A/N Special thanks to my PTB betas HEAR and Sirenastarot. And as always, I don't own Twilight. Special shoutout to my friend Amydee who has been a huge support for me.
Chapter Fifteen: Wonderland
BPOV
"Bella," he said softly, his voice wrapping around me like a glove. "I love you. I'm so sorry."
I squeezed my eyes shut hard. I had to be dreaming. Edward really wasn't here. He couldn't be here. I slowly opened my eyes and he still stood before me. He looked at me nervously. I finally noticed that he had something in his hands. Edward was holding a bouquet of flowers, all Gerber daises in a variety of colors. He extended the flowers to me, his hands shaking slightly. I could hear the program finishing in the background. It no longer held my interest.
I took the proffered flowers and smiled internally. It was hard not to be happy with a handful of Gerber daises. I looked back at Edward, my mind going a mile a minute, still amazed that he was standing in front of me. "How? What is going on? How are you here?" Of all the things I could say, this is what my mind came up with. I felt like an idiot.
Edward's lips curved on one side into his trademarked crooked smile. "Airplane," was his droll response.
I rolled my eyes. Duh. But with the question I asked, what other kind of response could I expect? I tried to gather my scattered thoughts a little better before I spoke again. "What I meant was, why are you here? Or more specifically, don't you have a movie to do?"
He pinched the bridge of his nose as he gathered his thoughts. "I am here because you deserve an explanation, and I need to make this right. I love you too much not fight for us. As for the movie, the director was satisfied with the progress we have made and gave us the week off for the holiday."
I took a deep breath. This was all too incredible to be happening to me. I was ordinary. An ordinary woman did not have an insanely gorgeous man pledging his love on national television. An ordinary woman did not have said insanely gorgeous man fly all the way from his movie in Hollywood just to say his was sorry with a handful of flowers. My heart swelled with the knowledge of how much he truly did love me, but my head tempered my heart. We still had issues to resolve. No love in the world can grow if the hearts aren't honest with one another.
"Thank you, Edward," I whispered. "We need to talk tonight. I just got here a few hours ago so I can't leave, but please stick around and we'll talk when I'm done for the night."
Edward didn't need any further encouragement. He plopped down at the nearest barstool. Alice sighed happily and walked over to me to give me a hug. I stiffened and shrugged off her embrace before taking a step back from her. She looked up at me with hurt in her blue eyes. Anger bubbled up inside of me.
"You manipulated me, Alice. You came here and befriended me, but for what reason? When you came here, I didn't know you from Adam, but you apparently knew plenty about me! Family issues my ass," I whispered harshly. An idea popped in my head. I whirled on Edward, my anger and hurt lashing out at him. "You put her up to this, didn't you?"
His eyes widened in shock. "No I didn't put her up to anything! She and I met up on Saturday because I needed some advice on how to fix things. She wanted to come here to meet you."
"But you knew," I accused, my eyes blazing.
He nodded sadly as he fidgeted with his fingers. Alice sat down next to him with a sigh, eyes staring at the floor.
"Bella, let me explain," Alice said quietly.
"Arugh!" I yelled suddenly, all of the stress that had built up erupting inside of me.
About half the bar turned and looked at me quizzically, surprised at my outburst. I just realized that the last fifteen minutes had passed in relative obscurity. Only the people that were seated around us at the bar really saw what had been going on. I got several sympathetic but curious glances from the patrons around me. A few more were looking at Edward speculatively. I blushed, embarrassed and even angrier than I was before that my personal life now had become center stage for everyone to see. I spun on my heel and stomped into my office, slamming the door soundly.
When I was in the safe confines of my office, I glanced down at the flowers I still had in my mind. I contemplated throwing them out, but I couldn't. He brought me my favorite flower in every color that they came in. I still loved Edward, even if I was royally pissed at him. I didn't have anything in my office to put them in, but they would be alright for a little bit longer out of water. I wasn't ready to go back out there yet and deal with anyone or anything.
So, because I wanted some piece and quiet, I heard tapping on my door. I ignored it. Not even a minute later I heard the tapping again. Knowing that I wasn't going to get any sort of respite in the near future, I walked over to the door and opened it. Angela stood there, looking sheepish. I could see Alice and Edward both a few feet behind her, looking over her shoulder anxiously. Edward dragged a hand nervously through his hair. Music from the bar trickled in. Someone was laughing.
"Angela," I said quietly. She walked in slowly, her eyes large as she watched me. I closed the door before Alice and Edward could try to walk in.
"Bella, please don't be mad at them," she said softly, pleading with me.
"You know why I'm mad at Edward," I reminded her. I sat on my desk while she stood in the middle of my office. She tugged on a strand of her long black hair.
"I know, he didn't tell you about Tanya but he's trying to fix it. And Alice-"
I cut her off. "Alice lied to me. I had no idea who she was when she came here yesterday, but she knew all about me. This was all a rouse, for what purpose I haven't figured out yet."
"Yes, she may have not been completely up front with you, but if she had, would you have listened?"
Angela had me there. "Probably not," I admitted.
"So let her try to explain herself first before you pass judgment. She told me what she was trying to do yesterday, that's why I was so encouraging of her to take you shopping."
"You were in on this farce of a friendship too?" I asked incredulously. The world was against me. Everyone seemed to be in on some plan to mess with my head.
"It's not a farce. Alice genuinely likes you. She originally came here to test the waters for Edward, to see if you would be receptive to him coming back. The rest of it was not planned," Angela continued.
I shook my head. This was all too surreal. "Please leave me alone, Angela. Can you do something with these?" I handed her my flowers without looking her. I sat down in my chair with a sigh and rested my head in my hands.
Angela quietly took my flowers and left the room, closing the door behind her. I heard murmurs behind the door but I could not make out what was being said. Right then, I wished I hadn't thrown out the bottle of alcohol I had stashed in here before.
I'm not sure how much time had passed, but it could not have been very long. Music was still playing in the bar when I heard the door to my office open. Footsteps slowly made their way in as the door shut. They continued their path until they stopped a few feet behind my chair. I refused to turn around and acknowledge who had entered, knowing full well who the person was..
Two strong hands gently but firmly whirled my chair around, making me face the person who entered my office. I kept my gaze set to the floor. His feet were clad in black sneakers, a little worn but in good condition. My eyes refused to stay at his feet and traveled upwards, appreciating how the denim wrapped around his legs, accentuating the lean muscles of his legs that I had not seen in two months. My gaze continued upward to his hips and torso, just skimming the part of him I hadn't seen yet but dreamed about often enough. I couldn't stop the blush even in my ire. His hands dangled, barely grazing his jeans at his hips. A part of my mind remarked how long and elegant his fingers were. It something I had failed to notice before. There was a scar across the knuckle of his thumb that looked new. The sleeves of his black shirt were rolled up and pushed to his elbows. My eyes traced the silver lines of his button-down shirt as they pointed up towards his chest. I admired his shoulders, how his shirt was snug in the right places. There were a few chest hairs sticking out above the open collar. I shyly willed my eyes to continue.
I found his eyes, which I loved and hated most about him and how they could see through me, through all my pretenses, straight into my soul. I looked away briefly. I wasn't ready to fully give myself into them yet. Despite that, I could still see hope shining from his eyes. We both knew this couldn't be brushed aside just with some flowers and an apology. There were deeper issues at hand that needed to be resolved, namely honesty and trust in each other and ourselves. I broke myself from his gaze and drifted slightly downward, past his straight nose to his warm, inviting lips. He reached up and ran his fingers through his hair. My eyes were drawn to his lips as they parted when he licked his lips.
He stood there for several minutes while I looked at him lost in my thoughts. He made no move to approach me further, putting the ball into my court to decide what the next step was. I was still mad at him, but I was mad at myself too. I never gave him the chance to explain himself or say anything on his behalf before I passed judgment. Granted the evidence was pretty straight forward in his alleged guilt, but he still had the right to air his side. If he had been the one to tell me about Tanya and not leave me to find out about it accidentally online, none of this would have happened. It just seemed like he was hiding something by not telling me. I wanted to know why he didn't tell me and why he had been pulling away from me. I still loved him like none other, and I hoped that our love would help us get through this.
I felt his gaze on me again, searching for something, anything that would reveal my thoughts.
I stood slowly, taking a step forward towards him. The magnetism that was Edward Cullen was too much for me to resist any longer. He remained where he was; although I saw his fingers twitch as I approached him. I reached out with my short, inelegant fingers and touched his cheek, relishing the heat of his skin on my fingertips. His eyes closed and sighed softly. My fingers traveled into his hair tugging gently on the ends before resting my hand on the back of his neck. I was now only inches from him. I could feel his breath on my face. Each time he breathed I got goose bumps everywhere. Still he made no move towards me, letting me make the first move.
"Edward," I whispered. My hand pulled his head down to mine as I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. It was like our first kiss all over again. When I had touched him with my hand a moment before, I felt the fire reignite between us. When I kissed him, it became an inferno. The gentlest of kisses became incredibly heated. Edward wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me off the floor. My arms locked around his neck and lost myself in his kisses. He tasted just as I remembered. The feel of his tongue on mine sent shivers down my spine. Every inch of me was hyperaware of him. I had to fight the urge to wrap myself around him and never let go. Edward trailed kisses across my jaw to my ear, kissing my lobe and running his tongue along the ridge. If I had been standing, my knees would have given out on me.
We both pulled away at the same time, not wanting to get carried away while there was so much to talk about. Edward set me back down and I was glad my knees solidified. I had to hide the smirk I felt creeping up when I saw how truly happy part of his body was to see me. It was great to see that his body still reacted to mine after two months of separation.
"Bella," he began hoarsely, "I am so sorry I put you through all of this. I should've told-" I stopped him with a finger over his lips.
"I'm sorry too, but we have time for that later. I'm just so glad to see you again. I've missed you so much," I said softly. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. It helped calm me. Edward rested his cheek on the top of my hair as he tightened his grip around my waist, rubbing my sides with his thumbs.
"I've missed you too, Bella. These past two months have been horrible without you. I hoped every week that we'd get enough time where I could fly out here, but it never happened."
"Thank you for the flowers." I didn't want to admit how crushed I felt when the flowers hadn't arrived earlier. They were only flowers, but I had come to look forward to them every week knowing that it was because he thought of me.
"You're welcome, Bella," Edward replied softly, stroking my hair.
"So those pictures were really just from the set?" I asked timidly. I know what I saw on the television, but I had to hear it from Edward.
He nodded. "I can show you the full set of pictures when we get home."
Home. He called my house home. "Any Tanya?" I whispered.
"Completely delusional."
We stood there in each other's arms for several minutes. I think we both needed to be reassured that this wasn't a dream that we were really together again. I idly wondered what would happen now that the world knew what my name was. Strangely, I wasn't worried, at least not yet. No one knew exactly who "Bella" was except that she was the love of Edward's life, and was not imaginary, much to the displeasure for his psycho ex-girlfriend.
"You know, Alice really does like you. She didn't mean to deceive you," he continued as if no time had passed from when he last spoke.
"Angela told me she wanted to see if I still cared for you, after all that had happened," I murmured.
"That is somewhat accurate. She came out here to meet you. Alice had been wanting to meet the woman that had so totally captivated me, who had turned my life around and gave me purpose. This gave her a reason to come out here." Edward stroked my face with his index finger, curling it under my chin. "Alice also gave me the idea for the interview and she wanted to make sure you actually saw it. She called me last night after you dropped her off and squealed for about five minutes straight."
I laughed. I could picture Alice doing just that. "How long did it take before you could hear again?" I teased.
Edward chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Awhile, but I'm used to it. I did grow up with Alice. If this acting thing doesn't pan out, maybe I'll invest in hearing aid companies."
He leaned down and kissed me gently, the faint trace of a smile against my lips.
"I love you, Edward," I whispered against his lips.
His green eyes which were sparkling before darkened into liquid molten pools. "Bella, I am so glad to hear you say that," Edward said, his voice husky, almost breaking. "I wasn't sure if I'd ever hear you say those words to me again after what I did to you." He cradled my face between his hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. "I love you, Bella Swan."
His eyes burned into mine, the absinthe orbs seeming to take life of their own. That is all I saw as he leaned down to capture my lips in another kiss. One hand reached to the back of my neck and held me to his face. His long fingers tangled into my hair, making my scalp tingle. His lips captured a moan that erupted from deep inside my chest. He responded swiftly, clutching me even tighter, practically bending me over backwards. Our bodies couldn't possibly be any closer short of being naked. There lies interesting possibilities. Thinking of Edward naked and wrapped around me was enough to turn me into a puddle of goo. I trembled in his embrace.
Eventually, we had to come up for air, such a human failing, but he did not relinquish his hold on me. Nor did I want him let me go. I kept my fingers twined in his hair. This was what my version of heaven was, being in his arms. It didn't matter where or when or what was going on around us.
Reality encroached on our little bubble. I needed to talk to Alice and Angela. I know Alice was hurt by my snub. I was still irritated but after what Edward told me, I could sort of understand. Sort of. However, I wasn't willing to completely forgive easily. I slowly released my hold on Edward with a sigh. He looked down at me sympathetically.
"Time to return to Earth," he commented quietly. He didn't want to break our moment either but it was necessary.
I ran my fingers through my hair, calming the strands that had gotten mussed. My body was still quite aware of Edward's presence but it was slowly cooling off. There was time for that later.
"Can you send Angela in?"
"Sure, sweetheart. I'll be right outside when you want me." Edward leaned over and kissed the top of my head before going to find Angela.
I sat back in my desk chair and twiddled with a pen while I waited for Angela to come in. I did not have to wait long. There was a soft knock before Angela slipped in, quiet as a mouse. I turned my chair so I could face her.
"Hey Ang," I said softly.
She looked down at her feet shyly. I had never been short with her before. Angela had her hands shoved in her pockets of her pants.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I should not have been so short with you. You did nothing to deserve it. Today has been far too overwhelming for me and I took it out on people I should not have."
Angela walked over to my chair and knelt so our faces were level. Her smile was warm and forgiving. "Don't worry about it, Bella. You've been under tremendous stress over the past several days. I'm sure finding out that I knew about Alice's plan didn't help things. If I told you what was going on, you would've have listened. I'm sorry."
I smiled ruefully, "It made me feel like the world was against me, but I understand now for the most part. I still don't like it, but I understand." I looked at her quizzically. "What did Alice tell you? When did she even get a chance to talk to you?"
"She caught me when you were in the back getting more beer. Alice told me she was Edward's sister and why she was here to make sure you saw the interview and stuff. Plus she said she really wanted to meet you. She was impressed with how Edward had changed since the day he met you. Alice begged me not to say anything. I was amazed that she was able to get all she wanted to say in one breath. Alice is a very excitable woman," Angela commented.
I couldn't help but laugh. "That she is Angela."
We stood up at the same time and hugged briefly. All was back to normal with Angela. She was the type of person who you could not stay mad at for very long. She was just too sweet of a person.
"Okay, send in the next victim," I declared, deepening my voice as I spoke, trying not to laugh.
Dealing with Alice wouldn't be so carefree. I understood why she was here now, but it didn't change the fact that I felt manipulated and the insecure part of me wondered what part of our friendship was actually real.
When Alice walked in, she wasn't as quiet as Angela, not by half. The tiny woman flew into my office, her eyes huge with tears about to drop. My office door wasn't even completely shut before she started speaking. "Bella, I know it looks bad but I really genuinely like you and I think we could easily be best friends. I saw how much he loves you when he and I talked on Saturday. You've made Edward so happy and that makes me happy. You've made such a difference in his life. You are like his guardian angel. I really thought it was so awesome that you went shopping with me and let me give you a make-over. Although, to be perfectly honest, you really don't need a make-over, you are naturally beautiful. I just really want us to be friends and hope you can forgive me for misleading to you about some of this."
Amazing. She got that all out in one breath. I laughed. Alice looked at me surprised, then a little hurt at my laughter. Before she could take my laughter the wrong way, I spoke: "No, Alice, its fine. I wasn't laughing at what you said, more of how you said it. I'm amazed that such a tiny little body can speak for as long as you do in one breath without stopping."
Alice's hurt look changed to a relieved smile. "It takes lots of practice. Growing up, it was hard sometimes to be heard over Emmett and Edward so I had to get it all out at once." She giggled.
"Edward seems pretty quiet, that surprises me," I mused.
"Not when he was a kid. Of course now all the commotion comes from Emmett. That bear cannot do anything quietly."
"Bear?" I asked with a chuckle.
"Yes, bear. He's HUGE!" Alice exclaimed. "He's the mutant of my family. No one in our family is that big. Edward used to tease him that his dad is really the mailman."
"Oh my God!" I was about to roll on the floor in laughter. "I'll have to look at pictures of the Mariner's roster online."
Alice looked at my slyly. "I'm sure you'll be seeing him in person soon enough. When is Edward bringing you out west to meet the family?"
That stopped me in my tracks. "I don't know. We never talked about me coming out there, even just to visit him. We really need sort some stuff out between ourselves before we go any further anyway."
Alice jumped up and down. "You have to come home for Christmas! He just has to bring you! Cullen Christmases cannot be missed! Please tell me you will come!"
This woman was going to give me condition with how excitable she was. "If Edward asks and wants me to come, then I will see what I can do," I answered diplomatically.
Alice barreled me over in a huge hug, still bouncing. "Oh, I can't wait for you to meet Jasper and go shopping in Seattle and to meet Mom and Dad and see where we grew up and-" I put a hand over Alice's mouth.
"Enough, Alice. You are making my head spin," I teased, a smile hinting at the corners of my lips.
Alice hugged me again before bouncing out of my office. I had not reason to hide out any longer so I slowly made my way back out to the floor. I got a few more curious looks as I walked in. Jessica was beside herself in the corner, being physically restrained by Jacob, in her excitement to run over to Edward and meet him. Thankfully most of the patrons didn't look hard enough at Edward to figure out who he was or just didn't care enough to try to find out. They stayed wrapped up in their own conversations and their own drinks.
I walked over to Jessica before she could really start causing a scene. If that happened then everyone would be wondering who this bronze-haired god was and what all the fuss was about. "Jessica, relax," I said. "You are going to pass out if you don't breathe." Jessica continued to struggle weakly against Jacob's iron grasp.
"Bella, I can't-" she panted. "It's re-really him! I knew it-" she stammered. "It's E-E-Edwa-" Jessica was in full fangirl mode.
"Breathe, Jessica," I repeated.
Jessica tried to calm herself down. She was almost hyperventilating. I looked her straight in the eye and willed her to calm down as I breathed evenly, hoping she would match my breathes. I held her gaze until she finally unwound herself.
"If you remain calm and rein in the fangirl, I'll introduce you to him," I offered softly.
Jessica's eyes widened and I could tell she wanted to squeal but she managed to control herself. "Really?" she choked out.
I nodded. "Yes, I'll introduce you to my boyfriend, Edward." Good Lord, it felt good to say that.
Jessica blushed, which didn't happen often, and nodded enthusiastically. She nudged her head towards Jacob, who still kept her secured.
"Jacob, I think she'll be okay now. Thank you." He looked at me unconvinced but did as I asked.
As soon as she was free, I grabbed Jessica's elbow and pulled her close so I could whisper in her ear. "If so much as a peep about where Edward is, who Edward's girlfriend really is and where she lives makes it into the news or the tabloids, you will be finding a new job," I warned. Jessica's eyes widened even farther as I continued. "Even if you aren't the source of the leak, you will take the fall for it. So watch what you say, where you say it, and who you say it to at all times. Anyone could be in the media or be paparazzi."
Jessica nodded slowly, subdued. I had never spoken to her like that before. It was never necessary until now. This would help ensure that she would not go running to the media or tell anyone else who could go to the media with her news that Edward Cullen's girlfriend was her boss. I only hoped our friendship and my threat would be stronger than any bribes the tabloids could offer her. I released her elbow and smiled at her warmly. "Ready?"
Some of the earlier excitement came back to her face. She nodded eagerly and followed behind me. We walked over to the bar where Angela and Alice were doing their best to guard Edward inconspicuously. Each woman had claimed a bar stool on either side of him. However, he still stood out. No matter how much he tried to meld into the crowd, he would always stand out. Edward was just that stunningly handsome.
"Edward," I said softly as we approached him. I touched his back, feeling that shock of electricity that always happened when we touched. He turned around on his bar stool and pulled me close between his legs. He rested his hands on my hips and gently rubbed circles into my skin with his thumbs. His brilliant green eyes locked with mine. I doubted he noticed that there was anyone else in the room.
"To what do I owe this pleasure?" he purred quietly. His eyes darkened as he leaned in to nuzzle my neck. Jessica stood nervously next to me, flustered and slightly embarrassed to witness our little moment.
I closed my eyes to clear my head from Edward's infectious gaze. "Edward," I said as I opened my eyes. "I'd like you to meet Jessica. You've seen her around here before, but I never officially introduced you."
Edward finally realized that there were other people around and turned to face Jessica. He smiled at her, giving her its full dazzling effect, "Pleased to finally meet you, Jessica." He extended his hand to her.
Jessica's eyes glazed over slightly as she flushed all the way to her hairline and probably beyond. She actually seemed at loss for words. "Uh hi… E-Ed—Edward." She finally gained control of herself and shook his offered hand.
Handshake over, Edward returned his hand to my hip but still looked at Jessica. "I believe I owe you an apology Jessica," he said softly.
"Apology?" Jessica whispered.
"Yes. I owe you an apology for the concert from this summer. Bella told me how excited you were to go and here I had the nerve to leave in the middle of the set," he said mildly.
Jessica stared down at her feet. "Oh, it's okay," she said.
Edward looked deep in thought for a moment. "Let me make it up to you. Perhaps Bella will let me do a concert here while I'm in Ohio." His eyes twinkled. Edward looked down at me, silently asking me if it was okay. I nodded with a smile on my face as I leaned into his chest.
"Oh my God," Jessica whispered loudly. "Really? You'd do that?" Her inner fangirl was starting to come out.
"Yes," Edward said. "I left my guitar at Bella's so I can play whenever."
I laughed in his neck. Jessica would be on cloud nine. I couldn't help but also be excited to see him play too.
Jessica looked like she was going to explode with excitement. I looked at her sternly. "Remember what I said Jessica." Her excitement dialed down a notch but only just barely. She nodded solemnly before her excitement got the best of her and she started bouncing from side to side. Jessica remained there, bouncing, as she stared at Edward
"I think your tables are missing you, Jess," I chided gently.
Jessica blushed again and quickly made her way back to her section of tables.
I chuckled into Edward's neck again, loving the natural smell of him. "You just made her day…no her year," I murmured. I barely restrained myself from licking his earlobe.
I felt Edward's body rumble in silent laughter. He trailed kisses from my neck to my jaw. I hummed with pleasure. Regretfully I had to return to work, so I pulled away. I dragged my fingers across him as I went so I could maintain contact as long as possible.
"Just for a few more hours Edward," I whispered. He looked at me with a pout. I longed to suck the lip he was sticking out. I did a mental shake to try to get my mine out of the gutter. Edward had that way about him that made me think of sex all the time. Well thank God I don't find him repulsive. I needed to keep my wits about me so we could talk tonight. If I allowed myself to be distracted too easily by him, we would never get through this completely and be able to move on.
At the end of the night, Edward, Alice, and I slowly walked out into the parking lot. My truck sat as sentential over the parking lot. The only other vehicle left was a silver Volvo. I assumed it was Edward's.
"How do you always manage to get Volvo's?" I asked. Alice laughed.
Edward shrugged. "Lucky I guess. The company I use always seems to have Volvos ready for me. Let me take Alice back to her hotel and I'll be back. Should be about an hour."
I nodded, relieved that I would get a little time to myself before Edward and I talked. I would be able to unwind a little from work and get my self in the right frame of mind. I walked over to Alice and gave my real new friend a hug.
"It was great to finally meet you, Bella. I hope we can hang out for a bit before I go back to Seatlle."
"I'd like that. When do you go back?" I knew she would have to go back, but it couldn't stop my disappointment that she was leaving so soon.
"Tomorrow night. I need to get a few things done at my office before I drive into Forks for Thanksgiving."
I nodded. I would hopefully have a little bit of time before I had to go into work tomorrow. I definitely had to go in. Business always goes up around the holidays. More people are at home which means stress. And people often deal with stress with alcohol.
"Okay, I'll call you in the morning and maybe we can get together for lunch," I offered.
"Sounds great, Bella. See you then." Alice hopped into the Volvo as Edward walked me to my old truck. His hand rested on the small of my back.
"I never had a chance to tell you earlier, but you look absolutely amazing," he murmured. I blushed.
"Thank your sister. She's missed her calling."
He laughed low in his throat as he gathered me in his arms. "I've missed you so much, Bella."
His nose ran from my neck to my ear, sending shivers down my body. His soft breath gave me goose bumps. I felt him smile against my jaw as he took pleasure from my body's response to his attention. Before we could forget where we were, he pulled away and kissed my forehead.
"I'll be back soon."
About ten minutes later I walked into my living room. The memories of the past several days no longer held the bite they had before. The pit of despair was gone, but I was still leery of our future. I was still nervous but I felt that we were in a good place to air out what we needed to so we could continue on. Life was never perfect and it never went quite the way you expected it to go. I could only hold my breath and hope for the best. If our relationship was going to thrive, there would be more challenges ahead. I would have to be able to survive in his world.
We sat at my kitchen table across from each other, the silence weighing down on us. I played with the stem of my wine glass nervously while Edward stared intently at the wood grain of the table.
Only scant hours before we were ready to bear our souls to each other in the middle of my bar. Now, truly alone for the first time in two months, we couldn't say one word to each other. I couldn't believe how awkward this had become so quickly. While I was waiting for Edward to arrive after dropping Alice off, I never expected it to be like this. I had assumed that we would just sit down on the couch and let it all out, but things never turn out how you think they would.
"So…" I said, trailing off.
"So…" Edward echoed.
Neither one of us were willing to speak up first
I was starting to get mad. Here he was doing it again; pushing me away, pushing this conversation away, because of his inability to communicate. This was incredibly ironic, considering he was an actor and a musician. All he did was communicate for his career. So why couldn't he communicate with me now? Weren't actors and musicians supposed to be good at expressing feelings? Why couldn't he tell me in person what he had said on national television everyone?
I was about to tell him off when something pricked my mind from an old interpersonal communications class I taken back in college.
…. Communication is a two way street.
Our channels were being disrupted by our own fears and insecurities.
I hadn't done a damn thing. I expected Edward to do it all.
He had tried to communicate with me. He tried calling me back after I hung up on him. He tried texting me. He tried to tell his side of the story and I refused to listen. The evidence against him did make it seem pretty certain to me that he was guilty, but he deserved the chance to say his piece. With one last attempt, he declared himself on national television, hoping I would finally be listening. I had, finally, but tonight I was still expecting him to declare himself. Again.
…. Communication is a two way street.
Edward wasn't the only one who was able to speak. He certainly wasn't the only one pushing. I realized at that moment that I had been pushing him away too. I was so determined that he was at fault that I refused to look any other possibilities. I was refusing to trust someone that I had professed to love. I acted like it was all on him, that I did nothing wrong.
What a bunch of crap. I need to be the one to speak up now.
Still, I was mad. He had apologized, but I was still mad. I wish I knew why he hadn't told me about Tanya. He had plenty of opportunities to do so. It was pretty upsetting to find out about a prior relationship online. If he was willing to hide this, what else could he be hiding? I had to be able to trust him or our relationship wasn't going to last. I wondered if his reasons for distancing himself from me were also tied into his alleged involvement with Tanya. I hope he wasn't hiding anything else. I hoped he really wouldn't lie to me.
My thoughts turned inward a little bit. If I couldn't trust him, there was no way we could have a relationship. A relationship without trust was not a relationship at all. Was my inability to trust him a sign of something to come? I shuddered. I sincerely hoped not.
It was my turn to speak now. We would never be able to work on our trust issues if I kept pushing him away.
…. Communication is a two way street.
I took a deep breath and jumped right in.
"Edward, it was an incredibly brave thing you did today. You put yourself on national television just to tell me what really happened and how you felt. If I had just listened to you on Friday when you were trying to explain yourself, you wouldn't have had to go through all of that. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions without giving you a chance to explain. I'm sorry for pushing you away.
"That being said, I was so angry and hurt when I saw Tanya's interview and then the pictures. I certainly didn't expect you to not have a past, but I expected that you would have told me about anyone important. I mean, I told you about Jacob, after all. Seeing the pictures and the interview was all just too much. Did you really think I would never see them? I never actively looked for pictures of you but how could you think that I would never ever see them?
"On top of that, our conversations had been getting shorter and I could tell that you were pushing me away but I couldn't figure out why. Tanya was a good explanation. She fit the puzzle. It didn't help that Tanya is incredibly beautiful and sexy and is everything I'm not. Was I not good enough to be told? Do you think so little of me that I wouldn't be able to handle finding out about an ex-girlfriend?
"When we spoke last on Friday, I gave you the opportunity to come clean. I flat out asked you about Tanya, and you said nothing. Nothing about meeting her for coffee or your past with her. If she were nothing, truly nothing, then you would not have needed to lie about it. You could have told me the truth about your past with her and the coffee thing, then it truly would have been nothing. But you didn't. You lied to me."
Edward finally spoke up.
"While I whole-heartedly agree that I should've told you about my history with Tanya months ago, if I remember our conversation on Friday correctly, you didn't give me much of a chance to say anything, Bella. You kept interrupting me any time I tried to speak."
I blushed with shame as I recalled that morning a little more clearly now than I had before. I had to admit that I did not let him say much at all that morning. I asked lots of questions and kept interrupting him before he could answer. Regardless of my conduct that morning, he still lied.
I took a deep breath before I continued.
"I'm sorry that I didn't give you a chance to speak. I was so angry and so hurt, but to be honest, I think I expected something like that to happen."
Edward's face snapped up as he stared at me incredulously with anger flashing in his eyes. "You expected me to cheat on you?" he spat.
"It never made sense for you to love me. When women who look like Tanya surround you, what appeal could someone like me have?"
He ran his fingers through his hair in agitation. Edward polished off the rest of his wine in one gulp before he looked at me. His beautiful green eyes were pained. Edward's long fingers reached across the table to encase mine.
"God, I can't believe how I screwed this up. From the start, my only goal was to protect you. I never met to mislead you. I was afraid to tell you about Tanya because I didn't want you to compare yourself to her. Me not telling you about her had nothing to do with you not being good enough or of me thinking lowly of you. Bella, I love you and in my mind, I was trying to protect you. I know how you see yourself, however inaccurate that is, and I knew you would immediately start comparing yourself to her. Yes, she is attractive, but that is all she has. There is nothing good about her. You are good and so beautiful, much more beautiful than she ever could be, and intelligent, sexy, honest, and hardworking. Tanya is an evil, manipulative woman who sold her soul to Hollywood years ago."
It was disturbing to hear his assumptions on my reaction to Tanya. I wanted Edward to finally have his say, but I had to speak up. "Edward, how could you assume to know how I would react? You aren't a monk, I expect you to have a past, and that past includes women in Hollywood, Yes, they intimidate me, and it is hard not to compare myself to them, but if you had told me about Tanya, I would've dealt with it. I possibly could've gotten upset, but it wouldn't have been like this. By not telling me about her, you made all of my insecurities worse."
Edward hung his head. He sighed softly as he gathered his thoughts. He gently squeezed my hands as he began speaking softly.
"Hollywood is full of women like Tanya, and worse. Most of them are all plastic and fake. Some are genuine but they are hard to find. Regardless of how beautiful any of those women are none can hold a candle to you." He finally raised his head and looked at me. "Bella, you have this pull on me that I can't fight. It is a pull that no one, no woman or man, can break. No one has ever made me feel like this before. None of those Hollywood women ever touched me the way that you have. You have my heart. You have me. That is something that Tanya never had and never will."
My eyes brimmed with tears. I smiled softly and pressed our hands together.
"And you are completely right that I should have told you about Tanya. I should've told you months ago about her. If I had been honest with you from the get go, none of this would have been necessary. The pain that we both have gone through in the past seventy-two plus hours would not have happened. I was incredibly naïve about the coffee shop pictures. I knew that the paparazzi had taken pictures of us but I had hoped you wouldn't ever see them. That hope was very stupid. I don't know what I was thinking, besides the fact that I wasn't really thinking. Maybe I was afraid of your reaction, that you would freak out hearing about the pictures. Maybe I felt guilty for even putting myself in that position. Regardless, I was an insensitive ass, and I can only beg for your forgiveness now."
Edward leaned back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked at me sadly, his expression full of regret.
"When Tanya and I began dating, she wasn't as bad as she is now, but she was on her way there. She craved the attention of the media that I shied away from. I had only been in Hollywood for a few years, so I was ecstatic that this beautiful woman wanted to be with me. I hadn't dated much before I left Washington so it was a pretty awesome feeling to have someone around, even someone as shallow as Tanya. When I wanted to stay home and work on my music, she wanted to go out to the clubs. My music never seemed to interest her much, and that was a hard pill to swallow. I wasn't just Edward the actor. I was Edward the musician too. Music was my first love and it always will be.
"It hurt me more than I was willing to admit that she didn't care. She was only really interested in the exposure I could give her, not my interests or desires or dreams. I tried to ignore the pain of her indifference and the kind of person she really was. I was young, so young, and was thrilled that such an attractive woman would want to be with me. It helped boost my fledgling image in Hollywood. I hated the attention from the paparazzi, but I loved how it was helped provide more expose for my music and better scripts. It helped her career too. She got more attention being attached to one of the up-and-coming stars in Hollywood. So I guess we used each other.
"After awhile, I could no longer stand the parties and the schmoozing and everyone using each other. It had finally gotten to the point that I could no longer ignore it. Tanya's behavior continued to worsen, and I was doing everything I could to be civil with her. We were all smiles when we were out in public, but we barely spoke to each other away from the cameras.
"I finally had enough, and tried to sit with her privately to break things off. She refused to listen. She laughed it off; acting like our conversation never happened and said that my career needed her too much for me to leave. I wanted to pull my hair out. A part of me thought she might have been right. Eclipse hadn't been released yet and I was still relatively unknown. Being seen with her helped my exposure which would lead to more scripts in my mailbox.
"But I decided that I couldn't let that stop me from ending our farce of a relationship. She may have helped me, but I had helped her too. So I needed to make a name for myself on my own. Breaking up with her would be the start of my new independence. Since she wouldn't listen to me privately, I decided I would have to very publicly break up with her. I didn't want to do it that way, but it seemed like the only way to end the relationship."
I gasped. I could only imagine how humiliating that would be, at least for me.
"I picked a restaurant that the paparazzi hung out at the most. Tanya was in her element, smiling for the cameras and flirting with me. It only fueled my desire to get this farce over with once and for all. So I dropped the bomb on her. Even there in the restaurant I tried to do it quietly. It did not go well. She made a scene."
Edward shuddered with the memory. He pinched the bridge of his nose while he gathered his thoughts again.
"She never thought I'd actually break up with her. She swore that she would get back at me for humiliating her, that my career would go nowhere with out her, and that I would eventually want her back. Tanya stormed out of the restaurant with the paparazzo's cameras clicking and flashing the entire way."
Edward poured more wine for us, and swirled his in his glass. He ran his fingers roughly through his hair and exhaled softly. Tension was evident in every line of his body. A part of me wanted to comfort him, to try to release the tension and forget all the craziness that had been going on, but that just wasn't possible. If I wanted a relationship with Edward again, if I ever wanted a future with him, we needed to get through this.
But does he want a future with me? He loves me but where does he see this going? Where do I see this going?
Edward spoke again, breaking me from my thoughts.
"I've only seen her a few times before we started shooting Everything But. We ended up being at some of the same parties or functions. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but Tanya always made it a point to approach me. I would be as dismissive as I could be, without losing my manners completely. Thankfully, I usually had my friend Seth with me to help deflect her unwanted attention."
"If you didn't like being around her, why did you agree to do Everything But?" I asked.
"I was deep in my alcoholic stupor when the script was sent to me. I barely remember agreeing to do the movie much less who was in it. I'm sure Marcus told me who was co-starring, but I honestly don't remember. He reminded me when he came to Ohio to deliver the script right before I went back. I already dreaded going back to Hollywood, but the knowledge that I would have to work with her made it even worse. I kept imagining all kinds of different tricks she would try to get me alone. She tried to catch me as I expected, but I was able to get rid of her with Seth's help. After that, it seemed like she was finally behaving herself. When she asked me to meet for coffee to go over a part of the script, I thought I would be nice since she was being so well-behaved. I had hoped that she had put all the drama behind her. Obviously my hopes were in vain. After I turned her down at the coffee shop, I hoped again that she would finally stop this madness. I mean, many times can you turn a person down before they get the hint?
"When you called me on Friday, I had no idea about the interview. I never thought that she'd try something that dramatic. She really has a screw loose. I can only imagine what the studio execs, the director, and the producer of the movie think about all of this. This would not be the kind of publicity that they would want, but I could be wrong. Hollywood is weird like that.
"So, that's everything with Tanya?" I asked.
"That I know of. If she has done anything else, I am not aware of it. Marcus is keeping an ear out for any new developments."
I nodded and sipped my wine. Edward had truly bared himself to me. I had no doubt that he was telling me the truth now. But what would keep him from doing this again? Did he have any other secrets he didn't want to tell me?
"Thank you for telling me all of this Edward. I appreciate you being so honest with me." I looked into his eyes, clearly seeing his love and affection for me.
Edward turned my hand over in his, rubbing my palm and the back of my hand at the same time. His eyes grew sad as his thumbs stroked my skin.
"Bella, this has been a very eye-opening experience for me. I will not hold anything back from you again. You deserve to know the truth from me before finding out from someone else or online. I should not have assumed how you would have reacted. I am very sorry. I won't doubt you again." He took a deep breath before continuing. "But Bella, I have to ask… how could you doubt me so much? Did you really have such little faith in me? How can we have a relationship if you don't trust me?" he asked quietly.
My heart thudded in my chest.
How can we have a relationship without trust?
This was the same question I had been asking myself, why didn't I trust him? He never gave me a reason to not trust him until Friday. He never actually betrayed me. I only thought he did. True, he misled me and made some very poor assumptions, but he never actually cheated on me. So why did I expect the worst at the first sign of trouble?
"I don't know Edward," I whispered. "You never gave me a reason to doubt you. I feel so ashamed." Tears rolled down my face, and Edward reached over to wipe them away.
"Don't be ashamed, love. If I had been you, I probably would have reacted the same way. Despite all the trust in the world, the evidence was hard to deny."
A hint of a smile crept on my face.
"We have our work cut out for us, sweetheart. We aren't the first to have a long distance relationship, but me being in the media spotlight makes our situation a bit more unique. We have to be able to trust each other. This will not be the first time that some story comes out about some alleged relationship I have with a co-star, or some other actress. Stuff like this comes up all the time to anyone in Hollywood. I could be in the same room with a woman and never actually speak with her and a gossip rag will come out and say I'm in a relationship with her. You have to believe me that I would never betray you." His eyes bore into mine, pleading with me to believe him.
I thought for a moment, pulling my hand from Edward's grasp and resting them on the tabletop. Edward was constantly surrendered by beautiful women, but he wanted me. He thought I was the most attractive woman he had ever seen. He said we had a bond that no one could break. I felt that bond too, but I let my insecurities rule my heart. I could no longer doubt that bond. I knew deep down that what we had was real and true. I needed to trust in that and in Edward.
Taking a deep breath, I finally allowed myself to become unfettered from my insecurities. They may still be there inside of me, but they would no longer rule my life. "I do," I murmured, reaching out to clasp his hands in mind. I truly did now. I would never again doubt Edward's feelings for me.
I gazed into his eyes and wondered how I got so lucky. Edward was an incredible man in so many ways. How could I have ever possibly doubted him? He professed his love for me on national television. He was smart, handsome, and very talented. He wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him. Edward was also incredibly patient. He had slept beside me for nearly a month and never pushed me too far. If he was really just out for a fling, he would have pushed me to go farther.
There were many times where things had gotten heated, but we were always able to stop. His touch set my body on fire so many times. Cold showers and thinking of Margaret Thatcher naked were sometimes needed to calm the storm. The knowledge that he eventually had to leave was never far from out minds. As much as I felt hurt that he rejected me on my birthday, I knew now that I wouldn't have been able to take sharing myself completely with him, just for him to go. Edward had confessed to me once that if he made love to me then that he would never be able to leave. While that was a tempting thought, I could never ask Edward to give up his career and I didn't want to hold him back.
"I trust you, Edward." I took a deep breath before continuing. "I trust in us, in this." I gestured between the two of us with our joined hands. "And I want this for as long as you will have me." I stared intently at my wine glass. I was afraid to look him in the eye.
He didn't say a word. Edward stood up and walked around the table, pulling me up to him.
"Bella, I love you so much. I don't ever want to let you go," he murmured in my ear. His warm breath sent chills down my spine.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face into his chest. I felt his fingers lift my chin up as his lips captured mine. My hands lost themselves in his hair, relishing in the silkiness of his bronze locks. Before I knew it, we were wrapped around each other tightly, kissing passionately, our bodies as close as they could be while clothed.
Edward pulled away from me slightly, making me whimper at the loss of his touch. He kept his arms wrapped around my waist as he looked down at me with a quirky smile.
"Bella, what are you doing for Christmas?"
I looked at him blankly for a moment. My brain was still fuzzy from Edward's attentions with his hands and lips.
When I didn't answer right away, Edward cocked his head to one side with a smirk.
"Earth to Bella!" he crooned softly.
I shook my head, finally realizing that he was speaking to me.
"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, embarrassed at being so distracted.
Edward chuckled. "Problems, love?"
I felt my cheeks burn as I blushed.
"No, just dazzled."
He stroked the flush of my cheeks as his eyes danced.
"I asked you what your plans were for Christmas," Edward said softly.
"Oh, um, I'll probably just spend it with Charlie and some of my friends."
"Do you think Charlie and your friends would mind if you…um… spent Christmas and maybe New Years with me? That's if you would want to come to out to LA…and to Forks…and meet my family…" Edward trailed off, uncertainty now evident on his handsome face and velvet voice. It was strange to hear him so nervous.
My face broke out into a huge grin.
"I would love to spend Christmas and New Years with you. Charlie won't mind." I hope.
I was ecstatic. I had wondered if Edward would ever invite me out to LA and now I had my answer. Not only would he show me his world but I would meet his family too. My smile turned mischievous. "But that means you'll have to spend Thanksgiving with us since I am giving up Christmas with Charlie."
Edward blinded me with the most brilliant smile I have ever seen. "I think I can work with that."
My heart leapt out of my chest with happiness. Not only we forgiven each other for our assumptions and doubts, but he wanted to introduce me to his family and he wanted to mine. Well, he already did meet Charlie, but this would be under better and more honest circumstances.
Edward eagerly captured my lips with his and knotted his fingers in my long hair.
"Edward," I moaned into his mouth. I wanted to let myself go so badly. He clutched me tighter. His lips traveled down my neck and I felt my body respond to him. His hands traveled to the waistband of my pants and started pulling my t-shirt out. I trembled as I felt the cotton slide against my skin. My fevered mind wanted his hands where my shirt had been.
"Oh, God, Bella. I missed you so much," he said huskily. Hearing the low, lust-filled quality to his voice made me quiver. I wanted him more than I did the night of my birthday.
"I missed you too, Edward, so much. I love you." I leaned up on my tiptoes and took his earlobe between my lips. I sucked on it gently before taking I gently nipped on it. Edward groaned and I felt his body harden in response.
"Woman, you are going to be the death of me."
"What a good way to die," I teased.
Edward laughed low in his throat as his hands crept under the hem of my t-shirt. I sucked in my breath, feeling every touch, every caress. He stroked the skin of my back and my sides, running his fingertips over the straps of the back of my bra. Slowly, as we explored each others' bodies, we began walking towards my bedroom. My pulse raced and I felt every nerve of my body stand on end.
I had to have him. Now. Tonight. I couldn't wait any longer. He was mine and I was his. Nothing would change that now. When he went back to LA, I would have this moment to treasure and not regret, and when we saw each other again in LA, we would have other moments to add to this one. We were stronger now. I still had my insecurities, but not about this. Not about us.
A/N Thank you for reading! Please review! I post teasers in review replies (if you don't want a teaser, just let me know. I also post a second teaser in the thread on Twilighted. Come join us in the thread for BFTO:www (dot) twilighted (dot) net/forum/viewtopic (dot) php?f=44&t=9524
FYI - Lemony times are approaching...since the main story is T rated, any lemony chapters will be heavily edited. However, I will be posting any lemony chapters in their full citrisy glory under the "BFTO Series of Oneshots" which is M rated. So if you enjoy lemons, fav the oneshots so you won't miss anything. :)