Breaking from the Ordinary

by Burntcore

Bella owns a small bar in town & is fairly happy with her life so far. But it all changes when he walks into her bar, looking lost & confused. AU/AH BxE JxA RxE

12. Chapter 12: Despair

A/N Special thanks to my PTB betas HEAR and Sirenastarot. And as always, I don't own Twilight.

Chapter Twelve: Despair

BPOV

"Bella?"

A voice encroached on my alcohol induced blackout. It sounded like Angela. Why was Angela in my nightmare?

"Bella, wake up!"

No!

"Bella!" The voice was more insistent and I felt a hand on my shoulder shaking me.

"What?" I croaked out with a groan, keeping my eyes firmly closed.

"Are you okay?"

I grimaced as I continued to wake up. The more conscious I became, the more I felt the jackhammers pounding away inside my skull and smelled a foul odor in the room.

"No. Go away," I muttered.

I felt a hand softly brush a stray lock of hair away from my face.

"Bella," the voice continued quietly, "what's wrong, honey?"

I finally opened my eyes and wished I hadn't. The light from the sun poured through the windows and seared into my pounding head. Angela leaned over me with a concerned look on her face.

"Everything," I croaked as I squinted from the light in the room.

She knelt down and slowly pried something out of my hand.

"Bella, did you drink this whole bottle?"

I looked over at the empty bottle of whiskey in Angela's hand. I shook my head slowly, trying not to disturb the army of jackhammers in my brain. "It was only two-thirds full when I started."

"When was that?" she persisted.

I tried to read the numbers on the clock hanging on the far wall. My vision was too fuzzy to focus enough to read the clock face. I gave up trying. "Earlier."

Angela let out a breath, slightly exasperated. "Earlier?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn't know exactly when I passed out and I didn't really care.

"Why are you here, Angela?" The fact that she was in my house started to filter through my addled brain.

She looked at me strangely, like she was surprised I would ask her something like that. "When you didn't show at the bar earlier, we tried calling you, but your phone kept going to voicemail. It wasn't like you to not show up without calling or not answer your phone so I decided I would swing by and make sure you were okay. I was further concerned when your front door wasn't locked, so I hurried in thinking you were hurt and find you like this." She gestured to the slovenly mess I was sure I looked like. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it should.

I looked away. I was firmly within the misery of my heartbreak.

Angela sat down next to me. "Bella, what happened?"

My throat constricted. I couldn't say his name yet. My stomach tightened up in a cold knot as I tried not to think about the last conversation I had with him this morning. What was I thinking? Our worlds could not co-exist.

I felt Angela hesitate, like she was trying to find the right words, before she spoke again in a whisper. "Was… was it Edward?"

My face paled as I nodded once.

"Oh, honey." She wrapped her arms around me consolingly.

I sat frozen on the couch. I felt dead. I didn't even know I was speaking until I heard my voice, rough and gravely, say the words I wished I could deny. "He went back to an old girlfriend."

"You talked to him… earlier?" She gently emphasized the last word, meaning that it was the same earlier when I started drinking.

I nodded again.

Angela sighed and then looked around the couch before turning to me again. "Bella, where's your phone? We should turn it on in case Jacob or your Dad calls you or something."

I gestured towards the far wall where the broken remnants of my cell phone rested; where I had thrown it, earlier.

Angela shook her head sadly. "And here I thought he was different."

"Me too," I sighed as tears started to form again. When will I stop crying over that cheating son of a bitch?

Angela rubbed my back, but then pulled away quickly. "Bella, I'm sorry to say this, but you reek."

I chuckled weakly, "Sorry."

"We may need to rename you Jameson," she teased, gesturing with the empty bottle of whiskey.

I smiled despite my despair. "Let me get cleaned up and I'll meet you up at the bar." I wobbled as I rose unsteadily to my feet.

Angela steadied my arm. "Bella, it's okay. Stay home and relax. You've had a rough morning. We'll be fine."

I shook my head, groaning when it increased the pounding between my temples. "I'd rather not stay here all day alone with all these memories. I'm better off working."

She looked at me carefully before nodding. "Okay, but I'll take you. I don't want you driving. Go get ready and I'll make some coffee."

I slowly made my way to my bedroom and into my bathroom. I tried not to see all the reminders of him. I heard Angela talking on her cell phone before I turned on the shower.

"We'll be there in a little bit," she said softly.

There was a pause as she listened to who was on the other end.

"She'll be okay... eventually. It wasn't a pretty sight when I got here."

Another pause.

"Yes."

The spray of the shower drowned out the rest of the conversation. The warm water helped wash away some of my stress and tension, but none of the despair. My throbbing head eased as the shower massage my body but nothing could wash away my shattered heart or my broken soul.

I finally decided that I had been in the shower long enough when my skin started to wrinkle and the water turned cold. As I dressed, I caught a whiff of the clothes I was wearing earlier. They truly did reek of whiskey. I'm sure my body smelled even worse before I took a shower. I hoped I looked somewhat more human when I joined Angela in the living room. She looked relieved when she saw me and extended a mug of coffee towards me.

I took a grateful sip of the coffee. I would need the shot of caffeine to survive the day. "Ready?" I asked, with all the enthusiasm I could muster in my voice. Angela didn't look convinced.

"As long as you are," she replied, finishing her coffee.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Angela inquired quietly as we drove to the Midnight Sun.

"No, not yet."

She nodded, understanding. This was just another reason why she was such a great friend. Angela never pushed or pried. She was there when you needed her. I would tell her later what happened, once I had a better handle of it myself. Maybe after I had another bottle of whiskey in me.

My arrival at the bar was not what I was expecting. I figured people would be buzzing about me coming in late. Never once had I not shown up or come in late without making arrangements. As I walked in, everyone was going about his or her tasks like nothing was out of the ordinary. I was greatly relieved. Angela's phone conversation while I was in the shower must have done some good damage control. Of course, that just made me wonder what was said.

I retreated into my office to gather the rest of my wits. I was still a little unsteady from all the whiskey and the emotions from this morning. I sat down in my chair with a thud and looked around without really seeing anything in particular. My vision instead played back the night that he saved me from the attack by Mike Sullivan. My breath caught as I saw him punch Mike and Mike crumple against me. I blinked and I was in his arms again, holding me off the floor.

"Bella?" I heard his voice, like he was walking into my office, but the timber of the voice was off... it was deeper.

"Bella!" The voice again. Wait, that wasn't Edward's voice. It was Jacob's.

I didn't turn from my chair when I finally spoke. "Hello, Jacob," I replied softly. "I guess Angela filled you in."

"Only that it was about Anthony," he said quietly, his deep voice rumbling.

I almost laughed. Anthony! Ha! I kept his secret and he betrayed me.

"We broke up," I said simply.

Jacob frowned. "Oh jeez, Bells, I'm so sorry. I know how crazy you were about the guy."

"Yeah."

"Do you need anything?" he asked, kneeling beside me.

"No, there isn't anything you can do for me Jacob." I smiled sadly. Besides erasing the last three months of my life.

He squeezed my hands in sympathy. "I know," he whispered.

I blushed, realizing he was referencing the pain he felt after our break-up so many years ago, and how he understood there really wasn't anything anyone could do to help mend a broken heart.

He stood up swiftly and gracefully, which was quite a feat due to his great size. "I gotta go back out there."

I nodded. I wanted to be alone for a few minutes anyway. After Jacob went back to the floor, I grabbed a bottle of whatever I had in my office and poured a tumbler full. I drank it down in just a few gulps. The burn of the alcohol was a welcome distraction from the pain inside. In a few minutes, the alcohol started to work its mind-numbing magic and I felt ready to try to face the world.

I took my usual spot at the bar and kept a glass of something strong nearby at all times. As soon as I felt my buzz beginning to dissipate, I drank more. I tried to ignore the concerned glances by Jacob and Angela. Everyone else gave me space, thankfully. Even Jessica, who was always dying of curiosity about anything remotely gossip-worthy, kept her distance. I eventually found out later that Jacob advised everyone that I wasn't feeling well and to give me some peace. He had to emphasize it more to some, namely Jessica, than others. It was not a complete lie. I was not feeling well at all, but at least it was not the kind of thing that was contagious.

The night was busy enough to keep me occupied but not so crazy that I couldn't manage with the buzz I had been nursing all night. I was one of those people who was a happy, flirty drunk. So having a good buzz made it easier for me to pretend that everything was great. Eventually, it was time to shut down the bar and clean up. Then it was harder to hide the pain. I dragged out each and every step, trying to prolong the inevitable. I was afraid of what I would do when I got home. I couldn't know for certain what else might break besides my cell phone before I passed out.

I was wiping the bar down for at least the tenth time when I saw Jacob and Angela off to one corner, talking quietly. In the past three months, their relationship slowly began to blossom. I was very happy for them. They were both good people and they deserved every happiness they got. The looks on their faces, however, were not happy ones. The occasional covert glance in my direction made me realize that they were not talking sunshine and buttercups but were talking about me. I supposed I should've minded but I didn't have the energy to care. After all, they were my friends. They would never be catty. They were just concerned about me. Does it even matter anymore?

Angela broke away from Jacob and approached me slowly. "Bella, if you wipe the bar down any more you are going to rub off the finish." She took the rag from my hand and waited for me to look at her before she continued. "Why don't you come and stay with me tonight? I have an extra room and I'd like the company."

I wanted to say no, that I wanted to go home and be miserable in my bed surrounded by my memories of him, but I really did not think it would be good for my mental heath to stay there tonight, alone. It was a small blessing that my room did not smell like him anymore. Two months was long enough to air things out and I certainly didn't want anyone else in the house with me. My pain was mine, but I could shrug it off and play nice for one night. Angela would feel better thinking that she was helping me.

If I spoke I would deny her, so I only nodded. A few minutes later, the three of us shut everything off and walked out into the parking lot. Jacob waited by me as I locked the door. When I turned to face him, he crushed me in a huge bear hug. I had to pound on his chest after a minute so I wouldn't suffocate.

"Are you trying to kill me?" I wheezed.

Jacob laughed. "No, sorry, Bells. I was just giving you a hug."

"Word of advice: Hug less!" I panted, still trying to get my breath back.

He laughed again and walked over to Angela to give her a goodbye peck on the cheek as we got ready to go.

The trip to Angela's place in Amherst was quick and quiet. She lived in a small apartment complex near the center of the small town. The first time I tried visiting her, I got confused at one intersection that had six streets meeting in the middle like the spokes on a wheel. Thankfully, she was a little more familiar with her neighborhood than I was and we made it safely to her apartment.

Angela brought me some clothes to sleep in and some towels for a shower whenever I wanted to take one. I thanked her and looked around, taking in the quiet warmth of her apartment. It was definitely Angela's place. It was feminine and light without being too girly. I trudged into the guest room and changed, saving the towels for a shower in the morning. I thought I should go to sleep but that pit of despair was just waiting for me in my dreams. I wasn't ready to meet it yet. Angela knocked on my door before peeking her head in the room.

"Hey you, how you holdin' up?" She sat down next to me on the bed.

"Been better, Ang. Been better," I said honestly.

She put an arm around me and sat there with me for a few minutes. She didn't pry. She didn't have to. I just needed time to collect my thoughts. After a few minutes, I took a deep breath to help prepare myself. "You got some time before you have to crash?" I asked timidly.

"I have all the time you need, Bella."

We sat across from each other on the bed, Indian style, like we were kids at a sleepover. I told her the whole sordid story from when he left in September until this morning. I threw in all my insecurities and worries and how they were now justified. Several times during my explanation her hand flew to her mouth, and tears sprang up in her eyes when I told her about the interview.

"Oh, Bella, what a horrible way to find out."

"Yeah, and the jerk tried to deny it all this morning, like I wouldn't find out."

"Do you think there is a possibility she was lying and he was telling the truth?"

I laughed humorlessly. "Oh I'm sure there is a possibility, but the pictures from their date only confirmed what she said. I'm done with men for awhile."

She rubbed my arm and tried to smile. "It'll get better Bella but not from the bottom of a bottle," she cautioned.

"Yes, Mom." I couldn't help but laugh. She was right, the answer wasn't at the bottom of a bottle, but it sure made right now feel better. We talked for a little bit longer about other things until we were both yawning. Angela excused herself and I tried to relax enough to go to sleep. The feelings of heartbreak and despair slowly crept back and started to pull me down into their black pit.

I dreamt of Edward and Tanya again. I dreamt of them having sex right in the interviewer chair that she sat in when she ripped apart my world. I dreamt of Tanya and Edward lying on a blanket on my bit of beach cuddling like long-time lovers. I dreamt of Edward denying me, saying he didn't love me anymore while Tanya laughed at me mercilessly. I dreamt of blackness, nothing left inside of me but emptiness. I screamed.

-----

I woke up the next morning disoriented. I didn't recognize the room or the sounds outside. I smelled coffee, which was encouraging. As the smell of the brewing coffee wafted through my room, my mind continued to perk up and I remembered where I was. Angela's. Everything started coming back: Edward, Tanya, all the alcohol I had drunk in the past twenty-four hours. My mind started to spin again, the abyss of despair hovering, waiting for another chance for me to fall in. Suddenly nauseous, I ran out of my room to the nearest bathroom. I was violently ill for several minutes until all that was coming up were dry heaves. I rested by the side of the toilet as I flushed away the mess, my clammy forehead resting on the floor as I hoped for oblivion.

I didn't know how long I'd been lying there but I stirred when I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Angela's soft voice. "How are you doing, Bella?"

I turned awkwardly on the tile floor and looked up at Angela's crouched figure.

"I've been better, "I murmured, grimacing at the foul taste in my mouth.

Angela handed me a damp washcloth and a glass of water.

"Thank you," I whispered.

I wiped my face off with the washcloth and drained the glass of water. It helped lessen the funky taste in my mouth. Angela pulled a few things out of a cabinet and handed them to me. It was a small collection of travel-sized toiletries.

"I'm sure you want to get freshened up a little."

"Yeah, I think I need to do that. I need to wash away some of this stress and madness." I gratefully accepted the handful of products.

Angela let me be for awhile. I gratefully brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth out several times to get the last of the puke taste out. Satisfied that my tongue wouldn't dissolve from stomach acid, I stripped off my clothes and threw them in a pile in the corner. After I was naked, I remembered my towel was still in the guestroom. Angela must've been on the exact same wavelength as me because she knocked on the bathroom door, opened it a crack, and held out my towel. Angela is a Godsend.

"Thanks, Ang. I just realized I didn't have my towel."

"No problem," I heard her voice say softly as she walked back down the hallway into the rest of the apartment.

I eagerly got into the shower and relished the spa shower head that Angela had. I need to get one of those. The hot spray massaged my back and slowly unknotted the tight muscles. I hadn't checked the time when I got in, but realized I had to have been there a good length of time when the skin of my fingers became wrinkled. Angela's apartment complex must've had a huge water heater. I finished up and dried off. Angela had a robe waiting for me on a hook on the back of the bathroom door. It was a deep, sapphire blue and was made from the softest terrycloth. I hummed in pleasure as I enjoyed the softness. My robe at home was similar to this but not as soft.

As happy as I could be, considering what my last twenty-four hours had been like, I padded out to Angela's kitchen. She was sitting on the opposite side of the table with a cup of coffee in one hand and a newspaper in the other. Another cup of coffee was sitting on my side of the table. I gingerly sat down and wrapped my hands round the warm mug. The heat from the mug eked into my hands and traveled down my arms, giving me goose bumps, but I was still numb inside. No amount of hot coffee could do anything about that. I took a cautious sip to gauge how hot the liquid was. The sip I took burned the tip of my tongue slightly. I realized with a start that the physical pain took away some of the numbness. An idea festered in my head. I could deal with the physical pain but dealing with the emotional pain was much harder. I became determined to put some of the emotional crisis behind me. I took several more gulps of the hot coffee quickly before I lost my nerve. I gasped at the hot liquid burned my mouth and my throat as it went down. I relished in the pain and focused on it, pushing away the painful numbness of my heart.

Angela looked up from her newspaper startled. "Bella, your coffee is still too hot to drink!"

"I know," I rasped, my throat raw.

Angela looked like she wanted to say something further, but thought better of it. She and I sat in silence as we finished our coffees. She was deep into her newspaper and I was deep into my thoughts and memories.

After a little while, she rose from her chair and reached for my empty coffee cup. "Are you hungry, Bella?" She handed it back to me, refilled.

I shook my head, "No," I whispered. "I couldn't eat anything right now, but thank you. Do you think you could run me by my place soon?"

She gazed at me, searching my face. "Sure. Do you want some company while you're there?"

I shook my head again. "No, I really need to do this myself." The pit felt like it was getting closer again. But I knew I needed to face this sooner than later. I had to face the house that had so much of his presence still in it, even two months later.

"I understand. Just let me know when you want to go."

I finished my second cup of coffee and felt a little better with the caffeine in my system. My throat was very sore and now I regretted purposely drinking the scalding coffee. I put my cup in the sink and walked back to the guestroom to change. I ended up having to wear the same clothes from the night before, but I would be able to change as soon as I got home. My clothes still held the slight smell of alcohol. What a surprise that I would smell like alcohol considering that my body felt like a distillery.

Angela quietly took me back to my house. She didn't fill the silence with chatter. Somehow she knew I preferred to be left to my own thoughts. If I wanted to talk, I would. Even under normal circumstances, I wasn't much of a talker. I said enough the night before.

For the first time since I bought my house, I felt a sense of dread upon looking at it. The dread eked into the numbness I held around me as a shield. There were so many memories of Edward just from one month. I could finally say his name, even in my mind. I resolved to not let the memories cripple me. A part of me rationalized that perhaps when he was here that he truly did love me, but when he got back to LA, Hollywood got under his skin again and the Edward I knew ceased to exist. That made me feel a little better. Otherwise, the idea that he never loved me at all and only toyed with my emotions was a little too much for me to take. I could enjoy the memories I had of him and just keep telling myself that it was for the best. The month we had together would just be that. A month I would never forget with Edward -- well Anthony -- that I will treasure always. Even when I was eventually held in the arms of another man, I would treasure that month. Just thinking about me being in the arms of another man made me gag. I sighed as my heart beat my brain with a stick. Even my heart couldn't imagine me in anyone else's arms but Edward's – er Anthony's – uh whatever his name was.

Well shit, there goes my plan to save my sanity.

I kept trying to tell myself that it was just a month of fun. No more. My brain liked this idea better then drinking scalding hot coffee to dull the emotional pain. My brain was trying to use that same stick to convince my heart, but my heart wouldn't believe it, no matter how bruised and battered it got. My heart was determined that it was more than just a month, more than just a summer fling. He loved me.

I tried to keep it together as I started cleaning my house. I threw out my shattered cell phone after I dug out my SIM and memory cards out and tossed out the empty bottle of whiskey. As soon as I walked into my bedroom, I could smell my clothes from the prior morning. Wrinkling my nose in disgust, I wadded them up and stuffed them into my overflowing hamper. Seeing that I had been neglecting my laundry and my hamper was about to explode, I dragged my hamper to the laundry room and started a load of wash.

The desire to keep cleaning stayed with me as I listened to the water fill the washer. I started cleaning everything in the house. All surfaces were scoured, wood was polished, carpets vacuumed, floors swept. I took an old toothbrush to the grout between the tiles in my kitchen and bathroom. Any cobwebs that dared to clutter the corners of the rooms were hunted down. I straightened already straight pictures hanging on the wall, organized the few magazines on the coffee table, and rearranged candles. Anything my newly critical eye deemed was out of place was adjusted. Feeling that the house was finally no longer in shambles, I walked into the kitchen and opened my fridge. I found a new task. Everything got pulled out of the fridge so I could scrub every shelf and drawer. I even wiped up any dribbles down the sides of bottles. I threw out anything that was even close to expiring. The same was done to the freezer and my pantry. After I was done, my kitchen needed to be restocked. In reality, there really wasn't that much that needed to be thrown out but my mind was in a different place that day. Eventually, I would probably regret wasting all the food I threw out.

I stood up with a feeling of accomplishment. It quickly faded when I looked out the window and spied my next task. Hardy fall weeds dared to spring up in my almost dormant flower beds. I grabbed my weeding tools from the mud room and attacked the offending plants. There weren't many weeds left in the middle of November in Ohio, but since the ground hadn't frozen solid yet, there were still a few stragglers. Patches of grass looked a little long to my critical eye. I wondered to myself if I would have to mow the lawn again before winter officially hit.

I stood up and stretched after all the weeds were gone. Walking back into the new immaculate house, I paused as memories flooded through my mind. Before I could dwell on them long enough for the pit to overcome me, I rushed into my bathroom to shower again.

My second shower of the day made me feel even more refreshed than my first one. I walked into my bedroom naked and took several deep breathes with my eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, I focused on Anthony, my plush mountain lion with green eyes, lying on my bed. Then my eyes shifted to my open closet door where some of Edward's clothes hung. I bit my lip and willed my tears away. After I was in control of myself again, I walked to the closet and lightly ran my hand over his shirts. I pulled one out and held it to my nose. I imagined that it still smelled of him, although it actually only smelled of my laundry detergent. After making the pit creep that much closer, I put the shirt back in the closet.

I need to pack all these up. If he wants them, he can come get them.

Taking another deep breath, I grabbed an empty box from another room and started putting his clothes and things inside. My hands shook as I unhooked the blue shirt he wore on my birthday. I stared at the shirt, watching the fabric ripple in my trembling hands. My mind went back to the beach that night. I could hear his guitar and the crash of the evening waves. I shook my head to clear the painful memories and turned to put the shirt in the box. I froze as the shirt remained in my hand. The thin fabric wrinkled as my fist clutched it.

I can't do it.

Numbly, I reached for a hanger and hung the shirt back up. I continued putting the rest of his clothes back in the closet. I sat down on the bed weakly after I finished. I couldn't believe how much effort it took to just deal with his clothes. My eyes glanced at the clock and I realized I needed to leave. I still needed to buy another cell phone before I went into work. I dressed quickly and gathered my things before rushing out the door to my truck.

New cell phone in hand, I walked into the Midnight Sun. Angela and Jacob had arrived already and were in the middle of setting up the chairs and tables. I dropped my stuff in my office and walked back to the storeroom to get ice for the front bar coolers. As I was filling up the ice bucket, Jacob walked over looking uncertain.

"Hey, Bells."

"Hi, Jake. What's up?" I dumped another scoop of ice into the bucket.

"How you doin'?" He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at his feet.

I sighed quietly. "I'm alright. I've been better but I've been worse too," I answered honestly. Despite everything that happened yesterday, I really thought I was feeling a little better. I kept trying to tell myself that he loved me while he was here, but after he left, the man who loved me ceased to exist. If he no longer existed, he couldn't have cheated on me. I thought about explaining that to Jacob but I doubted he would understand my train of thought. I barely understood it myself. The man I had for a month during the best summer of my life was for all intents and purposes, Anthony. The man who was in Hollywood rekindling things with his ex-girlfriend was Edward.

Jacob nodded and looked like he wanted to say something else but didn't. His eyes flickered to the cases of Jameson that were sitting nearby.

I smiled slightly. I could see where his thoughts were going. "Don't worry, Jake. I'm not going to bury myself in a bottle tonight." He looked relieved. "I may have a drink or two but it will not be like last night. I will still be in control of myself."

He nodded again, satisfied. "Good. If you need anything, let me know."

"I will. Thank you, Jake. You are a good friend."

He smiled and walked back to the floor to finish getting the bar ready to open.

I wheeled out the bucket of ice on a large dolly and heaved its contents into the cooler. A couple of trips later, the cooler was full of ice and beer. The rest of the staff had slowly trickled in, most trying not to glance my way too much in an effort to be polite. Jessica, however, could not hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Hi, Bella." Jessica smiled at me broadly as she unsuccessfully tryied to hide her curiosity

"Hello, Jessica. How are you today?" I wiped down the bar without looking up at her. I could see her reflection in the finish on the bar top anyway.

"I'm fine. You're looking better today," she said pleasantly.

"Thank you. It's been a rough couple of days." I didn't want to tell her all the particulars, especially when I knew that she knew who Anthony really was. Although I was still trying to cling to the idea that Anthony was not the same person as the Hollywood movie star known as Edward Cullen, my grip on that lie was slipping.

"It seemed that way yesterday. May I ask what happened?"

I was amazed that her tone seemed to reflect genuine concern. Maybe Jessica was learning some tact and social grace after all. Doubtful. She was probably just being extra nice hoping I would spill the beans.

"I'm not ready to really talk about it yet, Jess, but I appreciate your concern. It was bad but it's getting better. It will just take time."

Jessica looked at me closely. What was up with everyone looking at me so much today? She opened her mouth but closed it before speaking. I could practically hear the wheels turning in her mind. "That's good, Bella," she finally managed to say. "If you ever want to talk, I'm here for you."

I wanted to believe the sincerity of her words, but it just was not Jessica's nature to be that empathetic without a motive. However, she was being unusually polite. I shook my head and resigned myself that she was curious and wanted to know the latest gossip. Jessica turned from the bar and walked towards the jukebox. She picked a safe rock song. I was glad. I was afraid she was going to pick an Edward Cullen song.

I glanced at the clock and strolled over to the front door to unlock it and flip on the 'Open' neon sign. Within a few minutes, the first patrons strolled in for a Saturday afternoon drink.

The afternoon passed smoothly. I tried to keep my thoughts from straying to Edward or Anthony too often. My focus was on work as much as possible. When my focus slipped, I took a drink. Just one. It helped steady me and realign my focus until my next slip. It worked so well that my patrons had never had service as good as they had today.

I felt my new cell phone shift in my pocket as I filled a mug with some draft beer. After I handed the mug to the patron, I pulled out my phone and played with it for a minute. Thankfully I had saved my SIM and memory cards so I still had all my contacts, pictures, and mp3 files. Nothing else had been set up. I didn't even know my new number by heart yet. When I was at the cell phone store, I decided to get a new number. Part of the reason was to keep Edward from calling me right away. The other reason was to see what lengths he would go to try to reach me, if he even wanted to do so. A lot of my train of thought was based on the assumption that he would try to call to at least try to cover his ass. If he really wanted to talk to me, he'd have to work to find my new number or come find me in person. Either way, it would take a little bit of time, time I desperately needed to get myself right in the head again.

Feeling wickedly evil in the good sense, I decided to have a little fun with good old Jacob. He didn't know I asked for a new cell phone number. I flipped open my phone and sent him a quick text message.

-Hey Sexy. You look gooooooood-

I watched Jake out of the corner of my eye and saw him jump as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He quickly fished it out and looked puzzled at the number displayed. As he read the message, his eyebrows shot up. Jacob looked around quickly, his eyes suspicious. He furiously typed a response.

-Who is this?-

I snickered. This was fun. I should blind text people more often. Maybe Edward... I shook my head. That would be a very, very, very bad idea. I continued to text Jacob.

-A secret admirer-

He shook his head and typed again.

-Jess?-

I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud.

-Nope-

Now he was starting to get irritated.

-I have a gf. How did u get this #?-

Girlfriend, eh? I hadn't realized he and Angela had moved up into exclusivity. Good for them. My next text just got that much more evil.

-I'm sure Angela would be willing to share.-

Jacob's face was priceless. His eyes got as big as saucers and his jaw hung open in surprise. As he collected himself, his brows furrowed and his eyes became confused and angry. He punched his response into his phone stiffly.

-Look, I don't know who the hell you are, but I am NOT interested.-

I couldn't fight the laughter now. Jacob heard me and looked in my direction. His confusion mounted until I waved at him with my phone in my hand. His jaw dropped again. My phone vibrated as I got another text.

-Bella?-

-Yep. New phone & new #.-

He shook his head while he finally laughed and reprogrammed my new number into his phone.

-Cute-

I batted my eyelashes at him as I closed my phone.

The rest of the night went by without issue. There were no drunken brawls or grabby customers, just a rather tame Saturday night. It was kind of disappointing. A more exciting night would give me something else to think about. As we cleaned up for the night, I dreaded going back to my home with all my memories but I knew I had to face it. Nighttime was typically when we got to spend the most time together. I couldn't avoid this forever, and since I got through the afternoon, I hoped I could get through my first evening alone. By the time the night ended, I only had a slight buzz. I hadn't drunk nearly as much as I thought I would. That didn't' mean I hadn't through about Edward because he was constantly on my mind, though it wasn't always unbearable. Maybe my tolerance for pain had increased radically in the past twenty-four hours. I was surprised at how numb I could feel but still feel like my heart had been ripped out.

As unsafe as it was, I was able to convince my friends I was okay to drive even with my buzz. I did not want to be coddled anymore. I could hear my father lighting me up for even thinking about driving. However, I felt that I could handle the short drive home. It wasn't something I did a lot, but I just had to do this myself. If I was going to get through this, I couldn't have anyone else to lean on anymore. I had to learn how to deal with my despair myself so I could eventually climb out of the chasm.

Once I pulled into my lonely and dark gravel driveway, I got ready for bed quickly. If I stayed up too long, I'd start remembering our nights together or I'd end up trying to call him. That idea stuck with me more than I cared for it to do. I longed to hear his voice and to hear him call me 'love' as he always did. But that man was not mine to think of this way anymore. He no longer existed. I sighed and stuck with my original plan. If he really wanted to talk to me then he could figure out how to get my new cell phone number or he could fly his Hollywood ass back to Ohio. If he really wanted to talk. If he really didn't do anything wrong, if he really cared, he would try. I doubted he did. Anthony cared. Edward did not. But Anthony didn't exist anymore. Only Edward did, and he was dragging me into that miasma of despair again. My convoluted thoughts about Edward and Anthony and what I really wanted swirled through my head.

I fell asleep clutching Anthony the mountain lion to my chest.

A/N Please review! Next chapter is Edward's side... so what do you think of this Edward? What do you think of Bella's reactions?

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Rec: Weight In: Losing to Gain by my beta, HEAR

Summary: Overweight and under-appreciated, Bella has stalled at life. When the chance arises to compete on America's favorite weight loss game show, will she take the opportunity to change her life and find love in the process?