LA. Marcus had me going from the moment I landed."
It's okay," I said again. I wanted to say that he could call me any time, day or night, but something stopped me. I wanted him to want to call me any time without me asking him. Perhaps I was being unreasonable. It was his first night back home after all. I picked at Anthony's plush fur as he rested on my dresser.
"Bella..." His voice held so much longing. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to keep the tears away.
"I miss you," I whispered.
"I miss you too, love, so much. Even when Marcus had me out everywhere, you were always in my thoughts. Marcus actually had to yell at me a couple of times," I could hear the laughter in his voice.
"Why?"
"Because I had zoned out thinking about you. He was waving his hands in front of my face calling my name. I think he was about ready to pinch me if I hadn't snapped out of it."
I smiled, I couldn't help it. "What were you thinking about?"
"Your birthday, when we danced that first night, the fair, everything from this past month."
I sighed and clutched Anthony to my chest.
"I know this is going to be rough and our schedules are not always going to mesh up well, but we will talk every night okay? You can text me anytime. I can't go another night without hearing your voice." His voice was husky, the velvet was rough with longing.
Somehow, this man had read my mind. Hearing his voice on the stereo was nothing close to hearing his voice over the phone. The only thing that would be better would be hearing his voice in person. I couldn't help but laugh at the craziness of our situation.
"What's so funny?" he asked puzzled.
"Just all of this insanity. I was so crushed when you didn't call me back. I felt like you really didn't want me after all."
"Bella, I truly am sorry. I didn't mean for you to take it the wrong way. It was bad enough leaving you but Marcus really had me running around like a chicken with its head cut off. By the time I got home, it was so incredibly late and I wanted to make sure you got enough sleep, so I waited to call you until now."
"I tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep very well without you here." The few times I did fall asleep last night, I had horrible dreams of Edward pushing me into the pit. I didn't want to share my dreams with him yet. It would not help anything right now. They would only make things more difficult.
"That makes two of us," he admitted. "I wasn't sure how it would be because I had only slept with you in your bed and you've never been here. But no matter where I sleep, it just isn't the same without you next to me."
I couldn't help it. It felt good that he missed me that much, that he was just as sleepless as I was. "Edward, I love you," I said suddenly.
"I love you too, my sweet Bella."
We didn't talk much more because I really had to get going if I was going to get to the bar on time. Hearing from him helped me crawl out of the pit, but I was still scared. I had to admit it, long distance relationships never seemed to work and mine was unusual to boot. There were too many distractions in Tinsel town and I was too insecure. I just didn't know a damn thing I could do about it.
Edward and I texted occasionally throughout the day but we weren't able to actually talk until that night after work. He told me about the meetings he had that day. First, Marcus wanted Edward to hire a personal assistant and had a few to recommend so the two men spent some time interviewing the candidates. Edward really didn't see the point of an assistant but Marcus said it would help him manage his time and events better now that he was being serious about his career. Then Marcus hauled Edward off to meet the director of Everything But. The director really did want to make sure Edward wasn't going to go off the deep end again, as Edward thought. He was also given a schedule but only for the first two weeks. He would be in rehearsals for the first week, then shooting the second week. Edward said the second week would be much more difficult because he would have to go in early to get in costume and make-up. I giggled, remembering the story that Edward told me and picturing him in the dress that he had to wear to school with a full face of make-up, like a Mary Kay commando. He didn't find it as funny as I did.
Edward was true to his word. We spoke every night and texted throughout the days. We talked about how our days were going and our thoughts and feelings. He told me about each of his co-stars and how curious they were about the girl that Edward always ran home to talk to every night. I tried not to get jealous when he told me about Tanya, who was his romantic interest in the movie. I had seen her in a few movies before. She was gorgeous. Edward's only comment about her was that she was a good actress.
He had flowers sent to me every Monday. Each bouquet would show up at the bar during the middle of happy hour. Each week it was a different kind of flower, although a lot of them had Gerber daisies mixed in the other flowers. The first time I received a bouquet from him, I was overcome with tears of happiness. I had to call him right away. The conversation was short because he was in the middle of rehearsal but I made it clear what I would have wanted to do to him if he was here. He had to step away from the rehearsal after we finished talking so he could compose himself. The flowers kept me going. They were a tangible sign of his affection. I took a picture of each bouquet so I could make a collage out of the photos.
September rolled into October. Our routine of texting, talking, and flowers stayed the same. I listened to my birthday CD almost every night. Anthony, the stuffed mountain lion, had become a permanent fixture on my bed.
It was about two weeks before Thanksgiving when things started to change. We still spoke every day but the conversations were getting shorter and he was calling me later and later. He said he was exhausted and sounded distracted every time. He would seem interested in what was going on with me but he would be vague or aloof about himself. Edward had never seemed so distant before. Sometimes I would call him and the background noise was so loud I could barely hear him. Usually he would excuse himself from where he was so he could talk to me, but invariably someone would drag him back to whatever party or gathering he was attending.
I asked him about the parties one night after he could not stop yawning. He replied that he was okay, not to worry, and that the parties weren't important.
"If they aren't important, then why do you go?"
Edward was silent for a moment.
"I just do," he replied defensively.
I dropped the subject, while realizing that he was slowly pulling away from me. I was at a loss as to what to do.
When Edward first left, I started watching the celebrity entertainment shows like TMZ and Entertainment Tonight in hopes of seeing glimpses of Edward. A few times I did, but he was only ever on briefly. There was never anything scandalous about him. Most of the images that the photographers got were of him on set. After awhile, the novelty of looking him up wore off and I stopped watching. Now, that urge to watch was back. I was desperate for any sign of Edward that would explain what was going on, in hopes that I wasn't losing him like I thought I was.
After watching TMZ and not finding out anything, I googled Edward's name. I wondered why I had never done it before. I surmised that it was because I trusted him and didn't feel the need to read all the made-up gossip about him. It was there that I found out he had kept quite a bit from me, especially how well he knew his co-star, Tanya Denali. The links I found talked about how beautiful she was and all the men she had dated in the past, including Edward. Their romance was short-lived but intense. Some of the sites alluded that she was trying to rekindle their relationship now that they were in a movie together again. Those same sites also referred to a mysterious girlfriend that Edward claimed to have, but none of the sites put much weight on it because she was never seen with him or heard from. I grimaced as I read. I doubted making myself visible to these pariahs would help. They also commented that Edward hadn't done any one-on-one interviews since he had returned, just a few from on-set that didn't talk about anything but the movie. However, Tanya had. The particular site I was reading had the video of the most recent interview. The tag line described that the interview contained some juicy revelation about her and Edward's on-screen and off-screen chemistry and possible relationship.
I couldn't resist. I was like a moth drawn to a flame. I clicked on the link as I took a deep, steadying breath.
The interview was only from two days ago. I watched the video intently with the morbid curiosity of someone gawking while driving by a car accident. There she was, Tanya Denali, in all her glory sitting in the interview chair. She was the new bane of my existence. The only comment Edward had ever made about her was that she was a good actress. In her movies, she played a range of characters who were plain to those who were beautiful. In real life, Tanya was gorgeous. She had long, curly strawberry blonde hair, brilliant blue eyes, and a wide smile. Her skin was perfectly tanned like any proper California girl. She wore designer clothes and had her nails done. Tanya was everything I wasn't. She was Hollywood through and through. How could I possibly compete with someone like that?
The interview started out with basic questions about the upcoming movie. This wasn't the part I wanted to hear about. I just stared at Tanya, watching her gestures and mannerisms and her ease in front of the camera. Then the interviewer asked about Edward.
"There has been some talk about the chemistry that you and your co-star, Edward Cullen, have both on-screen and off-screen." Tanya smiled widely. "And you were seen a few weeks ago being very chummy with each other over coffee." Tanya nodded.
They were out for coffee? A date? My heart started to pound and I felt my blood pressure begin to skyrocket. When I googled his name, a ton of pictures and stories came up, but I didn't recall seeing anything about him going out for coffee.
"So, Tanya, I'm going to cut right to the chase. Are you and Edward Cullen dating again?"
I held my breath as I waited for her answer.
Tanya laughed before she spoke. "Well, Amanda, we just click."
I felt like I was going to be ill.
"Eddie and I had such an intense relationship before," Eddie? He told me he hates it when Emmett calls him Eddie. "And now it's like we've started where we left off." Tanya giggled. She sounded like a sick hyena to me.
I felt the bile rising in my throat. My mind was running away with itself with images of just what her comments meant, of her and Edward in the most intimate of embraces.
"So no animosity from the break-up? It was a pretty public fight you two had at that restaurant."
"Absolutely not. We were different people back then. Eddie and I have grown and matured."
"Speaking of changing, did you have anything do with Edward's recent sobriety? He hasn't been out as much as he used to be and there haven't been any drunken episodes since he's been back in LA."
Tanya laughed again. "Maybe…" She winked wickedly at Amanda. "All he needed was to release some tension and get his mind off of things for awhile." The lewd way that Tanya spoke made it very clear just what kind of tension she had been helping him release.
I gasped.Iwas the one who helped Edward find himself again, not Tanya. He said I was his rock. I was the reason he wasn't in the bottom of a bottle anymore. Betrayal thundered through me. My body began to shake as my blood pressure continued to climb. Was all of our month together just one big lie? Why would she lie about this, especially on national television?
"What about the rumors that he has some mysterious girlfriend out east?" Amanda asked.
My breath caught again as I waited for Tanya's answer. It felt like my very life hung on her answer.
Tanya shook her head, her long blonde curls flying out. "That is just a rumor. It was one of the things we talked about when we met for coffee. I wanted to make sure he wasn't seeing anyone." She looked at the camera full-on, like she was challenging the camera to disagree with her. I felt like she was staring right at me. But it wasn't a rumor. I squeezed my eyes shut briefly, trying to remove the image of Tanya from my mind. It didn't work. I knew this was all too good to be true.
I started seeing spots before my eyes as I realized I had stopped breathing. I took in several deep breaths that only seemed to bring in despair. I felt like this beautiful woman was ripping my heart out. Tanya ripped it out and Edward stomped on it within an inch of his life. I had heard enough of Tanya. Quickly, I closed the window that displayed the interview and tried to calm my breathing.
Being a glutton for punishment, I googled 'Edward Cullen Tanya Denali coffee' to see what I could find. The first hit was from another celebrity gossip site. The page loaded quickly. It had a short article and half a dozen pictures of Edward and Tanya together. I didn't bother to read the article and went right for the pictures. The first few were fairly innocent. It looked like two friends out for coffee. They were sitting across from each other at a small table in front of a large window talking comfortably. When I clicked on the fourth picture, I felt my ripped-out-stomped-on heart get shredded into a billion pieces. Edward had one hand resting on the tabletop and Tanya had her hand resting on top of his. The expression on her face was coy as she looked up at him through her eyelashes. A remote part of my brain idly commented that the photographer had a good lens to get such a great shot.
I adjusted my google search to just include Edward and Tanya's names. There were tons of pictures of him, from his concerts, movie premieres, awards shows, and other appearances. Quite a few of them included Tanya on his arm, both of them smiling ear to ear. Most of those pictures were labeled with the date so I saw that they were from when they were a couple. That made the images of them together a little better, but not much. As I looked, a tagline for a new series of pictures caught my eye. It stated that these were brand new pictures of Edward and Tanya, confirming their rekindled relationship. By this time, there was no way I could look away, so I clicked on the link and was bombarded by pictures of Edward and Tanya in a passionate embrace, their lips locked to one another like there was no tomorrow.
I sat there frozen, staring at the pictures as they burned into my retinas. My hands shook as I turned my monitor off. I didn't want to see the rest of the pictures nor did I need to see anymore. I tried to stand but fell back into my chair as my knees gave out. Edward was there, shoving me forcefully into the pit of despair as Tanya laughed.
I blinked.
I was numb. The fall into the bottomless pit left me cold and emotionless. I stood up woodenly and stiffly walked into the kitchen. After I unlocked the liquor cabinet, I pulled out a bottle of single malt whiskey. I didn't bother getting a glass and took a swig right from the bottle. Stumbling slowly back into the living room with the bottle in my hand, I flopped onto the couch and took another drink. I was so numb I didn't feel the burn from the whiskey down my throat.
Sometime later my phone rang.
I looked down at the caller ID, already knowing who it was going to be.
"Hello, Edward." I tried to force my voice to be normal.
"Good Morning, love." The endearment made me seethe.
"What do you have going on today?" I asked.
"The usual. We are finishing up some shots for the week so we can have the weekend off. Everyone is pretty excited to have two whole days away from the set. Plus we will be getting our next shooting schedule. Everyone always looks forward to seeing what we are doing next."
"That's good," I replied. "How have your scenes with Tanya been?" I wanted to give him the opportunity to tell me the truth.
"Fine. Why do you ask?" He sounded puzzled.
"Just curious." I wasn't sure what to say next. I wanted to call him out on the whole Tanya thing but I'd never been one for confrontation. Our conversation lagged into an uneasy silence. I stood up and started pacing.
"Bella, are you okay?" he asked me finally. I thought I heard some tenderness in his voice, but I dismissed it quickly.
"Just peachy." It was getting harder for me to keep my mouth shut. I felt the anger and fury of his betrayal bubbling up inside of me.
"Peachy? Love, please, tell me what is bothering you," he pleaded. The concern in his voice was just too much for me now.
"You KNOW what is bothering me, Edward," I snapped at him. "Or should I say, 'Eddie'?" I sneered.
"What? Bella, what are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you and Tanya, Edward." My voice was starting to rise.
"Me and Tanya? Bell-"
I cut him off. The door was open and it was all coming out now. "About how you never bothered to tell me that she was an ex-girlfriend. About the fact that you two met for coffee and were holding hands a few weeks ago. About the fucking interview she just gave stating that you two were back together and she was the reason why you don't drink and that our relationship, yours and mine, Edward, was just a fucking rumor!" I took a quick breath before I continued. "That all you needed was to release some 'tension' and that she was more than capable of helping you do that!" I was shouting into the phone. Actually vocalizing the last sentence hurt me to the quick. He turned me down on my birthday stating that he wanted it to be special, yet he shacked up with his ex-girlfriend, well I guess his current girlfriend, as soon as he was back in LA. I should've known this wouldn't work.
There was a long pause. When Edward finally spoke, his voice was low and confused. "What are you talking about Bella? What interview? We did meet for coffee but it wasn't like that-"
"I'm not stupid Edward, so quit lying to me! Did you really think I wouldn't find out? Come on, you are followed by the paparazzi all the time. Did you really think you could go on a date with your girlfriend without being photographed? It wasn't just the coffee either! There are recent pictures of you two making out passionately! I may be some small town girl, but I am not an idiot!"
"We weren't on a-- I never said you were-" His voice was starting to rise now as he stuttered.
"Whatever, Edward. I can't believe you lied to me." My voice broke, losing its muster. "I can't believe you stayed here with me and told me you loved me to just shack up with her as soon as you got back." I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
"Bella, I DO love-" His voice sounded thoroughly confused, hurt, and angry. He sounded so sincere in his denial of his relationship with Tanya. A part of me started to doubt myself, that maybe he didn't really cheat on me with Tanya, but the pictures was there, burned into my mind and Tanya's voice confirming her relationship with Edward.
"Just stop the fucking lies, Edward! You can stop pretending now."
"Bella-" He cut himself off when it sounded like someone entered the room he was in. "Hold on a sec, Bella." When he spoke again it sounded muffled like he was covering the mouthpiece. "Um, excuse me, what do you want?" I heard a woman's voice. Edward's response was muffled, he sounded irritated but I couldn't be sure.
I heard the woman laugh and I instantly recognized that laugh. It was the same laughter of a certain strawberry blonde woman who was ruining my life. No, Edward was ruining my life. It takes two to tango and he stepped on the dance floor.
Edward said something to who I thought was Tanya. I really wished I could hear what they were saying to each other.
The woman's voice approached. Then I heard a rustle of fabric, like the phone being moved across his shirt. I finally heard her voice clearly, "Oh Eddie, its okay. We have a few minutes before they need us on set again." Her voice sounded like she was right next to Edward.
Rustling came through the phone again as it was pressed up against something. Edward grunted and it sounded like he pushed something. It was hard to tell. Then I heard what sounded like lips touching and Edward's muffled voice, except it wasn't from the phone being against his shirt. I don't know why I kept listening. Maybe I needed this reaffirmation that he really was cheating on me.
I heard Edward grunt a second time and push something out of the way again. His voice was low again and cold. All I could make out was him calling her name. He continued but I was beyond being able to hear any of this. My mind locked onto the sound of the two of them kissing. I barely heard him pick up the phone again and talk to me.
"Bella? Bella are you there?" he said urgently.
I was bawling and the tears would not stop coming. I felt like a blubbering idiot, but I was a blubbering idiot for believing he loved me.
"Bella?" he asked again.
"Oh, why do you even bother, Edward?" I wailed. "Why?"
I hung up on him before he could answer.
I took several deep breaths while tears continued to fall. I looked down at my phone like it was an alien creature. Shaking, I threw it as hard as I could against the far wall of the living room. It shattered into several pieces and left a small dent in the wall. I collapsed into the couch and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. My vision blurred as my despair surrounded me. I took another swig from the bottle.
The world faded from my view.
A/N Oh no!! Tell me your thoughts (and please be kind!)....
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