Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me and I make no money with it.

Warnings: Angst

Summary: There's something peculiarly peaceful about drowning.

Date: No time in particular; before the start of the series (Timeline: http :/ shiruy. livejournal. com/ 3602. html)

Edited: 30.11.10

10. Breathe Again

There's something peculiarly peaceful about drowning. Not the process of running out of air, no – these few minutes alone down in the shipwreck were amongst the most terrifying of Alex' life. But actually drowning, feeling everything go dark and lightly floating in the water... it wasn't the worst way to go, really.

He still vividly remembered how he felt after he had been buried beneath the Cribber, a giant wave he had tried to surf on the Cornish coast. Peaceful, weightless, a little resigned. And so relieved. Not exactly happy, but accepting of the fact that the sea was going to be his grave.

If Sabina hadn't fished him out and resuscitated him he would have died that day. Or rather, he would have stayed dead.

Sometimes, when the nights got long and he couldn't sleep yet again, he wondered if that made him suicidal. After all, if it weren't for Sabina, he would have accepted his death that day. If it hadn't been for other people, he would have accepted his death several times already. It was strange... He liked living and every time he found himself in yet another dangerous situation he did everything he could to dodge death just one more time.

And still he couldn't deny that every now and then he missed that feeling of peace and finally being allowed to give up that being on death's doorstep gave him.

God, by now he probably was every psychologist's wet dream with all the issues and traumas he had accumulated over the last year alone. Then again, his life had become so ridiculously unbelievable since last March that they would most likely just put him in one of those nice comfy white jackets and try to treat him for hallucinations. He never even told Jack, Tom or Sabina the full extent of what went on during his missions, for fear that they wouldn't believe him. Maybe it was selfish, but he didn't want to put his trust in anyone only to get disappointed again.

[Ash's betrayal still was a fresh wound that hadn't even started to scab over yet.]

It would be nice to have someone who knew everything about him and believed him, of course, but he knew that none of the people he knew could be that person.

He trusted Jack, she would never betray him, but every time he told her even a little bit she would either start questioning him, doubting what he told her, or she would get angry at MI6 and start yet another rant against the organization. Not that he couldn't understand her feelings, but her helpless anger didn't help him either, and so he just kept what he told her to the bare facts.

Tom... Tom was a child. He knew it was unfair to think that, because a few months ago he hadn't been all that different from his best friend. But while Tom had said that he wouldn't really want to be a spy and be put into the situations Alex had been, at the same time it was obvious that he thought what Alex did was amazing and cool. A game. An adventure. Alex wasn't sure whether he didn't want to disillusion his friend or whether he was afraid Tom wouldn't take him seriously. Either way, he couldn't tell him.

The reason why he didn't tell Sabina was simple. He had done so before, twice, and both times she hadn't believed him. It had taken her getting kidnapped before she finally took him seriously, and that had come at the cost of losing her as a friend. That she had turned up again over Christmas had been a wonderful surprise, but the days he spent with her only brought home the fact that she was not a part of his world. She was a great friend and he loved spending time with her, all the stuff they did making him feel perfectly normal.

And that was the crux of the matter, wasn't it? She was normal. She belonged in a normal world. And Alex didn't. Not anymore, if he had ever. It made bridging the gap between them seem impossible at times, and... he wasn't willing to try anymore.

It made him wonder if he would ever be again.